I am sad to be away from family for Christmas this year.

But after saying goodbye to my family tonight before they drive up north tomorrow, I was listening to Christmas music in my car on the drive home. And I was thinking about how Christmas has sort of been stripped down to the bare essentials this year. If even that. But how I have enjoyed the simplicity of that for once. No non-stop Christmas parties, no eating too much food that you're hardly enjoying it... Just overall, drama free.

I'll be working until early Christmas morning, and I'll sleep a little after. Allison will be coming up since she is also stuck in Florida thanks to work. I don't know yet what exactly is planned. Listen to Christmas music, maybe go eat a Christmas dinner somewhere that it's served, see the Hobbit. Simple. We won't be alone, which is what matters.

I love my family, but I am looking forward to a simple Christmas this year. Something I've never really had before.

I got to have Christmas with my family this week before they leave for Illinois without Allison and me. It was fun.

Allison bought me... a Diana camera! I have eyed them for awhile but never knew where to buy one. Anyway, perhaps this makes me a hipster now? Or prepster as I like to call myself, since my style is a mix of those two.

My computer has bit the dust now. I got the blogger app in my phone, but it isn't much good since it still takes twice as long to type anything. Anyway, it'll be a while before I can buy a new computer. Rats. Oh well, there are worse things!

My new, most favorite Christmas tradition ever!  Michael Buble's Home for the Holidays!  I have been a fan of Michael's for a good eight years now, long before he was such a sensation.  This was his second Christmas special, and tonight he referred to it as annual.  So... a new tradition has been born, I hope.

In the fast-paced world, it is nice to have something so simple to look forward to as a Christmas special where you can just sit back and watch your favorite performer sing your favorite Christmas songs.  I swear, at the end when he sang "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," he was singing directly to me.  Ok, so maybe that sounds a little cheesy but it really was a fun special to watch.

I don't have much to look forward to about Christmas this year, but the nostalgia of it all has been my friend.  I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the "good old days" (try, being the key word- sentimentality is something I fall prey to very easily) but at this time of year you kind of can't help it.

It seems like I can't hear a Christmas song without tying some memory to it.  I decided to write down some of them, if only for the therapeutic value for myself.

I've always loved Christmas.  Since I can remember as a young girl, it has been the one day of the year that I look forward to more than any other.  As I have gotten older, I've realized in large part that was because of Grandma and Grandpa.  They made Christmas what it was.  I took it as a given in those days, not realizing I would not always have that.  And, for a child, that's good.  But as an adult, I still miss it.

When we visited Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas, in the early days we would get there as early as December 17 and stay through Christmas day.  So our Christmas celebrations happened throughout the week, each one as good as the last.  We lived life with Grandma and Grandpa during those times, going to church with them (where we often would sit with Aunt Georgia and Uncle Dick- which, after reading Grandpa's diaries years later, he didn't always appreciate because then people thought we were their grandkids), grocery shopping with them (at Slop'n'Shave... I mean Shop'n'Save), helping in the kitchen, and taking walks to visit the cousins down the street. 

I hate to say it, but my heart really does ache for days like those.  I realize the reality that things will never be the same and that's simply the way it is.  I know I'm an adult in my 20s and should be well beyond yearning for the Christmases of my childhood.  But I'm not and I miss it, and it does help me to remember.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, because there's nothing to feel sorry for about it.  It is what it is, it's just part of growing up.

Four years ago, the last Christmas I spent with both of my grandparents, I wouldn't have imagined that at this time this would be how I spent Christmas.  Of course, I didn't know how long we would have Grandpa, because he was already in his 90s, but I never could have imagined Grandma would be gone as well.  It's just crazy how much things can change.

I hadn't anticipated how sad Christmastime would make me this year.

I really, really miss my grandparents at this time of year.  I just want to be able to drive up there on the 20th, sleep at their house, eat around the dining room table with all of the ones I love, candles in the middle of the table, with laughter and the warmth of togetherness.  I want to hear Grandma laughing, Aunt Georgia exclaiming how "loverly" everything is, Grandpa saying the dinner prayer that always went on for too long.

I want to sit at their kitchen window watching snow fall outside.  I want to drink green punch and eat party pizzas at the Christmas Eve party.  I want to go to Peck Hall and have the family parties we always did.

I love the memories, but they make my heart ache.  I don't know why.  Usually when I remember my grandparents I'm not sad anymore.  But maybe it's the time of year and knowing that I'll be by myself for Christmas this year that hurts the most.  Christmas has always, always been my favorite time of year.  But I don't know if that's the case anymore, at least not quite as much as it used to be.  Last night I watched Rudolph, and it really made me sad.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Grandpa dying.  A lot, a lot has changed since then.

So sorry for the sad post today.  Sometimes you just miss people and you can't help but be sad, and that's how I am today.

Mickey's Very Merry Christmas

The new Little Mermaid ride.  Nostalgia... gotta love it.

Allison waiting for our table at Be Our Guest Restaurant

You can't see it very well, but that is the Beast's castle behind me.  They call it "The Master's Castle"

Be Our Guest Restaurant.  Loved it.

We got to hang out with my cousin Peter and his wife, Heather.  It was a lot of fun!

Cinderella's Castle all decked out in Christmas lights.  Beautiful!

Yesterday I had a reunion with my best nursing school (really, one of my best ever!) friends Bela.  We became friends on the first day of orientation when we happened to be in line together at the cashier's office, along with another friend Tatyana.  We ended up sitting together the rest of that day at orientation, and became inseparable for the next two years.  I remember our first conversation being about our faith, and being so glad to have met a friend who shared the same beliefs that I did.  It turned out she was living with her aunt in the same town I was, and we decided to carpool together as well.  Those car rides were what solidified our friendship over the next few weeks, but due to her propensity for not being *quite* as early as I was, we decided to not ride together anymore.

The first time I remember really feeling comfortable with her was that we had to park in the farthest parking lot from the campus.  We both bought the cheapest parking passes.  And we got these books in these huge boxes that we had to carry out to our cars, and couldn't stop laughing because they were so heavy and we could hardly carry them.  I was so glad to meet someone who laughed at something so silly with me.

It isn't often that I, as an introvert, meet someone who is so accepting of me and some of my personality quirks.  She really brought me out of my shell in a lot of ways, and has ended up one of my best friends for life.  Even though we don't see each other that often, when we get together it's like we can just pick up where we left off.  This time we have decided that we won't let so much time go by in between seeing each other.  But it is just good to know that you have friends like that.  

Catching up last night was really great.  Probably one of the most refreshing evenings I've had in awhile.  Just having someone to listen to, and you can listen back.  Here's hoping that we have more time in our busy schedules to hang out!  She only lives an hour and a half away.

Also... please excuse the horrible sense of style I had in college.  I was poor and had no money for things like clothes.  But I had a lot of fun!

Why I don't hate my body anymore

This picture was taken for the sole purpose of seeing how a new pair of jeans looked on me.  Not intended for anyone to see, but today I was thinking about body image (again- I know) and how angry it makes me that we allow society to tell us whether or not we are beautiful based on the size of our hips, waist, bust, etc, and each one's proportion the other.  So I'm showing this because I'm not ashamed of my body.

Why don't I buy into that crap anymore?  Well, I'll tell you.  It makes me depressed, angry, self-hating, sad.  When I start to focus on my body and what I can "fix" about it, then I begin to see more and more things that I hate about it.  I've realized that I can choose to love my body.  It doesn't mean I think it's perfect, because it isn't.  It doesn't mean I eat whatever the hell I want (although most people who know me well, know that I choose not to diet either) and not care at all what I look like.

I do care about what I look like and how I present myself to the world.  But I do it in a way that I am happy with.  I don't need to be a size 6 for a man, for my parents, for my friends, or my sisters.  I don't need to prove to anyone else that I can "be something" by forcing my body to fit a specific standard.

I've been told with my height, this is easier for me to do than others.  And maybe that's true.  But I would argue that being tall is, in and of itself, an entirely separate issue that has nothing to do with my size or shape (and at times adds to body insecurity).

I don't owe it to anyone to look a certain way, or be a certain way.  I do owe it to myself to love me.  And to treat my body well and take care of it.  And I do.  I may not be a marathon runner or the most in shape person of the year, and I know that's something I need to work on for me.  But I love myself, my body, and the things that it can do.  To any of the ladies (or guys) reading this, try doing the same for yourself.

Well, I didn't follow through very well on my month of thankfulness.  But then again, I didn't promise there would be many posts about it so...

The week was a good one.  Tiring, but good.  Melissa got in on Wednesday night.  She came back and spent the night with me at my apartment that night, and the next morning I made my apple pie.  Allison drove up that morning and we all went to the Kerchers' for Thanksgiving dinner.  It was delicious!  Of course, the day included a traditional walk. 

Friday morning Allison, Melissa, Hannah, and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and then out to do some Black Friday shopping.  For the first time in years, I didn't walk up before the crack of dawn to wait in line.  It just didn't work out this year that way, but it was ok.  I made a few good purchases.  Even waited in line at the Loft to make a purchase with Allison.  But I got an awesome sweater that was totally worth it!  We put up our family's Christmas tree that night.  Saturday morning we ate breakfast at Manatee Cafe, which was delicious.  Allison and I walked around St. Augustine a little bit taking pictures.

That night I put up my own little Christmas tree in my apartment!  It's a small, 4.5 foot tree, but it is just perfect for my little apartment.  I am happy with it.  I had maybe ten ornaments of my own and decided to buy a few cute ones to add to the collection as well.  Hopefully someday there will be many more to add to it, but for now I have enough.

I'm not really into the Christmas spirit this year like I usually am.  Christmas has lost a lot of its "magic," or whatever you call it.  I'm still loving the Christmas music and the lights and all that, but something about it this year has lost its allure.  Hopefully I'll find some of that at some point.  In the meantime, Happy Christmas Season!

Thankful for my Grandparents

Even though I miss my grandparents terribly, even after two years, this week I have found myself so thankful for the love and support I had in my life because of them.

I took care of a dying 93-year-old man this week.  I was on death watch the night I had him, though he did not pass for another couple of days.  I walked into the room at one point to see his daughter with her head on his shoulder, stroking his face, and crying.  I haven't broken on the job in a long time, but this time I did.  I had to go sit in the bathroom for a little while and just cry.  It isn't often that happens at work.  I'm usually very good at keeping myself emotionally distant from patients and their family.  You have to.  You can't cry at work every day.

But ever since then, I've had Grandma and Grandpa on my mind.  That along with the time of year--being near the anniversary of Grandpa's death as well as the memories that Christmas brings so fresh-- really got me thinking about them a lot.  I do feel sad when I think of them, but it is only a sadness with a tinge of happiness.  Happiness because I have no sad memories of my grandparents.  Sure, they weren't perfect.  But what a strong, positive influence they had on my life.

I don't want this post to be sad.  I simply want to remember the two wonderful people I called Grandma and Grandpa for 23 and a half years.  I imagine what I would say to them today if they were still here.  I know what they'd say, or at least Grandpa- go out and find yourself a husband.  Always predictable... but he only wanted to know that I was loved and looked after.  Frustrating as those conversations got, I miss them.  You could always count on a sweet hug from Grandma, telling you how much she loved you, always with the emphasis on love.

I'm thankful that they were mine.  I like to think that in some way, they can still see me.

Thankfulness

Lindsey had a great couple of posts on her blog on thankfulness, so I thought, why not join in?  Instead of doing it on facebook, I decided I'll just do it on my blog.  It won't be daily, and maybe this will be the only post about it, but why not talk about the things I'm thankful for?  There are many.

1. I'm thankful for my job.  Cliche, I know, but really! In this economy and with so many people out of work, I really am lucky to have a stable job and be able to support myself.  Even when I don't always love it, I am thankful for it.

2. I'm thankful for my little apartment.  After a year of living with roommates I just didn't click with, having my own place has been pure awesomeness.  With that, I'm thankful for my kitty.

3. I'm thankful for cool weather.  Has this weather been awesome or what?!  I remember many a hot November in years past, and it really has been nice to have some cool weather this time of the year.

Cleveland: A Week of Fall-tastic Fun

On our first night there, we decided to take a trip to Target. We especially enjoyed browsing through the Halloween section.

Day 2: Fall foliage!  As a Floridian, this is something I rarely see.

Me, enjoying the scenery on our hike.

Lindsey's grandpa told us about this awesome place called Gervasi Vineyards.  Yes, this  is in Canton, OH.  Beautiful, isn't it?  Complete with wine-tasting and dinner at the bistro, it was an awesome experience!  Thanks, Mr. Grandpa Glorioso!

I took a picture with fall colors every chance I could get.

Day 3: A visit to Amish country!  It wasn't everything I hoped for, but I did get to see some Amish people.  The Amish guy using a leaf blower made the experience- we were trying to figure out how he justified that when they aren't supposed to use modern technology.

On our way back from Amish country, we passed a pumpkin patch.  And, since we don't have *actual* pumpkin patches in FL, we had to stop!

Before our pumpkin carving.

The finished product.  Lindsey's on the left, mine on the right.

Day 4: I got to see one of my oldest friends, Sarah Micklewright!  It was awesome catching up.  She came with us to a rainy fall fest, one of the coldest days I was there.  See, even the Clevelanders were cold on this day.

Here we are again!

We had to take pictures here... what are friends for if not being huge dorks together?

We went to Trader Joe's to pick out our perfect pumpkins.

Our pumpkin family.  Sarah's, the one on top with the monocle, is still my favorite.  Mine are the bottom left two... the simplest ones, but they do look happy, don't they?

Day 5: After dinner with Lindsey's family because her sister was in town, we took the train downtown to Cleveland and walked around seeing the sites.  It was also freezing this day.

The tower.

Day 6: A trip to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame and Museum!  Necessary picture with a guitar out front, of course!  I picked this one because it reminded me of palm trees in FL.

Me with the Rock Hall

And, it's time to go home.  I'm sorry I didn't take any pictures the last day... but I did take pictures on the plane when I left.  This is flying over Lake Erie toward Chicago.  Bye, Cleveland!

And to end my trip on a high note, I ran into my sister at the Chicago airport!  Surpised?  It wasn't as random as it sounds, but still, it was about as random as it could possibly get in an airport like that.  She was on her way to India, and that morning texted me to tell me she'd be in the O'Hare airport.  Lo and behold, so would I!  She sat with me at my gate (her layover was much longer than mine) until I boarded my plane.  We laughed a lot and had fun, and I think people around us were quite amused.  Allison looks quite fresh in this picture, just embarking on her great international ventures, and I look quite gnarly as I am exhausted from a week of touring.

Ah, friends... for me, the word "friend" is not one I use lightly.  I've never considered myself a person with friends in great quantity, but one with friends in great quality.  Unfortunately, many of them have lived long distance and so I don't get to see them often.  Lindsey is a friend that even if we don't talk for months, can just pick up where we left off the last time.  Sarah, one of my first friends, has been awesome to re-connect with.  We hadn't seen or spoken with each other in years, yet we randomly reconnected when she happened to live in the same city as my other friend!  Now both of them hang out without me... but it's ok, I forgive them.

To the good times!

Dear 16-year-old Me

Dear 16-year-old Me,

I'm 25 now.  In the past 9 years, believe me- we've come a long way.  We are very much still the same person, yet in so many ways very different.

You're really awkward right now.  I know.  You're way taller than all of your friends, your arms and legs are too long, and you haven't yet filled out- and still won't for a few more years.  Sorry.  Sometimes you feel like you're still so much younger than everyone else around you.  You want so much to grow up, to be something more than you are right now.  Right now you think that the most important thing is to find yourself a husband and get married to him so you can be a mom.  Your dreams are short-sighted and limited, but inside of you there is so much more to you that you haven't even begun to tap into.

Many of the people you call "friend" right now, you won't within the next several years.  Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you all the time.  You do have a few true, good friends that will be with you through thick and thin.  You'll stick by them and be glad that you did.  That guy you like that never notices you, well, you should probably know that someday you're going to be more successful than he is, and will find that there really was never much to him.  It's ok.  And it really doesn't get easier, I wish I could tell you that it does.

You will probably be devastated that while I am writing you this letter, I am still not married.  And guess what?  You're going to be ok.  You're going to learn that you have so much potential in life... that there are so many things you can do!  You're going to be a nurse someday, but right now you don't think so.  It's going to be hard, but stick through it and you'll do well.  Believe me.  You'll learn to be independent.  You will grow to love traveling.  You will learn that you can do so many things you never thought you could.

One last thing?  You aren't fat.  You. Are. Not. Fat.  You aren't chubby.  You are thin and fit.  You don't need to diet.  Exercise because it's good for you, not because you hate your body.  Someday you're going to look back at yourself and wonder why you ever thought such horrible things.  Love your body and take care of it.

Believe me... life isn't going to turn out the way you think it will at all.  Sometimes you're going to be lonely.  You will be sad when life's circumstances seem so out of your control.  Quit thinking you have a plan for your life, and just enjoy it.  These are the days you will look back upon so fondly.  And guess what.  I still haven't arrived.  I still have so much more growing to do.  We're in for a crazy ride!

Love,

25-year-old Me

I got back on Wednesday from an awesome week in Cleveland!  I will post pictures another time.  The best way I can think to describe the week is: good times with friends, laughing, pumpkin patches, pumpkin carving, B Spot burgers and chili cheese fries, rainy cold weather, lots of leisurely breakfasts out, Big Bang Theory, Harry Potter, and again- good times with friends!  Thanks, Lindsey, for letting me come visit!

I got to catch up with another one of my oldest friends, Sarah.  We met when we were just eight years old, and she moved away when we were nine.  But she visited a couple of times early on, and after visiting Cleveland two years ago, we once again re-connected.  This time we had more than one chance to hang out while I was there, and it was lots of fun laughing and talking about the good times.  And, realizing there are other people in the world with Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and soundtrack obsessions, and who hate New Girl.

Now it's back to reality.  I missed my kitty and I missed my little apartment, and it is good to be back.  I do wish good times like that could come around more often.  Until next time, then!

The first thing I have to say after watching this video, is a resounding AMEN.

It must be noted that Jennifer Livinston invited the writer of the letter, Kenneth Krause, on to discuss the attacks, but he didn't.  He stands by his remarks.  All I can say is, what a jerk.  If somebody is overweight, don't you think they know that??  Who does he think he is, pointing it out for her and then going on to tell her she is an unsuitable role model simply for being fat in a public position?

I think what makes me angriest about this, is that you would never see an overweight male news anchor receive this letter.  I don't recall anybody caring that Al Roker was overweight several years ago.  It's the cultural obsession we have with women's bodies being perfect that drives this.  I'm not saying that men and boys who are fat don't get bullied, because they do.  I know those who have.  But in the public eye, it truly is the women who suffer when it comes to body image.  Say what you will, but it is the truth.

I'm not saying men don't feel pressure to look a certain way.  I know that as far as body building goes, guys can get addicted to that because of the pressure to be muscular and built.  But I can't speak from that perspective, so I won't.

I'll only say that as a woman, there is an intense pressure to not only be thin, but still have that hourglass figure.  Have the right cup size.  But your legs need to be long too, so wear heels and they'll look longer.  But don't be too tall (ok, maybe this is one only for the tall girls).  We hate our hip size, our "mama's arms," our size, our noses, our hair, our boobs.  Why do you think women constantly dye, straighten, perm, curl, their hair?  There is an astounding number of women who get boob jobs.  In my work experience, I've known a few who have.  Why?  Who says that a 32A is the wrong size?  I guess society does, I don't know.  But something makes us think there is something "wrong" with the way we look.  Last year my friend and I were talking about a particular female band, and when mentioning one I said, "It's the one whose eyes are too close together."  Then I thought, who says whether someone's eyes are too close together or too far apart?  By what standard am I measuring something like that?

Well, anyway, these are some seriously disorganized thoughts but after that story was out yesterday I have been thinking a lot more about the whole idea of body image.

I'm looking in the mirror, and I am going to try my best to not have any standard that I'm measuring myself up against.  Anyway, most of those standards are fake.

Thanks to a friend's Pinterest board that she made to promote a positive body image, I was inspired to make several boards on my own Pinterest to promote my own positive body image.  One I made simply called "Body Image."  On this board I chose inspirational quotes, celebrities who have "normal" bodies, full-figured women, etc.  My other boards are "Curly Hair," and "Tall Girls."

I hope to not only promote a positive body image in myself, but to encourage other women to as well.  One pin, of the Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" memes, simply states: "Hey girl, start a revolution.  Stop hating your body."  Although meant to be funny, it struck me as very poignant and thought-provoking.  It doesn't mean let yourself go, be as unhealthy as you want.  However, there is a point where one has to say, this is my body.  Why am I letting the opinions of people I know and people I have never even met and never will meet, affect how I view myself?  Affect how I treat myself, and how I view others as well?

I always felt I was born with an unfortunate combination of characteristics.  Even though I feel I have done a fairly good job of loving my body, there have been many other aspects of myself I have hated.

It sound cliche, but there really is no one else on earth like me.  And that is the truth, even if it is a cheesy truth.

What a nice gift I got, getting canceled for work on a Friday night!  My five nights off turned into six, meaning I actually have five full days off.  Sometimes, nursing can definitely have its benefits.  As stressful of a job as it is, there aren't many that can afford you so many days in a row off.  I could go out of town with this kind of time off.  Course, I'm not which makes me pretty lame.

Speaking of lame... no, maybe it's too embarrassing to tell how lame I really am.  Suffice it to say, my sister Melissa and I are equally lame which I think probably makes us equally awesome.  Melissa, you know just what I'm talking about!  Ha!

So, as follow-up on the Weight Watchers front... I gave it up.  Initially it was the lack of will power, but secondary reasons for not going back on it were that my self esteem took a real plummet during those three weeks it hasn't taken in a long, long time.  I have gotten back to a much healthier view of myself.  I'm telling you, diets (call it what you want, it's still a diet) aren't for me.  It can be done in a healthy way, but I don't know how.  So.  I may never be a skinny-mini.  I can rock my curves, and I think I do.  I've avoided the subject for awhile now, because I was kind of embarrassed about it.  But I don't have to be.  I'm not perfect, I'm human and prone to the same mistakes as any person.  But that's kind of what my blog is about, just me being me.  I'm sure if you have read any past post, you know I've said some stupid crap on more than one occasion.

Been contemplating the concept of singleness and who I am in relation to that.  Will write about it soon, when my thoughts are more complete and not just randomly bouncing around my head.  After talking to my sister last night, I had some epiphanies about my attitude in relation to this subject.  Embracing singleness vs. making it your identity.  More to come.

Last week, I took care of a 91 year old lady.  Little old ladies, they always want to know about your marital status.  Then they like to tell you that you are a beautiful girl and they don't know WHY you aren't married yet.  This lady, however, after I told her that no, I wasn't married, she thought about it for a minute and said, "You are a wonderful girl and let me tell you, if you go the whole rest of your life and you stay single, you will be okay!"

Course, I'm wondering do I take this as an insult or compliment?  But really, I knew what she meant and I thanked her for saying so kindly what others won't (especially of her generation).  People in general, though I know they are trying to be helpful, are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman who is happy with herself as is.  The response is almost always, "Oh, honey, you just wait and someday when you least expect it the right man will come along!"  The problem with that statement, is it just isn't true for everyone, and the people saying it can't guarantee that it is.  Not everyone is going to find "the one."  Sometimes people don't find the one until they are older after living for many years single.

Maybe it's just an overall awkward subject and people just don't know what to say, so they say the first silly thing that comes to mind.  I suppose I should give people a little more credit.  I mean, I don't really know what people should say.  But feeling sorry for me and trying to sympathize when no sympathy is needed is pretty annoying.  Do I want to get married?  Hell yeah!  I hope it happens.  I hope it happens sooner rather than later, don't get me wrong.  But in the meantime, I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself and neither should anyone else.

I'm currently reading Dearie- a biography about Julia Child.

Though not really into cooking so much, I've always looked up to Julia Child as role model and someone I could relate to.  Having not gotten married until she was 34, she had many years of somewhat independent living (she came from money, and social standards of the day meant it wasn't so unusual for a single woman to still receive financial help from their parents).  On top of that, she didn't even find her calling until well into her thirties.  She worked a job that required her to travel and saw so much of the world.  Of course, can't talk about Julia Child without mentioning her height as a fellow tall woman- 6'2.  If I think it's frustrating being a tall woman today, I can't even imagine what it was like for Julia and her sister trying to navigate the world of dating in the 30s and 40s. Both married shorter men than themselves.

The book is very interesting and I've only gotten so far as her work overseas with the OSS.  Already in her thirties, yet so much more to her story to come.  I hope someday, people can say that about me.

I hope that one day at the end of my life, I can say I've lived it to the fullest.  I want to travel. I have such an itch to see the world, that I'm often tempted to up and buy a plane ticket to who-knows-where and just do it by myself.  I want experiences of different cultures, people from other places, to get out of my own narrow American view of the world.

I think travel nursing may just satisfy that itch, at least within the States, but in the meantime there are so many other places I want to go.  I want to live, because stuck here, I'm not.  I'm dreaming of it, yes.

Does this describe how I feel or what?

"You can get so confusedthat you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of guy!"

-Dr. Suess's Oh the Places You'll Go!

I am one domestically challenged woman.  The worst at letting my apartment go, and then every time I clean it (which is less often than I'd like to admit) I wonder how I ever let it get messy in the first place and vow to keep it clean as I go.  Then before I know it, messy.  How can you clutter up a two room apartment in such a short time?!  However, I really am going to work on keeping it clean, because if I do move in January, the last thing I want is to be doing a mass cleaning and packing all at the same time.  But I'm proud of myself, as I've deep cleaned and de-cluttered today.  Keeping it clean isn't hard, it's being disorganized that's my problem.

So, anyway.  I ordered new glasses today, and I'm so excited!  They're Ray-Bans, and though not the large rimmed hipster glasses that the cool kids wear nowadays, they're pretty close.  I couldn't go with the really big ones.  I just couldn't.  Anyway, these ones are still cool and somewhat "hipster" if you will, but still something that I can pull off without looking like I'm trying too hard.

And speaking of hipster, I got my first pair of Toms this week.  You know, I like them, but I'm not sure they really fit my style.  That or I just have to get used to them since they are a strange looking pair of shoes.  Maybe I underestimate my ability to be cool.

September is here, and that means all my favorite shows are back!  Parenthood, Survivor, Big Bang Theory.... it's just too much to handle.  Looking forward to watching them.

Exciting changes to be coming.  It is freeing to even think about.

After time spent with a dear friend tonight, it became very clear to me what I need to do next.  I am looking into travel nursing, and expect to hopefully be starting it by January or so.  I need time to be myself, to do something new, and not be held back by people around me. 

As I have not yet begun to officially pursue it, I don't know when it will be.  I just know it will be, at some point.  Something has got to give in my life, and this choice is for nobody but myself.  I have felt trapped by family drama, the choices of others, and my own striving to make things right for too long... and traveling will do nothing to change that.  But it will give me my own space, my own time, and my own identity apart from the shit I've had to deal with for the last two years.  Selfish, maybe, but it's not a choice I am making lightly.

So here's hoping.

First night I flew in I got to meet my new baby cousin, Alex!

While Melissa was at work, I drove into Grafton for something to do.  A very small, cute town on the Mississippi River.  Saturday night we went to one of the wineries there as well.

The Great River Road

I'm writing from the great state of Illinois!  I flew into St. Louis last night and got to go straight to my aunt and uncle's and meet my new little cousin, Alex.  Greg and Maria are in town also this weekend, as well as a few other cousins so I thought why not come up also?  Hoping for it to be a good weekend.  I'm happy to be with family.

I got to see my grandparents' memorial today for the first time.  They originally had told us they didn't want a headstone, but because they had purchased a plot many years ago we decided that we needed a place to remember them.  It is next to my grandma's parents headstone.  I just sat there thinking about them, talking to them, and crying.  It was so good.  I have already dealt with their loss, but sometimes it helps to cry and just remember.  I feel refreshed after that visit, almost like they were there with me.

Good to get away.  I need to get away more.

Day three and going strong!  I woke up yesterday morning and decided why not go to the beach and walk?  I live 15 minutes away and rarely take advantage of that opportunity.  Though I didn't wake up early enough to see the sunrise, morning is still the most beautiful time because of the east-facing coast.  I went again today.  Baby steps... that's what it is.  I bought a Jillian work-out dvd on the way home.  Not her super intense 30-day shred, but a milder one.  I only made it about half-way through.  So I decided if that's all I could do, it's better than I was doing before.  I'll just slowly work my way up.

I'm still watching Olympics... though not as much as before.  Most of the sports playing now aren't really my favorite.  Has anyone watched synchronized swimming?  I don't doubt that those ladies are in super excellent shape... but it is kind of funny.  And I wonder how it got to be an Olympic sport?  Maybe people said that about figure skating once upon a time... but the synchronized swimmers make it so funny that you can hardly take them seriously.  Anyway, they're doing better than I am, I guess, so who am I to criticize?

I'm feeling better today and determined to keep this up.  And on that note, I still think I look pretty awesome despite what I was told a few nights ago.  I just want to look awesome-er as well as feel awesome-er!

Change- It Starts with Action

I got canceled at work tonight, so I decided that I needed to go on a grocery trip.  It was a somewhat pricey one, and I need to figure out how to shop a little smarter in the future.  It was overwhelming enough tonight simply trying to find only healthy foods that I can stomach.  My grocery shopping habits tend to be, "What looks good?  Ok, I'll buy that today."  So today I mostly bought fresh, and the only meat I got was turkey for sandwiches for work.

Tonight as I was shopping I was looking for quinoa.  I texted my sister Hannah (in a nutrition program at college) and asked her where I could even find quinoa.  Then told her I bet she thought I'd never ask that.  She has already offered to help me with anything that is healthy and good for me-- already explaining that quinoa is high in protein and iron, low in sodium, and works as a substitute for rice.  Maybe Hannah can specialize in making healthy food that normal people like to eat-- I'd be a good guinea pig for stuff like that!

Weight Watchers online is actually an incredibly great resource.  It has gotten a lot better since I did it three years ago!  If anyone wants to join me... I'd love to have a partner to hold me accountable!

I have come up with my weight goal, but decided that if I reach a point where I love the way I look and feel, I will simply go to maintaining.  I really don't want to be a tiny, skinny thing.  Mostly I just want to be toned but keeping my curves... we'll see.  I doubt one can really have the best of both worlds.

I know it's the first day... and that when you first decide to do something you can quickly lose motivation.  Right now I'm determined that no one else will make a rude comment regarding my weight again.  But I know it's about more than that.  That was something that made me realize that I wasn't taking care of myself, and it's starting to show.  I don't want to give up on this.  It's something I'm doing for me, and no one else

Wish me luck!

Change

At work last night a very blunt co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you gaining weight?  You look like you are gaining weight."

I have joined weight watchers again.  It hit me when I looked in the mirror... though I don't want to be skinny, I am not the healthy woman that I once was.  I am determined to take better care of myself.  I have accepted that I am the over-looked, chubby but still confident girl, and I won't do that anymore.

I realize I've said a lot of stuff about accepting myself and loving myself and that is still true for me.  I still look in the mirror and see something that I like, but I know that it just isn't the best I can be when I am not healthy.

I am posting this so that I am accountable.  I want to continue to love myself but to do it better.  I have been doing myself a disservice for the rest of my life by not taking care of my health.  That ends today.  I know it won't be perfect.  I know I work nights, and it's going to be extra hard because of that.

I've seen dieting done the wrong way.  I have never watched somebody diet and exercise the right way.  Not once.  With great fear I am starting this, because I don't want to become somebody who is obsessed and preoccupied with food.  I want to be the best Nat that I can be.

The thing is, I'm still within the healthy weight range... but pushing the limits and I'm ready to change that.  Ready to look my best and feel my best.

Olympics!!  I've had a BLAST this week watching them!  I got call for work on Tuesday night which freed me to watch the women's gymnastics team take the gold.  Tonight I got to watch Michael Phelps' last race.  It was sad.  I remember being 17 and thinking he was, like, soooo hot at the Athens Olympics.  I still think he'll be back in four years.  I don't believe he is done.  But we'll see.  Anyway, Ryan Lochte is my new love.  (have you SEEN him?!)  He may be an arrogant ass with a stupid grill... but I just can't get enough of him.  Gabby Douglas did amazing tonight in the all-round!  What a sweet girl with a beautiful smile.  Glad to see an American take it, and do so as graciously as she did.

I feel like the Olympics are over because my favorite events are winding down.  But there is still more men's gymnastics to come (amazing!) and I do enjoy track and field.  I'm still gonna enjoy every last bit of it that I can.

Anyway... sad to say that not much has been going on the last few days other than work and Olympics.  I honestly have been spending most of my time off watching them.  (Lame, I know)  More work the next couple weeks before going up north to visit family for a weekend.  My uncle is turning 60 and I thought it would be fun to join in on the celebration with everyone.

I'm off tomorrow and back to work on Saturday.  I'm pooped from work this week... time for some rest.

Lovely Sunday morning with the Olympics on TV (women's cycling) and a cup of coffee in hand.  I do wish we could watch the games live, because I feel like I have to be so careful not to find out who wins anything ahead of time.  Mostly with my favorite sports does it really matter.  But even then, it's still no fun to already know the results.  It's raining in London... I feel like that is not surprising at all.  I always imagine a lot of rain when I think of England.  Which probably means there are dementors everywhere... right?

Ahhh my cat is driving me insane!!  I bought this spray called Ssscat to keep on the counter.  It has a sensor which detects when the cat jumps up and sprays him.  It worked wonders while I had it.  When I went back to get a refill, PetsMart was all out.  Now my cat is out of control and I can't figure out how to keep him off tables and counters.  I don't like being harsh with him, which might be the reason I can't get him under control.  I need ideas... because it is getting old.  And it's just gross having a cat jumping on your counters and tables.  Nobody wants that.

I never did get called into work last night... hallelujah!!  I had picked up all this overtime, and was kind of regretting it.  I have two more OT days in the next two weeks and I hope I get canceled one.  I do want to work OT, just not as much as I signed up for.  Got some cool things coming up I need to save for.  Announcements will be coming soon... but not until I've got some stuff set in stone!

One cool thing I can announce (because I know you're all just on the edge of your seats!) is that in October I'm going to Cleveland to visit Lindsey!  I went a couple of years ago and it was a blast!  But there was a TON of snow, which was awesome, but kept us from doing quite as much as we might otherwise.  I figured a fall trip might be perfect.  Not hot, but hopefully a little cold (I do enjoy colder weather-- colder not FREEZING) and fall.  Did I mention fall?  I love fall!!

The best time in four years.  Olympics.  Wish they came around more often, but they are way more fun because of the anticipation.  I love cheering for the athletes.  I watched the Lochte/Phelps show-down, totally cheering for Lochte!  Glad he won.  He's somewhat of a local so it's good to cheer for someone from so close by.  I'd love to see him do what Phelps did four years ago.  Not to mention he's easy on the eyes... so...  But really.  I actually am rooting for him for more than that!  Florida boy's bringing home the gold!

Been watching them off and on all day.  Men's gymnastics already proving to be a lot of fun to watch.  For being 5 feet tall those guys sure are hot.  Honest, I like the Olympics for more than just that.  But one can't help but observe!

Anyway, I'm excited about the next couple of weeks.  I got put on call for work tonight, so I have gotten to watch a little more Olympic coverage than I'd expected.  Not to mention I wasn't feeling so great so it was a welcome phone call to get.  I'm still afraid they might call me in, but hopefully they won't.

Think of a time when you were the happiest.  When I think about mine, I imagine my high school self.  I know I wouldn't go back to that time, but when they say ignorance is bliss, they aren't kidding.  I was so oblivious to any sort of hardship or sadness in life.

I imagine what it would be like to be sitting in that stupid white conversion van again with my family, driving to Illinois at Christmastime to see my grandparents.  My hair frizzy and flying everywhere awkardly, wearing really nerdy clothes, but happy.  That night we ran out of gas when we were 20 miles out.  Hugging my grandparents in their healthier days.

I think about sitting in Starbucks with my high school friends, most of whom I don't even keep up with anymore, talking over which boy in the youth group is cutest... most of them were losers now that I look back on it.  I think about the quiet times in my room, when I would write in my diary, hoping and wishing to someday grow out of my awkwardness.  Writing about my many hopes and dreams.  Those were the few times I ever got to spend by myself, and I loved it.

I'm not a sad person, and I don't want this post to convey that.  I suppose I'm just feeling sentimental today and wishing for simpler, happier times.  Maybe they weren't as happy as I thought they were, I don't know.  Some of my happiest days in jr. high and high school were spent at Camp Kulaqua, and I'm DEFINITELY excited to go back there today!

Wednesday night I had nothing to do, so I decided to go see Madea's Witness Protection Program.  I LOVE the Madea movies.  I think they are hilarious, and this one was the funniest one yet!  I was telling my friend about it at work the next night, and she couldn't believe I went to a movie by myself.  It's funny, because when I do go to a movie alone I always feel a little self conscious.  When everyone is busy and I want to see a movie, I'm gonna see it.  Then I'm gonna feel like a weird loner when everyone else is paired up or with their best friends.

The first movie I saw alone was Alice in Wonderland a couple years ago.  I had never even considered seeing a movie alone.  I don't know why people don't do it more.  You will rarely see somebody sitting alone in a theater, but unless you're a fourteen-year-old making out with your date, all you do in a theater is watch a movie.  It really isn't about quality time with friends (unless it's a particularly funny movie, I suppose).  Not to mention I have a lot more free time than most people do, therefore am more likely to go to the movies spur of the moment when everyone else is busy.

Tomorrow I leave for Camp Kulaqua!!  Yeah!!  I'm so unbelievably excited!  I hope it's a calm week.  Last year was pretty busy with multiple sick kids.  Not to mention some counselors saw us as their babysitters.  Which I'm sure will happen again.  I just hope nobody gets sick. What a bummer to go to camp and get sick.  We ended up sending one girl home last year, which I felt so badly for.  Her mother tried so hard to convince us she was going to get better.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I decided to watch Napoleon Dynamite.  I haven't watched that movie in years.  Reminds me so much of high school.  I feel like crap today, though.  Oh, well, I'm going to camp tomorrow.

I was always the skinny girl growing up.  I remember in jr. high, my mom bought me a size 1 Arizona jeans from JC Penney.  They were HUGE on me.  And I fit them until early high school, when I sort of began to fill out and fit size 4 and 6.  Then I decided I was fat and attempted dieting, where years of having a preoccupation with food and calorie-counting and diets began.  I hovered around a size 6 and never got above a size 8 in high school, and I thought I was fat.

I feel less fat today than I did then (though I look at pictures of myself in those days and can't believe how skinny I was).  And I wear a size 12 now.  I'm not even embarrassed to tell people that.  Yeah, I'm not skinny.  I know that and really, if people ask me if I'm pregnant (has happened multiple times...) it doesn't bother me.  Once a patient of mine asked and she cried because she felt so badly.  She couldn't believe I wasn't offended, but I just shrugged and said, "you aren't the first person to ask me that."  What's the worst thing someone could say to me?  Certainly not that.  (and for the record... I really don't look pregnant, I just don't have a flat stomach)

Come on, we've got beautiful women like Kristina Hendricks and Queen Latifah representing full-figured women in Hollywood!  I'm not saying I compare to either one in any way, but I certainly am curvy and proud of it.  I grew tired of striving to be a smaller size years ago.  But only in the last year or two have I really begun to appreciate myself and the way I look, even if it doesn't measure up to society's standards.  Not to mention I'm six freakin' feet tall and a size 12 on me is probably more equivalent to an 8 or 10 on shorter girls.

I know I would probably look better with 10 or so pounds off.  Sometimes I look at runway models and think, "Gee, wouldn't it be great to look like that?"  I'm not pretending to always feel secure and love myself, or say there aren't things about my body that I dislike.  But it has been so freeing to realize that it's ok to be happy the way that I am and to like what I see in the mirror.  I can still wear super-cute clothes and jewelry and show my own style.

That stupid saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" is bull.  First of all, skinny girls don't feel skinny.  Many of the ones I know think they're fat.  Second of all, wanting to be skinny shouldn't be the goal.  And third, I think part of enjoying life is not obsessing over what you can and can't eat.  If you want a cupcake, eat the damn cupcake.  Just don't eat six.

All this to say, the odds of me ever being a size 4 again are slim.  I'm not going to tear myself apart because of the way that I look.  I could probably eat better and exercise more and look a little more toned, and that would be great.  However, today I am happy with the way I am.

Being a Nerd

Nerds are cool.

I'm not talking about hipsters and the whole "awkward is the new cool" kind of nerds that everyone seems to be embracing these days.  I'm talking about people who have been nerds since the beginning of time.

Anyone still re-living the glory of their high school or college basketball days, rave parties in their sorority or fraternity, or basically anything from their high school and college days, really look pretty pathetic and like they have no real accomplishments to show for themselves.  In Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? she talks about the advice she gives to teenage girls if they want to be successful like she is.  She lists a few silly things, and then says "or do what I did, which is stay in school and be a respectful and hardworking wallflower, and go to an accredited non-online university."  She even mentions that it's ok to be a quiet and observant kid (because you learn a lot about people).  Because when you graduate, and you are in the real world, no one gives a shit about any of your high school achievements.

So it's better to be a nerd.  I don't really regret that I spent most of my time reading and studying through high school and college.  I didn't go to parties, I wasn't popular in the slightest, I didn't have lots of boys calling me, I didn't have any cool clothes.  I may have been a bit of a goody-goody in those days.  And maybe if I had done any of those things I still might have been the same person today.  But I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I'm proud that I was able to finish college and start a career and support myself.  I'm glad I was (and still am, at heart) a nerd.