Well, it happened again... but this time it was a little more real.
I had to look at myself in the mirror, square in the face, and come to terms with reality. I'm unhealthy. I don't exercise. I don't eat right. And I feel like crap... all the time. I carry extra weight that I've especially packed on in the past year, and I don't feel good about myself. And I've thrown out my back a total of four times in my life, the most recent of which put me in the ER after passing out from extreme pain. This should not be happening to a 25 year old!
For the past week I've been on what I guess you would call a diet, though I'm trying very hard not to think of it as such. I prefer to think of it as a purging of the daily bad habits that I've developed, and learning new habits. For instance, processed carbs. I haven't had them in over a week. And let me tell you, I'm a text-book carb addict. And the thing is, I'm fine! I haven't keeled over and died from not having french fries or chips or cheez-its! (Not to mention I have yet to feel bloated once since I've cut those out of my diet-- that was a daily feeling for me) For now, I'm trying to cut out red meat. And I've added in an abundance of fruit and vegetables to my diet, along with walking several days a week.
Ok, ok. I've just started and so I haven't fallen off the wagon, and I'm still kind of excited about trying to change my ways. The way I'm looking at it is, there's no wagon to fall off of. If I have a bad day and overeat pizza or ice cream, instead of looking at it as a failure I will try to pick myself up again and get right back at it. Because eating something you really want isn't a moral failing, it's just maybe not the healthiest thing.
So while I was on my walk today, I had some thoughts.
1. Food has this hold over me, that I wish it didn't. I don't think about it all the time, but I do think about my next meal more often than I should.
2. Though I'm trying to be healthy, I don't want to reach a point where I'm constantly counting calories, carbs, and fat, and never allowing myself to eat that really delicious Zaxby's milkshake or pizza. It's just learning that I can't do those things every day.
3. When did I get so old? Walking shouldn't be this hard.
4. I'm still young, but let's face it. I don't have the same body or metabolism I did when I was sixteen. Thirty is only four years away away and I've spent most of my twenties in a sedentary coma watching TV and eating ice cream. Ok, that's an extreme exaggeration. But I want my thirties to be better than my twenties... and if I continue in the habits I'm in, that's not going to happen.
5. I am trying to make my focus healthy, but I do want to lose weight and get back to the size that makes me feel better about myself-- and also helps me to be able to do the things I want to do with more energy.
6. I love food, and that's ok. I am trying to learn to love it differently.
2 comments:
Sorry it has taken me so long to comment on this. I think there' a lot of good points in this, but I also know that for me the idea of health has really had to transform. Where as before I was looking at it as just physical, it seems a much more well-rounded goal (ie, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). I've stopped tracking my weight but changed the way I eat. I've stopped obsessing over dress sizes and focus on what I feel pretty in. It's a fine line to walk, but something that's absolutely necessary for me. I admire you for making the changes and looking toward long term wellness. I know there's the cliche about "your body is a temple" and I always thought that sounded a little funny. Then one day I happened to run across the show "Barefoot Contessa" with Nigella Lawson and that episode was all about what she called "temple food", that is: food that makes your body feel good. Those indulgent but whole and healthy foods. It opened my eyes to a new way of eating and wellness because I realized it wasn't about starving myself or eating foods I hate, it's about being in tune with yourself and giving your body what it needs (and wants at times, too).
Phew, sorry about the long winded rambling comment!! Hope you have a great day.
Yeah, I think you make some good points. This has honestly been something I am doing for myself. The last time I made a decision like this, it was because someone told me they thought I looked like I had gained weight. It was a knee-jerk reaction and I went too far and ended up failing and falling into an even more unhealthy lifestyle of eating unhealthy. I have found a much healthier balance this time. I am not worried about "finding a man" by getting a better body, or making anyone else happy or even conforming to society's standards. Even the little things have made me feel so much better, such as that really awesome feeling after a hard work-out... and those little things are enough that I already feel so much better.
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