2016 has been an odd year.  One I won't be too sorry to leave behind, and I hate that I feel that way.  To look at an entire year and paint it with one broad brush of "Terrible" or "Amazing."

The truth is, 2016 has been lots of things.  Not just bad.  A lot of good things happened this year.  But I come to the end of this year feeling beaten down, weary, and ready for some sort of new beginning.

I suppose what it comes down to is I worked really hard and reached many goals this year.  And I stop and wonder, for what?  Sure, marking things off a bucket list feels good.  But to what end?  I have done nothing for my fellow man.  Nothing to help others.  Granted, I realize my career does help others, but even that has ceased to fulfill me in the way it once did.  I have lived selfishly and not cared for those around me.  I have invested very little into cultivating friendship and community.  I have simply existed, going from one day to the next.

I am looking for ways that I can look outside of myself and help others.  Make new friends, cultivate real and authentic relationships with people.  Isolation simply begets more depression and anxiety, which leads to more isolation.  I am done with that life, and I want to learn how to get beyond it.

"And when the peace turns to danger; the nights are longer than days.  And every friend has a stranger's face... Then deep within the dungeon cell you have to make a choice.  Rejoice"

-Andrew Peterson

I don't even know where to begin, honestly.

I've shared bits and pieces very vaguely about what a struggle these recent months have been.

I have felt... well, to be quite honest, I have felt nothing for a long time.

Only in these last few weeks by the grace of God placing people in my life, have I begun to feel a small glimmer of hope.

The brief moments of reprieve came here and there, but it was never long before I had to retreat back into my cave, away from the very things I needed: friendships, community.  I stopped being able to handle even very basic things like cleaning or cooking a simple meal.  Taking care of myself became a struggle.

I can't even place into words what is going on in my heart tonight.  It has been so long since I have really felt anything, and these last few weeks of whatever this is (softening?) have slowly opened me up to friendships and vulnerability and letting people see just how raw and ugly my soul is.  I have wanted people to think I am ok, and from the outside nobody could have known what a struggle was going on.  I have been going through a period of depression and extreme anxiety, and on top of that an eating disorder.

By no means am I "on the other side."  That isn't going to happen overnight.  I know that I need help for where I am.  And I am finally in a place where I can seek that help.

This has been one shit hole of a year.  I am not going to even try to sugarcoat that.  It's looked like a great year from the outside looking in, what with all the trips and races and whatnot.

If you ask me why or what has caused this, I don't know.

All I know is I can't do it alone.  And I'm not alone anymore.

I want to share more of my journey with you here, and I plan on doing just that.

Marathon: Finished!

26.2

That's how many miles I ran yesterday!  I can finally, officially say I am a marathon finisher!  My final time was 04:41:57.  While I was hoping to break 4:30, I am still happy and proud of my race!

It was a beautiful course in Leavenworth, Washington.  There were many times I found myself wishing I was able to just stop and take in the view and the beautiful fall colors.  On top of that, there are all sorts of trails in the area and I was just too sore to even think about hiking any of them today!

It was a hard race, for sure.  I always heard about "the wall" from everyone who has done a marathon.  That inevitable point when your glycogen stores are completely depleted, and all logical thinking goes out the window as all you want to do is stop running.  Many people say this often happens at mile 18.  And I did hit it then, losing my pace and realizing I still had eight miles to go.  But after a couple of miles I was somehow able to rally and pick up the pace once again.

Of course, I was still exhausted and tired and ready to be done.  But I knew I was still doing ok.  Then mile 24 hit.  Everything hurt.  I was slowing down and I couldn't bring my pace up at all.  I started finding myself fighting back tears.  I wanted to walk.  I knew if I walked I would not start running again.  I started trying to think of anything and everything to distract myself and nothing worked.  My body was screaming at me to stop.  The only thing that kept me going anymore was knowing that I would be so pissed at myself, after all my training, if I gave up then and there.

That finish line was a beautiful and most welcome sight.  I wanted to cry, although I didn't.  My friends were there to celebrate for a short while, but one of them wasn't feeling well so they left pretty quickly.  Races are often anticlimactic, but I was ok with it.  I trained for this marathon by myself, and I was happy with the satisfaction of finishing what I started.  Even when I reached burn-out while training, dealt with fatigue, worked long hours... I didn't give up.

Of course, we all went out later on for Oktoberfest in Leavenworth, and that was celebration enough!

I read recently an athlete who said always, always give it 100%.  And be ok with the fact that sometimes today's 100% is maybe not as strong as what 100% was a week ago, or a month ago or a year ago.  I gave yesterday my 100%.  I am happy and proud of the work I put in.

And I am ready for a training break... for a little while, at least!  :)

I've gained weight.

It's a fact and... It's ok.  A couple of months ago the thought made me cry.  Every bad thing I thought about myself came rushing to the surface because of the simple fact that I have put on a few pounds.

To me, the weight gain screamed to the world what a failure I was.  How out of shape I was, despite actually being in great shape-- just perhaps not aesthetically so.  How could I hate myself so much after talking so much about learning to love my body in all its flaws?

And all of that was true, of course.  But in a way, it is a little easier to love your body when your weight is a good 20 pounds below where you once were.  It's much harder when your body is slowly creeping its way back to where it once was.  Especially when that comes as a result of depression and loneliness.  Not necessarily unhappiness... because really... I can't say I'm completely unhappy in my life, even though I'm struggling with depression.  Does that make any sense??

Sometimes it is almost the thought of how others perceive me now that I'm here that has kept me down.  Before I went to Florida a few weeks ago, I felt absolutely mortified to think of my friends and family seeing me like this.  I actually attempted several times to lose weight before my trip, which only backfired on me.  How could I show my face, after finishing a 70.3 triathlon and running all summer to train for a marathon, and be heavier than I was the last time they had seen me?  Honestly, I felt embarrassed.

I don't feel embarrassed anymore.  I don't feel ashamed of it.  Can I say I love it?  Hell no.  But yesterday I did something in the arena of "self care:" I bought myself some nice, cute, and yes-- expensive (to me) clothes that fit.  I bought jewelry and new sunglasses.  No more hiding in t-shirts and workout clothes, because that's what I've been doing.  I'm tired of it.  I once had a wardrobe full of beautiful, flattering outfits.  When I lost weight I gave it all away.  As I've slowly rebuilt my wardrobe, I never really thought about the fact that staying at that weight might be a struggle, and one that wasn't really worth it.  And so I'm not going to be hiding myself in outfits that I don't even like, while I work hard to fit back into outfits that might fit me for a month or two.

If I'm able to once again fit into those clothes, so be it.  But the truth is, I'm exhausted.  I am close to complete burn-out with my training and I don't want to get there.  I want to keep loving fitness.  I want to enjoy food once again without guilt and without worrying about what it will do to my waistline.  I want to go for a run and not care about how slow or fast I was or how many miles I got in that day.  I want to just be.

Random Musings

Day shift life.  I have to say, it suits me well.  I have pretty much transitioned completely.  I'm happy to say I no longer need to take anything to help me sleep!  Which is a huge victory for me after struggles with insomnia for almost two years.  Since I've been off the sleeping meds, I've noticed my energy levels are much better during the day than they were before.  Yay!

As for an update compared to my last post, I'm doing better than I was then.  Not that I'm past it, but some days are simply better than others.  Taking a break from running was great for my mental health in some ways, but I think when your body is used to those endorphins, it's hard to not have that when they're gone.

Unfortunately this week my right achilles has decided to flare up for no good reason.  Well, maybe training for a marathon is a good reason, but it is extremely frustrating as I now feel I am at a standstill with my training.  I'm currently debating whether or not a long run is even in the books for me tomorrow, which absolutely kills me.  I'm five weeks out from my marathon, and at this point if I'm having to opt out of long runs I'm just not sure this is something that I should continue pursuing for now.  I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.  If the best decision for my body is to take a break--a real, prolonged break-- then I need to swallow my pride and do what is best for my long-term fitness.

There's part of me that feels if I can just push through the next couple weeks, which are the peak of my training, and make it to tapering, then I can worry about this issue after.  I pushed through my left achilles issue for a month during my half IM training, and although I didn't see many gains in my speed during that time, I still was able to finish my race strong.  Do I do that this time around?  I don't know.

This is probably sounding like the silliest problem one can have, but I'm torn because I have trained for 9 weeks since my triathlon, and so to just STOP is really hard.  I'm SO close and have worked so hard.  And so I don't know what I should do.

In other news, on Sunday night I went and watched the Ironman Coeur d'Alene finish line for a couple of hours.  Inspiring!  Seeing the emotion on athletes' faces as they approached the finish line was incredible.  I could relate to it on a small level from my half Ironman.  As I watched them finish, I felt inspired that maybe someday I will do a full Ironman myself.  I don't know when, but I know I want to do one now.  (I know... I know.  I said I would never do it.)

I'm thinking about 2017 and what I want to do as far as races go.  After doing Spartan a few weeks back with friends, I've been asked by them to do a Trifecta next year (do all 3 Spartan races in a calendar year).  And honestly, I don't know what I want to do.  I feel like there are too many options! Do I want to race triathlons?  Marathons?  Half marathons?  Spartan races?

Or do I want to just take 2017 to enjoy life with people.  Go on spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with friends.  Make last-minute travel plans.  Explore more of the PNW as I haven't gotten to do much of this year.  Go on hikes, go camping, backpacking.  Take care of myself.  Work on my relationship with food and my body image.  When I'm "in training" those things are less possible.  They take a back seat to a training regimen.

There's plenty of time to decide of course, but these are all things I am thinking about right now.  On top of that, I'm starting to see my time here in Spokane becoming more limited as I'm not sure what the next step in my life is going to be.

I've been struggling lately.

I had a moment last night that really threw me into sadness I can't seem to climb out of, even this morning.  I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook last night and came upon a video that was "liked" by one of my friends.  It was a wedding reception, where a groom and his groomsmen put on a choreographed dance for the bride.  I'm a sucker for these kinds of things, so naturally I watched it.

As I watched it, I suddenly became overcome with sadness.  Yes, sadness for myself and for what I don't have. I get it, it's silly to let something so simple have such control over my emotions.  But to be honest, I have been having a really hard time with being single for the past few months.  A hard time with a lot of things, to be honest.

I'm depressed, and I don't even have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  I've fallen back into old habits of disordered eating, struggling with my self-worth and body image, and simply hoping that these things will just go away on their own rather than actually doing something about them.  I feel stuck.  This week I have taken a complete break from running because between that and my disordered eating, I have not been taking care of my body.  I needed the mental break.  And I feel like a complete failure for this, after all the training and all I have accomplished in my fitness.

I am discouraged and sad about being single, and feeling like I will never meet a man who will love me with all of my flaws, struggles, and awkwardness, along with all the wonderful things I know I have to offer in a relationship.  I dated a guy long-distance for a couple months this past spring.  We hit it off really well on our first conversation.  Had so much in common.  Skyped pretty often, and finally got to spend a weekend together at the beginning of June.  And I think he met me and was completely disappointed and not interested at all anymore.  While I thought we got along well and had fun, I could tell that he simply wasn't feeling it.  I pretty much was ghosted after that weekend.

And honestly, ever since then I have just been so discouraged and sad.

Life has fallen into a very mundane routine since training has ended.  I have started my marathon training.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy but to be honest, it's turning out to be harder than I expected.  Training for a 70.3 certainly took up a lot more time and effort.  And towards the end included close to 30 miles of running in addition to biking and swimming.

So what gives that this plan seems so hard right now?  I ran fourteen miles today, pushing this week's mileage to 29, and I was definitely riding the struggle bus.  These long runs the past few weeks have been among my slowest-paced runs in a long time.  My mid-week shorter runs are the fastest pace I've been able to keep up in ages, however.  Either way I'm not getting discouraged about it, especially considering my long runs are on the hilliest route I know.  I'm trusting that I am building a lot of strength on those runs.

I'm definitely excited to continue training and pushing myself each week.  Although it's hard, my life does not feel consumed at all by this training.  It is still enjoyable, despite how hard it is.  I am unsure my body fully recovered from the 70.3 before jumping into training, which sort of has been a domino effect of feeling constantly fatigued.  Who knows.

I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to jump back into my old gym routine, but I'm not worried about it.  The prospect of losing muscle tone isn't something I want to be a concern or obsession of mine.  I know that I will eventually be able to fit that back into my life again, but adding that to my training right now will make me feel consumed.  So for now, I am happy with where I am at.

Ironman 70.3 Thoughts, Part 2

When I signed up for the 70.3 in October, at the time it seemed so far away.  A little over eight months was plenty of time to prepare.  I kept myself in pretty good shape over the winter-- running several days a week, going to spinning classes, and every Saturday morning doing a swim/spin/run session.  I stayed dedicated to this in order to be "ready" when the training began.

Around the beginning of February, I began to write out my training plan according to a 16-week one I downloaded from online.  Six days a week of training.  Two moderate run/swim days, 2 shorter bike days, and one long bike/run day followed by one long run day.  One rest day.  Yikes.  As I wrote it out on a calendar along with my work days, it began to really hit me just how challenging this was going to be.  I knew I could do it, but I don't think I had really thought about what it would be like (plus when I signed up in October, my work schedule at the time was much more triathlon training-friendly.

Training started out pretty light so although I was tired and occasionally lost a little extra sleep here and there, it was ok.  The long bike rides at that time were long for me, but they weren't difficult to fit in.  Long runs weren't all that long in the beginning.

Gradually over time as with any training plan, the intensity and duration began to increase.  Sleep between shifts was sporadic, short, and very poor quality.  I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to be eating, or fueling around and during workouts.  I wasn't halfway through the plan before I began to feel extremely burned out.  I would wake up after only four hours of sleep, if that, to go on long bike rides that I struggled through.

During that time, I started to realize first of all that working night shift was no longer working for me.  I also began to recognize that my body was not going to continue to do well if it couldn't sleep well.  Things had to change.

Once I got my sleeping habits under better control and then switched to days, things did improve somewhat.  But I was still finding myself feeling tired of this training, tired of having very little social life, and tired of being tired all the time.  I think one of the things I am proudest of out of all of this isn't necessarily related to race day.  But to the mere fact that I didn't give up when things got hard.  I came close to it.  There were days I wanted to quit entirely, days I cried because I just felt like I couldn't keep going.

For me to cross that finish line knowing I had done my absolute best to train and prepare for this race was the proudest moment of them all.  I have seldom ever found myself overcome by emotion, but after finishing I was completely overwhelmed.

I don't know if I will do this again next year, but I know I will do this again.  I gave up being able to travel, go on social outings with friends, getting good sleep (this will be better in the future I can assure you), among many other things.  I'm simply not sure I will be ready to give all of that up again next year.  I've definitely learned ways to not it for the next time which may help.

As for right now, I am training for the Leavenworth Marathon on October 1st  My first marathon, and I am so excited!  Four to five days a week of training with two whole rest days is so much nicer.  Don't get me wrong: the long runs are long and this is definitely not going to be easy.  I am not and never will be a fast or really good runner.  But I love working toward goals, and this one I am excited about!

I have struggled so much with the events of this past week in Baton Rouge, Falcon Heights, and Dallas.

I have so many emotions and thoughts swirling around in my head that I don't know how to get out.  Realities I am grasping as a white person in America.  For a long time I have believed I was sympathetic to the cause of Black Lives Matter, but the simple fact was it just didn't affect me all that much.

But this week, seeing those live videos of black men murdered has been extremely disturbing... and an extreme wake-up call.  It's not that I didn't believe that black people, specifically black men, face that kind of danger when dealing with police.  But I just didn't give it much thought because at the end of the day, I am safer for being a white person.  I have never had to be afraid for the simple fact that I am white.

It used to frustrate me when men couldn't be sympathetic to the cause of feminism.  I would think, "If women are telling you the realities of what they face every day as women, believe them.  Why can't you just believe us and listen?"  It's not a conspiracy of man-hatred that causes this.

And suddenly I am realizing the same thing about Black Lives Matter.  It's not that I didn't believe it.  But I was blind to it.

As hard as it is to hear about these things, to believe that my fellow man can treat another human being this way... I want to hear about it.  I want to listen.  Because as a white woman, I will never understand or be able to help if I don't listen.  It is not my place to point fingers and call this race-baiting as so many will do.  It is not my place to stand here and offer advice, to shove my opinions in anyone's faces on either side.  It is my place to listen, and to learn how I can help.  For my black brothers and sisters, I want you to know I stand with you.

Ironman 70.3 Thoughts, Part 1

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you probably know some of my journey over the past few years.  It was just over three years ago I made a huge lifestyle change.  I started small.  Eating healthier portions, cutting back on processed foods, and walking a couple of miles a day.  At the time, I really had no intentions of doing anything except for losing weight.

Fast forward to this week, and I completed a Half Ironman.  There's SO much that has happened in three years to get me here.  None of it has been overnight.  And the journey has most definitely been full of ups and downs, discouragement, and difficulties.  I will be the first to say that none of this comes easy for me.  I do not have natural talent and ability when it comes to running, swimming, or biking.  I can't tell you how many people have said to me, "I could never do what you did."  And if you don't want to do it, then I don't encourage you to.  But I want to say to all those people: I am a prime example of someone that could never have done this.

I hated exercise.  In fact, I hated anything health or fitness related.  It was all nothing but a reminder of just how out of shape, slow, and unhealthy I was.  I preferred to embrace my size and not do anything about it, because that was the easy thing to do.  I hated pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  Even when I started out, I felt embarrassed and ashamed on my walks because being a 26-year-old walker screamed to everyone, "Look at me!  I'm out of shape!  I'm fat!  I can't run!"

But I started somewhere, and with no intention of ever doing anything more.  And I was ok with that.  It was only when I moved away from Florida that I became a runner.  I think part of it was that walking was getting boring.  Another part was I was dating a guy who valued fitness over everything, and I felt like I needed to do more than I was already doing.  (And let me just say, that is the dumbest reason EVER to start doing anything!)  I downloaded Couch to 5K on my phone and started there.

Over the next year, I dealt with nasty shin splints, severely disordered eating, a stress fracture, weight gain and total loss of fitness, until I finally reached a place after my injury where running was possible again.  Bloomsday was a huge deal.  Next came my sprint triathlon, another huge accomplishment for me.  I set my sights on a half marathon in October, and was able to finish with a much faster time than I thought was possible for me.

My friend Haley had signed up for the 70.3 a few months before.  Being a much more hard-core athlete than me, I figured that was something for the big leagues and I would never be able to do it.  But something in the back of my mind kept nagging me, telling me this was something I had to do.  I was scared to death.  And because it scared me, I knew I had to do it.  Of course signing up in October, it seemed like a great idea!  It was still so far away, and there was plenty of time to get in tip top shape.  I would often find myself anxious for the "real" training to begin, although I was pretty hardcore in keeping up with informal training all winter long.  March 6, day 1 of training, loomed in the distance and I was excited.

I didn't anticipate just how difficult the journey was really going to be.

Ironman 70.3 FINISHER!

Ironman 70.3 Coeur d'Alene IN THE BOOKS!

Where do I even begin?  I am still riding the wave of post-race euphoria at this point... I finished, and I finished strong!

Leading up to this race I had thoughts of a DNF plaguing me.  Constantly.  Of course now that the race is over and I finished, I laugh at that but it was truly a worry I had.  It's easy in retrospect to wonder those things, but I had never put my body through anything this difficult before and had no idea how well it would withstand it.

Swim: 40:09
Bike: 3:43:47 (potty break included)
Run: 2:15:57
Overall time: 6:56:21

I will share more about the race itself later.  I am just enjoying the satisfaction today of having finished the race so strong and so well.  I am amazed at the human body and what it can withstand.  How strong and resilient it is.  Three years ago when I turned 26, I told myself that my late twenties were going to be better than my early twenties.  I was tired of how unhealthy I felt, how slow and sluggish I felt.  I started with 2-mile walks.  That was all I could handle.  Much has happened between now and then to get me where I am... but here I am three years later, 29 years old and swimming 1.2 miles, biking 56, and running 13.1!  All in succession!  The human body is incredible!

Today is a total recovery day.  And I'm going to enjoy it.

Life has been sort of up and down these days.

I turned 29 last week.  I was able to spend parts of it with three of my best friends.  Brunch with Haley, three-hour FaceTime with Bela, and dinner and drinks with Julia.  I am grateful for the people who made me feel special and loved.

But my birthday was also hard this year.  I can't quite put my finger on why.  I am not sad about growing older... I don't see the point in that.  I see each year as a gift, one that is easily taken away in the blink of an eye.  Getting older doesn't worry or scare me.  And since I actually FEEL younger than I did just a few years ago, I really don't let age get to me anymore.

This year I just felt... lonely.  The last twelve months have been a generally lonely time for me, and my birthday just kind of capped that off.  I love Spokane.  I love my friends here, and I love my job.  But I am growing more and more weary of solo living with no family nearby.  I'm beginning to wonder if soon it will be time to make a move to be closer to family.  I have no intentions of going back to Florida, but even just to be a day's drive away would be nice.  I'm not in any rush about it, but I won't be surprised if within the next year or so I am making plans to move.

I've been thinking a lot about the beginning of my time here in Spokane, and why I chose to stay here.  Many of those reasons still hold true, but are not really enough to keep me here forever.  Like I said, I'm not about to make drastic changes tomorrow, but life is certainly moving in that direction I believe.

In other news... only four more days until my Half Iron Man and I am freaking out!!  This week is a major taper.  At this point, I'm not stressing about my time because I feel like I've done all I can do to be ready.  What will be is what will be. Simply making it to the start line is huge for me.  Sixteen weeks of training for this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done.  No matter how things go, I'm still proud of myself and how far I've come.  The miles run, biked, and swam.  Persevering through many difficult days of training... and most of it while working night shift.  So no matter what... I've done as much as I can do and have not given up.

We're closing in fast on my triathlon... only 16 days to go!  Motivation ebbs and flows these days, which I am pretty sure is normal.  I have a hard time getting in some of my shorter workouts, (but I'm doing them!) because I am just so ready to be done with this training plan and have my life back.  I have no intentions of quitting running when I am done, but I think I will probably put my bike away for at least a few weeks.  But I don't know.  I think going on a bike ride as part of cross-training (instead of always pushing to be a little faster or grinding up those hills until I can't breathe) is going to be much more enjoyable than what I have been doing.

All in all, training is actually going pretty well.  I talked in my last post about my hope for a break-through with the bike.  I can't actually say I had a break-through, but I felt stronger on my 60-miler yesterday than I have on any other long bike ride so far.  I think part of it is that I haven't let myself skip any of my shorter bike workouts for a couple of weeks, and sometimes it was easy to let those ones fall to the wayside (usually on work days-- sometimes sleep is as important as training).  So yesterday I biked 60 miles.  I think for the first time I actually felt like a cyclist out on the roads.  I felt very comfortable in aero, speeding down the hills was effortless (for the most part... sometimes I still have to slow down a little), and I rode out in traffic like a pro.

The ride didn't start that way, however.  So Spokane has this awesome bike trail called the Centennial Trail.  I'm not sure how far out it goes, but it's at least 60 or 70 miles long, sometimes designated as a bike/running trail only, and connected by roads at other parts until you get to the next portion of the trail.  For instance, probably ten or so miles of yesterday's ride was out on the roads in traffic, although still on the Centennial Trail.

So anyway, in the first mile-- actually, the first half mile of my ride, as I started going up a hill, upon changing gears (using the left/front derailleur... I know better and don't know what I was thinking looking back on it) the chain slipped.  And of course instead of just unclipping my shoes right away and stopping, the fight-or-flight took over and I started pedaling furiously as if that was going to make any difference.  Once my logical side kicked in I knew I needed to unclip, but by this time my bike had pretty much come to a stand-still and next thing I knew I was falling over.  Thankfully I just walked away with a bruised and scraped elbow, but I was so mad I almost turned around and decided to just put off the ride until today.  I didn't, and ended up having a great ride!  It's funny how something so simple as a fall made me want to quit in that moment.  I think just being irritated and then the prospect of SIXTY DAMN MILES to go just made me feel very frustrated.

As far as the new day shift life goes... it is AMAZING!  I can't believe the difference I feel.  I've transitioned so easily to it.  I have been asleep by nine almost every night, I don't generally sleep in, and I just feel great overall.  It is weird to get to about 7:30-8:00 in the evening and realize hey, it's time to start settling in.  I've created somewhat of a bedtime routine, which is nice.  Coming home from work and going to sleep easily and STAYING asleep is just so wonderful.  Incredible what sleep can do for one's quality of life.  Especially for my recovery between workouts.  So much of muscle recovery happens when you sleep.  I was losing out on a lot of that because my sleep was so erratic and short.

Anyway, I feel I have written a novel here, but since I haven't kept up well with my once a week posts, I had some ground to make up for!  Happy Thursday!

Biking Blues

Post long bike ride... I am always amazed at the all-day hunger that ensues!  It seems no amount of food completely satiates me on these days.  It's difficult to justify eating all day long, even with the amount of activity I'm doing and yes, even if it's healthy food.  Of course I don't literally eat all day, but every few hours is quite often for most people.

Biking just isn't my strength, which I think is part of it.  It is so incredibly taxing for me.  I keep waiting for some sort of break-through, where I'll kill a ride and be a total badass doing it.  But mostly I just feel like I'm struggling through every ride, and I can't figure out why.  My nutrition both before and during is pretty on-point.  I have been training now for twelve weeks (crazy right?!) and spent the entire winter in high-intensity spinning classes 2-3 days a week to prepare myself so I wouldn't start biking season with weak legs.

I'm a fairly decent swimmer, especially for someone who has never swam competitively.  I have cut my swim times to probably 2/3 of what they were before last fall.  My running pace has improved, as well as my endurance.  What gives with the bike?  I can't figure out if maybe it's mostly my attitude (which has been incredibly discouraged) or my legs just aren't biking legs.  I don't know.  I'm strong, I have muscular legs, and cardiovascular-wise I am very in shape.

I'm trying not to be discouraged by this.  I know I have been giving it my all, especially given the schedule I work.  Being on night shift is one of the hardest things to do when you're trying to train for something like this.  Add to it the long runs of 12-hour nights, trying to squeeze workouts in between, running (literally) on very little sleep... it's been really tough.  I've made many sacrifices to do this, and I shouldn't downplay that.  I've worked damn hard and I will own that.  But I am still frustrated with the biking.  Perhaps next week I will be back with a better report there?  That big break-through I'm hoping for?  ;)

After this week, I will no longer be a night nurse.


After five years of working night shift, I am finally making the transition back to days.  I started on nights when I was still a pretty new nurse.  I was young-- 23--and my body made the transition fairly well.  With the exception of a sleepless night here and there, life on nights was pretty awesome for awhile.  In fact, I was sleeping more than I ever had before and I was loving it.


Toward the end of 2014, anxiety and depression weaseled its way into my life, manifesting in extreme insomnia.  Although the anxiety/depression somewhat dissipated, the insomnia never went away.  For a year and a half I lived on restless, broken-up nights and days of sleep.  Never getting more than 3-4 hours at a time, 5 if it was a good night.  The very occasional long night of sleep was never enough to make up for it.  I was on my way to a nervous breakdown if I didn't do something soon.  I describe it as feeling constantly on edge.  Anxious when I went to sleep because I was afraid I wouldn't sleep well.  Anxious when I was awake because I was so beyond exhausted I could barely function.  I was miserable.


I finally caved a couple of months ago and went to the doctor to be put on something to help me sleep.  Nothing strong, but I had tried everything in the book up until that point.  That first night I woke up after eight full hours of sleep was heavenly... I remember feeling better than I had felt in over a year.  Finally I had to make the decision that it's best for my health that I go back to day shift.  Even though I'm now sleeping well at nighttime, in between shifts is still iffy.


I can't do it anymore.  I can't manage switching back and forth.  Even while my sleep is better than it was, I want to feel better all the time, and not just on my days off when I'm on a "day schedule."  I'm tired of trying to stay up late the night before work, getting in a good nap the next day, and then trying to keep myself awake all night that first night back.  I'm tired of having low energy.  It is a tired that cannot be explained.  It is being drained of all energy, legs heavy.


I've known for at least six or seven months that this switch was coming.  I am nervous to make the switch, nervous for a faster-paced environment in a facility in which I am still new.  Here's to new change, and hoping that it will be for the best!

This recent study published in the New York Times caught my attention recently.  It reveals the slowed metabolisms of the contestants of Biggest Loser and how their bodies fight to go back to their previous weight.  I know that it has been known for a long time that our bodies have a "set point" which is extremely difficult to lower.

Then today, I saw this clip from the Today Show in which they interviewed Bob Harper.  It disgusted me... to be honest, it's almost triggering for me in my own disordered eating mindset I have lived in for so long.  Most of all at the end, this promotion of intermittent fasting.  Hey, wake up, starve yourself until lunch.  Sounds like a great idea.  His response to peoples' metabolism slowing down with weight loss?  "If you skip one meal, you could be offsetting that easily."  And his last comment, "Starchy carbs, sugar, is not a part of my diet, and it shouldn't be a part of yours."  Just... no.

I get it.  This has been what his entire career has been built on.  Weight loss through extreme diet and exercise.  He's not going to go on this show and say, "We did Biggest Loser all wrong!  I take it all back!"

I just cringe at the thought of the millions of people, overweight or not, who will watch this and instantly feel shame, guilt, and more over their own exercise and eating regimen.  Young people who might already be on the brink of eating disorders... people who are already in the throes of raging eating disorders... people who are already living a healthy, fit lifestyle, whose bodies may have settled comfortably into a weight that might not be considered lean and toned.  Bullshit like this can throw people into extremely unhealthy habits that start into a cycle of under-eating, restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.  I know, because I have been there and so have many others!  All the willpower in the world cannot prevent this cycle once it is in motion.

It's just scary to me that lifestyles like this are being promoted as healthy.  That we look up to people like Bob Harper.  I believe he means well.  He follows his own advice he doles out to people, which I suppose I have to give him some credit for, but that doesn't mean it's well-advised or healthy.  That doesn't mean this lifestyle fits in for the everyday person.  But the thing is-- he is nothing more than a celebrity with certifications in personal training.  He is not a dietitian, he does not have a degree, he is not a scientist.  Sadly, however, most Americans will continue to buy into this kind of bullshit sold by not only Bob Harper, but trainers and "fitness professionals" alike.

It really breaks my heart.

On a somewhat slow night at work last night, I took some time and read through some of my old blog posts on here.  I forgot how faithful I was blogging several times a week once upon a time.  My life was obviously much less busy in those days, but I got to thinking about how much I really miss blogging.  I don't keep a journal anymore, and I don't blog.  But I would really like to get back to updating this more regularly, and about more than just my work and training life.

I am such a different person today than I was when I started keeping up with this blog.  In the past two and a half years I have really grown into myself.  And because I haven't really kept up with writing down my thoughts throughout that time, so much of the process seems to be lost on me.  It's like, yes--travel nursing and moving across the country, seeing all kinds of new places, meeting all kinds of people, living independently-- it has changed me.  But when it comes to putting it into words for other people to understand?  I am at a loss.

I think about the beginning of my time as a travel nurse.  Driving across the country with my best friend, all of our stuff packed to the ceiling in my little Corolla.  That feeling of being both scared and excited at the same time, not knowing what was in store.  The loneliness that ensued for the next three months in California, the stress of the job assignment, the homesickness for familiarity.  The exploration of new cities week after week.  The boredom that came most days because we worked opposite schedules and the truth is, travel nursing is a lot less glamorous than it looks from the outside (as most things are).

Driving from California to Washington, the place I would eventually call home, though I didn't know it at the time.  I thought travel nursing was going to be an indefinite thing.  I thought maybe I'd take an assignment in Seattle, or start making my way back east by taking assignments in places like St. Louis or Cleveland.  

And in that time thinking I had met the man I would marry... putting a halt to my travels for him (at times I regret this decision, wondering where life would have taken me--although I don't dwell on it).  In that time experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows, feeling directionless, lonely, and hateful.

The saddest part of it all is I have become so disconnected from my life back home.  It isn't that I wanted to be disconnected, but that's what happens when one picks up and moves across the country. When your parents don't travel, and most of your friends save a few lose touch with you and you lose touch with them, everything you knew suddenly seems so far away.  And then you begin to question your entire belief system, something your entire life once revolved around.  Which has perhaps been the most alienating part of it all.

I'd like to get back to blogging regularly, regardless of whether or not anyone reads it.  I am resolving to sit down and write at least once or twice a week at the minimum.  So here goes nothing!

The Beat Goes On

The rhythm of life drums on the same day in and day out.  My life is pretty much consumed with working, training, eating, and sleeping.  I don't do much else right now.  Training has returned to being a bit more enjoyable, my bike rides less burdensome than before.  I still have fear on the roads with traffic, and at times I am a bit held back by this.  But I'm no longer worried about race day and whether or not I will finish the ride in time.  What will be is what will be.

Right now I'm very focused on my nutrition and listening to my body.

As for my nutrition, I have been working with a dietitian to help me with my daily intake as well as my sports nutrition around my workouts.  Having never trained for anything at this kind of intensity before, I felt I was sort of spinning my wheels in that department.  I wish I had reached out earlier for help, but seeing how I will be training for a marathon starting as soon as my triathlon is done, I thought it was wise.  So far it has been so helpful, and I look forward to making progress in that area.

Learning to listen to my body is hard.  You want to get in the necessary training sessions, but not push yourself to the point of injury.  I trained through a nagging Achilles issue last week, and as soon as I finished my 12-mile run on Thursday I knew I probably should not have done that.  I have issues with training through pain when I shouldn't.  So this morning before my workout, I promised myself that if I started my run and felt the pain, I would stop.

I swam my sprint intervals and felt great.  So I changed into my running clothes, excited to start my run.  And I felt it... just barely.  But the twinge of pain told me that if I kept running on it, it wasn't going to just get better as the run went on.  So I turned around and decided to go to bed early.  A little extra rest never hurt anyone, and it's better to be safe than sorry.  Even as I walked into my apartment, my mind was yelling at me to get back out there and finish that workout, dammit!  But I knew I was doing the right thing for my body.

It may seem silly that it's so hard to do this, but when you're in training and wanting to prepare your body for the stress of a race, it's actually a lot harder to skip workouts than you might think, regardless of how you feel.  I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and holding back when I knew it needed a little more rest.  I will plan on doing that run tomorrow.

I am not going to lie.  I look forward to June 26, not only because I am excited to race, but I am also going to be ready to have my life back.  Will I do another 70.3 next year?  I don't know.  I think if I actually enjoy the race itself, I might.  I know training for a marathon will be no easy feat either, but my training plan for that incorporates 2 rest days plus 1 cross-training day each week.  And on top of that, I simply enjoy running more than swimming or biking.

Well, perhaps I shall be back on here to write something besides triathlon talk.  Once my life gets back to "normal," that might be the case!

IM 70.3 Thoughts

If there's one thing I'm coming to realize as I train for my 70.3...

Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

My journey to this triathlon won't look like anyone else's.  I have challenged my body in many ways the past seven weeks.  I have had moments of triumph and elation at reaching new goals.  I have also had moments of wanting to give up.  In fact, one of those moments came last week, and that moment stretched into a day which stretched into two days, then three, four...

I was texting my best friend telling her I didn't think I wanted to do this triathlon anymore.  Telling people at work I was ready to give up because I feel I have made no progress on the bike.  Telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that I am a joke for even thinking I can do this.  Who do I think I am, taking on a challenge like this?  What am I trying to prove?

My internal dialogue has been ugly at times.

I am grateful for people like my friend Elaine.  Who, even while she told me I have come too far, worked too hard, and poured too much passion into this to give up now... also said that even if I didn't do this triathlon, it wouldn't make me any less as a person.

After this week, I am half-way through my training.  I will be eight weeks out.  And it will only get harder over the next several weeks before tapering back down.  But I can only worry about each day as it comes.  Thinking about every day of training, every workout, every long bike ride... it's too overwhelming.

If there's one thing I know it is this: I will NEVER do a full Ironman!  This has proven to be one of the biggest challenges of my life, and while I'm determined not to give up, I am realizing that training of this magnitude simply isn't what I want my life to be.

Perhaps in the post-race euphoria I will feel differently.  I don't know.

For now I just keep going.  I will get there, I will finish, and I will do the absolute best I can!

I realize it has been over a month since my last dismal entry, which probably left anyone who reads this wondering.


Update: I am doing much, much better.  Turns out there were some physiological things that were contributing to my issues, and the past few weeks have been so much better for me.  And I am thankful.


I am on my fifth week of my training plan for my Ironman 70.3 in June.  I can't believe how quickly it has already gone.  It is definitely a huge challenge some days to get it in.  Six days a week of training when you work twelve hour shifts is no easy task.  Admittedly there are days I work out and wonder if it's even worth it to get it in that day, due to being so tired.  I'm hopeful it will pay off, as most days I would rather just come home from work and immediately crawl into bed like I used to.


The most discouraging part of training so far for me has been the biking.  I don't know if I'll ever be  a strong cycler.  In many ways I feel very weak overall as a triathlete.  Many people have their strength, and I feel I am "just average" at all of it.  I suppose for me I am glad that swimming isn't a weakness, as that seems to be the trend among most triathletes.  And obviously I'm not doing this to win.  At this point a finish is going to be a win for me.  Not to mention a stubborn foot issue I have been dealing with and can't seem to shake.


Life otherwise is fairly uneventful these days.  And I'm ok with that.  We'll see where it takes me over the next few months.  Two of my sisters will be visiting me at the end of the month, which I am so excited about!  I've got the Bloomsday race coming up in May, which I'm looking forward to crushing last year's time! (hopefully)


I'm not even sure anyone still reads this blog anymore, but I do like to keep it updated here and there!  Here's hoping life is treating you well also!

Well, life knows how to throw curveballs, that's for sure.


I'm not in a good place right now... I feel very isolated and far away from everyone and everything.  I'm working on it and taking the time I need to deal with it, and hoping that it is a passing phase.  But it's one I've certainly never experienced quite to this degree.


In the meantime, there are small comforts here and there, little things that help me get through.  I don't want to alarm anyone, as I'm *mostly* ok, and that whatever this is, I know I'll pull through-- just like always.


So until the next time, I would be appreciative of any positive thoughts or prayers sent my way.


-Natalie

Whole30, Round 2

As week one of my 2nd Whole30 draws to a close, I've had a lot of thoughts swirling in head about Whole30 and why I love it.

This week definitely started out a little difficult, as most Whole30's do.  I didn't really have cravings so much as I struggled because I am a bored eater and an emotional eater.  Two very bad combinations.  Sitting on the couch at night with Netflix makes me want to grab a pint of ice cream.  Three AM at work with nothing happening makes me want to forage for food.  The list could go on, but I think you get the point.  I like to eat basically when there's nothing else to do.

Not only that, I definitely have sugar addiction, and I don't mean "Oh I need a piece of chocolate every day so I can get my fix!"  I mean, once I start eating sweets I almost can't stop.  It can be really difficult, although I think I have learned to manage it pretty well... but it's still difficult.  It isn't even a matter of being deprived that makes me binge on sweets.  I just have that problem.  It wouldn't matter if I had eaten ice cream the night before or gone a year without it, because I'll want those sweets just as badly either way.  (This is something very few people seem to understand about people who are actually sugar addicts)

So all that to say... I love Whole30 because it takes such a balanced approach to food.  I know a lot of people look at the rules and would probably laugh at that statement.

But compare Whole30 to other diets.  Sure, it restricts certain food groups. But not as a way to say hey, you can never ever eat that food again or make it a regular part of your diet!  No, it's as a way to re-introduce those foods back into your diet to see how they truly affect you... and then YOU decide whether or not you really want to continue keeping them in your diet based on how they affect you.  Not based on a number on the scale or a size on a tag.

Yeah, Whole30 is a pretty tough-love program.  Mess up and you're supposed to start over.  But at no point does Whole30 make you count, measure, weigh, calculate points, etc.  You cannot weigh yourself during your Whole30.  And for someone who has food issues, control issues, body image issues, this. Is. Huge.  I have tried other ways.  I have calorie-counted.  I have Weight Watchers points-counted.  And that has only EVER gotten me to a horrible, awful place with food.

The first time I ever binged was in the middle of Weight Watchers a year and a half ago.  This wasn't a sugar binge, it was just a total food binge.  I couldn't help it, I literally felt out of control of what I was doing.  That is hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.  And I tried and tried to overcome it by more restriction, restriction, restriction.  Just be strong, have the willpower you need, etc.  I weighed myself daily.  I would wake up and eat a small, "healthy" breakfast, only to fight the urge the rest of the day and finally give in that night.

I finally began to take a more balanced approach over the next few months, but it still occasionally happened.  Then as fall approached and I started having issues with my boyfriend at the time, I lost my appetite almost completely (something that had never happened in my entire life, nor has it since) and that weight began to fall off.  Of course I was happy, because food no longer pre-occupied my thoughts like it had before.  But I remember thinking, this is going to screw with my metabolism, and most certainly not help my food issues.  As my appetite came back, the urge to binge somewhat came back, but at a more controllable level.

So when I started Whole30, I was afraid.  Afraid that all my food issues would come flying back with a vengeance.

What surprised me was that they didn't.  I gained more food freedom during Whole30 than I ever had before in my life.  It certainly brought some issues that I've mentioned before, in the form of being too strict with label-reading and things like that.  Like I said, it's not perfect.  But I remember that first instance of being in the same room with a container of cupcakes at work, and having absolutely zero urge to eat even one.

I'm approaching this Whole30 with a different attitude than before, which I will talk more about another time.

I know people think I've "drank the kool-aid."  I know that.  But I encourage people to try Whole30 at least once.  Just see how you feel with thirty days of eating real, good, nutritious food.