Biking Blues

Post long bike ride... I am always amazed at the all-day hunger that ensues!  It seems no amount of food completely satiates me on these days.  It's difficult to justify eating all day long, even with the amount of activity I'm doing and yes, even if it's healthy food.  Of course I don't literally eat all day, but every few hours is quite often for most people.

Biking just isn't my strength, which I think is part of it.  It is so incredibly taxing for me.  I keep waiting for some sort of break-through, where I'll kill a ride and be a total badass doing it.  But mostly I just feel like I'm struggling through every ride, and I can't figure out why.  My nutrition both before and during is pretty on-point.  I have been training now for twelve weeks (crazy right?!) and spent the entire winter in high-intensity spinning classes 2-3 days a week to prepare myself so I wouldn't start biking season with weak legs.

I'm a fairly decent swimmer, especially for someone who has never swam competitively.  I have cut my swim times to probably 2/3 of what they were before last fall.  My running pace has improved, as well as my endurance.  What gives with the bike?  I can't figure out if maybe it's mostly my attitude (which has been incredibly discouraged) or my legs just aren't biking legs.  I don't know.  I'm strong, I have muscular legs, and cardiovascular-wise I am very in shape.

I'm trying not to be discouraged by this.  I know I have been giving it my all, especially given the schedule I work.  Being on night shift is one of the hardest things to do when you're trying to train for something like this.  Add to it the long runs of 12-hour nights, trying to squeeze workouts in between, running (literally) on very little sleep... it's been really tough.  I've made many sacrifices to do this, and I shouldn't downplay that.  I've worked damn hard and I will own that.  But I am still frustrated with the biking.  Perhaps next week I will be back with a better report there?  That big break-through I'm hoping for?  ;)

After this week, I will no longer be a night nurse.


After five years of working night shift, I am finally making the transition back to days.  I started on nights when I was still a pretty new nurse.  I was young-- 23--and my body made the transition fairly well.  With the exception of a sleepless night here and there, life on nights was pretty awesome for awhile.  In fact, I was sleeping more than I ever had before and I was loving it.


Toward the end of 2014, anxiety and depression weaseled its way into my life, manifesting in extreme insomnia.  Although the anxiety/depression somewhat dissipated, the insomnia never went away.  For a year and a half I lived on restless, broken-up nights and days of sleep.  Never getting more than 3-4 hours at a time, 5 if it was a good night.  The very occasional long night of sleep was never enough to make up for it.  I was on my way to a nervous breakdown if I didn't do something soon.  I describe it as feeling constantly on edge.  Anxious when I went to sleep because I was afraid I wouldn't sleep well.  Anxious when I was awake because I was so beyond exhausted I could barely function.  I was miserable.


I finally caved a couple of months ago and went to the doctor to be put on something to help me sleep.  Nothing strong, but I had tried everything in the book up until that point.  That first night I woke up after eight full hours of sleep was heavenly... I remember feeling better than I had felt in over a year.  Finally I had to make the decision that it's best for my health that I go back to day shift.  Even though I'm now sleeping well at nighttime, in between shifts is still iffy.


I can't do it anymore.  I can't manage switching back and forth.  Even while my sleep is better than it was, I want to feel better all the time, and not just on my days off when I'm on a "day schedule."  I'm tired of trying to stay up late the night before work, getting in a good nap the next day, and then trying to keep myself awake all night that first night back.  I'm tired of having low energy.  It is a tired that cannot be explained.  It is being drained of all energy, legs heavy.


I've known for at least six or seven months that this switch was coming.  I am nervous to make the switch, nervous for a faster-paced environment in a facility in which I am still new.  Here's to new change, and hoping that it will be for the best!

This recent study published in the New York Times caught my attention recently.  It reveals the slowed metabolisms of the contestants of Biggest Loser and how their bodies fight to go back to their previous weight.  I know that it has been known for a long time that our bodies have a "set point" which is extremely difficult to lower.

Then today, I saw this clip from the Today Show in which they interviewed Bob Harper.  It disgusted me... to be honest, it's almost triggering for me in my own disordered eating mindset I have lived in for so long.  Most of all at the end, this promotion of intermittent fasting.  Hey, wake up, starve yourself until lunch.  Sounds like a great idea.  His response to peoples' metabolism slowing down with weight loss?  "If you skip one meal, you could be offsetting that easily."  And his last comment, "Starchy carbs, sugar, is not a part of my diet, and it shouldn't be a part of yours."  Just... no.

I get it.  This has been what his entire career has been built on.  Weight loss through extreme diet and exercise.  He's not going to go on this show and say, "We did Biggest Loser all wrong!  I take it all back!"

I just cringe at the thought of the millions of people, overweight or not, who will watch this and instantly feel shame, guilt, and more over their own exercise and eating regimen.  Young people who might already be on the brink of eating disorders... people who are already in the throes of raging eating disorders... people who are already living a healthy, fit lifestyle, whose bodies may have settled comfortably into a weight that might not be considered lean and toned.  Bullshit like this can throw people into extremely unhealthy habits that start into a cycle of under-eating, restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.  I know, because I have been there and so have many others!  All the willpower in the world cannot prevent this cycle once it is in motion.

It's just scary to me that lifestyles like this are being promoted as healthy.  That we look up to people like Bob Harper.  I believe he means well.  He follows his own advice he doles out to people, which I suppose I have to give him some credit for, but that doesn't mean it's well-advised or healthy.  That doesn't mean this lifestyle fits in for the everyday person.  But the thing is-- he is nothing more than a celebrity with certifications in personal training.  He is not a dietitian, he does not have a degree, he is not a scientist.  Sadly, however, most Americans will continue to buy into this kind of bullshit sold by not only Bob Harper, but trainers and "fitness professionals" alike.

It really breaks my heart.

On a somewhat slow night at work last night, I took some time and read through some of my old blog posts on here.  I forgot how faithful I was blogging several times a week once upon a time.  My life was obviously much less busy in those days, but I got to thinking about how much I really miss blogging.  I don't keep a journal anymore, and I don't blog.  But I would really like to get back to updating this more regularly, and about more than just my work and training life.

I am such a different person today than I was when I started keeping up with this blog.  In the past two and a half years I have really grown into myself.  And because I haven't really kept up with writing down my thoughts throughout that time, so much of the process seems to be lost on me.  It's like, yes--travel nursing and moving across the country, seeing all kinds of new places, meeting all kinds of people, living independently-- it has changed me.  But when it comes to putting it into words for other people to understand?  I am at a loss.

I think about the beginning of my time as a travel nurse.  Driving across the country with my best friend, all of our stuff packed to the ceiling in my little Corolla.  That feeling of being both scared and excited at the same time, not knowing what was in store.  The loneliness that ensued for the next three months in California, the stress of the job assignment, the homesickness for familiarity.  The exploration of new cities week after week.  The boredom that came most days because we worked opposite schedules and the truth is, travel nursing is a lot less glamorous than it looks from the outside (as most things are).

Driving from California to Washington, the place I would eventually call home, though I didn't know it at the time.  I thought travel nursing was going to be an indefinite thing.  I thought maybe I'd take an assignment in Seattle, or start making my way back east by taking assignments in places like St. Louis or Cleveland.  

And in that time thinking I had met the man I would marry... putting a halt to my travels for him (at times I regret this decision, wondering where life would have taken me--although I don't dwell on it).  In that time experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows, feeling directionless, lonely, and hateful.

The saddest part of it all is I have become so disconnected from my life back home.  It isn't that I wanted to be disconnected, but that's what happens when one picks up and moves across the country. When your parents don't travel, and most of your friends save a few lose touch with you and you lose touch with them, everything you knew suddenly seems so far away.  And then you begin to question your entire belief system, something your entire life once revolved around.  Which has perhaps been the most alienating part of it all.

I'd like to get back to blogging regularly, regardless of whether or not anyone reads it.  I am resolving to sit down and write at least once or twice a week at the minimum.  So here goes nothing!

The Beat Goes On

The rhythm of life drums on the same day in and day out.  My life is pretty much consumed with working, training, eating, and sleeping.  I don't do much else right now.  Training has returned to being a bit more enjoyable, my bike rides less burdensome than before.  I still have fear on the roads with traffic, and at times I am a bit held back by this.  But I'm no longer worried about race day and whether or not I will finish the ride in time.  What will be is what will be.

Right now I'm very focused on my nutrition and listening to my body.

As for my nutrition, I have been working with a dietitian to help me with my daily intake as well as my sports nutrition around my workouts.  Having never trained for anything at this kind of intensity before, I felt I was sort of spinning my wheels in that department.  I wish I had reached out earlier for help, but seeing how I will be training for a marathon starting as soon as my triathlon is done, I thought it was wise.  So far it has been so helpful, and I look forward to making progress in that area.

Learning to listen to my body is hard.  You want to get in the necessary training sessions, but not push yourself to the point of injury.  I trained through a nagging Achilles issue last week, and as soon as I finished my 12-mile run on Thursday I knew I probably should not have done that.  I have issues with training through pain when I shouldn't.  So this morning before my workout, I promised myself that if I started my run and felt the pain, I would stop.

I swam my sprint intervals and felt great.  So I changed into my running clothes, excited to start my run.  And I felt it... just barely.  But the twinge of pain told me that if I kept running on it, it wasn't going to just get better as the run went on.  So I turned around and decided to go to bed early.  A little extra rest never hurt anyone, and it's better to be safe than sorry.  Even as I walked into my apartment, my mind was yelling at me to get back out there and finish that workout, dammit!  But I knew I was doing the right thing for my body.

It may seem silly that it's so hard to do this, but when you're in training and wanting to prepare your body for the stress of a race, it's actually a lot harder to skip workouts than you might think, regardless of how you feel.  I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and holding back when I knew it needed a little more rest.  I will plan on doing that run tomorrow.

I am not going to lie.  I look forward to June 26, not only because I am excited to race, but I am also going to be ready to have my life back.  Will I do another 70.3 next year?  I don't know.  I think if I actually enjoy the race itself, I might.  I know training for a marathon will be no easy feat either, but my training plan for that incorporates 2 rest days plus 1 cross-training day each week.  And on top of that, I simply enjoy running more than swimming or biking.

Well, perhaps I shall be back on here to write something besides triathlon talk.  Once my life gets back to "normal," that might be the case!