I talked with a couple of nurse practitioners from one of my favorite medical groups at the hospital. I feel almost inspired to go back to school.... almost. I think I will need at least a good 5 years or so before I can think about it, but quite honestly I have not ruled out the possibility of grad school. I don't know, talking with them on a nurse-to-nurse level instead of the nurse practitioner giving me orders was neat. NP's are often easier to deal with anyway, they have been where we are.

Speaking of which... yesterday was my year anniversary at the hospital. Can you believe it... I've been a working Registered Nurse for a whole year! How is that possible? A year experience you can put on your resume. I'm actually somewhat marketable in the nursing field!

In some ways I look at myself and my skills, and wonder how am I a year in and still know so little? But then I also realize how much I've learned, how much I've grown. When I made the decision to be a nurse I had absolutely no idea what I was in for. I've had days that have made me want to pull out my hair, scream, cry... I've had days that have left me crying... I've often felt that as a nurse it is nearly impossible to have any real impact on people..."I'm sorry you are crying and you are heartbroken but I don't have time to listen to you because I've got stat meds I have to give in the next room..."

I realize how much I love what I do. And I know I hate it and I love it, but ultimately, I really do love nursing. It has taken a lot of growing for me to feel that way... and will take a lot more growing yet.

I feel like all I talk about on this ridiculous blog is nursing. Chalk it up to my lack of social life... but it is a big part of my life. I know in my last post I talked about how it has become an idol in my life, and I know I need to work on that. I think I have lost my focus for how to live life outside of work... I've become withdrawn and rather grouchy. I try to be good at what I do, but I am not good at life.

And so, on to conquer the next four days off. So much to do! And it's sleepy time... I'm beat.

Today is the first Saturday of fall. And being a hot, sunny day, why not go to the beach? That's what I did! Sometimes I do like Florida. I'm still tired of the heat, and I am still ready for some cool weather. But it was really a good day, full of relaxing, creepy creepers at the beach (yuck), Chipotle, Saturday night church, and La Nop to top off the day.

Work. Had my first big emergency with a patient this week. I thought they were going to die. But I felt very good about my intervention, I was on top of things and we were able to get the patient to CCU while stabilizing her. I felt like a real nurse. My charge nurse even complimented me after that I was very on top of it and did a great job, and that felt really good. Sometimes I feel like my nursing judgment isn't where it should be, but when I got this patient I knew something was just not right. But I was running on adrenaline, (something I didn't expect when it comes to emergencies) and after it was all over I felt like crying for no good reason but that we made it through...

Bravery. Something I wish I had. I don't mean bravery in great deeds, but just day-to-day life. I don't "put myself out there" very often. I'm afraid of stepping on people's toes, or sounding really stupid, or just being worried about what people think of me. I was thinking today how I go to work and am (though stressed) satisfied with it. I know my place there, I know what my job is. I use work to be a big part of my identity. What about in life? I have found myself when being rejected by people, thinking how glad I am to be in my profession where I know my place. Does that make sense? I use work as an outlet I suppose. I can go there and not think about personal problems, and I can immerse myself in my work. I know that's not good.

Isn't it weird. The thing I say I hate has become my idol in a way.

I'm tired. Tired in a good way today, because it has been a fun day. Wish there were more like it. Most of my days off are spent in boredom. Here's to tomorrow being just as good!

Life is brighter today, as is often the case. Time with my mom and sister, as well as a good chat on the phone with another sister, will always help.

I believe I have found a place to live, and I'm excited. A very cute town house, spacious, just my type. Things did end up working out with the girl I met with a few weeks back, and we will be roommates. Eventually we will be looking for a third person, but for now what we have will work. So, does anyone know much about finding not-to-expensive furniture? Neither one of us owns one stick of furniture, and here we are moving into this incredibly spacious townhouse. Should be interesting, but I may need to learn the art of bargain-hunting in the next few weeks.

I feel very off with my sleep-awake schedule lately. Can't seem to sleep when I should, and can't seem to stay awake when I should. Maybe I should switch to nights--- ha!

Best purchase of this week. The pink is really pink. Like, hot pink. Bought them for work and I feel like I'm walking on air. Win. Let's hope it'll cut back on my back pain, which has been rearing its ugly head the last few months.

Well, on to conquer the next day. Which is technically already here, so first on the agenda is to get a good night's sleep.

Alone

Have you ever felt alone? So alone and lonely, you thought its blackness would consume you completely?

"Could it be You've made Your presence known, so often by Your absence?"

Perhaps life continues on, day-to-day like a band-aid for the aching emptiness that is inside. Work. Social life. Church. Fill in the blank. And when you are stripped of that, even if only for the evening alone in your cozy little bedroom where the world doesn't see, all you have is emptiness. Aching. Loneliness. That voice that creeps in, saying you are not enough and you never will be, and you know it is true.

I know there is One who is enough. I have not sought after Him. God, forgive me. I don't know how anymore. As I'm sure it is needless to say, and probably a little tacky to ask for on a blog, if you read this and could pray for me I would surely appreciate it. Don't mean to sound so emo, my mind is not a bottomless pit of depressing thoughts. But honesty is honesty.

Nursing

It's funny when I think about the fact that in my job, it is normal to be cussed at, yelled at, pooped on, punched, kicked, etc-- even sometimes harassed. Not that I take this as a good normal, but it is normal in my job daily.

It's weird. But it's not weird to me. I could probably share with you ten gross stories from the last couple days alone. Daily I clean poop and five minutes later am eating lunch in the breakroom without the least bit of nausea involved. I realize while I'm talking about it, that it is weird and you are probably thinking I'm weird and gross. I'm a nurse. Nursing is a disgusting, gross job. It's also a difficult job. I just worked three days in a row, one of them being among the hardest I've had yet.

If I meet someone who aspires to nursing, unlike others before me I tell them how horrible and awesome it is, how gross and rewarding it is, how daily you feel stupid and accomplished at the same time. I don't sugar coat it. I tell people think twice and then a third time about going into the profession. It's a great profession. Don't get me wrong, but it is not for everybody and it is certainly not what television portrays it to be. Some people are born to be nurses, some people become nurses and are transformed into nurses (I believe I fit into that category), and some people just aren't meant to be nurses. Don't think that just because you want to "help people" you should be a nurse. Keep in mind that some of the people you are helping may hit you, kick you, scratch you, pull your hair, scream at you, cuss you out, sexually harass you, berate you, and not appreciate you. You will be exposed to their MRSA, HIV, CDIFF, VRE, hepatitis, and more. But you must still care for them. You will still have to deal with them for 12 hours, clean them, medicate them, advocate for them, and be compassionate toward them. That is what nursing is. It is a profession, it is a way of life, it becomes who you are.

I'm glad I chose to be a nurse. There are days I don't feel that way. Definitely. But over all, I do love it. It is great. It is awful. It is what it is. And we make it through.

What a great day yesterday was. Friday night, Lauren, Sara, and I went down to Daytona Beach to stay at a friend's condo for the night. Awesome and relaxing girly time. Yesterday Allison drove up to hang out as well, and we spent the day lazing around the beach and pool and condo. And played in the waves! I have not played in the waves at the beach in a really long time. Just letting the water wash over you and riding with a wave is such a great stress buster. Of course, we had to come home last night, but we did have such a great day. I wish it could have lasted longer, as I do any awesome day, but am glad we got to do it even if it was quick. Talking, laughing, and being ridiculous is what it's all about when you're with your friends.

Second of five days comes to a close. I am trying to keep myself busy and not let myself be a couch potato. Although I haven't been too successful today, but I did go to church, spend some time with family, and get some grocery shopping done.

New obsession: Friday Night Lights. I'm completely addicted! I have spent way too much of the last two weeks watching it. I need to find a hobby, I really do!

Another little patient asked me on Friday if I was pregnant. It was actually really cute, because after she asked, she cried when I said no. And part of it was that she felt badly, but she told me that she just so wanted for me to be carrying a baby. Kind of an odd thing, but she was very sweet and wondered why in the world I could still be single. Then she asked me how I could be so confident after somebody wondered if I was pregnant even when I'm not. And I realized, it didn't even really bother me. I realized even as I said it out loud to her, that I'm actually ok with myself and the way I look. I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I'm not a size 2, I'm ok being ok with my size and shape. And what a great feeling that is! Of course, does it mean I will always feel that way? Probably not. But why should I exude insecurity and shame for the way I look? I have always thought I should explain to people that I'm "a little tubby and need to lose a little weight," like I have to prove to them I know I'm not some great catch. What the hell? I'm not talking about a false pride in pretending I'm something I'm not, but can't I look in the mirror and love what I see? Maybe this is just a pep talk to myself, because maybe the only person berating me and insulting me has been me all these years.

Ok, got that off my chest. I wish I was still laying out at the beach, but on to the next day and all it has to bring!

Fall is coming! Of course there is no real fall in Florida, but to me it has always signified the beginning of the best time of the year. I love everything about it. I love Halloween and all the decorations, I love pumpkin carving, I love cheesy Halloween movies on tv (not scary ones), and once Halloween is over you know the Holidays are just around the corner! Of course, it's still warm in November, but it doesn't dampen our spirits when we celebrate together. We all still put on relatively warm and season-appropriate outfits to celebrate in, get together with the Kerchers (what is Thanksgiving otherwise?) and just have fun. And Black Friday, I hate it and love it. People are such jerks, but if you can keep your attitude positive and not worry about it, it really is a lot of fun (especially if it's followed by breakfast and coffee at Cracker Barrel). And Christmas, even if it is going to be a little sadder once again this year, is still the best holiday of the year!

Pumpkin spice lattes are here at Starbucks! Yum... I've already had two in the last week. I had a good evening of hanging out at Tricia and Alex's yesterday, playing with Aidan and then a trip to Starbucks to talk for awhile afterward. It's great to have friend time. We watched Date Night afterward, and if you haven't seen it you must! It's not the funniest movie of all time, but if you are a fan of Steve Carell that is enough. He is hilarious!

Speaking of which, season 6 of The Office came out yesterday. And season 7 premieres this week. Hope it's a good season!

I work the next two days, then am off for five. Not sure yet what I'm going to do with five days in a row off... I can barely find anything to do with two or three! Hopefully it'll be good though.