"And when the peace turns to danger; the nights are longer than days.  And every friend has a stranger's face... Then deep within the dungeon cell you have to make a choice.  Rejoice"

-Andrew Peterson

I don't even know where to begin, honestly.

I've shared bits and pieces very vaguely about what a struggle these recent months have been.

I have felt... well, to be quite honest, I have felt nothing for a long time.

Only in these last few weeks by the grace of God placing people in my life, have I begun to feel a small glimmer of hope.

The brief moments of reprieve came here and there, but it was never long before I had to retreat back into my cave, away from the very things I needed: friendships, community.  I stopped being able to handle even very basic things like cleaning or cooking a simple meal.  Taking care of myself became a struggle.

I can't even place into words what is going on in my heart tonight.  It has been so long since I have really felt anything, and these last few weeks of whatever this is (softening?) have slowly opened me up to friendships and vulnerability and letting people see just how raw and ugly my soul is.  I have wanted people to think I am ok, and from the outside nobody could have known what a struggle was going on.  I have been going through a period of depression and extreme anxiety, and on top of that an eating disorder.

By no means am I "on the other side."  That isn't going to happen overnight.  I know that I need help for where I am.  And I am finally in a place where I can seek that help.

This has been one shit hole of a year.  I am not going to even try to sugarcoat that.  It's looked like a great year from the outside looking in, what with all the trips and races and whatnot.

If you ask me why or what has caused this, I don't know.

All I know is I can't do it alone.  And I'm not alone anymore.

I want to share more of my journey with you here, and I plan on doing just that.

I've been struggling lately.

I had a moment last night that really threw me into sadness I can't seem to climb out of, even this morning.  I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook last night and came upon a video that was "liked" by one of my friends.  It was a wedding reception, where a groom and his groomsmen put on a choreographed dance for the bride.  I'm a sucker for these kinds of things, so naturally I watched it.

As I watched it, I suddenly became overcome with sadness.  Yes, sadness for myself and for what I don't have. I get it, it's silly to let something so simple have such control over my emotions.  But to be honest, I have been having a really hard time with being single for the past few months.  A hard time with a lot of things, to be honest.

I'm depressed, and I don't even have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  I've fallen back into old habits of disordered eating, struggling with my self-worth and body image, and simply hoping that these things will just go away on their own rather than actually doing something about them.  I feel stuck.  This week I have taken a complete break from running because between that and my disordered eating, I have not been taking care of my body.  I needed the mental break.  And I feel like a complete failure for this, after all the training and all I have accomplished in my fitness.

I am discouraged and sad about being single, and feeling like I will never meet a man who will love me with all of my flaws, struggles, and awkwardness, along with all the wonderful things I know I have to offer in a relationship.  I dated a guy long-distance for a couple months this past spring.  We hit it off really well on our first conversation.  Had so much in common.  Skyped pretty often, and finally got to spend a weekend together at the beginning of June.  And I think he met me and was completely disappointed and not interested at all anymore.  While I thought we got along well and had fun, I could tell that he simply wasn't feeling it.  I pretty much was ghosted after that weekend.

And honestly, ever since then I have just been so discouraged and sad.

On Letting Go

Letting go is scary.

There is comfort in holding onto something, even after it is gone.  The past few months for me have felt like I still had my foot in the door, keeping it from closing completely.  Watching through the crack with a small glimmer of hope... but for what?  Shutting that door firmly and not looking back... there's finality and sadness in it.  But that is followed by peace.  Relief.  When you stop looking back, then you can finally look ahead.  See the amazing opportunities that are out there... the doors that are STILL open to you, or waiting for you to open them.

I don't want to spend my life looking back.  Living with what-ifs and could-haves and should-haves.  There is too much life to be lived for that.

And so I have let go.  Finally.

Another Day

I definitely have had a most encouraging day today... something I definitely needed.  I'm still sad, of course, and still very emotionally drained.

I forgot to post about my latest results with the gym!  I weighed in last week and as I suspected, I actually put on some weight.  But my body fat percentage has dropped over two points (which would explain my cycle being off) and I've put on six pounds of muscle while losing two pounds of fat.  I could hardly believe that.  At this point, I'm thinking-- screw skinny!  I want to be stronger!

Now I'm taking it all with a grain of salt, because not every month will look like that.  I already feel the numbers game creeping up on me, but the numbers on the scale no longer mean nearly as much to me and that in and of itself is a huge freedom.  I've discovered that even if I perhaps "slip up" and am not as healthy in my eating habits, that I don't beat myself up about it.  In a lot of my research, eating a lot is very important when you are trying to build muscle.  So I feel that even if it means not losing unwanted weight, it most certainly will help with gaining the good kind.  Those numbers are much easier to deal with if you ask me.

Eventually I do want to work toward losing fat, but I've decided right now gaining muscle is my priority.  In fact it is the best way to increase your metabolism so that losing fat is possible.  I'm in it for the long haul.  Not looking for overnight results.  My trainer put together a meal plan for me that I was so tempted to throw back in her face.  Full of foods I don't care to eat, along with fake sweeteners, processed carbs, and almost all low-fat or fat-free items.  Sadly I am probably going to end up BS-ing that part.  I don't want to seem like I'm fighting against her, because she really is an awesome trainer.  But I have done plenty of my own research in nutrition, not to mention I consult with my sister who happens to be studying as a dietitian and is in her internship now.

Anyway.  As far as how I'm doing, well I'm ok.  Like I said, I'm definitely sad... I have peace, but I am sad and I am pretty lonely as well.  I've pretty much been pouring my time into staying busy as much as possible with running, working out, friends, reading.  I have picked up reading the Harry Potter books again, which is always a good world to get lost in when you are sad.  I know that there will be brighter days ahead, so I will keep on keeping on over here.

Heartbreak

I really do know how to set myself back.  I am in dire need of a reset of some sort.

I still haven't decided if I simply know my limits in a relationship, or if I really know how to sabotage something really good.  Something real.

Either way, I'm back to square one.

And I just want a break.

I am tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  My life is very full, it is very good.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a good job, I have wonderful friends, I have my health and my fitness.  I have what I need along with many things I don't need.  And while I don't look for a man to fulfill everything in my life, I am ready for someone who can complement the life that I have.  Someone who can make it better... who can make me better, and vice versa.

I have a feeling that I have given up that chance, at least for a long time.  I certainly don't get over people easily, and I don't move on easily.

I don't really know what the next step for me is.  I suppose for now, just putting one foot in front of the other.  I think of Sleepless in Seattle when Sam is still reeling over his loss.  "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long.  Then after awhile I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and then after awhile I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for awhile."  That's what I'm gonna do.

I have peace... but right now I don't have joy about it.  And that's ok.  I'm going to let myself be sad.

Life

Life has been incredibly busy of late.  Between traveling, working, moving, and triathlon training, I feel as though I haven't slowed down for weeks now.  I am definitely enjoying the pace of life, but also feel that I need a break... a reset.  But I don't know when or if that will actually be able to come about.

I had to say goodbye last week to my best friend, Bela, who moved to Wisconsin to be closer to her beau.  We have spent the past year and a half as travel nurses and roommates, essentially spending almost every day together in that time.  The bond that developed between us has become a sisterhood.  Saying goodbye was truly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Not only saying good bye to a friend and sister, but to a wonderful season of life.  And being on the brink of the next season, whatever that may be.

The good in life lately is that I continually find myself more free with each passing day.  Letting go of hurt, sadness, and pain is a continuous, every-day task.  But letting go I am, and with each passing day it gets easier.  While I am truly happy and content with where my life is at this time, there are certainly days that the weight of loneliness can be overwhelming.

And although I'm lonely, I'm taking a break.  A break from dating, a break from looking for Mr. Right. A break from constant self-scrutiny of "Am I pretty enough?  Am I thin enough?  Am I enough?" (for I never think I am)  It isn't as though I spend all of my time dating and looking for men.  But I have spent a considerable amount of time on it, worried constantly about what men might think of me... perusing dating profiles in hopes of seeing one who can catch my eye... only to see myself as inadequate and undeserving of another's love.  Dating a man in hopes of sparking something, only to be disappointed.  I'm just done with it for awhile.  I'm tired.  Finding a husband isn't the end-all be-all of my life.  But it is something that has been on my mind more and more lately.  Yet it only seems to end in constant disappointment.

But my life is my own.  And so I am taking the next few months to simply look after myself.  To take care of my body, feed it well, train it well.  To invest in friendships and hobbies.  To do things that make me happy.  To find rest and continued healing in nature.  And to simply accept myself for who I am... every bit of me.

This has been a really rough week.

Reality is definitely setting in.  We got our furniture delivered to our apartment this week.  Now it feels like home.  But things are settling, and we are definitely feeling the reality of our situation.  We have finished our two whopping days of orientation on the floors we will be working on, and both feel so inadequately prepared for what is to come.  Especially Bela, as she has to work day shift and it is SO much crazier than nights.

Travel nurses are just not treated very nicely.  I knew that before going in, but I just didn't think it would be this hard.  The expectations are incredibly high (this is why you should ALWAYS make sure you have plenty of experience before starting) and the training incredibly insufficient.  The charting is different than anything I've ever used, and I have to learn that on top of learning two whole new units, dealing with new co-workers, and charge nurses in general who just don't give a crap about how you're doing.  Because although we are here to help the hospital out, we are essentially on our own.

Anyway, outside of work I really love it here.  We have met some really wonderful people, who I think will be so helpful in helping us to not feel so sad about our circumstances.  I think we are also just going to have it rough for a couple of weeks until we get a little more acclimated to things.

Right now we are just sitting in Starbucks drinking our peppermint mochas, listening to the cheery Bing Crosby music in the background, and trying our best to be positive about things.  I do think that things will get better... it's just gonna be a rough road to get there.

Taking a little break from the cruise picture posting.  This week's events have had me a little more serious.  I'm obviously still getting over the loss of my cat, so I haven't been able to divert much energy to organizing any more photos.  I'll finish that later, as I know you're on the edge of your seat.

Since Albus's passing, I've been trying really hard to give Aberforth as much attention as possible.  Although the two of them only had about a month and a half of bonding, Aberforth hasn't ever been without another kitty to play with.  Initially when I came home on Friday, I knew he was looking for Albus.  He seems ok now, but lonely.  Or maybe I'm telling myself out of guilt that he's lonely and he needs me.  But either way, he has been a real comfort to me.  He is as sweet as Albus always was, and for that I'm thankful.

Friday was really hard.  I mean really, really hard.  Grieving for an animal is difficult, because it's a very lonely grief.  I'm not saying the loss of an animal is of the same magnitude as a person.  But for someone who has no immediate family of their own (speaking as far as husband and children, not siblings and parents) the loss of a pet is a big deal.  And because that pet was only yours, no one shares in your grief in quite the same way you do.  However, people have been amazingly understanding and compassionate.

Things that have helped me: being with my family, watching Big Bang Theory and NCIS, snuggling with Aberforth, and listening to Disney music.  I am hoping to feel better soon.

Albus

It is with sadness that I tell you that yesterday, my sweet kitty Albus passed away.  It was all very fast and unexpected, and overall a very traumatic and awful experience I'd rather stop re-living again and again, so I won't talk about that.

Albus, you were the greatest friend in a cat I could have asked for in the past year and a half.  You came to me a short while after a really rough time, and helped me heal.  In times when I felt alone, you were there for me.  And even during the times that sometimes I felt like you got a little under my skin by having your night terrors running from one end of the apartment to another, jumping on the counters and dining table, and stealing all of my hair ties to play with them, you still loved me unconditionally.

I had envisioned having you for many many years.  You being my buddy through thick and thin, until I was well into my thirties.  And I know you would have if you could.

You were always so excited to see me when I got home.  You would be right there at the door to greet me.  I had often heard people say that dogs were just the more lovable and kind animal, I would smile to myself and think, "Not Albus."  You wanted to be everywhere I was.  And you loved everyone you met, also.  Even my dad, who has never liked cats, liked you.

I miss you, Albus.  When I came home to my apartment for the first time last night and you weren't there to greet me, I felt so lonely and heartbroken.  Though I've cried many tears over you and know I will cry more, I will always remember you and the joy you brought me for a year and a half.  It was too short.

He didn't enjoy taking pictures with me. 

 Always so sweet and loving.

The Most Interesting Cat in the World 

This was just a few months ago.  So playful. 

Getting used to a new brother.

Seeing my dear Grandma in those last days was difficult. I've had to remind myself of the Grandma from 15 years ago, or even just last summer. The Grandma full of life and energy.

To know this woman was to love her. She was simply amazing. She had a heart full of love for everyone she knew, even to the end. She never put herself first, not once (even in the hospital bed, hardly able to breathe, she still had concern for everyone but herself). She lived to serve and love others before herself. She had a laugh that was infectious.

We found letters between her and my Grandpa from the war. As I read some of them (there are hundreds), I can see even then how loving and selfless she was. She was my age when she married my Grandpa. He always only had good things to say about her. We found a Valentine note in their room that he wrote to her in 2002, so beautiful and loving and tender. After all those years, they were still in love with each other.

My heart hurts and it will for a long time. There is a huge void where those good people once were.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." -Psalm 126:5&6

I realize that losing one's grandparents isn't the most devastating event that can occur. Death in old age is a very normal part of life. However, losing my grandparents has been like losing two very wonderful friends. They were two of my biggest encouragers, they rooted for me in all that I did. They were my pen pals throughout most of my life. They taught me to love, to see the best in people. From my Grandpa I learned the value of hard work and education and finding the good in any situation, no matter how difficult. From my Grandma I learned the value of being a woman of virtue, one who saw the best in every person, one whose family could do nothing but sing her praises. Has anyone ever had a bad word to say about my Grandmother? I don't think so. You would be hard pressed to find any one person that could have ever had anything negative to say about her.

I miss them. Plain and simple, I want them here with us on earth. I know they are in heaven, reunited, happy and whole with Jesus. I don't really know exactly what heaven will be like... but my aunt said she thinks of the verse how no eye has seen nor ear has heard nor mind can understand all that the Lord has prepared for those who love Him. (I realize I haven't quoted it quite perfectly...) And she believes this speaks of heaven, how we can't even begin to imagine how wonderful it will be. I think of all the best things I've had in life, and even that can't compare to how heaven will be. Will we know each other, will I be able to hug my Grandma and Grandpa and tell them how much I missed them? Will I remember how much I missed their absence on this earth? I don't know. The joy will be so overwhelming...

Right now it is my hope of heaven that keeps me going. I will see them again. As my Grandma laid on her death bed in those last hours, I looked at her and realized something amazing. For her, life was really only beginning. It wasn't the end, really. No, this was where it all was beginning for her. I wonder what her reunion in heaven was like? Did Aunt Georgia and Great Grandpa run to meet her? Aunt Georgia probably exclaimed how "loverly" it was to finally see her again. Was Grandpa taking one of his daily walks, and asking her to join him? Are they walking hand-in-hand right now? I don't know. I do know that she received a "Well done, good and faithful servant" from Jesus.

I need to stop writing now, because I'm sure I could ramble on and on for hours about my dear grandparents. I will be happy again, I must believe that. Life has yet to bring more joys and sorrows, and I have to carry on. Another look through my childhood scrap book today, and I found a note from Grandpa that I seemed to have missed in December:

"Your letter just now arrived when I was on the internet. I want you to have a good day. I know you miss us and we miss you, but we have to take life as it comes to us and enjoy it. You do have a good life in Florida. Say hello to everyone for me. Keep writing. Keep your letters coming. Keep the faith. Love, Grandpa."

gIt is with much grief and a heavy heart that I write this. My dear, dear Grandma passed away on Friday at 10:12 am, surrounded by family she loved. It all happened so fast. Long story short, she was doing well and early Monday morning she had difficulty breathing. Somehow she was still discharged to an assisted living facility, where she quickly took a turn for the worst and ended up back in the ER. Tuesday morning she shared that she wanted everybody to come and see her, because she knew the end was near-- as did all of us.

Thus ensued one of the most beautiful and yet one of the most painful three days I have ever experienced. My family flew in late that night, as well as various other cousins who have moved around the country. She talked about her impending death, telling us she wasn't "in the least bit frightful." We read Scripture to her, we sang hymns around her bed. Everyone made it in time to see her. She held on more than two days to see those who could not make it right away. We all loved her so much. The image of her three sons, my dad and his brothers, sitting around her bed as she was ushered into eternity is one I will never forget as long as I live.

My heart feels empty. Grandpa's death was extremely difficult, but Grandma's was just a terrible finality to it all. They are gone. Their house sits empty, a skeleton of the memories we once made there. She went so, so quickly and unexpectedly. None of us knew this was coming. We all thought she would make it through this. Grandma was always the healthy one. She was not supposed to go like this.

And so, after almost two weeks--the first being one of happiness and reunion-- I am home. Life will go on, and I hope my heart will heal. I don't see how, but I pray it will.

Just as life seems it's getting back to a new rhythm, some of the sadness behind me, and I think the worst of my grief may be over, another surge of sad news comes along. I'm not supposed to talk about it much, because my grandma is very private, but I simply can't keep it all in. Without going into any detail, my grandma, who just lost her husband of 64 years not three months ago, is not doing very well.

I'd had visions of years of Christmases and family gatherings to come, Grandma at the center of it all, happy and whole surrounded by her family who loves and supports her. I can't accept that this may not be.

Can your heart actually break, because I feel as though mine will. My pain and grief are selfish, really. I want her here. I need her still, she has always been there. I know she is ready, she is alone, and she wants to be with Grandpa.

I know it's the cycle of life. I know, but I can't come to terms with it. My grandpa was already someone who was such a rock in my family's and my life, and he's gone. I don't know what time table we are talking about with my grandma, but I just feel the grief of it all already.

I've never had to deal with real loss in my life before December, and I have no idea how to. How do you carry on, really? I feel as though I numb the reality of life by keeping myself busy and occupied as much as possible. Two nights before my trip to Washington, DC, just three weeks before my grandpa went into the hospital and a month and a few days before he died, my grandparents called me. I didn't call them, they called me and I still feel guilty over that fact alone. We talked about my new town house (I think my grandpa may have throw in a few lines about self defense in there somewhere, something he was notorious for when it came to our safety), my job, my upcoming trip, and they were so excited for me. I got teary-eyed listening to my grandpa's weak, shaky voice stumbling over words. I did pause that night, thinking about them. Then the conversation ended, and I was off on my big trip to the Capital. It was soon after we got back that he was put in the hospital, and it just seemed day after day, the reports got worse and worse.

I don't know why I bring that up, I guess I just feel as though I've carelessly spent my time so selfishly, not knowing how precious each conversation and moment with someone is. I feel like a selfish brat, even this week I've spent my time off shopping, painting my nails, doing my hair, going to movies, just frivolous things. I don't know why I berate myself over it. It isn't as if depriving myself of the small pleasures would change anything.

I'm thankful I already have a trip to Illinois planned for March 1. I had no idea when I planned it that this would happen. I'm so thankful I will have precious moments to spend with my wonderful grandma. My grandma. I will have to tell you all about her sometime, she's an amazing lady. I hope I can be just like her, but so far I'm failing miserably.

Been feeling beaten down in every aspect of my life lately. I have a hard time realizing that I will never be enough. You know what I figured out recently? I will never love Jesus enough. I will never be perfect enough. I will never even be good enough, or just enough in general. I think I have always expected to find myself having reached some level of holiness, only to find that I never will. Simply put, Jesus is enough and that is enough.

It is WINDY outside tonight! Very eery. I don't like it.

Has anyone else seen the previews for Epic Mickey on Wii? Looks awesome! I am going to have to get one and see for myself.

I still have my Christmas shopping to do. Is it Christmas? I think I forgot to change my calendar or something and it's still November. I have never had any problem getting into the Christmas spirit. This year I don't even want to. It isn't bitterness or stress, I am just sad and weary. Life is changing... and I don't think I like it. I don't find joy in anything right now. When I'm with people, outwardly I smile, but on the inside I feel empty and dry. Ick. I don't like it.

Work is still not good. I feel like I make no difference whatsoever at that place. I need prayer when I walk through those doors. 0700 and it is nonstop until 1900 or even later. I can't do it. Emotionally I feel as though I can't handle it. People are hurting, lonely, sick.... and I cannot be all of those things to them. Not to six people. I don't know why I chose to do this. I am bringing the stress home with me, I can't turn my mind off after I get home. I think about what I did and didn't do. Seriously, all I ever wanted to be was a stay-at-home mom... not this! I can't do this for the rest of my life.

Shake it off Nat. I am tired. I think tonight, I am going to put on a movie and go to bed. Good night.

Grandpa

There are no words to express the grief that is in my heart today as I write this. My dear PawPaw Bear passed away last night around 8 pm Central Time.

I spent yesterday with my parents and 2 of my siblings, talking, crying, laughing over all the memories of Grandpa. Although he was not awake yesterday, I was able to say a few words to him on the phone. I am so thankful. I don't know if he heard or not, but I know that he knows how much I love him. After I went home last night for a few hours, my mom called at 9:05 to tell me Grandpa had just passed away. I immediately came home so I wouldn't be alone. And there was such a quiet as I walked into my parents' house in the dark, with the leaves rustling in the wind, the Christmas lights still shining, even though my heart did not feel like shining.

Grandpa, I sure will miss you. I found a note that Grandpa left for me in 1997 when they left our house for theirs in Illinois: "Goodbye for awhile. Don't take any wooden nickels. You are still my sweetie from Tahiti, tweety tweety. Love, Paw Paw." Grandpa knew how much it always broke my heart to say goodbye to him and Grandma. And even though that goodbye was only for a few months many years ago, it has special significance for me today. It is goodbye for only awhile, for sure. Grandpa, I know I will see you again. I wish I could have seen you one last time, hugged you one last time.

He was a great, GREAT man. One of the best for sure. He has done so much in his life. He loved above and beyond. My heart aches for the emptiness that is left behind. However, I feel a strange sense of relief that I didn't know would be there when he died. Grandpa does not feel pain anymore. Thank you, JESUS! He did not suffer for very long at all. Grandpa lived 93 years of relatively good health. That is the blessing in it all. He never had to move out of the home that he loved.

Grandpa, I miss you and love you so much. Goodbye for awhile.

Grandpa

My dear, dear Grandpa is sick. We are going to lose him soon. It is devastating. He is 93 years old, has lived a long and full life, but I sure will miss him. I am so thankful I was able to see him this past summer when we went to Illinois. Together, even if only for a short time. I have cried and cried and I know I will still cry more.

Grandpa knows Jesus. Grandpa is a successful man, because he lived for Jesus Christ first and foremost. He lived through the Depression as a young man. He put himself through school, finally getting his Ed.D. He was a good husband and father and raised three boys who went on to become good husbands, fathers, and now grandfathers. He is a wonderful grandpa to all of his grandchildren. Grandpa loved a good corny joke. He called me his sweetie from Tahiti, and I always thought it was so silly, and now I wish I could hear him call me that one more time. I wish I could hug him right now. He is such a good man and I will miss him so, so much. My heart hurts.

There is sweetness in this bitterness, and it is that I know I will see him again. In heaven, happy and whole again with Jesus. Christmas is sad this year, but the truth of Christ still shines brightly through it all. I am still redeemed, and so is my grandpa and so I know we will be re-united someday. It is goodbye, but only for awhile.