On a somewhat slow night at work last night, I took some time and read through some of my old blog posts on here.  I forgot how faithful I was blogging several times a week once upon a time.  My life was obviously much less busy in those days, but I got to thinking about how much I really miss blogging.  I don't keep a journal anymore, and I don't blog.  But I would really like to get back to updating this more regularly, and about more than just my work and training life.

I am such a different person today than I was when I started keeping up with this blog.  In the past two and a half years I have really grown into myself.  And because I haven't really kept up with writing down my thoughts throughout that time, so much of the process seems to be lost on me.  It's like, yes--travel nursing and moving across the country, seeing all kinds of new places, meeting all kinds of people, living independently-- it has changed me.  But when it comes to putting it into words for other people to understand?  I am at a loss.

I think about the beginning of my time as a travel nurse.  Driving across the country with my best friend, all of our stuff packed to the ceiling in my little Corolla.  That feeling of being both scared and excited at the same time, not knowing what was in store.  The loneliness that ensued for the next three months in California, the stress of the job assignment, the homesickness for familiarity.  The exploration of new cities week after week.  The boredom that came most days because we worked opposite schedules and the truth is, travel nursing is a lot less glamorous than it looks from the outside (as most things are).

Driving from California to Washington, the place I would eventually call home, though I didn't know it at the time.  I thought travel nursing was going to be an indefinite thing.  I thought maybe I'd take an assignment in Seattle, or start making my way back east by taking assignments in places like St. Louis or Cleveland.  

And in that time thinking I had met the man I would marry... putting a halt to my travels for him (at times I regret this decision, wondering where life would have taken me--although I don't dwell on it).  In that time experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows, feeling directionless, lonely, and hateful.

The saddest part of it all is I have become so disconnected from my life back home.  It isn't that I wanted to be disconnected, but that's what happens when one picks up and moves across the country. When your parents don't travel, and most of your friends save a few lose touch with you and you lose touch with them, everything you knew suddenly seems so far away.  And then you begin to question your entire belief system, something your entire life once revolved around.  Which has perhaps been the most alienating part of it all.

I'd like to get back to blogging regularly, regardless of whether or not anyone reads it.  I am resolving to sit down and write at least once or twice a week at the minimum.  So here goes nothing!

Life and Change

Time continues to fly, and here we are in November already.  The start of the Holidays is just around the corner.  I can't believe it!

I got a little sad today as I drove around town seeing the vibrant fall colors.  The wind is fierce today, and a lot of the leaves are being blown off the trees.  Soon they will all be bare.  Living in Spokane and having four seasons has been really amazing for me.  And I'm learning that, although I love winter, there is something very sad about seeing the leaves falling off of the trees.  Maybe it's symbolic of the change that I am always so resistant to.  Good change or bad change, I struggle with it.

Speaking of change, I recently started a new job!  It is a much less stressful place, and one that is very supportive of nurses and patient safety.  I am taking care of veterans at the VA.  I consider it an honor.  However, it was hard for me to leave my old job.  I had been living with constant stress and losing sleep during those last months there, so it was definitely change that was necessary and good.  I look forward to this new chapter.

Training continues on, and I'm loving it!  I ran ten miles this morning and maybe it was the rain, but I felt amazing!  Usually the longer distances are a real struggle, but my body felt strong and I felt motivated.  I enjoy that feeling when it comes, because it doesn't happen very often.  There are days that running three miles is a struggle (which always blows my mind).  I've been attending spinning classes once or twice a week at my gym.  Saturday mornings are my intense 2-hour ones.  I love it.  

I'm training for the 70.3 but mostly I think I am just training to be a badass.

Monday Night Introspection

Interesting the direction life takes you.

Upon unpacking things here, I found a journal I kept in 2011 in the desk I had in storage back in Florida.  I'm actually surprised by how sad I was during those days.  I mean, I remember being sad.  My grandparents, who had been a huge part of my life up until that point, had just died and I had a hard time dealing with it.  I think I was probably depressed--circumstantially so--but didn't realize it.  In one entry I even said I just hoped for life to once again be happy and full.

It's interesting, because that's something I've thought a lot about recently.  How happy and full life has been in this past year and a half.  I once felt like I wouldn't be happy again... and although I do remember feeling that way, it is only a memory now.  I've had to make a lot of changes in many areas of my life.  It took awhile to get there.  I've stretched myself and gone new places, done more (and more!) traveling, met so many new people.  I've stepped far out of my comfort zone many times... something I once never did.  I would definitely not say life has been easy the past year and a half, but it has been good.

Just some thoughts I have tonight.  I'm glad life has taken me where it has.  I've said it before, but this has been a season of life I have truly enjoyed.  I know life has yet to take many twists and turns--and certainly not all of them good--but I am content and thankful in this moment.

Change

Well, it's official.  After what has been a CRAZY week, I have now officially moved to Spokane, Washington!  Bela and I flew to Florida last Monday, and spent the three days organizing, packing, and throwing out stuff in preparation for our drive across country (unfortunately I was only able to see a very few people while there, as there was just too much to do and not enough time).  This wasn't my first time doing a cross-country drive, but it was my first time doing the whole thing one day after another.  When we went to California we had a couple of day-long breaks in St. Louis and Colorado Springs.  This time, we did it in four days straight.

I have to admit, I was really scared about driving a moving truck across country.  Though in this day and age it's a lot safer than it once was with the technology we have, it's still an unnerving task for two women by themselves.  Not to mention we were hearing stories about snow being a possibility this time of year through some of the mountain passes in the north.  But-- thank goodness-- we did NOT deal with that!!  The truck we rented held up... and we had a blast through those four days singing at the top of our lungs, car-dancing, along with many long best-friend-heart-to-heart talks.  Bela has grown to be as close as a sister in the past year and I've been so grateful for her friendship in my life.  Of course I would never tell her that!  Kidding.

So we have moved everything into our apartment.  No internet yet at this time, so I am at Starbucks with a decaf Americano, just giving myself permission to turn my brain off for the night and relax.  I go back to work tomorrow night for a three-in-a-row.  I'll think then but for now, I've kind of reached my stopping point for the day.  Life has been insanely non-stop recently.  And I've loved it, but I'm also ready for  a bit of a break!!

I still can't believe I made this leap.  Yesterday I sat down on the floor of my living room, looked around at all my stuff... stuff that once sat in a little one-bedroom apartment in Jacksonville, FL.  And I realized, I live here now.  No move is ever permanent, but the travel nursing deal was definitely always incredibly temporary.  I definitely knew I was not going to go back to Florida, but there was never any sort of settledness about it.  But this... is different.  And for right now where I'm at in my life... it's what's right.  

Life has been so full and so good the last year and a half.  I've learned things about myself.  I've grown so much.  And there's so much more growing left to do.  So many more ups and downs.  I feel like I'm learning to see life always as first and foremost, an adventure.  I hope I'll never stop seeing it that way.  I hope I'll always tackle life and everything I do with passion.  I hope I don't become jaded because the truth is, it's so damn easy to be that way.  I've been there before... I could definitely be there again.

Anyway, I'm just excited for the future right now!

Out of the Waiting Place

I remember about a year ago, I happened to pick up Dr. Seuss's book once again, Oh, the Places You'll Go!  I had read it many times before, but not since I was much younger.  And it had never really meant a whole lot to me before that.  But one particular section stood out to me during that time last year whenever I first began to think about travel nursing.  I posted it here.  I remember thinking about that Waiting Place.  Because that Waiting Place was where I was then, and had been for a long time.

Always waiting, for what I never knew.  For things to happen to me, I guess.  Maybe a husband, or a great new job offer, or just for things to "get better" (whatever that means, right?).  And never really doing the things that I wanted to do because I was always hoping for some "aha!" moment, or something to drastically change.  My life was very much the same for quite a long time, and I was frustrated.  I felt I was watching life happen to everyone else.

So here I am, over a year later and I've finally pursued what I really wanted to do.  And yes, it has been really stressful.  But I'd rather be where I am, even if this isn't something I do forever, than sitting and wondering about the things that could be.  I don't want to spend my life just waiting for things to happen to me, but rather making them happen.  Isn't that how you'd rather live?

I have been really stressed, but honestly if I weren't here, I'd just be sitting back home.  Always wondering about all the what-if's and could-have-been's.  Stress and all, this is what I wanted, and I'm so glad I did it.

Soon to be a California Girl...

Well, the day has almost arrived.  After a super stressful two days of paperwork-gathering, immunization-getting, shopping, and packing, the day has finally almost made it here.  Honestly I thought we weren't going to get everything done in time and we wouldn't be able to go.  We had that much paperwork to do in such a short amount of time.  But it got done, thank goodness!

In the morning, Bela and I are packing our things in my car and starting our drive to California.

I am so excited for this opportunity.  Honestly, I don't think that the reality has set in.  At all.

It's like I'm just going on a really cool road trip.  Not traveling to a place where I'll be staying for the next three months, and then after that on to another place.... it just hasn't registered yet.

Would be thankful for any prayers, good thoughts, etc, as we make our drive this week!  It'll be a whirlwind!

Exciting Changes

It has been an eventful past ten days.

First of all, I got back on Thursday from a 4-night Bahamian cruise on the Disney Dream!  What a blast!  I will eventually post pictures, but that isn't even the half of what has been so eventful.

I have kept it pretty quiet, but since July I have been pursuing travel nursing with my friend, Bela.  I got my California license in September and began the process of getting my ACLS certification.  We got in touch with a travel nurse agency and began the process of sending our information, speaking with our recruiter, and submitting ourselves for assignments.  That was a process, let me tell you.

We got offered a job about ten days ago in San Leandro, California.  We were SO excited.  We would both be working evenings, 3-11:30.  We both put in our two weeks notice, told them our date we were available, and waited to sign our contracts.  This time period was when I left for my Disney cruise.  I had planned to check my e-mail Monday night to see if there was anything else I needed to do.  We found out that day that San Leandro was out of the question because they would not negotiate the start date and needed us out there a week earlier than we could get there.

We were upset, but we both contacted our bosses (I had to e-mail mine) and worked out getting off a week earlier.  All this time in the back of my mind, I was thinking we were screwed if things fell through.  But all they needed was for us to be there earlier, so we thought we were in the clear.  Only to find out the next day that they had pursued other candidates and we had missed the boat.

Needless to say, I was really upset.  I felt like here I had not only quit my job, but I had quit a whole week earlier for something that completely fell through!  We spoke with our recruiter and she very diligently kept looking for jobs, but nothing seemed hopeful.

One popped up in Castro Valley, California, however.  It wasn't really the ideal situation compared to the other one, but we asked her to go ahead and submit us.  We found out that I had the wrong computer charting experience and they required me to have one I had never used before.  However, thanks to my recruiter, by the end of the day we were both given offers and now we are set to leave this Wednesday for our first travel assignment!

Let me tell you, it has been a major emotional roller coaster.  From excitement for a new job, to the low of the prospect of unemployment (which, let me tell you, were a really rough couple of days), and then back to more excitement-- it's about been more stress than I can handle.

Because it was all so last minute, I didn't get much of a chance to say good-bye to my co-workers.  Or really even much closure as far as work is concerned.  It's like I was employed by them like always, then went on vacation, and came home and worked a few more days.  And now I'm done.  It's hard to believe that after four years of working there, that's it.  I will definitely miss my co-workers.

I have so much packing, paperwork, and last-minute shopping to do.  It's definitely more than a little overwhelming.  Hopefully by Wednesday, we will be all set to start off on our first travel assignment!  Can't wait to tell you all about it here!

Transforming Myself for the Better

All right, I'm back and after only a day!

Since I've started my journey toward being healthy, I've had a lot of people ask me just how I've done it.  I think maybe they expect to hear I've gone on some cleanse or extreme diet.  That there's some magic food or pill I've found that helped me drop the weight.

Honestly, the answer is simple and hard at the same time.  I've exercised a 5-6 days a week, and eaten intuitively.  I've done it the long, hard way.  In other words, instead of a crash diet that would have had me dropping this weight in half the time, I've worked very hard and ate healthily to get to where I am.  Because I've crash dieted in the past and failed, I knew that was something I didn't want to do.  I wanted this to be a true lifestyle change.  Not the ones you hear about on TV where "lifestyle change" barely even fits into your actual lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted to still be able to go out with friends and have a drink or a big meal and not beat myself up about it.  In other words, I have my cake and eat it too-- but I get up the next day and pick back up my healthy eating habits.  I don't allow it to be a daily occurrence like it once was.

For me this was not just about wanting to "look hot."  Sure, I want to look my best.  But my weight was giving me a myriad of health problems.  My lack of activity was beginning to rear its ugly head in the form of health problems no 26-year-old should be dealing with.  If this was as good as it was going to get, then I was going to be really depressed about life.  No, I want to feel young and healthy and energetic.  And I didn't.

I decided to go ahead and upload some photos.  I have some "before" ones, but honestly I still can't bring myself to let anyone see them.  I still feel like that girl... my self esteem hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me yet.  I'll get there.

This was taken in late June.  When I was first seeing results from my efforts.  I rewarded myself by getting a new workout outfit at Gap and of course, taking a selfie in the dressing room mirror. 

Swimming with my sister.  This is just from a few days ago.  I felt so good! 

See?  I do eat sweets sometimes!  This was from Kilwin's-- I can't remember what it was called but it had milk chocolate, pecans, and caramel.  I also had fro-yo right after.  Delish. 

From dinner on that same night- a mojito.  Again, I like to indulge sometimes! 

And from today.  My wardrobe has basically gone down to nothing so I had to go to Target for some affordable clothes.  Sad that I now have a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear, but I'm excited about starting to build a new one! 

And I decided to fancy it up on Instagram with a filter and border.  Makes my life look so whimsical, doesn't it!  Less classy though when you realize it's a selfie in the Target dressing room.  And I bought both of the above outfits.

Health Tips

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional at this and realize that different methods work for different people.  This is just from my own experiences with my health, and I thought that it might help someone else as well.  Because none of us are perfect and I'm gonna be real with you about my health and my choices (because sometimes, you just gotta enjoy a really good cheeseburger!).

So, as I've been changing up my diet and lifestyle I've definitely been finding ways to do it and ways to not do it.

Of course in the past, I've talked about how controlling I've been before with my diet once I start focusing on that.  So controlling I reach the point of being malnourished and starving, and end up completely falling off the wagon with one binge.  So, what's been different this time around?  I thought I'd put together a list of the things I've found helpful that work for me.

First of all, not thinking of this as a diet.  In fact, there are no foods that are off limits for me.  Sometimes I even have a lot of the food most would consider "bad" (I don't like to think of any food as bad-- if it tastes good and I enjoy it, just because it isn't the healthiest doesn't mean it's bad).  Once I start thinking like that, the days that I don't eat those foods become easier.  Saying no becomes easier, because I know that in a few days at dinner with friends or at a family function, I will get to enjoy something I really want.

Walking has become a great form of exercise for me.  I started out walking because I wanted to start running.  I knew I was nowhere near enough in shape for running, so I would walk first and build up.  As time went by, however, I realized how much I truly enjoy my walks.  And how much I completely hate running.  So why make myself miserable by trying to cave to the pressure of being a runner (I've always felt like running is the hippest, most acceptable form of exercise, and all other exercise is inferior).  Ok, so walking longer distances takes longer than running them.  But I've found that it really makes me slow down and have time to myself that is totally uninterrupted.

Ok, so as a former fast food junkie and junk food lover, how have I found healthy foods that taste good?  Well, I simply eat the things I like that are healthy.  Keeping a dozen boiled eggs in the fridge, bananas and natural peanut butter, apples, as well as other healthy snacks on hand is helpful.  I find that cutting portions significantly doesn't work for me.  I'll always go back for more, and end up eating more than if I would just take what I want at the time.

And another thing?  I don't worry about fat content in food.  I'm not saying I just eat tons of high fat foods, but I think one of the biggest failures in the past for me was trying to cut fat out almost completely.  Talk about never feeling satisfied.

I think the number one thing I have done that has helped me the most is cutting out almost all processed, white carbs and sugar from my diet.  Believe me when I say I was eating a lot of that crap every day.  Lots of times every day.  Once I cut those from my diet, one of the first things I noticed was that I wasn't bloated anymore.  I didn't realize how much that stuff was wreaking havoc on my system.  Sometimes I still have some, but again-- not every day.

So those are my helpful tips when going healthy.  At least it's what works for me.  Different things work for different people.  I know some people can't allow themselves access to any of their favorite foods at all.  Some people have to have a little cheat food every day.  It's different for everyone, but I thought I'd just share the things I've learned and adapted to my own lifestyle in the past several weeks.

I have lost about 16 pounds so far, but honestly the best thing I've gotten out of this is how good I am feeling.  Of course, I've dealt with people making rude comments.  But the energy that I now have is the best thing I could ask for.  And that isn't to say I don't have bad days.  I had one last week, as you know if you follow my blog.  But overall I feel like my health and well-being has done a 180 and that feels good.

Albus

It is with sadness that I tell you that yesterday, my sweet kitty Albus passed away.  It was all very fast and unexpected, and overall a very traumatic and awful experience I'd rather stop re-living again and again, so I won't talk about that.

Albus, you were the greatest friend in a cat I could have asked for in the past year and a half.  You came to me a short while after a really rough time, and helped me heal.  In times when I felt alone, you were there for me.  And even during the times that sometimes I felt like you got a little under my skin by having your night terrors running from one end of the apartment to another, jumping on the counters and dining table, and stealing all of my hair ties to play with them, you still loved me unconditionally.

I had envisioned having you for many many years.  You being my buddy through thick and thin, until I was well into my thirties.  And I know you would have if you could.

You were always so excited to see me when I got home.  You would be right there at the door to greet me.  I had often heard people say that dogs were just the more lovable and kind animal, I would smile to myself and think, "Not Albus."  You wanted to be everywhere I was.  And you loved everyone you met, also.  Even my dad, who has never liked cats, liked you.

I miss you, Albus.  When I came home to my apartment for the first time last night and you weren't there to greet me, I felt so lonely and heartbroken.  Though I've cried many tears over you and know I will cry more, I will always remember you and the joy you brought me for a year and a half.  It was too short.

He didn't enjoy taking pictures with me. 

 Always so sweet and loving.

The Most Interesting Cat in the World 

This was just a few months ago.  So playful. 

Getting used to a new brother.

Change

At work last night a very blunt co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you gaining weight?  You look like you are gaining weight."

I have joined weight watchers again.  It hit me when I looked in the mirror... though I don't want to be skinny, I am not the healthy woman that I once was.  I am determined to take better care of myself.  I have accepted that I am the over-looked, chubby but still confident girl, and I won't do that anymore.

I realize I've said a lot of stuff about accepting myself and loving myself and that is still true for me.  I still look in the mirror and see something that I like, but I know that it just isn't the best I can be when I am not healthy.

I am posting this so that I am accountable.  I want to continue to love myself but to do it better.  I have been doing myself a disservice for the rest of my life by not taking care of my health.  That ends today.  I know it won't be perfect.  I know I work nights, and it's going to be extra hard because of that.

I've seen dieting done the wrong way.  I have never watched somebody diet and exercise the right way.  Not once.  With great fear I am starting this, because I don't want to become somebody who is obsessed and preoccupied with food.  I want to be the best Nat that I can be.

The thing is, I'm still within the healthy weight range... but pushing the limits and I'm ready to change that.  Ready to look my best and feel my best.

"Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions."
-Ecclesiastes 7:10

It blew my mind when I first read that verse a few months ago. I've always shied away from Ecclesiastes because I thought it was a weird Book (kind of still do). I remember though, Mr. Zepp talking about that in Sunday school last summer, and realizing I had never even read it.

It blew my mind, because I struggle with being a person who hates, I mean HATES change that takes away anything that I deem to be good. I could honestly sit for hours poring over old pictures, memories, talking about the "good old days." Because I am never quite content where I'm at in life. I always seem to believe I was better off last year, or 2 years ago, etc, that I was much happier at that time (when in reality if I were to be honest, it wasn't always that great- still struggled with much of the same discontentment then as well).

I feel as though ever since my grandfather died last month, I've been stuck in this rut of not wanting to move forward. I want to think about him all the time, I want to think of the wonderful past. I'm afraid if I move forward, I will forget him, I will no longer miss him. Even holding on to the pain of his absence is part of that.

I am sad that all of my sisters and I no longer live near each other. I'm sad my family is all growing up and moving on into the next phase of our lives. It isn't as if I want to remain young forever, but I want things to stay the same forever. I want to be happy like I was when I was younger, and I can't trust God for the next phase of life. I can't trust that He will carry me through it, that He has plans for me that are greater than any I could conjure up for myself. Sometimes I am paralyzed by the fears of my parents growing old and not being here for me anymore. I want to hold onto everything I hold near and dear, and never let go.

The thought of the future is a burden too heavy for me to bear at this time in my life. A future that is uncertain. I'm in a place right now where I hate my job, I hate where my life is, I want things that I don't have. Yet I don't want to move forward. I'm one contradiction after another. I hold on to this bitterness, that God is holding out marvelous blessings on me, and yet He knows what is good for me now. What is good for me today, might not be good for me in 10 years. Will I look back on this time in my life as a time that was fruitful, or as a time that I wasted away my younger years in anger and sadness and loneliness, never lifting my eyes to behold all that was glorious and beautiful around me-- the wonderful family God has given me, the old friendships that He has sustained within my life, the ability to bless those around me.

At work yesterday, I had this sudden sickening thought: What if I don't get married, and I don't have kids, and I'm stuck in this horrible job for the rest of my life--- being a working woman for the rest of my miserable life. It's selfish and petty, I know, but I really thought it and still think it. Because right now, I feel like between work and singleness, I am living a miserable existence.

This weekend, I took care of a dying woman, who knows her days are numbered on this earth. She laid in her hospital bed, alone, moaning, gasping for breath, and nobody, not even me, could help her. In the busyness of my day, I finally took the time to sit and speak with her. I didn't worry that I had charting to do before the end of my shift, I sad down by her bed and spoke with her, listened to her. I don't know if I was even a blessing in her life, if I made any impact whatsoever to her, but I hope I was. God has given me such a ministry and ability to bless those hurting around me. I waste it.

Well, this post seems to have had no point, no loose ends tied, but it has helped me to simply think and write about it. Today, how can I be a blessing to somebody. Instead of thinking in terms of the year, I need to wake up every day and live intentionally. Not make big unattainable resolutions, but live day-to-day to its fullest. And sometimes I will fail, but I am going to try.