So far, so good. Orientation is going well. And yet again, I have another test to study for on Thursday! I'm a little disappointed to find out that it isn't just medication dosage calculations, but also a lot of other information that I have to memorize. I'm not happy about that. I got really overwhelmed at the beginning when they began talking to us about clarifying orders, giving wrong dosages, etc... they told us a story about someone who once gave Digoxin 2.5 mg (a normal dose is more along the lines of about 0.25 mg), and stories like that scare the living crap out of me. I'm human, I'm fallible (very much so, in fact) and it is scary because anybody is capable of making mistakes.

I bought myself some new scrubs yesterday (lame to be excited about, I know). Just two navy blue sets and a white top to rotate, because those are the only colors we get to wear. I'm actually glad, because I am not really into all the bright colors. PCTs are assigned a different colors, housekeeping another, etc, and that way I suppose we are all distinguishable from each other. Hopefully I will soon be able to invest in some nicer scrubs since I had to buy the cheapest ones I could find.

I got my work schedule for the next month as well. I work 2 or 3 Sundays, which I'm ok with I guess. I know it's what I have to do, so I have to accept it. You know what I figure? Jesus healed people on the Sabbath. I'm not sure He would smile upon me refusing 100% of the time to work a Sunday, and that makes me feel so much better about it. I always think of when the Pharisees tried to trap Him when He healed the blind man on the Sabbath. I should probably download some pod cast sermons to listen to on the way to work in the morning. That would definitely put me in the right mindset for the day, rather than just treating it like any other day while I am there.

Anyway, I'm actually getting really excited about my job. I was all nerves yesterday and this morning thinking about it, but as the day went on I realized that I'm not in this alone. I will be with a preceptor for 12 weeks, so I won't be doing anything without her making sure it is being done right, and she will slowly allow me more responsibility and more autonomy in my job until I'm ready to take it on without her being there all the time. And even after I am no longer with my preceptor, there will always be people there to ask for help. I will need to suck it up and not worry about being a nuisance, because I'm there to advocate for my patients, not worry about what others will think of me. I'm there to do my job.

And I'm sure that about a week and a half from now, I will probably be stressed out of my mind after working 3 in a row. We'll see!

Ever have one of those days where you just feel emotional about everything, and for no reason? That is me today. Just a "blah" day. I think part of it is nerves about tomorrow. Realizing a lot is about to change. I resist change, even good change! I wonder if I will ever be able to accept it without a fight. My responsibilities are about to increase, I won't see my family as much, and even the thought of holidays being different sucks. I'm so excited about my new job, yet this morning I found myself almost wishing I were back in school. Maybe it all wasn't so bad as I thought it was.

I think I tend to be over nostalgic about life. I attach too many wonderful memories to everything. I hear a song and I am taken back to a different time. I have two bins full of mostly junk in my room that I can't bear to get rid of because of the memories attached. A drop cloth with doodlings all over it made by Lauren and I one year the week before VBS. A piece of cloth from my baby blanket. A little bag I used to keep my small stash of money in as a child. Yesterday I found two tote bags, one from being a Voyager, the other from being a Pathfinder. Probably most of the girls from those classes threw those bags away a long time ago, but I still have mine. I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I'm like this, always holding onto memories, to better days, to hopes that maybe life will just be that wonderful and simple again. It's as though I'm afraid that if I were to throw away those material items, I would be throwing away the memory. I would forget, and I don't want to forget.

Whoa, I think I should probably stop writing. Can you tell I'm having one of those days? New job tomorrow, and I'm EXCITED, even if I am scared.

As boring as these lazy days have become, I am a little sad to see them coming to an end this week. I have spent many of my days sleeping in, enjoying coffee with Fox and Friends, and later afternoon sitcoms on TBS. I definitely would not choose to have so many lazy days (talk about BORING), but I'm glad that they came my way for a little bit so I would have to enjoy them. I will probably never again have that much time to myself. Kind of sad, but exciting that my life is about to change a lot.

This week will be all orientation. I don't know when they're going to throw me to the wolves (aka put me on the floor) yet, but I'm kinda hoping it won't for 2 weeks or so. I know for sure this week I will only be sitting in classes. They will be stuffing my brain with things I already learned but forgot. And I have to take another med dose calc test. Hurrah! Man, even when I'm not in school I have to take tests. What a life. I'm actually kind of starting to panic about getting into nursing. Like, this is really actually happening! I'm not just in school working towards becoming a nurse... I'm there. No instructor to go to when I have questions. Thankfully, I will be with a preceptor for 12 weeks. Thank goodness for GN programs.

I saw Mormons on their bikes today while I was driving home from Starbucks. And I wondered to myself, why are Mormons always cute? I have seen maybe 2 who weren't good-looking. Do they do that on purpose to get people to convert? Is it some sort of prerequisite for going on a missionary journey? Hotness required? I have always wondered.

Not much other news here. Hopefully everything will go well this week.

I have to say, post-NCLEX life is a beautiful thing. I'm so glad it is over. I know work will be stressful. Even with all the excitement of a new job, I have to remind myself that at times, it will suck. Being a nurse is hard, grueling work. And being a new nurse is even worse from what I have heard. I'm often told the first year is hell. Well, we shall see. But like I said, I'm trying not to let myself be too overcome with excitement about this new job and then be let down. Which definitely happened when I graduated, and is why I was so depressed for awhile. It wasn't what I thought it would be.

Life is good. I am learning to appreciate and enjoy the good things in life. I have become exceedingly aware of the heartaches, hurts, and tragedies of life. In some ways it seems horrible, awful that I can even say I'm enjoying life when people around me are hurting. As I excitedly shared the news of passing NCLEX with people I love, I felt the unfairness of it all. My face couldn't help but break into a smile all morning after I found out. It seems as if the world should come to a screeching halt when people hurt. It can't, and it sucks. People are hurting, but I have to move on in life. And I suppose that is part of life, but it's not a part that I like. It's this helplessness-- of being unable to do anything to fix peoples' pain.

Well, this week is my last week before my job. I hope it's a good one, and I look forward to being a working woman soon.

Registered Nurse

Well, praise God, I found out this morning that I passed NCLEX! I still can't believe it. I never thought I could really pass it. And not in 75 questions! I can only give credit to God, because in some ways I am not sure if all the studying really helped. The questions definitely did, but honestly I can see now why they kept telling us to just do questions. But God wanted me to pass.

I officially have a job as well, which I will be starting at the end of the month. It will be on a medical/surgical unit, which is very nerve-racking for me but exciting nonetheless. I will learn so much, and I am so excited about that. A lot of responsibility, but I think I will be better off because of it as a nurse.

And I can speak of myself as a nurse in the present tense! I am officially a licensed nurse! Whoa, though, there's still a lot I don't know.

I'm so glad I took it on Tuesday. When I originally signed up for a date, the 22nd was as early as I could get it. Thankfully another earlier date opened up, or else I would still be a nervous wreck, studying like there's no tomorrow. I can now relax a bit before my new job.

Well, who knows what's going on today. Yesterday was consumed with worry, and I didn't do much besides lay in front of the TV. I slept fitfully last night, and had one dream about failing NCLEX, and another about passing with a B-. Even though you don't get grades on it. I couldn't sleep as well as normally. Well, today I can relax and be happy.

NCLEX

Well, I took NCLEX today. I don't really know what to tell you. I got the 75 questions which can mean one of two things: 1) I did really well, or 2) I was doing so badly the computer had to cut off at 75 questions. I really don't know how I did. On one hand I felt like I was doing ok, but then some of the questions really threw me. Who knows? I am so frustrated that I can't know right now. The waiting is horrible. I don't want to get my hopes up, and I'm trying not to think about it but it is all I can think about. Honestly, right now I just feel like I failed.

I realized this morning that the past two years I have been working to prepare for this day. All of nursing school was really meant to prepare me for this test. Yes, it taught me a lot of skills, and a lot about the real world of nursing, but teachers' concern when they test us is to teach us how to take the NCLEX. It seemed almost anticlimactic sitting there at the computer. Not that taking a test is ever anything exciting.

I've got to stop worrying.

On a brighter note, I am feeling much better. I must have had some sort of infection, because the antibiotics seem to be doing the trick. I'm still coughing up the last of it, but it is nothing compared to how I felt last week. I was miserable! Thank goodness I'm feeling better. When I'm sick (and trust me, it is very, very rare) it feels as if I can't remember feeling well. I can't stand it.

Well, I'm going to try to stay occupied today. I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'm going to get my mind off this test!

Zowie, I am done studying for NCLEX. I just pray that I pass. I take it on Tuesday (they recommend no studying the day before). I don't know how I feel. I feel as though I could spend hours more tonight cramming information into my brain, as well as tomorrow, but I know what I know and I don't know what I don't know. I pray I have done enough. I pray that I pass. I feel all right about it, really, but still extremely nervous. I am afraid of being a failure to all those around me. I'll be back to let you know how I did... I won't know if I pass until a couple of days after.

My ATT finally came yesterday! I'm beyond excited. Originally I was only able to schedule a date on 9/22, now however, I have scheduled it for 9/15!! I'm so ready to get this done! I'm extremely nervous about not passing, but I know I can do it. I ask for prayers this Tuesday, as this is going to be an extremely nerve-racking and grueling exam.

It looks like I might have a job as well. I had an interview this past Wednesday, and when they called me back it was to tell me that they couldn't hire me because of my not having received my ATT. Thankfully when I returned their call on Thursday morning, my ATT had arrived via e-mail just 30 minutes before. It was left that I will be called with the next step. She talked to me as if I pretty much have the job, but I'm still not 100% sure yet. I don't want to get too hopeful. I hope she calls on Monday. If I do get the job, I will start the 28th.

I was sort of on hiatus from studying for a few days. It was a combination of being sick of it as well as I have been pretty sick and not been able to do much more than lay around. But today I have been back at it, finishing two 50 question tests, and tomorrow I will complete a 265 question test. Ugh, I'm definitely not looking forward to that one. And I'm definitely hoping I don't get a test that long on Tuesday! That would be miserable!

Today is the 8-year anniversary of Tuesday, September 11, 2001. I woke up and turned on the news, and they played footage from the attacks. I didn't realize how emotionally taxing that was going to be. I had honestly forgotten just how awful that day was. This was chilling, eery, and disturbing, yet reminded me just how terrible that attack was. We often talk about 9/11 while distancing ourselves from it, and forget these were real people. Families were torn apart, mothers and fathers were taken from their children, brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, lost. We are quickly forgetting what went down that day. At least I know I am. Remembering the Monday night before, worried about homework, and starting the next day to the horrors of what happened. It felt like the world was turned upside down. Today has been like re-living it all over again in some ways. Try to remember today.

Is today Blogger's birthday? There is a little birthday cake on the main page.

I found out today that my ATT will not only be not coming this week, but that my application to the Board of Nursing has not even been processed yet. I'm pretty frustrated, but I suppose I have done all I can at this point and now just need to wait. I just don't think I can study anymore... it is getting really difficult. I was initially really upset, but I know I can still take the test, I'm still eligible to sit, and I will still be a nurse. Gotta look on the bright side.

Read this article this week, and found myself fuming by the end. According to this article, I would be a racist, disrespectful, unpatriotic jerk. Yet I am the exact opposite of all those things. I am all for respecting the President. When Obama was elected I told myself I would not become like the Bush-haters (and when Obama supporters call for respect for the President-- perhaps they mean the same respect offered President Bush? Oh, wait...). And although I am beyond frustrated and very angry about what he is doing, I think that I have still been able to respect him. As a President and as a person. I vehemently disagree with him. However, I rarely offer up any opinions when people discuss the current goings-on in Washington. I don't really see any point to it. And a question: when did disagreeing with someone equal racism? I could accuse plenty of my friends being racist towards me if that were the case. It simply isn't. Come on, let's lighten up a little. I'm not going to say that I'm all for the displays of protest exhibited at these Town Halls. I think it could probably be done better. But I don't know, calling people dangerous? Because they disagree with the President? People are genuinely upset about all that is going on.

Anyways... I am pretty bored these days. Being out of a job, out of school... it's no life. There is something entirely satisfying about work and seeing results. Working hard and reaping the benefits. Man, I am so ready for that. I know it will be so stressful, but I am excited about a new challenge. Excited to learn. It's so scary, yet so exciting!

I know we are not supposed to know why. But today I'm finding it really difficult to fathom why God allows terrible things to happen. Brokenness, sadness, and hurting. I wish there was something I could do.

I don't know why I complain about my life. I am a selfish, bitching brat so much of the time, and over nothing truly important. I take so much for granted.

I had what has probably been my only social interaction in a month last night. Went to Tricia and Alex's to see their new house, hang out, and eat dinner with them. Tricia's family also came over, and it was fun seeing all of them. They are a fun bunch to be around. Alex gave me a ride in his new Honda S2000 with the top down. It was fun! He went up to 85 in about 5 seconds, and I thought I was going to die. I decided that I could never have a car like that as my primary car, but maybe some day if I have money (haha!) I will have something like that for a weekend car. How fun would that be? Driving my sweet Camry every day to work... then cruising to the beach in my sassy little convertible. It does wonders for my hair too! It was super frizzy the rest of the evening last night.

Studying... well it's going. I am trying to get through Kaplan questions and really think about them. I was starting to get to a point where I just wanted to get through the tests and get it over with, but I can't let myself do that or I won't really benefit from it. So far everyone that I know of has passed NCLEX. Let's hope I can add myself to that list in a couple weeks or so (hopefully sooner).

Well, there isn't much else going on in life so I'll leave it at that.

Applying for jobs=GIANT HEADACHE!

Hopefully I will have something soon. A possible opportunity has arisen, but I will share more information later as I don't know very much right now. Lots to do tomorrow with getting letters of recommendation, transcripts, picking up my diploma, etc.

Studying is going ok. I feel like I'm not preparing like I should, like I'm doing something wrong, and I have such a headache after all of this applying today that I can't think enough to study. I thought life would be a lot simpler after graduation, but oh my was I wrong. I think it's so much more complicated.

I still have not gotten my ATT, hopefully I will soon. I am rarin to go!!