it's a journey

Since starting travel nursing, running has become a new hobby of mine.  That's definitely not a something I ever thought I would say, but here I am saying it.  I feel as though I've had a breakthrough with fitness.  Seeing it as a way to challenge and push myself, achieve goals, break my own personal records.  And learning that it isn't about pushing my body to achieve a specific size and shape.

Yesterday I went running-- five miles (more than I've run in years)-- in the snow, ice, and rain.  Call me crazy, but I actually do enjoy running in conditions other than hot and humid (take that, Florida!).  I indulged in a little self-promotion that I rarely allow myself to do on facebook, and bragged on myself just a bit.  I then included the statement that I felt badass because less than a year ago I was overweight and sedentary.  And while I got plenty of likes for that status (because well, duh, that's why we post!) one comment stood out to me more than all of those likes.  Essentially the gyst of this comment was that I was never overweight to begin with.

Of course, then I felt a bit silly.  

I know I was never obese.  I realize I don't know what it's like to be 30, 50, or 100+ pounds overweight.  I've never claimed to.  But I was a sedentary, over-eating and yes, overweight girl.  I was unhealthy, even though I might not have admitted it at the time.  I could barely walk a mile without being short of breath.  I would bend over to tie my shoes and breathing became difficult.  I felt stuck, I felt trapped.  I felt like I would try to make extreme changes only to make even bigger failures and then feel even worse about myself.  When I reached my breaking point last May when even my biggest clothes were way too small and I barely recognized who I saw in pictures, I knew something had to change.  So I began a journey, one that I'm still on, and one that I'm still learning to navigate and probably always will.

I remember thinking to myself, "I'm 25 years old.  Is this the prime of my life?  Is this as good as it will get for me?"  And I resolved that the latter part of my twenties would be better.  That I would take care of myself.  Every day is different.  There are days I don't have a hard time with it at all.  And days where I still wish I could just eat a whole pizza, ice cream and cake, and just not care.  And sometimes I allow myself those (smaller) indulgences, and it's ok.  But every day is part of my journey toward being a better, healthier person.

On Feeling Low

Tonight I've been feeling really low.

I couldn't put my finger on why.  It's like a thousand different things that are bothering me and stressing me out.  I'm stressed about changes coming.  I'm worried about finances.  I'm afraid everything won't come together.  I'm nervous about an event coming up tomorrow.  I'm fat and disgusting.

Wait.... what?!

How did that creep in?  I'm sitting here worrying about all these legitimately stressful things, and suddenly I find myself running my hands over my stomach, wishing it were thinner. I suddenly felt angry that I ate frozen yogurt after supper, and two small pieces of banana bread just now for a late night snack.

It took me awhile to even figure out that I was taking the stress in my life and turning it into body hatred.  Using it to cut myself down for no good reason at all.  And doing it completely subconsciously without even realizing it.  How many times have I done this before and never figured it out?

I have yet to figure out if it's really my self-esteem that's at fault here tonight, or the stress of life.  But they seem to be working together really well to keep me feeling pretty lousy for now.  Thanks to a good talk with my friend, Lindsey, I do feel better.  But I would still love to take this negative self-talk and give it a roundhouse kick to the face.

On a better note, I kicked ass on the elliptical for an hour today!  (Bet you never thought you'd hear about an ass-kicking and elliptical machine in the same sentence... but that thing can actually give you a pretty hard workout if you use it the right way!)  Even though I don't feel awesome about myself today, I am in good shape and still working hard at it.  To me, that is a victory.

Food

I love food.

If you know me, you know this about me.  I especially love sweet foods, and at times feel like a bottomless pit that could never get tired of candy and baked goods, if I let myself eat them all day every day.

And the fact that I love food--I have decided--is not a flaw about me.  I have long thought it was.  I tend to eat more than the average woman, and though I am also much taller than the average woman, I have always felt shame about this.  I should be more dainty in my eating habits, I should leave more food on my plate, etc.  That although I'm six feet tall, I should be eating for a 5'4'' frame.

I have discovered that I am recovering from disordered eating.  Not from an eating disorder, no.  But from a few good years of using food as a source of comfort, almost treating it like a friend.  Until this past May, it wasn't unusual for me to go out of my way for a Zaxby's milkshake, Chick Fil A breakfast, or order pizza in by myself (among other things-- these are just a few).  Every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  Breaking those habits was one of the hardest things I've done, and though I see nothing wrong with the occasional fast food, I was doing it too often.

When people talk about the term "comfort food," they usually mean something such as ice cream, or warm baked chocolate chip cookies with milk, or cornbread and bean stew.  Something to remind them of a simpler, happier time.  Something that brings them comfort.  For me, all food is comfort food.  Had a bad day?  Let's eat.  Had a good day?  Let's eat.  Had an ok day?  Let's eat again.  It doesn't matter the occasion, the emotion, or the people I'm with.  Food brings me comfort.  Of course, certain foods do this more than others, but I simply love eating.

So.  For the past four months, I have been re-wiring the way I think about food.  I still LOVE food.  That will never change.  But even just the little things.  Going to coffee with friends does not mean I need a scone with that coffee.  Going to the movies doesn't mean I should get popcorn and nachos with my diet coke.  Slowly it is becoming less of a conscious decision for me to not do these things.  And sometimes I still do them, and it's ok.  But I'm learning to enjoy things I love without always involving food with them.  That is a process.  One I'm still learning and may always be learning.

It is difficult at times, but also incredibly freeing.

Sorry for the scattered thoughts on the subject.  And thanks to my friend, Lindsey, for listening when I was sorting through some of these thoughts.

Transforming Myself for the Better

All right, I'm back and after only a day!

Since I've started my journey toward being healthy, I've had a lot of people ask me just how I've done it.  I think maybe they expect to hear I've gone on some cleanse or extreme diet.  That there's some magic food or pill I've found that helped me drop the weight.

Honestly, the answer is simple and hard at the same time.  I've exercised a 5-6 days a week, and eaten intuitively.  I've done it the long, hard way.  In other words, instead of a crash diet that would have had me dropping this weight in half the time, I've worked very hard and ate healthily to get to where I am.  Because I've crash dieted in the past and failed, I knew that was something I didn't want to do.  I wanted this to be a true lifestyle change.  Not the ones you hear about on TV where "lifestyle change" barely even fits into your actual lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted to still be able to go out with friends and have a drink or a big meal and not beat myself up about it.  In other words, I have my cake and eat it too-- but I get up the next day and pick back up my healthy eating habits.  I don't allow it to be a daily occurrence like it once was.

For me this was not just about wanting to "look hot."  Sure, I want to look my best.  But my weight was giving me a myriad of health problems.  My lack of activity was beginning to rear its ugly head in the form of health problems no 26-year-old should be dealing with.  If this was as good as it was going to get, then I was going to be really depressed about life.  No, I want to feel young and healthy and energetic.  And I didn't.

I decided to go ahead and upload some photos.  I have some "before" ones, but honestly I still can't bring myself to let anyone see them.  I still feel like that girl... my self esteem hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me yet.  I'll get there.

This was taken in late June.  When I was first seeing results from my efforts.  I rewarded myself by getting a new workout outfit at Gap and of course, taking a selfie in the dressing room mirror. 

Swimming with my sister.  This is just from a few days ago.  I felt so good! 

See?  I do eat sweets sometimes!  This was from Kilwin's-- I can't remember what it was called but it had milk chocolate, pecans, and caramel.  I also had fro-yo right after.  Delish. 

From dinner on that same night- a mojito.  Again, I like to indulge sometimes! 

And from today.  My wardrobe has basically gone down to nothing so I had to go to Target for some affordable clothes.  Sad that I now have a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear, but I'm excited about starting to build a new one! 

And I decided to fancy it up on Instagram with a filter and border.  Makes my life look so whimsical, doesn't it!  Less classy though when you realize it's a selfie in the Target dressing room.  And I bought both of the above outfits.

I don't usually let a month go by without posting anything here.  I haven't really had a whole lot to say. I've been busy with working and living life.  Doing a lot of thinking, taking care of myself.

I feel like I'm in the best place I've been in a long time-- maybe ever.  I feel better than I've ever felt.  I've made strides I didn't think I could make.

I've kept up with my walking all summer.  This week I changed it to running, and amazed myself by running a mile straight-- two different days.  It doesn't sound like much but for me, it is.  I know that the extra weight I was carrying was holding me back from being able to do that.  Something that I thought would be impossible a few months ago I have been able to do, and it wasn't even that hard.  I'm already starting to think about possible 5k runs.  This would never have been the case three months ago!

And another new activity I've added this week: swimming.  I love it!  My sister Hannah is training for a light triathlon and asked me if I would want to swim with her to help keep her motivated.  Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it, plus it's great exercise!  I've been needing something new for awhile now.  Variation keeps me from getting bored, and makes me love being active!

So I'm celebrating small victories this week.  I think the small victories really are the biggest ones.  They have come when I've least expected them, and resulted from a lot of hard work.

Health Tips

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional at this and realize that different methods work for different people.  This is just from my own experiences with my health, and I thought that it might help someone else as well.  Because none of us are perfect and I'm gonna be real with you about my health and my choices (because sometimes, you just gotta enjoy a really good cheeseburger!).

So, as I've been changing up my diet and lifestyle I've definitely been finding ways to do it and ways to not do it.

Of course in the past, I've talked about how controlling I've been before with my diet once I start focusing on that.  So controlling I reach the point of being malnourished and starving, and end up completely falling off the wagon with one binge.  So, what's been different this time around?  I thought I'd put together a list of the things I've found helpful that work for me.

First of all, not thinking of this as a diet.  In fact, there are no foods that are off limits for me.  Sometimes I even have a lot of the food most would consider "bad" (I don't like to think of any food as bad-- if it tastes good and I enjoy it, just because it isn't the healthiest doesn't mean it's bad).  Once I start thinking like that, the days that I don't eat those foods become easier.  Saying no becomes easier, because I know that in a few days at dinner with friends or at a family function, I will get to enjoy something I really want.

Walking has become a great form of exercise for me.  I started out walking because I wanted to start running.  I knew I was nowhere near enough in shape for running, so I would walk first and build up.  As time went by, however, I realized how much I truly enjoy my walks.  And how much I completely hate running.  So why make myself miserable by trying to cave to the pressure of being a runner (I've always felt like running is the hippest, most acceptable form of exercise, and all other exercise is inferior).  Ok, so walking longer distances takes longer than running them.  But I've found that it really makes me slow down and have time to myself that is totally uninterrupted.

Ok, so as a former fast food junkie and junk food lover, how have I found healthy foods that taste good?  Well, I simply eat the things I like that are healthy.  Keeping a dozen boiled eggs in the fridge, bananas and natural peanut butter, apples, as well as other healthy snacks on hand is helpful.  I find that cutting portions significantly doesn't work for me.  I'll always go back for more, and end up eating more than if I would just take what I want at the time.

And another thing?  I don't worry about fat content in food.  I'm not saying I just eat tons of high fat foods, but I think one of the biggest failures in the past for me was trying to cut fat out almost completely.  Talk about never feeling satisfied.

I think the number one thing I have done that has helped me the most is cutting out almost all processed, white carbs and sugar from my diet.  Believe me when I say I was eating a lot of that crap every day.  Lots of times every day.  Once I cut those from my diet, one of the first things I noticed was that I wasn't bloated anymore.  I didn't realize how much that stuff was wreaking havoc on my system.  Sometimes I still have some, but again-- not every day.

So those are my helpful tips when going healthy.  At least it's what works for me.  Different things work for different people.  I know some people can't allow themselves access to any of their favorite foods at all.  Some people have to have a little cheat food every day.  It's different for everyone, but I thought I'd just share the things I've learned and adapted to my own lifestyle in the past several weeks.

I have lost about 16 pounds so far, but honestly the best thing I've gotten out of this is how good I am feeling.  Of course, I've dealt with people making rude comments.  But the energy that I now have is the best thing I could ask for.  And that isn't to say I don't have bad days.  I had one last week, as you know if you follow my blog.  But overall I feel like my health and well-being has done a 180 and that feels good.

Day three and going strong!  I woke up yesterday morning and decided why not go to the beach and walk?  I live 15 minutes away and rarely take advantage of that opportunity.  Though I didn't wake up early enough to see the sunrise, morning is still the most beautiful time because of the east-facing coast.  I went again today.  Baby steps... that's what it is.  I bought a Jillian work-out dvd on the way home.  Not her super intense 30-day shred, but a milder one.  I only made it about half-way through.  So I decided if that's all I could do, it's better than I was doing before.  I'll just slowly work my way up.

I'm still watching Olympics... though not as much as before.  Most of the sports playing now aren't really my favorite.  Has anyone watched synchronized swimming?  I don't doubt that those ladies are in super excellent shape... but it is kind of funny.  And I wonder how it got to be an Olympic sport?  Maybe people said that about figure skating once upon a time... but the synchronized swimmers make it so funny that you can hardly take them seriously.  Anyway, they're doing better than I am, I guess, so who am I to criticize?

I'm feeling better today and determined to keep this up.  And on that note, I still think I look pretty awesome despite what I was told a few nights ago.  I just want to look awesome-er as well as feel awesome-er!

Change- It Starts with Action

I got canceled at work tonight, so I decided that I needed to go on a grocery trip.  It was a somewhat pricey one, and I need to figure out how to shop a little smarter in the future.  It was overwhelming enough tonight simply trying to find only healthy foods that I can stomach.  My grocery shopping habits tend to be, "What looks good?  Ok, I'll buy that today."  So today I mostly bought fresh, and the only meat I got was turkey for sandwiches for work.

Tonight as I was shopping I was looking for quinoa.  I texted my sister Hannah (in a nutrition program at college) and asked her where I could even find quinoa.  Then told her I bet she thought I'd never ask that.  She has already offered to help me with anything that is healthy and good for me-- already explaining that quinoa is high in protein and iron, low in sodium, and works as a substitute for rice.  Maybe Hannah can specialize in making healthy food that normal people like to eat-- I'd be a good guinea pig for stuff like that!

Weight Watchers online is actually an incredibly great resource.  It has gotten a lot better since I did it three years ago!  If anyone wants to join me... I'd love to have a partner to hold me accountable!

I have come up with my weight goal, but decided that if I reach a point where I love the way I look and feel, I will simply go to maintaining.  I really don't want to be a tiny, skinny thing.  Mostly I just want to be toned but keeping my curves... we'll see.  I doubt one can really have the best of both worlds.

I know it's the first day... and that when you first decide to do something you can quickly lose motivation.  Right now I'm determined that no one else will make a rude comment regarding my weight again.  But I know it's about more than that.  That was something that made me realize that I wasn't taking care of myself, and it's starting to show.  I don't want to give up on this.  It's something I'm doing for me, and no one else

Wish me luck!

Change

At work last night a very blunt co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you gaining weight?  You look like you are gaining weight."

I have joined weight watchers again.  It hit me when I looked in the mirror... though I don't want to be skinny, I am not the healthy woman that I once was.  I am determined to take better care of myself.  I have accepted that I am the over-looked, chubby but still confident girl, and I won't do that anymore.

I realize I've said a lot of stuff about accepting myself and loving myself and that is still true for me.  I still look in the mirror and see something that I like, but I know that it just isn't the best I can be when I am not healthy.

I am posting this so that I am accountable.  I want to continue to love myself but to do it better.  I have been doing myself a disservice for the rest of my life by not taking care of my health.  That ends today.  I know it won't be perfect.  I know I work nights, and it's going to be extra hard because of that.

I've seen dieting done the wrong way.  I have never watched somebody diet and exercise the right way.  Not once.  With great fear I am starting this, because I don't want to become somebody who is obsessed and preoccupied with food.  I want to be the best Nat that I can be.

The thing is, I'm still within the healthy weight range... but pushing the limits and I'm ready to change that.  Ready to look my best and feel my best.