This Body

A lot of things have had me thinking about the concept of body image in the past week.

Mine in particular, and how it has changed over the years.

Growing up, I was skinny.  I loved to eat (especially sweets) and therefore always carried a little "sugar belly," yet I always remained stick thin otherwise.  Because I'm so tall, I had a lot of growing to do before I ever filled out.  So I was very skinny all throughout high school.  I did begin to fill out somewhat in my sophomore year, though it was nothing to brag about.  In fact, it was more disturbing to me.

Before this time, I never once in all my life thought about food and how it might make me fat, or compared my body to other girls.  Not once had any of this entered my mind.  I don't know what changed, but I remember looking in the mirror one day and realizing something.  I didn't look like a model.  My thighs weren't stick thin like they used to be.  I was now a whopping size four, pushing a six.  My stomach was chubby.  Had something changed, or was I only just now noticing these "horrible flaws?"

I put myself on a diet.  At age 15, five foot eleven inches and 145 pounds, I put myself on a diet.  I even went through a short period of about a month where I was teetering around borderline anorexic behavior.  I remember going to sleep at night, my stomach practically eating away at itself because I was so hungry.  Somehow (and thankfully), this kind of living became tiresome to me so I quit-- at least the extremeness of it.  I went to my grandparents' for Christmas and for the first time in a few months, let myself enjoy food.  I knew then that food was something I wasn't ever going to give up for anything.

Over the next year, I continued to count calories.  I wanted to make sure I stayed within my daily calorie quota so I wouldn't get fat (never MIND that I was never fat in the first place?!).  During my junior year I put myself on a sugar fast from October until Thanksgiving.  I did it again from March until May.  I trained for the River Run so I could stay thin and maybe even lose weight.  Then that summer in 2004, I went on the South Beach Diet.  I lasted several months on that, but had an epiphany one day that I was 17 years old, thin, and didn't need to be on a diet.  Ever.

So I gave all of it up.  The dieting, the calorie counting, but not the exercising.  I gave that up once I was half-way through college due to time constraints and lack of willpower.  I stayed thin all through high school and most of college, mostly because I had a good metabolism.  Was I stick-thin?  Nope.  But I was thin.  My eating habits weren't healthy, but I was happy because at least I ate what I wanted and didn't feel guilty about it.  If you've never tried it before, I can tell you it is immensely liberating.

Though I've never clinically suffered an eating disorder, I do believe throughout the years I have at times suffered from what they call disordered eating.  I've gone on Weight Watchers twice since college.  Both times I'm convinced did more harm than good.  All of the other time in between I've been afraid to start any sort of lifestyle change, because I didn't want to fall into the same controlled, guilt-ridden mindset that always came with diets in the past.

I've written a lot of posts over the past few years concerning body image.  All of which were written during a time where I was not eating healthy, nor was I exercising.  And I don't regret that time at all.  I have wondered if I'm hypocritical for my efforts over this summer to become healthy and active, and lose weight.  Did this mean I had to take back everything I said?  That I had to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong?

No.

Because I wasn't wrong.  I believe all of it-- the horrible diets, the weight losses and gains--was just part of the journey for me.  There wasn't a person who could have talked me into or out of any of those behaviors.  And when they did, I suffered my greatest failures.  You see, during the past few years, I learned to love myself.  When I wasn't focusing on my weight, or calories, I had more energy to devote to other things.  You're right, I was unhealthy.  But I truly learned to love myself, that I had more to contribute to the world than a flat stomach and thigh gap.  And I came to the realization eventually that it was time to treat this body that I love in a way that it really deserved.

That's what the past few months have been about.  I've experienced peoples' approval and disapproval in the past few weeks of my weight loss, as well as my healthy eating habits.  Sometimes the approval is appreciated, other times it comes across in an "it's-about-time" kind of manner.  But I do feel like I've finally come to a point where approval or disapproval-- I don't really give a damn what people think.

It's been 11 years since the first time I thought my body wasn't good enough.  I've spent a lot of that time hating my body, then learning to love it.  Now I'm learning to treat my body like I love it.

It's mine for life.

Charleston, SC

 I spent this past weekend in the beautiful city of Charleston, SC.  I have to say, I had no idea I lived so close to a city so beautiful and full of culture.  How have I never visited there before?  Four hours is a short drive.

My sister Hannah decided to plan a weekend trip before her school semester started up again.  She invited me to come along, as well as one of her best friends Shadai.  What a fun weekend!  Tiring, of course, because we loaded up the car and left only two hours after I finished working three nights in a row.  Though I was tired, I still managed to have a lot of fun.  (Just paying for it now with exhaustion... oh well, it was worth it!)

I decided to upload some of my pictures.  I took a lot and yes, this is me paring it down quite a bit.  There was just so much to take in in such a short time!  Enjoy!

One of the first things we did was go to the Charleston City Market.  This market spans about 4-5 blocks and sells just about everything.  Definitely a fun experience! 

Ok, no purpose to this picture outside of the fact that I love cobblestone streets. 

Statue of George Washington.  Loved learning the history of the city! 

Ok, another random picture that means nothing.  Except I thought this was a romantical staircase so why not take a picture on it?! 

We found this cute little alley and decided to take some fun pictures in it. 

Another cute alley.  We like alleys.

 Down by the harbor.  I'm not really sure what the purpose of a pineapple fountain is, but it seemed like a good photo op for the three of us.

 We went to this bar called "Wet Willie's" (gross, I know!) where they sold frozen mixed drinks.  I'm drinking a sex on the beach here.  Pretty good, though I'll be ok if I never have one again.

Ok, I took a lot of pictures of food.  And was instructed by my sister to NOT instagram all of them.  And I didn't.  But this was one of the best meals all weekend-- fried chicken, creamed corn, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and collard greens.  Southern much? 

Whisk Bakery-- had a great blueberry scone from here for breakfast! 

At Magnolia Plantation-- I just couldn't get enough of the natural beauty of Charleston.  Ok, so in FL we have the live oak trees dripping with Spanish moss... but somehow it just isn't the same.  Maybe it's the fact that we also have ugly pine trees and palmetto bushes ruining the effect?  It has just such a cleaner, more beautifully natural look in Charleston than here.

Angel Oak- a tree that is estimated to be over 300 years old with a circumference of more than 29 feet.  Wow! 

And now a picture of me with food.  A delish triple decker sandwich from East Bay Deli! 

Sunday night we had great plans to go back into the city and find a honky tonk bar.  We ran out of energy and instead ran up to Piggly Wiggly for some pink Moscato Rose and brie.  Classy ladies. 

 At Old Charles Towne Landing-- this bear was very friendly!  I felt like he would have let us pet him if we could.

Avenue of Oaks at Charles Towne.  Beautiful! 

A replica of an old cargo ship, The Adventure.

Here we are learning how to pull up the anchor.  We did this for about five minutes before the tour guide told us there was no anchor.  Thanks a lot!

Trying on clothes that the English settlers might have worn.

Ah, more oak trees.  I love Charleston. 

Ok, one last foodie picture!  We went to a place called The Early Bird Diner.  It has been featured on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.  I had to jump on the bandwagon and try the Chicken and Waffles.  I was unsure about it, but let me tell you-- DELICIOUS!  I will be dreaming of them for a long time  to come.

I loved this weekend.  I love this city, everything about it.  I feel like I left a little piece of my heart there, even after only spending a few days there.  I have a feeling this wasn't the last time I will be there.

Transforming Myself for the Better

All right, I'm back and after only a day!

Since I've started my journey toward being healthy, I've had a lot of people ask me just how I've done it.  I think maybe they expect to hear I've gone on some cleanse or extreme diet.  That there's some magic food or pill I've found that helped me drop the weight.

Honestly, the answer is simple and hard at the same time.  I've exercised a 5-6 days a week, and eaten intuitively.  I've done it the long, hard way.  In other words, instead of a crash diet that would have had me dropping this weight in half the time, I've worked very hard and ate healthily to get to where I am.  Because I've crash dieted in the past and failed, I knew that was something I didn't want to do.  I wanted this to be a true lifestyle change.  Not the ones you hear about on TV where "lifestyle change" barely even fits into your actual lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted to still be able to go out with friends and have a drink or a big meal and not beat myself up about it.  In other words, I have my cake and eat it too-- but I get up the next day and pick back up my healthy eating habits.  I don't allow it to be a daily occurrence like it once was.

For me this was not just about wanting to "look hot."  Sure, I want to look my best.  But my weight was giving me a myriad of health problems.  My lack of activity was beginning to rear its ugly head in the form of health problems no 26-year-old should be dealing with.  If this was as good as it was going to get, then I was going to be really depressed about life.  No, I want to feel young and healthy and energetic.  And I didn't.

I decided to go ahead and upload some photos.  I have some "before" ones, but honestly I still can't bring myself to let anyone see them.  I still feel like that girl... my self esteem hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me yet.  I'll get there.

This was taken in late June.  When I was first seeing results from my efforts.  I rewarded myself by getting a new workout outfit at Gap and of course, taking a selfie in the dressing room mirror. 

Swimming with my sister.  This is just from a few days ago.  I felt so good! 

See?  I do eat sweets sometimes!  This was from Kilwin's-- I can't remember what it was called but it had milk chocolate, pecans, and caramel.  I also had fro-yo right after.  Delish. 

From dinner on that same night- a mojito.  Again, I like to indulge sometimes! 

And from today.  My wardrobe has basically gone down to nothing so I had to go to Target for some affordable clothes.  Sad that I now have a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear, but I'm excited about starting to build a new one! 

And I decided to fancy it up on Instagram with a filter and border.  Makes my life look so whimsical, doesn't it!  Less classy though when you realize it's a selfie in the Target dressing room.  And I bought both of the above outfits.

I don't usually let a month go by without posting anything here.  I haven't really had a whole lot to say. I've been busy with working and living life.  Doing a lot of thinking, taking care of myself.

I feel like I'm in the best place I've been in a long time-- maybe ever.  I feel better than I've ever felt.  I've made strides I didn't think I could make.

I've kept up with my walking all summer.  This week I changed it to running, and amazed myself by running a mile straight-- two different days.  It doesn't sound like much but for me, it is.  I know that the extra weight I was carrying was holding me back from being able to do that.  Something that I thought would be impossible a few months ago I have been able to do, and it wasn't even that hard.  I'm already starting to think about possible 5k runs.  This would never have been the case three months ago!

And another new activity I've added this week: swimming.  I love it!  My sister Hannah is training for a light triathlon and asked me if I would want to swim with her to help keep her motivated.  Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it, plus it's great exercise!  I've been needing something new for awhile now.  Variation keeps me from getting bored, and makes me love being active!

So I'm celebrating small victories this week.  I think the small victories really are the biggest ones.  They have come when I've least expected them, and resulted from a lot of hard work.