Growing up isn't easy. Leaving behind the rose-tinted glasses of your childhood to clearly see the reality of life is hard. I still struggle with it and I'm 22.

I've been through a lot in the last year. Not really in the sense that things have "happened" to me. I have grown farther way from God than ever in my life, and of my own doing. I've grown tired of church, tired of the routine. I have found the Bible boring, and it was no longer alive to me. My life has just felt... dry. Tiring. Wearisome. Recently hearing of people leaving the faith can shake you to the core. Yet I had to ask myself, how far away from that position am I? I have grown bored of the Christian life, tired of being good, and extremely lukewarm in my faith. How long can a person sit on the fence?

But today, I opened my Bible. I opened my Bible to read it for the first time in nearly 10 months. It felt good. Maybe I didn't receive any revelations. I didn't read anything I hadn't read before, yet I know it is truth. God speaks through Scripture. I know this to be truth, although at times I don't see it. I can wander all that I want. I can fight it all that I want. Nothing, nothing I do or say can change the truth about Who God is. I can't change what Christ did for me. I've wandered, yet He still died for me, still He calls me His own. I'm Thomas. I have spent much of my life in doubt. Yet He forgave me yesterday, and He forgives me today.

It's not an easy truth to grasp. It isn't as simple as "Jesus Loves Me," yet it is. Today I found myself thinking, if I don't choose to turn to Christ again now, I may never. I can't keep saying "tomorrow."

Goals

Found a list of goals I made in high school, maybe freshman year of college. Interesting to note them. Here are some I have so far accomplished:

-Graduate from college- RN (technically not RN yet, but I got the BSN part down)
-Run the River Run
-Make more friends (wow, was I so lame I had to put that on my life's goal list? haha- I have made a lot more friends!)

At times in my life I believe I have reached this:

-Find ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction in Christ (working on getting back there again)
-Radiate Christ (again, working on getting back there)

And some I have yet to accomplish:

-Get married (wouldn't you know that was on my list?!) :)
-Run Thanksgiving Half Marathon (maybe I can do that this year)
-Go to Argentina
-Go on a "cool trip" (as of right now a cool trip would be England, Italy, New York City, the like)

Hm. Maybe I need to make more goals. It's kinda neat to be able to check things off of your list of "life's goals."

Happy

I was talking with a friend the other night about life. About how life is really not a walk in the park. I have recently grown frustrated when I look around me and wonder if maybe there's something I just don't get. People smiling all the time, laughing, being bubbly and extroverted. Perhaps it's personality-driven, or am I simply more inclined to keep it real? Maybe for some people this laughter and happiness is some sort of defense mechanism to use in order to hide their true feelings. How can people really be that happy all of the time?

Folks, life sucks. I'm gonna say it. Why have we gotten to such a point that we must always project this facade that we are always happy? Always put together? Always have the right answers? Always trust? Always hope? Always love? I could go on. Now I'm not saying that you dump all of your sorrows on that poor un-suspecting Publix cashier when she asks you how you are doing. But sometimes when I run into people at church and have a conversation, I act happy on the outside while inside I feel just the opposite: discouraged, hurting, depressed, listless.

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 42:5

"My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling ahve beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.' " -Psalm 55:4-8

"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God." -Psalm 69:1-3

"But I cry to You for help, O LORD; in teh morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me? From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death; I have suffered your terrors and am in despair. Your wrath has swept over me; Your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me. You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." -Psalm 88:13-18

Check out those Psalms, and check out more in the Book. Those are the words of a man who was honest. We could learn something from him. There have been times in my life where I could probably have written similar entries in my own journals.

So I'm not happy all the time. I said it. Life is hard. But God is good.

Solitaire's the Only Game In Town...

I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy with studying. I didn't get any done yesterday and not any yet today either. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't seem to make myself sit down and concentrate on it. I need social interaction. I have become such a hermit, probably even more than in school! So far two people that I know of have taken the NCLEX, and one of them has passed for sure. I hope most people take it later like me, cause it makes me nervous when it seems like people are taking it earlier than me. Most of the people from the class in May only just took theirs at the end of July... so now they're taking all of the jobs we'd be getting. Bah humbug.

I have recently started watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show on hulu (thanks to Jacob Lusk!). Not a bad show. I remember seeing commericals for it on Nick at Nite when I was little, and always liked when she threw her hat in the air on the street. Other than that I thought it looked boring, which to a 4-year-old I suppose it would be. To me she was Laura Petrie. However, I find that it is a show that is very relevant to my life, and I especially like the character of Rhoda who I probably relate to more than Mary. Anyway, I've enjoyed watching episodes here and there in the last week. And I love Mary's fashion sense. I wish I could have her wardrobe (although mine would be about eight sizes bigger...).

Watched Bride and Prejudice the other night. Melissa has been bugging me to watch it for a few weeks now, so I finally decided to rent it. If you are a fan of any and every form of Pride and Prejudice told in every way possible, I'd recommend it. This one was different than I expected, but good, and it made me laugh.

Well, maybe I'll get some studying tonight. Who knows?

I detest Florida with all its humidity and heat.

How can people want to live here? It is miserable! I drove fifteen minutes to Wal-Mart today with a broken AC and almost died, even with the windows open. I cannot wait to get away from this weather. The beach is great, but who can afford to drive 30 miles that often? Not to mention I can't stay in the sun for all that long anyway. I know that the north has its cons as well, but oh what I wouldn't give to have four seasons a year. It's probably almost as hot anywhere else in North America these days, but the difference with FL is that we'll see these temperatures for a few more months, whereas if you are living somewhere else it might start cooling down within a month or so.

Now that that verbal rampage is over, hi. Hannah has bought all of her books for classes next week. Facebook statuses are lamenting the end of summer days. The weather is at its hottest (as mentioned briefly in the above paragraph), and the beginning of school excitement is in the air. Might I just say how stoked I am that I am not going back to class in a week?! I think the depressing spell may have finally come to somewhat of an end with the realization that I don't have to answer to intimidating teachers in class, write a 25+ page paper, or take a test ever again unless I want to (ok, ok, with the exception of NCLEX. I realized that was a completely false statement after I wrote it-- let's just say don't have to take a test again for a class).

Still getting ready for NCLEX. I'm trying to do 100 or so questions per day. Not too bad. I still need to review some content as well, but I seem to be procrastinating nicely on that. I'm definitely enjoying these slower days, although I'm getting cabin fever half the time being stuck at home all day. I did some grocery shopping for my mom at Wal-Mart, which goes to show you how desperate I am to get out of the house. My social life has come to an abrupt halt, which is kind of sad but somewhat enjoyable at the same time. I've been able to watch movies-- Pride and Prejudice (a favorite- and I'm thinking of pulling out the A&E version tonight which is even better!), Troy (never saw that one before and didn't expect to like it so much- definitely liking the Orlando Bloom/Brad Pitt/Eric Bana combo), Lord of the Rings (love it), The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (always near and dear), Hairspray (Good morning, Baltimore!), and a good number of others as well. Probably a huge waste of time, but I'm enjoying it nonetheless. What other time in my life will I have this much time on my hands? Probably never again.

Since school is now over I am making efforts to get back into exercising again. I am probably in the worst shape of my life. It's pretty hard to get back into it, but I'm hoping by the next month or so I can be running again. The other night I was explaining a ginormous blister I once had to Hannah (who just got 2 blisters from a 5-mile run), and said, "Yeah, I got mine on a 7-mile run" as if it were nothing. Then went "Holy cow, how did I run 7 miles?!" I can't even run one right now! Oh, to be in high school, young and energetic again. Before you laugh I will tell you that at 22 I have a lot less energy than I used to. I'm already having issues with my back, so don't tell me I'm not aging! ;)

Enough rambling, I have wasted enough of your time.

What in the world, I thought life would be so good after graduation! Now it is all a boring, depressing, job-searching, Kaplan-studying mess. I can't believe it's like this. Being a college graduate is not quite what it's cracked up to be. I feel so disenchanted with it all.

I miss my friends. Late night studying at the library with them, distracting each other and barely being able to hold our laughter in when we were supposed to be quiet. Walking down four flights of stairs to rejuvenate with coffee at Starbucks. Rolling down the hill on the green at 12 o'clock at night just for the heck of it, and almost breaking my hand. Meals at Panera or Chick Fil A between classes. Time spent together just talking. So, so many memories, and I miss it so much. I never thought I would miss all this. It all seemed so stressful at the time. Why didn't I appreciate it while I had it? Why didn't I stop and take the time to enjoy it? I'm definitely glad I have graduated college, but I will always miss the memories. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. I feel sad, listless, and stressed. I thought I would feel a burden lifted, yet I feel as though a heavier one has been placed on my shoulders in the form of searching for a job. It just isn't what I expected.

Smile... or not?

Today someone came up to me and asked me why I always look so sad. Seriously, a constant annoyance of mine. I'm not sure if I should sit there and paste a cheesy grin on my face for the world. News flash, my face does not curve into a natural smile all the time! I've learned to accept it, but I'm not sure why people must point this out. And secondly, why would it be other peoples' business if I were upset about something?

Ok, since I have a lot more time on my hands I have recently gotten back into the Lord of the Rings movies. And being the nerd I am I also have been watching the special extended edition features (yeah baby!). They make me smile and take me back about six years. I realized that last night, that it has been more than six years since our LOTR obsession. And, I might add, since I had my first celebrity obsession-- Orlando Bloom. Lauren and I actually wrote letters to him (I'm not sure I've ever shared this with anyone else...)! We found some random address online claiming to be the fan mail address of Orlando Bloom and we believed it. We never heard back. Maybe someday he will finally realize his undying love for me.

I am dreading the 180 question test I have to take once again at Kaplan tomorrow. But I have been doing better on the practice tests at home, so I'm encouraged. I don't think I will do questions tonight so that hopefully I can be a little sharper for tomorrow. Now I'm glad I took Kaplan right away. Initally I was really bummed about jumping from graduation to Kaplan for two weeks. Now I can devote the rest of my time before NCLEX to studying and practice questions. Yeah!

Oh happy day!

Wedding Bliss

I watched another friend get married at a beautiful ceremony yesterday. It was held at a place called the White Room Loft with a balcony outside and an awesome view. I'm so happy for my friend, and wish her and her new husband God's blessings.

This has been the season for weddings. I love it, really, although I must say I have grown a bit weary of wedding bliss at times. I enjoy them a lot and do not project any bitterness towards bride and groom, however weddings always leave me feeling very empty inside. What this emptiness is caused by I'm not really sure. I don't feel bitter or upset about singleness, and in fact I am very content in this position I'm in right now (with the exceptional days of discontentment as well). I very much desire marriage, though, and do find myself wistful at times about it. But what is the use? I figure it is much better to be single and content than to constantly throw myself from guy to guy, desperately searching for "the one,"-- or worse, ending up with the wrong one and thinking he's "the one." My mom has told me that there are worse things than being single for life and one of them is being married to the wrong person.

I think that for the first time in my life yesterday I felt irritated when it came time for the bouquet toss. I'm not sure I will do that at my wedding. I don't like this being singled out as a single-- "all the single ladies!" I always feel this desperation in the girls around me, and whether it is just competition over being the one to catch the bouquet or a desire to be noticed above all the others I'm not really sure. I have felt those feelings before, yet yesterday I found myself really bothered by the whole thing. Call it bitterness, I guess. Maybe I'm just feeling out of sorts this weekend.

Saw old friends this week, yet felt saddened by it. I really wish things could be the way they used to, but I know it's not supposed to be that way. Oh, well. I guess I'm struggling with moving on in life. I feel as though I'm struggling with one big disappointment of a life right now.

So sorry for the venting. I needed an outlet. Tomorrow will be brighter-- it always is.

News

I got the results back from my CAT scan yesterday, and praise God it was normal! So glad I can stop thinking about that. I still don't have the blood work back yet, but basically it looks like I might be having eye surgery. It's not a super invasive procedure, and it pretty much will strengthen the muscle with the cranial nerve problem. I'm just so thankful it did not turn out to be anything serious. When I saw the doctor two weeks ago, she seemed very worried and a little nervous about it. I think she could have gone about telling me the possibilities in a different way rather than scaring me like that. But they do have to consider all things.

Kaplan is going well. It's boring and long, because all we do is answer questions, questions, questions. Nice! Oh well. It will help me pass the test and for that I'm thankful.

Well, it's probably about time I shared this. I have recently been having issues with double vision. In probably the last six or seven months I have noticed that when I look to the left, my right eye lags and my vision goes double. I didn't really think anything of it until I saw a double vision specialist two weeks ago. She informed me of the possibilities. It could be anything from blunt trauma (the cause of which is yet to be determined) to diabetes to a brain tumor. I went in for a CT scan today and will be having blood work drawn tomorrow to rule out the possibilities. I was scared initially of the horror of being told it could be a brain tumor (this is the worst case scenario and might not be the cause at all)-- but worrying about it doesn't accomplish anything, even now that I am waiting for the results. I have an appointment on Wednesday with my doctor and will hopefully know by then. I would like to have a definitive reason for why I'm having double vision. It could be nothing, and it could be something, but I won't think too much about it.

Anyway, if you could be praying I would appreciate it. I have not shared this with many people until now because I didn't want to cause people undue worry (or have to deal with a bombardment of questions about it when I have no answers). I figured that since I have gotten the scan done and should hopefully be getting results back soon, I can let people know. Again, it might be nothing so it's not something to get your wand tied up in a knot about.

I had my first Kaplan review today. We took a 180 question test. It was a beast! And let me tell you, I did not do well. After question 50 I could barely think straight. I do hope this class will be helpful to me. Whew, it was long!! It is a bit of a bummer to be in class for the next two weeks after all the excitement of this past weekend, but I know it will help me on the NCLEX. I hope to take it by mid-September. We'll see how it goes!

Pinning and Graduation

Receiving my pin from Dr. Bloom

Friends from the first day

We made it! :)

Swoop on!

In just two days I received my nursing pin, diploma, and with that I'm a college graduate. I now bear the title of BSN. I can't believe it! The last two years have been among the hardest of my life, as well as the most enjoyable. I have made many friends, whom I will miss and hope I can keep in touch with.

It's odd to think that in three weeks I won't be going back and joining my class. Right now it just feels like Christmas or summer break. I'm not sure when the reality of this is going to hit, especially since I'll be going to the Kaplan class on Monday. We'll see how it all goes. I'm not especially looking forward to two more weeks of classes-- sort of anticlimactic after this weekend.

It's been an exciting week. There are about to be many changes in my life. I'm excited!