2013

I can hardly believe that 2013 has come to an end.  What a year!  I've got NYE off for the first time EVER since becoming a nurse, but conveniently I'm stuck all the way out in California where I don't know many people outside of my roommate who is at work.  But it's kind of nice to just spend the evening thinking about the past year---how I've grown---and my aspirations for 2014.

So here's a recap of all the big things that happened to me this year.

In January, I got my little kitty Aberforth!  I was so excited to bring him home and introduce him to Albus.  The two didn't get along very well at first, but eventually became like brothers.  January tends to be a very boring month in which very little happens.

Skipping to March, I went on my very first cruise--- with the Disney Cruise Line!  I would definitely say that this was the BEST vacation I've ever been on.  I'd never really had that "resort" experience before, and from what I've heard since then, DCL is the top of the line cruise line.  Don't think I'll ever cruise with anyone else!  After the cruise, sadly I lost my kitty Albus after he swallowed over 20 hair ties.  It was a very sad experience, especially because I felt so responsible.

In April I suffered a back injury which put me in the ER.  I had a lot of realizations about my health during the time after, but didn't really know what to do or how to deal with them at the time.  The following month while visiting family in Illinois, I saw a picture of myself that somebody had taken, and hardly recognized it.  It was then that I knew I had to take my health seriously, realizing that I was now closer to 30 than I was to 20... and I knew that I didn't want the way I was to be as good as it was gonna get.  (That's a really tough realization, by the way)  Anyway, it was the best thing I could ever have done for myself.  My summer was very much devoted to taking care of myself and learning how to be healthy.

Of course, another week in July was spent at Camp Kulaqua as camp nurse with Allison!  This year was unique as a church had a big outbreak of lice.  But it helped that Holly T was a part of that church, meaning we got to hang out with her a lot!

My sister Hannah and I took a fun trip to Charleston, SC in August with one of her friends.  I came away, wondering how we could have lived so close to such a cool city and I'd never been there before. I still think it's a place I would love to live.

In September I went to Universal Studios for a fun weekend with Bela and her family.  We had just gotten our California licenses at that time, and were working on finding assignments out here.

And in October, I went on another Disney Cruise with Allison!  This was a very last minute plan, and we decided to do it because I was about to be doing travel nursing, and she was about to move to St. Louis.  One last hurrah, if you will.  It was a BLAST!  Less than a week after getting home, I left for the great state of California!  It was a road trip that took all of six days from October 30, ending November 4.  Four days total of driving.  If you've read my blog at all recently, there's not a whole lot else to tell about what's happened since.

Travel nursing has been the right decision, for sure.  I try to see it as an adventure, even if it isn't always the way that I expected it to be.  It's hard to believe we've been out here for two months already... soon it will be time to find another assignment!

2013 was a great one!  Here's to 2014--- hopefully another GREAT year!

Albus

It is with sadness that I tell you that yesterday, my sweet kitty Albus passed away.  It was all very fast and unexpected, and overall a very traumatic and awful experience I'd rather stop re-living again and again, so I won't talk about that.

Albus, you were the greatest friend in a cat I could have asked for in the past year and a half.  You came to me a short while after a really rough time, and helped me heal.  In times when I felt alone, you were there for me.  And even during the times that sometimes I felt like you got a little under my skin by having your night terrors running from one end of the apartment to another, jumping on the counters and dining table, and stealing all of my hair ties to play with them, you still loved me unconditionally.

I had envisioned having you for many many years.  You being my buddy through thick and thin, until I was well into my thirties.  And I know you would have if you could.

You were always so excited to see me when I got home.  You would be right there at the door to greet me.  I had often heard people say that dogs were just the more lovable and kind animal, I would smile to myself and think, "Not Albus."  You wanted to be everywhere I was.  And you loved everyone you met, also.  Even my dad, who has never liked cats, liked you.

I miss you, Albus.  When I came home to my apartment for the first time last night and you weren't there to greet me, I felt so lonely and heartbroken.  Though I've cried many tears over you and know I will cry more, I will always remember you and the joy you brought me for a year and a half.  It was too short.

He didn't enjoy taking pictures with me. 

 Always so sweet and loving.

The Most Interesting Cat in the World 

This was just a few months ago.  So playful. 

Getting used to a new brother.

I don't have much to look forward to about Christmas this year, but the nostalgia of it all has been my friend.  I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the "good old days" (try, being the key word- sentimentality is something I fall prey to very easily) but at this time of year you kind of can't help it.

It seems like I can't hear a Christmas song without tying some memory to it.  I decided to write down some of them, if only for the therapeutic value for myself.

I've always loved Christmas.  Since I can remember as a young girl, it has been the one day of the year that I look forward to more than any other.  As I have gotten older, I've realized in large part that was because of Grandma and Grandpa.  They made Christmas what it was.  I took it as a given in those days, not realizing I would not always have that.  And, for a child, that's good.  But as an adult, I still miss it.

When we visited Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas, in the early days we would get there as early as December 17 and stay through Christmas day.  So our Christmas celebrations happened throughout the week, each one as good as the last.  We lived life with Grandma and Grandpa during those times, going to church with them (where we often would sit with Aunt Georgia and Uncle Dick- which, after reading Grandpa's diaries years later, he didn't always appreciate because then people thought we were their grandkids), grocery shopping with them (at Slop'n'Shave... I mean Shop'n'Save), helping in the kitchen, and taking walks to visit the cousins down the street. 

I hate to say it, but my heart really does ache for days like those.  I realize the reality that things will never be the same and that's simply the way it is.  I know I'm an adult in my 20s and should be well beyond yearning for the Christmases of my childhood.  But I'm not and I miss it, and it does help me to remember.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, because there's nothing to feel sorry for about it.  It is what it is, it's just part of growing up.

Four years ago, the last Christmas I spent with both of my grandparents, I wouldn't have imagined that at this time this would be how I spent Christmas.  Of course, I didn't know how long we would have Grandpa, because he was already in his 90s, but I never could have imagined Grandma would be gone as well.  It's just crazy how much things can change.

I hadn't anticipated how sad Christmastime would make me this year.

I really, really miss my grandparents at this time of year.  I just want to be able to drive up there on the 20th, sleep at their house, eat around the dining room table with all of the ones I love, candles in the middle of the table, with laughter and the warmth of togetherness.  I want to hear Grandma laughing, Aunt Georgia exclaiming how "loverly" everything is, Grandpa saying the dinner prayer that always went on for too long.

I want to sit at their kitchen window watching snow fall outside.  I want to drink green punch and eat party pizzas at the Christmas Eve party.  I want to go to Peck Hall and have the family parties we always did.

I love the memories, but they make my heart ache.  I don't know why.  Usually when I remember my grandparents I'm not sad anymore.  But maybe it's the time of year and knowing that I'll be by myself for Christmas this year that hurts the most.  Christmas has always, always been my favorite time of year.  But I don't know if that's the case anymore, at least not quite as much as it used to be.  Last night I watched Rudolph, and it really made me sad.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Grandpa dying.  A lot, a lot has changed since then.

So sorry for the sad post today.  Sometimes you just miss people and you can't help but be sad, and that's how I am today.

Dear 16-year-old Me

Dear 16-year-old Me,

I'm 25 now.  In the past 9 years, believe me- we've come a long way.  We are very much still the same person, yet in so many ways very different.

You're really awkward right now.  I know.  You're way taller than all of your friends, your arms and legs are too long, and you haven't yet filled out- and still won't for a few more years.  Sorry.  Sometimes you feel like you're still so much younger than everyone else around you.  You want so much to grow up, to be something more than you are right now.  Right now you think that the most important thing is to find yourself a husband and get married to him so you can be a mom.  Your dreams are short-sighted and limited, but inside of you there is so much more to you that you haven't even begun to tap into.

Many of the people you call "friend" right now, you won't within the next several years.  Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you all the time.  You do have a few true, good friends that will be with you through thick and thin.  You'll stick by them and be glad that you did.  That guy you like that never notices you, well, you should probably know that someday you're going to be more successful than he is, and will find that there really was never much to him.  It's ok.  And it really doesn't get easier, I wish I could tell you that it does.

You will probably be devastated that while I am writing you this letter, I am still not married.  And guess what?  You're going to be ok.  You're going to learn that you have so much potential in life... that there are so many things you can do!  You're going to be a nurse someday, but right now you don't think so.  It's going to be hard, but stick through it and you'll do well.  Believe me.  You'll learn to be independent.  You will grow to love traveling.  You will learn that you can do so many things you never thought you could.

One last thing?  You aren't fat.  You. Are. Not. Fat.  You aren't chubby.  You are thin and fit.  You don't need to diet.  Exercise because it's good for you, not because you hate your body.  Someday you're going to look back at yourself and wonder why you ever thought such horrible things.  Love your body and take care of it.

Believe me... life isn't going to turn out the way you think it will at all.  Sometimes you're going to be lonely.  You will be sad when life's circumstances seem so out of your control.  Quit thinking you have a plan for your life, and just enjoy it.  These are the days you will look back upon so fondly.  And guess what.  I still haven't arrived.  I still have so much more growing to do.  We're in for a crazy ride!

Love,

25-year-old Me

I'm writing from the great state of Illinois!  I flew into St. Louis last night and got to go straight to my aunt and uncle's and meet my new little cousin, Alex.  Greg and Maria are in town also this weekend, as well as a few other cousins so I thought why not come up also?  Hoping for it to be a good weekend.  I'm happy to be with family.

I got to see my grandparents' memorial today for the first time.  They originally had told us they didn't want a headstone, but because they had purchased a plot many years ago we decided that we needed a place to remember them.  It is next to my grandma's parents headstone.  I just sat there thinking about them, talking to them, and crying.  It was so good.  I have already dealt with their loss, but sometimes it helps to cry and just remember.  I feel refreshed after that visit, almost like they were there with me.

Good to get away.  I need to get away more.

Think of a time when you were the happiest.  When I think about mine, I imagine my high school self.  I know I wouldn't go back to that time, but when they say ignorance is bliss, they aren't kidding.  I was so oblivious to any sort of hardship or sadness in life.

I imagine what it would be like to be sitting in that stupid white conversion van again with my family, driving to Illinois at Christmastime to see my grandparents.  My hair frizzy and flying everywhere awkardly, wearing really nerdy clothes, but happy.  That night we ran out of gas when we were 20 miles out.  Hugging my grandparents in their healthier days.

I think about sitting in Starbucks with my high school friends, most of whom I don't even keep up with anymore, talking over which boy in the youth group is cutest... most of them were losers now that I look back on it.  I think about the quiet times in my room, when I would write in my diary, hoping and wishing to someday grow out of my awkwardness.  Writing about my many hopes and dreams.  Those were the few times I ever got to spend by myself, and I loved it.

I'm not a sad person, and I don't want this post to convey that.  I suppose I'm just feeling sentimental today and wishing for simpler, happier times.  Maybe they weren't as happy as I thought they were, I don't know.  Some of my happiest days in jr. high and high school were spent at Camp Kulaqua, and I'm DEFINITELY excited to go back there today!

NYC- Part One

 New York City!  I have wanted to visit this city since I can remember.  Possibly prompted by my exposure to the movie Newsies, but my cousins and I used to watch the movie Annie and when that song NYC came on, I always imagined myself being there.  This past weekend that dream came true!!!  When I got off the plane I took a cab over to my cousin's, which was wonderful because I got to see the skyline with the sunset as we drove over.  Also getting a cab is an experience in itself.

I was so, so excited on my way into the city!!

My cousin Kat welcomed me with a little "New York survival package."  We drank some wine and chatted into the night.

Friday night, we made another dream come true and saw Newsies on broadway!  I can't even BEGIN to tell you how amazing it was.  The whole time, I could only think of all my old Newsies friends: Lindsey, Callie, Sarah, my sisters, Lauren.  I wished they could all be there with me.  During Carryin' the Banner I was suddenly overwhelmed with the memories and got teary-eyed.  How many memories of my childhood revolve around singing and dancing to the soundtrack, going to friend's Newsies-themed birthday party, taking on a character as our own, writing fan fic (yes, yes, we did), printing Newsies pictures off the internet for our Newsies scrapbooks, and so much more.  I realize how incredibly cheesy that sounds, but it's true. Though I've seen the movie hundreds of times, it's never had that effect on me like seeing it live.  To all of you Newsies friends who are reading this, know dat ya pal Mush was missin' ya!  Kid Blink, Racetrack, Spot, Crutchie, Jack, Boots, Bumlets... all of yous!

Of course, we dressed up a little to see our first musical!

Waiting for the show to begin!  The anticipation!

We did a lot more over the weekend but I'll have to post about it in hitches if I ever do get around to it or else I will bore you to death.  It was such a good, wonderful weekend.  New York City was everything I thought it would be.  I was afraid that because I have wanted to go for so long and always had this idea in my mind of what it was like that it would be a huge disappointment.  It wasn't.  I hope that someday I can go back.

Also, I turned 25 yesterday.  I went to New York just a young'un and came back wiser.

I'm sad today. Been really nostalgic, and realized today that a year ago I was in Illinois, moving furniture into the assisted living facility where we anticipated my grandma would live. I have such mixed emotions about those days alternating between sweet and bitter. Those days were some of the most special ones I can remember.

I remember that day being incredibly rainy and overcast, but how excited all of us were for this final chapter of Grandma's life. We knew she didn't have many years left to live, but we knew that this was right for her. She would still have family nearby and perhaps make new friends and hobbies. When we realized her health was failing for good, we came together. It was almost like the family gatherings of the past, only it was sad.

No matter how old or young a person is, loss is loss. When two people have been such an important part of your life for so long are gone, there is such an emptiness without them. I experienced a lot of loneliness, because so few could understand the depth of grief around the death of grandparents. One thing I will never, ever do is downplay another's loss. Someone could be 105 and their death is a loss to someone.

This week I want to remember my grandparents in their healthier days. Once my grandpa wrote me an e-mail when I had expressed to him how much I missed them after coming home from Christmas. "I want you to have a good day. I know you miss us and we miss you, but we have to take life as it comes to us and enjoy it. You do have a good life in Florida. Say hello to everyone for me. Keep writing. Keep your letters coming. Keep the faith." Another time, when he wrote, "Goodbye for awhile. Don't take any wooden nickels. You are my sweetie from Tahiti, tweety tweety. Love, Paw Paw."

I don't want to focus on their loss, but on all I have gained from them through the years. I am so grateful to have had two such wonderful people to call my grandparents for 23 and 1/2 years. I want to remember the long walks in the evening, baking cookies with Grandma, listening to stories about the depression and the war from Grandpa. I wish they were still here, more than anything, but there's nothing that can change, because it is what it is. Can't wait to see them again someday.

I've now gone and come from a visit with family. It was a wonderful trip. I will post pictures eventually, but since I'm not on my computer I can't.

We brought home a few more mementos and many more pictures from my grandparents. If there's one thing my grandparents were (and there were many), it was avid photographers. Not professional by any means, but they both loved to photograph life, and especially those that they loved: family. My grandma took over in the later years, as my grandpa's eye sight deteriorated with macular degeneration.

I can't even believe the sheer amount of photos we have obtained from them. And really, it isn't even all of them, as both of my dad's brothers got some as well.

Just before my dad was born. My grandpa is
the smiling man on the far left, and my grandma
is the smiling lady on the far right. That is also my great-grandpa, and my great Aunt Georgia. Those are my two uncles as well as my dad's cousin Ellen (the baby).
Birthdays have always been a big deal in my family.

Cute little 1950s family. I think life really was so happy.
My dad is the baby.

Celebrating Great-Grandpa's birthday.
My dad is on the far right- a little Greg Brady-esque.
Again, birthdays were a big occasion.

Three brothers- my dad is on the right.
All these guys are awesome fathers, two of them
now grandfathers. All three are honorable men.

St. Louis Zoo 1988. I'm the baby in the backpack.

Me playing on the swing set. I'm probably about two.

Us kids, with our special addition.
My grandma always took 5am pictures of us before we drove home.

Family on Christmas Day 2008- all happy :)

I love memories.

Was the past really as wonderful as the memories? Do we paint it to be better than it really was? I don't know. I do know that the past is a secure place. One where we know the outcome-- or at least some of the outcome. I can smile at a warm memory, because I know how wonderful it turned out to be. It is sometimes hard to feel secure in the present in light of the future, because we do not know what that future is. However, I'm sure that these, too, are days that I will miss.

I love memories. I love things that I associate with memories. Objects, heirlooms, songs, places, if I have a memory associated with something, it's hard for me to part with it. I suppose that's normal, but I don't find it to be the case with many people.

Grandma died four months ago today. It's hard to believe that much time has passed since we have seen or spoken to or heard from her. I still miss her and Grandpa so much. I find myself looking at pictures of them and thinking of them a lot. My parents' old video camera got fixed a couple of weeks ago, and I've been able to watch more old videos of them. I love seeing their faces, hearing their voices, their laughs.

I still hold on to them. Their memory can never be taken from me. Even if all those videos were gone, if you took away the things I have from them, I will always remember them. The advice my Grandpa gave, even if unsolicited, and the love my Grandma gave. I don't live in the past memories as I was, but I still think of them. I still love them, and I know that even when I'm 100 I will miss them. The acute pain of their loss is almost gone, being replaced by melancholy yet happy remembrances of them. I know I will see them again someday.

I'm looking forward to Camp Kulaqua a week from today. It's gonna be fun!

One of the things I love about iPhones is that they save voice mail right to your phone. It used to be that you could only keep certain voice mails for a certain amount of time. Then after 30 days, it would be deleted. I'm glad that doesn't happen, because in March I discovered something. I have a voice mail from December 7, 2010. It's from my grandma. She was calling to tell me she was so excited I could make it for my grandpa's service. She talked about how she was at the store, and still had several more errands to run.

December 7 was the day she fell and broke her femur, the day that it all started. But the voice mail was made just a few hours before that. I love it, although it makes me sad as well because it reminds me of how much was changed that day. Here she was, shopping, getting ready to get back to a somewhat normal life as she had spent the vast majority of the past year within the walls of her house caring for my grandpa.

Although I miss her, there are times I'm glad she didn't have to live long without my grandpa. They didn't want to live one without the other, and even in the beginning of March when I was visiting, my grandma would make comments about how things had turned out exactly as she had planned. Sometimes I wonder if even then she knew she wasn't going to live long. She was ok with it. She had told her daughters-in-law just a few weeks before that she had accomplished everything in her life that she had ever wanted to.

I think today I want to get a back massage. I've never had one before, but it seems like a good time because for some reason my back is killing me after work this week. When I woke up today, my whole body was just aching and it was so hard to force myself to get out of bed to even make my coffee. I wonder if regular jobs take such a toll on your body. I know my job is physically demanding, but sometimes it is the mental stress as well that takes that kind of toll.

Do most women wake up in their early 20s and realize they've aged, or am I just aging prematurely? I have recently been looking at pictures of myself from early college, and while I thought I hadn't really changed much, I have. I look a lot older. You know, those stupid little crows feet around the eyes, bags under the eyes, etc. I guess it's pretty normal. If I look this bad in my 20s, I'd better get married soon or it'll never happen. Kidding... well, a little.

No Orlando trip today. Oh, well. I was really hoping that with six days off I could at least make them a little more fun than my normal days off. Looks like I'll be hanging around the ol' town house. Which is ok.

Amanda Amanda Amanda!!

From a little 2-headed monster...

To 2 good friends into adulthood!

Ok, so this is an old picture... circa 2007 at her rehearsal dinner.

This is me and Amanda. I've known her since I was five years old. She came over one day with another neighborhood friend to play with us, and she was almost immediately one of the family- the fifth daughter.

We have always hung out off and on again, but especially rekindled our friendship in 2005 the summer after I graduated high school. She was in between semesters in nursing school, and so we spent a great part of that summer together hanging out. I remember we watched the movie Mary Poppins a lot! Now whenever I watch it, I'm often nostalgic for those carefree summer days we shared.

She is now married with a little girl, but we still find time to hang out about once a week. We call it our weekly Tuesday night hang-out time. I go to her house, where we may watch TV or a movie, talk, take Emily for a walk, and eat dinner. It's become something I really look forward to each week. Amanda is a good friend. She has even hung out with me when I've been nothing but a stick in the mud through the last couple of months. At a time of grief for my grandparents, as well as losing a strong friendship that was once a constant in my life, she has been such a good friend to me.

So, thanks, Amanda! Friends for 18 years (almost 19?)... so here's to 80 more!

One of the neatest finds at my grandparents', probably after her wedding dress and veil, was this little hat box tucked in the corner of a shelf, long forgotten. When I opened it up, I caught my breath. I don't even know when my grandmother would have bought this, but I don't think women have worn hats like this since at least the '50s or '60s, am I right?


I'm 99% sure it's real fur, though I don't know what kind. It is still very soft, and I would think that if it were fake it wouldn't have retained that. I don't even care though, I just think it is so cute and reminds me of how classy my grandmother always was. I love that it still has hair pins attached to it, which is how she would have kept it just so on her head. I can't even figure out how it would have been worn, either. Women typically had the more cropped haircuts in those days, so it was probably worn back more on the crown of the head. I love it because it reminds me of I Love Lucy.

That little hat box on my dresser is, to me, a picture of simpler times. Or at least seemingly simpler. I have recently begun reading Laura Bush's book, Spoken from the Heart. I don't care what side of the aisle you are on, it is an excellent read and is not political. She speaks of her childhood, which was very simple in the post-war days. I suppose that because of my grandparents' deaths, I'm finding myself regretting that I didn't ask more questions about the Depression, World War II, and the years after. I've developed a renewed fascination with those years.

Life was blissful for many after the war, I'm finding out. Marriages and families could finally begin for so many. I believe the reason my grandparents' love was as strong as it was can partially be attributed to their four-year wait for marriage during the war, writing letters back and forth all that time. And although I'm sure not all stories turned out so happily, I think that it was that way for many. I think when people returned to "normal" life after the war, they lived very privately, closely-knit with their own family and friends. The simple American life that people now often make fun of in the '40s and '50s with the nuclear family. But I honestly believe that it truly was that way for a time.

Ah, well, here I go, dwelling on the past, and all because of a hat. I go back to work tomorrow for the first time since coming back. I'm not especially looking forward to it. Why does it seem that no matter how good or long of a break I get, I'm never ready to go back?

Do you ever find yourself constantly longing for the past...
At the same time, anxious for the future, for "life" to truly begin?

I have spent the majority of probably the last six years, stuck in this paradoxical mindset.

In longing for the past, I failed to simply find contentment and thankfulness that I was given such wonderful memories, whether they be that with my family, with friends, or at church. I resisted (and still do resist) change, usually to find out in the end that I liked it (usually when another change came along to replace the old one). I can remember when my Aunt Georgia was very sick, I spent a lot of time wishing for us to have the more vibrant, healthy Aunt Georgia back with us. Instead of being grateful that we had Aunt Georgia with us. The same could be said about my grandfather, although I think I had a strong sense of knowing from a very young age that each moment with him was precious--he was just that kind of guy.

Whenever I looked too far into the future and wished it were here now, I never realized what I was wishing away: time you can't get back. Time with people who grow old, a carefree youth that you only get once, and so much more came with that time that I wished away. Do I rush through the moments with my own parents, completely unaware that they will not be here forever? Thirty or forty years isn't such a very long time, or at least it will go very quickly. Sometimes I do wish there were a way to turn back time, to recapture such beautiful moments that you can never get back, when instead I fail to look for the beautiful moments now.

And yet here I sit: lost in memories of things that once were, but also longing for a happier, more secure future. Why can I never seem to find contentment in my life where I am? I have my parents, my sisters and my brother, I still have two wonderful grandparents on my mom's side, and many wonderful aunts and uncles and cousins. I have a job, as much as I am stressed out of my mind by it, that pays the bills and lets me spend a little, I'm independent and self-sufficient financially. It occurred to me the other day, as I felt very sorry for myself, that perhaps there will come a time that I look back on this and say, "Those were the days."

I'm going to make an effort to find the beauty in life in the now. Even in the moments that I feel angry, or that I don't have a good life. This week, I had a lot of special time with my little brother which included a fun trip to the zoo one day, and a trip to the St. Augustine fort another day. I have another day and a half off before I have to go back to work. Let's see how awesome it can be!

I flew back in with my little brother yesterday. My parents are on their way right now with a truck load of furniture and other odds and ends from my grandparents' house.

It was a wonderful five days. When we flew in very late Thursday night, Air Tran misplaced our luggage and we weren't able to get it until Friday afternoon. Melissa, John, and I went to the St. Louis Arch that day. We got to join my Uncle Philip and his family for a fish fry, which was fun. I haven't ever been to one of those (I don't live in a highly Catholic area).

Saturday's memorial service was beautiful. People had so many wonderful things to share about my Grandma. She wasn't just special to her family, but to her community. That was wonderful to see. A lot of reality about both of my grandparents set in on this trip. Although it has come and gone in waves, it really hit me Tuesday night as I stood over my grandpa's old work bench in the basement, where he used to work on various carpentry and projects. Although he hasn't worked there in at least five years or so, and it has been picked through by various family members since then, it still looks as though he just stopped working on it yesterday. A wrench hanging on the nail here, spilled paint on the counter top there. I really cried as I stood there and realized how much has changed, how much is going to change. I miss them both so much, and I want them here with us.

Today's plans are a possible trip to the zoo. We are watching Voyage of the Dawn Treader for probably the fifth time in the last five days. Time to get back to life, to the swing of things.

I haven't talked much about my trip up north. I suppose I will now.

I got up there the 1st, and I guess I did write some about it while I was there. Melissa works a late shift, often not getting home until about 1 am. So we would stay up until 3 or 4 each night, watching movies or tv shows or SNL digital shorts on the computer. Each day while she was at work, I would go to visit my Grandma in the hospital, which was such a sweet time. We would just talk, sit quietly, watch tv, or take naps. Nothing special, really, but it was special because it was with Grandma. I really thought she was getting better at that time. Looking back, I don't know if it really seemed like she was, or if I was just blinded to the reality of it all.

On Saturday the 5th, a whole bunch of the family helped move some of Grandma's furniture from her house to the assisted living facility where she was to be moving the following Monday. That was a fun time with family, and the next day Grandma gave us money to go to Applebee's for lunch because she wanted us all to have that time together. It was a good time together, just talking, laughing, reminiscing, looking to the future, that kind of thing. Would we have wanted to know what was coming, to be prepared? I don't think so, but it is a bittersweet thing to look back on that time: such joy and happiness and reunion followed by sadness and good-byes.

Melissa and I talk about how that first week seems like an eternity ago, like another lifetime.

Monday Melissa and I took a drive up to see my other grandparents for the day, which was awesome. On the way over we did get a worried phone call from our Aunt Marietta, who had picked Grandma up from the hospital and said things didn't look like they were going well. It was on our drive home that night we found out she was re-admitted through the ER, non-responsive, and we were told that "this is it."

This is it. Those words hold a lot of tragedy and weight in this situation... it being the end. It being good bye, even if only for a little while. It being the end of an era in our family. It being the possible beginning to a new era, which has yet to be determined. It being no more Grandma and Grandpa in our lives. It being the task of letting go... which I have come to find the hardest part of grief.

Letting go of Christmases I once knew... walks in the neighborhood with Grandma and Grandpa... trips to the lighthouse, or Okefenokee Swamp, or Kingsley Plantation... peaches from across the river... walks back and forth down the street between cousins' and grandparents'... so, so many more memories. Yet, those things were already gone. I knew we were never going to have them back, but it seems that with Grandma and Grandpa being gone, there is a true end to it all. And I feel like if I let go, with that it's gone. I have to move on, and I don't want to move on. I would rather be sad and remember, than happy and forget. And I know we aren't supposed to forget, but I also know that I'm too sentimental and it's dangerous for me to get lost in memories.

I feel like I sound really dramatic. I sound like I'm drowning in my sorrows, and I suppose I kind of am. The reality is, I really don't know how to deal with grief at all. How do life and death exist simultaneously? It's as if there's a curtain between them, and at any given moment anyone can slip to the other side with no return. I'm so glad I can rest in the knowledge that these two wonderful people I love are in the presence of Jesus. That is the comfort in all of this. But the part I hate is that we who are left behind miss them so much. We have to go on without them, these wonderful people who have always been there. Life goes on. The world doesn't stop turning, but I feel like I've stopped functioning. I feel as though for three months I've lived like this, and I don't know how to get out of it. I've hardly even hung out with friends, except those I've known longest who let me just sit and cry.

On the upside, I did go and get my oil changed today. And I'm going to get some grocery shopping done here in a little bit, so life has yet to yield some productivity. I'm sad, but I know God is good. It doesn't mean He's going to fix my problems, or somehow give me a magical happy pill. I have to learn to lean on Him and trust Him in all of this... and maybe that is what I have to learn from it. "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." -Psalm 126:5&6 I'm praying that from this I will one day reap with a song of joy...

July 2010

Life will yet again be good. I have to believe I will yet again be happy, though right now I don't see it.

I don't know that other than when my Grandpa died, I've ever truly grieved before. When Grandpa died, we were all very sad. But in a sense, we had been prepared for this for a couple of years as his health had been declining. Since my Grandmother died, I have watched various members of my family, myself included, go through waves of normalcy, devastation, denial, and it seems to cycle through those three states of mind.

I've never understood those who grieve in the past. It sounds awful, but at times I wondered why a person could struggle so hard to go back to normalcy when losing a loved one. However, I'm quickly realizing just how hard it really is. I laid on my bed yesterday in tears, and had to call out of work because I couldn't pull myself together.

I kind of don't care what people think when I tell them my grandparents died and they wonder why I'm in such a state of complete and utter devastation. Draw your own conclusions. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm dramatic, maybe I don't know how to deal with loss, or maybe I am just emotionally unstable. I don't know if this grieving is normal, but it's how I'm grieving. The reality is, we have lost a wonderful Grandmother and friend, and one who we thought we would have for a long time yet.

We were reading one of my Grandmother's diaries from 1942 yesterday. It was very sweet, but in reading it I realized how much alike she and I are, and I never realized that before. She was easily anxious, emotional, and shy. As I read entries she wrote as a 19 year old girl, I realized that life hasn't always been easy for her, nor has it for my Grandpa. Life threw a lot of curve balls at them, they experienced losses greater than I can yet imagine. I don't suppose you develop the strength of character they did without experiencing struggles in life.

I remember when 2011 began, saying to myself that this year had to be better. Obviously it hasn't been so far, but I'm realizing something. I can't measure life by its tragedies and joys. Sure, one year may seem better than another, but life isn't about protecting yourself from heartache, and at the end of the year coming out in the clear. I don't know, maybe I'm completely off in this. If I hadn't loved so fiercely, this wouldn't have hurt so much. So maybe the point is to just enjoy the time you have with loved ones because you never know when your last moments may be. And don't be afraid to love. Those hours I spent sitting in the hospital room, while my Grandma was still seemingly well that first week, were so precious. I can't even believe God gave that to me-- what a gift!

Well, again, it's time for me to close or I'll just end up writing a book on here. Forgive me for my ramblings, but it has been therapeutic for me to talk about my dear Grandparents.

Seeing my dear Grandma in those last days was difficult. I've had to remind myself of the Grandma from 15 years ago, or even just last summer. The Grandma full of life and energy.

To know this woman was to love her. She was simply amazing. She had a heart full of love for everyone she knew, even to the end. She never put herself first, not once (even in the hospital bed, hardly able to breathe, she still had concern for everyone but herself). She lived to serve and love others before herself. She had a laugh that was infectious.

We found letters between her and my Grandpa from the war. As I read some of them (there are hundreds), I can see even then how loving and selfless she was. She was my age when she married my Grandpa. He always only had good things to say about her. We found a Valentine note in their room that he wrote to her in 2002, so beautiful and loving and tender. After all those years, they were still in love with each other.

My heart hurts and it will for a long time. There is a huge void where those good people once were.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." -Psalm 126:5&6

I realize that losing one's grandparents isn't the most devastating event that can occur. Death in old age is a very normal part of life. However, losing my grandparents has been like losing two very wonderful friends. They were two of my biggest encouragers, they rooted for me in all that I did. They were my pen pals throughout most of my life. They taught me to love, to see the best in people. From my Grandpa I learned the value of hard work and education and finding the good in any situation, no matter how difficult. From my Grandma I learned the value of being a woman of virtue, one who saw the best in every person, one whose family could do nothing but sing her praises. Has anyone ever had a bad word to say about my Grandmother? I don't think so. You would be hard pressed to find any one person that could have ever had anything negative to say about her.

I miss them. Plain and simple, I want them here with us on earth. I know they are in heaven, reunited, happy and whole with Jesus. I don't really know exactly what heaven will be like... but my aunt said she thinks of the verse how no eye has seen nor ear has heard nor mind can understand all that the Lord has prepared for those who love Him. (I realize I haven't quoted it quite perfectly...) And she believes this speaks of heaven, how we can't even begin to imagine how wonderful it will be. I think of all the best things I've had in life, and even that can't compare to how heaven will be. Will we know each other, will I be able to hug my Grandma and Grandpa and tell them how much I missed them? Will I remember how much I missed their absence on this earth? I don't know. The joy will be so overwhelming...

Right now it is my hope of heaven that keeps me going. I will see them again. As my Grandma laid on her death bed in those last hours, I looked at her and realized something amazing. For her, life was really only beginning. It wasn't the end, really. No, this was where it all was beginning for her. I wonder what her reunion in heaven was like? Did Aunt Georgia and Great Grandpa run to meet her? Aunt Georgia probably exclaimed how "loverly" it was to finally see her again. Was Grandpa taking one of his daily walks, and asking her to join him? Are they walking hand-in-hand right now? I don't know. I do know that she received a "Well done, good and faithful servant" from Jesus.

I need to stop writing now, because I'm sure I could ramble on and on for hours about my dear grandparents. I will be happy again, I must believe that. Life has yet to bring more joys and sorrows, and I have to carry on. Another look through my childhood scrap book today, and I found a note from Grandpa that I seemed to have missed in December:

"Your letter just now arrived when I was on the internet. I want you to have a good day. I know you miss us and we miss you, but we have to take life as it comes to us and enjoy it. You do have a good life in Florida. Say hello to everyone for me. Keep writing. Keep your letters coming. Keep the faith. Love, Grandpa."

gIt is with much grief and a heavy heart that I write this. My dear, dear Grandma passed away on Friday at 10:12 am, surrounded by family she loved. It all happened so fast. Long story short, she was doing well and early Monday morning she had difficulty breathing. Somehow she was still discharged to an assisted living facility, where she quickly took a turn for the worst and ended up back in the ER. Tuesday morning she shared that she wanted everybody to come and see her, because she knew the end was near-- as did all of us.

Thus ensued one of the most beautiful and yet one of the most painful three days I have ever experienced. My family flew in late that night, as well as various other cousins who have moved around the country. She talked about her impending death, telling us she wasn't "in the least bit frightful." We read Scripture to her, we sang hymns around her bed. Everyone made it in time to see her. She held on more than two days to see those who could not make it right away. We all loved her so much. The image of her three sons, my dad and his brothers, sitting around her bed as she was ushered into eternity is one I will never forget as long as I live.

My heart feels empty. Grandpa's death was extremely difficult, but Grandma's was just a terrible finality to it all. They are gone. Their house sits empty, a skeleton of the memories we once made there. She went so, so quickly and unexpectedly. None of us knew this was coming. We all thought she would make it through this. Grandma was always the healthy one. She was not supposed to go like this.

And so, after almost two weeks--the first being one of happiness and reunion-- I am home. Life will go on, and I hope my heart will heal. I don't see how, but I pray it will.