I couldn't put my finger on why. It's like a thousand different things that are bothering me and stressing me out. I'm stressed about changes coming. I'm worried about finances. I'm afraid everything won't come together. I'm nervous about an event coming up tomorrow. I'm fat and disgusting.
Wait.... what?!
How did that creep in? I'm sitting here worrying about all these legitimately stressful things, and suddenly I find myself running my hands over my stomach, wishing it were thinner. I suddenly felt angry that I ate frozen yogurt after supper, and two small pieces of banana bread just now for a late night snack.
It took me awhile to even figure out that I was taking the stress in my life and turning it into body hatred. Using it to cut myself down for no good reason at all. And doing it completely subconsciously without even realizing it. How many times have I done this before and never figured it out?
I have yet to figure out if it's really my self-esteem that's at fault here tonight, or the stress of life. But they seem to be working together really well to keep me feeling pretty lousy for now. Thanks to a good talk with my friend, Lindsey, I do feel better. But I would still love to take this negative self-talk and give it a roundhouse kick to the face.
On a better note, I kicked ass on the elliptical for an hour today! (Bet you never thought you'd hear about an ass-kicking and elliptical machine in the same sentence... but that thing can actually give you a pretty hard workout if you use it the right way!) Even though I don't feel awesome about myself today, I am in good shape and still working hard at it. To me, that is a victory.
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