Whole30, Round 2

As week one of my 2nd Whole30 draws to a close, I've had a lot of thoughts swirling in head about Whole30 and why I love it.

This week definitely started out a little difficult, as most Whole30's do.  I didn't really have cravings so much as I struggled because I am a bored eater and an emotional eater.  Two very bad combinations.  Sitting on the couch at night with Netflix makes me want to grab a pint of ice cream.  Three AM at work with nothing happening makes me want to forage for food.  The list could go on, but I think you get the point.  I like to eat basically when there's nothing else to do.

Not only that, I definitely have sugar addiction, and I don't mean "Oh I need a piece of chocolate every day so I can get my fix!"  I mean, once I start eating sweets I almost can't stop.  It can be really difficult, although I think I have learned to manage it pretty well... but it's still difficult.  It isn't even a matter of being deprived that makes me binge on sweets.  I just have that problem.  It wouldn't matter if I had eaten ice cream the night before or gone a year without it, because I'll want those sweets just as badly either way.  (This is something very few people seem to understand about people who are actually sugar addicts)

So all that to say... I love Whole30 because it takes such a balanced approach to food.  I know a lot of people look at the rules and would probably laugh at that statement.

But compare Whole30 to other diets.  Sure, it restricts certain food groups. But not as a way to say hey, you can never ever eat that food again or make it a regular part of your diet!  No, it's as a way to re-introduce those foods back into your diet to see how they truly affect you... and then YOU decide whether or not you really want to continue keeping them in your diet based on how they affect you.  Not based on a number on the scale or a size on a tag.

Yeah, Whole30 is a pretty tough-love program.  Mess up and you're supposed to start over.  But at no point does Whole30 make you count, measure, weigh, calculate points, etc.  You cannot weigh yourself during your Whole30.  And for someone who has food issues, control issues, body image issues, this. Is. Huge.  I have tried other ways.  I have calorie-counted.  I have Weight Watchers points-counted.  And that has only EVER gotten me to a horrible, awful place with food.

The first time I ever binged was in the middle of Weight Watchers a year and a half ago.  This wasn't a sugar binge, it was just a total food binge.  I couldn't help it, I literally felt out of control of what I was doing.  That is hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.  And I tried and tried to overcome it by more restriction, restriction, restriction.  Just be strong, have the willpower you need, etc.  I weighed myself daily.  I would wake up and eat a small, "healthy" breakfast, only to fight the urge the rest of the day and finally give in that night.

I finally began to take a more balanced approach over the next few months, but it still occasionally happened.  Then as fall approached and I started having issues with my boyfriend at the time, I lost my appetite almost completely (something that had never happened in my entire life, nor has it since) and that weight began to fall off.  Of course I was happy, because food no longer pre-occupied my thoughts like it had before.  But I remember thinking, this is going to screw with my metabolism, and most certainly not help my food issues.  As my appetite came back, the urge to binge somewhat came back, but at a more controllable level.

So when I started Whole30, I was afraid.  Afraid that all my food issues would come flying back with a vengeance.

What surprised me was that they didn't.  I gained more food freedom during Whole30 than I ever had before in my life.  It certainly brought some issues that I've mentioned before, in the form of being too strict with label-reading and things like that.  Like I said, it's not perfect.  But I remember that first instance of being in the same room with a container of cupcakes at work, and having absolutely zero urge to eat even one.

I'm approaching this Whole30 with a different attitude than before, which I will talk more about another time.

I know people think I've "drank the kool-aid."  I know that.  But I encourage people to try Whole30 at least once.  Just see how you feel with thirty days of eating real, good, nutritious food.

As you know, in February I competed my first Whole30.

Through Whole30, I found a lot of healing from food issues.  I learned what it really means to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full.  This had been a struggle for me for years, and of course it's not without its struggles today either.  I gained many good habits from Whole30.  I learned how to cook good, whole food.  I learned how to actually taste my food instead of scarfing it down quickly.  I gained a lot of freedom from food because of Whole30.

But I've also come to realize a few cons of Whole30.  My disclaimer at this point is that these are cons for me.  I'm not implying other people will experience these.  And I also still very much believe in the philosophy of Whole30 and the positive impact that it had on my life and many other peoples' lives.

One thing I found through Whole30 was that I didn't realize how much sugar was in everything we eat.  If you look at the ingredients list on many foods, sugar is one of the top ingredients.  And why?  Who knows, but it's in everything.  So I changed how I shop.  I continued to not buy foods that had any added sugar in them.  I also quit grains almost 100%.  I continued to allow some dairy in my diet (mostly in the form of half and half).  I still stayed away from legumes.  I will say that this also meant my diet was pretty high in fat.  Because most of what I could eat (besides fruits and veggies) contains a lot of fat.

My mistake in all of this was blindly going into a new way of eating once Whole30 ended.  I didn't stop to wonder just how much of each macronutrient I was getting in my diet.  I didn't track my eating (because I felt that "counting" anything would lead to restriction).  This resulted in weight gain over the months following Whole30.  Not tremendous weight gain, and nothing I felt I was trapped in.  I also was at a place where I didn't mind and I was simply happy to go about my life freely without thinking about how much I was eating.  And that's ok for awhile.  And I was actually conscious of most of these things at the time, but I just wasn't in a place where I wanted to do anything about it.

Of course, as the months have gone by, I've modified my eating habits to fit my lifestyle.  I've stopped with the thinking that this food is bad because it has added sugar or this food is bad because it is a grain.  I eat cheese and protein bars and peanut butter (because... GAINS!).  Of course I still eat eggs every morning for breakfast.  I still eat plenty of meat, but I now opt for as lean a cut as I can.  And this week I even bought a loaf of whole grain bread because... well, it looked good and I wanted to.  And I realized.... that's just fine!  Eating grains on occasion isn't going to sabotage my health and fitness.  It's funny, but buying that loaf of bread was just a little bit freeing for me.  I've even had some frozen yogurt after dinner the past couple of nights.  And look, I'm still doing fine!

And last but not least.... for the better part of the past month I have been tracking my food intake.  Yes, I realize that is not a way you want to live your life forever.  But I also realized that I needed to get a handle on exactly what I was eating and how my macros were balancing out.  Turns out I wasn't too far off track, but I just needed to get a handle on what my body really needs.  I'm not sure how much longer I will continue to do that.  But for now I feel good about it.  I don't feel that it is completely restricting me, only that it makes me more aware of how much I am eating.  Because it's hard for me to sometimes find that balance on my own if I'm doing it blindly.

Bottom line is, I would do another Whole30.  In fact, I plan on doing another one in January.  It is truly like pressing the reset button on your health... but I'm not sure I believe in it as a way of living every day.  And I know that the authors do not endorse the idea of living within the Whole30 restrictions every single day.  But unfortunately in our diet-obsessed culture, we like to have rules and regulations and so we still try and apply those rules even though we don't have to.

Anyway, this is a very scattered post but needless to say... I'm most interested in eating in a way that fuels my body for living life, for performing at its best in everything I do.

My Fitness

For the first time in my life, I am fit.  I have achieved a level of fitness I never thought was possible for me.  I'm certainly not implying I am the fittest woman around, but that I am at the highest level of fitness I've ever been in my life.

And things I've learned in the process?

First of all, being fit means you have to be careful about what you eat.  I always had this misconception that if I exercised all the time, I could eat whatever I wanted.  Cookies, cake, breads, etc... it wouldn't affect me.  But I've learned very quickly that my performance plummets when I consume those foods too often, or in too large of quantities.  And because of that, I have actually found that I want those foods less.  I don't like my performance sucking because of something I ate.

The most surprising thing to me is that being fit doesn't necessarily make you skinnier.  Yes, I have gotten leaner in the process, but don't confuse that for skinnier.  My arms and legs have gotten muscular, and let me tell you... muscles do not a skinny woman make.  These thighs, instead of getting smaller, have simply gotten muscular.  This would have bothered me a year ago, but I realized the other day... I would rather be strong than skinny!  Of course, the kind of exercise I've been doing promotes muscle gain, and yes, I have been increasing my protein and carb intake like nobody's business.

Which leads me to the next thing I've learned... eating the right amounts of the right foods.  It's been a lot of trial and error.  There was once a time when I restricted my intake.  And the more I exercised, the more I would seem to restrict.  My diet consisted of almost no meat, no dairy, and therefore was extremely low in protein.  And I wondered why my body couldn't recover between exercising.  Now I eat plenty of meats, dairy, vegetables, and fruits.  I cook with coconut oil daily, eat 2-3 eggs for breakfast, make sure I have a protein, fat, and carbohydrate source with every single meal.  Even snacks.  Bottom line is, I'm eating.  A lot!  I now weigh whether or not "treats" are worth it.  Chocolate?  Yep, always worth it... especially dark chocolate.  Ice cream?  Duh.  But beyond that, not much else, at least not very often.

And getting here... reaching this point... I always say it but it's been a lot of "little" steps in this direction.  Just a little over two years ago my diet consisted of breads, pastas, desserts, fried foods, diet sodas, and more desserts.  And that's it.  No vegetables, no fruits, nothing good.  And I did not exercise.  AT ALL.  I was the epitome of sedentary.  You think I'm exaggerating maybe, but I'm not.  And I "looked" thinner than I actually was, due to my height.  To this day, people do not believe that I was truly overweight at one time.

And when I had that "aha" moment... the realization that this can't be the best that I'm going to be, this can't be the prime of my life!  I started to change.  I did have to make some drastic changes then and there, but the rest has come slowly.  I've experienced many ups and downs in those two years.  Periods of restriction, binging, over-exercising, injuries, diets, weight gains and losses, depression, distorted body image.  And then it became about LISTENING to my body.

And I feel that sort of is what has led me up to this point in my fitness and health journey.  Because there is freedom when it becomes about listening to your body.  When you're simply enjoying the process of being active, fit, healthy... and doing all of those things according to how your body feels.  So if you can't push it that day, then don't.  If you absolutely feel too full to eat any more, then don't.  If you ate "a lot" and you're still hungry, then keep eating.  And if, although you may not necessarily "need" that dessert but you want it, and it's worth it... then eat it!!!  And so on and so forth.  It's the way I would rather live.

Anyway, lengthy post today but just some thoughts I felt I needed to write down.  As I sit here looking out the window at the brutally hot, sunny day knowing I have a long bike ride ahead of me.  And yes, I have been avoiding it today!

Food Pictures... Yum!

All through my Whole30 I meant to post photos of the delicious foods I was making and eating, but never got around to it.  So here are some lovely pictures of what I've been eating so far on my Whole10!  Keep in mind I'm not one much for editing photos.

West African Chicken Stew

This one is DELICIOUS, and includes sunflower seed butter.  Honestly, I am barely able to eat much of it at a time which really surprised me because I absolutely love how it tastes.  It's just incredibly rich.  Luckily it's pretty dense with chicken so you don't have to eat much to get your animal protein in.

Stuffed Acorn Squash

My favorite!!!  The stuffing includes lean ground beef (pasture-raised, grass-fed) and cauliflower rice. 

This is just the spinach, artichokes, and onions sauteeing for the spinach-artichoke turkey burgers. 

Olive Oil Mayonnaise

I don't ever see a reason to buy mayonnaise at the store again! 

Spinach-Artichoke Turkey Burgers

They taste better than they look, I promise!!! 

Garlic-Dijon Roasted Brussels Sprouts

My absolute FAVORITE vegetable dish so far. 

Breakfast Egg Bake

Bela made this one.  It has ground pork with sausage seasoning, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, coconut milk, and of course eggs.  It's been great to have all made up and just heat it up quickly after a long night at work. 

Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai

I was actually surprised I liked this one so much.  I like spaghetti squash, but I don't love it.  But I definitely loved this dish and will make it regularly from here on out! 

And just some veggies I roasted up a few days ago.  Nothing like roasted veggies. 

And here is the turkey burger, bun excluded.  On it is the mayo, avocado mashed with lemon juice, unsweetened brown mustard and ketchup, and onions. 

In case you're tired of looking at food photos, I decided to post some from my hike on High Drive a few days ago.  Beautiful views!  And lots of uphill so it was a great workout!  I love where I live! 

^^^Spring is here!!^^^

Whole30: Day 21

Time is going by quickly and here I am on day 21 of Whole30!  The last few days of this past week were kind of a rough patch for me.  For some reason I was really frustrated with it.  I didn't have any cravings, but kept finding myself thinking about wanting ice cream or just wanting to snack a lot.  Sometimes old habits die hard.  Just goes to show that there's no magic cure for things like that!  It takes time.

Since I have a couple of nights off work, I did some cooking last night and will make a few more dishes today.  And my hope is that will carry me through the end of this week-- and then I'm looking at only another three days after that!  I honestly can't believe how quickly this has gone.

I've said it already, but the best thing I've gleaned from this (besides learning how to eat clean) has been all the cooking.  Turns out I'm actually a good cook.  Who knew?!  Of course it takes time, but I've found that sometimes it's really therapeutic to just spend a day in the kitchen chopping, mixing, stirring, taste-testing with different flavors and spices.  Taylor Swift also really helps a lot too!  Can she just be my best friend already?

Here has been my absolute favorite meal: Stuffed Acorn Squash.  Seriously, it is amazing.  It'll definitely be on rotation weekly from here on out.  My second favorite meal has been Paleo Zuppa Toscana.  Julia made this last week when we cooked together.  I still have one more serving left, and I'm so hesitant to finish it because then it's all gone.  Julia has the Whole30-approved bacon so I won't be able to make it again without special-ordering some from the butcher shop.  So delicious!!!  And one simple recipe I will definitely keep using: Paleo Cauliflower Rice Pilaf.  I actually just make the simple version with the coconut oil, onions, salt, and pepper.  I don't think I'll make actual rice anymore.  Why should I?  It tastes almost as good, has no grains, plus it's an easy (and tasty!) way to get more veggies!

So it's officially been three whole weeks since I've had dairy, legumes, grains, alcohol, (well, that's actually been since New Years!) or added sugar or sweetener.  I've eaten mostly organic fruits and vegetables.  Grass-fed meat, free-range organic eggs.  I never thought I could eat like this and actually enjoy it.  And feel good.  Honestly, I don't feel like a whole different person.  I've certainly noticed that my running has gotten a bit easier, my shin splints have vastly improved, and my times have gotten much better.  I sleep better.

I still don't know exactly what direction I'll be taking next week.  I'd like to stick to a mostly-paleo diet from here on out.  I don't ever want to be over-the-top strict with myself.  Before this started, I felt like my healthy eating was 80/20, but honestly it was probably more like 70/30.

I know that this is another milestone for me though.  Two years ago at this time, my diet consisted of mostly processed carbs, fast food.  I rarely cooked and if I did, it was mostly pasta.  I was overweight, sedentary, and very unhealthy.  I felt like shit all the time.  The past two years have been a long, uphill journey to get my health under control.  I believe that lifestyle change comes slowly, not overnight and I'm a testament to that.  I still consider myself having a long way to go, but this is just another step in the right direction for me.  I'll write more on that another time though.  Today I'm just happy to have a better relationship with food.

Whole30: Day 5

Day five of Whole30 is wrapping up.  So far, it hasn't been quite as bad as I had thought it would be.  I'm pretty sure having mostly-healthy habits before probably made a difference.  I mean, I didn't go from McDonald's to Whole30 y'know?

The first day I definitely felt it.  I had to work that night, so I spent more than half the night with a headache.  Which I am fairly certain was the lack of processed carbs.  They have become a bit more of a staple in my diet lately.  The next day, I felt a fog just sort of settle over my brain.  It was weird.  Of course throughout all of this I was experiencing cravings.  But come the third day... and that increased! I wanted anything with processed carbs-- bread, crackers, chips, I didn't care.  Thankfully the fourth day that all seemed to stop.  I started to feel pretty good.  And it's continued today as well, so I'm hoping that it's here to stay.  We'll see.  They say the first seven is the hardest, and once you hit day 10 you're coasting.  We'll see.

I love that this has expanded my palate.  I'm not one to be adventurous with trying new foods or cooking.  This has really broadened my horizons.  I'm actually really enjoying cooking and experiencing with different foods.  I bought the cookbook Well Fed, and that has been a lifesaver!  So many delicious recipes, that I don't feel deprived in the slightest!

I'm not sure yet if this way of eating could be a way of life for me.  At least this extreme.  But it's really good to eat clean and feel good because of the food I'm eating.  I definitely think that it will change how I eat for good, but not necessarily so drastically.  I don't ever see myself cutting out dairy for life, y'know?  And I don't ever want to be that person in the restaurant making the server go through a detailed description of ingredients.

But we'll see.  For now, I just feel really good and I'm enjoying that aspect of all this.  Just hoping it stays this way!  I'll check back in periodically on how things are going.

Whole30

I am always striving to be as healthy as I can be.  Sometimes I fail at it, and I try not to beat myself up about it.  I think that we should go easy on ourselves, be forgiving of ourselves, and simply learn from those experiences.  As I said yesterday, this past year was a huge learning experience for me.  A very hard one at that.

I am here to say that starting next week, I will be doing Whole30.  I want to iterate that I am not doing Whole30 as a means to diet.  Not at all.  I honestly want to clean up my eating, find out how certain foods affect me negatively, and still eat my favorite foods, except within moderation.  Yes, for 30 days I will be very limited in what I can eat, but those 30 days are about learning how your body feels off of those foods (grains, legumes, sugar, alcohol, dairy).  And then learning how your body reacts as you re-introduce them.  From there I will decide how much and how often I will want those foods in my diet.

Like I said, it's not about a diet.  I am very much eager to be the very best version of myself that I can be.  I want to be stronger.  I want to feel healthy and alive every day.  I want to be the best I can be mentally, emotionally, physically, and the food we eat has such a strong effect on that.  I also have had psoriasis since I was 9 years old, and am quite curious as to how certain foods I eat may or may not worsen the condition.  Yeah, I realize that I will probably become leaner throughout the process, and that's definitely a positive.  But that's not my main focus.  I will not be restricting calories or portion sizes.  I plan on eating when  I am hungry and eating until I'm not hungry anymore.

And through this process, I will be compassionate toward myself.  There will be trial and error, I am sure.  Yes, the 30 days is pretty restrictive in that you can't cheat because you have to get yourself off of those particular foods.  So I am pretty dead set on following the plan.

I just wanted to write it down that this is what I am doing, so I can be held accountable to actually starting it.  I will be doing it with one of my good friends at work, so the accountability with her will be good as well.  We've already talked about taking turns bringing in lunch for work so that we each don't have to pack a lunch every day.  I'm very excited, even if I'm dreading this a bit as well.  I frequent my favorite bakeries at least once or twice a week if not more... and I certainly do love my sweets.  And eventually I may reincorporate those things but much less frequently.

Anyway, meal planning is in the works right now... wish me luck!

Food

I love food.

If you know me, you know this about me.  I especially love sweet foods, and at times feel like a bottomless pit that could never get tired of candy and baked goods, if I let myself eat them all day every day.

And the fact that I love food--I have decided--is not a flaw about me.  I have long thought it was.  I tend to eat more than the average woman, and though I am also much taller than the average woman, I have always felt shame about this.  I should be more dainty in my eating habits, I should leave more food on my plate, etc.  That although I'm six feet tall, I should be eating for a 5'4'' frame.

I have discovered that I am recovering from disordered eating.  Not from an eating disorder, no.  But from a few good years of using food as a source of comfort, almost treating it like a friend.  Until this past May, it wasn't unusual for me to go out of my way for a Zaxby's milkshake, Chick Fil A breakfast, or order pizza in by myself (among other things-- these are just a few).  Every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  Breaking those habits was one of the hardest things I've done, and though I see nothing wrong with the occasional fast food, I was doing it too often.

When people talk about the term "comfort food," they usually mean something such as ice cream, or warm baked chocolate chip cookies with milk, or cornbread and bean stew.  Something to remind them of a simpler, happier time.  Something that brings them comfort.  For me, all food is comfort food.  Had a bad day?  Let's eat.  Had a good day?  Let's eat.  Had an ok day?  Let's eat again.  It doesn't matter the occasion, the emotion, or the people I'm with.  Food brings me comfort.  Of course, certain foods do this more than others, but I simply love eating.

So.  For the past four months, I have been re-wiring the way I think about food.  I still LOVE food.  That will never change.  But even just the little things.  Going to coffee with friends does not mean I need a scone with that coffee.  Going to the movies doesn't mean I should get popcorn and nachos with my diet coke.  Slowly it is becoming less of a conscious decision for me to not do these things.  And sometimes I still do them, and it's ok.  But I'm learning to enjoy things I love without always involving food with them.  That is a process.  One I'm still learning and may always be learning.

It is difficult at times, but also incredibly freeing.

Sorry for the scattered thoughts on the subject.  And thanks to my friend, Lindsey, for listening when I was sorting through some of these thoughts.

Over The Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend, I'd say.  Saturday I spent the morning with Lauren at the beach for her birthday.  We went to Cruiser's Grill afterward, and enjoyed great hamburgers, chips and queso.  I've never been to Cruiser's Grill but apparently it's a really popular spot at Jax Beach.  And now I know, and you do too.  Try it out!

Later on, I got together with Bela at Starbucks to catch up.  We have tried again and again for six months to find time to get together, but it didn't work out until now.  It was great to catch up, an afterward we met up at Olive Garden for dinner with her sister Priti and her mom Miss Gita.  It was such a great time!  We laughed a lot.

Post-beach shot with Lauren at Cruiser's Grill.  GREAT hamburgers! 

Seeing Bela was lots of fun! 

This picture was retaken several times because I had a tree sticking out behind my head.  Turns out that tree was just my hair.

Friends! 

Bela with her mom and sister Priti

Health Thoughts for the Week...

Some thoughts on health and body image...

Happiness is a feeling.  Fat is not.

Fat will not determine my level of happiness.  Certainly, when I am taking care of myself I feel better.  I have more energy.  When I eat a well-balanced meal as opposed to an unhealthy one, I feel less inclined to make unhealthy choices later on.

Neither is fat a moral failing.

Wanting to lose weight and wanting to be healthier is not a moral failing.  Obsessing over it is unhealthy.  Using "thinspiration" and body comparison is unhealthy.  My body is not like anyone else's and therefore I will not use that method.  My body tells me when I am hungry, and I listen to it.  Sometimes my body tells me when I want (rather than need) something, and that is ok too.

Food is part of life's enjoyment.  It should be eaten and enjoyed.  If I eat a donut and enjoy it, (and I did, just this morning) I have no reason to feel guilty.

Finding a balance is a process.  I feel better today than I did a month ago, and that is what makes me happy.  It is not a feeling of fat or skinny or in-between.  And this isn't to say that those conflicts don't or won't arise within me.  But I am learning to really evaluate everything I am thinking about myself and my body image... does that make sense?

Sorry for the scattered thoughts.  And sorry for so much of the same stuff in the past couple of weeks here.  Haven't had much to say lately on this blog.

thoughts on being healthy from a slightly chubby almost-26-year-old

Well, it happened again... but this time it was a little more real.

I had to look at myself in the mirror, square in the face, and come to terms with reality.  I'm unhealthy.  I don't exercise.  I don't eat right.  And I feel like crap... all the time.  I carry extra weight that I've especially packed on in the past year, and I don't feel good about myself.  And I've thrown out my back a total of four times in my life, the most recent of which put me in the ER after passing out from extreme pain.  This should not be happening to a 25 year old!

For the past week I've been on what I guess you would call a diet, though I'm trying very hard not to think of it as such.  I prefer to think of it as a purging of the daily bad habits that I've developed, and learning new habits.  For instance, processed carbs.  I haven't had them in over a week.  And let me tell you, I'm a text-book carb addict.  And the thing is, I'm fine!  I haven't keeled over and died from not having french fries or chips or cheez-its!  (Not to mention I have yet to feel bloated once since I've cut those out of my diet-- that was a daily feeling for me)  For now, I'm trying to cut out red meat.  And I've added in an abundance of fruit and vegetables to my diet, along with walking several days a week.

Ok, ok.  I've just started and so I haven't fallen off the wagon, and I'm still kind of excited about trying to change my ways.  The way I'm looking at it is, there's no wagon to fall off of.  If I have a bad day and overeat pizza or ice cream, instead of looking at it as a failure I will try to pick myself up again and get right back at it.  Because eating something you really want isn't a moral failing, it's just maybe not the healthiest thing.

So while I was on my walk today, I had some thoughts.

1. Food has this hold over me, that I wish it didn't.  I don't think about it all the time, but I do think about my next meal more often than I should.

2. Though I'm trying to be healthy, I don't want to reach a point where I'm constantly counting calories, carbs, and fat, and never allowing myself to eat that really delicious Zaxby's milkshake or pizza.  It's just learning that I can't do those things every day.

3. When did I get so old?  Walking shouldn't be this hard.

4. I'm still young, but let's face it.  I don't have the same body or metabolism I did when I was sixteen.  Thirty is only four years away away and I've spent most of my twenties in a sedentary coma watching TV and eating ice cream.  Ok, that's an extreme exaggeration.  But I want my thirties to be better than my twenties... and if I continue in the habits I'm in, that's not going to happen.

5. I am trying to make my focus healthy, but I do want to lose weight and get back to the size that makes me feel better about myself-- and also helps me to be able to do the things I want to do with more energy.

6. I love food, and that's ok.  I am trying to learn to love it differently.

Change

At work last night a very blunt co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you gaining weight?  You look like you are gaining weight."

I have joined weight watchers again.  It hit me when I looked in the mirror... though I don't want to be skinny, I am not the healthy woman that I once was.  I am determined to take better care of myself.  I have accepted that I am the over-looked, chubby but still confident girl, and I won't do that anymore.

I realize I've said a lot of stuff about accepting myself and loving myself and that is still true for me.  I still look in the mirror and see something that I like, but I know that it just isn't the best I can be when I am not healthy.

I am posting this so that I am accountable.  I want to continue to love myself but to do it better.  I have been doing myself a disservice for the rest of my life by not taking care of my health.  That ends today.  I know it won't be perfect.  I know I work nights, and it's going to be extra hard because of that.

I've seen dieting done the wrong way.  I have never watched somebody diet and exercise the right way.  Not once.  With great fear I am starting this, because I don't want to become somebody who is obsessed and preoccupied with food.  I want to be the best Nat that I can be.

The thing is, I'm still within the healthy weight range... but pushing the limits and I'm ready to change that.  Ready to look my best and feel my best.

I'm just chilling on this lazy Sunday afternoon.  I have a yummy-smelling rice pudding baking in the oven (head on over to Lindsey's blog to see where I got the awesome recipe that belonged to her great-grandmother-- I take no credit whatsoever for it) and I'm just dying to get to taste it.  AMC has a Brad Pitt marathon, and currently Legends of the Fall is on which I have never seen.  I forgot that Brad Pitt actually was once really good looking.  I always thought he was (mostly remember him from Troy) but the last few years certainly haven't been good to him.  Maybe being the father to sixteen kids has something to do with it.

Anyway, I digress.  I just took the rice pudding out of the oven a little early and it looks delicious!  I think my oven is one of those convection ovens, which seem to bake things a lot quicker than normal ones.  I'm DYING to eat it!

Well, it's back to the grind tomorrow for another three nights of work.  But this month I am working three one, four off every single week!  I'm SO excited, even though I don't like three in a rows.  I love having four off.  And it feels like there might just be a little more routine back in my life.

Two things I am loving:

Naked Juice. Have you tried this? It is SO good. A lot of my co-workers will drink this while they are charting or on their break, and rave about how good it is. Honestly, I always thought they looked a little gross. The color of the smoothies can be a little disconcerting and a turn-off at first. I finally tried the strawberry banana one and the blue machine. Filling, and a good substitute for a meal if you are busy or on the go.

Oikos Organic Greek Yogurt. I've seen a lot of those commercials for Greek yogurt and wondered what all the fuss about Greek yogurt was over regular yogurt. I still don't get why it's the "in" thing, but I tried it and it is delicious. It is of a much thicker consistency than regular yogurt, which in my opinion makes it a lot better.

Yesterday I went to the beach with my friend Lauren. It was a good, relaxing time. I did get quite a sunburn... yow! Hopefully it'll turn into a little more of a tan after a week or so (it usually does) but right now I am in a lot of pain. I had to run up to Target to get aloe lotion. I can smell summer-- and I'm loving it! I've decided that even though I love cool weather, too much of those dreary winter months (even in Florida) can really affect my mood. Already after a little sun, I'm feeling much better than I have in awhile.

And how many girls does it take to air up four tires? Apparently it takes two of us exactly four minutes. Between Lauren airing them up and me checking the tire pressure, and accidentally letting too much air out, it was a ridiculous scene with us running around the car trying to get it all finished in time.

I've still got a touch of a headache from yesterday's fun in the sun. I'm looking forward to the next several months of heat (yes, I know I will be eating those words come July and August), afternoon showers, and relaxing.

The Beach!

I'm posting from Redington Shores, FL, visiting here with my good friend Lindsey! She flew down from Ohio a few days ago for her vacation. It's four hours south of where I live, so of course I was gonna come visit!

The drive down was actually really nice. I've been down this way before but never drove it myself. Half of it was the Florida country roads, and I got to go through Ocala which is beautiful country (I love road trips by myself-- make that a scenic road trip, and it's win-win)! I don't go down that way ever. I'm used to the Orlando drive, which is ugly and boring.

I'm staying another night here. It has been really relaxing. On top of seeing Lindsey which has been a blast, she's staying in a beach house so we've gotten to walk on the beach, hang out and be lazy, plus do some touristy things. We did go to a fort about thirty-five minutes away from here yesterday, and both of us have decided that was the biggest mistake (i.e. it was really small, there was literally nothing to see but a couple of cannons). We spent all of 8 minutes there. I never thought I would appreciate the St. Augustine fort so much.

Last night we ate at Crabby Bill's. I'm not a seafood fan, but it was actually at my suggestion. It just seems right that when you are staying at a beach house, you should eat at a seafood restaurant. And a touristy one at that. I ate blackened salmon, which was delicious. The spiciness takes away from the fishiness. I'm sorry, I'm just not a big seafood fan. I don't see it as food. When I smell fish at a restaurant or grocery store, it smells the same as that dead fish those birds were feasting on at the beach. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Well, I hope everyone is having a wonderful week. I know I am, and after a pretty stressful three nights of work this past weekend, I am really appreciating a little relaxing. It'll be back to reality soon enough.