reasons to love my body

I am always looking for reasons and reminders about why I love my body.

As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better.  "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself."  "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy."  As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time.  I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset.  Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds).  And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.

A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem.  Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines.  These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more?  Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them!  Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies!  You're too white, wear bronzer!  I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Exercise used to be a chore.  A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was.  Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are.  Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure.  (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)

There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself.  Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life.  I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did.    Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome.  Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.

I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year.  And why I should love my body.  Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time.  It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache.  And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now.  Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself.  A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.

I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world.  I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with.  But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.

...and we're staying!!

Well, in this week's news, turns out we do get to renew here in Spokane!  A trip to FL is still in the works for this Friday since we bought our tickets home well before knowing we'd renew, but once we get back we will renew for another four weeks.  I had been so disappointed to have to move on, especially only getting to experience Spokane in the snow and ice.  Though I have enjoyed that aspect of it (seeing if I can really survive a deep north winter-- turns out I can!), I am definitely ready for spring and have heard so much about how beautiful Washington is this time of year.

I'm feeling in pretty good spirits right now after this news, plus having a really great and relaxing few days off work this week.  I feel like it is just a taste of what the last four weeks here will be like.  The weather today was beautiful.  We decided to do a little exploring and thanks to the awesome suggestion of our landlord, found ourselves at Lake Coeur d'Alene.  We ended up hiking one of the trails, then driving around for a good hour just enjoying the scenery.

Life...well it's pretty good right now.  There's something about being out here--exploring, experiencing new things... it just makes me feel so alive!  I'm still loving the running, and am now looking to train for a half marathon in the next few months.  See, now that I've written that down, I actually have to do it!  :)  However there is a part of me that is ready to visit home again, so this FL trip definitely is coming at a good time.  It will be good to re-connect with people, visit some of my old haunts, and just relax in the sun (haven't gotten a lot of that out here).  A beach trip has already been planned, and I'm sure a few more will be in the works before long.  Can't wait!

Tomorrow starts a busy week of working (with a farewell-turned-celebration potluck), packing, and traveling.  Looking forward to it!

thoughts

I've just finished working the last six out of seven nights.  I am so beyond tired, I feel sick!  Honestly don't think I've been this tired in a long, long time.

Not only was this week one of the roughest schedules I've worked in along time, it also was among the roughest several nights I've worked in a long time.  It's very rare that work brings me to the point of tears, but this week I found myself at that point several times.  I can think of some of my most overwhelming nights, and these went beyond that.  Finally at the end of the week I had to ask the charge nurse to please change up my assignment for the last night.  Thank God last night was actually decent!

We got home from work this morning and the sun was shining and the sky was so blue.  I was tired but wanted to be out in the sun so badly so I decided to go for a run anyway.  Turned out to be a bit of a mistake as my body completely rebelled the last two miles out of exhaustion.  But at the end I still decided to walk another mile, because the weather was just too beautiful!

As I took in the scenery around me (for the first time WITHOUT snow) I became really overwhelmed by this whole experience.  All the places I've gotten to see, the new experiences.  And just how wonderful this particular assignment has been.  I know that I might not ever get to experience one quite this awesome again.  The location, our housing, co-workers... everything has just been amazing!  I feel really attached here, and it's going to be really hard to leave.  I'm actually really sad to be leaving Spokane behind.  I'm trying to remember that there is a reason for it.

I'm off for the next four nights... SO ready for a break!

some introspection on this tuesday night

I have had horrible writer's block lately.  Keep getting on here to write and while I feel like I have so much to say, I just can't get it out into words on the screen.  So here's trying again, hoping that something of substance materializes here tonight.

Spokane has been an awesome assignment.  AWESOME.  I am praying that we get asked to renew this contract, as I have just loved every aspect of it.  The actual assignment itself is a challenge, don't get me wrong.  The floor we work on is definitely a PCU and can be a huge challenge, though I still feel I've dealt with worse at my old job so I can't complain.

I can't believe we are half-way through this assignment.  Time has flown so fast, but it's like that when you're having fun I'm told.  We are living a ways outside of civilization (for me, anyway) so days off honestly aren't spent in an extremely exciting manner unless we take a trip into Spokane.  My focus has been hugely on my health and fitness, and I can honestly say I'm enjoying it (in the snow, rain, and ice, too)!  I've challenged myself in ways I haven't in years... and for once the focus is on rising to the challenge and pushing myself rather than just what size I am and whether I've gained weight or not. We love trips to Target and Trader Joe's.  We've decided Trader Joe's is a discovery of finding a new snack to enjoy each time we go.  So far, we've found a lot!  I love Trader Joe's!

We took a trip to Seattle last week, which was pretty awesome.  Honestly, Seattle just wasn't quite what I thought it would be.  I think the cold rain had a lot to do with my disappointment, so I'm hoping one day to give it another chance.  I think I could love Seattle (I mean, there are like 75 Starbucks in the downtown area alone... hello!) but that one weekend just wasn't quite enough.  I will say, however, that Cafe Nouveau had the absolute BEST croissant I've ever tasted... twice-baked almond!  We even went back on our way out of Seattle just for that.  I am still dreaming of that, still dreaming of it.

As for just this whole adventure of travel nursing... I'm SO glad that I decided to do this.  There has been something so incredibly liberating about just picking up and going across the country.  To the complete unknown, with nothing but a sense of adventure and a friend at my side.  Which is what makes it as awesome as it's been.

It isn't that I didn't know who I was before embarking on this... but I've learned SO much about myself and the world in the past four months.  Branching out and seeing that there are different cultures, different ways of life, different viewpoints, all of that... honestly nothing I believe or think has changed since leaving Florida.  But it has been re-affirmed again and again.  Let's be honest, I'm not quite the diligent, conservative girl who never questioned anything that I was just a few short years ago.  There's a lot about the south that I miss, don't get me wrong. (my family and friends, Chick Fil A, Publix, just to name a few...)

There's something about the Northwest.  I don't know what it is... I just feel that I've grown into myself out here.  I can't even express what I'm trying to say.  Just that this experience has been so amazing, and I am so incredibly grateful to God for giving it to me.  I think I might be able to better express these thoughts another time... I'll leave it at that for now.