2010... to 2011

Goodbye, 2010. Can't say I'm even a little sad to see you go...

2011... sad to say, I have no expectations for you. Except that you might be better.

Regardless, I know I'm blessed, I know I'm loved, and I know I'm redeemed. Most of all I know God is good.

Don't people take the time on New Years Eve to reflect upon the last year, the significance of it? When I look back on 2010, there honestly isn't much that stands out about it for me. I continued on in my work as a nurse... have now been there for over a year. Traveling was pretty good- went to Cleveland, Ohio, for the first time in February to visit Lindsey. Of course, Washington, DC in October. I had a great trip in July to Illinois to visit my family, which I am so thankful for since it was the last time I saw my grandpa. Of course, the freshest memory of 2010 that I have is my grandpa's death-- and that may be why 2010 leaves such a bitter taste for me.

Perhaps 2011 will be better. Or perhaps it will be worse. I have no control right now over how it will go, but I can trust God and do what I'm supposed to do.

Happy New Year!

fI flew up here on Tuesday and made it just in the nick of time for my grandpa's memorial service. It was a beautiful service. All of his grandchildren made it there, and it was the first time in at least three years that all of us were together at once. I sure wish it were under different circumstances, but we are still thankful for the time we have together.

My grandma comes home from the hospital tomorrow. She is much improved, and we are so glad. She is so strong. She was able to go to the service on Tuesday, which was great.

I do miss Grandpa. Although I am glad he is no longer suffering. Thinking back on this summer in July when I last saw him, I am realizing now that it is good he did not have to live for years like that. He hated being in the condition he was in, and though I still think in the end he wished for more years to live a healthy life, he would not have wanted to continue on in his condition. It was an unfortunate reality that he was not going to get well. I always imagined my grandpa would live to be 100 years old, like one of those people who goes about their normal daily comings and goings, and die in their sleep. We must learn to carry on without him, and that's what he would want. Without sounding too new-agy, it is the cycle of life. He had to carry on after his own grandparents and parents went before him, and now it's our turn to begin doing the same.

We do have some Christmas Day plans. We will still be celebrating as usual all together. We even may have some snow! I just hope that if it does snow, it'll stick for a couple days at least.

If I'm not back before then, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Townhouse

Don't mind the mess please. Here is the living room.

A blurry picture of the living room.

The dining area

The kitchen

So I have lived here for over two months and not shared any photos of the townhouse yet. Unfortunately my room is still unfurnished and messy (still haven't unpacked from DC yet...) but hopefully soon I will have that taken care of. So, this is where I live.

I will be leaving in a few days for my grandpa's memorial service. I know that the reality of his being gone will really hit me then. I have sort of gotten past some of the initial pain of it, but there is still an aching that remains. I can't wait to be with family, to talk about Grandpa with all of them, reminisce, hear stories. And to see my grandma. She is still in the hospital and may not be out in time. But I want her to be there as long as she needs to be, and get better!! We still need you, Grandma!

Yesterday was one of the oddest days of work. I come in to a DNR right at death's door, and she died at 9 am. First time I've had to deal with a dead patient, and let me tell you it wasn't fun. I had to tag the toe, put her in the body bag (thankfully not alone, I had a tech-- although I was alone for some of it) and take her to the morgue. It was just... weird. I was scared to be alone in the room with her body. I felt like she was going to jump up and shriek at me or something. And just a few other odd things I have never had to deal with at work. Maybe I'll talk about them another time, but right now I am still processing everything that happened yesterday. It was all just weird, sad, and emotionally (and psychologically, quite honestly) draining. Blah, add to the list that when your nurse isn't super woman (or man), and not always smiling cheerfully, please be kind!

I will say, this week I feel like I made a real difference as a nurse. Not just in comfort of family, but I feel that I intervened on nearly a critical care level for one of my patients Thursday, entirely going by my own instinct that something wasn't right and following through. Although I suppose a heart rate in the 150s all night unaddressed by the previous shift was my first inkling... haha. When I move to night shift, I hope I don't become the nurse that sits on crap like that, not intervening like a real nurse should.

This has probably been one of the toughest couple weeks of work, but I come out of this past week feeling like it was at least worth it this time. Maybe a daughter has more time with her mother, or someone else felt like someone really cared for them in their dying hour... I don't know, I just want to hope I made a real difference. I'm tired of some of the crap I deal with at work with people who manipulate the system and you do everything you can, and still they are angry and bitter and hateful.

One thing I am hoping to see this week: SNOW! I did see it in February in Cleveland, which was awesome, but I REALLY want a white Christmas!

I got Epic Mickey on Wii from my parents for Christmas. That's what I'm going to do today!

Sometimes His voice comes calling
Like rolling thunder, like driving rain.
Sometimes His voice is quiet and we start to wonder
if He knows our pain.
He who spoke peace to the water
Cares more for our hearts than the waves.
And the voice that once said, "You're forgiven"
Still says, "You're forgiven today."

Good old Steven Curtis Chapman! This has spoken to me today. Today I have immersed myself in truth. I cannot always see it, and when that happens, I have to preach it to myself even when I can't believe it. I need to do that every day, all the time, not just when I think I need it. Because I always need it. I get to this point because I refuse to preach the Gospel to myself daily.

I am reading and praying through Psalms today. Thank you Jesus for giving me your Word.

Been feeling beaten down in every aspect of my life lately. I have a hard time realizing that I will never be enough. You know what I figured out recently? I will never love Jesus enough. I will never be perfect enough. I will never even be good enough, or just enough in general. I think I have always expected to find myself having reached some level of holiness, only to find that I never will. Simply put, Jesus is enough and that is enough.

It is WINDY outside tonight! Very eery. I don't like it.

Has anyone else seen the previews for Epic Mickey on Wii? Looks awesome! I am going to have to get one and see for myself.

I still have my Christmas shopping to do. Is it Christmas? I think I forgot to change my calendar or something and it's still November. I have never had any problem getting into the Christmas spirit. This year I don't even want to. It isn't bitterness or stress, I am just sad and weary. Life is changing... and I don't think I like it. I don't find joy in anything right now. When I'm with people, outwardly I smile, but on the inside I feel empty and dry. Ick. I don't like it.

Work is still not good. I feel like I make no difference whatsoever at that place. I need prayer when I walk through those doors. 0700 and it is nonstop until 1900 or even later. I can't do it. Emotionally I feel as though I can't handle it. People are hurting, lonely, sick.... and I cannot be all of those things to them. Not to six people. I don't know why I chose to do this. I am bringing the stress home with me, I can't turn my mind off after I get home. I think about what I did and didn't do. Seriously, all I ever wanted to be was a stay-at-home mom... not this! I can't do this for the rest of my life.

Shake it off Nat. I am tired. I think tonight, I am going to put on a movie and go to bed. Good night.

There has been a strange peace in the last couple of days. Although my emotions are still running high, God has been giving me a peace in my heart.

My grandmother fell two nights ago and broke her femur. She is scheduled to have surgery, and the doctor thinks that her recovery will not be too bad. I feel terribly for her though. I spoke with her this morning and she is such a strong woman. We are praying her recovery will be fast. I believe it will.

Work.... is terrible lately. I had to call out today, because I was at work until 9 last night and woke up with a headache and knew that I would NOT be able to make it today and not have something bad happen. Why? Well, I was barely a good nurse yesterday. Take a medication error (don't want to talk about it except that my patient was ok, but I felt like a terrible nurse and still do), a DNR patient that is going down and I can't call in support team but still have to intervene, calling doctor after doctor, because DNR means do-not-rescuscitate (not do-not-treat), another very sick patient, a needy patient, a demanding patient, and one very sweet patient who was so patient with me.... yes, it was a day. On top of all that, there is so much on my mind outside of work.

I feel completely incapable of this job. Like, I don't know how long I can do this. Don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but I am switching to nights in January. We will see how that goes. I am trying to get away from completely overwhelming, want-to-shoot-myself kind of stress (not really, but you know what I mean!). My hair will be gray by 30 at this rate. Please, if you are ever hospitalized, or your family is, have mercy on your nurse. You don't always know what is going on behind the scenes. I'm not saying that there aren't nurses who are lazy or don't care, but 95% of the time if your nurse does not come the instant the call light is hit, he or she is probably taking care of another patient who is very, very sick-- in the same way you would want him or her to take care of your mother or father in that situation. A nurse can only be in one place at one time. Yet the expectations of Super Man are put on us. Save lives, while satisfying all of your other patients' nit-picky needs like fresh water in a pitcher or meds being given at precisely 0900 (do they realize that all 6 of my patients' meds are due at 0900???). I know I signed up for this job, and don't want anyone pitying me for it, but sometimes the stress is really too much.

Well, that was quite a rant. I am thankful for a job, it is really hard but I know that there are people who would love to have a job like mine, even with its stress. I need to be more thankful. I just need an outlet, I suppose.

Well, on to the week. Things I am thankful for today: My boss gave me a couple of bereavement days to be able to go to my grandpa's memorial service. I am SO thankful for that right now. And my amazing family. I would be where I am or who I am today without any of them.

Grandpa

Grief is a weird thing. I know it sounds odd, but I kind of feel like the last few days I've been living outside of myself. People coming and hugging me and my family, telling us how sorry they are... it all just seems surreal. I still feel like when we go up in a couple of weeks, Grandpa will still be sitting in the den, waiting for us to come give him a hug. It still doesn't seem real, but there is still a sadness in my heart all the time. Life goes on, and of course it must because that's what Grandpa would want.

And I suppose people might be thinking, ok it's your grandpa. Grandparents pass away, it happens. But my grandpa was special because he had real relationships with each one of his grandchildren- he knew us and we knew him. He was not just a grandpa who bought us presents at Christmas and birthdays. In fact, he didn't spoil us with lots of things, instead he spoiled us with love. All of us are devastated by his passing. It is going to take awhile for me to get beyond this grief, and I don't think any one of us will ever forget him and the legacy he left us. A legacy of love, generosity, faith, family, and I could go on. He spent 64 years of his life married to my grandma. What a legacy that is right there. God has put a special blessing on my grandpa, and I feel blessed that I can be apart of that blessing. I hope I can be half of the person that Grandpa was.

It is just really hard to accept. I think I'm still in the acceptance phase of it all, because I still don't think I believe Grandpa is gone from this world. Living far away probably contributes to that, because I wasn't there to see his health decline. However, this past summer when I saw him, I was devastated by how much he had aged and felt that our time left with him was short. I didn't realize just how short it was going to be, of course.

We are still going up for Christmas. I think Grandpa would like that, knowing we are still going to celebrate and be a family without him here. Because he worked to build a family who loved each other. It will honor his memory that our family will continue to stick together over the years. That we are friends with our cousins, that we know and love our aunts and uncles. Grandpa loved nothing in this world above his family. How could I be so blessed to call him Grandpa? I wish I had realized what a blessing it was while he was alive, but I will go on to tell my children and grandchildren about him. He has taught me many lessons in life.

Grandpa

There are no words to express the grief that is in my heart today as I write this. My dear PawPaw Bear passed away last night around 8 pm Central Time.

I spent yesterday with my parents and 2 of my siblings, talking, crying, laughing over all the memories of Grandpa. Although he was not awake yesterday, I was able to say a few words to him on the phone. I am so thankful. I don't know if he heard or not, but I know that he knows how much I love him. After I went home last night for a few hours, my mom called at 9:05 to tell me Grandpa had just passed away. I immediately came home so I wouldn't be alone. And there was such a quiet as I walked into my parents' house in the dark, with the leaves rustling in the wind, the Christmas lights still shining, even though my heart did not feel like shining.

Grandpa, I sure will miss you. I found a note that Grandpa left for me in 1997 when they left our house for theirs in Illinois: "Goodbye for awhile. Don't take any wooden nickels. You are still my sweetie from Tahiti, tweety tweety. Love, Paw Paw." Grandpa knew how much it always broke my heart to say goodbye to him and Grandma. And even though that goodbye was only for a few months many years ago, it has special significance for me today. It is goodbye for only awhile, for sure. Grandpa, I know I will see you again. I wish I could have seen you one last time, hugged you one last time.

He was a great, GREAT man. One of the best for sure. He has done so much in his life. He loved above and beyond. My heart aches for the emptiness that is left behind. However, I feel a strange sense of relief that I didn't know would be there when he died. Grandpa does not feel pain anymore. Thank you, JESUS! He did not suffer for very long at all. Grandpa lived 93 years of relatively good health. That is the blessing in it all. He never had to move out of the home that he loved.

Grandpa, I miss you and love you so much. Goodbye for awhile.

Grandpa

My dear, dear Grandpa is sick. We are going to lose him soon. It is devastating. He is 93 years old, has lived a long and full life, but I sure will miss him. I am so thankful I was able to see him this past summer when we went to Illinois. Together, even if only for a short time. I have cried and cried and I know I will still cry more.

Grandpa knows Jesus. Grandpa is a successful man, because he lived for Jesus Christ first and foremost. He lived through the Depression as a young man. He put himself through school, finally getting his Ed.D. He was a good husband and father and raised three boys who went on to become good husbands, fathers, and now grandfathers. He is a wonderful grandpa to all of his grandchildren. Grandpa loved a good corny joke. He called me his sweetie from Tahiti, and I always thought it was so silly, and now I wish I could hear him call me that one more time. I wish I could hug him right now. He is such a good man and I will miss him so, so much. My heart hurts.

There is sweetness in this bitterness, and it is that I know I will see him again. In heaven, happy and whole again with Jesus. Christmas is sad this year, but the truth of Christ still shines brightly through it all. I am still redeemed, and so is my grandpa and so I know we will be re-united someday. It is goodbye, but only for awhile.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"
-Revelation 21: 4-51

Can't wait.

still be my vision...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, LORD
Thou my great Father, I Thy true daughter
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty gain
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won!
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Son
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

I'm not a fan of posting lyrics to music, but today, this is in my heart. I will be able to write more later. For now, Jesus please give me strength.