Well, an all-too-expected MTO from work (our census has been low for a couple weeks) and a torrential downpour (that has yet to let up for two days), and I now have a nice quiet evening to myself.  Jacob, a friend of mine, suggested the book The Woman in White a few weeks ago and I have yet to pick it up.  Seems like the perfect time to do so (along with a glass or two of wine)-- I'll just make sure to leave the weather channel on in the background so I know if any tornadoes are headed my way.  Actually, it's the floods I'm more worried about at the moment.

I haven't had a whole lot to say lately on here.  Well, lately as in the past week and a half.  But I really wanted to try to be better about blogging more often, with more than just boring updates on my life.  I have had a lot about women's issues bouncing around my head for awhile now that I can't seem to articulate into words very well, which has kind of given me writer's block in that particular subject.  I'm still trying to get over caring about what people think about me and truly writing my thoughts on the matter... so give me some time.

I have a trip planned in a few weeks to visit family up north and go to a friend's wedding.  Looking forward to that.  It's come a lot faster than I was ready for-- it feels like I just bought my plane ticket and now here it is just around the corner.  I'm hoping that work doesn't feel the need to cancel me multiple times between now and then.  Although I can't complain about a little more time to myself, I still like to get paid, y'know?

My little sister Hannah also graduated college last week.  Now me and all three of my sisters all have college degrees-- something to be pretty proud of!  Hannah plans on going to grad school, which does inspire me to possibly think of doing that for myself.  But it will be a few years before that is even possible.  I am beginning to think I might actually be able to do the nurse practitioner bit.  We'll see.  It's a lot of work and a lot of school, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  But at times I do find myself looking over what I've accomplished so far, and wondering-- what's next?

To smile or not

I read something interesting on Pinterest recently, a quote by Kristen Stewart regarding the fact that she rarely smiles:

"People say that I'm miserable all the time.  It's not that I'm miserable, it's just that somebody's yelling at me... I literally, sometimes, have to keep myself from crying... It's a physical reaction to the energy that's thrown at you"

I used to think the same thing about her-- that is, why doesn't she smile more?

But I realized, people think the same thing about me.  And I've always hated it and been hurt by it.

Strange men in passing tell me to smile.  I've been told I'd be pretty if I just smiled.  I'm asked by random strangers "Is it really all that bad?"  Even men I know have commented on it-- at times inappropriately.  When women notice it, usually they simply ask me if I'm ok.  But men, it's like they think they deserve a smile from me or something and if I'm not then they have the right to tell me I should.  I remember growing up, my sisters telling me that their friends thought I always looked mad.  This was before I was even 12 years old, so I knew pretty early on that I couldn't simply just be me... but I had to try to look a certain way for others to be happy with me.

And last week, I floated to another unit.  The charge nurse and unit secretary were joking, and it just wasn't funny.  It wasn't, and I didn't feel obligated to laugh for either one of them.  They looked at me and said, "You're really tired, aren't you?"  Nope.  It wasn't funny.  And I am someone who laughs pretty easily.  I'm not particularly funny, but sometimes I laugh so much at things it's kind of embarrassing.  So it isn't that I don't have a sense of humor, though I think people, especially men, want to fancy themselves so funny that I must be sense-of-humor-less if I don't force a laugh for them.

It has dawned on me that in our society, women are expected to smile.  Is smiling an obligation, professionally or socially?  People are uncomfortable when you're not smiling.  In my job, they tell us that we should always smile at every person we walk by at all times.  Do we even realize how strange that is?  For everyone to do that, all the time?  For some people it comes naturally, but for others, it doesn't.  I'm one of them.  It would be weird for me to try to plaster a smile on my face all the time, because my mouth naturally curves more downward.  Not to mention I was born with hooded eyes, and therefore, strike 2: I even more easily look mad or sad.

So, to clear the air: I am not, in fact, angry, sad, or depressed at all times, and I don't have a bubbly disposition... so men (and women, too) of the world, you don't need to comment on it. It's just a naturally serious face I have, coupled with the fact that I am an introvert (another awful trait for a woman to have- but that's another subject for another time) and so I probably won't force a smile and conversation with every stranger I see.  Sorry.

Wednesday night I had nothing to do, so I decided to go see Madea's Witness Protection Program.  I LOVE the Madea movies.  I think they are hilarious, and this one was the funniest one yet!  I was telling my friend about it at work the next night, and she couldn't believe I went to a movie by myself.  It's funny, because when I do go to a movie alone I always feel a little self conscious.  When everyone is busy and I want to see a movie, I'm gonna see it.  Then I'm gonna feel like a weird loner when everyone else is paired up or with their best friends.

The first movie I saw alone was Alice in Wonderland a couple years ago.  I had never even considered seeing a movie alone.  I don't know why people don't do it more.  You will rarely see somebody sitting alone in a theater, but unless you're a fourteen-year-old making out with your date, all you do in a theater is watch a movie.  It really isn't about quality time with friends (unless it's a particularly funny movie, I suppose).  Not to mention I have a lot more free time than most people do, therefore am more likely to go to the movies spur of the moment when everyone else is busy.

Tomorrow I leave for Camp Kulaqua!!  Yeah!!  I'm so unbelievably excited!  I hope it's a calm week.  Last year was pretty busy with multiple sick kids.  Not to mention some counselors saw us as their babysitters.  Which I'm sure will happen again.  I just hope nobody gets sick. What a bummer to go to camp and get sick.  We ended up sending one girl home last year, which I felt so badly for.  Her mother tried so hard to convince us she was going to get better.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I decided to watch Napoleon Dynamite.  I haven't watched that movie in years.  Reminds me so much of high school.  I feel like crap today, though.  Oh, well, I'm going to camp tomorrow.

Do I ever feel sorry for myself because I'm single?

When that subject comes up with others, it is often with pity that I am regarded.  I'm told God has a plan or that He will bring the perfect man along someday when I least expect it.

I really don't feel sorry for myself.  I figured out this week that even though I spend a lot of time alone, I rarely feel lonely.  I look forward to coming home from work and having no plans.  Lame?  Probably.  When I see my friends on facebook going on about their children, breast feeding, cute baby clothes, or their husbands, I really don't feel jealous.  I don't feel bitter toward them either, just somewhat indifferent about the idea of marriage and family at the moment.

I suppose maybe I'll feel differently someday.  But I'm happy right now.  I'm getting to travel, take time for myself, and looking into some exciting opportunities in the near future.  I provide for myself and not in an "I-don't-need-a-man" kind of way, but because I have no other choice.  I'm happy that I have come to a place that I don't need another person to define me or to be happy.

I have my cat, and I'm happy just spending a Saturday night curled up on the couch with The Big Bang Theory on TV, a diet coke in hand.  My life looks lame from the outside, but I really do enjoy it.  I don't know if I'll ever get married or have children, so I'm not going to spend my twenties desperate for those things.

Thanks, Melissa (my fellow single cat-loving sister), for inspiring these thoughts.

Recently I've been working on learning to love myself.  Flaws and all.

I don't know if guys struggle with this concept, or if it is just a complete non-issue for them... but I think that most women can find more than one thing that they hate about themselves.  For me, the constant battle has been with my personality and my body image.  Never quite as thin as I'd like to be... not as pretty as the next girl... in fact, not even pretty at all... and why the hell wasn't I given a more effervescent personality?  You know how there's always that girl who isn't pretty or thin, but oh, she just has such a beautiful personality?  Yeah.  Still not me.

It occurred to me recently what a boring world this would be if we all fit the cookie-cutter mold of what we think beautiful is.  Whether it is the world's perspective, or even the perfect-Christian-girl perspective (because I can think of no place else that expects such perfection out of women-- even if it isn't overtly taught).  What if we all had the same personalities?  The same hair, the same bodies?  Even if these things didn't all look exactly alike, it would still be a pretty weird place.

It isn't to say that we shouldn't take care of ourselves.  But let's face it.  Some women have issues with their body image (or health) that affects their bodies in ways they can't help.  Some starve themselves.  Others make themselves throw up.  Still, others can't control what they eat all the time.  Sometimes there are underlying health problems that you don't know about, and she can't help that her body doesn't allow her to lose (or gain) weight.  It is cruel to say these women have no will power.  That they simply don't take care of themselves.  But that is the general consensus: if she is overweight, then she is lazy.

I worked with a lady from a west Africa, and once when I was mentioning about my weight and how I wished I were thinner, she said to me, "In my country your body is desirable!"  Well then perhaps I am living in the wrong country... but you know what?  I have the body that I want.  Because I am healthy.  I am capable of running and walking.  I am free of ailments.  I can wake up each day and work long hours and make money.  So what if I don't look like a model?  Looks can only carry you so far.  I have a job that I went to school for, obtained on my merits, and continue to work damn hard at.  I'm not saying those are the most important things in life.  But if anyone were to judge me, then judge me by my accomplishments and not just the looks God did or didn't give to me!

I am well aware that yes, some women are more beautiful than others.  I'm not against beauty pageants and modeling and all that... but I think representation for women of all types would be nice.  (like opening up a catalog being able to simply say "I love that outfit!" instead of "Cute outfit but it wouldn't look that good on me..." I'm just saying!)

And I'll end by saying that I am learning to be happy with how I am.  Accepting of it.  Changing the things that I can, and accepting and loving the things I can't.

Rant over.  :)

I have a dream...

Sometimes.... this is true for me too.

Apparently there was some football game on and I missed it? Oh well.

I spent the best evening reading and listening to music. The best! After I woke up late (5:45) I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few books. I've lately really gotten into Nicholas Sparks. Tonight I read The Last Song. So good, but why do his books always have to be so sad? I used to swear I hated Nicholas Sparks until I realized my favorite movies were based on his books. Except The Notebook. I hated both the movie and the book. I think I'm the only person I know with that opinion.

Tomorrow I'm getting together with a few nursing school buddies. We swore back in October we would get together more often, but since we hadn't really seen each other since graduation, four months is good!

I should be going to bed soon, but considering it's barely mid-day according to my inner clock, I'm not tired at all. It's always tough the first night off, especially when I only have two or three off at a time and not really enough time to adjust to being awake during the day. I hate/love that about night shift. Hate it because I don't have much of a life as a result, but love it because I love all the sleep that it affords me. Sometimes I think I love sleeping more than is normal.

Well, good night and hoping for a wonderful week for you.

Someone on facebook recently posted this article about introverts. I found it so interesting and quite hilarious.

I'm an introvert. Always have been (I used to think I was just a homebody because I didn't like going anywhere on Friday nights) and always will be. I'm ok with it, until I feel judged by others because I'm not the vibrant, outgoing girl that people expect (why is it that women are always expected to be bubbly and over-talkative? I read that in general, men don't know how to respond to introverted women). Depending on the company, of course, I can be very talkative and loud, but only with those I'm very comfortable with (i.e. family and close friends).

Wanna know what I do on an average evening? Hang out at my house-- read, write (it's why I enjoy blogging so much), watch a movie, or maybe take a nap. There was awhile where I thought this was becoming a problem. What is wrong with me that I don't want to go to a party, or a gathering of the young adults at my church? It isn't anything personal against anyone. I simply feel drained when I have to attend these functions. I'm not saying I shouldn't make an effort, but I do believe that people have little understanding of us introverts (we are, after all, a minority). Because most people tend to be extroverted, we think there is something wrong when we aren't.

Misconceptions about introverts: shy, boring, snobby, aloof, emotionally disconnected, loner, need I go on? I also recently read an article about how every time there is a mass murder, one of the first things that is reported on that person is that he/she was a "loner," or "quiet," (which they usually are, but with actual psychosis and antisocial or schizoid leanings) leading to the misconception that there is something pathologically wrong with people who enjoy solitude. I'll never forget a lady that came through my line at Publix after the Virginia Tech shooting and said, "I always am wary of quiet people." Really?

If you are an extrovert, please don't be quick in your judgment of people who may not be as outgoing as you, or who may seem a little awkward in social settings, or decline a party on a Friday night. To extroverts, my even making a big deal out of introversion probably seems weird, but I promise you we are very misunderstood. If you think about it, a lot of the social expectations are laid out by the extroverts, who typically run the show. So even if I'm not saying a lot, I'm always tuned in to what is going on around me, and do have something to contribute-- I just can't always get a word in edgewise among the non-stop banter. ;)