2016 has been an odd year.  One I won't be too sorry to leave behind, and I hate that I feel that way.  To look at an entire year and paint it with one broad brush of "Terrible" or "Amazing."

The truth is, 2016 has been lots of things.  Not just bad.  A lot of good things happened this year.  But I come to the end of this year feeling beaten down, weary, and ready for some sort of new beginning.

I suppose what it comes down to is I worked really hard and reached many goals this year.  And I stop and wonder, for what?  Sure, marking things off a bucket list feels good.  But to what end?  I have done nothing for my fellow man.  Nothing to help others.  Granted, I realize my career does help others, but even that has ceased to fulfill me in the way it once did.  I have lived selfishly and not cared for those around me.  I have invested very little into cultivating friendship and community.  I have simply existed, going from one day to the next.

I am looking for ways that I can look outside of myself and help others.  Make new friends, cultivate real and authentic relationships with people.  Isolation simply begets more depression and anxiety, which leads to more isolation.  I am done with that life, and I want to learn how to get beyond it.

"And when the peace turns to danger; the nights are longer than days.  And every friend has a stranger's face... Then deep within the dungeon cell you have to make a choice.  Rejoice"

-Andrew Peterson

I don't even know where to begin, honestly.

I've shared bits and pieces very vaguely about what a struggle these recent months have been.

I have felt... well, to be quite honest, I have felt nothing for a long time.

Only in these last few weeks by the grace of God placing people in my life, have I begun to feel a small glimmer of hope.

The brief moments of reprieve came here and there, but it was never long before I had to retreat back into my cave, away from the very things I needed: friendships, community.  I stopped being able to handle even very basic things like cleaning or cooking a simple meal.  Taking care of myself became a struggle.

I can't even place into words what is going on in my heart tonight.  It has been so long since I have really felt anything, and these last few weeks of whatever this is (softening?) have slowly opened me up to friendships and vulnerability and letting people see just how raw and ugly my soul is.  I have wanted people to think I am ok, and from the outside nobody could have known what a struggle was going on.  I have been going through a period of depression and extreme anxiety, and on top of that an eating disorder.

By no means am I "on the other side."  That isn't going to happen overnight.  I know that I need help for where I am.  And I am finally in a place where I can seek that help.

This has been one shit hole of a year.  I am not going to even try to sugarcoat that.  It's looked like a great year from the outside looking in, what with all the trips and races and whatnot.

If you ask me why or what has caused this, I don't know.

All I know is I can't do it alone.  And I'm not alone anymore.

I want to share more of my journey with you here, and I plan on doing just that.