I have been awarded the Happy Blog Award! So, here are 10 things that make me happy.

1) It's cliche, but it would be family. Parents, sisters, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles... being with any of them makes me happy.

2) Friends. I'm not a person with many friends, but I have kept good, solid friendships strong over the years. I'm not the most popular person, but I think the quality of the friends I have, rather than the quantity, means a lot.

3) Music. I love music. I have the oddest taste in music, not at all cool, not even quirky and indy enough to be super original, I just love the music I love. If you looked through my iTunes you would probably find it a snooze fest but I love it!

4) Reading. I have recently gotten back into reading after a hiatus from it due to school. I have never really been a huge reader, but I have always enjoyed it as a way to relax. Typically I read more fluff than anything else though, and probably need to find good substance.

5) Coffee. A nice, hot cup of coffee, especially on a day off in front of the tv.... it cannot be beat. There will DEFINITELY be coffee in heaven!

6) Exploring. I have recently begun to love museums, exploring the city, and just strolling around wherever I am. Wow, I really am a boring person!

7) Traveling. I actually have never traveled much, but the times I have I have loved it. Can't wait to get more traveling under my belt in the next few years!

8) Working. Now, I know I moan and groan about it on a daily basis, but honestly it does bring me some happiness because I enjoy it for the most part, it pays the bills, and I really like my co-workers. Some days it is the cause of my unhappiness, but I think it can be classified as something that brings me happiness.

9) Chocolate. Need I say more?

10) Skype. It is the best!

I think everyone's already been tagged, so there ya go.

Rambling

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this."

Spoken by the unicorn in The Last Battle, and it makes me long for heaven when I read those words. Someday we will know that feeling of belonging, of being home, where we were always meant to be. Sometimes I fear I love this world too much... yet I know it's not where I belong and I put too much stock into it.

I have recently been getting back into the Chronicles of Narnia. My brother has just discovered them through the movies, and we are glad he has found something to occupy his imagination that is not Star Wars. Anyway, just realizing how much I love the books (and the movies, because they have captured to a small degree what I always imagined when I read the books). I was reading through The Last Battle, which is probably one of my favorites as it portrays the end times in Narnia. I love the simplicity of the books, how they are a parallel of God's story for us. And on top of that I just love fantasy, so it's win-win! I've always wished for other worlds to exist... to step into a pool and find yourself in another place you never knew existed.

Work is going well. I have had a few good days this week, which was great after last Thursday-- a day which literally almost made me walk away and never look back. But those feelings are fleeting when they come, and that's when you just have to bite the bullet and get through it. I talked with Mrs. Zepp at church on Sunday, who has been a nurse for a long time, and it was soo wonderful to talk with her! She is very encouraging and understands exactly what I go through. I walked away from that conversation feeling very encouraged and refreshed, and realizing I'm not the first person to feel the way I feel about nursing sometimes. That it is, in fact, very normal.

Saw Leap Year with Lauren last night. She begrudgingly came along, since she doesn't like chick flicks, but I loved it! Completely unrealistic, but who doesn't like a story about meeting and falling in love with an Irish "man's man?" The scenery was beautiful, the music was awesome, and the story was, of course, cheesy. But it was a very clean movie and I was glad for that. I'm still telling myself life really happens like that... ha! Tomorrow I'm going to see When in Rome with Sara, so I'll let you know how that one is. I'm a sucker for cheesy unrealistic films!

Possibly going to a bonfire tonight, hopefully it will be fun and not too cold! I am going to invest in a few more warm clothes soon since I am going to Ohio in a few weeks and just realized it is going to be super cold there. For some reason I think I thought it would be up to like the 50s by then... right.

I was looking at pictures yesterday from my nursing school days. Missing them a little, but also glad they are behind me. However, in those days I never imagined the stress that being a nurse would bring me. Not at all!

They don't tell you that you get respect as little more than a "doctor's aid" (who "wakes patients up and takes their blood pressure") from those around you- not the trained professional that you are. They don't tell you that you get no smiles and thank-yous from 80% of your patients, and most certainly not from 90% of doctors. They tell you about getting four days a week off, but definitely not about the grueling aspect of being on for 12 hours three days per week, or that much of your days off is spent as a couch potato because you are so tired from work. They don't tell you how hard it is going to be at first- that on some days you are literally going to be on the verge of tears from the fear of having too much on your plate and not getting everything done by 7 and fearing losing your license. They tell you that the pay is pretty good, but what they don't include there is just how much work goes into a paycheck.

There is so much I didn't know coming in. Even while I was on orientation, I'm not sure I saw the reality of it all. But still, I do love my job. Somehow I'm still able to enjoy it, despite all I have just described. Maybe if I'd known how stressful it would all be after school, I might not have done it, so it is probably good I never knew. I am praying for a not-so-difficult week this week, but in the meantime am going to rest up until I go back in on Monday.

It looks like I might be going to Ohio in February to see Lindsey and Callie! I'm super excited and can't wait! I have not been on a trip like this in years... probably since the last time I visited them in Michigan (almost six years ago). Looking forward to good times with old friends, and seeing new places.

I had the most terrible day of work yesterday. So did everyone else on our floor. It was awful! Wow. I've had days like that, but not when I'm on my own. It was insane, and felt even more difficult because everyone else was experiencing it and the charge nurse wasn't really as available because of it. Hopefully there won't be too many days like that. I don't know how long I'd last if there were.

I'm realizing how quickly I'm becoming less and less the "new nurse." It kind of scares me. I feel as though they are expecting more of me so quickly. I guess I knew it would be this way, but in so many ways I just feel so new and overwhelmed by it all of the time. I hope this passes in a few months. I'm always told the first year is the worst, and I'm hoping it doesn't feel like this for another eight months. I will have gray hair by the end of it!

Happy to have today, tomorrow, and Sunday off however. As stressful as work is, it definitely has its perks in having four days off per week. Don't know what I'm doing today, but definitely NOT working!

By the way, I do like work. Promise!

I know I already posted today, but I found this poem online and it almost made me cry. It is sooo true! These are among the many things that have made me feel incompetent certain days. Please, be nice to your nurse.

I'm sorry in advance
Your bed's not made today
But I have a patient here
Whose chest pain won't go away.

I'm sorry in advance
You're not happy with your meal
Dietary does try hard sir,
To give it some appeal.

I'm sorry in advance
Your morning pills are late
I've a patient climbing out of bed
That I must try to sedate.

I'm sorry in advance
Your mattress isn't soft
We do need some new beds ma'am
But these things do cost a lot.

I'm sorry in advance
I didn't get to comb your mother's hair
I've a patient with emphysema
She's scared, she can't get air.

I'm sorry in advance
Your fathers still in pain
I'm trying to reach his doctor
I'll have to try again

I'm sorry in advance
Your dressings aren't yet done
But a patient has just passed away,
I offered solace to his son.

I'm sorry in advance
I'm not cheery as a bird
I've worked 12 hours, my feet ache
I asked for help, but no one heard.

I'm sorry in advance
I've only two hands and two feet
I'm trying to care for you, patient
Your needs, I want to meet.

My 12 hours now are 16,
No replacement could be found
My aching feet they cry out
My head begins to pound

I'm sorry in advance
I cannot meet your gaze My eyes are filled with tears Your face is just a haze.

If I could sit down for a minute
And maybe grab a bite
Phone my kids to say I love them
And I'll be late again tonight.

I'm sorry in advance
I didn't do all that must be done
If I worked any faster
I'd soon begin to run.

When I do get to hold your hand
Or wipe your furrowed brow
Please understand, dear patient
I care for you and how.

I see your pain, I sense your fear
Your anger in a glance,
Our health care service is failing you
I'm sorry in advance.

-Linda Leeson, LPN

I am just coming off a 3 in a row at work. So if I seem a little delirious... well, I am.

I drove to Orlando last week after work Monday night to go to Disney with Allison. And we had quite an adventure, because I broke down right at the toll booth on 417. It turns out my engine over-heated and I completely missed that... and fried the engine. I felt (and still do) incredibly stupid. So now we are down one car. Disney the next day was great though- we made it to Epcot, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios. For the first time ever, we did NOT go to Magic Kingdom! It didn't feel quite like the usual Disney day, but it was great because we got to do things we never have before- like see the Bug's Life show, Finding Nemo musical, the Little Mermaid show, things like that. Mount Everest was probably the best ride of the day, and much scarier than either of us remembered!

Thankfully I have today and tomorrow off, as well as this weekend. I am starting to get used to the routine of work. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to the stress, but at least I'll learn to tolerate it better. Yesterday was actually a really great day. No discharges, therefore no new admissions. That definitely can make a great day (unless your patients are really annoying). I'm often still scared to death to go into work, but honestly we have such a great team on the floor that I can always go to for help. Sometimes I feel like maybe I ask too many questions, but I'd rather do that than try to wing it!

Nothing else to report on, so good bye!

Florida is not Florida today. I am looking out my window, seeing gray skies, yellow grass, and I can not seem to get warm no matter how hard I try.

It is currently 35 degrees outside, a temperature I have only felt in FL on very, very rare occasions. And it has been like this for almost a week now. And I cannot help but love it. I'm not sure what it is about the cold weather that I've always loved. It's all so depressing and yet invigorating at the same time. Maybe it's the reminder on a day like today of my blessings. I sit here, bundled up with my slippers, warm in my hoodie, drinking a hot cup of coffee and (at the risk of sounding cheesy) shielded from the cold. Yesterday I discharged a patient who really had no home. Yes, they had a place to go, but preferred the streets. How sad to have nowhere to be and nobody to be with on days like today except for the cold streets of the city.

I realize 35 degrees would probably a welcome, warm temperature to some of you reading this, but believe me for us Floridians it is nearly unbearable! We don't own scarves, hats, gloves, coats, or boots. We don't know how to drive on the ice if it comes to that. I have driven in snow, but I'm pretty sure it's not the same. Our heaters can't even handle the cold, because it just never seems to warm up. I'm getting a taste of what it might be like to live up north. Would it really be something I want? Yes, I would answer, on a 95 degree day with 80% humidity.

I enjoyed a great day of friends yesterday. Two hours at Starbucks with the Kerchers, then later at Chili's for drinks with Lauren. We are attempting to plan a night in St. Augustine with friends this weekend, and I hope that it works out. I'm on my 3rd of three days off, work tomorrow, and get an actual weekend off! I'm SO excited!!! I have not had a Sat/Sun off since before December at least. It will be nice to have some time off with everyone else.

So, I have thus far had two days of being on my own at work. So far I have liked it, although they are not giving me a difficult team either. However, I find that there are still so many people to help me when I need it. I am asking no fewer questions now, I just simply have to go to the charge nurse or any other nurse nearby. I think the oddest thing about it so far has been making decisions on my own, and sometimes feeling a little lonely. Having a preceptor around, I have always had someone to talk to. It's so strange when it's just me. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

This weather the last few days has been amazing! We have not been getting temperatures above the 40s during the day, which is a big deal in FL. It has been getting into the 20s at night. This may not sound like such a big deal when you are from up north, but you have to understand in FL we are in no way prepared for these temperatures. Do you want to know, I own one winter coat, and it really can't even be considered a coat? Our heaters can't handle the cold temperatures, and neither can our electric bills. Every time I go shopping, it is cold everywhere. Our house is obviously not well insulated for this. It's just how it is. We simply are not used to being cold. I even saw on national news they are reporting on the record temps in FL. But you won't find me complaining about them! I enjoy cooler temperatures myself. My only complaint really is that I don't own many warm clothes.

Well, happy winter days. Stay warm!

New Years 2010

I haven't been one much for New Year's resolutions for a couple of years now. I never keep them. This year, I went out and bought myself a diary and resolved to start journaling again. I kept journals from the time I was 9 until I was almost 22. It stopped when my computer crashed last year and I lost two years' worth of journaling on my computer. I was actually really upset about that, but decided to keep up at least with blogging. But this year, I am going to write in my journal again, by hand so that there's no risk of losing it forever. A place where I can write my thoughts a little more un-filtered, and maybe my blog posts will stop being so woe-is-me as I know they have been recently. Maybe I can actually write something on here worth reading this year.

I am a huge fan of soundtracks. My most recent purchase was the Wall E soundtrack. I have been contemplating buying it for almost a year now. A very cute movie, and the soundtrack is also very cute and fun. If you haven't seen the movie, go out and rent it right now. It isn't the most exciting, but it is definitely adorable and worth it.

Looking forward to my first day on my own tomorrow! I'm excited. Although I'm afraid that feeling this way, I could potentially have a terrible first day. Well, I will just have to find out! It's time to just do it, and simply ask questions when I need help. I work tomorrow and Monday, then am off for another three days. Such an odd schedule that I'm not used to at all, but I'm excited since as of yet I have mostly only had a day or two off here and there instead of getting them in chunks of a few days.

Quote of the day: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist. -Michael Scott