"Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions."
-Ecclesiastes 7:10

It blew my mind when I first read that verse a few months ago. I've always shied away from Ecclesiastes because I thought it was a weird Book (kind of still do). I remember though, Mr. Zepp talking about that in Sunday school last summer, and realizing I had never even read it.

It blew my mind, because I struggle with being a person who hates, I mean HATES change that takes away anything that I deem to be good. I could honestly sit for hours poring over old pictures, memories, talking about the "good old days." Because I am never quite content where I'm at in life. I always seem to believe I was better off last year, or 2 years ago, etc, that I was much happier at that time (when in reality if I were to be honest, it wasn't always that great- still struggled with much of the same discontentment then as well).

I feel as though ever since my grandfather died last month, I've been stuck in this rut of not wanting to move forward. I want to think about him all the time, I want to think of the wonderful past. I'm afraid if I move forward, I will forget him, I will no longer miss him. Even holding on to the pain of his absence is part of that.

I am sad that all of my sisters and I no longer live near each other. I'm sad my family is all growing up and moving on into the next phase of our lives. It isn't as if I want to remain young forever, but I want things to stay the same forever. I want to be happy like I was when I was younger, and I can't trust God for the next phase of life. I can't trust that He will carry me through it, that He has plans for me that are greater than any I could conjure up for myself. Sometimes I am paralyzed by the fears of my parents growing old and not being here for me anymore. I want to hold onto everything I hold near and dear, and never let go.

The thought of the future is a burden too heavy for me to bear at this time in my life. A future that is uncertain. I'm in a place right now where I hate my job, I hate where my life is, I want things that I don't have. Yet I don't want to move forward. I'm one contradiction after another. I hold on to this bitterness, that God is holding out marvelous blessings on me, and yet He knows what is good for me now. What is good for me today, might not be good for me in 10 years. Will I look back on this time in my life as a time that was fruitful, or as a time that I wasted away my younger years in anger and sadness and loneliness, never lifting my eyes to behold all that was glorious and beautiful around me-- the wonderful family God has given me, the old friendships that He has sustained within my life, the ability to bless those around me.

At work yesterday, I had this sudden sickening thought: What if I don't get married, and I don't have kids, and I'm stuck in this horrible job for the rest of my life--- being a working woman for the rest of my miserable life. It's selfish and petty, I know, but I really thought it and still think it. Because right now, I feel like between work and singleness, I am living a miserable existence.

This weekend, I took care of a dying woman, who knows her days are numbered on this earth. She laid in her hospital bed, alone, moaning, gasping for breath, and nobody, not even me, could help her. In the busyness of my day, I finally took the time to sit and speak with her. I didn't worry that I had charting to do before the end of my shift, I sad down by her bed and spoke with her, listened to her. I don't know if I was even a blessing in her life, if I made any impact whatsoever to her, but I hope I was. God has given me such a ministry and ability to bless those hurting around me. I waste it.

Well, this post seems to have had no point, no loose ends tied, but it has helped me to simply think and write about it. Today, how can I be a blessing to somebody. Instead of thinking in terms of the year, I need to wake up every day and live intentionally. Not make big unattainable resolutions, but live day-to-day to its fullest. And sometimes I will fail, but I am going to try.