Happy Thanksgiving

Family. Friends. Job. Home. Sisters. Brother. Car. Great Christmas movies. Holidays. Freedom. Great food. Health.

Just a few things I am thankful for. I was thinking today how funny it is to get on facebook this time of year and everyone is getting so sentimental about what they are thankful for. Believe me, I'm always one of these sentimental people. But I should be thankful for these things all the time. It shouldn't take a holiday to make me be thankful. I suppose it's great we have that yearly reminder, but today and tomorrow and the rest of the year I should realize the blessings that I have. I may think I don't have much, but I do.

Thanksgiving today with the Kerchers and Warrens. I hope it is a great day! It looks like it will be, with lots of food to go around. Great people and great food make for an all around great day.

And thus begins the Holiday Season. Six weeks of parties, eating too much, being with people, and a lot of stress. Maybe this year I won't let it overwhelm me. Tomorrow I will go shopping dark and early. I have been perusing the ads to find which stores I want to stake out early.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I think having kids must be one of the best things ever. It's super stressful, I'm sure, but in so many ways you get to re-live your childhood. Thinking today how thankful I am to have had such a wonderful childhood. Something a lot of kids don't get. In some ways I fault this awesome childhood for my many disappointments in life, but in many ways I'd give anything to go back to the naive innocence of those days. A time when I trusted everyone. I always thought the best of people. Life was so full of excitement in the little things. I remember when having pizza made the best day ever.

The Holidays always make me think back on many wonderful Thanksgivings and Christmases past. I probably spend too much of my time trying to re-create those good times. It's hard for me to accept life as it is. I want the ideal. I want the Hollywood movie with Bing Crosby singing a Christmas song in the background to make everything better. I want all my problems solved in 30 minutes, just like it happens on TV. At the end of the day I want all the loose ends tied together to make everything complete, everything happy. And sometimes it happens that way. But I still have to get up the next day and face the same struggles, the same insecurities, fight the same battles.

I suppose I'm feeling more depressed than usual at the prospect of this potentially lonely Holiday Season. I know Thanksgiving will be awesome, spent with the Kerchers and the Warrens just like always. There's no threat of change there, but having no family gatherings to look forward to at Christmas is just really hard for me. I have never missed a Christmas with my family before. Knowing that the traditions of evening dinners at Grandma's, Christmas Eve/Day celebrations, and post-Christmas festivities will go on without me is tough to accept. And knowing that it might be like this from now on is even worse to accept. I don't know when I'll ever be allowed to have much holiday time off.

My apologies for this giant pity party. I am just blowing off steam, and I'm sure it won't all be as bad as I think. Who knows, maybe I can find a new tradition to start for myself and Allison? And I suppose that's something I can be thankful for, that Allison and I will get to spend some of the time together, even if it's very little. Maybe I'll have friends over and cook a huge meal. Or have a dessert-making day with friends. There is so much I could do instead of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not going to let it get me down when the time actually comes.

On the last day of a 3-day weekend. It has been awesome! After the 29th I will have a 4-day weekend. Hip hip hooray! I worked out yesterday and lifted weights for the first time in months... and ohh my goodness am I sore! I'm so out of shape! I used to lift so much more, and I was pretty disappointed to see how little I was able to lift. Well, you have to start somewhere. Unfortunately it's tough when you are in the midst a bunch of guys admiring their own pecs in the mirror... please. I think that most guys who weight-lift must be really insecure. Next time you go to the gym please take note of the height of most of them... they tend to be 5'6'' and below, with a few exceptions. I find myself laughing silently throughout most of my work-out watching them strut from one end of the gym to the other.

Well, I should be going. Since it's Thanksgiving week coming up, I'm going to close with something I'm thankful for. And today that would be having a job. Things have worked out so wonderfully with it. I'm thankful.

That time of year is on its way-- and I'm EXCITED! I'm already listening to Christmas music, looking forward to Thanksgiving, and thinking up ways to spend my Christmas holiday. I just love, LOVE this time of year. This year will be different for me, but I will try to enjoy it somehow. I was also thinking that maybe in January or February I will go up north- and I'll be more likely to see snow that time than if I were to go at Christmastime. Right now I don't really feel sorry for myself not being able to join the family for Christmas, but I do think that when it gets closer I will.

Work is really going well. I'm learning a lot, although there are still days I leave absolutely hating it. But I can at least go in and have a fresh start. I work tomorrow and then get a three day break. I think what is frustrating me is that I have been working all of these weekends, and feel as though it is interfering with a lot. I work the 4th and 5th, both the nights of the church Christmas dinner. Speaking of church, I haven't even been in more than three weeks. I wonder if there are churches in the area that have a Saturday or Sunday night service (that aren't Southern Baptist).

I've been struggling with being very lonely lately. Just lonely in general. It's difficult for me to reach out to people when I'm the one who is needy. I'd rather just curl up in bed and watch a sappy movie all alone than ask someone to listen to me. Lately I just feel as though I have no outlet. I feel as though I bottle up the stress, the frustrations, and everything else. I know this is sooo cheesy, but I always think of that song by Michael W. Smith, "Place in This World," and I feel like that is so much of what I'm feeling. (sorry, I know that's uber corny!) I mean, I just graduated college, I have reached a point in my life that I've worked toward for years! I'd think I would be so happy right now, but I'm not always feeling that way. Just struggling with the many disillusionments life has handed me in the past year. I know it's selfish because I'm so blessed. But at the same time, I don't want to have my feelings minimized. Because they are there, and they can really hurt sometimes.

Oh well, moving on. Life really is good, I'm just a big fat whiner.

I'm telling you, I have got to find a hobby on my days off. I'm definitely enjoying the free time, but I pretty much have nothing to do. Unfortunately I live in pretty much the most boring city in the U.S. so . . . not much to choose from.

I work for the next two days. I am actually looking forward to work (for the most part) and it gets a little bit better each week. It's still extremely stressful. There are still days I don't understand why I chose this. I thought I'd be on Easy Street after school-- HA! It seems I have much to learn. I suppose one of the perks is that I'm not spending my down time studying. I actually have down time.

Weight Watchers is going . . . ok. I have good days and bad days. I am sticking to it, but today is just one of those days where I want to choose to not care. I suppose it's also what you might call one of my fat days, which makes it even worse. I wonder why our minds do that-- one day we feel great, and the next we hit the lowest of lows.

Got my holiday schedule. It is pretty good. I don't work Christmas day (but I do work 2 days after it) or New Years Eve/New Years. That is a bonus! I will be able to party it up for New Years this year! For the first time ever, really. I also will have some good chunks of time off, but not at the right times for me to be able to travel up north. I have a 4 day chunk, 3 day chunk, and then another 2 days. Not bad if you ask me. Still somewhat of a bummer that I can't go up north with the family, but I will figure out a way to make it fun.

I took the plunge last week and signed up for Weight Watchers online. I ignored it for the first couple of days until Tuesday following a 10 Oreo binge the day before. It's true, I struggle with binge eating and I have felt like I have little or no control over it most of the time. Eating healthy takes a more than a conscious effort for me. It is a psychological game, and I hate it. Damn you, Hollywood. And yet I know it's my fault. The thing is, I'm not fat. I never have been, although you won't find the word "skinny" in a description of me either. People give me incredulous and sometimes disgusted looks when I mention wanting to lose weight or be healthier. When I turned 16, something clicked in my mind and I realized I didn't look like the magazine. I decided I wanted to, and it took me down a road that I have hated and regretted ever since. No, I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder but I struggle with eating just like all other women (and yes, I do believe that almost every woman has had an eating disorder at some point in her life, whether or not she'll admit it).

I turn to food for comfort. I turn to it when I'm sad. I turn to it when I'm depressed. I turn to it when I want to celebrate. I turn to it when I'm stressed. It sucks. I feel disgusted with myself when downing a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Yet it doesn't stop me.

So anyways, I'm hoping that this can be a turning point for me. I have made a decision to be healthy. I am finding Weight Watchers to actually be ok. It's not limiting. Yeah, I can't eat a bag of Doritos, but I really can eat whatever I want within limits. My hope is that I can get into healthy habits so I'm not stuck in this rut. I have found great recipes that are healthy and taste good too. Well, I'll let you know how it goes.

Work has been going pretty well. Thursday was a pretty bad day. Not awful, but definitely not one of my best. I find that I am expecting too much of myself and am angry when I fall short. I'm so thankful to have a great preceptor though who is so encouraging. I am enjoying my job. There are days I wonder why I'm doing it, but really I can't complain. I've now been on the floor about a month. Meaning I have two months left of orientation. Yikes!

Tired, tired. A good kind of tired, but still tired. Fortunately I have the next two days off, so I will be resting as much as I can. I'm hoping tomorrow I won't feel so tired.

I need to find myself a hobby for my days off. Any ideas? I honestly don't really have anything that I do on my days off other than resting, and while I definitely need that I think that finding something to help energize me would be good. I feel as though my life right now is work, and I don't want it to be that way.

I thought I would have more to say but I'm too tired to think anymore. So good night.