Depression is a bitch.

I have been waiting for the light at the end of this long, long tunnel.  Some days I just wonder if this is my lot in life.  Apathy, boredom, and just a lack of interest in anything at all.  I feel numb.  I know how good I have it.  I know I am fortunate and "have so much going for me."

But none of that means anything when you continue to be stuck in a fog.  It's a constant feeling of nothing matters.

I didn't realize how much I have been isolating myself more and more over the last few months.  I literally had a weird epiphany only yesterday about it, finally admitting to myself that yes.  I am still depressed.  I talked things over with my therapist and I'm supposed to be pursuing changing up medications and getting into a new doctor for that, but all of that feels like it doesn't matter because it takes too much energy.

How I even got the motivation to sit here and type this I'm still not sure, because I've been putting off posting for quite some time now.

There's nothing I am sad about.  I just feel nothing.

Except super irritated at myself for still being in this fog.  And super fatigued all the time too, can't forget that one.

There's really only two people I even want to be around these days, and that's my dog Wilbur and my boyfriend Sam.  Who has stuck with me despite my struggles.  Wilbur seems to know what I need when I'm at my lowest (which is more often than not lately).  Even if I spend most of my time at home, at least he is always here with me, and he still gives me purpose and hope.  Something I can hold onto.

I just want to know WHY I can't snap out of this!  It seems like it should be so easy.  Like maybe if I start doing more fun things, or being around people more, or going more places, but those things just pull me into a deeper fatigue that I can't shake.  In many ways I feel like life is happening all around me and I can't be a part of it, and then in the next moment I think to myself, "What does it matter anyway."  And I go back to binge-watching Friends.

Journal Entry

I wrote this in my journal and decided to share it here.

I thought I was doing fine on my meal plan, almost "cured" because I was "following the rules."  Turns out that my ED behaviors are more ingrained than I ever thought.  It's not about what I'm doing on the outside so much as what's going on on the inside.  Old habits die hard.  I am taking this one day at a time.  Meal by meal, snack by snack.  Most days I wonder, will I ever truly heal from this?  I have to believe I can.

Can I stop body checking?  I find myself doing that all the time.  I have since I was in high school but it really got bad in 2013--when I lost a lot of weight.

Funny.  May 2013.  I draw a very distinct line between me before May 2013 and after May 2013.  What I once considered me "getting healthy," I now consider me "getting an eating disorder."

But May 2017, well there is another line I draw.  For four years I was on the quest to get a "perfect" body but instead spiraling into my eating disorder.  Four distinct years-- not all bad and miserable, but in relation to my body and food, very bad, sad, miserable, self-loathing years.

May 2017-- when it all came to a head and I knew I had to get help.  I couldn't stop obsessing about food, bingeing, exercising away the calories, hating myself, being mean to my body, engaging in destructive behaviors, going up and down in my weight, weighing sometimes multiple times a day.  All of that was on my mind 95% of the time, maybe 100%.  My life had become completely miserable.

By July, I thought for sure I was almost better.  But by early August I was spiraling again toward destructive behavior.  It's been hard coming back from that.  But the lessons I have learned from the awful relapse are invaluable.  It taught me that I need to rely on others for support-- to let people in on what I'm really struggling with.  It taught me that I'm sicker than I thought, but that I am getting exactly the help I need.  It taught me to freely admit that I need help and support.  Until now, I still did not actually believe I was "sick enough" to need help.  It taught me to own my actions, but also that this eating disorder DOES NOT DEFINE ME.  I can start fresh, start writing the rest of my story differently.  There is no erasing or re-writing of the past.  It's a part of me.  But I can choose where I go from here.  I can take a different path.

YES, I'm still struggling, but now I'm fighting harder than ever.

Thoughts for the Week

Taking it one day at a time over here.  I'm on day 3 of following my meal plan again the way I am supposed to.  I realized I wasn't trusting my treatment plan, my therapist or dietitian, or even myself.  I wish this could be easier.  I wish there was a magic wand I could just wave and be cured of all this.

Some things I've realized this week:

Although I have known I have a problem for a few years now, enough that I knew I needed to seek help... I still think I have been in denial about just how deep seeded this really was.  It's amazing what talking about it can do.  I realized I've really been struggling inwardly with not feeling like I'm actually "sick enough" (i.e. dangerously underweight, hair falling out, fainting, all the typical things you think of when you hear the term eating disorder) to need this much help.  I was actually starting to think maybe I blew this all out of proportion and I could just figure it out on my own.  Which is messed up, I know, because while you might not look at me and think I am struggling, there is a lot more going on that people can't see on the outside.

I've learned the last couple of weeks that for some reason, this part of me is broken.  My view of my body, food, hunger, etc, is completely distorted.  And I honestly didn't realize just how much until I truly opened up to close friends about it over the last couple of weeks.  Until now, there have been many aspects of it that I just didn't want to talk about with anyone because it was too embarrassing.  But sharing so that someone else can help me bear this burden has given me a new freedom and more strength to keep working toward recovering.

I need healing.  I need to take care of myself.  I want to feel like a whole person again.  I have a renewed hope that someday, I will get there.

Relapse

Bad week over here, bad week.  But I'm ready to pick myself back up and keep going.  Or at least try.  I won't let one bad week define me.  One bad week can easily turn into two, three, four, etc, if I let it define me.

I realized this week that my sense of identity is going to have to shift a bit.  I get asked so, so often "What are you training for right now?"  Or receive comments of "You eat so healthy."  All extremely well-meaning, so I don't hold any of that against the people asking it.  But every time I get those kinds of comments, I miss that "old me."  And I feel guilty because I don't run anymore, and I have no plans to train for anything.  And I no longer believe in the same concept of "healthy eating" as I did before.  Because I'm learning that all foods can fit in a healthy diet.  Granted, I still don't know what foods fit in mine, but I'll get there.

This week I am struggling with my body image... desperately wanting to weigh myself, measure myself, see if I lost or gained.  I have reverted back to old ways, old habits.  Instead of listening to my body, I've ignored everything it has tried to tell me this week.  As a result I have barely slept, been completely unproductive, and feel as though I am back to square one (even though I'm not).  

Here's hoping things turn around.  But I have to put in the work.  I can't expect these things to heal on their own if I keep making the choice to go back.

Things I am leaving behind: diets, restriction, bingeing, feeling hungry all the time, counting calories, over-exercising, over analyzing my body, putting myself down.  But I actually have to CONSCIOUSLY make the choice to not do those things and it's so.damn.hard.

One of the biggest pitfalls I have is comparing myself to a prior version of me.  Mostly in the physical sense, yes.  I have this bad habit of looking at pictures of myself from 2-4 years ago, and then berating myself for not looking like that anymore.  For not having the discipline I had in those days to maintain that.

Discipline for skipping meals?  Going to bed starving, my stomach feeling like it was eating itself?  Eating the smallest portions I possibly could?  Fasting as long as I could after bingeing or overeating?  Exercising even through injuries, bad weather, or skipping out on events with friends so I could get that exercise in?  Always looking for the next diet that would finally cure me of all my food issue?  

And I look at those things as positive?

Those things stole so much life from me.  It's easy to look at an old picture of a smaller version of me and see someone who was prettier, healthier, happier, etc.  I have to remind myself of how much I was shrinking--not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I was hiding away from taking up space in the world.

And so today, yes-- I am bigger.  I struggle every day with giving my body what it needs.  It probably sounds odd coming from someone who struggles with bingeing and overeating that in all actuality, I eat in a restrictive way most of the time.  Not just restrictive in portions, but restrictive thinking includes your attitude and mindset while you are eating the "unhealthy" things as well.  While I might be "allowing" those things in your diet, I still have a restrictive mindset around them.

There's so much more I could say, but there's a lot of things I still have a hard time talking about.

I just want to remember today that I am more than a body.  My body is no more than a vessel that carries me around.  The fact that that body looks different today than it did a year or two ago changes nothing about who I am.

Life has thrown me for a loop in the last couple of weeks.

Thanks to medication and therapy, I honestly stabilized and felt... human.  While I am today nowhere near the dark place I was two and a half months ago, I have been noticing over the last two to three weeks a decline.  Slow, yes, and thankfully I shared it with my therapist and was strongly encouraged to go in for a re-evaluation for medication.  Otherwise I probably would have waited another month.

We changed medication, actually.  I requested it after talking it over with my therapist.  So I just feel a little off this week.  Or a lot off, really.  I relapsed big time with my ED, (hence yesterday's post) and am mentally working on recovering from that one.

It's odd to me that this level of functioning (worse, actually) was my normal, everyday life.  I never thought I needed to get help with it, or at least I never felt brave enough to.  It seemed like "Well, this is my lot in life, and I better learn how to deal with it."  Despite all that is going on, I still have a deep sense of hope.  I don't feel dead inside, just a little... lethargic, how's that for a mental health description?

Frustration with myself seems to be my number one issue, and I hope that I can learn to be kind to myself.  Because I'm just not very good at that.

A Letter to my Eating Disorder

ED, I hate you.  But I love you at the same time, and struggle to give you up.

You tell me I am not good enough, that I am fat and ugly, that no one will ever love me.  You lie to me, isolate me from my friends and family, and tell me that only you can help me.  You distract me from facing problems, and tell me that you are my solution.  You have cheated me of a life lived unrestrained, unrestricted, and told me that if I can just achieve x,y,z... THEN I will be truly happy.

Yet you have been there in times when it seemed no one else was.  You comforted me when I felt so alone and lost.  You helped me cope through difficult circumstances.  And because of that I struggle to let you go.  You served a purpose, even if the results have been destructive.  Without you, there's no telling where I would be now.  Yes, even in your destructive, soul-crushing wake, I know somehow that I survived in part thanks to you.

The thing is, you no longer have a place.  You no longer serve any purpose in my life except to control, taunt, and destroy me.  And as I start to let you go, you cling to me even tighter.  You tell me how much I need you in order to still have control.  But I am choosing to let you go... one day at a time, one meal at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time.  So, ED, today I am choosing recovery over you.

Update

Well, it has been a bit since I wrote.  Life has been pretty busy.  I've gone to Florida, Illinois, and Yellowstone.  Days off in between have been packed with appointments or friends.  Work has been mostly good.

That isn't to say that life is always great.

There are things I'm struggling with.  Progress seems to be one step forward, two (or three or four or five, etc) steps back.  I am hopeful that one day I'll be able to look back and see how much progress I've made.  In all honesty, my eating recovery seems to be moving ever so slowly.  Each week is an attempt at small changes.  Trying to give up restrictive thinking.

In general, I have more energy and life these days.  I seem to have leveled out as far as that goes, and honestly not quite where I'd like to be but am working on a lot of self care and prioritizing my alone time, reading, meditation, getting eight hours of sleep, etc.

As far as my body image goes, that is up and down.  Mostly down, honestly.  I am constantly consumed with worry about what is going to happen to my body, about what is already happening to it, what people will think about me, etc.  I've decided to take a break from exercising as intentionally.  Instead, if a run fits my schedule, I'll do it.  But I am not going to lose sleep to do it, or miss out on experiences to do it, or isolate myself from friends to do it.  I've been hiking more, which is a far more enjoyable and peaceful way to get movement in.  Not to mention it's incredibly therapeutic!

But I need to learn how to eat apart from exercising away the calories.  That's hard and scary.

So while the last few weeks have been a bit of a "bump in the road," and I have felt like I lost all progress, I'm not letting that stop me from moving on as I would in the past.  Each day is always a step closer to full recovery.  And that is exciting!

One Day at a Time

I happened upon this post about loving my body in my blog archives from 2012.

At what point did I go off the rails?

I don't know if there's a specific time I "got" an eating disorder.  I know that the descent began in 2013 when I dieted and restricted my way to losing weight in a short period.  I know that for a couple of years after that I struggled severely with disordered eating off and on.

I know that it was the fall of 2016 that I finally admitted to myself and to my sister that I had an eating disorder, and had been struggling with it for close to two years.

And I guess it doesn't really matter at what point I went from disordered eating to a full-blown disorder.  But the fact is that I can pinpoint the beginning of the spiral to one specific thing: dieting.  Restricting.  Losing weight rapidly.

That's not to say every person who diets will develop an eating disorder.  But odds are if you have an ED, it probably started with a diet.

I still struggle with the idea of never dieting again.

No more Weight Watchers.  No more Whole30.  No more counting calories.  No more restricting carbs or major food groups.

Letting go of the control.  Facing the fear that I might gain weight and not be able to turn to dieting to quickly lose it.  Each day that I don't step on the scale to monitor the fluctuations.... fearing what is happening to my body even right now in this moment.

And facing head-on all the crap behind WHY this is going on in the first place.

Needless to say, it's extremely overwhelming if I think of it all at once.  So I take it one.day.at.a.time.

One Day at a Time

There is no shame in admitting that you need help.

One of the hardest things I have ever done was finally admitting that I had a problem and that I needed help with it.  We attach shame and stigma to this... something that in all actuality takes great strength.

It's been just over a month since I finally reached out for help.

Thirty-three days in recovery.

Thirty-three long, emotionally-draining, overwhelming days.  Thirty-three days of an uphill climb... sometimes one step forward followed by two steps back.

I'm happy to say that today looks brighter than this day a month ago.  That I can now begin to feel my emotions again, feel a desire to be around people, and actually smile and laugh for real and not just because I'm faking it.  That I now have energy each day when I wake up.  Sure, some days looks better than others, and that's not to say there haven't been some low ones as well.  But at one time most of my days looked dark, and now there seem to be more light ones than dark ones.

So I will keep on keeping on.  One day at a time.

What I wish People Knew

I overheard a conversation recently between co-workers.

It centered around depression.  This particular person, co-worker number 1, was expressing that there was a possibility that he was, in fact, depressed.  So number 2 responded with a sudden, "Research has shown that really, there is no proof that antidepressants work and that the myth of a "happy pill" is just that-- a myth."  Co-worker number 1 begins to make light of people with depression.

Of course, here I was sitting there listening and feeling shame deep down.  Here I had just that very morning taken my very first dose of an antidepressant medication.  A huge, difficult step for me in this journey.

Happy pill?

I have spent the last year and a half solidly depressed.

I have felt insignificant, alone, and worthless.

I have looked in the mirror every day for months and not recognized the face looking back at me.

I have very few things that I actually enjoy doing anymore... in fact, I'm not even sure what I consider to be "fun" anymore.

I have abused my body with extremes of bingeing, starving, over-exercising, restricting, and starting all over again... and literally being unable to stop.

I have spent six months with no energy, no spark, feeling stuck in a hole so, so deep I could see no way out.  

I have lived with insomnia that could drive a person crazy.

And you think it's about a happy pill?

I could have screamed in that moment.  Because I'm not looking for a happy pill to fix my problems. I have been hanging onto whatever hope I have left to get through this-- hoping against all hope that along with therapy, perhaps an antidepressant might just help me have a little bit of light in my eyes again... a little bit of energy to spend with friends... a little bit of "me" back again.

As I have mentioned frequently, I have been struggling with an eating disorder.  Would you look at me and guess that?  No.  Because I'm not super thin, nor am I really even overweight, I slide by as someone who just really, really loves food but also really, really loves health and fitness.

The truth is, both of those things have become something I am enslaved to.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I will be working with an eating disorder center starting in a few weeks for help with this to determine what exactly is going on.  I think there are varying aspects to my eating disorder but I'm not really sure what they are, but I've most closely narrowed it down to binge eating as far as I can tell.  Binge eating disorder is characterized by (source: nationaleatingdisorders.org):

• Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following: 
• Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances.
• A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
• The binge eating episodes are associated with three (or more) of the following: 
• Eating much more rapidly than normal.
• Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.
• Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry.
• Eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating.
• Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterward.
• Marked distress regarding binge eating is present.
• The binge eating occurs, on average, at least once a week for 3 months.
• The binge eating is not associated with the recurrent use of inappropriate compensatory behaviors (e.g., purging) as in bulimia nervosa and does not occur exclusively during the course of bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa

I am not sure exactly when I can pinpoint that this actually began.  Looking back over my life, I seem to have had periodic episodes from anorexia, to extreme restriction, to bingeing and overexercising, and body dysmorphia.  Eating has never really been... normal.  At least not since I was fifteen years old.  I have begun reading through old journals and found some pretty heartbreaking entries in relation to my dieting, exercising, and body image mentality.  I didn't realize just how deep a lot of this goes.

It's difficult, because I know that at times when I've opened up to people about this, they don't take it seriously.  I look healthy enough.  I don't ever gain more than 10 or 15 pounds.  Never mind that my weight has fluctuated up and down nonstop for the past several years.  It's kind of the attitude of, "Oh. You struggle with overeating. Join the club."  Cue the eye roll.

God I wish it was that simple.  I wish that was all it was.

Right now, I don't see a way out of my struggle in that particular area.  It has been a vicious cycle for too long now.  I'll think I'm in the clear, think I've overcome it... only to crash and burn in the worst way and be starting from scratch all over again.  That's why I'm reaching out for help specifically in that area.  It's hard being almost thirty years old and this STILL being an issue.  It's embarrassing.  But I don't want to be forty, of fifty, or sixty and STILL be dealing with this so severely.  I've seen what that looks like.  Seen the life that eating disorders steal from people.  And I want my life back.

Depression.

Yes, depression.  Writing that and acknowledging it feels so strange to me.

I realized today that possibly one reason I haven't acknowledged this fact is that I'm not exactly... sad.  Mostly I feel nothing.  Nothing but tired, fatigued, and zero energy 95% of the time.  My mind feels muddled and struggles to concentrate.... which has made everyday tasks seem insurmountable at times.  My insomnia hangs on, which only exacerbates things.

From the outside looking in, my life looks awesome.  It really does.  I have received comments about all the exciting and amazing things I do.  And it's hard because what people don't see is that most of the time when I'm NOT doing those things (which are actually extremely far and few between... and honestly, are only ever half-enjoyed), I spend most of my time home.  Alone.  Unable to reach out to anyone.  Sometimes I go for a run or to the gym.  Most of the time I am simply laying around not doing much of anything but watching Netflix.  Sadly, the Office and Parks and Rec are my friends these days.

How do you explain to people what you're really going through?  I kept it hidden from even my closest friends and family for so long.  Even the ones that knew bits and pieces weren't getting it all, because who wants to keep listening to the same crap over and over?

That's why I finally reached out and am getting into therapy.  It's been a long time coming.  And I can finally admit that I NEED HELP.

And even though I still feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water, I finally have a small flicker of hope.  Hope to overcome.  Hope to live fully.  Hope for healing relationships and re-building bridges.  I know tomorrow may not feel quite this bright, but for today I am thankful for the small light that just might be at the end of this tunnel.

It's Time.

Life, man...

Do you ever just wish you could get a do-over?

I have been struggling.  STRUGGLING.  And for the first time in my life, I finally have had the courage to reach out for help.

I haven't been there for people in my life because of what I've been going through... I know how to self-sabotage, push people away, be hurtful, and keep myself away from the world because of this.  My mind has been in a very dark, sad place for too long.  It is time for me to recognize my problems as what they are-- I am struggling with mental health problems and I can't do it alone anymore.

I need prayer, because right now I simply can't pray.  My prayers come in the form of tears and pleas these days, and silence is my answer.

I know this sounds like I'm in an acute crisis and I'm not... I am not suicidal so please don't interpret this as a call for help in that way.  I simply want to shed light on where I'm at and where I've been.  Maybe it's tacky and strange to post this on a blog, but honestly I don't really care.  I want to be heard, and even if putting this out on a blog post that won't be read by many can alleviate some of that, then it's worth it to me.

Thirty.  Thirty is a milestone.  I want thirty to kick depression and binge eating disorder in the balls.  I want to overcome this and I want to live fully again.  I am tired.

Thoughts, Thoughts, and More Thoughts

Well, I can't seem to figure out a good way to keep this blog going.  I guess we will just go back to the tried-and- true, write when I have time and inspiration to post.  And that's ok!

I shared recently some of my struggles over the fall and winter with eating disorders, anxiety, and depression.  The weight gain that came with it, that seemed to perpetuate the cycle even more.  Binge, gain weight, feel depressed about gained weight.  Anxiety attack, then another binge, and so on and so forth.  It.Was.Miserable.  It was happening probably 2-4 times per week by the time November rolled around.  It was really hard.

I'm in a much better place now, although yes there are still days it can be a struggle.  Because I look at how others live their lives, seemingly unaffected by the choices they make from one meal to the next, and I feel like that is a struggle I may never get over.

I know I have never been obese.  Overweight, yes.  But obese, no.  I realize I don't understand what it's like to be a fat person in our society.  But I know what it's like to feel trapped in your body, trapped in your mind, and unable to break free of the cycle of hating your body-- and both hating and loving food because of what it does to and for you.  This thing that I literally rely on for survival is also my greatest enemy.  Drug addictions may be worse in other ways, but food addiction?  You can never get away from your addiction, not really.  You can't "not eat."  Before you say food addiction is not real, tread carefully.  Because there are people who literally think about food night and day, and constantly have to fight the urge to eat and eat and eat.  Looking at me you wouldn't think I've been there, but what you see on the surface isn't always what it looks like.

So while I try and love my body as it is, to appreciate what it is able to do, deep down I still hold tight to the ideal "perfect body" that I want to attain.  I do still feel that I won't be truly happy until I have that.  The thing is, I know that isn't true, but it is still somehow the way I feel.  And I've realized recently how much this has hindered me in life.  At times I think, would I be married if I hadn't ever had this struggle?  I always seem to go for guys who value fitness above all else.  Perhaps because I myself am shallow in that way, but then I put those same expectations on myself as well to be perfect.  So instead of finding someone who really, truly thinks I am perfect as I am... well, I find the ones who seem to value perfect bodies above all.  *sigh*

Catch my drift?  I'm kind of a mess to be honest.  I'm 29 years old and still trying to figure it all out.  Maybe there's a reason for it, I don't know.  The thing is, I don't want my 30s to be defined by this.  I feel that my 20s has been plagued by constant hatred of myself and who I am, what I look like.  And while I'm entering my 30s much more confident than I was 10 years ago (thank goodness!) I still feel as though... I don't know.  I feel like I should be much farther along in that area.  While my friends are all mostly married, and raising their children and going about their happy suburban lives, I feel stuck in this phase of my life like I am never going to get out of it.  And when I think I'm close, I just fall back into the same cycle again and again.

This has been probably the most disorganized post ever, but somehow it feels good to write this down and put it out there.  Maybe someone else knows how I feel right now.  Or maybe you're just reading this thinking, "Get a grip, Natalie, there are more important things to worry about!"  Well, you are not walking in my shoes, and I'm not walking in yours.  This is my journey and I'm just doing the best I can right now.

"And when the peace turns to danger; the nights are longer than days.  And every friend has a stranger's face... Then deep within the dungeon cell you have to make a choice.  Rejoice"

-Andrew Peterson

I don't even know where to begin, honestly.

I've shared bits and pieces very vaguely about what a struggle these recent months have been.

I have felt... well, to be quite honest, I have felt nothing for a long time.

Only in these last few weeks by the grace of God placing people in my life, have I begun to feel a small glimmer of hope.

The brief moments of reprieve came here and there, but it was never long before I had to retreat back into my cave, away from the very things I needed: friendships, community.  I stopped being able to handle even very basic things like cleaning or cooking a simple meal.  Taking care of myself became a struggle.

I can't even place into words what is going on in my heart tonight.  It has been so long since I have really felt anything, and these last few weeks of whatever this is (softening?) have slowly opened me up to friendships and vulnerability and letting people see just how raw and ugly my soul is.  I have wanted people to think I am ok, and from the outside nobody could have known what a struggle was going on.  I have been going through a period of depression and extreme anxiety, and on top of that an eating disorder.

By no means am I "on the other side."  That isn't going to happen overnight.  I know that I need help for where I am.  And I am finally in a place where I can seek that help.

This has been one shit hole of a year.  I am not going to even try to sugarcoat that.  It's looked like a great year from the outside looking in, what with all the trips and races and whatnot.

If you ask me why or what has caused this, I don't know.

All I know is I can't do it alone.  And I'm not alone anymore.

I want to share more of my journey with you here, and I plan on doing just that.

I've gained weight.

It's a fact and... It's ok.  A couple of months ago the thought made me cry.  Every bad thing I thought about myself came rushing to the surface because of the simple fact that I have put on a few pounds.

To me, the weight gain screamed to the world what a failure I was.  How out of shape I was, despite actually being in great shape-- just perhaps not aesthetically so.  How could I hate myself so much after talking so much about learning to love my body in all its flaws?

And all of that was true, of course.  But in a way, it is a little easier to love your body when your weight is a good 20 pounds below where you once were.  It's much harder when your body is slowly creeping its way back to where it once was.  Especially when that comes as a result of depression and loneliness.  Not necessarily unhappiness... because really... I can't say I'm completely unhappy in my life, even though I'm struggling with depression.  Does that make any sense??

Sometimes it is almost the thought of how others perceive me now that I'm here that has kept me down.  Before I went to Florida a few weeks ago, I felt absolutely mortified to think of my friends and family seeing me like this.  I actually attempted several times to lose weight before my trip, which only backfired on me.  How could I show my face, after finishing a 70.3 triathlon and running all summer to train for a marathon, and be heavier than I was the last time they had seen me?  Honestly, I felt embarrassed.

I don't feel embarrassed anymore.  I don't feel ashamed of it.  Can I say I love it?  Hell no.  But yesterday I did something in the arena of "self care:" I bought myself some nice, cute, and yes-- expensive (to me) clothes that fit.  I bought jewelry and new sunglasses.  No more hiding in t-shirts and workout clothes, because that's what I've been doing.  I'm tired of it.  I once had a wardrobe full of beautiful, flattering outfits.  When I lost weight I gave it all away.  As I've slowly rebuilt my wardrobe, I never really thought about the fact that staying at that weight might be a struggle, and one that wasn't really worth it.  And so I'm not going to be hiding myself in outfits that I don't even like, while I work hard to fit back into outfits that might fit me for a month or two.

If I'm able to once again fit into those clothes, so be it.  But the truth is, I'm exhausted.  I am close to complete burn-out with my training and I don't want to get there.  I want to keep loving fitness.  I want to enjoy food once again without guilt and without worrying about what it will do to my waistline.  I want to go for a run and not care about how slow or fast I was or how many miles I got in that day.  I want to just be.

I've been struggling lately.

I had a moment last night that really threw me into sadness I can't seem to climb out of, even this morning.  I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook last night and came upon a video that was "liked" by one of my friends.  It was a wedding reception, where a groom and his groomsmen put on a choreographed dance for the bride.  I'm a sucker for these kinds of things, so naturally I watched it.

As I watched it, I suddenly became overcome with sadness.  Yes, sadness for myself and for what I don't have. I get it, it's silly to let something so simple have such control over my emotions.  But to be honest, I have been having a really hard time with being single for the past few months.  A hard time with a lot of things, to be honest.

I'm depressed, and I don't even have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  I've fallen back into old habits of disordered eating, struggling with my self-worth and body image, and simply hoping that these things will just go away on their own rather than actually doing something about them.  I feel stuck.  This week I have taken a complete break from running because between that and my disordered eating, I have not been taking care of my body.  I needed the mental break.  And I feel like a complete failure for this, after all the training and all I have accomplished in my fitness.

I am discouraged and sad about being single, and feeling like I will never meet a man who will love me with all of my flaws, struggles, and awkwardness, along with all the wonderful things I know I have to offer in a relationship.  I dated a guy long-distance for a couple months this past spring.  We hit it off really well on our first conversation.  Had so much in common.  Skyped pretty often, and finally got to spend a weekend together at the beginning of June.  And I think he met me and was completely disappointed and not interested at all anymore.  While I thought we got along well and had fun, I could tell that he simply wasn't feeling it.  I pretty much was ghosted after that weekend.

And honestly, ever since then I have just been so discouraged and sad.

Another Day

I definitely have had a most encouraging day today... something I definitely needed.  I'm still sad, of course, and still very emotionally drained.

I forgot to post about my latest results with the gym!  I weighed in last week and as I suspected, I actually put on some weight.  But my body fat percentage has dropped over two points (which would explain my cycle being off) and I've put on six pounds of muscle while losing two pounds of fat.  I could hardly believe that.  At this point, I'm thinking-- screw skinny!  I want to be stronger!

Now I'm taking it all with a grain of salt, because not every month will look like that.  I already feel the numbers game creeping up on me, but the numbers on the scale no longer mean nearly as much to me and that in and of itself is a huge freedom.  I've discovered that even if I perhaps "slip up" and am not as healthy in my eating habits, that I don't beat myself up about it.  In a lot of my research, eating a lot is very important when you are trying to build muscle.  So I feel that even if it means not losing unwanted weight, it most certainly will help with gaining the good kind.  Those numbers are much easier to deal with if you ask me.

Eventually I do want to work toward losing fat, but I've decided right now gaining muscle is my priority.  In fact it is the best way to increase your metabolism so that losing fat is possible.  I'm in it for the long haul.  Not looking for overnight results.  My trainer put together a meal plan for me that I was so tempted to throw back in her face.  Full of foods I don't care to eat, along with fake sweeteners, processed carbs, and almost all low-fat or fat-free items.  Sadly I am probably going to end up BS-ing that part.  I don't want to seem like I'm fighting against her, because she really is an awesome trainer.  But I have done plenty of my own research in nutrition, not to mention I consult with my sister who happens to be studying as a dietitian and is in her internship now.

Anyway.  As far as how I'm doing, well I'm ok.  Like I said, I'm definitely sad... I have peace, but I am sad and I am pretty lonely as well.  I've pretty much been pouring my time into staying busy as much as possible with running, working out, friends, reading.  I have picked up reading the Harry Potter books again, which is always a good world to get lost in when you are sad.  I know that there will be brighter days ahead, so I will keep on keeping on over here.

Heartbreak

I really do know how to set myself back.  I am in dire need of a reset of some sort.

I still haven't decided if I simply know my limits in a relationship, or if I really know how to sabotage something really good.  Something real.

Either way, I'm back to square one.

And I just want a break.

I am tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  My life is very full, it is very good.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a good job, I have wonderful friends, I have my health and my fitness.  I have what I need along with many things I don't need.  And while I don't look for a man to fulfill everything in my life, I am ready for someone who can complement the life that I have.  Someone who can make it better... who can make me better, and vice versa.

I have a feeling that I have given up that chance, at least for a long time.  I certainly don't get over people easily, and I don't move on easily.

I don't really know what the next step for me is.  I suppose for now, just putting one foot in front of the other.  I think of Sleepless in Seattle when Sam is still reeling over his loss.  "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long.  Then after awhile I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and then after awhile I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for awhile."  That's what I'm gonna do.

I have peace... but right now I don't have joy about it.  And that's ok.  I'm going to let myself be sad.