Monday Night Introspection

Interesting the direction life takes you.

Upon unpacking things here, I found a journal I kept in 2011 in the desk I had in storage back in Florida.  I'm actually surprised by how sad I was during those days.  I mean, I remember being sad.  My grandparents, who had been a huge part of my life up until that point, had just died and I had a hard time dealing with it.  I think I was probably depressed--circumstantially so--but didn't realize it.  In one entry I even said I just hoped for life to once again be happy and full.

It's interesting, because that's something I've thought a lot about recently.  How happy and full life has been in this past year and a half.  I once felt like I wouldn't be happy again... and although I do remember feeling that way, it is only a memory now.  I've had to make a lot of changes in many areas of my life.  It took awhile to get there.  I've stretched myself and gone new places, done more (and more!) traveling, met so many new people.  I've stepped far out of my comfort zone many times... something I once never did.  I would definitely not say life has been easy the past year and a half, but it has been good.

Just some thoughts I have tonight.  I'm glad life has taken me where it has.  I've said it before, but this has been a season of life I have truly enjoyed.  I know life has yet to take many twists and turns--and certainly not all of them good--but I am content and thankful in this moment.

Out of the Waiting Place

I remember about a year ago, I happened to pick up Dr. Seuss's book once again, Oh, the Places You'll Go!  I had read it many times before, but not since I was much younger.  And it had never really meant a whole lot to me before that.  But one particular section stood out to me during that time last year whenever I first began to think about travel nursing.  I posted it here.  I remember thinking about that Waiting Place.  Because that Waiting Place was where I was then, and had been for a long time.

Always waiting, for what I never knew.  For things to happen to me, I guess.  Maybe a husband, or a great new job offer, or just for things to "get better" (whatever that means, right?).  And never really doing the things that I wanted to do because I was always hoping for some "aha!" moment, or something to drastically change.  My life was very much the same for quite a long time, and I was frustrated.  I felt I was watching life happen to everyone else.

So here I am, over a year later and I've finally pursued what I really wanted to do.  And yes, it has been really stressful.  But I'd rather be where I am, even if this isn't something I do forever, than sitting and wondering about the things that could be.  I don't want to spend my life just waiting for things to happen to me, but rather making them happen.  Isn't that how you'd rather live?

I have been really stressed, but honestly if I weren't here, I'd just be sitting back home.  Always wondering about all the what-if's and could-have-been's.  Stress and all, this is what I wanted, and I'm so glad I did it.

Why?

Because once when I was in high school, I stood in the parking lot of Starbucks with a few friends, and I expressed that I might want to be a doctor someday.  I will never forget my guy friend saying, "Well, I want my future wife to be a stay-at-home mom."  We weren't even dating, but he felt that I needed to know that, that my dream to do what I wanted wasn't worth anything.  My other friend went on to tell me how she had a female friend who became a doctor, and it ruined her marriage with her husband.

Because I watched in nursing schools as guys felt they had to justify why they were going into a traditionally compassionate, female-dominated profession.  Because people can't reconcile men being compassionate while still keeping their own masculinity intact.

Because I was well into my early twenties, thinking my highest calling was to be a wife and mother, and then and only then would I be truly fulfilled.  I had trained for it, after all, through working the children's ministry, church nursery, and babysitting all through high school and college.  Because the day I realized that I'm not even 100% sure that I want kids, I felt like a huge part of my identity had been taken from me.

Because I spent years thinking I would never be happy until I found a husband.  That having a career was just something to do until that time came for me.  So that when the day came that I accepted being a single woman, and that I would be happy if the day ever came to meet the right man, but either way I am a happy and fulfilled person--people immediately assumed I was throwing in the towel, a lost cause, giving up on life.

Because I grew up somehow believing that women were inferior to men.  That I would never be as intelligent as a man, or as funny as a man, or successful as a man.  And that I didn't need to be, because I'm a woman and I would let a man provide for me someday anyway.

Because I realized that Christian and Feminist are not mutually exclusive terms, though I had gone my whole life believing that they were.  That I had been one all along, though I didn't know it.

That's why I'm a Feminist.

Dear 16-year-old Me

Dear 16-year-old Me,

I'm 25 now.  In the past 9 years, believe me- we've come a long way.  We are very much still the same person, yet in so many ways very different.

You're really awkward right now.  I know.  You're way taller than all of your friends, your arms and legs are too long, and you haven't yet filled out- and still won't for a few more years.  Sorry.  Sometimes you feel like you're still so much younger than everyone else around you.  You want so much to grow up, to be something more than you are right now.  Right now you think that the most important thing is to find yourself a husband and get married to him so you can be a mom.  Your dreams are short-sighted and limited, but inside of you there is so much more to you that you haven't even begun to tap into.

Many of the people you call "friend" right now, you won't within the next several years.  Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you all the time.  You do have a few true, good friends that will be with you through thick and thin.  You'll stick by them and be glad that you did.  That guy you like that never notices you, well, you should probably know that someday you're going to be more successful than he is, and will find that there really was never much to him.  It's ok.  And it really doesn't get easier, I wish I could tell you that it does.

You will probably be devastated that while I am writing you this letter, I am still not married.  And guess what?  You're going to be ok.  You're going to learn that you have so much potential in life... that there are so many things you can do!  You're going to be a nurse someday, but right now you don't think so.  It's going to be hard, but stick through it and you'll do well.  Believe me.  You'll learn to be independent.  You will grow to love traveling.  You will learn that you can do so many things you never thought you could.

One last thing?  You aren't fat.  You. Are. Not. Fat.  You aren't chubby.  You are thin and fit.  You don't need to diet.  Exercise because it's good for you, not because you hate your body.  Someday you're going to look back at yourself and wonder why you ever thought such horrible things.  Love your body and take care of it.

Believe me... life isn't going to turn out the way you think it will at all.  Sometimes you're going to be lonely.  You will be sad when life's circumstances seem so out of your control.  Quit thinking you have a plan for your life, and just enjoy it.  These are the days you will look back upon so fondly.  And guess what.  I still haven't arrived.  I still have so much more growing to do.  We're in for a crazy ride!

Love,

25-year-old Me

It's kind of funny that yesterday morning I posted on this subject, because later on that day I found this pin on pinterest, and it sparked such an interesting conversation.  This pin basically says that God owes you for giving yourself to Him.  And what does he owe you, none other than a man!!  (Is this stuff preached to men in the church about women?  I'm really curious to know, since I don't have that perspective)  And not just a man, but a man with all the qualities that you have dreamed and prayed for since you were a little girl.

And so here's the truth.  We have idolized the idea of marriage, the perfect man, the perfect life.  Perhaps nobody wants to burst the bubble of a hopeful teenage girl, and can you blame them?  We were so full of life at that age, so full of potential.  Perhaps our parents believed they could mold us into the perfect women, who would lead near-perfect lives and stay within that mold.  Maybe our parents, or pastors or youth leaders desired to help us avoid their own pitfalls and be "better" than that.  At that age, many of us were yet untouched by the coarseness, the hardships of the world.  Wide-eyed and eager, we as impressionable youth absorbed every last bit of what was taught us-- whether it was by words or action.

In my own experience I am left floundering as I try to navigate the world as an adult.  No, it isn't what I thought it would be.  As my mind and my heart grasp for the love I desire, I'm left with the realization that there is only one thing that can fill that.  It isn't a man, it isn't independence, or possessions, security, or even happiness (believe me, as far as the independence, possessions, and security bit go, I know).  There is a promise in the Bible that God's grace is sufficient for me.  That His power is made perfect in weakness.  Coming from a really weak person, I pray for God's sufficient grace, for His perfect power.

Many years ago, God began a good work in me.  And that promise, that promise that He will be FAITHFUL to complete it is truth. The fulfillment of which may be here on earth or in heaven, I don't know.

I might not ever get married.

There's this scene in Kate and Leopold where on a date, Kate shares with Leopold "I'm not very good with men."  His response, "Perhaps you haven't found the right one."  Leopold, of course, is the right one and it all ends happily ever after.  But I think of that, what a thoughtful and truthful reply on his part.

When it comes to men and dating, I fail miserably and can never seem to hit it off with a guy.  And the response I get is so much along the lines of "What is wrong with you?!"  "Why don't you date more?!"  Etc, etc, etc.  A lot of the comments made, often in love, are hurtful and discouraging.  It is always pointed back at me, as if I'm the problem.  And maybe I am.

So often as a young girl, especially in high school and college, I watched chick flicks, read Christian fiction (the worst!) and believed that all of that would fall into place, just like it did for the girls in the stories.  Often it was a quirky, cute, skinny girl (who almost always is portrayed as eating all she wants and being tomboyish yet girly at the same time), meets a confident (albeit a little arrogant- often similar to Mr. Darcy), tall and handsome man by chance.  Cue the unbelievably witty, flirty banter (never awkward, right?) and the rest is history.

What a load of crap, yet we eat it right up!  There's nothing real about it at all.  That kind of crap has set so many women up for failure in relationships.  For a quiet, introverted teen those stories were dangerous, because it created a world for me that didn't exist.

I've come to the conclusion that I might be single for the rest of my life, because I fail so miserably in this arena.  I'm not afraid to admit how badly I want to get married, but the realization that it might not happen is something I have to face.  I'm convinced that if the time is right, God will bring the right one into my life.  I don't believe He is holding out on me at all.  It gets harder and harder all the time when I see one friend after another getting married, then one friend after another starting a family.  I see a pregnant woman and wonder if that will ever be me.  It isn't to say that is a wonderful and perfect life, because life is hard no matter what the circumstances are.


Well, I'm not usually so vulnerable on my blog, but there you have it-- a little piece of my heart.  Just some things that were on my mind today, and felt like getting them out there.

My heart has an aching today for things that once were.

Being six years old, standing only as high as my grandma's waist, helping her bake in the kitchen.

Just nine years old, taking walks with Grandma and Grandpa up and down the street, talking, laughing, just being. Being so oblivious to the pains and heartaches of life.

Eleven years old, eating fresh, sweet peaches in Grandma's kitchen. Grandma peeled the entire peach for me because I couldn't stand the fuzzy peach peels.

Fifteen, being embarrassed because my grandparents wanted me to play the piano in front of our entire extended family. But I knew they were so proud of me.

Seventeen, Grandma and Grandpa here for my graduation. The last time they visited us in Florida. You know, the 1000 miles never seemed to bother them when it came to seeing us.

Twenty, listening to how proud my grandparents were when I got into nursing school.

Twenty-one, talking on the phone with my grandma and hearing her voice break as she talks to me about her dying sister, my dear Aunt Georgia. I still remember her telling me, "We just want to sit and cry over these things, but we just can't spend all our time crying!" I will tell you one thing, that advice has come in handy in recent months.

Twenty-three: I told Grandma I couldn't accept that Grandpa was dying, and she told me we had to, and that life couldn't go on forever. That is advice I still can't handle.

I feel like part of my little girl heart is dying, or at least transforming. So much of me has remained a naive child even into my adult life, for I have never had to experience any heartaches or real sorrows or loss in my life. I can't accept these changes, inevitable though they may be, that have come and are yet to come. My heart yearns for the past that is no more.

I have always struggled with accepting change in life. Lately even the little things have gotten to me- my home church changing the sign out front last month, this month the format of the bulletins. No, no I want the sign in front of the church to be the old brick on I used to climb on when I was little. The flashy new sign just won't cut it. You have taken away another useless constant in my life.

"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" -Revelation 21:5
This is the truth. He IS making everything new, and right now it just feels like a painful process. I once heard someone say that with each person you love who goes to heaven, your heart begins to slowly but surely part with the world. It is painful. This world is not all that there is. This pain will one day be a memory, or maybe we won't even remember it. These tears will one day be wiped away by the hands of my Savior.