What a nice gift I got, getting canceled for work on a Friday night!  My five nights off turned into six, meaning I actually have five full days off.  Sometimes, nursing can definitely have its benefits.  As stressful of a job as it is, there aren't many that can afford you so many days in a row off.  I could go out of town with this kind of time off.  Course, I'm not which makes me pretty lame.

Speaking of lame... no, maybe it's too embarrassing to tell how lame I really am.  Suffice it to say, my sister Melissa and I are equally lame which I think probably makes us equally awesome.  Melissa, you know just what I'm talking about!  Ha!

So, as follow-up on the Weight Watchers front... I gave it up.  Initially it was the lack of will power, but secondary reasons for not going back on it were that my self esteem took a real plummet during those three weeks it hasn't taken in a long, long time.  I have gotten back to a much healthier view of myself.  I'm telling you, diets (call it what you want, it's still a diet) aren't for me.  It can be done in a healthy way, but I don't know how.  So.  I may never be a skinny-mini.  I can rock my curves, and I think I do.  I've avoided the subject for awhile now, because I was kind of embarrassed about it.  But I don't have to be.  I'm not perfect, I'm human and prone to the same mistakes as any person.  But that's kind of what my blog is about, just me being me.  I'm sure if you have read any past post, you know I've said some stupid crap on more than one occasion.

Been contemplating the concept of singleness and who I am in relation to that.  Will write about it soon, when my thoughts are more complete and not just randomly bouncing around my head.  After talking to my sister last night, I had some epiphanies about my attitude in relation to this subject.  Embracing singleness vs. making it your identity.  More to come.

Last week, I took care of a 91 year old lady.  Little old ladies, they always want to know about your marital status.  Then they like to tell you that you are a beautiful girl and they don't know WHY you aren't married yet.  This lady, however, after I told her that no, I wasn't married, she thought about it for a minute and said, "You are a wonderful girl and let me tell you, if you go the whole rest of your life and you stay single, you will be okay!"

Course, I'm wondering do I take this as an insult or compliment?  But really, I knew what she meant and I thanked her for saying so kindly what others won't (especially of her generation).  People in general, though I know they are trying to be helpful, are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman who is happy with herself as is.  The response is almost always, "Oh, honey, you just wait and someday when you least expect it the right man will come along!"  The problem with that statement, is it just isn't true for everyone, and the people saying it can't guarantee that it is.  Not everyone is going to find "the one."  Sometimes people don't find the one until they are older after living for many years single.

Maybe it's just an overall awkward subject and people just don't know what to say, so they say the first silly thing that comes to mind.  I suppose I should give people a little more credit.  I mean, I don't really know what people should say.  But feeling sorry for me and trying to sympathize when no sympathy is needed is pretty annoying.  Do I want to get married?  Hell yeah!  I hope it happens.  I hope it happens sooner rather than later, don't get me wrong.  But in the meantime, I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself and neither should anyone else.

I'm currently reading Dearie- a biography about Julia Child.

Though not really into cooking so much, I've always looked up to Julia Child as role model and someone I could relate to.  Having not gotten married until she was 34, she had many years of somewhat independent living (she came from money, and social standards of the day meant it wasn't so unusual for a single woman to still receive financial help from their parents).  On top of that, she didn't even find her calling until well into her thirties.  She worked a job that required her to travel and saw so much of the world.  Of course, can't talk about Julia Child without mentioning her height as a fellow tall woman- 6'2.  If I think it's frustrating being a tall woman today, I can't even imagine what it was like for Julia and her sister trying to navigate the world of dating in the 30s and 40s. Both married shorter men than themselves.

The book is very interesting and I've only gotten so far as her work overseas with the OSS.  Already in her thirties, yet so much more to her story to come.  I hope someday, people can say that about me.

I hope that one day at the end of my life, I can say I've lived it to the fullest.  I want to travel. I have such an itch to see the world, that I'm often tempted to up and buy a plane ticket to who-knows-where and just do it by myself.  I want experiences of different cultures, people from other places, to get out of my own narrow American view of the world.

I think travel nursing may just satisfy that itch, at least within the States, but in the meantime there are so many other places I want to go.  I want to live, because stuck here, I'm not.  I'm dreaming of it, yes.

Does this describe how I feel or what?

"You can get so confusedthat you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of guy!"

-Dr. Suess's Oh the Places You'll Go!

I am one domestically challenged woman.  The worst at letting my apartment go, and then every time I clean it (which is less often than I'd like to admit) I wonder how I ever let it get messy in the first place and vow to keep it clean as I go.  Then before I know it, messy.  How can you clutter up a two room apartment in such a short time?!  However, I really am going to work on keeping it clean, because if I do move in January, the last thing I want is to be doing a mass cleaning and packing all at the same time.  But I'm proud of myself, as I've deep cleaned and de-cluttered today.  Keeping it clean isn't hard, it's being disorganized that's my problem.

So, anyway.  I ordered new glasses today, and I'm so excited!  They're Ray-Bans, and though not the large rimmed hipster glasses that the cool kids wear nowadays, they're pretty close.  I couldn't go with the really big ones.  I just couldn't.  Anyway, these ones are still cool and somewhat "hipster" if you will, but still something that I can pull off without looking like I'm trying too hard.

And speaking of hipster, I got my first pair of Toms this week.  You know, I like them, but I'm not sure they really fit my style.  That or I just have to get used to them since they are a strange looking pair of shoes.  Maybe I underestimate my ability to be cool.

September is here, and that means all my favorite shows are back!  Parenthood, Survivor, Big Bang Theory.... it's just too much to handle.  Looking forward to watching them.

Exciting changes to be coming.  It is freeing to even think about.

After time spent with a dear friend tonight, it became very clear to me what I need to do next.  I am looking into travel nursing, and expect to hopefully be starting it by January or so.  I need time to be myself, to do something new, and not be held back by people around me. 

As I have not yet begun to officially pursue it, I don't know when it will be.  I just know it will be, at some point.  Something has got to give in my life, and this choice is for nobody but myself.  I have felt trapped by family drama, the choices of others, and my own striving to make things right for too long... and traveling will do nothing to change that.  But it will give me my own space, my own time, and my own identity apart from the shit I've had to deal with for the last two years.  Selfish, maybe, but it's not a choice I am making lightly.

So here's hoping.