Just some thoughts

"Dance feminine, glance feminine, act and sigh feminine
Compliment his masculinity, that's what every girl should know
If she wants to find a beau."

I had my ipod on shuffle today and that song came on- it's a little Disney song called "Femininity" and the girl singing it is Hayley Mills. I found it rather amusing so decided to share a bit of it. I'm guessing it's from the '60s, since that's around the time she acted in movies. It actually kind of got me thinking about the concept of femininity- which is something I believe has become obsolete in today's society. It is interesting to me that the feminist movement has done nothing but deprived women of our femininity- "I can do anything a man can do!" Hmm. I don't think I can do anything a man can do. Sure, I can have a career, and make money and be successful. I can even be President of the United States. But I'm physically weaker than men (well, most of them...), I have crazy mood swings every month, I can have babies, etc... so I think that makes us different. To say there is no difference between the sexes- I think that this frustrates me more than anything. Why are there two *different* sexes if there is no difference? Heck if there isn't a difference let's just do away with having men and women competing separately in the Olympics or any sports arena- wonder who'll come out on top. Anyway. I'm not really in the mood to elaborate on anything right now because I really don't have anything close to intelligent to say, and I think I have posted on this subject before. Just something I was thinking about today. So if you have any opinions feel free to share them.

I have been too lazy this weekend. If there is nothing pressing due in the next week, it is so easy to let things go. I should be getting ahead on work!

I'll be going to CFC again tomorrow- by myself. :( Hopefully I'll run into Melissa again, or someone. None of this sitting-in-church-by-myself awkwardness! I'll let ya know how it goes. ;) Have a good Super Bowl weekend everyone! (Now who's playing again??)

Just finished our last OB/Peds lecture for the semester. We also had our first peds quiz today, and it was much easier than I expected. So, at least I have been able to start the semester off on a good foot. I just hope I can keep it up! I'm really enjoying it. I kind of think I might want to be a peds nurse. I was dead-set against it when I first came into the program, because everyone and their grandma wants to be a peds nurse. However, clinical has so far been amazing, and I just love it. Getting barfed on hasn't even deterred me. We'll see though. I haven't had a kid who screamed a lot, however I have dealt with kids like that in the real world so I'm pretty sure I can take it.

Yay for Fridays. I have learned to appreciate it when I don't have as much going on. Super Bowl is this Sunday, and I actually think I'm going to watch it. Last year I was studying at the library the whole night- life is so different now! I can't wait until I don't have to study at all. I know that nursing is a continuous learning process, but it just won't be the same as having to come home every night and study for hours, being tested on what you know constantly. I know there is some of that, but can it really be as bad? However, the stress of school gets replaced with the stress of dealing with big mean doctors.

Well, I'm at the school library and really need to be getting home, so I'm going to be going.

Prayer by Billy Graham

Got this through e-mail and thought it was worth sharing.

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!"
-Billy Graham

I don't have to get up early tomorrow :)

Weekends are wonderful. Even more wonderful, knowing that I don't have to wake up dark and early Monday morning. Even if I have to study all day, it's not as bad as actually having to drive to school and sit through eight hours of lecture. No, I'm done with that! :) We will now only have lectures on Thursdays for our leadership class- we are basically finished with lectures for OB/Peds, although we have to make up some lost time this Friday because none of us could make it through one day. I just realized today that I have less than a month to midterms. I'm going to make it my goal to study, or at least read, every single day so that I don't get behind and feel like I'm cramming. How I hate cramming!

Tonight as I was walking into Target, I saw a young couple with their little girl, running to their car together, just laughing. It was so cute and just made me smile. It's not often you see parents playing with their children as if they are children themselves. Most of the time you see them yelling at their kids and telling them to shut up- which I also saw tonight at Target. I hope I can be a young-at-heart mom.

I went to CFC again today. It was good. I actually went by myself, and while I walked in I felt so awkward. It is a great church, but I have learned why so many people hate church. Nobody talks to you! I walked past hundreds of people, sat down, and nobody went out of their way to talk to me. I have never experienced that before! Thankfully, I turned around during the greeting and Melissa was sitting behind me! I was glad to run into someone I know. On the way in I was just praying that I would run into someone I know, but it didn't happen until then. I suppose I should probably try out Sunday school there, because I was thinking how I won't ever get to know anybody if I just show up at the service where no one talks to me anyway. This isn't to say that I can't make the effort, but it is a little intimidating when you are around hundreds of people you've never met, to just strike up a conversation with a group of people. Or maybe that's just me who feels that way?

Hung out with Amanda and Tricia tonight, and watched Lion King. We decided that we were going to watch a Disney movie, and it brought back some great memories. I miss the 90s. We realized that the movie is about 14 years old- definitely means I'm getting old. I still think of that one as one of the more "recent" Disney movies, as opposed to Little Mermaid- which is now almost 20 years old! It's amazing that I so vividly remember Little Mermaid as a little kid, because I was barely three when we got it. I think the 90's was the best time ever. This week we were watching old videos from our childhood, and it amazes me how much things have changed in my lifetime. I'm not old (not really), and yet we live in a completely different world now! Who would ever have dreamed up HD, ipods, dvds or blue-ray (or however you spell that), everybody down to 10 year olds carrying cell phones, wireless internet, etc... things that I don't even think twice about having but at some point in my life these things didn't exist. I remember when it was cool to have a cd player.

Ok, starting to get way too random so I'll be going. And I need to go to bed. I meant to study more tonight, but looks like that's not gonna happen. Good night!

Another long day of classes. Tomorrow is the last prolonged day of it, and after that we mainly have our clinical and then just one leadership class per week to go to. I will look forward to being able to sleep in more mornings- however I will really need to manage my time well. Already I have done poorly at that. I have barely studied since the semester began.

Had a conversation with a few friends over lunch at Chick Fil A today. I feel discouraged. Have you ever sat with a group of people and felt spiritually inferior... even spiritually drained? We jump right into a conversation about prayer, leading Bible studies, Christianity, and various spiritual issues, and never once do we think to ask each other how we are doing in our own walk with Christ. We discuss leading a study together, yet we don't stop to evaluate how we are doing in our walk. I feel like I'm wading through the crap of my own insecurities and sinfulness, while everyone else has somehow mastered their flesh and come out victorious. I know that they are likely feeling the same way as me- but what happened to being real with one another? I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the pretenses that exist in of so much of the church today. Do we really wonder why so many fall away? I get sick of pretending like my life is perfect, but I feel like that's what I need to do when I go to church.

Melissa has been home this week, and it's been fun. She leaves on Saturday, and I feel like I haven't seen her much due to classes. I'm hoping she'll be around tonight.

Did you watch the inauguration this week? I didn't. I know I would have had I been home, so I was actually glad I had a reason that I couldn't watch it. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have stomached it- and I'm sorry if you disagree with me but it literally makes me sick to think of what the next four years will be like. But what makes me sicker, and probably always will be so, is the masses of people following after one man- a man!! And maybe it won't be that way after reality sets in for many, but right now it just sickens me. We're heading down the path of socialism, and while we may not make it there in the next 4 years, it will happen.

There ya have it.

3 Day Weekend

I have had a great weekend in Orlando, and I don't want it to end. I'm not ready to go back to early mornings and long hours of lectures- but the worst is almost behind me- at least concerning the schedule. I do need to really buckle down with studying.

I got here Friday evening and hung out at Allison's. Saturday we picked up Hannah and John and went to Downtown Disney for a few hours. We just walked around and looked in the stores. Of course none of us had money for anything there, and anyway what is the fun in buying Disney stuff when you aren't even going to Disney World? I need to make a trip out to Magic Kingdom sometime for a day. It has been two years now. I'm one of those people who won't ever be too old to go to Disney World and enjoy it like a little kid! :) Anyway, we had fun just walking around. We pretty much bummed around the rest of the day, and yesterday Allison, Melissa, and I went to Allison's church. Then Hannah, Mom, and John came over for the evening and ate supper with us. And now today I have to go home. :( Why does life have to suck all the time? Some day I just want to enjoy life- I feel like I don't enjoy it. I guess I could put on a facade that life is fine and dandy, but it really isn't.

School this semester has been pretty good, really. Yeah, the lectures have been long (we went six hours on Friday), but honestly it's a lot more "fun" material than anything we studied last semester. Adult health is anything but boring, but I wouldn't exactly describe it as fun either. It was the level of difficulty that kept it from being fun. I do really need to crack down on studying now though. After coming home from long hours, the last thing I have wanted to do is study, so I haven't. But that's ending now and I really need to get on top of things. I'm not going to get complacent this semester. No cramming for me!

Melissa will be coming home for a few days this week. Yeah! She hasn't been home for over a year. Last year when she flew in for Allison's graduation she just stayed in Orlando the whole time because it was much easier that way. So I'm glad she'll get to see more people this time. She's here for longer anyway.

Six and a half months, and I graduate. *sigh* I can't wait. A job, a salary, my own place, and maybe even an actual life to go with it? Sounds wonderful! Just gotta keep working towards that.

School

Half-way through another week! I had two days of clinical this week- one on the floor and one in the Peds ER. ER was really boring. My teacher warned us that the nurses there really don't like students, and she wasn't kidding. I will never let myself get to that point as a nurse where I treat students like they are stupid. Everyone had to be a student at some point in their lives! We all have to start somewhere.

So yes, pediatrics is really cool. I didn't think I would enjoy it, but I really do. I'm actually considering it now, although we'll see how I feel in seven weeks when I finish the rotation. I have to say that this semester is a completely different experience than last semester. It is so much more relaxed. Not necessarily easier, but just not as stressful.

Before I went inside I was looking at my name badge that, and I noticed something- my face was really round last year! It's not really that big of a difference, but I was actually pleased to see some of that baby fat is gone. I have a pink face and sometimes I think I look a lot younger than I really am, although I do get people thinking I'm really old because of my height. Anyway, just something interesting I noticed. You don't really think you can change much in a year. Something else I've noticed- I'm starting to get lines around my eyes! Isn't that supposed to happen a lot later?! I'm 21!! I guess aging is quite unavoidable, why not just get it over with? ;)

I've recently started car pooling with a girl in my class who also lives on this side of town, which has been awesome. I have never really gotten a chance to get to know her, and now I'm so happy because as a result I'm making a new friend. In a year and a half in this program there are so many people I haven't gotten a chance to get to know. That's what has been so neat to me about having switched to completely new clinical groups twice now (which has never been intentional, but happened by chance). People I might never have talked to simply because our paths never crossed, I'm now good friends with. Imagine if we always got to stay in our comfort zone.

This weekend I'm going to Orlando!!! I'm so happy to get away. Melissa will be down there also because she is in a wedding, so I'll get to see her. :) It will be fun.

So, yes. One week of school finished. About fifteen more to go! If you really think about it, that's not all that long. I'm pleased to say that I will be officially finished with the semester on April 20, giving me a three week break in between semesters. I'm so thankful for that. It will be my last break.

This week was so long! We had something every day all day, and it was so tiring. But it's only for the first couple of weeks so I can stand it if I know that. The rest of the semester really shouldn't be as bad as last. So far I don't even really have anything I have to do. I will try to get some reading done tonight though, because that would probably be a good idea before clinical on Tuesday.

We had our orientation yesterday at the children's hospital, and I'm now so excited for clinical. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Our instructor is pretty strict with assignments and expectations, but I think that will be a good thing. She is really nice and makes you feel like you can do it.

So last night I watched TV while I fell asleep, and came across Dateline. They were talking about the Mormon church. Two Mormon elders were being interviewed, basically to publicly state that the Mormon church is not affiliated with the polygamist Mormons. The documentary went through a Mormon temple and talked about a lot of Mormon rituals, and then some that are "secret." It was so weird! I really didn't know how cult-ish Mormons are. I have always been told that they are like a cult, but honestly had no idea why. It was interesting.

I will be going to CFC again tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. It's really odd knowing tomorrow is Sunday and I won't be going to "my" church.

Not much else to say- so goodbye for now.

Tired

It's been a good (but very long) week. I'm about to go to an orientation at the hospital and then a four-hour lecture afterwards. They have been front-loading all of our lectures, which has been interesting. It kind of scares me because they then expect us to be more "competent" as a result in the clinical setting. We'll see...

Early mornings are getting to me. I'm used to them, yes, but not after three weeks of pure laziness and sleeping in late every day. But now it's back to reality which includes waking up in the five o'clock hour every day. After these first two weeks I will have much more sleeping time- yay!!

More later.

School

I'm back to school now. It's really not so bad- yet. We have classes all day every day for the first two weeks, and then after that the schedule shouldn't be horrible. It is so hard to sit through those long lectures though- I need more caffeine! I'm trying to be dilligent and get ahead on reading tonight, but I'm not being too successful with that one yet.

We have mainly had peds lecture and preclinicals so far. Preclinical is basically a lecture that prepares you for the clinical experience so you aren't blindsided your first day in there. I'm hoping that after adult health I won't feel too surprised by anything, but you never know! I really want to enjoy this semester, and I'm going to do my best to do just that. If you read posts from the beginning of fall semester, I said the same thing. Reading on you can see the progression of my insanity. Hopefully this one will not be like that.

We started back up in BSF last night. I'm really hoping I can stick with it. I feel like my heart just isn't in it anymore. Speaking of which, I tried out a different church on Sunday. I have never done that before. Seventeen years of your life at the same church will do that. But I will probably try it out for a month or two and see how it goes. I didn't just want to go one time and then make my own assumptions about it. This church is a very solid, reformed church, so I have no qualms with their theology. I just have a really hard time fitting in new places, and I guess I'm really scared about starting over somewhere new where people don't know me. Church can be the most intimidating place ever when you don't know anyone. Goes to show you why some people go to church once and never go back again.

Well, I really should be diligent and attempt to go back to my readings. I really don't want to at all, but I gotta try and maybe I'll accomplish something tonight.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. I'm already allowing myself to obsessively worry over the semester, and I know I shouldn't. I have a stress headache now because I can't stop worrying about it. I know that this will not be the worst semester ever- but I can't stop worrying. Obviously there is a pattern in my life... WORRY and inability to turn things over to God because I like to think I can handle it myself.

The next two weeks will be crazy. They front-load all of our lectures so we pretty much are constantly in either class or clinicals for the first two or three weeks solid. We'll see how it goes. Tomorrow I'm in class from 8:00 until 5:00. Won't that be fun?? But it will be.

What is wrong with me?! I nearly fail adult health, and in the end I was more than thankful to be finished- and now I'm scared to death to go back. I have lost confidence in myself.

Beginning

I’m starting to have a panic attack about this semester. Don’t ask why. There is no logical reason for me to feel so overwhelmed with it, but I started looking through our syllabus online and started to panic. I just got through the semester from hell, and I’m worried about this? I don’t get it.

I took med dose calc on Friday, and passed. I have never felt quite that anxious about med dose calc. Adult health has taken away every ounce of confidence I ever had in myself. Not really, but it has definitely shaken that confidence a lot. I drove up to the school to take the test, and had already been second-guessing myself before I left. I started to turn into the parking garage and almost turned around to come home because I was so sure I wouldn’t pass the test! But I made myself go in there and do it anyway because I really didn’t want to have to worry about studying for it this weekend.

I was thinking tonight, how easily we give up on ourselves in life. Or, rather, how easily I give up on myself. I took one of those dumb surveys about 2008 on myspace (ok, I’m really lame) and one question was what was the best decision I made this past year? And when I thought about it, it came down to me not giving up on myself in October. What would the ramifications have been had I given up? I would have failed for sure. I wouldn’t be going back on Monday to join my class. It really hit me that my first instinct was to give up, and it was only at the urging of my mom that I even was able to pick myself up and keep going. I could have rolled up in a ball under the covers for the rest of the semester and been completely happy doing that- because that’s how I tend to deal with life when it comes at me from all directions. I throw the towel in too easily.

So, it is a new year. I decided that this year I’m not making resolutions. Do I have goals? For sure, but none of them are triggered by the fact that it is a new year- they are just things such as graduating college, passing the NCLEX, etc… goals that come with the next phase I’m about to go through. But being a new year, I do have to say I love new beginnings (now change, I’m not so sure about…). It’s like the feeling of waking up in the morning after you had a really crappy day, and you know that you get a fresh start. I can look at things from a different perspective, because it’s not 2008 anymore. I can close the book on that one. That hard year is over, and a new one has begun. I pray that this one will be better. Bela and I were talking the other day, and both of us feel like this is going to be a really exciting year- and not just because of graduation. I feel like there will be something really significant about this year, and I can’t wait to see what it is!

As always, God was faithful in 2008. I’d like to be able to say that it was the best year ever, and although it ended well, I can’t say that. It was a really hard year, for a lot of reasons. It was also a good year, because there are always good things even during hard times. But I am happy to move on to something new.