Random Musings

Day shift life.  I have to say, it suits me well.  I have pretty much transitioned completely.  I'm happy to say I no longer need to take anything to help me sleep!  Which is a huge victory for me after struggles with insomnia for almost two years.  Since I've been off the sleeping meds, I've noticed my energy levels are much better during the day than they were before.  Yay!

As for an update compared to my last post, I'm doing better than I was then.  Not that I'm past it, but some days are simply better than others.  Taking a break from running was great for my mental health in some ways, but I think when your body is used to those endorphins, it's hard to not have that when they're gone.

Unfortunately this week my right achilles has decided to flare up for no good reason.  Well, maybe training for a marathon is a good reason, but it is extremely frustrating as I now feel I am at a standstill with my training.  I'm currently debating whether or not a long run is even in the books for me tomorrow, which absolutely kills me.  I'm five weeks out from my marathon, and at this point if I'm having to opt out of long runs I'm just not sure this is something that I should continue pursuing for now.  I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.  If the best decision for my body is to take a break--a real, prolonged break-- then I need to swallow my pride and do what is best for my long-term fitness.

There's part of me that feels if I can just push through the next couple weeks, which are the peak of my training, and make it to tapering, then I can worry about this issue after.  I pushed through my left achilles issue for a month during my half IM training, and although I didn't see many gains in my speed during that time, I still was able to finish my race strong.  Do I do that this time around?  I don't know.

This is probably sounding like the silliest problem one can have, but I'm torn because I have trained for 9 weeks since my triathlon, and so to just STOP is really hard.  I'm SO close and have worked so hard.  And so I don't know what I should do.

In other news, on Sunday night I went and watched the Ironman Coeur d'Alene finish line for a couple of hours.  Inspiring!  Seeing the emotion on athletes' faces as they approached the finish line was incredible.  I could relate to it on a small level from my half Ironman.  As I watched them finish, I felt inspired that maybe someday I will do a full Ironman myself.  I don't know when, but I know I want to do one now.  (I know... I know.  I said I would never do it.)

I'm thinking about 2017 and what I want to do as far as races go.  After doing Spartan a few weeks back with friends, I've been asked by them to do a Trifecta next year (do all 3 Spartan races in a calendar year).  And honestly, I don't know what I want to do.  I feel like there are too many options! Do I want to race triathlons?  Marathons?  Half marathons?  Spartan races?

Or do I want to just take 2017 to enjoy life with people.  Go on spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with friends.  Make last-minute travel plans.  Explore more of the PNW as I haven't gotten to do much of this year.  Go on hikes, go camping, backpacking.  Take care of myself.  Work on my relationship with food and my body image.  When I'm "in training" those things are less possible.  They take a back seat to a training regimen.

There's plenty of time to decide of course, but these are all things I am thinking about right now.  On top of that, I'm starting to see my time here in Spokane becoming more limited as I'm not sure what the next step in my life is going to be.

I've been struggling lately.

I had a moment last night that really threw me into sadness I can't seem to climb out of, even this morning.  I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook last night and came upon a video that was "liked" by one of my friends.  It was a wedding reception, where a groom and his groomsmen put on a choreographed dance for the bride.  I'm a sucker for these kinds of things, so naturally I watched it.

As I watched it, I suddenly became overcome with sadness.  Yes, sadness for myself and for what I don't have. I get it, it's silly to let something so simple have such control over my emotions.  But to be honest, I have been having a really hard time with being single for the past few months.  A hard time with a lot of things, to be honest.

I'm depressed, and I don't even have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  I've fallen back into old habits of disordered eating, struggling with my self-worth and body image, and simply hoping that these things will just go away on their own rather than actually doing something about them.  I feel stuck.  This week I have taken a complete break from running because between that and my disordered eating, I have not been taking care of my body.  I needed the mental break.  And I feel like a complete failure for this, after all the training and all I have accomplished in my fitness.

I am discouraged and sad about being single, and feeling like I will never meet a man who will love me with all of my flaws, struggles, and awkwardness, along with all the wonderful things I know I have to offer in a relationship.  I dated a guy long-distance for a couple months this past spring.  We hit it off really well on our first conversation.  Had so much in common.  Skyped pretty often, and finally got to spend a weekend together at the beginning of June.  And I think he met me and was completely disappointed and not interested at all anymore.  While I thought we got along well and had fun, I could tell that he simply wasn't feeling it.  I pretty much was ghosted after that weekend.

And honestly, ever since then I have just been so discouraged and sad.