The Past Year

It's hard to believe that here we are looking at the end of 2014.  What a year.

I've been thinking a lot about how much I've been through, how many places I've gone in the last year.  Castro Valley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Carmel, seeing the Pacific ocean for the first time, two cross-country drives, plus a scenic drive from California to Washington State.  Spokane, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, Nelson, Kalispell, Williston, Osh Kosh... and I think I'm even missing a few.  Not to mention Hawaii.  I marked many states and cities off the bucket list this year.  And in the past 10 months I've fallen in love with this part of the country.

I've grown and been out of my comfort zone.  Travel nursing was one of the hardest, most awesome things I decided to do.  I mean I was a girl from suburban northeast Florida... never moved far away from family, never ventured out of my comfort zone in my career or personal life.  Life had very much been even keel, boring, comfortable for a long time.  I had reached a point where I felt something had to change, or I was never going to grow.

Bela and I were talking last night about the past year.  As we were listing off the things we've done,  we both just kind of stopped, not realizing just how many places we've been able to go in such a short time.  And I feel really blessed that I've been in a position to be able to do those things.

It's been an adventure for sure!  But not the day-to-day aspect of it.  There have certainly been some hard, lonely times in that year.  California was three solid months of feeling very lonely.  And that same feeling has popped up now and again here in Spokane.  There's no family nearby.  My oldest friends, the people who know me best, are back home.  My mom and dad and all my sisters and brother are on the other side of the country.  I'm facing round two of a holidays across the country away from them.  I've learned that seasonal affective disorder is, in fact, real (not that I never believed it).  Anxieties and worries have weighed me down at times.  Work has been hard, stressful, and very discouraging a lot of the time.  And I'm not looking for a bit of sympathy here, just saying that it's not always been a fun and exciting adventure.  It's easy to portray that it's always fun through facebook and instagram and even my blog.  But it's been awesome, I've grown, and I can say I've become a better person, grown more into myself.  And I've met and made some amazing friends out here too.  I'm reaching the end of 2014 with no regrets... and that's not something I've really been able to say in a long time.

I recently started practicing yoga.  I have wanted to be a yogi for quite some time now, but until recently I didn't have the time, nor did I feel settled enough to join a yoga studio.

I took my first class about a month and a half ago, and due to my foot injury flaring up again, I had to step back from it so it could heal.  Yes, yoga is intense enough that you can't just work through injuries.    Maybe something I failed to realize before.  Anyway, I picked it back up this week... and I'm officially hooked.  I love it!

I think what I love the most in regards to yoga is that it teaches you to practice and show yourself and your body compassion... to push it where it needs to be pushed, and to allow it to go only so far as it can at that time.  And while yoga certainly isn't all about cardio and calorie-burning, it sure as hell is difficult and requires patience, willpower, strength, and balance.  It's NOT as easy as it looks!

Already in such a short time I am seeing the benefits of yoga.  And the focus isn't even on the aesthetics of it... it's how my body feels.  How I feel in my body.  That I can challenge it, but I can also be compassionate toward it when I need to.  It is already teaching me to listen to my body.  So much of today's exercise world seems to be all about pushing yourself to the limit and then some.  And to a point, I think that's good.

But I'm just coming off of almost four months of recovery from an injury.  An injury that threw me into a forced sedentary lifestyle, which made me depressed, eat more, and gain weight.  My self-esteem took a real hit.  I really had to hone in on those things, address them, work on my food issues...and quite honestly feel I have come out of this injury a better person.  I learned a lot from it.  Most of all I learned that I need to start listening to my body.  In regards to exercise, food, rest, work, etc...

Yoga seems as if it fits right in with that mindset.  I'm so thankful for the opportunity to get to learn.  It makes me see how strong my body is.  And that my body can do some pretty awesome things, regardless of what it looks like.

Completely

"For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us.  But we can still love them- we can love completely without complete understanding." -Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it

I watched this movie early this morning during another bout of insomnia.  I was struck by its message, its poignance, its truth.  The movie ended quite abruptly... no loose ends tied, and the message in the end was essentially the above quote.

What's funny, is the above quote is something I have already learned as I've become an adult.  I feel at times that I don't know how to love my family.  I know I don't do it well... I don't know what part of myself to give.  I feel at times what I have to give is never enough.  Not that it's not wanted, but that it's the wrong expression of love.  I'm not exactly the most emotionally expressive person... and the way I show my love never seems like it's right.  And I just feel sorry I can't be better at it.

I've carved out my own place in this world, and while at times I've found there are things I disagree with among my family members (I am not singling out any one of them-- and I'm quite certain that all of my adult siblings would have the same to say), there are differing philosophies, there are hurts, there are periods of silence... yet I can still love completely.  In my own way.  But I know I don't do this well.

I don't want this post to be misinterpreted as any more than exactly what I am saying.  First of all, I respect my family and their privacy.  Though I will always be honest where family is involved, I don't wish to say hurtful things either.  So please don't read any further into this than what has been said.

I just was struck by that message this morning--so much so it brought tears to my eyes-- and when I woke up from my pre-work nap this afternoon it was still with me.  I am asking myself, "How do I love completely?"  And right now, there's no answer.  And maybe it's something I need to figure out... maybe that's what life is about.

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and finally be able to say-- I loved, and I loved well.

Thankful

Thankful.

I should be this way all year round... yet somehow life, worries, stress... those things seem to cloud out all of my blessings.

It's easy to focus on the negative.  It's easy to lose sight of just how blessed and fortunate I am.  To focus on the have-nots instead of the haves.

I have a family who loves me.  I have friends I can count on.  I have a body that is strong and healthy.  I have a job that pays the bills and allows me to also have small luxuries in life.  I have more than enough to eat.  Compared to the majority of the world, I am rich.

And although this year the holidays are proving to be lonely, I still have so much to be thankful for.  And I'm going to focus on those things as best I can.  Sadly, we only seem to take time out during the month of November to really focus on what we have to be grateful for.  And even then... we are immediately weighed down by materialism and commercialism.

I begin this holiday season with a sense of hope, a sense of excitement for what is to come.  With the same sense of adventure I had this time a year ago... but a bit more settled in life, with a better sense of who I am.

I think most of all today I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience the past thirteen months.  To have traveled and lived in a new part of the country.  To see new places, new cities, new cultures, and meet all different kinds of people.  It occurred to me recently how lonely at times this life can be, when you take yourself away from all that is familiar.  The warmth of family and friends who have known you for your entire life.  But I still wouldn't trade this for the growth I have experienced this past year.  I feel I have grown more into who I am... and I know I'm not done yet.

Someday I hope to have that familiar warmth in my life again.  I hope to be able to have the chance for a family of my own... not a life that is perfect, no...but a life that is good and well-lived.  I'm happy for where my life is now, but I feel I am on the launching pad for the next phase...ready for what it brings.  I'm going to enjoy today for what it is... love those who are in my life right now, be grateful for where I am.

Life keeps on keeping on here.  Other than working, and occasionally hanging out with friends, I haven't really had too much of a life since the move out here.  I'm ok with the pace of things at the moment, especially after the last year of almost-nonstop travel, sightseeing, moving, etc.  It is nice to have a settledness about life.  There hasn't been that in quite some time for me, as I've previously mentioned.  Even back home in Florida, I always felt I was supposed to be somewhere else.

Though I feel settled, there's also much that feels up in the air right now.  It's odd how things can be so secure yet so insecure at the same time.  I guess that's how life is.  We think we have a plan, we think we know how things are going to turn out, but it's always waiting to shake things up a bit.  At least it's never boring that way.

It's been fun living in a new part of the country, experiencing the seasons.  Yesterday morning we had our first snow.  Now, I've seen snow many times before.  But that "first snow" of the season, well it's kind of magical.  It started around 5:30 yesterday morning while we were at work.  And our co-workers thought it was hilarious that we could be so excited over something like the first snow, but I think it's going to be something that never ceases to excite me!  Of course I know by March I'm going to be more than ready for warm weather.  I like changing seasons... THAT'S why I chose to move to a place that has all four!

In other news, my foot seems to have finally healed up.  An almost four month ordeal.  I never did get it x-rayed but I'm certain it was broken... or very badly sprained, by how long it has taken to heal.  Forcing myself to rest and not push it with exercise has been a challenge.  In fact, I did get back out there for a bit and paid for it.  So now that I'm sufficiently out of shape and all rested up, I'm looking forward to getting back out there a little more slowly.  Unfortunately, doing it while the weather is freezing up is going to be extra fun.  Good thing I enjoy being out in it!  (No really)

And holy cow, did I forget to mention I got a kitten?!  His name is Mister Allen.  A sweet, fluffy grey tabby kitty.  I've had many people comment that he looks like a Maine Coon, and after a lot of research I think they are right.  Or at least he is a mix.  But one of the oddest cats I've ever had, quite honestly.  The other day I dropped a piece of apple on the ground, and he started eating it.  In fact he wants to eat pretty much everything he can get his paws on.  He drinks tons and tons of water (a characteristic of Maine Coons, I have found out).  And just his personality is so different from any other cat I've had.  Plus-- he's huge!  He's already almost doubled in size since I got him three weeks ago.

So otherwise, there's not really much else to report here.

Grandpa

Veteran's Day is tomorrow, and I can never help but remember my very favorite veteran-- my Grandpa.  Grandpa served overseas during World War II, as many of his generation did.  I've always found one thing very interesting as I've gotten older, and that is that he didn't talk much about the war throughout my childhood.

I learned most of what I know about his experiences through his memoirs, journals, and his letters back home to my Grandma while they were dating.  Like many from that time, they fell in love over the distance.  And I've always believed that their love and appreciation for each other through the years was stronger because of that time.

One of the things that stands out most about Grandpa during that time in the war.  He didn't think much about marriage and family until he was over there.  I remember reading that he knew when he got back from the war, he wanted that life and he wanted it with my grandma.  He loved, valued, and cherished family above all else, and I think he did because he had lived through very uncertain and dangerous times overseas.  Another thing I learned is that before the war my grandpa had lived his entire life thinking he was dumb.  He had struggled to learn as a child, but before going overseas he was tested and when he learned that his IQ was above average, he decided he was going to get as much education when he got home as he could.  And he did.  And he went on to do many great things because of that education, and passed down that importance to his kids and grandkids.

Grandpa was well-known and well-respected in his local community.  He accomplished many things, but I only knew him as Grandpa.  And in the latter years of his life, his journals don't reflect that of his great accomplishments, his career, or his money.  He definitely counted all of that as blessing, but over and over again he reiterated that faith and family were all that mattered.  He considered his three sons, daughters-in-law, and thirteen grandkids to be his greatest blessing above all.  And never once in my 23 years of knowing him did I doubt just how special and important I was to him.  And I can guarantee that no one else in our family doubted it either.

I really miss him.  There are days I still wish I could get a hug from him, or a word of advice, or just hear him say "I love you" one more time and be able to say it back.  But it's days like this that I am thankful for, to be able to take the time to remember a great man.

I think of that passage in the Bible from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..."

It has been ringing in my mind for some time now.  A time to weep and a time to laugh... and as I think of how the past couple of months have gone... how lonely I have felt, how life hasn't quite turned out as I planned.  And it's ok, really it is.  I'm ok.  I don't want to convey that I'm this depressed, miserable mess of a person right now, though I am a little.  I'm definitely the loneliest I've been in a very long time, but I'm ok.  Actually, I'm not entirely ok.  But I know that feeling this way won't last forever, and therefore I know I'll be ok.

And so right now is my time to be alone.  Not cut off from the world, no... but it is one of those times I feel I am going it alone.  Sadness is a lonely thing when no one else can share it with you.  A broken heart is different from other kinds of sad because no one else can feel it with you.  They can sympathize, they can cry with you, let you lay your head on their lap while you cry your eyes out.  But they can't feel what you feel.  They can't feel the aching heaviness that weighs on your heart... and when you're awake in the wee hours of the morning and sleep won't come and all you can do is think through every little thing you could have done differently... well, you're just alone.

I know I'm being incredibly vague here, and possibly melodramatic too... but when you're sad, well there's just no rational logic to it.  And it's ok to feel the way I feel right now.  I was raised to suppress my feelings in order to not burden others, and I will no longer do that.  Writing about it is therapeutic, for sure.

Like I said, I'll be ok.  Life is still very good.  It is still promising.  And right now, I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know where life will take me in the next year.  And there's a sort of excitement buried beneath all of my other feelings right now, because there's still so much promise.

And I have today, and it is good.  Today is good.  The leaves are still vibrantly and beautifully orange and red and yellow, though most of them are now on the ground.  But the last of them hang on the barren branches for dear life before winter will come and blow the rest of them away.  It's beautiful.  And the holidays, though the prospect of them is lonely, are just around the corner.  And I'm ready to take in each day for what it is.

Enough

As I reflect on my life the past year and a half... but most especially the past year...

I see so much growth.  Life has thrown me so many curveballs in that time.  It has been good... hard at times, but mostly good.  I saw a quote the other day that read along these lines, "Something will grow out of this difficult time.  It's you."  And it's true.  So true.

There are many cliches that you could throw at me right now, but the truth is I feel as though I've been punched in the stomach and I won't be recovering anytime soon.  I know that in life I'm where I'm supposed to be... but life hasn't (and most certainly never will) happened as I planned.  You dream and fantasize about things to be as you wish them to be... but at the end of the day you have to face reality.

One thing I know.  I don't depend on others.  Certainly I need relationships and friendships and emotional connections in my life.  God knows that's one thing I've learned.  But I have had an amazing life so far.  Been places I once only dreamed of going.  Accomplished many things, been blessed with the ability to have a good job and to be good at it.  I was recently told that I'm not aggressive enough in life, but as I ponder over the past few years, I see no evidence of that.  My life is where it is because of decisions I have made and actions I have taken to get here.  I've been the places I've been, done the things I've done because of hard work.  While to many it seems as though I spend most of my time traveling and eating out and having fun, honestly it's 80% working my ass off and being completely exhausted.

But in the past few years, I have built a wonderful life for myself.  I've been happier than I ever was before.  I rose out of a difficult time, one that I'm finally able to admit to myself was a good few years of depression (though I didn't know it at the time), got my health under control, began to face issues I have, and took huge leaps in both my personal and professional life.  It's been scary at times, but so worth it.

And I don't really know what I'm trying to get across here.  Just that today, who I am is enough.  Today is hard, but it will get better.  Maybe not tomorrow.  Or next week, or even in a month.  But just like before, I'll wake up one day and find myself on the other side of this.  I have to believe that.

Monday Night Introspection

Interesting the direction life takes you.

Upon unpacking things here, I found a journal I kept in 2011 in the desk I had in storage back in Florida.  I'm actually surprised by how sad I was during those days.  I mean, I remember being sad.  My grandparents, who had been a huge part of my life up until that point, had just died and I had a hard time dealing with it.  I think I was probably depressed--circumstantially so--but didn't realize it.  In one entry I even said I just hoped for life to once again be happy and full.

It's interesting, because that's something I've thought a lot about recently.  How happy and full life has been in this past year and a half.  I once felt like I wouldn't be happy again... and although I do remember feeling that way, it is only a memory now.  I've had to make a lot of changes in many areas of my life.  It took awhile to get there.  I've stretched myself and gone new places, done more (and more!) traveling, met so many new people.  I've stepped far out of my comfort zone many times... something I once never did.  I would definitely not say life has been easy the past year and a half, but it has been good.

Just some thoughts I have tonight.  I'm glad life has taken me where it has.  I've said it before, but this has been a season of life I have truly enjoyed.  I know life has yet to take many twists and turns--and certainly not all of them good--but I am content and thankful in this moment.

Change

Well, it's official.  After what has been a CRAZY week, I have now officially moved to Spokane, Washington!  Bela and I flew to Florida last Monday, and spent the three days organizing, packing, and throwing out stuff in preparation for our drive across country (unfortunately I was only able to see a very few people while there, as there was just too much to do and not enough time).  This wasn't my first time doing a cross-country drive, but it was my first time doing the whole thing one day after another.  When we went to California we had a couple of day-long breaks in St. Louis and Colorado Springs.  This time, we did it in four days straight.

I have to admit, I was really scared about driving a moving truck across country.  Though in this day and age it's a lot safer than it once was with the technology we have, it's still an unnerving task for two women by themselves.  Not to mention we were hearing stories about snow being a possibility this time of year through some of the mountain passes in the north.  But-- thank goodness-- we did NOT deal with that!!  The truck we rented held up... and we had a blast through those four days singing at the top of our lungs, car-dancing, along with many long best-friend-heart-to-heart talks.  Bela has grown to be as close as a sister in the past year and I've been so grateful for her friendship in my life.  Of course I would never tell her that!  Kidding.

So we have moved everything into our apartment.  No internet yet at this time, so I am at Starbucks with a decaf Americano, just giving myself permission to turn my brain off for the night and relax.  I go back to work tomorrow night for a three-in-a-row.  I'll think then but for now, I've kind of reached my stopping point for the day.  Life has been insanely non-stop recently.  And I've loved it, but I'm also ready for  a bit of a break!!

I still can't believe I made this leap.  Yesterday I sat down on the floor of my living room, looked around at all my stuff... stuff that once sat in a little one-bedroom apartment in Jacksonville, FL.  And I realized, I live here now.  No move is ever permanent, but the travel nursing deal was definitely always incredibly temporary.  I definitely knew I was not going to go back to Florida, but there was never any sort of settledness about it.  But this... is different.  And for right now where I'm at in my life... it's what's right.  

Life has been so full and so good the last year and a half.  I've learned things about myself.  I've grown so much.  And there's so much more growing left to do.  So many more ups and downs.  I feel like I'm learning to see life always as first and foremost, an adventure.  I hope I'll never stop seeing it that way.  I hope I'll always tackle life and everything I do with passion.  I hope I don't become jaded because the truth is, it's so damn easy to be that way.  I've been there before... I could definitely be there again.

Anyway, I'm just excited for the future right now!

Insonnia, stress, and victories!

Been dealing with some really frustrating insomnia as of late.  I'm not sure why... there seems to be a heaviness weighing on me the past few days and it won't let up.  I think it's mostly related to the upcoming traveling (I'm going to St. Louis Wednesday, fly back four days later and then after that going to Hawaii for a week) and then immediately after that a huge cross-country move.  I feel like my mind is constantly going a hundred miles an hour, dwelling on everything that needs to be done in the next month instead of just taking things one day at a time.  I go to sleep at night exhausted, but I'm waking up between three and four almost every day, after tossing and turning all night.  Anyway... hopefully it will end soon.

On a more positive note... after being out for an entire month, I've been able to start running again!  Small amounts, but it's running and it feels good and my foot has felt pretty good so far!  I ran a mile on Friday, then a mile and a half yesterday.  I don't think I'll do more than two miles at a time for a couple weeks.  I don't want to overdo it, and find myself back to square one or with an even worse injury.  Even though I'm frustrated (I feel so out of shape, therefore I've gained a little weight, which makes me feel worse... but it's not the end of the world!!!) the worst thing I can do is push myself too hard.

And that's another thing I'm working on.  I tend to go all or nothing when it comes to exercise and "taking care" of my body.  And I'm working on being kind to myself.  I love my body... and although it's not in the exact shape I would like for it to be right now, I'm not loving it or taking care of it if I push myself beyond my limits and then injure my body.  Honestly, that's probably why it got injured in the first place.  Overuse injury most likely.  So if I love my body, I'll take care of it.  Which means I won't be running five miles for quite some time now, and that's ok.  I'm going to celebrate the small victories as they come.  And this week's victory is just being able to get back out there!

So all this insomnia has me doing a lot more thinking, so hopefully at least I'll pay a bit more attention to this blog.  Not that I expect people to be that interested in what I have to say here, but it is nice to just kind of get things off my chest.

Changes

February 1st, 2014 was the day we drove fifteen hours from Castro Valley, California, all the way to Spokane, Washington.  I had never heard of Spokane before this assignment, but the thought of living in Washington State for eight weeks seemed pretty cool.  We drove in that first night, stayed at the Montvale downtown since we hadn't really found a place to live, and the solid inch of ice everywhere was already giving me second thoughts about being here.  I could barely walk anywhere in my TOMS.

A delicious breakfast at Frank's Diner while a couple of inches of snow fell the next morning did change my opinion somewhat of being here.  The people all seemed so warm and friendly, especially after three months of California's less friendly climate.  Within the first week here, we moved into a lovely condo in Rathdrum with even lovelier landlords, drove through our first snowstorm, and experienced our first negative temperature weather.  Not to mention we felt accepted very quickly into the fold at Deaconess with our 7 Tower co-workers.  Over and over again we both kept saying how this assignment felt like a dream compared to our last one.

So we renewed our contracts again, then again, and then one last time.  And as of this week, we have officially been hired on at Deaconess as permanent employees!  I am no longer a travel nurse... which is a little bittersweet.

What would possess me to move almost three thousand miles away from home?  I have a feeling there are many people, possibly in my own family even, that don't understand it.  There has been something about being out here, being away from all that is familiar, where culture and life are different, weather is different (I mean, I still don't even own an appropriate wardrobe for a real winter).  And I've never really been able to put into words why I love it out here so much.  I'm excited to be a bit settled for awhile, to have my furniture and my own things out here with me.  I'm excited to be living somewhere again instead of just staying somewhere.

I'm excited for this new chapter in my life!

Lately I've been really ungrateful.  Ungrateful for how incredibly privileged I am in this life.  In many parts of the world, I would enjoy very little freedom-- especially as a woman.  And the news coming out of Iraq recently, or the Gaza, or Ukraine... there is so much evil out there.  Yes, evil, call it what it is.  And I'm very sheltered from it.

I've been complaining because I have a foot injury and I won't be able to run for a couple weeks at least.  On the flip side, I complain because I have to exercise to stay at least somewhat thin... a problem that only exists in first world countries with plenty of food.  I get sick of the job I work 12 hours at a time at.  But I have a job.  And it pays me enough to not only pay my bills, but to afford smaller luxuries in life as well.  I have lived a life relatively free from illness and tragedy.  I don't fear for my life when I walk out my front door.

It isn't to minimize the few heartaches that I do have and never allow myself to be sad.  Or to never be angry.  But I should be more grateful for what I have.  I'm going to work on that.

Life as I see it

Well, I said I was going to keep this blog more faithfully.  And thanks to a foot injury that unfortunately kept me out of work tonight, resulting therefore in the inability to go anywhere at this time, I've got a little extra time on my hands tonight.

Yes, a foot injury.  Not exactly certain how serious at this point, but enough that it's difficult to walk.  But it is somewhat better than it was this time last night, so I'm hopeful that by tomorrow it might be even better.  No idea how it happened, though I suspect it's related to running.  Anyway, I'm not here to talk about my foot.

Actually, I'm not really here to talk about anything really.  I guess this is just one of those usual boring updates.

This week has been quite relaxing, honestly (minus said foot injury).  After working crazy overtime last week (which I'm so grateful now that I did!) I gave myself permission to just relax.  Didn't pressure myself to pick up extra this week.  I enjoyed each moment.  I did have some issues with my car registration.  For future reference to those of you out there... think very carefully about buying a car out of state, especially if that state is over three thousand miles from your home state!  That's all I have to say about that.  The issue is quite resolved at this point.  A couple of days ago, we drove out to Green Bluff to go berry picking.  Something I've never done before!  And I'm even more excited now, because come fall we can go apple picking, and pumpkin picking at the pumpkin patch!  Believe me, for Florida girls, this is a novelty!

I have to say, for the first time in my life... I'm happy and content with where I'm at.  Not that my life has been really hard in the past, but there's always been this very unsettled feeling deep down.  I've known pretty much since high school that Florida was not where I would live for the rest of my life.  And since nursing school, that itch to leave never went away.  Taking that leap back in October was the best thing I could have done.  Being in this part of the country somehow just feels right... and I love it!

That isn't to say that life is always just amazing.  But right now, I feel I can take a step back and simply appreciate where it's at.

Overdue Update

I have somehow managed to go all of June and all of July without one post.  This blog has definitely fallen to the wayside, which I hate as I would like for it to be a way for me to keep friends and family updated.  Although Facebook and instagram allow for that, I find that I love the idea of sitting down and taking the time to actually think about how I am doing, what I have been doing, what direction I am/would like to be going, etc.  A blog is just more personal.  And as most introverts tend to do, I just express myself best in writing.  Not to say I am a good writer.  Far from it, but I do enjoy it.

But when life gets full and busy, these things do take a back burner to the rest of it.  I don't even know if it's worth trying to give any sort of update, but in a nutshell, summer in Spokane has been awesome!  We found a place in town (we were previously living pretty far outside of town) back in June, and being close to work as well as just the rest of the city has been great.  Since May I've visited Montana, North Dakota, started dating an awesome guy (eventually perhaps you will find out more... but I like to keep things somewhat private), moved into Spokane, turned 27, taken a trip to Portland, highlighted my hair for the first time, (my hair actually has blonde in it now!) visited Silverwood Theme Park (largest theme park in the Northwest), biked the Route of the Hiawatha, worked A TON, and oh yeah... traded my car, Ron, in for a new Rav4!

So there you have it, a condensed version of my summer so far.  I'm still loving it out here in Washington.  A life of not dealing with humidity, constant (CONSTANT) oppressive heat, daily thunderstorms, or keeping one eye on the weather channel for hurricanes is quite foreign to me.  We have had a few weeks of surprisingly hot weather, but without the humidity it is still somewhat bearable.  Learning to live with it and not having central AC is another story!  I'm ready for some cooler temps, and soon!  Heat is 80% WHY I left Florida!

I will make attempts to actually keep up with this blog.  In the meantime, I'm really enjoying my time out here in the Northwest!

One Year

It's hard to believe what a difference a year can make.

Last May I got a hard slap in the face from reality about my health.  I was the heaviest I'd ever been, the unhealthiest I'd ever been, and my self esteem had reached an all-time low.  I felt miserable, though I hadn't admitted it for a long time.  I spent most of my spare time sleeping or watching TV-- just very sedentary.  Not sure you would call it depressed because I wasn't sad, but I suppose it was a form of depression in and of itself in that I didn't have motivation for anything.  At all.

I saw a picture of myself from my trip to Illinois that May.  I remember thinking, "Who is that girl, cause it's not me and that's not what I look like!"  As soon as I got home I got started on transforming the way I ate, the way I thought about food, and I started exercising.  It was slow start... just walking two miles was a challenge (especially in the heat).  It was discouraging and it sucked for a long time.  It didn't happen overnight, and sometimes I cried.  I didn't feel good about the changes I was making for a couple of months.  But this was a lifestyle change, and I was determined it would become my way of life.

Fast forward to a year later.  I feel like a different person.  I feel healthy in mind, body, and spirit... and that isn't something I've ever been able to say before.

A year ago I could barely walk two miles without being really short of breath.  Today I can run five miles without stopping... not that it's always easy or doesn't have its obstacles... I've worked to build endurance, fought through fatigue, shin splints, and complete discouragement.  Some days I'm completely unmotivated.  A year ago my diet consisted of a lot of processed or fried food and very few fruits and vegetables.  Today I eat a healthy, balanced diet but still enjoy my treats.  Food is still something I love, but not something that can control me.  Again... there are still bad days.  I still want to turn to it emotionally at times and I continue to work on that.  Let's just say I'll always be a work in progress, but today I love the person that I am!  And I'm working to become better every day!

Quick Update

I'm officially the worst blogger in the world.  Oh well.  I will (once again) try and be better at it.

I'm definitely too tired tonight to give too much of an update or upload pictures.  The past month has involved a 2-week trip to Florida, a trip over the border to Ainsworth, BC, Canada, and a trip to Portland and Vancouver.  Whew!!!  I'm definitely exhausted and need a major break from touring around, but it's been a BLAST!!  Traveling is simply one of my favorite things, that's for sure.  Eventually I will try to post about those trips, but no promises at this point.

Life is still pretty awesome... I'm still loving travel nursing!!  We have actually renewed for another four weeks in Spokane, which I am STOKED about!  We love this assignment and we love our co-workers!  It's just too good of an assignment to give up at this point.  I'm excited to start hiking some of the trails more... we've been getting to know some of our co-workers and had a few kind invitations for dinner from some awesome people.  It's so nice to be making friends.  Castro Valley was tough because that just didn't happen as easily.

It has been good to be back in Spokane, back into the swing of things.  Will try to be better about updating!

some days aren't as good as others.

Body positivity is something I work very hard to keep my focus on, especially when it comes to my blog.  I don't like to project negative thinking here.

But I also don't like to suppress feelings that are very real, even if only in that moment.

I have bad days too.  Still.  Like I've said before, this is a journey with ups and downs.  Today has felt like climbing uphill for some reason when it comes to accepting myself.  Not just in my body image, but in my abilities, my personality, among other things.  The negative voice in my head has been the loudest today--and I've allowed it to be, I'll admit.

What are some things I do on these days to take care of myself?

I took a nice walk this morning.  (Shin splints acting up, so running is on hold for a few days)

I read a good book.  Thanks to the recommendation of my friend, Jacob, I bought Tina Fey's Bossypants and haven't been able to put it down!  I may have almost finished the entire thing today.

I take a nice long, hot bath.

I listen to my favorite music.  Right now, it is Josh Groban.  Who am I kidding, Josh Groban is always a favorite!

And I allow myself to have my moments of negativity and insecurity... but I dig deep and figure out where these feelings are really emerging from.  It is usually a very real problem that I take and project onto my body image in order to ignore the real issue. (WHY do we do this?!)  Then I must deal with the real issue.  Suddenly, I find that I don't think myself so very disgusting after all!

And sometimes, you just have to chalk it up to a bad day and call it quits for the night.

A spontaneous picture taken by my brother.

I had just had a super fun day with friends.

I look happy, and I like it.

reasons to love my body

I am always looking for reasons and reminders about why I love my body.

As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better.  "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself."  "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy."  As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time.  I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset.  Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds).  And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.

A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem.  Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines.  These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more?  Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them!  Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies!  You're too white, wear bronzer!  I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Exercise used to be a chore.  A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was.  Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are.  Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure.  (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)

There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself.  Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life.  I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did.    Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome.  Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.

I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year.  And why I should love my body.  Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time.  It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache.  And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now.  Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself.  A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.

I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world.  I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with.  But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.

...and we're staying!!

Well, in this week's news, turns out we do get to renew here in Spokane!  A trip to FL is still in the works for this Friday since we bought our tickets home well before knowing we'd renew, but once we get back we will renew for another four weeks.  I had been so disappointed to have to move on, especially only getting to experience Spokane in the snow and ice.  Though I have enjoyed that aspect of it (seeing if I can really survive a deep north winter-- turns out I can!), I am definitely ready for spring and have heard so much about how beautiful Washington is this time of year.

I'm feeling in pretty good spirits right now after this news, plus having a really great and relaxing few days off work this week.  I feel like it is just a taste of what the last four weeks here will be like.  The weather today was beautiful.  We decided to do a little exploring and thanks to the awesome suggestion of our landlord, found ourselves at Lake Coeur d'Alene.  We ended up hiking one of the trails, then driving around for a good hour just enjoying the scenery.

Life...well it's pretty good right now.  There's something about being out here--exploring, experiencing new things... it just makes me feel so alive!  I'm still loving the running, and am now looking to train for a half marathon in the next few months.  See, now that I've written that down, I actually have to do it!  :)  However there is a part of me that is ready to visit home again, so this FL trip definitely is coming at a good time.  It will be good to re-connect with people, visit some of my old haunts, and just relax in the sun (haven't gotten a lot of that out here).  A beach trip has already been planned, and I'm sure a few more will be in the works before long.  Can't wait!

Tomorrow starts a busy week of working (with a farewell-turned-celebration potluck), packing, and traveling.  Looking forward to it!

thoughts

I've just finished working the last six out of seven nights.  I am so beyond tired, I feel sick!  Honestly don't think I've been this tired in a long, long time.

Not only was this week one of the roughest schedules I've worked in along time, it also was among the roughest several nights I've worked in a long time.  It's very rare that work brings me to the point of tears, but this week I found myself at that point several times.  I can think of some of my most overwhelming nights, and these went beyond that.  Finally at the end of the week I had to ask the charge nurse to please change up my assignment for the last night.  Thank God last night was actually decent!

We got home from work this morning and the sun was shining and the sky was so blue.  I was tired but wanted to be out in the sun so badly so I decided to go for a run anyway.  Turned out to be a bit of a mistake as my body completely rebelled the last two miles out of exhaustion.  But at the end I still decided to walk another mile, because the weather was just too beautiful!

As I took in the scenery around me (for the first time WITHOUT snow) I became really overwhelmed by this whole experience.  All the places I've gotten to see, the new experiences.  And just how wonderful this particular assignment has been.  I know that I might not ever get to experience one quite this awesome again.  The location, our housing, co-workers... everything has just been amazing!  I feel really attached here, and it's going to be really hard to leave.  I'm actually really sad to be leaving Spokane behind.  I'm trying to remember that there is a reason for it.

I'm off for the next four nights... SO ready for a break!

some introspection on this tuesday night

I have had horrible writer's block lately.  Keep getting on here to write and while I feel like I have so much to say, I just can't get it out into words on the screen.  So here's trying again, hoping that something of substance materializes here tonight.

Spokane has been an awesome assignment.  AWESOME.  I am praying that we get asked to renew this contract, as I have just loved every aspect of it.  The actual assignment itself is a challenge, don't get me wrong.  The floor we work on is definitely a PCU and can be a huge challenge, though I still feel I've dealt with worse at my old job so I can't complain.

I can't believe we are half-way through this assignment.  Time has flown so fast, but it's like that when you're having fun I'm told.  We are living a ways outside of civilization (for me, anyway) so days off honestly aren't spent in an extremely exciting manner unless we take a trip into Spokane.  My focus has been hugely on my health and fitness, and I can honestly say I'm enjoying it (in the snow, rain, and ice, too)!  I've challenged myself in ways I haven't in years... and for once the focus is on rising to the challenge and pushing myself rather than just what size I am and whether I've gained weight or not. We love trips to Target and Trader Joe's.  We've decided Trader Joe's is a discovery of finding a new snack to enjoy each time we go.  So far, we've found a lot!  I love Trader Joe's!

We took a trip to Seattle last week, which was pretty awesome.  Honestly, Seattle just wasn't quite what I thought it would be.  I think the cold rain had a lot to do with my disappointment, so I'm hoping one day to give it another chance.  I think I could love Seattle (I mean, there are like 75 Starbucks in the downtown area alone... hello!) but that one weekend just wasn't quite enough.  I will say, however, that Cafe Nouveau had the absolute BEST croissant I've ever tasted... twice-baked almond!  We even went back on our way out of Seattle just for that.  I am still dreaming of that, still dreaming of it.

As for just this whole adventure of travel nursing... I'm SO glad that I decided to do this.  There has been something so incredibly liberating about just picking up and going across the country.  To the complete unknown, with nothing but a sense of adventure and a friend at my side.  Which is what makes it as awesome as it's been.

It isn't that I didn't know who I was before embarking on this... but I've learned SO much about myself and the world in the past four months.  Branching out and seeing that there are different cultures, different ways of life, different viewpoints, all of that... honestly nothing I believe or think has changed since leaving Florida.  But it has been re-affirmed again and again.  Let's be honest, I'm not quite the diligent, conservative girl who never questioned anything that I was just a few short years ago.  There's a lot about the south that I miss, don't get me wrong. (my family and friends, Chick Fil A, Publix, just to name a few...)

There's something about the Northwest.  I don't know what it is... I just feel that I've grown into myself out here.  I can't even express what I'm trying to say.  Just that this experience has been so amazing, and I am so incredibly grateful to God for giving it to me.  I think I might be able to better express these thoughts another time... I'll leave it at that for now.

it's a journey

Since starting travel nursing, running has become a new hobby of mine.  That's definitely not a something I ever thought I would say, but here I am saying it.  I feel as though I've had a breakthrough with fitness.  Seeing it as a way to challenge and push myself, achieve goals, break my own personal records.  And learning that it isn't about pushing my body to achieve a specific size and shape.

Yesterday I went running-- five miles (more than I've run in years)-- in the snow, ice, and rain.  Call me crazy, but I actually do enjoy running in conditions other than hot and humid (take that, Florida!).  I indulged in a little self-promotion that I rarely allow myself to do on facebook, and bragged on myself just a bit.  I then included the statement that I felt badass because less than a year ago I was overweight and sedentary.  And while I got plenty of likes for that status (because well, duh, that's why we post!) one comment stood out to me more than all of those likes.  Essentially the gyst of this comment was that I was never overweight to begin with.

Of course, then I felt a bit silly.  

I know I was never obese.  I realize I don't know what it's like to be 30, 50, or 100+ pounds overweight.  I've never claimed to.  But I was a sedentary, over-eating and yes, overweight girl.  I was unhealthy, even though I might not have admitted it at the time.  I could barely walk a mile without being short of breath.  I would bend over to tie my shoes and breathing became difficult.  I felt stuck, I felt trapped.  I felt like I would try to make extreme changes only to make even bigger failures and then feel even worse about myself.  When I reached my breaking point last May when even my biggest clothes were way too small and I barely recognized who I saw in pictures, I knew something had to change.  So I began a journey, one that I'm still on, and one that I'm still learning to navigate and probably always will.

I remember thinking to myself, "I'm 25 years old.  Is this the prime of my life?  Is this as good as it will get for me?"  And I resolved that the latter part of my twenties would be better.  That I would take care of myself.  Every day is different.  There are days I don't have a hard time with it at all.  And days where I still wish I could just eat a whole pizza, ice cream and cake, and just not care.  And sometimes I allow myself those (smaller) indulgences, and it's ok.  But every day is part of my journey toward being a better, healthier person.

Spokane, WA

Hello from Washington!  Actually, I'm living in Idaho but wanted to say that since Washington is where my assignment is.  I've been here a week now, and I have to say that I have loved every minute of it so far.  Yes, even my nights on the floor.  This assignment has already gone so much better than the first one.  I don't think we could have asked for any better, honestly.

We arrived Saturday night to snow and ice EVERYWHERE.  At first I was thinking, "What have I gotten myself into!?"  I honestly didn't realize that Spokane has quite this extreme of winters.  But once I got through that first night and invested in a good pair of boots, things have been great.  We have had snow a few times and gotten the experience of driving through it.  It's been interesting but I'm learning. I'm hoping to get to make a snow man tomorrow!

So things are going very well, and I'm very optimistic right now!  Here are some pictures from our first week here.

Our sadness of leaving Philz behind in San Francisco was quickly alleviated when we discovered we live close to THREE Dutch Bros! 

I am so excited to be living somewhere with snow!  Definitely a dream come true for me.  We'll see how I feel after a little while. 

Just playing in the snow. 

Snowy trips to Target 

In my neighborhood.  Right on the edge of the mountains! 

Getting to work with Bela has been a blast!  We have been given the exact same schedule for this assignment, which I still can't believe.  It's nice to have someone there with you to keep you laughing.  Working night shift can actually be quite isolating so it helps to have a friend by your side.  Castro Valley was difficult at times because I didn't have that.

And today, I took my first run in the snow!  I feel pretty proud of myself.  I bought Yaktrax, which make all the difference.  You can run on packed snow and ice (carefully, of course).  This weather will not defeat me!

Castro Valley

We're now down to less than two days left here in Castro Valley.  I can hardly believe it!

I started out on this journey with a lot of excitement.  Trekking across the country, stopping at awesome landmarks throughout the West, and coming to a whole new place I'd never been to be a travel nurse.  It all seemed so exciting, and it was!  But once we got started into the reality of it, it was really hard.  Throw the Holidays into the mix, and it made for a pretty difficult first month and a half.  I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy-- it's just the way it was.  I never really questioned why I did this, but I did find myself wondering just how long I would last in this business.

Of course, I'm still asking that same question.  I am finding myself wishing I had a place to just settle and live.  But I still have that urge to move on, so on I go.  I'm so excited about Spokane.  This next assignment definitely looks to be a bit more of a challenge.  It actually sounds quite similar to my job back home.  I'm kind of ready for a new challenge (though I may be eating those words in a few weeks) because this assignment has kind of dumbed me down a bit.

I will miss little Castro Valley and the rest of the Bay Area (I heart SF).  Highlights include visiting Muir Woods, Golden Gate Bridge (duh), walking the hills of SF, getting lost in the city, and eating at lots of new and different restaurants (Source--vegetarian--was my fav!).  Perhaps more than anything, I will miss Philz Coffee.  Oh, Philz, why can't I take you with me?  As for Castro Valley, I'll miss our little apartment we called home for three months.  I'll miss late night dinners at Shari's Pies.  I'll most especially miss my walks and runs around Lake Chabot.  I blew off a lot of steam on those trails, and got into the best shape I've been in for a long time thanks to those ridiculous hills!  Spokane, I'm ready for you!

Quite possibly the biggest highlight of them all would be Allison visiting for week a couple weeks ago!    We had so much fun.  I even got to do a few of the touristy things a second time, plus some new fun experiences as well.  It all just worked out perfectly with my schedule and hers.  Now she has to come to Spokane!

It's already been such a great growing experience.  I can't wait to start the next one!

I just don't seem to have much to say on my blog anymore!  It seems the busier I've become, the less important writing has become to me.  Which I don't like at all.  I will work on being better about it.

2014 has started off pretty well.  We are just about to finish up our assignment here in Castro Valley-- only two more nights of work left!  This has been such a great experience!  I mean, it's definitely been hard at times.  The holidays were probably the hardest part of it all.  It seems that once they ended, this assignment suddenly became a piece of cake!

And so our next assignment will be in Spokane, WA!  I'm so unbelievably excited about this!  You have no idea.  It will only be an 8 week assignment but we are hoping that perhaps if we like it enough, there could be a contract renewal.  We shall see about all that when the time comes though.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things right now, and I hope it stays that way for awhile!  Washington here I come!