My Fitness

For the first time in my life, I am fit.  I have achieved a level of fitness I never thought was possible for me.  I'm certainly not implying I am the fittest woman around, but that I am at the highest level of fitness I've ever been in my life.

And things I've learned in the process?

First of all, being fit means you have to be careful about what you eat.  I always had this misconception that if I exercised all the time, I could eat whatever I wanted.  Cookies, cake, breads, etc... it wouldn't affect me.  But I've learned very quickly that my performance plummets when I consume those foods too often, or in too large of quantities.  And because of that, I have actually found that I want those foods less.  I don't like my performance sucking because of something I ate.

The most surprising thing to me is that being fit doesn't necessarily make you skinnier.  Yes, I have gotten leaner in the process, but don't confuse that for skinnier.  My arms and legs have gotten muscular, and let me tell you... muscles do not a skinny woman make.  These thighs, instead of getting smaller, have simply gotten muscular.  This would have bothered me a year ago, but I realized the other day... I would rather be strong than skinny!  Of course, the kind of exercise I've been doing promotes muscle gain, and yes, I have been increasing my protein and carb intake like nobody's business.

Which leads me to the next thing I've learned... eating the right amounts of the right foods.  It's been a lot of trial and error.  There was once a time when I restricted my intake.  And the more I exercised, the more I would seem to restrict.  My diet consisted of almost no meat, no dairy, and therefore was extremely low in protein.  And I wondered why my body couldn't recover between exercising.  Now I eat plenty of meats, dairy, vegetables, and fruits.  I cook with coconut oil daily, eat 2-3 eggs for breakfast, make sure I have a protein, fat, and carbohydrate source with every single meal.  Even snacks.  Bottom line is, I'm eating.  A lot!  I now weigh whether or not "treats" are worth it.  Chocolate?  Yep, always worth it... especially dark chocolate.  Ice cream?  Duh.  But beyond that, not much else, at least not very often.

And getting here... reaching this point... I always say it but it's been a lot of "little" steps in this direction.  Just a little over two years ago my diet consisted of breads, pastas, desserts, fried foods, diet sodas, and more desserts.  And that's it.  No vegetables, no fruits, nothing good.  And I did not exercise.  AT ALL.  I was the epitome of sedentary.  You think I'm exaggerating maybe, but I'm not.  And I "looked" thinner than I actually was, due to my height.  To this day, people do not believe that I was truly overweight at one time.

And when I had that "aha" moment... the realization that this can't be the best that I'm going to be, this can't be the prime of my life!  I started to change.  I did have to make some drastic changes then and there, but the rest has come slowly.  I've experienced many ups and downs in those two years.  Periods of restriction, binging, over-exercising, injuries, diets, weight gains and losses, depression, distorted body image.  And then it became about LISTENING to my body.

And I feel that sort of is what has led me up to this point in my fitness and health journey.  Because there is freedom when it becomes about listening to your body.  When you're simply enjoying the process of being active, fit, healthy... and doing all of those things according to how your body feels.  So if you can't push it that day, then don't.  If you absolutely feel too full to eat any more, then don't.  If you ate "a lot" and you're still hungry, then keep eating.  And if, although you may not necessarily "need" that dessert but you want it, and it's worth it... then eat it!!!  And so on and so forth.  It's the way I would rather live.

Anyway, lengthy post today but just some thoughts I felt I needed to write down.  As I sit here looking out the window at the brutally hot, sunny day knowing I have a long bike ride ahead of me.  And yes, I have been avoiding it today!

Summer is in full force here in Spokane!  With highs of 106 today  (and highs of 100 for most of the rest of the week) I can honestly say that I have rarely experienced temperatures like this.  Not even in Florida.  Of course one must clarify that in Florida you deal with humidity which automatically means that even 85 degrees there feels worse than this.  But either way... this weather is absolutely brutal and today I will be staying inside as much as possible.  Yes, I have become one of those.  Thank goodness today happens to be a rest day in my training.

I forgot just how hard it is to exercise in the heat.  My friend Haley and I went for a run last night.  We decided to wait until after 8:00 in order to avoid the worst of the heat.  Yeah, it was still 99 when we started.  And for the first time in awhile, I hit a wall.  I'm talking slow... tired... and nauseated.  Amazingly I finished without walking but only because I was with someone else.  We both agreed it was a good idea we ran together!  Haley is training for a marathon and so I've done some of her long runs with her (she's still 15 weeks out so not too far up in the mileage).  I joked that maybe I should join her for the rest of her training... ha!  No, no marathons for this girl.  I think I might do the half marathon though.  We shall see.

Triathlon training is still going strong.  Only two more weeks to go!  I saw great progress this week with swimming.  I had been incredibly discouraged and felt like I wasn't going to be able to do the triathlon because of it.  I'm still pretty nervous about the swimming portion but not nearly as much as before.  I just need to make sure to get in a couple more good swims before the next two weeks is up.

Training has continued to be truly enjoyable.  I can't say it's always fun.  There are certainly days I just feel exhausted and unmotivated to do any of it.  But I am really loving the challenge and the sense of accomplishment when I finish a hard workout.  It's certainly been very therapeutic for me... taught me many things about my body, fueling it, and then taking care of it for recovery.

Anyway, besides that, I was able to make it out to Seattle this week to visit a friend who was there visiting some of his friends!  It was lots of fun and a very nice getaway.  Living out here, I do miss having old friends around, especially ones who somewhat understand what and where you come from. The Northwest and the South are two very different places, and often there are things about me that people out here just don't quite "get" as a result.

I'm right in the middle of 8 days off, enjoying my time.  I don't go back to work until Thursday, which I am most excited for!  Happy summer!

Triathlon Training

It seems the trend in my life lately has been giving myself a break.

A break from dating, a break from striving... and now a break from working to attain a certain body image ideal. Yes, that's something that always seems to be lurking in the back of my mind.  If I'm not trying to attain it, I'm feeling just a little bit guilty because I'm not trying to attain it.

For right now, my focus is 100% on training for my triathlon.  Although perhaps to most seasoned tri-athletes a sprint is a piece of cake, in all reality the training for it is pretty intense-- even for someone who just came off of Bloomsday training.  It takes dedication and time and commitment.  The training itself is time-consuming, not to mention the work it takes to eat enough and eat the right foods to sustain my body during work-outs.  And it's most certainly a lot of trial and error.

Last night was my first time doing two consecutive events in a row.  I biked 12 miles, then immediately ran 3.1 miles.  Honestly, the run was easier than the biking, which surprised me.  Probably because my body is already conditioned for running.  These quads and hamstrings are still learning how to cycle uphill... which is a real bitch let me tell you!  I felt awesome after finishing up that work-out, but a few hours later I definitely could tell I'm going to need some work with my nutrition and hydration surrounding those prolonged periods of activity.  Like I said, it's a lot of trial and error but I'm really enjoying it.

I'm amazed at how strong my body is.  I never thought I would be capable of even training for a triathlon.  My younger sister did one a couple years ago while I was just beginning to get into shape.  I remember being jealous of her for being able to do something so amazing.  And thinking I would probably never get to that point in my journey.  At that time, I felt like I had to get my body into a certain shape (i.e. lean, which in my mind meant skinny at the time) before even thinking about something like that.  And to a point, I have had to get to the place I'm at to be able to train like this.  A year ago (although I was thinner) my eating was so erratic in its fluctuations between unhealthy binging and ultra-healthy control, that my body would never have tolerated such sustained levels of activity.  I probably would have run my metabolism into the ground trying something like this.

I don't want to get too ahead of myself as I still have a month to go before I can even say I've completed a triathlon.  But most of the journey is the training, so I can at least speak from this experience.  And I can tell you, training is fun!  How did no one ever tell me just how much fun it could be?  Or did they and I just never believed them?  Anyway... for now I'm simply thankful to have a body strong enough to go through this.  I never want to take being active for granted.  Not everyone gets this privilege.

Life

Life has been incredibly busy of late.  Between traveling, working, moving, and triathlon training, I feel as though I haven't slowed down for weeks now.  I am definitely enjoying the pace of life, but also feel that I need a break... a reset.  But I don't know when or if that will actually be able to come about.

I had to say goodbye last week to my best friend, Bela, who moved to Wisconsin to be closer to her beau.  We have spent the past year and a half as travel nurses and roommates, essentially spending almost every day together in that time.  The bond that developed between us has become a sisterhood.  Saying goodbye was truly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Not only saying good bye to a friend and sister, but to a wonderful season of life.  And being on the brink of the next season, whatever that may be.

The good in life lately is that I continually find myself more free with each passing day.  Letting go of hurt, sadness, and pain is a continuous, every-day task.  But letting go I am, and with each passing day it gets easier.  While I am truly happy and content with where my life is at this time, there are certainly days that the weight of loneliness can be overwhelming.

And although I'm lonely, I'm taking a break.  A break from dating, a break from looking for Mr. Right. A break from constant self-scrutiny of "Am I pretty enough?  Am I thin enough?  Am I enough?" (for I never think I am)  It isn't as though I spend all of my time dating and looking for men.  But I have spent a considerable amount of time on it, worried constantly about what men might think of me... perusing dating profiles in hopes of seeing one who can catch my eye... only to see myself as inadequate and undeserving of another's love.  Dating a man in hopes of sparking something, only to be disappointed.  I'm just done with it for awhile.  I'm tired.  Finding a husband isn't the end-all be-all of my life.  But it is something that has been on my mind more and more lately.  Yet it only seems to end in constant disappointment.

But my life is my own.  And so I am taking the next few months to simply look after myself.  To take care of my body, feed it well, train it well.  To invest in friendships and hobbies.  To do things that make me happy.  To find rest and continued healing in nature.  And to simply accept myself for who I am... every bit of me.