Another Day

I definitely have had a most encouraging day today... something I definitely needed.  I'm still sad, of course, and still very emotionally drained.

I forgot to post about my latest results with the gym!  I weighed in last week and as I suspected, I actually put on some weight.  But my body fat percentage has dropped over two points (which would explain my cycle being off) and I've put on six pounds of muscle while losing two pounds of fat.  I could hardly believe that.  At this point, I'm thinking-- screw skinny!  I want to be stronger!

Now I'm taking it all with a grain of salt, because not every month will look like that.  I already feel the numbers game creeping up on me, but the numbers on the scale no longer mean nearly as much to me and that in and of itself is a huge freedom.  I've discovered that even if I perhaps "slip up" and am not as healthy in my eating habits, that I don't beat myself up about it.  In a lot of my research, eating a lot is very important when you are trying to build muscle.  So I feel that even if it means not losing unwanted weight, it most certainly will help with gaining the good kind.  Those numbers are much easier to deal with if you ask me.

Eventually I do want to work toward losing fat, but I've decided right now gaining muscle is my priority.  In fact it is the best way to increase your metabolism so that losing fat is possible.  I'm in it for the long haul.  Not looking for overnight results.  My trainer put together a meal plan for me that I was so tempted to throw back in her face.  Full of foods I don't care to eat, along with fake sweeteners, processed carbs, and almost all low-fat or fat-free items.  Sadly I am probably going to end up BS-ing that part.  I don't want to seem like I'm fighting against her, because she really is an awesome trainer.  But I have done plenty of my own research in nutrition, not to mention I consult with my sister who happens to be studying as a dietitian and is in her internship now.

Anyway.  As far as how I'm doing, well I'm ok.  Like I said, I'm definitely sad... I have peace, but I am sad and I am pretty lonely as well.  I've pretty much been pouring my time into staying busy as much as possible with running, working out, friends, reading.  I have picked up reading the Harry Potter books again, which is always a good world to get lost in when you are sad.  I know that there will be brighter days ahead, so I will keep on keeping on over here.

Heartbreak

I really do know how to set myself back.  I am in dire need of a reset of some sort.

I still haven't decided if I simply know my limits in a relationship, or if I really know how to sabotage something really good.  Something real.

Either way, I'm back to square one.

And I just want a break.

I am tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  My life is very full, it is very good.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a good job, I have wonderful friends, I have my health and my fitness.  I have what I need along with many things I don't need.  And while I don't look for a man to fulfill everything in my life, I am ready for someone who can complement the life that I have.  Someone who can make it better... who can make me better, and vice versa.

I have a feeling that I have given up that chance, at least for a long time.  I certainly don't get over people easily, and I don't move on easily.

I don't really know what the next step for me is.  I suppose for now, just putting one foot in front of the other.  I think of Sleepless in Seattle when Sam is still reeling over his loss.  "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long.  Then after awhile I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and then after awhile I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for awhile."  That's what I'm gonna do.

I have peace... but right now I don't have joy about it.  And that's ok.  I'm going to let myself be sad.

So I promised myself I would be extremely careful not to go to extremes with working out.  And I'm not.  I think I have found a really good balance, but have also been making my workouts a priority.  I realized recently that I don't really have any hobbies (unless Netflix counts as one).  I'm not creative or artistic, I fail at being a good reader, and I'm not currently part of any faith-based community.  This leaves a lot of time for what I'm doing.

I realize that this won't always be the case.  But I've realized how much I really enjoy working out.  And I have time for it at this point in my life.  I feel like, why not invest in it while I can?  I'm not looking to attain any unrealistic expectations, I'm just looking to be strong.  I feel good knowing that about myself and my intentions.

As with any new exercise regime, I've experienced some issues with my... ahem... cycle.  And it concerned me that perhaps I'm going overboard.  But I'm not exercising hours a day.  I have rest days, I typically may go for a short run and do a 45 minute weight session at the most.  My long run days don't include any time in the gym.  I haven't even lost weight (which I'm ok with at this point), though I know I have gained muscle.  In most of my research I've done, this is typically a problem for most women starting a different workout regimen.  But I am still going to be extra careful not to go overboard.

So my latest fitness venture, "The Gym," has been going pretty well.

I've been working with my trainer twice a week, and going on my own once or twice in between.  I've also added spinning classes, which has been a new and very difficult challenge!  But one I'm definitely enjoying (while also maybe hating it just a little).

I'm still training for my half marathon in October.  For the most part, that is going well.  I did have a bit of a shin splint flare-up last week, but I've increased my stretching and invested in a foam roller.  Seems to have kept them at bay, at least so far.  It didn't surprise me too much that they flared up when they did... after a few days of not eating as well, not hydrating well, and on top of that the heat and humidity of St. Louis.  I'm just hoping I can keep them under control, because now that I'm four weeks into training I really don't want to have to take a step back!

It's been fun to kind of shift my focus just a bit with my fitness!  New challenges always keep me motivated.  As far as my workouts go, right now my main goal is just getting stronger and building muscle.  I'm not too focused on "losing weight" per se at this point.  A lot of research I've done on body building advises eating to fuel your workouts in the beginning rather than try to build muscle and lose weight at the same time.  I think I would like to dial in my diet a bit though in the next few weeks simply to make my runs easier.  I think a little less weight carried would help a great deal with strain on my legs.

Otherwise, life lately has been pretty good.  I went to St. Louis for my cousin's wedding last week.  That was so much fun!  I got to see most of my cousins and aunts and uncles, as well as my sisters (all but one) and my brother and parents.  The first couple of days were pretty low key as most people weren't in town yet and my sister had to work.  But it was nice to just have an excuse to read and relax. Work is still pretty stressful.  I've started charging occasionally, which has definitely increased the stress for me.  I even started having stress dreams about work for awhile there, which hasn't happened to me since I became a new nurse!  Not fun.

So anyway, that is life lately.  Still loving it out here in Spokane!