Update... Life

Life has been busy.  Good, full, and busy.


I'm finally off of orientation at my new job.  This has probably been the longest, most thorough orientation I've ever received since I was a new grad!  It was nice to have an "easier" pace of things for awhile, have someone right there to answer questions, and just not feel the pressure of being thrown into a new job with very little training (which is what I'm used to).  I'm still very happy at this job, and although I know I'm in that "honeymoon phase," it's certainly the happiest I've ever been in any job I've had prior to this.


My massage therapist told me the other day that she has noticed a huge change in me since I've had this new job.  She told me she could often see the stress on my face when I would come in, but that it has gone away now.  I definitely can feel it, but it's pretty crazy that my old job was that stressful that it showed on my face even when I wasn't there.  And we all know that stress = BAD for your health!  I'm so happy I made this change.


So obviously work has taken up much of my time lately, as has training.  Thanksgiving week threw me off a bit as I was traveling (got go see Bela-- yay!) and eating more (ok... A LOT more!) junk food than I'm used to.  But I got back into it this week a little better-- and with a body that was well-rested-- albeit fueled by a few extra slices of pie.  I've taken some pressure of myself as far as getting workouts/runs/spin class/swims in 6 days a week.  If I only make it 4-5 days, that's ok.  The shifts I'm working make it difficult to get a workout in every single day between shifts.  And sleep and recovery are important factors in training.


I'm still quite happy with the pace of life these days.  I'm really wishing I could make a trip to Florida sooner rather than later.  Been feeling a little homesick for much of the familiarity that my hometown offers.  I don't know if I'll make it back before the end of next summer, which is sad because at that point it will have almost been two years since the previous visit.  I often feel very disconnected from everything and everyone there.  And this is partially my fault, as I haven't been good with keeping up with people.  Life gets busy and time gets away... I hate that it's like that.  I feel entirely disconnected from my life before travel nursing, in fact.  It makes me sad.  I don't know if that's just the way life is, or if maybe I've caused most of that myself.  The past year and a half have had me dealing with some depression and emotional issues... it's been very easy to become disconnected because of that.  :(  I'm doing much, MUCH better now, of course.  But the consequences of all of that are far-reaching.


So, yes... life has been good.  In two weeks I will be off to celebrate Bela and Tim's wedding, which I am SO excited about!  And as I finished writing that sentence, I realized I leave in only a little over a week!  How time flies!

On Letting Go

Letting go is scary.

There is comfort in holding onto something, even after it is gone.  The past few months for me have felt like I still had my foot in the door, keeping it from closing completely.  Watching through the crack with a small glimmer of hope... but for what?  Shutting that door firmly and not looking back... there's finality and sadness in it.  But that is followed by peace.  Relief.  When you stop looking back, then you can finally look ahead.  See the amazing opportunities that are out there... the doors that are STILL open to you, or waiting for you to open them.

I don't want to spend my life looking back.  Living with what-ifs and could-haves and should-haves.  There is too much life to be lived for that.

And so I have let go.  Finally.

Life and Change

Time continues to fly, and here we are in November already.  The start of the Holidays is just around the corner.  I can't believe it!

I got a little sad today as I drove around town seeing the vibrant fall colors.  The wind is fierce today, and a lot of the leaves are being blown off the trees.  Soon they will all be bare.  Living in Spokane and having four seasons has been really amazing for me.  And I'm learning that, although I love winter, there is something very sad about seeing the leaves falling off of the trees.  Maybe it's symbolic of the change that I am always so resistant to.  Good change or bad change, I struggle with it.

Speaking of change, I recently started a new job!  It is a much less stressful place, and one that is very supportive of nurses and patient safety.  I am taking care of veterans at the VA.  I consider it an honor.  However, it was hard for me to leave my old job.  I had been living with constant stress and losing sleep during those last months there, so it was definitely change that was necessary and good.  I look forward to this new chapter.

Training continues on, and I'm loving it!  I ran ten miles this morning and maybe it was the rain, but I felt amazing!  Usually the longer distances are a real struggle, but my body felt strong and I felt motivated.  I enjoy that feeling when it comes, because it doesn't happen very often.  There are days that running three miles is a struggle (which always blows my mind).  I've been attending spinning classes once or twice a week at my gym.  Saturday mornings are my intense 2-hour ones.  I love it.  

I'm training for the 70.3 but mostly I think I am just training to be a badass.

Woke up feeling under the weather today.  Sore throat, cough.  Just the beginning of what could be some sort of virus.  So I decided I will just lay low today.  Drink tons of water, take zicam and emergen-c, and drink immune-boosting tea.  I'm determined that this will not progress.  Otherwise I feel just fine, but I decided no working out today.  Which sucks for me, but this is also part of taking care of my body.  Recovery and rest, am I right?  I'm not much good if I get sick.

I was talking with my sister over the weekend about my upcoming Iron Man 70.3.  She asked me, "What's your motivation and goals in doing this?"

Many things of course come to mind.  But the first thing I thought of was the sense of purpose and fulfillment I get out of training for something that is physically demanding.  Proving to myself each day that I'm stronger than I think.  Fighting through the hard days where I feel weaker than I am.  Being better than I was the day before.  Getting stronger.  I don't know, there is just something that has been so amazing about the past three months for me in lifting and training for the half marathon.  I have gotten a taste of what that life is like, and I want more.

I spent years thinking I couldn't do big things.  I always had a desire deep down to do things like this, but I wasn't "that girl."  I was the one who ate junk food and abhorred exercise of any kind.  That was me and it was the box I felt like I was stuck in.  I still feel like I'm that same person, and it comes out in the things I say about myself.  My friend called me out on it the other day.  In conversation, when running and lifting come up, I constantly tell people that I'm really not that fit, or strong, or athletic.  And Haley said, "You've got to stop saying those things because you are really fit!"

It was something I needed to hear, because I still have the bad habit of tearing myself down.  Of down-playing the things I have accomplished.  It is good to acknowledge that.

I'm chomping at the bit today because I feel like a day of rest will set me back, but that is a toxic mindset I must rid myself of.  Rest is an essential part of training.  Especially on days when you are sick.  Pushing through that will do no good in the long run.

Half Marathon and New Goals

Well, I finished my very first half marathon on Sunday!

Official time: 2:05:37.  My goal was 2:10, and I beat it.  Crossing that finish line was exhilerating.  One of the best experiences I've ever had.

And I'm not stopping there.  I am signed up for the Iron Man 70.3 (that is a Half Iron Man) next summer.  And there's no off-season for that one.  Pre-training already started.  I have more strength to build before then, more endurance to work toward.  I can't get complacent for the winter.  Each day is going to be one step closer to the 70.3 and I am excited.

It's going to be hard, I know that.  I already spent two hours of my morning in a kick-ass spinning class followed by weights.  It was hard.  And that's only the beginning.

But I'm so excited!  Learning my limits and then pushing past them has been amazing!  I want to keep getting better and I can't wait to see how the next nine months goes!

A Bit of Discouragement

Disouraging, discouraging week on the fitness front around here.  Wow, let me just say that while hard work pays off in many ways, slacking in other areas has its consequences.

My motivation was in the drain this morning as a result, but I forced myself to go work out and go for a run afterward.  I felt pretty good while I was lifting, but my run just had me pretty much defeated... even though it was a short one.  I finished, but not strong.  Yikes.  Here's hoping this is only a temporary setback because let me tell you... it does not feel good.  Most of all I know that this is the time when it is easiest to give up because it feels like it's not working.  But the thing is, I have still seen AMAZING results, made incredible strides, and am still making gains.  Yay!

I'm working on some new strategies for holding myself accountable.  And by accountable, yes I mean accountable on what I am eating on a daily basis.  I honestly thought I was doing so well, but after really thinking about the past few weeks and being honest with myself, I started to remember multiple instances of indulging just a little too much.  Stressful nights at work when I gave in to emotional eating.  Getting an extra sweet here and there... adding up to multiple times in a short time.  Over all, YES I have been eating healthy.  But there have been too many of those "in-between" times that I thought were just the exception, only to realize they were becoming the norm.

I've identified the times when I know it is hardest.  Evenings at home, being out with friends, and extra stressful OR extra slow nights at work.  So I'm working on what I need to do in order to not overeat, emotionally eat, or eat out of boredom.  I think just identifying those triggers for me is absolutely key.  Putting a plan into action is the next key!

But I'm doing great otherwise!  New change is coming... change I am oh-so-excited about!  More later!

As you know, in February I competed my first Whole30.

Through Whole30, I found a lot of healing from food issues.  I learned what it really means to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full.  This had been a struggle for me for years, and of course it's not without its struggles today either.  I gained many good habits from Whole30.  I learned how to cook good, whole food.  I learned how to actually taste my food instead of scarfing it down quickly.  I gained a lot of freedom from food because of Whole30.

But I've also come to realize a few cons of Whole30.  My disclaimer at this point is that these are cons for me.  I'm not implying other people will experience these.  And I also still very much believe in the philosophy of Whole30 and the positive impact that it had on my life and many other peoples' lives.

One thing I found through Whole30 was that I didn't realize how much sugar was in everything we eat.  If you look at the ingredients list on many foods, sugar is one of the top ingredients.  And why?  Who knows, but it's in everything.  So I changed how I shop.  I continued to not buy foods that had any added sugar in them.  I also quit grains almost 100%.  I continued to allow some dairy in my diet (mostly in the form of half and half).  I still stayed away from legumes.  I will say that this also meant my diet was pretty high in fat.  Because most of what I could eat (besides fruits and veggies) contains a lot of fat.

My mistake in all of this was blindly going into a new way of eating once Whole30 ended.  I didn't stop to wonder just how much of each macronutrient I was getting in my diet.  I didn't track my eating (because I felt that "counting" anything would lead to restriction).  This resulted in weight gain over the months following Whole30.  Not tremendous weight gain, and nothing I felt I was trapped in.  I also was at a place where I didn't mind and I was simply happy to go about my life freely without thinking about how much I was eating.  And that's ok for awhile.  And I was actually conscious of most of these things at the time, but I just wasn't in a place where I wanted to do anything about it.

Of course, as the months have gone by, I've modified my eating habits to fit my lifestyle.  I've stopped with the thinking that this food is bad because it has added sugar or this food is bad because it is a grain.  I eat cheese and protein bars and peanut butter (because... GAINS!).  Of course I still eat eggs every morning for breakfast.  I still eat plenty of meat, but I now opt for as lean a cut as I can.  And this week I even bought a loaf of whole grain bread because... well, it looked good and I wanted to.  And I realized.... that's just fine!  Eating grains on occasion isn't going to sabotage my health and fitness.  It's funny, but buying that loaf of bread was just a little bit freeing for me.  I've even had some frozen yogurt after dinner the past couple of nights.  And look, I'm still doing fine!

And last but not least.... for the better part of the past month I have been tracking my food intake.  Yes, I realize that is not a way you want to live your life forever.  But I also realized that I needed to get a handle on exactly what I was eating and how my macros were balancing out.  Turns out I wasn't too far off track, but I just needed to get a handle on what my body really needs.  I'm not sure how much longer I will continue to do that.  But for now I feel good about it.  I don't feel that it is completely restricting me, only that it makes me more aware of how much I am eating.  Because it's hard for me to sometimes find that balance on my own if I'm doing it blindly.

Bottom line is, I would do another Whole30.  In fact, I plan on doing another one in January.  It is truly like pressing the reset button on your health... but I'm not sure I believe in it as a way of living every day.  And I know that the authors do not endorse the idea of living within the Whole30 restrictions every single day.  But unfortunately in our diet-obsessed culture, we like to have rules and regulations and so we still try and apply those rules even though we don't have to.

Anyway, this is a very scattered post but needless to say... I'm most interested in eating in a way that fuels my body for living life, for performing at its best in everything I do.

Reality Check

I talk a lot about my health and fitness here.  I have chronicled a lot of it on this blog throughout the past couple of years.  What started out as a wake-up call (after many previous "wake-up calls," honestly) turned into a passion of mine.  I never thought I would become someone who enjoyed running, trained for triathlons, and eats healthy (most of the time).  I used to make fun of those people, in fact.

I existed on a diet of processed carbs, refined sugars, and very little of anything else.  I didn't exercise.  Ever.  When I started getting serious about my health, just a couple of miles walking would have me incredibly winded, sore, and exhausted.

The past 2+ years have been quite a journey.  Every so often I feel the need to check in with myself in the process.  It's easy to get caught up in a super-healthy phase only to be followed by what I perceive as failure (even though it's not).  On the other hand it is also easy to get caught up in some pretty unhealthy habits that I sometimes allow myself to fall into.

One of the biggest realizations I've come into the past few weeks is about my body.  I've found myself wishing my strength and fitness showed more in what my body looks like.  In other words, I wish that simply by looking at me, people could see my level of fitness.  The hours of time I have put into training, cooking, and eating healthy.  And I hate that I think that way, I hate that I care at all what others think.  And this doesn't consume my thoughts all of the time, but it does enter them more than I would like.

I had a really strange experience recently, though.  I had gone to another floor at work to look for some extra supplies.  I was waiting for the elevators and happened to look through the windows next to me into another room.  I saw a person standing in there, and for a moment it startled me a bit because it was the middle of the night and I didn't expect to see anyone there.  I realized after a couple of seconds I was merely seeing my reflection.  But the odd part of the experience was that for the first time, I saw myself the way others see me.  I hadn't seen a big girl in that window.  In fact, what I saw was far from that.

This was a huge reality check for me, to see myself through "someone else's" eyes... even if they were my own eyes.  When I thought I was seeing someone else, I saw what looked like a tall, slender person.  How strange to see yourself that way.

And it was a reminder that I need to be kind to myself.  My body has gone through a lot of change in the last couple of years, yes.  But it also has been recovering from years of bad eating, sedentary habits, as well as negative self image.  And undoing all of that is going to take time... maybe more than two years.  Maybe another two or three or four, who knows.  But I love my body and I am determined to continue to take care of it... sometimes that means taking it one day at a time.  Simply not being hard on myself for unhealthy choices.  Realizing that I'm beautiful in every form that my body will take on in this life.

Another Day

I definitely have had a most encouraging day today... something I definitely needed.  I'm still sad, of course, and still very emotionally drained.

I forgot to post about my latest results with the gym!  I weighed in last week and as I suspected, I actually put on some weight.  But my body fat percentage has dropped over two points (which would explain my cycle being off) and I've put on six pounds of muscle while losing two pounds of fat.  I could hardly believe that.  At this point, I'm thinking-- screw skinny!  I want to be stronger!

Now I'm taking it all with a grain of salt, because not every month will look like that.  I already feel the numbers game creeping up on me, but the numbers on the scale no longer mean nearly as much to me and that in and of itself is a huge freedom.  I've discovered that even if I perhaps "slip up" and am not as healthy in my eating habits, that I don't beat myself up about it.  In a lot of my research, eating a lot is very important when you are trying to build muscle.  So I feel that even if it means not losing unwanted weight, it most certainly will help with gaining the good kind.  Those numbers are much easier to deal with if you ask me.

Eventually I do want to work toward losing fat, but I've decided right now gaining muscle is my priority.  In fact it is the best way to increase your metabolism so that losing fat is possible.  I'm in it for the long haul.  Not looking for overnight results.  My trainer put together a meal plan for me that I was so tempted to throw back in her face.  Full of foods I don't care to eat, along with fake sweeteners, processed carbs, and almost all low-fat or fat-free items.  Sadly I am probably going to end up BS-ing that part.  I don't want to seem like I'm fighting against her, because she really is an awesome trainer.  But I have done plenty of my own research in nutrition, not to mention I consult with my sister who happens to be studying as a dietitian and is in her internship now.

Anyway.  As far as how I'm doing, well I'm ok.  Like I said, I'm definitely sad... I have peace, but I am sad and I am pretty lonely as well.  I've pretty much been pouring my time into staying busy as much as possible with running, working out, friends, reading.  I have picked up reading the Harry Potter books again, which is always a good world to get lost in when you are sad.  I know that there will be brighter days ahead, so I will keep on keeping on over here.

Heartbreak

I really do know how to set myself back.  I am in dire need of a reset of some sort.

I still haven't decided if I simply know my limits in a relationship, or if I really know how to sabotage something really good.  Something real.

Either way, I'm back to square one.

And I just want a break.

I am tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  My life is very full, it is very good.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a good job, I have wonderful friends, I have my health and my fitness.  I have what I need along with many things I don't need.  And while I don't look for a man to fulfill everything in my life, I am ready for someone who can complement the life that I have.  Someone who can make it better... who can make me better, and vice versa.

I have a feeling that I have given up that chance, at least for a long time.  I certainly don't get over people easily, and I don't move on easily.

I don't really know what the next step for me is.  I suppose for now, just putting one foot in front of the other.  I think of Sleepless in Seattle when Sam is still reeling over his loss.  "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long.  Then after awhile I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and then after awhile I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for awhile."  That's what I'm gonna do.

I have peace... but right now I don't have joy about it.  And that's ok.  I'm going to let myself be sad.

So I promised myself I would be extremely careful not to go to extremes with working out.  And I'm not.  I think I have found a really good balance, but have also been making my workouts a priority.  I realized recently that I don't really have any hobbies (unless Netflix counts as one).  I'm not creative or artistic, I fail at being a good reader, and I'm not currently part of any faith-based community.  This leaves a lot of time for what I'm doing.

I realize that this won't always be the case.  But I've realized how much I really enjoy working out.  And I have time for it at this point in my life.  I feel like, why not invest in it while I can?  I'm not looking to attain any unrealistic expectations, I'm just looking to be strong.  I feel good knowing that about myself and my intentions.

As with any new exercise regime, I've experienced some issues with my... ahem... cycle.  And it concerned me that perhaps I'm going overboard.  But I'm not exercising hours a day.  I have rest days, I typically may go for a short run and do a 45 minute weight session at the most.  My long run days don't include any time in the gym.  I haven't even lost weight (which I'm ok with at this point), though I know I have gained muscle.  In most of my research I've done, this is typically a problem for most women starting a different workout regimen.  But I am still going to be extra careful not to go overboard.

So my latest fitness venture, "The Gym," has been going pretty well.

I've been working with my trainer twice a week, and going on my own once or twice in between.  I've also added spinning classes, which has been a new and very difficult challenge!  But one I'm definitely enjoying (while also maybe hating it just a little).

I'm still training for my half marathon in October.  For the most part, that is going well.  I did have a bit of a shin splint flare-up last week, but I've increased my stretching and invested in a foam roller.  Seems to have kept them at bay, at least so far.  It didn't surprise me too much that they flared up when they did... after a few days of not eating as well, not hydrating well, and on top of that the heat and humidity of St. Louis.  I'm just hoping I can keep them under control, because now that I'm four weeks into training I really don't want to have to take a step back!

It's been fun to kind of shift my focus just a bit with my fitness!  New challenges always keep me motivated.  As far as my workouts go, right now my main goal is just getting stronger and building muscle.  I'm not too focused on "losing weight" per se at this point.  A lot of research I've done on body building advises eating to fuel your workouts in the beginning rather than try to build muscle and lose weight at the same time.  I think I would like to dial in my diet a bit though in the next few weeks simply to make my runs easier.  I think a little less weight carried would help a great deal with strain on my legs.

Otherwise, life lately has been pretty good.  I went to St. Louis for my cousin's wedding last week.  That was so much fun!  I got to see most of my cousins and aunts and uncles, as well as my sisters (all but one) and my brother and parents.  The first couple of days were pretty low key as most people weren't in town yet and my sister had to work.  But it was nice to just have an excuse to read and relax. Work is still pretty stressful.  I've started charging occasionally, which has definitely increased the stress for me.  I even started having stress dreams about work for awhile there, which hasn't happened to me since I became a new nurse!  Not fun.

So anyway, that is life lately.  Still loving it out here in Spokane!

Today, I joined the gym.

I knew one of my goals was to work with a trainer for awhile.  So naturally after I joined, the guy asks me to follow him, and before I know it I'm standing in front of a scale.  I could already feel the blood draining from my face, but I stepped on anyway.  I know that if you work with a trainer, they simply have to have numbers.  So my weight was probably a bit more than I prefer, but I am wearing jeans (I usually have weighed myself naked in the past) and I have gained muscle this summer.  Then he hands me a little handheld device, and we check my body fat percentage.  Surprisingly, my body fat percentage was lower than I was expecting.

So here we go and sit down, and suddenly he's calculating all these numbers, telling me how many pounds of fat I have on my body, how many pounds of fat I should lose, how many pounds of muscle I should gain, etc.... as I sat there, I couldn't believe I found myself fighting back tears.  I actually stopped him at one point and let him know, listen I've struggled with an eating disorder so numbers aren't always the best thing for me to reduce myself down to.  But naturally being a guy, he didn't really understand that.  In the end, I requested a female trainer.  I meet with her this coming Monday morning, so I am certainly ready to let her know my body image and food issues up front.

And I don't even know if she'll care, but I'd like to think a woman will at least take a more compassionate approach to training if she knows some of those things beforehand.  The thing is, I am in a really great place right now with my body image, food, etc.  I have, in the past ten months, had only two small binges.  I have eaten the most balanced diet I ever have in my life.  I have gotten in the best shape I've ever been in.

So why get a trainer at all?  Honestly, I feel ready to take on a new challenge of some sort.  To up my game, and get in even better shape.  I know I am not going to have the discipline to do strength and HIIT-style training on my own.  I'm just not.

But in this process, I am committed to not reducing myself down to a number.  Not a number on a scale.  Not a percentage.  Not a BMI.  Not a calorie-deficit or -surplus.

Because I am so much more than those things.

I remember in May, I lamented to my sister that here I was as fit as I've ever been, yet I still carry a "spare tire."  She looked at me and said, "Well, you're not a horrible, mean-spirited person, and that's a lot worse than just having a spare tire.  What's a little fat around your belly?"  And it's true.  I will be kind to myself in this process.  I will check in constantly with loved ones and friends, so that I do not get sucked into any disordered mindset.  I will remember that who I am is my compassion, my love for others, my spirit, my fierceness and dedication, and so much more.

I'm excited to start a new and scary (yes, SCARY!) chapter in my fitness journey.

Valley Girl Triathlon 2015: In the Books!

 Well, I did it!  I successfully completed my very first triathlon sprint!  1/3 mile swim, 12-mile bike ride, and 3 mile run.  I can hardly believe it still, even after the last two months of hard work I put in for it.  And I had the time of my life.  Crossing that finish line was the best feeling in the world.

I did no elite time, of course.  In fact, my bike time was what kept me from making a really good time, which I'm still just a *little* upset about.  The breakdown was 12:07 swim, 1:00:31 bike, and 28:25 run.  My first transition time was 6:42 and second was 3:05.  All for a total of 1:50:50.

But now I know what I need to work on.  I loved it.  Every minute of it, it was so exhilerating!  I'm finding myself ready to take on another.  Already looking to do an olympic triathlon next year, and I may possibly be doing another sprint here in a few weeks.

This week I'm mostly resting, with maybe some swimming since it will be less stressful on my body than running or biking.  I have been pushing it pretty hard, because I've been doing much longer runs within my triathlon training as I am hoping to do a half or full marathon in October (most likely just the half).  The last few days just before the triathlon I did begin to experience a very slight pain in my foot. I monitored if VERY closely, in fact I was texting my friends telling them that I might have to back out of the race.  I learned a lesson last year, a very hard one.  However on race day my foot felt better, although still a slight ache.  I went ahead with the race, knowing I would give myself a rest when it was done.

And I'm following through on that.  I honestly do not believe it is more than a pulled muscle or something very minor like that, but I am too scared to injure it further by pushing it.  Which is why I will most likely be only doing a half marathon, as the training will be much less intense.  I am certainly ready for a new challenge, but not to push myself beyond my limits.  I love being active too much to do that to myself and I want to take care of my body.

So today, I am just enjoying the satisfaction of finishing the race.  Working toward a goal and achieving it.  Not perfectly, but to the best of my ability and that's all I can really ask for.  I will enjoy my rest this week.

I've definitely experienced one of those "one step forward, two steps back" kind of weeks.  Today I am weary and tired emotionally and mentally.  But mostly emotionally.  I've been faced once again with feelings this week that I thought I was over.  And it's painful, it really is painful.  In fact I have had trouble with motivation lately for much outside of the things I "have" to do.

However, I carry on and I know I will move past this.  I am allowing myself to feel what I feel, while still knowing there will be happier times once again.  (Does that sound melodramatic?  I don't mean for it to... yet I'm just trying to be authentic)  Today I am thankful for friends, thankful for hard conversations, thankful for good food and good exercise and beautiful weather.  Those are the things that are getting me through right now.

I really wonder... do broken hearts ever heal?  I mean really heal... what does it take to be able to finally move beyond the pain?  Perhaps this week has been more of a "hiccup" in the journey, I don't know.  I know I have healed a lot, don't get me wrong.  Me today, compared to me four months ago is still a person who is much more whole than she was then.

It's more... I don't know how to put it into words.  Like there will always be something "off" about me until I can really truly get over him.  I fear I won't be able to give myself to someone else because part of me will always feel like it belongs to him.  I hate that... even writing that out makes me cringe, because I want to just say I am my own person and I belong only to myself.  And I do... but I just don't feel like I do right now.

I'm reminded of what C.S. Lewis said about love.... "Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one... But in that casket- safe, dark motionless, airless- it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

I would rather feel so very deeply, than to not feel at all.  I know that.  But goodness, it hurts.

My Fitness

For the first time in my life, I am fit.  I have achieved a level of fitness I never thought was possible for me.  I'm certainly not implying I am the fittest woman around, but that I am at the highest level of fitness I've ever been in my life.

And things I've learned in the process?

First of all, being fit means you have to be careful about what you eat.  I always had this misconception that if I exercised all the time, I could eat whatever I wanted.  Cookies, cake, breads, etc... it wouldn't affect me.  But I've learned very quickly that my performance plummets when I consume those foods too often, or in too large of quantities.  And because of that, I have actually found that I want those foods less.  I don't like my performance sucking because of something I ate.

The most surprising thing to me is that being fit doesn't necessarily make you skinnier.  Yes, I have gotten leaner in the process, but don't confuse that for skinnier.  My arms and legs have gotten muscular, and let me tell you... muscles do not a skinny woman make.  These thighs, instead of getting smaller, have simply gotten muscular.  This would have bothered me a year ago, but I realized the other day... I would rather be strong than skinny!  Of course, the kind of exercise I've been doing promotes muscle gain, and yes, I have been increasing my protein and carb intake like nobody's business.

Which leads me to the next thing I've learned... eating the right amounts of the right foods.  It's been a lot of trial and error.  There was once a time when I restricted my intake.  And the more I exercised, the more I would seem to restrict.  My diet consisted of almost no meat, no dairy, and therefore was extremely low in protein.  And I wondered why my body couldn't recover between exercising.  Now I eat plenty of meats, dairy, vegetables, and fruits.  I cook with coconut oil daily, eat 2-3 eggs for breakfast, make sure I have a protein, fat, and carbohydrate source with every single meal.  Even snacks.  Bottom line is, I'm eating.  A lot!  I now weigh whether or not "treats" are worth it.  Chocolate?  Yep, always worth it... especially dark chocolate.  Ice cream?  Duh.  But beyond that, not much else, at least not very often.

And getting here... reaching this point... I always say it but it's been a lot of "little" steps in this direction.  Just a little over two years ago my diet consisted of breads, pastas, desserts, fried foods, diet sodas, and more desserts.  And that's it.  No vegetables, no fruits, nothing good.  And I did not exercise.  AT ALL.  I was the epitome of sedentary.  You think I'm exaggerating maybe, but I'm not.  And I "looked" thinner than I actually was, due to my height.  To this day, people do not believe that I was truly overweight at one time.

And when I had that "aha" moment... the realization that this can't be the best that I'm going to be, this can't be the prime of my life!  I started to change.  I did have to make some drastic changes then and there, but the rest has come slowly.  I've experienced many ups and downs in those two years.  Periods of restriction, binging, over-exercising, injuries, diets, weight gains and losses, depression, distorted body image.  And then it became about LISTENING to my body.

And I feel that sort of is what has led me up to this point in my fitness and health journey.  Because there is freedom when it becomes about listening to your body.  When you're simply enjoying the process of being active, fit, healthy... and doing all of those things according to how your body feels.  So if you can't push it that day, then don't.  If you absolutely feel too full to eat any more, then don't.  If you ate "a lot" and you're still hungry, then keep eating.  And if, although you may not necessarily "need" that dessert but you want it, and it's worth it... then eat it!!!  And so on and so forth.  It's the way I would rather live.

Anyway, lengthy post today but just some thoughts I felt I needed to write down.  As I sit here looking out the window at the brutally hot, sunny day knowing I have a long bike ride ahead of me.  And yes, I have been avoiding it today!

Summer is in full force here in Spokane!  With highs of 106 today  (and highs of 100 for most of the rest of the week) I can honestly say that I have rarely experienced temperatures like this.  Not even in Florida.  Of course one must clarify that in Florida you deal with humidity which automatically means that even 85 degrees there feels worse than this.  But either way... this weather is absolutely brutal and today I will be staying inside as much as possible.  Yes, I have become one of those.  Thank goodness today happens to be a rest day in my training.

I forgot just how hard it is to exercise in the heat.  My friend Haley and I went for a run last night.  We decided to wait until after 8:00 in order to avoid the worst of the heat.  Yeah, it was still 99 when we started.  And for the first time in awhile, I hit a wall.  I'm talking slow... tired... and nauseated.  Amazingly I finished without walking but only because I was with someone else.  We both agreed it was a good idea we ran together!  Haley is training for a marathon and so I've done some of her long runs with her (she's still 15 weeks out so not too far up in the mileage).  I joked that maybe I should join her for the rest of her training... ha!  No, no marathons for this girl.  I think I might do the half marathon though.  We shall see.

Triathlon training is still going strong.  Only two more weeks to go!  I saw great progress this week with swimming.  I had been incredibly discouraged and felt like I wasn't going to be able to do the triathlon because of it.  I'm still pretty nervous about the swimming portion but not nearly as much as before.  I just need to make sure to get in a couple more good swims before the next two weeks is up.

Training has continued to be truly enjoyable.  I can't say it's always fun.  There are certainly days I just feel exhausted and unmotivated to do any of it.  But I am really loving the challenge and the sense of accomplishment when I finish a hard workout.  It's certainly been very therapeutic for me... taught me many things about my body, fueling it, and then taking care of it for recovery.

Anyway, besides that, I was able to make it out to Seattle this week to visit a friend who was there visiting some of his friends!  It was lots of fun and a very nice getaway.  Living out here, I do miss having old friends around, especially ones who somewhat understand what and where you come from. The Northwest and the South are two very different places, and often there are things about me that people out here just don't quite "get" as a result.

I'm right in the middle of 8 days off, enjoying my time.  I don't go back to work until Thursday, which I am most excited for!  Happy summer!

Triathlon Training

It seems the trend in my life lately has been giving myself a break.

A break from dating, a break from striving... and now a break from working to attain a certain body image ideal. Yes, that's something that always seems to be lurking in the back of my mind.  If I'm not trying to attain it, I'm feeling just a little bit guilty because I'm not trying to attain it.

For right now, my focus is 100% on training for my triathlon.  Although perhaps to most seasoned tri-athletes a sprint is a piece of cake, in all reality the training for it is pretty intense-- even for someone who just came off of Bloomsday training.  It takes dedication and time and commitment.  The training itself is time-consuming, not to mention the work it takes to eat enough and eat the right foods to sustain my body during work-outs.  And it's most certainly a lot of trial and error.

Last night was my first time doing two consecutive events in a row.  I biked 12 miles, then immediately ran 3.1 miles.  Honestly, the run was easier than the biking, which surprised me.  Probably because my body is already conditioned for running.  These quads and hamstrings are still learning how to cycle uphill... which is a real bitch let me tell you!  I felt awesome after finishing up that work-out, but a few hours later I definitely could tell I'm going to need some work with my nutrition and hydration surrounding those prolonged periods of activity.  Like I said, it's a lot of trial and error but I'm really enjoying it.

I'm amazed at how strong my body is.  I never thought I would be capable of even training for a triathlon.  My younger sister did one a couple years ago while I was just beginning to get into shape.  I remember being jealous of her for being able to do something so amazing.  And thinking I would probably never get to that point in my journey.  At that time, I felt like I had to get my body into a certain shape (i.e. lean, which in my mind meant skinny at the time) before even thinking about something like that.  And to a point, I have had to get to the place I'm at to be able to train like this.  A year ago (although I was thinner) my eating was so erratic in its fluctuations between unhealthy binging and ultra-healthy control, that my body would never have tolerated such sustained levels of activity.  I probably would have run my metabolism into the ground trying something like this.

I don't want to get too ahead of myself as I still have a month to go before I can even say I've completed a triathlon.  But most of the journey is the training, so I can at least speak from this experience.  And I can tell you, training is fun!  How did no one ever tell me just how much fun it could be?  Or did they and I just never believed them?  Anyway... for now I'm simply thankful to have a body strong enough to go through this.  I never want to take being active for granted.  Not everyone gets this privilege.

Life

Life has been incredibly busy of late.  Between traveling, working, moving, and triathlon training, I feel as though I haven't slowed down for weeks now.  I am definitely enjoying the pace of life, but also feel that I need a break... a reset.  But I don't know when or if that will actually be able to come about.

I had to say goodbye last week to my best friend, Bela, who moved to Wisconsin to be closer to her beau.  We have spent the past year and a half as travel nurses and roommates, essentially spending almost every day together in that time.  The bond that developed between us has become a sisterhood.  Saying goodbye was truly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Not only saying good bye to a friend and sister, but to a wonderful season of life.  And being on the brink of the next season, whatever that may be.

The good in life lately is that I continually find myself more free with each passing day.  Letting go of hurt, sadness, and pain is a continuous, every-day task.  But letting go I am, and with each passing day it gets easier.  While I am truly happy and content with where my life is at this time, there are certainly days that the weight of loneliness can be overwhelming.

And although I'm lonely, I'm taking a break.  A break from dating, a break from looking for Mr. Right. A break from constant self-scrutiny of "Am I pretty enough?  Am I thin enough?  Am I enough?" (for I never think I am)  It isn't as though I spend all of my time dating and looking for men.  But I have spent a considerable amount of time on it, worried constantly about what men might think of me... perusing dating profiles in hopes of seeing one who can catch my eye... only to see myself as inadequate and undeserving of another's love.  Dating a man in hopes of sparking something, only to be disappointed.  I'm just done with it for awhile.  I'm tired.  Finding a husband isn't the end-all be-all of my life.  But it is something that has been on my mind more and more lately.  Yet it only seems to end in constant disappointment.

But my life is my own.  And so I am taking the next few months to simply look after myself.  To take care of my body, feed it well, train it well.  To invest in friendships and hobbies.  To do things that make me happy.  To find rest and continued healing in nature.  And to simply accept myself for who I am... every bit of me.

A Wonderful Week

I just got back from a wonderful trip to the Midwest to visit family.  My sister Melissa just graduated nursing school, so I flew in the night before her pinning ceremony.  It was a wonderful, wonderful week.  My entire family was there for Melissa's ceremony, and even a few cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents made it over!

The next day we headed over to the farm where my grandparents live.  It was just a relaxing time visiting, going to a bridal shower, lots and lots of family time, and a celebration of my grandparents' 65th anniversary.  Let me tell you, these two people are amazing.  I love them with all my heart and am so thankful to have them as my grandparents.  And after 65 years together, they are still in love!  I pray we still have many more left with them.  So many good times to be had yet!

I'm home and am definitely feeling a little (or a lot) homesick for family.  Though I love Spokane, I do miss the family connections and warm familiarity.  After the mess of the past year (as far as my relationship, break-up, and finally beginning the healing process) there was something so comforting in just being with family.  Relaxing on the farm, shared moments of laughter and joy with my grandma, (who is always finding something to laugh about!) long country runs, seeing cousins I haven't seen in years.  It's like while the past year and a half has changed me, grown me, stretched me, challenged me... I still have these roots.

Today I'm sad for the time with family I feel I am missing by living all the way out here.  The thing is, in Florida I didn't get any more time with family in the Midwest than I have while living here.  I suppose it just seemed a trip there was easier when made from Florida.  I definitely want to be more intentional about visiting my family there.  Yes, it's a longer trip and yes, a little more expensive.  And that's not what has kept me from visiting more often.  But life just gets busy and you don't make the time you should for those things.  I'm just realizing how much I really miss being part of family gatherings.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not second-guessing whether or not it is right for me to live here.  I still love my home in Spokane and don't intend on leaving anytime soon.  But I am resolving to be more intentional about getting back for visits and family gatherings.  I do work in a job that provides the time and means for more frequent visits than I have been doing.  Of course life happens and it's hard to make the time, but I will be more intentional about it.

Bloomsday 2015

Bloomsday: Success!

The course itself was a bit more of a challenge than I had expected.  My fast goal was to get 1:10, but realistically I thought 1:15 would be my actual time.  However, once the race started, the combination of trying to get around the slower crowds in the first mile (since I had no prior Bloomsday time, I was placed in the group behind where I probably otherwise should have started) and the dreaded Doomsday Hill (which turned out to be much harder than I was anticipating) made me think that I'd be lucky if I broke 1:20.  So despite the multiple hills and again, losing my stride here and there thanks to inconsiderate runners, I found a pace and just stuck with it.

I didn't time myself so I wasn't really sure of my official time until last night, which was 1:14:39.  I broke my 1:15 goal!  I feel that if I do more hill training, I could probably hit 1:10 next year.  But we'll think about that when the time is closer.  For now I'm just basking in the satisfaction of finishing the race strong.  And maybe looking at when my next race can be.  :)

Training for Bloomsday really was fun.  I mean, not the most exciting thing, of course.  But there really is something to be said for setting goals and meeting them each week.  For me every week of training was a huge accomplishment.  But to finish the race was an even bigger accomplishment.  I can see why people do these races over and over again.

I was exhausted... completely exhausted after that race.  Even today, I just feel like I got hit by a truck.  It amazes me because I've run almost that entire distance three different times in the past few weeks.  I wonder if part of it is the adrenaline of a race, and then the crash.  I'm just laying low today.  I've been cooking a bit since I'm starting a Whole10 to kind of clean up my eating.  Otherwise, just relaxing.  Maybe even a nap.

How is it already May?  I can hardly believe how quickly this year has flown by.  And it has only gotten better with time.

Bloomsday weekend has arrived!  I'm really excited for it.  It's a really big deal out here in the Northwest.  It's funny.  This is going to sound incredibly... snotty.  But I used to chuckle at the things Northwesterners get excited about.  There are not a lot of "big" things to do in this region of the country.  No huge theme parks, no huge sports teams, no giant shopping malls (until you get to Seattle, of course).  This region of the country boasts its beauty in nature... trails, lakes, rivers, mountains...and that's what draws you in and keeps you here.

And so things that get people excited out here are a lot smaller, a lot simpler than back home.  And at first I didn't like that.  People would tell me how amazing something was, and I would find myself disappointed.  But oddly enough, I have grown to love the simplicity out here.  I've found that I don't get bored anymore like I used to.  I'm satisfied with a day spent in the woods hiking.  A simple dinner out with friends.  I just don't feel like I need a lot of entertainment anymore in order to have fun.

I've adopted a much simpler life than what I once had.  But a much more fulfilling one.  I was talking to my sister last night about just how happy I've been in this phase of my life.  I always knew I was unsettled back in Florida, but I don't think I knew how unhappy I actually was.  And I don't want to convey that every single day I am this happy person walking through life.  No, there are some hard days.  And there have been some hard months.  But overall, as a whole... I'm just happy.  Have I ever really been able to say that before?

Anyway, happy May!

Re-Discovery

"She lost him, but she found herself.  And somehow that was everything." -1989

And that's how I sum up the last few months of my life.

I hate to minimize the pain of the loss.  It was loss, it was hard, it was devastating in the beginning.  There were many long, sleepless nights.  Many tears were shed.  Hours spent wondering what went wrong, what could I have done differently.  Was something wrong with me?  I wondered that constantly.

And then I began to heal.  Once I began that process, life began to be in color again.  Yes, I still had sad days.  I didn't stop missing him overnight.  I didn't stop hurting overnight.  And I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't still hurt sometimes.  But life has been full.  I began to pour myself into the things I loved (i.e. running, hiking, yoga, friendships, focusing on myself, my health, nutrition, etc).  I decided to go after the things I was putting on hold for no reason.

I hadn't realized how for months I had been living my life waiting for a boy.  Waiting for him to be ready.  Waiting for him to be part of my life all the time instead of part of the time.  And I'm not that girl.  I've never been that girl.  My life is my own, yet I had allowed it to be taken over by... just waiting.  I had become a shadow of who I used to be.  I hate to admit that, even after the fact.  And I know why I was that way.  And for now, I choose to keep to myself the reasons.

While I love (I mean LOVE) the Northwest, this boy was very much a big reason (though not the only one) that I stopped travel nursing and settled down here.  But in this process of losing him, I have found a home here.  I love it.  I never want to leave.  I've re-discovered the adventurer within myself.  I've made wonderful friends, people who I know will be there for me.  For the first time in months, I've been truly happy.  Fulfilled.  Chasing my dreams.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've re-discovered myself, the woman I used to be... only a better version of it.

A Journey

So last night, this happened:

I've been working on the crow pose for a few weeks now.  Apart from my regular practice (and I've got the bruises around my knees to prove it!) every night before bed, I have worked on attempting this pose.  Last night something finally clicked and I was able to hold my balance here for about seven seconds.

It's the first arm balance pose I've been able to do.  And even though it might not seem like a big deal, to me it is!  In fact, check out this picture I took of myself almost two years ago to the day:

That's from April of 2013.  Just a month before I really had to examine my life, my health (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) and make some real changes.  This picture was in the ER back in Florida, after I spent a night in excruciating back pain before having to call EMS because I couldn't even walk out of my apartment with my mom's help to get to a doctor.  This moment was one of the wake-up calls it took for me to take it seriously.  And the girl in that picture probably would have laughed at the idea of practicing yoga.  And most certainly wouldn't have been able to imagine doing the crow pose.

The journey between those two pictures has been a long, hard one.  Little decisions in day-to-day life have gotten me where I am.  Not some huge, drastic over-night change.  It's been baby steps.  Failures.  Trying again.  Injuries.  Learning not to push myself too hard.  And learning kindness toward myself as a result.  And it makes me excited to see where I will be in this journey a year from now, or two years from now.  It's exciting when fitness no longer becomes about aesthetics... because that is NOT what fitness means.

I was given one body for this life.  That's how I look at it.  And I have two choices when it comes to my fitness.  I can be consumed with how flat my stomach is, how toned my thighs are, whether my face is thin enough, my arms lean enough, etc... or I can simply get out there and MOVE!  Enjoy a run with the wind blowing, sun shining... or even a run through the rain, which also happens to be one of my favorite things.  Celebrate the victories of a new PR or finally running the longest distance I have since high school. (seven miles!)  Take a nice long bike ride and enjoy the feeling of freedom it gives me.  Master a balance pose in yoga that I've been working on for weeks.  Recognize my limitations when it comes to where I'm at in my fitness to avoid injury.  Not beat myself up for enjoying dessert and drinks along with wonderful conversation with friends.  I think I know which life I want for myself.

Because that's the life that makes me happy.  That's the life that is free from self-hatred, constant feelings of failure, body-hate, food issues, and more.  It's the life where I feel beautiful and free and completely myself.  That's the journey I want to be on.

Experience

Soon my best friend, Bela, is moving to Wisconsin.  We decided to take one last trip over to Seattle this weekend.  We've made several trips like that before.  And on those trips, as usual, great conversation happens.

They say friends are like your therapist who drinks with you.  This weekend was certainly a form of therapy.  Amazing when you can talk through shit and let go of burdens.  Or even just have a friend willing to help you carry those burdens.

The past several weeks have been incredibly healing.  This weekend certainly pushed me much farther along in that healing process.  Hurts that I was able to finally voice... releasing heartache and anger and mistrust... Knowing that while I may never know the "why" surrounding the past year of my life, I have finally reached a place where I can move on... in fact I have moved on.  And I have reached a place of incredible strength and growth.

"Experience, the most brutal of teachers.  But you learn, my God do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Pretty much sums everything up for me.  Although I know life certainly has many more curveballs to throw at me, today I am in the best place I've been in a long time.  I feel settled, content.  Happy.  Excited for a future that for the first time in a long time, seems bright.

The rhythm and pace of life lately has been nice.  Work, of course, is stressful, but my days off are rejuvenating and relaxing.  I've picked up the pace with my running, getting ready for Bloomsday.  It's my time for myself.  I love it.  Pushing myself to be better, to go farther, to run faster.  I never realized just how satisfying the challenge can be.  

Yoga has become a new hobby of mine as well.  I love yoga because it's a practice.  It isn't about being the best and the strongest.  It's about listening to your body and learning through practice.  It's amazing just how much change I have seen in my body thanks to yoga.  And I'm not talking about how my body looks-- because that's not what yoga is about.  I can't believe how much my flexibility has improved since my practice is more consistent.  My balance has improved.  And I can feel my strength improving with each passing day.  My back handles the heavy lifting at work.  

I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm treating my body the way it's supposed to be treated.  Feeding it for performance.  Pushing it for endurance and strength, not to attain a perfect body.  And allowing treats without guilt.

I'd like to hope that maybe I'm finally turning a corner here.

Worth It

I took care of a lovely lady this week at work.  One of the kindest, sweetest women I've met.  And not only was she kind, but her family was as well.  This was a family that was built on love.  As I was asking her more about herself it came up that she had been married to her husband for 58 years.  Now I watched her and her husband interact, and their love for each other was truly evident.  The care and attention he gave his sick wife was love itself.  Not something you see very often, even with many couples who have been married for decades.  I told her later that evening how wonderful it was to see two people who still loved each other after all those years.  Her eyes just lit up and the biggest smile came over her face, and she told me, "I love him more today than I ever have!"  It almost brought tears to my eyes right there while I was starting an IV on her.

That is the kind of love I am looking for.  I would rather live the rest of my life alone than settle for anything less.  It's worth waiting for.  Being single forever simply isn't the worst thing in the world-- being with the wrong person is.  Chasing someone who won't love you back is.  Being lonely in a relationship is.  And I don't know if I'll ever find the right guy.  It isn't to say I won't date or make efforts, because God knows I am doing that.  I've tasted the bitterness of a broken relationship.  I know what it feels like to not be "quite" good enough for someone.  I've pushed away the red flags, the feelings that something isn't right, and worked harder to make it work only to watch it fall to pieces.  And if there's one thing I've learned, it is to be with someone who loves me exactly as I am, and makes me be the best person that I can be.  And for me to do the same for him.

And the thing is, I have more hope today for this than I ever have in all my years of being single.  I don't feel my heart being hardened towards love, but rather softened.  More patient for the waiting.  I have no regrets because I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason.  It has a lesson, as hard and painful as that lesson has been.

Life and Healing

Life has been good lately.

I feel very content with things just as they are.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way.  Content.  Settled.  Happy.

The last several months were months of insecurity, questioning, reasoning beyond the reasonable, chasing love that wasn't quite reciprocated, and just very discontent and unhappy as a result.

In all that mess I lost who I was.  I felt like a shell of the woman I had been.  Here I had moved all the way across the country, settled down in an unfamiliar place, and I felt as alone as I ever had in my life.  When I had wanted to feel so settled, I felt like I was in a place where I neither belonged nor was wanted.  I began to believe the lies in my head that said I was unloveable and worth no one's pursuit.  I did end up in a pretty bad place for awhile.  And I was perfectly content to stay there, to be left alone for a good long while.

I'm not going to say that those days don't come.  I have had moments, or an entire day of that kind of sadness here and there.  How do you heal from a broken heart if you don't deal with those feelings when they come?  No, they're a necessary part of healing I believe.  In fact, much of what I have found the hardest is letting go of who I was before my heart was broken.

But I have felt new life and energy these past few weeks.  Slowly, surely, I am coming back to myself. I am learning to be kind to myself on the days that are harder.  And those days are fewer and farther in between all the time.

There is just too much to be enjoyed in this world to let sadness overcome me.  I've found renewal in friendships, long runs, beautiful hikes, sunsets, conversation, practicing yoga, or even enjoying a rainy afternoon in.  I'm excited for what this next chapter brings!

Food Pictures... Yum!

All through my Whole30 I meant to post photos of the delicious foods I was making and eating, but never got around to it.  So here are some lovely pictures of what I've been eating so far on my Whole10!  Keep in mind I'm not one much for editing photos.

West African Chicken Stew

This one is DELICIOUS, and includes sunflower seed butter.  Honestly, I am barely able to eat much of it at a time which really surprised me because I absolutely love how it tastes.  It's just incredibly rich.  Luckily it's pretty dense with chicken so you don't have to eat much to get your animal protein in.

Stuffed Acorn Squash

My favorite!!!  The stuffing includes lean ground beef (pasture-raised, grass-fed) and cauliflower rice. 

This is just the spinach, artichokes, and onions sauteeing for the spinach-artichoke turkey burgers. 

Olive Oil Mayonnaise

I don't ever see a reason to buy mayonnaise at the store again! 

Spinach-Artichoke Turkey Burgers

They taste better than they look, I promise!!! 

Garlic-Dijon Roasted Brussels Sprouts

My absolute FAVORITE vegetable dish so far. 

Breakfast Egg Bake

Bela made this one.  It has ground pork with sausage seasoning, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, coconut milk, and of course eggs.  It's been great to have all made up and just heat it up quickly after a long night at work. 

Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai

I was actually surprised I liked this one so much.  I like spaghetti squash, but I don't love it.  But I definitely loved this dish and will make it regularly from here on out! 

And just some veggies I roasted up a few days ago.  Nothing like roasted veggies. 

And here is the turkey burger, bun excluded.  On it is the mayo, avocado mashed with lemon juice, unsweetened brown mustard and ketchup, and onions. 

In case you're tired of looking at food photos, I decided to post some from my hike on High Drive a few days ago.  Beautiful views!  And lots of uphill so it was a great workout!  I love where I live! 

^^^Spring is here!!^^^

Being a Nurse

There are times I am very weary of being a nurse.  Not tired of it, not hating it... just incredibly weary.  Stretched too thin.  Moments come when you feel so inadequate.  Like you are making no difference in the lives of your patients.  And not in a self-centered way of making yourself feel good about the difference you're making.  But I mean truly going home at the end of the night and knowing: my patients are better off because I took care of them.

And today, I just don't feel that way.  I feel like I failed my patient.  I had one of the hardest, most horrible events with a patient last night.  And I can't go into details because of HIPPA, but I will just say I walked away from the situation feeling like utter shit.  Feeling unsettled.... uneasy.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.  It shook me up so much I actually had to call out of work for a personal day.  I don't do that.  But I did it tonight.

Usually I can go home and resolve the issue in my mind.  Leave it at work where it belongs.  I couldn't this time.  I spent the remainder of my night carrying it like a burden.  I carried it home with me today, and just couldn't shake it.  I still can't.

This job is hard.  No.  It's worse than hard.  It's IMPOSSIBLE.  It's not just going to work and being stressed all the time because patients and doctors and family treat you like shit.  I have LIVES in my hands, and while I am well aware of that every single day I walk through those doors, there are days that that reality slams into you.  I carry a license, one that I spent four years of college earning, almost six years since then protecting it every day on the job while trying to give the best possible care to my patients... and in the blink of an eye it could be gone.

The thing is, I love being a nurse.  Being a nurse is quite possibly one of the most defining things about me.  But today, I am just so incredibly discouraged and weary.

My Sisters' Visit

The visit from my sisters was so much fun!  I definitely was sad to see them go, as we really had a great time touring, laughing, talking, eating, hiking, running, etc.  It was really nice to have family in town for a bit.

 The first night we went out for froyo after picking Hannah up from the airport!

 After breakfast at Chap's, right before our drive to Portland.

 Good old Multnomah Falls.  Always a favorite of mine on the drive to Portland!

Breakfast at Mother's Bistro! 

 We love the show Portlandia!  This is the store used for the sketch Women and Women First.

Of course a visit to Voodoo Donuts is required. 

Arm exercises before breakfast. 

 Hannah and Allison's first time experiencing the disgusting gum wall.

 The pig at Pike Place.

 Lovely view of the Seattle skyline from Bainbridge Ferry.

 Bainbridge... such a lovely, quaint, quiet little town.

Our first day back after our tiring weekend, we relaxed with some coffee at Rocket Bakery!

 Me and Hannah, preparing supper.  And enjoying wine.

 Hanging out in Coeur d'Alene.

 The beautiful view of the valley from Steven's Creek Trail.

 Hannah, enjoying the view.

I love the Northwest!