My poor little car. Some dude in my apartment complex hit it with his massive Ford Expedition. It's nothing that can't be fixed, but a real pain and I can't drive it because it was right over the front left wheel. The cop cited it to me because I cut the turn just a little bit, but the guy was driving way too fast to be approaching a stop sign, and even when I laid on the horn and with plenty of time to stop, he didn't even slow down and rammed right into me (not to mention he was way off the center of the road-- and I have pictures to prove it). But since there were no witnesses, it's cited to me, even though it wasn't nearly as much my fault as it was his. Let's see, listen to a "silly" twenty-something girl (you know, cause women can't drive) or a thirty-something guy? I wonder which way the cops are gonna go. Best part is, the guy lives two doors down from me and I get to run into him all the time!

I think I have a case to contest it, because I took pictures of everything. We'll see. I think overall I'm just pissed I don't have my perfect little driving record anymore, and it really wasn't even my fault because a cop came along and subjectively looked at the whole situation. And I'm mad that my tax return will now go to fixing my car, because my deductible is high. I was excited to pay more into loans and maybe have a little extra to spend, but oh well. I have very little to complain about compared to what it could have been.

Work was pretty good this week. I had a terrible dream last night that I got floated to our DOC floor and was given eight patients all by myself... a nightmare! But it wasn't real, whew. Hopefully a good week this week. Tomorrow my car's getting towed and I get to deal with an insurance agent. Yeah.

Today I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok. That everything is happy and just the way it is supposed to be. This past year has been hell. No, not the worst stuff that anyone has had to go through, but emotionally things that have happened have been too much for me to bear. Not even stuff I've shared on this blog, and probably never will. I'm tired of putting on a front that I'm happy all the time and do and say the right things. Something's got to give at this point.

I'm angry because I feel like God is holding out on me in so many ways. I want to say that I trust His plan and know that He knows what is best for me. And while I know in my head that is true, my heart doesn't seem to register it on most days. My life is nowhere that I thought it would be at this point. Forget the career and salary, where the hell is my life actually going?! I have a whopping total of three friends in town right now, all of whom have awesome things happening to them that I probably never will. I don't know what it is I did differently that my life has turned out so differently, but it has. The older I get, the less others are able to relate to me because my life isn't following the path that it is "supposed to."

I know my emotions are keener today than on most days, as it has just been kind of an emotional day for no real reason. Hopefully this will pass and I can go on being ok with my life as usual, but today I'm not ok with my life. I know it could always be worse, and I'm not discounting the struggles that other people have in their own. It's just... when did things get so difficult to handle? Even just a few years ago, life seemed so much simpler. In retrospect I suppose it is always like that.

I could really use prayer today, if you are so inclined.

I grew up in the church. I accepted Christ at a young age, and have followed Him ever since. I attended the same church from pre-school until just a few weeks ago, when I moved. I decided that, even if I didn't find a new church right away, I was not going to go back to my old one on a weekly basis. Nothing against it, but I knew that if I allowed myself to do that then I would once again get comfortable there, and never venture out on my own. Of course, one could argue I'm too afraid to venture out as it is.

Finding a new church is the worst experience ever. Maybe just for me, I don't know. In college, I did try another church for about six months. I tried so hard, and never connected. So I went back to my old church. Due to work, I haven't been able to try a new church yet over here. Which also makes things hard, because consistency is something that's almost impossible for a nurse when it comes to going to church. One of my friends, a strong Christian, has to work every weekend due to her kids and she almost never can make it to church. I'm trying to figure out if there's some other way to fellowship with Christians. Or look for a church that has an odd service? But then it's only on Saturday nights, which I work a lot of.

And so, I suppose right now I'm between churches. I mentioned that to two good friends a few weeks ago, and got the silent judgmental stare. Honestly, I'm not "quitting" church. I'm in a place where it's really hard to consistently go every week because of my job, and so trying a new church makes it even harder. There is never that, "See you next week!" for me. My good friend who lives in the same apartment complex with me has invited me to hers, so when she is back in town I will go with her. Having a friend already there will probably help with that transition.

I used to not get why people didn't try new churches. How it was so easy, even if still actively in the faith, to simply not go to church. But I get it now. Church can be one of the most unwelcoming places if you are new there. Or even if you aren't new, but for reasons out of your control have had to be less connected (and at some point, your only connection any longer is that your parents are there). I wonder how often in the past, I was one of those unwelcoming people. Probably more than I'd like to admit. I feel it is as fruitless to continue attending a church where you aren't growing and not connecting, as it is to not attend church at all. Is there anyone else who has ever felt the same way? The sameness of it all gets too comfortable. At least coming from someone who attended the same church for 20 years, that's how it is.

I love my old church, and this isn't me saying anything against it (not to say it doesn't have its faults). It's just where I am at right now. A part of my heart will always belong in that church. There are many people that I love there. I learned to know Christ there. As a homeschooler growing up, that place was my life. But I think that for me in this next phase of growing up, it is time to say goodbye. I just hope I can find a new church soon, one that I can feel connected to and grow in.

What makes a good Friday night? I'll tell you. Chili's to go, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, and me and my kitty just hanging out. Obviously not the most exciting, but it's definitely the way I like to spend my first night off of work. I overslept until 6:30 today and when I woke up couldn't tell if it was morning or evening. Since I was so tired, I decided to order me some cajun chicken pasta from Chili's! And have I mentioned I hate cooking? Especially cooking for one- where's the motivation in that?

At the moment I'm listening to one of my neighbors throwing a party and feeling very boring myself. Oh, well. I'm gonna take my brother to see Star Wars in 3D tomorrow, now that's exciting!

This is the first of FIVE glorious nights off! I haven't had this many off in a row for awhile now. I've been working a very frustrating schedule for a night shifter, and I'm so ready to get it back to the way it used to be. Here's to making the most of my five nights off!

Coming from a family in which eating disorders seem to run rampant, I am scared to death of them. Scared out of my wits. I do everything I can to avoid them, including never dieting because I know where that road leads. I believe in not allowing myself to gain weight so that I will never have to diet to lose it. Because I've never seen dieting done successfully and healthfully. I've hovered at the same weight since mid-college without dieting or restricting myself. Obviously I'm no toothpick; I border on plus-size but am proud of my curves that make me beautiful. (regardless of what anyone else thinks!)

A running joke between me and my best friend ever since I can remember, is that we are picky eaters. And almost to an extreme, though probably I am more than she. Though it's no eating disorder, it is something I can't help and I hate it about myself. I constantly am asked if I ever eat "real food." I've grown very insecure about eating in front anyone who isn't already accustomed to my odd eating habits. I hate trying new restaurants. The restaurants I do eat at, I never sway from the one dish that I find appetizing, and often it involves chicken fingers. My diet is incredibly limited because 80% of food out there isn't even food to me. Put a plate of vegetables in front of me and it might as well be a plate of vomit. I cringe when I imagine there are people who eat vegetarian diets, because I couldn't handle that.

It's laughable that a 24-year-old adult can't stomach vegetables or exotic foods as if she were a 5-year-old. People told me for years that I would outgrow it, and I'm still waiting for that to happen. Until then, I know the foods that I can handle and perhaps someday I will be able to handle more.

It's days like this when I don't like working night shift. I have to work tonight, but I can't sleep for the life of me today. I woke up at 9:30 this morning and am almost always able to get in a short nap at some point before work. So far, unsuccessful. Oh well. Just have to get through 12 hours of work and then can come home and sleep, hopefully rested enough to work another two nights.

I got together with a few nursing friends yesterday. Always a good time! I found this dress at Ann Taylor, and I was so excited that it is long on me!! Never, ever, is anything made for height in the clothes department. I imagine most people have to get it hemmed when they buy it, but not me! It's perfect! Anyway, I won't be wearing it for probably at least a few more weeks due to weather being just a tad too cool.

Although on that note, it has been an unusually warm winter, even for Florida. Most days have been highs in the 70s, with even a couple in the 80s. I've found myself wanting to go to the beach. Of course whatever it is 20 miles inland, you can always count on it being 5 degrees cooler on the beach with a breeze. Though I usually enjoy the colder weather, I'm actually ok with the warmth we've been getting.

And here I am, completely exhausted but facing three nights of work. I'm so excited. But thankful that I have a job. I'm just hoping they are manageable nights. I haven't worked three in a row for awhile, and I'm sure I'll remember why once I do it. Roughly 40 hours of work in 72 hours' time is pretty tough. I'm just looking forward to my 5 nights off at the end of the month!

Apparently there was some football game on and I missed it? Oh well.

I spent the best evening reading and listening to music. The best! After I woke up late (5:45) I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few books. I've lately really gotten into Nicholas Sparks. Tonight I read The Last Song. So good, but why do his books always have to be so sad? I used to swear I hated Nicholas Sparks until I realized my favorite movies were based on his books. Except The Notebook. I hated both the movie and the book. I think I'm the only person I know with that opinion.

Tomorrow I'm getting together with a few nursing school buddies. We swore back in October we would get together more often, but since we hadn't really seen each other since graduation, four months is good!

I should be going to bed soon, but considering it's barely mid-day according to my inner clock, I'm not tired at all. It's always tough the first night off, especially when I only have two or three off at a time and not really enough time to adjust to being awake during the day. I hate/love that about night shift. Hate it because I don't have much of a life as a result, but love it because I love all the sleep that it affords me. Sometimes I think I love sleeping more than is normal.

Well, good night and hoping for a wonderful week for you.

I finally have my internet set up. Getting simple things like TV and internet set up can be real pain. You forget about it until you have to do it all over again.

I'm almost three weeks living at my new apartment, and loving it! I have been working an odd schedule, so I feel like about all I've done is work, sleep, and eat.

In my spare time, I have read the The Hunger Games series (ok, it was spare time over the span of 2 days). I have to say, I was skeptical to even start them because of the way everyone talked them up. It took me half-way through the first book to really get into it or find it interesting, but once I did I was hooked. I found it disturbing and weird at first. They are still disturbing and weird, but you see the reason for all that in the end. Sadly, I felt like it ended with too many loose ends, and there are no more books. I am excited about the movie coming out in March though!

As for work, lately I have been in the zone. I'm actually enjoying it (for the most part) and not absolutely dreading when I have to go in. Work hard, play harder! There are definitely still frustrating days, but I'm finding myself enjoying the challenge that each one brings.

I've found a new rhythm for my little life, and I'm loving it. Does someone wanna come be my personal chef? I'm learning that I hate cooking. A lot.