I know I shouldn't worry about how others perceive me.  I should only worry about the good that I am doing, about how I treat others.  But there are times I do wonder what kind of a failure other see me as. And it's silly, because I'm in a successful career, financially independent-- all the things that say I'm a success.  And to the general world, this is true.

But among family and friends, I can't help but wonder what they truly think of me and the fact that here I am, almost 26, never really dated much, not hitched, single.  Old maid is the first thing that comes to mind, though I'm not old.  But most of my friends from childhood are all married.  Most of my cousins are married or were married by my age.  And this thing, this seemingly unattainable status of "married," something that will always elude me, will always be the thing I am measured by.  I'm sure of it, whether or not it's true.

A couple weeks ago I ran into someone from my parents' church.  And he came up to me, the first thing he says-- "I pray for your future spouse."  ....Ok?  Thanks?  It was so awkward and I didn't know what else to say.  It just seems that people feel sorry for me, and that's all they really know to talk about.  Whether I'm dating someone.  This is something that should define me.

But it doesn't.  Being single doesn't either, at least not in my mind.  But to others, my being single defines me.  It's difficult to explain to people that I'm happy where I'm at in life.  That I'm doing things, making something of myself.  That I'm having fun and loving being independent, traveling.  The thing is, I want to meet someone.  I want to get married.  But I don't talk about it a lot because I don't want discontent to be the theme of my life.  It's a theory of mine that people who are unhappy by themselves will usually be unhappy with somebody else.  And it isn't fair to place all of my hopes and dreams on a man.  Because I wouldn't want that placed on me.

Just like I can't be somebody's everything, I can't have a man be my everything.  I can't.  And maybe I won't ever get married for that reason.  And that's ok.  It doesn't mean I'll never get lonely.  It doesn't mean I won't wish to get married.  But I would love it if this wasn't what people always asked me about.  Will I be 35 and people still walking up to me randomly telling me they pray for my future spouse?  Will they still be asking me if I'm dating someone, or when I'm going to get married?

I guess I should just let it all roll off my back.  Anyone else deal with this?

Michael Buble

I always love when Michael Buble releases a new album.

His latest one, To Be Loved, came out today.  So far, I love it.

I especially love it, because this album reminds me of the reason I first loved him, and he seems to have gone back to his original style that first made him so easy to love.  He covers some of my favorite Sinatra songs-- Young at Heart, You Make Me Feel So Young, and Something Stupid.  He also has some new songs such as Beautiful Day (music video above) which I also love.  And some oldies such as Who's Lovin' You and To Love Somebody are also on the album.  He keeps things light by even singing You've Got a Friend in Me!  It just goes to show that he can sing just about anything and still sound awesome!  There's a little something for everyone on this album.

I'm so excited to finally have another Michael Buble album!  He has been my favorite, FAVORITE singer for eight years and counting.  I pride myself that I was a fan before he really made it big mainstream.  It was that third album that really made him popular, with the song Everything.  To this day, he is my favorite singer and I can't wait for the tour!  I've seen him twice-- the first time was his Call Me Irresponsible tour in 2008, the second his Crazy Love tour in 2010 which you can read about here.

I didn't get to see his "It's Time" tour, but damned if I wasn't gonna take a picture with the televison while watching it on PBS in 2005! 

Yep, that's right.  I bought a shirt at the 2008 "Call Me Irresponsible" tour.

Singing acapella for us in 2010.

Allison, me and Hannah.  The afterglow of the concert.

Helpers

Every time something horrible happens, I find myself despairing over how horrible people can be.  At times it seems that the bad people do outweigh the good.  I don't watch the news on purpose, because it only reminds me of how evil the world really is.  Though there are more good people than bad, it just seems that a little evil goes a long, long way.  And it sucks.

I have to remind myself that although one coward (or two or three or more, we don't know at this point) planted those bombs, there were even more people at that race who were heroic and brave, who put their lives at risk and ran toward the explosion instead of away from it in order to help others.  That's what comforts me when I feel despair over the evil in the world.

It just seems that in the face of evil, what good can really be done?  I can certainly go on with my day to day life doing good, but I can't keep something so horrible from happening.  I just wish people would put down their weapons and ideologies, lay aside their hate, and care about one another.  

My thoughts and prayers are with victims' families, the injured, and their families as well.  With the heroes who ran toward the destruction to help those who were hurt.  With the doctors and nurses who went above and beyond in their jobs, so that they could help the critically injured.

This quote by Mr. Rogers really sums it up for me, and is comforting:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.'  To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers-- so many caring people in this world." -Mr. Rogers

And so the helpers-- the police men, the security at the race, the fire fighters, the national guard, the civilian runners who helped, the doctors and the nurses--and the helpers everywhere else-- there are more of them than there are the bad guys.  It's funny how this isn't just advice for kids.  It's really something we all need to remember and find comfort in.

There are times I just wonder what is wrong with humanity.

I'm watching news coverage of the bombings at the Boston Marathon.  Why?  Why do these monsters, whoever they are, choose to do something so horrible?  It seems that every time I turn around, I hear of something else horrible happening.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by this.

A Week in TV Shows: The Mindy Project

The reason I think I liked the Mindy Project so much, is I felt like I finally found a show I could relate to.  I feel like Mindy is every woman, really.

When New Girl came out a couple years ago, I started DVR-ing it from the beginning.  I was excited to have a show that featured a young, single woman navigating life's ups and downs.  I really wanted to like it.  I watched it for awhile, and I always felt really uncomfortable while watching it.  Now, I love the idea of an awkward, silly woman who doesn't care what others think of her.  It kind of describes me.  But I always found her brand of awkward to be... far fetched.  Exaggerated.  Every "adorkable" thing she said or did always came across to me like nails on a chalkboard.  If you like New Girl, that's totally awesome and fine and I'm not judging you.  Ok, maybe a little.  ;)

I already loved Mindy Kaling from the Office.  So when I saw that she was coming out with a show where she was the start, I was even more excited.  I had read her book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?  And the whole time, couldn't believe how exactly like me she as in almost every way.  Except I'm not that funny, though I like to think I am.  So a show that features a single woman who is independent, "chubby" (by Hollywood standards, mind you-- not mine), quirky but believable, a romantic yet still skeptical?  Totally on board.

Mindy is a thirty-something year old ob-GYN, working in a practice with two other doctors- Danny and Jeremy.  The premise of the show starts off that Mindy was a nerdy teen who didn't have a boyfriend for years-- but merely thrived off of romantic comedies.  Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks are her idols.  Until she finally met The One, or so she thought, after becoming a doctor.  He leaves her for a younger, thinner, prettier girl.  And so we watch as Mindy at times makes a mess of her life, but her friends are always there to pick her up.  The show revolves very much around the practice, as it does Mindy's personal life.  Though she's silly and child-like at times, we see her professional side as well.

I feel like the Mindy Project is the smart, level-headed feminist woman's New Girl.  A lot of people would get angry to hear that, but it's my opinion so there.  It definitely goes along with the popular theme of lame and awkward being the new cool, but in a much more believable, hilarious way.  At least in my opinion.

A Week in TV Shows: Parenthood

Parenthood is by far my favorite TV show.  My sister recommended it to me because it is very much about the four adult Braverman siblings navigating family life as adults.

The Braverman family is one that reminds me very much of my dad's side of the family while my grandparents were still alive.  They are very close-knit, and everyone is in each others' business.  They don't go through problems on their own.  There is always a cousin or grandma or aunt or uncle to help you through it.  There have been many times during this show where I have cried and cried.  You grow to love each person, and feel like they are your family.

The family is headed up by Zeek and Camille Braverman, who have four adult children Adam, Sarah, Julia, and Crosby.  We watch as the Bravermans along with their spouses navigate life as parents (hence the name, Parenthood).  The Bravermans face many of the same issues as many other families from teenage drug use, disrespectful kids, and even a son with Asberger Syndrome.  I think there must be very few people who can't relate to something on the show.

Unfortunately, the past two seasons of Parenthood have been very short as NBC never seems quite sure if they're going to continue airing it.  I am hoping that they will come back for another season this fall.

Back Injury

So, this has been quite an eventful week for me.

I know I talked about injuring my back sometime over the end of last week or the weekend (not really sure what I did).  The last time I worked was Thursday night, and I started getting just the slightest twinge in my back on Saturday evening.  I didn't really think anything of it, because I often get slight back pain after working.  On Sunday I woke up and it was still there, a little more intense, but still tolerable and nothing to keep me from going about my regular activities.  I didn't even really notice it too much.

I took a nap in the late afternoon, as my sleep schedule was still messed up.  When I woke up from it, I still couldn't believe how much my back hurt.  As the evening went on, it just kept getting a little more intense.  Around ten pm or so it was starting to transition from soreness into pain.  So I knew I was in for one of those episodes I seem to go through every year or so, where my back just hurts and I have to suck it up and get through it.

My sister called me later and I told her about the pain.  I started to realize how bad it was when she made me laugh and my back spasms got worse.  Then I decided to get off the couch and go to bed, where I could stay until the morning when I could get to a doctor.  I couldn't make it up, and ended up on the floor.  For the next hour and a half, unable to move.  I finally started inching my way toward my room, and managed to pull myself up to a semi-standing position.  I'd say the intensity of pain at this point was probably an 8.  Just the pressure of being upright sent shooting pain through my back.  I was already contemplating calling 911 because I just wanted relief and I couldn't walk to my car to drive myself to the ER.  But decided to suck it up and wait for someone to help me in the morning.

My mom came over to help me to an urgent care clinic.  I had her bring crutches, because I felt that if I had something to lean on and take the pressure off my back, I might make it to the car.  Wrong.  I didn't make it out the door of my room before everything started going black.  I'm so thankful my mom was here.  I keep thinking what if that had happened when I was by myself?  We had to call 911 at that point to get an ambulance to pick me up and take me to the ER.  It was frustrating to do, because I knew I didn't really need emergency care.  But I needed a way to make it somewhere that I could get what I needed, and it wasn't going to happen short of being rolled out on a stretcher.

So, all these cute guys in my messy apartment... that wasn't the best experience of my life.  I couldn't even put on a bra thanks to the pain, let alone pick up the underwear strewn on the floor.  Hey, it's life when you live by yourself!  Anyway, I got the medication I needed in the ER, they x-rayed just to be safe and all my labs were normal.  I still hobbled out of the ER, but at least I could move at that point.

Today I am still sore.  I would have been scheduled to work tonight, but the doctor said to not go in any earlier than Friday.  I'm not scheduled to work Friday, but if I'm not feeling sore anymore I may pick up a shift.  Otherwise, I won't be at work until Saturday.  I will request to not be given a very heavy team due to not wanting to strain my back.

I have to say, that was a scary experience.  I love living by myself, but being unable to move or do anything, and no one there to help me, was scary.  I had gotten out of bed twice (with tremendous effort) in the night because I had left ibuprofen on the bathroom sink, and the latch was locked on the front door and I knew by morning I wouldn't be able to get up to unlock it.  When I say that pain was the worst pain I've ever experienced, I am not exaggerating.  I hope I never have to experience it again. I wouldn't wish it even on my worst enemy.  Thank goodness I'm recovering.

And I find out that my dad and his brother have had chronic back issues since they were in college.  Whoopdee doo, thanks great genes!

A Week in TV Shows: Big Bang Theory

Starting off, I have to say that after yesterday's awful episode, I am feeling much, MUCH better.  Still pretty sore, but I'll take that over debilitating back pain any day!

Big Bang Theory is one of my favorite shows.  I started watching it a couple of years ago when I visited Lindsey at her grandparents' condo when she was visiting there.  I had heard it was hilarious, but didn't think I would really like it since I'm not really into a lot of nerdy stuff.  I remember the line from Sheldon, "But I'm the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time!" and I thought that was so hilarious and was hooked.

It is a show about a group of four nerd friends- Sheldon and Leonard, who are roommates, and Howard and Raj, who are best friends, as well as their beautiful friend Penny.  All of them work at Caltech, a university that is probably supposed to parallel UCLA.  Sheldon, a pHd theoretical physicist, is OCD and somewhat asexual, and was a child genius.  It is often referenced that he's not crazy, because, as he says on numerous occasions, "My mother had me tested."  He frequently belittles his friends for not being very smart, though all of them have advanced degrees as well, and has a list of rules they all must follow in order to be his friend.  He even forced Leonard to sign a roommate agreement, in which he often amends for his own selfish benefit.

Leonard, who somehow puts up with being Sheldon's roommate, is a fun-loving nerd who so badly wants to be normal.  He's sort of the "cool," most normal one of the group.  He is also a pHd experimental physicist, an area of physics Sheldon often believes to be useless, and he never misses an opportunity to remind Leonard.  He is constantly in love with their neighbor, Penny, who lives across the hall but is technically out of his league.  The plot of the show often surrounds these two and their drama.  Leonard is that nice-guy boyfriend you really wish you could find in real life.

Howard, the only one of the group who doesn't have anything beyond a Master's, is an aerospace engineer. who still lives with his mother well into his late 20s.  He is often belittled by Sheldon for not having a pHd.  He is somewhat of a pervert, and takes every opportunity to hit on every woman he meets.

Raj, an astro-physicist from India, is probably the most pathetic of the group.  He is incapable of talking in the presence of women without the help of alcohol.  But he is easy to love, and has the best one-liners.  He is very emotional, wants desperately to have a girlfriend, and spends much of his spare time watching chick flicks.

Penny, the hot neighbor across the hall who is waitress-aspiring-actress, is befriended by this nerdy group of four guys.  She finds them to be strange at first, but ends up becoming part of their group and finds them endearing.  We know that she has had a string of bad boyfriends before meeting them, and that she is from a small farm town in Nebraska.  Her on-again, off-again relationship with Leonard is one of the central plots of the series.

Big Bang Theory is, in my opinion, one of the funniest shows since Friends.  I look forward every week to a new episode, and own the first five season on DVD.  If I'm ever having a bad day, an episode or two of BBT always helps me feel better.

Well, my plans to post anything else of substance for the next couple days or so was thwarted.  I am recovering from a horrible bout with back muscle spasms.  Spent half the day in the ER after being taken there by rescue when I couldn't walk without passing out from the pain.  But all that to say, with the help of muscle relaxers and pain medications, I'm somewhat fine.  Though still in pain.  Even though I'm still in a lot of pain, last night I was paralyzed in bed unable to move... so a lot of pain is still improvement.

Well, maybe I'll be back soon during my recovery as I'll be pretty bored.  No work until at least Friday.

A Week in TV Shows: NCIS

NCIS is, by far, one of my favorite shows.  I didn't actually get into it until about a year and a half ago. You can pretty much find an episode playing on USA at any time of the day.  Thanks to DVR I have pretty much been able to catch up on all the seasons in that time.

NCIS, or Naval Criminal Investigation Service, is made up of a great team, headed up by Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.  Gibbs is one of the most intimidating, badass agents you'll ever meet-- a former Marine whose first wife and daughter were murdered years before.  He has since had three more wives, all of whom resembled his first wife in that they are redheads-- and all of whom he has divorced.  Through the episodes we are given small and brief glimpses into Gibbs' heart.  We know he lives by a code of rules, which are often referenced throughout the series.  He spends most of his spare time in his unfinished basement, working on building a boat by hand.  And that he is fiercely loyal and protective over those he loves-- including his NCIS team, though he might not admit it.  He seeks justice for those murdered who served in the Navy and Marines, and will stop at almost nothing to get it.  He has low tolerance for bullshit, including the at times easily-distracted DiNozzo and McGee.

Tony DiNozzo is the suave, handsome special agent and former Baltimore cop with a weakness for beautiful women.  At times it is hard to take him seriously, as he often turns serious situations into jokes about sex or making fun of the nerdy "probie," Agent McGee; but he is usually put in his place by Gibbs with a slap on the back of the head.  DiNozzo is a skilled agent who loves his job, and although at times he acts like a smart-ass jokester, he too seeks justice and wants nothing more than to see murderers and criminals put behind bars.

Timothy McGee, also known un-affectionately by DiNozzo as Probie, or McGeek (and a variety of variations of his last name), is a computer nerd with multiple degrees, including a Master's in computer forensics from MIT.  He starts out as a very insecure agent, but we watch as he develops into a self-assured, skilled agent who uses his computer knowledge for many things from breaking through firewalls to catching criminals.  McGee is my favorite on the NCIS team (though Allison will argue DiNozzo is the best) because of his endearing nerdiness, not to mention he's cute and holds his own under DiNozzo's constant mockery.

Ziva David is a trained killer from Israel, and the daughter the leader of an Israeli counter-terrorist group.  It's easy to love Ziva because she is the picture of girl power among the male-dominated field agents of NCIS.  We often see the turmoil she faces, having her father absent for most of her childhood, and her younger sister killed in a suicide bombing, and having to shoot her half-brother before he can kill Gibbs.  There is often sexual tension between Ziva and DiNozzo, though they remain mostly just friends throughout the series.

These characters are just a few among the many that make me love NCIS-- including Dr. Mallard (or Ducky), the medical examiner, as well as his assistant, Palmer; and Abby, the forensic scientist who analyzes all bullet casings, blood and DNA samples, and anything else removed from crime scenes.  NCIS keeps gore and violence to a minimum in comparison to many shows of its kind, in exchange for excellent character development-- despite the fact that it is a very plot-driven show.

If you're looking for a good show and have lots (I mean lots) of spare time, NCIS is a good place to start.  You will quickly be taken by the plots and characters.  You'll come to love the opening theme, each time Gibbs tells the team to "grab your gear" just before an investigation begins, not to mention you'll probably crave a good cup of coffee since Gibbs just about always is drinking some.  Just make sure you don't have anything else to do first, or else it probably won't get done for a long time.

Ordinary

I went to a memorial service for my friend's 98-year-old grandmother today.  It was a very sweet service.  Ninety eight years!  Can you imagine?  She had great health through most of that time.

It was a very small service.  As I looked around, it occurred to me that the reason for that is that at 98, most of your friends and family have all passed away.  Beyond your children and grandchildren, I can imagine that there are few left that really knew you.  I don't mean for that to sound as sad and depressing as it does.  Ninety eight is a good, long life.  Even at my grandpa's passing, as sad and devastating as that was for our family, I still realized what a long and productive 93 years he had.

I remember a boy from my youth group passing away when we were in college.  There were hundreds-- hundreds of people (upwards of a thousand, possibly) at his memorial.  And I always thought, wow, he must have really impacted many people!  But I suppose the younger one is at death, the more there will be to mourn him.  What a sad thought, really.

Death makes me think about life.  About my significance here on this earth.  Thinking about the passage of time-- how many thousands of years humans have been on earth, and for this short time I'm here.  It makes me feel really insignificant, really, when I think about it.  I don't think about how short life really is very often.  I'm 25.  Still young, and the thought of death isn't really one that plagues me a whole lot.  So I go on with life as if I have forever to live.  My own mortality doesn't really dawn on me.

But, anyway, don't really know why all this prompted me to write a post on it.  But I'd like for my life to be significant, even if it's only significant to me and the ones closest to me.  I've often thought how we live in a generation of doing BIG things.  Many people I know have dedicated their lives as singles (I hate to say it that way, but it's true) to overseas work.  I've never really felt called to that.  I have felt that my life is very insignificant in comparison to the big things they are doing.

When I watched the Hobbit, I was struck by the following quote by Gandalf: "Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found.  I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep darkness at bay.  Small acts of kindness and love.  Why Bilbo Baggins?  I don't know.  Perhaps because I am afraid, and he gives me courage."

So sometimes it is only the small everyday deeds.  The drink of water I gave to a dying woman this week, because that was all she said I could really do for her at that time.  I was so busy I hardly had time for it, but I felt that in one woman's final hours, perhaps a small gesture like that would mean something.  I find that in my job, though at times it is crazy, I have so many opportunities for those small everyday deeds.  Yes, there are still evil people in this world.  And maybe my small deeds won't really even do anything about that.  But maybe it can offer a little hope to someone who has none.  And that can make a difference.