This Week

My aunt passed away this week. I am really sad, but I think I feel relieved for her because I know she is so much better now. She knows Jesus and I know she is in heaven right now. What a comfort!

This week has been ok. Monday night I was just feeling really anxious about changing to a new clinical instructor, being at a new hospital, and just the stress of school in general. But the day went really well (although it was pretty boring). Today I went to a homeless clinic downtown and basically took vitals for patients, checked blood sugars, that sort of thing. It was pretty slow.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I'll most likely just be going to the Reformation party with the family, which is fine with me! I find that after my crazy schedule I just can't do the whole "social" thing so much. The last thing I want to do is stay out late. I commented last week to Allison that we were both in bed by 11 o'clock last week, on a Friday night. We were exhausted!

Tomorrow I have a checkpoint in adult health. Not exactly looking forward to it, but what can you do? I have studied, and will study more tonight, so hopefully I will do better on it. We'll see. I'm still going to the tutoring session as well, because I will take any help that I can get! I will get through this!

Well, I need to eat some supper and try to get a little studying in.

Psalm 143:8

"Let the morning bring me word of Your
unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul."

A Good Weekend

I'm in Orlando right now with Allison. I really needed to get away and it has been nice, although it probably means I'll be up late tonight working on some papers and studying. Oh well! It's worth it to get a break! I feel a lot better about everything now- it's good when you can get away and put things in perspective.

Friday night we really didn't do anything too much, since I couldn't get here until after 8 and we were both really tired out after the week. But yesterday we got pumpkins and drove around O-town for a while because we found rejection after rejection. We came back and went to a party for Allison's former RUF minister, which was pretty fun considering I didn't really know anybody outside of Allison and her roommate. Afterwards Allison and I came back and carved our pumpkins- and they look really good! We used the special designs that come with the kit, and it turned out really well. I will definitely post pictures at some point.

The tutoring session I went to on Friday was so helpful. I will definitely be going to that every week. It's nice to sit down and talk about what we did in class that day- which was heart failure. It's a grad student who is doing the tutoring, but she has been a nurse for 28 years so she is extremely knowledgeable. She was very understanding and patient when I needed more explaining. There was one other lady there as well, who is in the accelerated program, and I think I feel a little better now about my schedule after talking to her. They run the accelerated students into the ground.

And I'm starting to get a cold. Ick. I can't figure out where I caught it either. Anytime I'm out in public and people are coughing and sneezing all over the place I just want to smack them around and teach them how to cough into their hands, away from people! I honestly wonder if some people have no concept of that, y'know? Oh well. It stinks to go to clinical when you have a cold, but they make you anyway. Doesn't that seem kinda wrong, considering you could get an already sick patient sicker? I don't know, but I'm hoping this will pass soon.

We are about to go to church, and I will be going home this afternoon. The weekend is almost over but it's been a good one and I'm glad to have gotten away for a little bit. :)

Frustrations

I am feeling more stressed right now than I have in my entire life. I have become an over-stressed, high-strung, anxious, panicked, nervous wreck- all the time. I'm losing my appetite because I feel sick with anxiety half the time. I am near tears for no reason and I just can't stand it anymore.

Yes, I'm sitting here venting. Yes, I'm complaining just like I said I never would. I'm more stressed than I said I would allow myself to be. I just can't bottle it up anymore! Today I expressed that I just feel like giving up and quitting- and got incredulous looks from friends who couldn't believe I was saying it. Yes, I feel like quitting, but how I feel isn't going to translate into my actions- I'm going to keep at it and work even harder. Of course I'm not going to act on these feelings, but I can't ignore them either. I have to cry sometimes- do I always have to maintain the tough exterior that people expect? Do I always have to act like everything in life is peachy? If I express that I feel a certain way, don't sit there and give me advice or tell me my feelings are wrong. I'm not asking for advice, and I'm certainly not asking for you to tell me what I should do, or tell me that my feelings are not justified. So here you go, my frustrations coming out. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Needless to say, I'm glad that it's the weekend. I will be studying, but I won't have to deal with people, which is sometimes the most energy-draining and frustrating part of school and life in general.

Well, I'm sorry and if you are upset by my complaining you can completely disregard it. I just had to let it out, and now I'm going to go to a tutoring session to hopefully get some help with my studying. Toodles.

Midterms are over. Not exactly what I hoped for, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with a final if I work really hard. I'm going to be studying my butt off even more, but it will be worth it in the end. I will make it through! And God is good no matter what. How can I question His goodness and His calling based upon circumstances? I can't. I have to trust even though right now I don't feel like it at all.

I had my overnight shift in the ER Friday night. Talk about tough! I woke up at 5 am on Friday morning and didn't go to sleep until 7 am the next day. I have never stayed up all night in my entire life, and am surprised I was even able to do it. I still haven't recovered from that though. It was a pretty busy night. I got to do a lot of skills (got lots of experience hanging IV's!). I also saw somebody die, which was sad for me. They were older and had lived life, but it still was just weird to watch someone die. It felt morbid to stand by and observe while a person is dying, even if all preventive measures were taken. That was definitely not my favorite part of the evening, not that any of it was great. I slept about five hours when I got home and then spent the rest of the day studying. I took another midterm today that I think I did pretty well on, and have hope now that this will be worth it.

And now I'm going to go take a nap.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation-
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?
. . . Though and army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
. . . I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."

-Psalm 27: 1, 3, 13, 14

"I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and
my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
He is my shield and the horn of
my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the LORD who is worthy of
praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around
me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears."

-Psalm 18:1-6

Clinical

Just chillin by the jaguar

Yes, it is a jaguar nurse. And a very stereotypical one at that.

My whole clinical group! I have had so much fun with them so far!

I have become so convicted about my attitude this semester. Yesterday in class I was stressing about this midterm to my good friend Tatyana, and she began to encourage me by telling me that God has brought me this far, and I can trust Him to carry me the rest of the way. Being my obnoxious self, I smugly told her that I have a personal responsibility and can't just say I'm trusting in God to get me the grades, and left it at that... I felt so convicted by that later on and had to call her and apologize and thank her for her encouragement. I realized through that incident that I have been relying entirely upon myself this semester. I have wanted to prove to myself that I can do it, and the truth is, I can't without God. I have already proven through my checkpoint grades that I can't do it on my own! Again, this doesn't take away from personal responsibility but I should never rely upon myself. I'm so self-centered.

Something last night a girl in my BSF group said is helping me so much. She is a doctor and one of the most brilliant people ever, and said that when she doesn't always feel like she knows much, she remembers that God is her competence. And I just think that is such an awesome thought! I'm taking care of people created in the image of God- He created them! He is my competence when I don't feel like I know anything. Just a neat thought.

Clinical today was pretty good. It was uneventful because I was in cardiac cath lab and wound care, so I didn't get to do anything interesting. We took pictures afterwards so I'll post some later on. I'm exhausted due to getting up early, but physically I don't feel too tired.

I'm trying not to stress too much about this midterm. God is in control, and I'm going to go in there and do my best (which I have to remember doesn't mean being the best) in reliance upon Him.

I'm so worried about this midterm coming up on Friday. If any of you think about it and could pray for me, I would appreciate it so much. I have studied my butt off so far in this class, and it never pays off in the checkpoints. Then I hear other people who come in and "barely studied" and they are making better grades than me. Not that I'm in a competition, but why is all my studying not paying off? I know I don't learn at a fast pace, but I am not used to making bad grades. I don't understand how my teachers can tell us we are doing fine when we make 50's and 60's on checkpoints and expect us to make a 70 average on the midterm and final. Something is wrong with that system of teaching. Seriously, 80 % of the class makes below 70's on the checkpoints and the teachers tell us that it'll all pan out in the end. And they don't understand why we get so worried about it. Well we haven't been here before, we don't know how it'll turn out, so I think we have good reason to be a little worried about our final grade.

*SIGH* I'm just having a panic attack right now so don't mind me. It is frustrating to not know what is going to happen. Every semester I go through panic mode about this time, wondering if I'll pass, and then afterwards I wonder why I ever worried. I hope it's the same way with this one because I'm about to go crazy. This class isn't really a reflection of how much you know, but of how good your critical thinking skills are. That's the hardest part. What have you learned and now how are you going to apply it. Scary.

Well, instead of sitting here ranting and raving about this midterm I should probably go study for it. Please pray for me.

Seventh week down. Where does the time go? This semester still feels new, and we are almost half-way through. After next week I will officially be half-way through nursing school.

I finally got started on my homebase community hours today. We are working with kids at one of the community centers, doing fitness with them. It was a lot of fun, but very tiring. I'm getting old- I can hardly keep up with the kids anymore! We tried the Indian run at first, and that ended up being a disaster with 20 kids of all ages. So we did relays for awhile and did a good bit of stretching. I'm bringing a whistle next time because it was impossible to talk over all the kids.

I am so tired right now. Those kids wore me out more than any 12 hour clinical does! :) It was fun though. They were so excited to see us when we got there. A couple times they had me doubled over in laughter. Always a good break from school.

Midterms are coming up, and I don't feel ready. I spent so much time studying for the checkpoint this week, and it still didn't pay off. How am I going to pass the midterm? I don't know what I will do if I don't pass. Please pray for me if you think about it, that I will apply myself and learn what I'm supposed to.

I'm starting to get excited about the fall/holliday season coming up. I love this time of year. I'm going to try to enjoy it regardless of the stress I'm going through. You know, if I wasn't stressed about school, it would be something else. So I'm trying to enjoy the little things I can even amidst the craziness. It's the only way to stay sane. Maybe in two weeks I'll get a pumpkin and carve it. And I'm going to start thinking about a Halloween costume too. ;) If I get through these midterms, there will be fun times ahead!

thoughts of a nursing student

I had another great day at clinical today! Pretty crazy in the morning, but a great day indeed.

In some ways, this semester I have felt so disillusioned by nursing and the medical field in general. I see nurses who are over-worked and stressed, who are under-appreciated and even some who can't take the time to do so many of the things that a nurse should do. I see some that don't love what they do. I see doctors who don't seem to really care about their patients, who strut around telling nurses what to do, and treat patients like projects rather than people. That's not to say that they are all like that, or even a majority of them like that (really, it is a small majority but they seem to stand out the most), but it is so frustrating when a doctor walks into a room, doesn't know a patient's name, and leaves less than five minutes later. While I highly respect doctors and realize that their jobs are even crazier than nurses', it still frustrates me to no end that some of them can't take the little extra effort to treat patients like people.

I hope that when I graduate and start my career, I don't lose sight of why I'm doing this. I don't want to treat patients like they are nothing but their diagnosis. I want to know them, to advocate for them, make them feel as comfortable as possible, to help give them the best quality of life possible for them. Yet I feel as if this is impossible, because people tell me you become jaded when you get out into the field. I don't want that to happen, and how can I prevent it? I have come to see why some nurses don't last very long.

I have seen some nurses who love what they do, who love their patients, and love to share their knowledge. These are the nurses that I want to be like. And I have to note that I have seen a lot of great doctors as well, and can't praise what they do enough. I don't want to convey a dislike of doctors, because I have always respected them. I just understand now why there is such a shortage of nurses.

I'm tired. I'm going to eat supper and watch the debate. And I will sleep well tonight. I'm loving what I'm doing. It will be a great career!

Rambling

Today has been a good day. I was able to sleep until 8 o'clock, watch a little morning news, drink my coffee, and spend several hours studying. I also pretty much finished my paper, so I feel pretty accomplished right now. The last few hours I have been trying to get back into the zone with studying, but it doesn't seem to be working so well anymore. Well, I don't feel too stressed because midterms are still two weeks away, and I already have a good amount of studying under my belt as a foundation. I will try to keep up with it every day. *Try being the key word. :)

Lately I have begun to feel like I'm really staring to get this stuff. Not completely, and I suppose that I'll never arrive there (who ever does?), but I just feel like things are starting to click. Especially meds. When we took patho/pharm last semester, half the time I felt like things were going over my head and I wasn't getting it. Now I realize that class was the foundation I needed, because I'm actually drawing from what I learned, and remembering more and more as I see different patients, or study for adult health. I see diagnoses and what meds they are on and a little lightbulb appears over my head. :) Assessing patients is still a little shaky, but that's why they still have us in school now, isn't it? I'm learning. Praise God, I'm learning!

I will be glad October 20th is here. After that, all of my midterms will be over and I will be well into the second half. I just pray that I pass. People always say, "Failing is never an option!" Well it's not an option but it sure is a possibility. You just have to face reality. Although I know that God has a plan and nothing I do will thwart it, that doesn't take away the personal responsibility of working hard and doing my best, as to the LORD. I think that sometimes as Christians we sort of have the "let go and let God" (I've never really understood what that means) mentality and don't want to take personal responsibility. We use God's sovereignty as an excuse to be lazy. Wow, that sounds horrible even to write it out but I think that I do it all the time. I say, God has a plan and even if I do this or don't do that, it'll happen anyway. I don't want to take responsibility. I do that all the time.

Do I work hard because I want to get good grades? Or do I work hard because I want to glorify God? I have to ask myself those questions. And when I'm slacking off and not doing my best (which happens more often than I'd like to admit), it is simply because I'm lazy, I am not working to glorify God, and I'm selfish.

The weather has been simply glorious the past two weeks- I have woken up to temperatures in the low 60's (even hit 59 Friday morning!) and the day never gets much above the 70's. I have never seen this in September/October. Maybe it's global warming.

Today is one of those days when I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I am trying to be diligent and start studying for midterms, and my mind keeps wandering off somewhere else. So, why not take a break and let it wander for awhile.

Yesterday I again spent the day feeling under the weather. Not as bad as last week, but I just felt headachy and lethargic most of the day. I ended up taking a three hour nap. For some reason clinical just wipes me out! I can't figure it out. I did get something productive done, but not nearly what I should have. I was never affected like this last semester after 12-hour days (although last year they were never as intense as they are now). I guess I just need to make sure I am getting more work done Thursday through Monday because it looks like Wednesdays are going to be pretty much shot from here on out unless something changes.

I'm at the library right now to make up for lost time yesterday. Although I'm having a hard time concentrating, I do feel that I've gotten some productive studying done. It is just getting to the point where it is not productive and the information is not being retained. Part of my problem is I'm hungry. Not a fun way to spend the day. I will probably leave in about an hour or so.

I'll be going to Amanda's spinning class again tomorrow. I did it last week and it was pretty good. A hard work-out, and something I definitely need! She does it three days a week but I can only make it out on Fridays after class. I should try to exercise at least two other days on my own. Maybe that will help me feel less tired a lot of the time. Well, that and actually getting a good night's sleep.

I can't wait to graduate. I was looking online last night for places to live after I'm done. Looks like St. Louis is the place, but really anywhere in the NORTH would be great. I'm tired of hot and humid weather 90% of the year. You can tell me that St. Louis gets super hot and humid weather and I won't argue that, but they do not get it March through October with hot days sprinkled in throughout the winter months as well. We do and it is absolutely miserable. You wake up and step outside in the morning and immediately start sweating, can hear your hair frizz, cut the air with a knife and know that it is only going to get worse as the day progresses. Welcome to Florida.