"And when the peace turns to danger; the nights are longer than days.  And every friend has a stranger's face... Then deep within the dungeon cell you have to make a choice.  Rejoice"

-Andrew Peterson

I don't even know where to begin, honestly.

I've shared bits and pieces very vaguely about what a struggle these recent months have been.

I have felt... well, to be quite honest, I have felt nothing for a long time.

Only in these last few weeks by the grace of God placing people in my life, have I begun to feel a small glimmer of hope.

The brief moments of reprieve came here and there, but it was never long before I had to retreat back into my cave, away from the very things I needed: friendships, community.  I stopped being able to handle even very basic things like cleaning or cooking a simple meal.  Taking care of myself became a struggle.

I can't even place into words what is going on in my heart tonight.  It has been so long since I have really felt anything, and these last few weeks of whatever this is (softening?) have slowly opened me up to friendships and vulnerability and letting people see just how raw and ugly my soul is.  I have wanted people to think I am ok, and from the outside nobody could have known what a struggle was going on.  I have been going through a period of depression and extreme anxiety, and on top of that an eating disorder.

By no means am I "on the other side."  That isn't going to happen overnight.  I know that I need help for where I am.  And I am finally in a place where I can seek that help.

This has been one shit hole of a year.  I am not going to even try to sugarcoat that.  It's looked like a great year from the outside looking in, what with all the trips and races and whatnot.

If you ask me why or what has caused this, I don't know.

All I know is I can't do it alone.  And I'm not alone anymore.

I want to share more of my journey with you here, and I plan on doing just that.

It's kind of funny that yesterday morning I posted on this subject, because later on that day I found this pin on pinterest, and it sparked such an interesting conversation.  This pin basically says that God owes you for giving yourself to Him.  And what does he owe you, none other than a man!!  (Is this stuff preached to men in the church about women?  I'm really curious to know, since I don't have that perspective)  And not just a man, but a man with all the qualities that you have dreamed and prayed for since you were a little girl.

And so here's the truth.  We have idolized the idea of marriage, the perfect man, the perfect life.  Perhaps nobody wants to burst the bubble of a hopeful teenage girl, and can you blame them?  We were so full of life at that age, so full of potential.  Perhaps our parents believed they could mold us into the perfect women, who would lead near-perfect lives and stay within that mold.  Maybe our parents, or pastors or youth leaders desired to help us avoid their own pitfalls and be "better" than that.  At that age, many of us were yet untouched by the coarseness, the hardships of the world.  Wide-eyed and eager, we as impressionable youth absorbed every last bit of what was taught us-- whether it was by words or action.

In my own experience I am left floundering as I try to navigate the world as an adult.  No, it isn't what I thought it would be.  As my mind and my heart grasp for the love I desire, I'm left with the realization that there is only one thing that can fill that.  It isn't a man, it isn't independence, or possessions, security, or even happiness (believe me, as far as the independence, possessions, and security bit go, I know).  There is a promise in the Bible that God's grace is sufficient for me.  That His power is made perfect in weakness.  Coming from a really weak person, I pray for God's sufficient grace, for His perfect power.

Many years ago, God began a good work in me.  And that promise, that promise that He will be FAITHFUL to complete it is truth. The fulfillment of which may be here on earth or in heaven, I don't know.