When I signed up for the 70.3 in October, at the time it seemed so far away. A little over eight months was plenty of time to prepare. I kept myself in pretty good shape over the winter-- running several days a week, going to spinning classes, and every Saturday morning doing a swim/spin/run session. I stayed dedicated to this in order to be "ready" when the training began.
Around the beginning of February, I began to write out my training plan according to a 16-week one I downloaded from online. Six days a week of training. Two moderate run/swim days, 2 shorter bike days, and one long bike/run day followed by one long run day. One rest day. Yikes. As I wrote it out on a calendar along with my work days, it began to really hit me just how challenging this was going to be. I knew I could do it, but I don't think I had really thought about what it would be like (plus when I signed up in October, my work schedule at the time was much more triathlon training-friendly.
Training started out pretty light so although I was tired and occasionally lost a little extra sleep here and there, it was ok. The long bike rides at that time were long for me, but they weren't difficult to fit in. Long runs weren't all that long in the beginning.
Gradually over time as with any training plan, the intensity and duration began to increase. Sleep between shifts was sporadic, short, and very poor quality. I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to be eating, or fueling around and during workouts. I wasn't halfway through the plan before I began to feel extremely burned out. I would wake up after only four hours of sleep, if that, to go on long bike rides that I struggled through.
During that time, I started to realize first of all that working night shift was no longer working for me. I also began to recognize that my body was not going to continue to do well if it couldn't sleep well. Things had to change.
Once I got my sleeping habits under better control and then switched to days, things did improve somewhat. But I was still finding myself feeling tired of this training, tired of having very little social life, and tired of being tired all the time. I think one of the things I am proudest of out of all of this isn't necessarily related to race day. But to the mere fact that I didn't give up when things got hard. I came close to it. There were days I wanted to quit entirely, days I cried because I just felt like I couldn't keep going.
For me to cross that finish line knowing I had done my absolute best to train and prepare for this race was the proudest moment of them all. I have seldom ever found myself overcome by emotion, but after finishing I was completely overwhelmed.
I don't know if I will do this again next year, but I know I will do this again. I gave up being able to travel, go on social outings with friends, getting good sleep (this will be better in the future I can assure you), among many other things. I'm simply not sure I will be ready to give all of that up again next year. I've definitely learned ways to not it for the next time which may help.
As for right now, I am training for the Leavenworth Marathon on October 1st My first marathon, and I am so excited! Four to five days a week of training with two whole rest days is so much nicer. Don't get me wrong: the long runs are long and this is definitely not going to be easy. I am not and never will be a fast or really good runner. But I love working toward goals, and this one I am excited about!
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Friday, June 10, 2016
We're closing in fast on my triathlon... only 16 days to go! Motivation ebbs and flows these days, which I am pretty sure is normal. I have a hard time getting in some of my shorter workouts, (but I'm doing them!) because I am just so ready to be done with this training plan and have my life back. I have no intentions of quitting running when I am done, but I think I will probably put my bike away for at least a few weeks. But I don't know. I think going on a bike ride as part of cross-training (instead of always pushing to be a little faster or grinding up those hills until I can't breathe) is going to be much more enjoyable than what I have been doing.
All in all, training is actually going pretty well. I talked in my last post about my hope for a break-through with the bike. I can't actually say I had a break-through, but I felt stronger on my 60-miler yesterday than I have on any other long bike ride so far. I think part of it is that I haven't let myself skip any of my shorter bike workouts for a couple of weeks, and sometimes it was easy to let those ones fall to the wayside (usually on work days-- sometimes sleep is as important as training). So yesterday I biked 60 miles. I think for the first time I actually felt like a cyclist out on the roads. I felt very comfortable in aero, speeding down the hills was effortless (for the most part... sometimes I still have to slow down a little), and I rode out in traffic like a pro.
The ride didn't start that way, however. So Spokane has this awesome bike trail called the Centennial Trail. I'm not sure how far out it goes, but it's at least 60 or 70 miles long, sometimes designated as a bike/running trail only, and connected by roads at other parts until you get to the next portion of the trail. For instance, probably ten or so miles of yesterday's ride was out on the roads in traffic, although still on the Centennial Trail.
So anyway, in the first mile-- actually, the first half mile of my ride, as I started going up a hill, upon changing gears (using the left/front derailleur... I know better and don't know what I was thinking looking back on it) the chain slipped. And of course instead of just unclipping my shoes right away and stopping, the fight-or-flight took over and I started pedaling furiously as if that was going to make any difference. Once my logical side kicked in I knew I needed to unclip, but by this time my bike had pretty much come to a stand-still and next thing I knew I was falling over. Thankfully I just walked away with a bruised and scraped elbow, but I was so mad I almost turned around and decided to just put off the ride until today. I didn't, and ended up having a great ride! It's funny how something so simple as a fall made me want to quit in that moment. I think just being irritated and then the prospect of SIXTY DAMN MILES to go just made me feel very frustrated.
As far as the new day shift life goes... it is AMAZING! I can't believe the difference I feel. I've transitioned so easily to it. I have been asleep by nine almost every night, I don't generally sleep in, and I just feel great overall. It is weird to get to about 7:30-8:00 in the evening and realize hey, it's time to start settling in. I've created somewhat of a bedtime routine, which is nice. Coming home from work and going to sleep easily and STAYING asleep is just so wonderful. Incredible what sleep can do for one's quality of life. Especially for my recovery between workouts. So much of muscle recovery happens when you sleep. I was losing out on a lot of that because my sleep was so erratic and short.
Anyway, I feel I have written a novel here, but since I haven't kept up well with my once a week posts, I had some ground to make up for! Happy Thursday!
All in all, training is actually going pretty well. I talked in my last post about my hope for a break-through with the bike. I can't actually say I had a break-through, but I felt stronger on my 60-miler yesterday than I have on any other long bike ride so far. I think part of it is that I haven't let myself skip any of my shorter bike workouts for a couple of weeks, and sometimes it was easy to let those ones fall to the wayside (usually on work days-- sometimes sleep is as important as training). So yesterday I biked 60 miles. I think for the first time I actually felt like a cyclist out on the roads. I felt very comfortable in aero, speeding down the hills was effortless (for the most part... sometimes I still have to slow down a little), and I rode out in traffic like a pro.
The ride didn't start that way, however. So Spokane has this awesome bike trail called the Centennial Trail. I'm not sure how far out it goes, but it's at least 60 or 70 miles long, sometimes designated as a bike/running trail only, and connected by roads at other parts until you get to the next portion of the trail. For instance, probably ten or so miles of yesterday's ride was out on the roads in traffic, although still on the Centennial Trail.
So anyway, in the first mile-- actually, the first half mile of my ride, as I started going up a hill, upon changing gears (using the left/front derailleur... I know better and don't know what I was thinking looking back on it) the chain slipped. And of course instead of just unclipping my shoes right away and stopping, the fight-or-flight took over and I started pedaling furiously as if that was going to make any difference. Once my logical side kicked in I knew I needed to unclip, but by this time my bike had pretty much come to a stand-still and next thing I knew I was falling over. Thankfully I just walked away with a bruised and scraped elbow, but I was so mad I almost turned around and decided to just put off the ride until today. I didn't, and ended up having a great ride! It's funny how something so simple as a fall made me want to quit in that moment. I think just being irritated and then the prospect of SIXTY DAMN MILES to go just made me feel very frustrated.
As far as the new day shift life goes... it is AMAZING! I can't believe the difference I feel. I've transitioned so easily to it. I have been asleep by nine almost every night, I don't generally sleep in, and I just feel great overall. It is weird to get to about 7:30-8:00 in the evening and realize hey, it's time to start settling in. I've created somewhat of a bedtime routine, which is nice. Coming home from work and going to sleep easily and STAYING asleep is just so wonderful. Incredible what sleep can do for one's quality of life. Especially for my recovery between workouts. So much of muscle recovery happens when you sleep. I was losing out on a lot of that because my sleep was so erratic and short.
Anyway, I feel I have written a novel here, but since I haven't kept up well with my once a week posts, I had some ground to make up for! Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Biking Blues
Post long bike ride... I am always amazed at the all-day hunger that ensues! It seems no amount of food completely satiates me on these days. It's difficult to justify eating all day long, even with the amount of activity I'm doing and yes, even if it's healthy food. Of course I don't literally eat all day, but every few hours is quite often for most people.
Biking just isn't my strength, which I think is part of it. It is so incredibly taxing for me. I keep waiting for some sort of break-through, where I'll kill a ride and be a total badass doing it. But mostly I just feel like I'm struggling through every ride, and I can't figure out why. My nutrition both before and during is pretty on-point. I have been training now for twelve weeks (crazy right?!) and spent the entire winter in high-intensity spinning classes 2-3 days a week to prepare myself so I wouldn't start biking season with weak legs.
I'm a fairly decent swimmer, especially for someone who has never swam competitively. I have cut my swim times to probably 2/3 of what they were before last fall. My running pace has improved, as well as my endurance. What gives with the bike? I can't figure out if maybe it's mostly my attitude (which has been incredibly discouraged) or my legs just aren't biking legs. I don't know. I'm strong, I have muscular legs, and cardiovascular-wise I am very in shape.
I'm trying not to be discouraged by this. I know I have been giving it my all, especially given the schedule I work. Being on night shift is one of the hardest things to do when you're trying to train for something like this. Add to it the long runs of 12-hour nights, trying to squeeze workouts in between, running (literally) on very little sleep... it's been really tough. I've made many sacrifices to do this, and I shouldn't downplay that. I've worked damn hard and I will own that. But I am still frustrated with the biking. Perhaps next week I will be back with a better report there? That big break-through I'm hoping for? ;)
Biking just isn't my strength, which I think is part of it. It is so incredibly taxing for me. I keep waiting for some sort of break-through, where I'll kill a ride and be a total badass doing it. But mostly I just feel like I'm struggling through every ride, and I can't figure out why. My nutrition both before and during is pretty on-point. I have been training now for twelve weeks (crazy right?!) and spent the entire winter in high-intensity spinning classes 2-3 days a week to prepare myself so I wouldn't start biking season with weak legs.
I'm a fairly decent swimmer, especially for someone who has never swam competitively. I have cut my swim times to probably 2/3 of what they were before last fall. My running pace has improved, as well as my endurance. What gives with the bike? I can't figure out if maybe it's mostly my attitude (which has been incredibly discouraged) or my legs just aren't biking legs. I don't know. I'm strong, I have muscular legs, and cardiovascular-wise I am very in shape.
I'm trying not to be discouraged by this. I know I have been giving it my all, especially given the schedule I work. Being on night shift is one of the hardest things to do when you're trying to train for something like this. Add to it the long runs of 12-hour nights, trying to squeeze workouts in between, running (literally) on very little sleep... it's been really tough. I've made many sacrifices to do this, and I shouldn't downplay that. I've worked damn hard and I will own that. But I am still frustrated with the biking. Perhaps next week I will be back with a better report there? That big break-through I'm hoping for? ;)
Monday, May 9, 2016
The Beat Goes On
The rhythm of life drums on the same day in and day out. My life is pretty much consumed with working, training, eating, and sleeping. I don't do much else right now. Training has returned to being a bit more enjoyable, my bike rides less burdensome than before. I still have fear on the roads with traffic, and at times I am a bit held back by this. But I'm no longer worried about race day and whether or not I will finish the ride in time. What will be is what will be.
Right now I'm very focused on my nutrition and listening to my body.
As for my nutrition, I have been working with a dietitian to help me with my daily intake as well as my sports nutrition around my workouts. Having never trained for anything at this kind of intensity before, I felt I was sort of spinning my wheels in that department. I wish I had reached out earlier for help, but seeing how I will be training for a marathon starting as soon as my triathlon is done, I thought it was wise. So far it has been so helpful, and I look forward to making progress in that area.
Learning to listen to my body is hard. You want to get in the necessary training sessions, but not push yourself to the point of injury. I trained through a nagging Achilles issue last week, and as soon as I finished my 12-mile run on Thursday I knew I probably should not have done that. I have issues with training through pain when I shouldn't. So this morning before my workout, I promised myself that if I started my run and felt the pain, I would stop.
I swam my sprint intervals and felt great. So I changed into my running clothes, excited to start my run. And I felt it... just barely. But the twinge of pain told me that if I kept running on it, it wasn't going to just get better as the run went on. So I turned around and decided to go to bed early. A little extra rest never hurt anyone, and it's better to be safe than sorry. Even as I walked into my apartment, my mind was yelling at me to get back out there and finish that workout, dammit! But I knew I was doing the right thing for my body.
It may seem silly that it's so hard to do this, but when you're in training and wanting to prepare your body for the stress of a race, it's actually a lot harder to skip workouts than you might think, regardless of how you feel. I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and holding back when I knew it needed a little more rest. I will plan on doing that run tomorrow.
I am not going to lie. I look forward to June 26, not only because I am excited to race, but I am also going to be ready to have my life back. Will I do another 70.3 next year? I don't know. I think if I actually enjoy the race itself, I might. I know training for a marathon will be no easy feat either, but my training plan for that incorporates 2 rest days plus 1 cross-training day each week. And on top of that, I simply enjoy running more than swimming or biking.
Well, perhaps I shall be back on here to write something besides triathlon talk. Once my life gets back to "normal," that might be the case!
Right now I'm very focused on my nutrition and listening to my body.
As for my nutrition, I have been working with a dietitian to help me with my daily intake as well as my sports nutrition around my workouts. Having never trained for anything at this kind of intensity before, I felt I was sort of spinning my wheels in that department. I wish I had reached out earlier for help, but seeing how I will be training for a marathon starting as soon as my triathlon is done, I thought it was wise. So far it has been so helpful, and I look forward to making progress in that area.
Learning to listen to my body is hard. You want to get in the necessary training sessions, but not push yourself to the point of injury. I trained through a nagging Achilles issue last week, and as soon as I finished my 12-mile run on Thursday I knew I probably should not have done that. I have issues with training through pain when I shouldn't. So this morning before my workout, I promised myself that if I started my run and felt the pain, I would stop.
I swam my sprint intervals and felt great. So I changed into my running clothes, excited to start my run. And I felt it... just barely. But the twinge of pain told me that if I kept running on it, it wasn't going to just get better as the run went on. So I turned around and decided to go to bed early. A little extra rest never hurt anyone, and it's better to be safe than sorry. Even as I walked into my apartment, my mind was yelling at me to get back out there and finish that workout, dammit! But I knew I was doing the right thing for my body.
It may seem silly that it's so hard to do this, but when you're in training and wanting to prepare your body for the stress of a race, it's actually a lot harder to skip workouts than you might think, regardless of how you feel. I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and holding back when I knew it needed a little more rest. I will plan on doing that run tomorrow.
I am not going to lie. I look forward to June 26, not only because I am excited to race, but I am also going to be ready to have my life back. Will I do another 70.3 next year? I don't know. I think if I actually enjoy the race itself, I might. I know training for a marathon will be no easy feat either, but my training plan for that incorporates 2 rest days plus 1 cross-training day each week. And on top of that, I simply enjoy running more than swimming or biking.
Well, perhaps I shall be back on here to write something besides triathlon talk. Once my life gets back to "normal," that might be the case!
Monday, December 7, 2015
Update... Life
Life has been busy. Good, full, and busy.
I'm finally off of orientation at my new job. This has probably been the longest, most thorough orientation I've ever received since I was a new grad! It was nice to have an "easier" pace of things for awhile, have someone right there to answer questions, and just not feel the pressure of being thrown into a new job with very little training (which is what I'm used to). I'm still very happy at this job, and although I know I'm in that "honeymoon phase," it's certainly the happiest I've ever been in any job I've had prior to this.
My massage therapist told me the other day that she has noticed a huge change in me since I've had this new job. She told me she could often see the stress on my face when I would come in, but that it has gone away now. I definitely can feel it, but it's pretty crazy that my old job was that stressful that it showed on my face even when I wasn't there. And we all know that stress = BAD for your health! I'm so happy I made this change.
So obviously work has taken up much of my time lately, as has training. Thanksgiving week threw me off a bit as I was traveling (got go see Bela-- yay!) and eating more (ok... A LOT more!) junk food than I'm used to. But I got back into it this week a little better-- and with a body that was well-rested-- albeit fueled by a few extra slices of pie. I've taken some pressure of myself as far as getting workouts/runs/spin class/swims in 6 days a week. If I only make it 4-5 days, that's ok. The shifts I'm working make it difficult to get a workout in every single day between shifts. And sleep and recovery are important factors in training.
I'm still quite happy with the pace of life these days. I'm really wishing I could make a trip to Florida sooner rather than later. Been feeling a little homesick for much of the familiarity that my hometown offers. I don't know if I'll make it back before the end of next summer, which is sad because at that point it will have almost been two years since the previous visit. I often feel very disconnected from everything and everyone there. And this is partially my fault, as I haven't been good with keeping up with people. Life gets busy and time gets away... I hate that it's like that. I feel entirely disconnected from my life before travel nursing, in fact. It makes me sad. I don't know if that's just the way life is, or if maybe I've caused most of that myself. The past year and a half have had me dealing with some depression and emotional issues... it's been very easy to become disconnected because of that. :( I'm doing much, MUCH better now, of course. But the consequences of all of that are far-reaching.
So, yes... life has been good. In two weeks I will be off to celebrate Bela and Tim's wedding, which I am SO excited about! And as I finished writing that sentence, I realized I leave in only a little over a week! How time flies!
I'm finally off of orientation at my new job. This has probably been the longest, most thorough orientation I've ever received since I was a new grad! It was nice to have an "easier" pace of things for awhile, have someone right there to answer questions, and just not feel the pressure of being thrown into a new job with very little training (which is what I'm used to). I'm still very happy at this job, and although I know I'm in that "honeymoon phase," it's certainly the happiest I've ever been in any job I've had prior to this.
My massage therapist told me the other day that she has noticed a huge change in me since I've had this new job. She told me she could often see the stress on my face when I would come in, but that it has gone away now. I definitely can feel it, but it's pretty crazy that my old job was that stressful that it showed on my face even when I wasn't there. And we all know that stress = BAD for your health! I'm so happy I made this change.
So obviously work has taken up much of my time lately, as has training. Thanksgiving week threw me off a bit as I was traveling (got go see Bela-- yay!) and eating more (ok... A LOT more!) junk food than I'm used to. But I got back into it this week a little better-- and with a body that was well-rested-- albeit fueled by a few extra slices of pie. I've taken some pressure of myself as far as getting workouts/runs/spin class/swims in 6 days a week. If I only make it 4-5 days, that's ok. The shifts I'm working make it difficult to get a workout in every single day between shifts. And sleep and recovery are important factors in training.
I'm still quite happy with the pace of life these days. I'm really wishing I could make a trip to Florida sooner rather than later. Been feeling a little homesick for much of the familiarity that my hometown offers. I don't know if I'll make it back before the end of next summer, which is sad because at that point it will have almost been two years since the previous visit. I often feel very disconnected from everything and everyone there. And this is partially my fault, as I haven't been good with keeping up with people. Life gets busy and time gets away... I hate that it's like that. I feel entirely disconnected from my life before travel nursing, in fact. It makes me sad. I don't know if that's just the way life is, or if maybe I've caused most of that myself. The past year and a half have had me dealing with some depression and emotional issues... it's been very easy to become disconnected because of that. :( I'm doing much, MUCH better now, of course. But the consequences of all of that are far-reaching.
So, yes... life has been good. In two weeks I will be off to celebrate Bela and Tim's wedding, which I am SO excited about! And as I finished writing that sentence, I realized I leave in only a little over a week! How time flies!
Monday, October 19, 2015
Woke up feeling under the weather today. Sore throat, cough. Just the beginning of what could be some sort of virus. So I decided I will just lay low today. Drink tons of water, take zicam and emergen-c, and drink immune-boosting tea. I'm determined that this will not progress. Otherwise I feel just fine, but I decided no working out today. Which sucks for me, but this is also part of taking care of my body. Recovery and rest, am I right? I'm not much good if I get sick.
I was talking with my sister over the weekend about my upcoming Iron Man 70.3. She asked me, "What's your motivation and goals in doing this?"
Many things of course come to mind. But the first thing I thought of was the sense of purpose and fulfillment I get out of training for something that is physically demanding. Proving to myself each day that I'm stronger than I think. Fighting through the hard days where I feel weaker than I am. Being better than I was the day before. Getting stronger. I don't know, there is just something that has been so amazing about the past three months for me in lifting and training for the half marathon. I have gotten a taste of what that life is like, and I want more.
I spent years thinking I couldn't do big things. I always had a desire deep down to do things like this, but I wasn't "that girl." I was the one who ate junk food and abhorred exercise of any kind. That was me and it was the box I felt like I was stuck in. I still feel like I'm that same person, and it comes out in the things I say about myself. My friend called me out on it the other day. In conversation, when running and lifting come up, I constantly tell people that I'm really not that fit, or strong, or athletic. And Haley said, "You've got to stop saying those things because you are really fit!"
It was something I needed to hear, because I still have the bad habit of tearing myself down. Of down-playing the things I have accomplished. It is good to acknowledge that.
I'm chomping at the bit today because I feel like a day of rest will set me back, but that is a toxic mindset I must rid myself of. Rest is an essential part of training. Especially on days when you are sick. Pushing through that will do no good in the long run.
I was talking with my sister over the weekend about my upcoming Iron Man 70.3. She asked me, "What's your motivation and goals in doing this?"
Many things of course come to mind. But the first thing I thought of was the sense of purpose and fulfillment I get out of training for something that is physically demanding. Proving to myself each day that I'm stronger than I think. Fighting through the hard days where I feel weaker than I am. Being better than I was the day before. Getting stronger. I don't know, there is just something that has been so amazing about the past three months for me in lifting and training for the half marathon. I have gotten a taste of what that life is like, and I want more.
I spent years thinking I couldn't do big things. I always had a desire deep down to do things like this, but I wasn't "that girl." I was the one who ate junk food and abhorred exercise of any kind. That was me and it was the box I felt like I was stuck in. I still feel like I'm that same person, and it comes out in the things I say about myself. My friend called me out on it the other day. In conversation, when running and lifting come up, I constantly tell people that I'm really not that fit, or strong, or athletic. And Haley said, "You've got to stop saying those things because you are really fit!"
It was something I needed to hear, because I still have the bad habit of tearing myself down. Of down-playing the things I have accomplished. It is good to acknowledge that.
I'm chomping at the bit today because I feel like a day of rest will set me back, but that is a toxic mindset I must rid myself of. Rest is an essential part of training. Especially on days when you are sick. Pushing through that will do no good in the long run.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Reality Check
I talk a lot about my health and fitness here. I have chronicled a lot of it on this blog throughout the past couple of years. What started out as a wake-up call (after many previous "wake-up calls," honestly) turned into a passion of mine. I never thought I would become someone who enjoyed running, trained for triathlons, and eats healthy (most of the time). I used to make fun of those people, in fact.
I existed on a diet of processed carbs, refined sugars, and very little of anything else. I didn't exercise. Ever. When I started getting serious about my health, just a couple of miles walking would have me incredibly winded, sore, and exhausted.
The past 2+ years have been quite a journey. Every so often I feel the need to check in with myself in the process. It's easy to get caught up in a super-healthy phase only to be followed by what I perceive as failure (even though it's not). On the other hand it is also easy to get caught up in some pretty unhealthy habits that I sometimes allow myself to fall into.
One of the biggest realizations I've come into the past few weeks is about my body. I've found myself wishing my strength and fitness showed more in what my body looks like. In other words, I wish that simply by looking at me, people could see my level of fitness. The hours of time I have put into training, cooking, and eating healthy. And I hate that I think that way, I hate that I care at all what others think. And this doesn't consume my thoughts all of the time, but it does enter them more than I would like.
I had a really strange experience recently, though. I had gone to another floor at work to look for some extra supplies. I was waiting for the elevators and happened to look through the windows next to me into another room. I saw a person standing in there, and for a moment it startled me a bit because it was the middle of the night and I didn't expect to see anyone there. I realized after a couple of seconds I was merely seeing my reflection. But the odd part of the experience was that for the first time, I saw myself the way others see me. I hadn't seen a big girl in that window. In fact, what I saw was far from that.
This was a huge reality check for me, to see myself through "someone else's" eyes... even if they were my own eyes. When I thought I was seeing someone else, I saw what looked like a tall, slender person. How strange to see yourself that way.
And it was a reminder that I need to be kind to myself. My body has gone through a lot of change in the last couple of years, yes. But it also has been recovering from years of bad eating, sedentary habits, as well as negative self image. And undoing all of that is going to take time... maybe more than two years. Maybe another two or three or four, who knows. But I love my body and I am determined to continue to take care of it... sometimes that means taking it one day at a time. Simply not being hard on myself for unhealthy choices. Realizing that I'm beautiful in every form that my body will take on in this life.
One of the biggest realizations I've come into the past few weeks is about my body. I've found myself wishing my strength and fitness showed more in what my body looks like. In other words, I wish that simply by looking at me, people could see my level of fitness. The hours of time I have put into training, cooking, and eating healthy. And I hate that I think that way, I hate that I care at all what others think. And this doesn't consume my thoughts all of the time, but it does enter them more than I would like.
I had a really strange experience recently, though. I had gone to another floor at work to look for some extra supplies. I was waiting for the elevators and happened to look through the windows next to me into another room. I saw a person standing in there, and for a moment it startled me a bit because it was the middle of the night and I didn't expect to see anyone there. I realized after a couple of seconds I was merely seeing my reflection. But the odd part of the experience was that for the first time, I saw myself the way others see me. I hadn't seen a big girl in that window. In fact, what I saw was far from that.
This was a huge reality check for me, to see myself through "someone else's" eyes... even if they were my own eyes. When I thought I was seeing someone else, I saw what looked like a tall, slender person. How strange to see yourself that way.
And it was a reminder that I need to be kind to myself. My body has gone through a lot of change in the last couple of years, yes. But it also has been recovering from years of bad eating, sedentary habits, as well as negative self image. And undoing all of that is going to take time... maybe more than two years. Maybe another two or three or four, who knows. But I love my body and I am determined to continue to take care of it... sometimes that means taking it one day at a time. Simply not being hard on myself for unhealthy choices. Realizing that I'm beautiful in every form that my body will take on in this life.
Monday, June 29, 2015
My Fitness
For the first time in my life, I am fit. I have achieved a level of fitness I never thought was possible for me. I'm certainly not implying I am the fittest woman around, but that I am at the highest level of fitness I've ever been in my life.
And things I've learned in the process?
First of all, being fit means you have to be careful about what you eat. I always had this misconception that if I exercised all the time, I could eat whatever I wanted. Cookies, cake, breads, etc... it wouldn't affect me. But I've learned very quickly that my performance plummets when I consume those foods too often, or in too large of quantities. And because of that, I have actually found that I want those foods less. I don't like my performance sucking because of something I ate.
The most surprising thing to me is that being fit doesn't necessarily make you skinnier. Yes, I have gotten leaner in the process, but don't confuse that for skinnier. My arms and legs have gotten muscular, and let me tell you... muscles do not a skinny woman make. These thighs, instead of getting smaller, have simply gotten muscular. This would have bothered me a year ago, but I realized the other day... I would rather be strong than skinny! Of course, the kind of exercise I've been doing promotes muscle gain, and yes, I have been increasing my protein and carb intake like nobody's business.
Which leads me to the next thing I've learned... eating the right amounts of the right foods. It's been a lot of trial and error. There was once a time when I restricted my intake. And the more I exercised, the more I would seem to restrict. My diet consisted of almost no meat, no dairy, and therefore was extremely low in protein. And I wondered why my body couldn't recover between exercising. Now I eat plenty of meats, dairy, vegetables, and fruits. I cook with coconut oil daily, eat 2-3 eggs for breakfast, make sure I have a protein, fat, and carbohydrate source with every single meal. Even snacks. Bottom line is, I'm eating. A lot! I now weigh whether or not "treats" are worth it. Chocolate? Yep, always worth it... especially dark chocolate. Ice cream? Duh. But beyond that, not much else, at least not very often.
And getting here... reaching this point... I always say it but it's been a lot of "little" steps in this direction. Just a little over two years ago my diet consisted of breads, pastas, desserts, fried foods, diet sodas, and more desserts. And that's it. No vegetables, no fruits, nothing good. And I did not exercise. AT ALL. I was the epitome of sedentary. You think I'm exaggerating maybe, but I'm not. And I "looked" thinner than I actually was, due to my height. To this day, people do not believe that I was truly overweight at one time.
And when I had that "aha" moment... the realization that this can't be the best that I'm going to be, this can't be the prime of my life! I started to change. I did have to make some drastic changes then and there, but the rest has come slowly. I've experienced many ups and downs in those two years. Periods of restriction, binging, over-exercising, injuries, diets, weight gains and losses, depression, distorted body image. And then it became about LISTENING to my body.
And I feel that sort of is what has led me up to this point in my fitness and health journey. Because there is freedom when it becomes about listening to your body. When you're simply enjoying the process of being active, fit, healthy... and doing all of those things according to how your body feels. So if you can't push it that day, then don't. If you absolutely feel too full to eat any more, then don't. If you ate "a lot" and you're still hungry, then keep eating. And if, although you may not necessarily "need" that dessert but you want it, and it's worth it... then eat it!!! And so on and so forth. It's the way I would rather live.
Anyway, lengthy post today but just some thoughts I felt I needed to write down. As I sit here looking out the window at the brutally hot, sunny day knowing I have a long bike ride ahead of me. And yes, I have been avoiding it today!
And things I've learned in the process?
First of all, being fit means you have to be careful about what you eat. I always had this misconception that if I exercised all the time, I could eat whatever I wanted. Cookies, cake, breads, etc... it wouldn't affect me. But I've learned very quickly that my performance plummets when I consume those foods too often, or in too large of quantities. And because of that, I have actually found that I want those foods less. I don't like my performance sucking because of something I ate.
The most surprising thing to me is that being fit doesn't necessarily make you skinnier. Yes, I have gotten leaner in the process, but don't confuse that for skinnier. My arms and legs have gotten muscular, and let me tell you... muscles do not a skinny woman make. These thighs, instead of getting smaller, have simply gotten muscular. This would have bothered me a year ago, but I realized the other day... I would rather be strong than skinny! Of course, the kind of exercise I've been doing promotes muscle gain, and yes, I have been increasing my protein and carb intake like nobody's business.
Which leads me to the next thing I've learned... eating the right amounts of the right foods. It's been a lot of trial and error. There was once a time when I restricted my intake. And the more I exercised, the more I would seem to restrict. My diet consisted of almost no meat, no dairy, and therefore was extremely low in protein. And I wondered why my body couldn't recover between exercising. Now I eat plenty of meats, dairy, vegetables, and fruits. I cook with coconut oil daily, eat 2-3 eggs for breakfast, make sure I have a protein, fat, and carbohydrate source with every single meal. Even snacks. Bottom line is, I'm eating. A lot! I now weigh whether or not "treats" are worth it. Chocolate? Yep, always worth it... especially dark chocolate. Ice cream? Duh. But beyond that, not much else, at least not very often.
And getting here... reaching this point... I always say it but it's been a lot of "little" steps in this direction. Just a little over two years ago my diet consisted of breads, pastas, desserts, fried foods, diet sodas, and more desserts. And that's it. No vegetables, no fruits, nothing good. And I did not exercise. AT ALL. I was the epitome of sedentary. You think I'm exaggerating maybe, but I'm not. And I "looked" thinner than I actually was, due to my height. To this day, people do not believe that I was truly overweight at one time.
And when I had that "aha" moment... the realization that this can't be the best that I'm going to be, this can't be the prime of my life! I started to change. I did have to make some drastic changes then and there, but the rest has come slowly. I've experienced many ups and downs in those two years. Periods of restriction, binging, over-exercising, injuries, diets, weight gains and losses, depression, distorted body image. And then it became about LISTENING to my body.
And I feel that sort of is what has led me up to this point in my fitness and health journey. Because there is freedom when it becomes about listening to your body. When you're simply enjoying the process of being active, fit, healthy... and doing all of those things according to how your body feels. So if you can't push it that day, then don't. If you absolutely feel too full to eat any more, then don't. If you ate "a lot" and you're still hungry, then keep eating. And if, although you may not necessarily "need" that dessert but you want it, and it's worth it... then eat it!!! And so on and so forth. It's the way I would rather live.
Anyway, lengthy post today but just some thoughts I felt I needed to write down. As I sit here looking out the window at the brutally hot, sunny day knowing I have a long bike ride ahead of me. And yes, I have been avoiding it today!
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Triathlon Training
It seems the trend in my life lately has been giving myself a break.
A break from dating, a break from striving... and now a break from working to attain a certain body image ideal. Yes, that's something that always seems to be lurking in the back of my mind. If I'm not trying to attain it, I'm feeling just a little bit guilty because I'm not trying to attain it.
For right now, my focus is 100% on training for my triathlon. Although perhaps to most seasoned tri-athletes a sprint is a piece of cake, in all reality the training for it is pretty intense-- even for someone who just came off of Bloomsday training. It takes dedication and time and commitment. The training itself is time-consuming, not to mention the work it takes to eat enough and eat the right foods to sustain my body during work-outs. And it's most certainly a lot of trial and error.
Last night was my first time doing two consecutive events in a row. I biked 12 miles, then immediately ran 3.1 miles. Honestly, the run was easier than the biking, which surprised me. Probably because my body is already conditioned for running. These quads and hamstrings are still learning how to cycle uphill... which is a real bitch let me tell you! I felt awesome after finishing up that work-out, but a few hours later I definitely could tell I'm going to need some work with my nutrition and hydration surrounding those prolonged periods of activity. Like I said, it's a lot of trial and error but I'm really enjoying it.
I'm amazed at how strong my body is. I never thought I would be capable of even training for a triathlon. My younger sister did one a couple years ago while I was just beginning to get into shape. I remember being jealous of her for being able to do something so amazing. And thinking I would probably never get to that point in my journey. At that time, I felt like I had to get my body into a certain shape (i.e. lean, which in my mind meant skinny at the time) before even thinking about something like that. And to a point, I have had to get to the place I'm at to be able to train like this. A year ago (although I was thinner) my eating was so erratic in its fluctuations between unhealthy binging and ultra-healthy control, that my body would never have tolerated such sustained levels of activity. I probably would have run my metabolism into the ground trying something like this.
I don't want to get too ahead of myself as I still have a month to go before I can even say I've completed a triathlon. But most of the journey is the training, so I can at least speak from this experience. And I can tell you, training is fun! How did no one ever tell me just how much fun it could be? Or did they and I just never believed them? Anyway... for now I'm simply thankful to have a body strong enough to go through this. I never want to take being active for granted. Not everyone gets this privilege.
Friday, May 23, 2014
One Year
It's hard to believe what a difference a year can make.
Last May I got a hard slap in the face from reality about my health. I was the heaviest I'd ever been, the unhealthiest I'd ever been, and my self esteem had reached an all-time low. I felt miserable, though I hadn't admitted it for a long time. I spent most of my spare time sleeping or watching TV-- just very sedentary. Not sure you would call it depressed because I wasn't sad, but I suppose it was a form of depression in and of itself in that I didn't have motivation for anything. At all.
I saw a picture of myself from my trip to Illinois that May. I remember thinking, "Who is that girl, cause it's not me and that's not what I look like!" As soon as I got home I got started on transforming the way I ate, the way I thought about food, and I started exercising. It was slow start... just walking two miles was a challenge (especially in the heat). It was discouraging and it sucked for a long time. It didn't happen overnight, and sometimes I cried. I didn't feel good about the changes I was making for a couple of months. But this was a lifestyle change, and I was determined it would become my way of life.
Fast forward to a year later. I feel like a different person. I feel healthy in mind, body, and spirit... and that isn't something I've ever been able to say before.
A year ago I could barely walk two miles without being really short of breath. Today I can run five miles without stopping... not that it's always easy or doesn't have its obstacles... I've worked to build endurance, fought through fatigue, shin splints, and complete discouragement. Some days I'm completely unmotivated. A year ago my diet consisted of a lot of processed or fried food and very few fruits and vegetables. Today I eat a healthy, balanced diet but still enjoy my treats. Food is still something I love, but not something that can control me. Again... there are still bad days. I still want to turn to it emotionally at times and I continue to work on that. Let's just say I'll always be a work in progress, but today I love the person that I am! And I'm working to become better every day!
Last May I got a hard slap in the face from reality about my health. I was the heaviest I'd ever been, the unhealthiest I'd ever been, and my self esteem had reached an all-time low. I felt miserable, though I hadn't admitted it for a long time. I spent most of my spare time sleeping or watching TV-- just very sedentary. Not sure you would call it depressed because I wasn't sad, but I suppose it was a form of depression in and of itself in that I didn't have motivation for anything. At all.
I saw a picture of myself from my trip to Illinois that May. I remember thinking, "Who is that girl, cause it's not me and that's not what I look like!" As soon as I got home I got started on transforming the way I ate, the way I thought about food, and I started exercising. It was slow start... just walking two miles was a challenge (especially in the heat). It was discouraging and it sucked for a long time. It didn't happen overnight, and sometimes I cried. I didn't feel good about the changes I was making for a couple of months. But this was a lifestyle change, and I was determined it would become my way of life.
Fast forward to a year later. I feel like a different person. I feel healthy in mind, body, and spirit... and that isn't something I've ever been able to say before.
A year ago I could barely walk two miles without being really short of breath. Today I can run five miles without stopping... not that it's always easy or doesn't have its obstacles... I've worked to build endurance, fought through fatigue, shin splints, and complete discouragement. Some days I'm completely unmotivated. A year ago my diet consisted of a lot of processed or fried food and very few fruits and vegetables. Today I eat a healthy, balanced diet but still enjoy my treats. Food is still something I love, but not something that can control me. Again... there are still bad days. I still want to turn to it emotionally at times and I continue to work on that. Let's just say I'll always be a work in progress, but today I love the person that I am! And I'm working to become better every day!
Monday, March 31, 2014
reasons to love my body
I am always looking for reasons and reminders about why I love my body.
As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better. "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself." "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy." As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time. I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset. Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds). And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.
A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem. Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines. These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more? Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them! Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies! You're too white, wear bronzer! I could go on, but I think you get the point.
Exercise used to be a chore. A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was. Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are. Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure. (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)
There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself. Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life. I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did. Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome. Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.
I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year. And why I should love my body. Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time. It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache. And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now. Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself. A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.
I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world. I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with. But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.
As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better. "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself." "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy." As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time. I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset. Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds). And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.
A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem. Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines. These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more? Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them! Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies! You're too white, wear bronzer! I could go on, but I think you get the point.
Exercise used to be a chore. A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was. Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are. Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure. (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)
There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself. Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life. I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did. Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome. Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.
I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year. And why I should love my body. Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time. It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache. And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now. Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself. A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.
I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world. I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with. But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
it's a journey
Since starting travel nursing, running has become a new hobby of mine. That's definitely not a something I ever thought I would say, but here I am saying it. I feel as though I've had a breakthrough with fitness. Seeing it as a way to challenge and push myself, achieve goals, break my own personal records. And learning that it isn't about pushing my body to achieve a specific size and shape.
Yesterday I went running-- five miles (more than I've run in years)-- in the snow, ice, and rain. Call me crazy, but I actually do enjoy running in conditions other than hot and humid (take that, Florida!). I indulged in a little self-promotion that I rarely allow myself to do on facebook, and bragged on myself just a bit. I then included the statement that I felt badass because less than a year ago I was overweight and sedentary. And while I got plenty of likes for that status (because well, duh, that's why we post!) one comment stood out to me more than all of those likes. Essentially the gyst of this comment was that I was never overweight to begin with.
Of course, then I felt a bit silly.
I know I was never obese. I realize I don't know what it's like to be 30, 50, or 100+ pounds overweight. I've never claimed to. But I was a sedentary, over-eating and yes, overweight girl. I was unhealthy, even though I might not have admitted it at the time. I could barely walk a mile without being short of breath. I would bend over to tie my shoes and breathing became difficult. I felt stuck, I felt trapped. I felt like I would try to make extreme changes only to make even bigger failures and then feel even worse about myself. When I reached my breaking point last May when even my biggest clothes were way too small and I barely recognized who I saw in pictures, I knew something had to change. So I began a journey, one that I'm still on, and one that I'm still learning to navigate and probably always will.
I remember thinking to myself, "I'm 25 years old. Is this the prime of my life? Is this as good as it will get for me?" And I resolved that the latter part of my twenties would be better. That I would take care of myself. Every day is different. There are days I don't have a hard time with it at all. And days where I still wish I could just eat a whole pizza, ice cream and cake, and just not care. And sometimes I allow myself those (smaller) indulgences, and it's ok. But every day is part of my journey toward being a better, healthier person.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Settling into Life Here
I've now had two nights on the floor by myself off of orientation. Things are still hard. I do feel like I am figuring out the charting, but I am really missing the support system that I'm used to at my old job. Not to mention I still haven't felt like myself back on the floor. I know I am a good nurse. I have been told that by many people, yet since starting out here in California I have just felt really off. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like the old Nurse Nat when I'm taking care of my patients. Not that I'm being a bad nurse... I just don't feel like the good nurse I know I am. I'm hoping I start to feel like my old self soon...
I've been really trying hard to leave the stress of work at work. I actually had gotten really good at that back home, but out here it just seems to permeate everything. So, I'm working on that. Bela and I work mostly opposite schedules, which hasn't helped since often when I'm off she has to work. We did both have yesterday off, so we took the evening to set up our Wifi (THAT was a whole fiasco in and of itself!) and went out to dinner at Fuddruckers. We were both craving a good burger. Since we have been making fires in our apartment most nights cause of the cold, we decided to make s'mores last night. Delish! And after FINALLY getting the Wifi set up, we watched Parks and Recreation on Netflix. Yes, I have gotten Bela addicted to it. Best show ever!
Here is the delicious s'more I ate last night.
On my walk this morning, I decided to walk an extra large hill. The hills here in the Bay Area are killer, but the views are beautiful as a result! Totally worth it! Not to mention I'm getting into better shape. Hadn't been doing too great of a job since traveling out here with my eating or my exercising. And I just feel like crap when I'm not eating right and exercising.
There's a part of the trail I walk that I think looks like an enchanted forest. I took some pictures.
Doesn't that look like it belongs in Narnia?
So overall I would say things are going well. Of course I'm stressed, but I'm working on that. I have been a little homesick at times. Just for familiarity of home. I never thought I'd miss my home town, but at times I do. Though I know I will probably never live there again, it will always be home to me. But I am loving being in a new place also and exploring it. Tomorrow we plan on taking another trip into SF, this time hopefully to see the Golden Gate Bridge. The weather has been pretty rainy since yesterday though, so hopefully things will work out.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
This Body
A lot of things have had me thinking about the concept of body image in the past week.
Mine in particular, and how it has changed over the years.
Growing up, I was skinny. I loved to eat (especially sweets) and therefore always carried a little "sugar belly," yet I always remained stick thin otherwise. Because I'm so tall, I had a lot of growing to do before I ever filled out. So I was very skinny all throughout high school. I did begin to fill out somewhat in my sophomore year, though it was nothing to brag about. In fact, it was more disturbing to me.
Before this time, I never once in all my life thought about food and how it might make me fat, or compared my body to other girls. Not once had any of this entered my mind. I don't know what changed, but I remember looking in the mirror one day and realizing something. I didn't look like a model. My thighs weren't stick thin like they used to be. I was now a whopping size four, pushing a six. My stomach was chubby. Had something changed, or was I only just now noticing these "horrible flaws?"
I put myself on a diet. At age 15, five foot eleven inches and 145 pounds, I put myself on a diet. I even went through a short period of about a month where I was teetering around borderline anorexic behavior. I remember going to sleep at night, my stomach practically eating away at itself because I was so hungry. Somehow (and thankfully), this kind of living became tiresome to me so I quit-- at least the extremeness of it. I went to my grandparents' for Christmas and for the first time in a few months, let myself enjoy food. I knew then that food was something I wasn't ever going to give up for anything.
Over the next year, I continued to count calories. I wanted to make sure I stayed within my daily calorie quota so I wouldn't get fat (never MIND that I was never fat in the first place?!). During my junior year I put myself on a sugar fast from October until Thanksgiving. I did it again from March until May. I trained for the River Run so I could stay thin and maybe even lose weight. Then that summer in 2004, I went on the South Beach Diet. I lasted several months on that, but had an epiphany one day that I was 17 years old, thin, and didn't need to be on a diet. Ever.
So I gave all of it up. The dieting, the calorie counting, but not the exercising. I gave that up once I was half-way through college due to time constraints and lack of willpower. I stayed thin all through high school and most of college, mostly because I had a good metabolism. Was I stick-thin? Nope. But I was thin. My eating habits weren't healthy, but I was happy because at least I ate what I wanted and didn't feel guilty about it. If you've never tried it before, I can tell you it is immensely liberating.
Though I've never clinically suffered an eating disorder, I do believe throughout the years I have at times suffered from what they call disordered eating. I've gone on Weight Watchers twice since college. Both times I'm convinced did more harm than good. All of the other time in between I've been afraid to start any sort of lifestyle change, because I didn't want to fall into the same controlled, guilt-ridden mindset that always came with diets in the past.
I've written a lot of posts over the past few years concerning body image. All of which were written during a time where I was not eating healthy, nor was I exercising. And I don't regret that time at all. I have wondered if I'm hypocritical for my efforts over this summer to become healthy and active, and lose weight. Did this mean I had to take back everything I said? That I had to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong?
No.
Because I wasn't wrong. I believe all of it-- the horrible diets, the weight losses and gains--was just part of the journey for me. There wasn't a person who could have talked me into or out of any of those behaviors. And when they did, I suffered my greatest failures. You see, during the past few years, I learned to love myself. When I wasn't focusing on my weight, or calories, I had more energy to devote to other things. You're right, I was unhealthy. But I truly learned to love myself, that I had more to contribute to the world than a flat stomach and thigh gap. And I came to the realization eventually that it was time to treat this body that I love in a way that it really deserved.
That's what the past few months have been about. I've experienced peoples' approval and disapproval in the past few weeks of my weight loss, as well as my healthy eating habits. Sometimes the approval is appreciated, other times it comes across in an "it's-about-time" kind of manner. But I do feel like I've finally come to a point where approval or disapproval-- I don't really give a damn what people think.
It's been 11 years since the first time I thought my body wasn't good enough. I've spent a lot of that time hating my body, then learning to love it. Now I'm learning to treat my body like I love it.
It's mine for life.
Mine in particular, and how it has changed over the years.
Growing up, I was skinny. I loved to eat (especially sweets) and therefore always carried a little "sugar belly," yet I always remained stick thin otherwise. Because I'm so tall, I had a lot of growing to do before I ever filled out. So I was very skinny all throughout high school. I did begin to fill out somewhat in my sophomore year, though it was nothing to brag about. In fact, it was more disturbing to me.
Before this time, I never once in all my life thought about food and how it might make me fat, or compared my body to other girls. Not once had any of this entered my mind. I don't know what changed, but I remember looking in the mirror one day and realizing something. I didn't look like a model. My thighs weren't stick thin like they used to be. I was now a whopping size four, pushing a six. My stomach was chubby. Had something changed, or was I only just now noticing these "horrible flaws?"
I put myself on a diet. At age 15, five foot eleven inches and 145 pounds, I put myself on a diet. I even went through a short period of about a month where I was teetering around borderline anorexic behavior. I remember going to sleep at night, my stomach practically eating away at itself because I was so hungry. Somehow (and thankfully), this kind of living became tiresome to me so I quit-- at least the extremeness of it. I went to my grandparents' for Christmas and for the first time in a few months, let myself enjoy food. I knew then that food was something I wasn't ever going to give up for anything.
Over the next year, I continued to count calories. I wanted to make sure I stayed within my daily calorie quota so I wouldn't get fat (never MIND that I was never fat in the first place?!). During my junior year I put myself on a sugar fast from October until Thanksgiving. I did it again from March until May. I trained for the River Run so I could stay thin and maybe even lose weight. Then that summer in 2004, I went on the South Beach Diet. I lasted several months on that, but had an epiphany one day that I was 17 years old, thin, and didn't need to be on a diet. Ever.
So I gave all of it up. The dieting, the calorie counting, but not the exercising. I gave that up once I was half-way through college due to time constraints and lack of willpower. I stayed thin all through high school and most of college, mostly because I had a good metabolism. Was I stick-thin? Nope. But I was thin. My eating habits weren't healthy, but I was happy because at least I ate what I wanted and didn't feel guilty about it. If you've never tried it before, I can tell you it is immensely liberating.
Though I've never clinically suffered an eating disorder, I do believe throughout the years I have at times suffered from what they call disordered eating. I've gone on Weight Watchers twice since college. Both times I'm convinced did more harm than good. All of the other time in between I've been afraid to start any sort of lifestyle change, because I didn't want to fall into the same controlled, guilt-ridden mindset that always came with diets in the past.
I've written a lot of posts over the past few years concerning body image. All of which were written during a time where I was not eating healthy, nor was I exercising. And I don't regret that time at all. I have wondered if I'm hypocritical for my efforts over this summer to become healthy and active, and lose weight. Did this mean I had to take back everything I said? That I had to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong?
No.
Because I wasn't wrong. I believe all of it-- the horrible diets, the weight losses and gains--was just part of the journey for me. There wasn't a person who could have talked me into or out of any of those behaviors. And when they did, I suffered my greatest failures. You see, during the past few years, I learned to love myself. When I wasn't focusing on my weight, or calories, I had more energy to devote to other things. You're right, I was unhealthy. But I truly learned to love myself, that I had more to contribute to the world than a flat stomach and thigh gap. And I came to the realization eventually that it was time to treat this body that I love in a way that it really deserved.
That's what the past few months have been about. I've experienced peoples' approval and disapproval in the past few weeks of my weight loss, as well as my healthy eating habits. Sometimes the approval is appreciated, other times it comes across in an "it's-about-time" kind of manner. But I do feel like I've finally come to a point where approval or disapproval-- I don't really give a damn what people think.
It's been 11 years since the first time I thought my body wasn't good enough. I've spent a lot of that time hating my body, then learning to love it. Now I'm learning to treat my body like I love it.
It's mine for life.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Transforming Myself for the Better
All right, I'm back and after only a day!
Since I've started my journey toward being healthy, I've had a lot of people ask me just how I've done it. I think maybe they expect to hear I've gone on some cleanse or extreme diet. That there's some magic food or pill I've found that helped me drop the weight.
Honestly, the answer is simple and hard at the same time. I've exercised a 5-6 days a week, and eaten intuitively. I've done it the long, hard way. In other words, instead of a crash diet that would have had me dropping this weight in half the time, I've worked very hard and ate healthily to get to where I am. Because I've crash dieted in the past and failed, I knew that was something I didn't want to do. I wanted this to be a true lifestyle change. Not the ones you hear about on TV where "lifestyle change" barely even fits into your actual lifestyle. I knew that I wanted to still be able to go out with friends and have a drink or a big meal and not beat myself up about it. In other words, I have my cake and eat it too-- but I get up the next day and pick back up my healthy eating habits. I don't allow it to be a daily occurrence like it once was.
For me this was not just about wanting to "look hot." Sure, I want to look my best. But my weight was giving me a myriad of health problems. My lack of activity was beginning to rear its ugly head in the form of health problems no 26-year-old should be dealing with. If this was as good as it was going to get, then I was going to be really depressed about life. No, I want to feel young and healthy and energetic. And I didn't.
I decided to go ahead and upload some photos. I have some "before" ones, but honestly I still can't bring myself to let anyone see them. I still feel like that girl... my self esteem hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me yet. I'll get there.
This was taken in late June. When I was first seeing results from my efforts. I rewarded myself by getting a new workout outfit at Gap and of course, taking a selfie in the dressing room mirror.
Swimming with my sister. This is just from a few days ago. I felt so good!
See? I do eat sweets sometimes! This was from Kilwin's-- I can't remember what it was called but it had milk chocolate, pecans, and caramel. I also had fro-yo right after. Delish.
From dinner on that same night- a mojito. Again, I like to indulge sometimes!
And from today. My wardrobe has basically gone down to nothing so I had to go to Target for some affordable clothes. Sad that I now have a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear, but I'm excited about starting to build a new one!
And I decided to fancy it up on Instagram with a filter and border. Makes my life look so whimsical, doesn't it! Less classy though when you realize it's a selfie in the Target dressing room. And I bought both of the above outfits.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
I don't usually let a month go by without posting anything here. I haven't really had a whole lot to say. I've been busy with working and living life. Doing a lot of thinking, taking care of myself.
I feel like I'm in the best place I've been in a long time-- maybe ever. I feel better than I've ever felt. I've made strides I didn't think I could make.
I've kept up with my walking all summer. This week I changed it to running, and amazed myself by running a mile straight-- two different days. It doesn't sound like much but for me, it is. I know that the extra weight I was carrying was holding me back from being able to do that. Something that I thought would be impossible a few months ago I have been able to do, and it wasn't even that hard. I'm already starting to think about possible 5k runs. This would never have been the case three months ago!
And another new activity I've added this week: swimming. I love it! My sister Hannah is training for a light triathlon and asked me if I would want to swim with her to help keep her motivated. Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it, plus it's great exercise! I've been needing something new for awhile now. Variation keeps me from getting bored, and makes me love being active!
So I'm celebrating small victories this week. I think the small victories really are the biggest ones. They have come when I've least expected them, and resulted from a lot of hard work.
I feel like I'm in the best place I've been in a long time-- maybe ever. I feel better than I've ever felt. I've made strides I didn't think I could make.
I've kept up with my walking all summer. This week I changed it to running, and amazed myself by running a mile straight-- two different days. It doesn't sound like much but for me, it is. I know that the extra weight I was carrying was holding me back from being able to do that. Something that I thought would be impossible a few months ago I have been able to do, and it wasn't even that hard. I'm already starting to think about possible 5k runs. This would never have been the case three months ago!
And another new activity I've added this week: swimming. I love it! My sister Hannah is training for a light triathlon and asked me if I would want to swim with her to help keep her motivated. Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it, plus it's great exercise! I've been needing something new for awhile now. Variation keeps me from getting bored, and makes me love being active!
So I'm celebrating small victories this week. I think the small victories really are the biggest ones. They have come when I've least expected them, and resulted from a lot of hard work.
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