joy and pain

It's the end of 2011. It is time to reflect on the past year.

One year ago today, this is what I said. I wanted a better year, with very little hope that it would be so.

January: I started the year with the memory of my Grandpa so fresh and painful. I moved to night shift. This was one of the best moves in my job that I could have made for my sanity. I did find that it was a better situation, although at times it still seems as bad as day shift was. I took my last trip to Disney World with my annual pass. It seems odd that almost a year has gone by since I went there last, after a year full of trips to Magic Kingdom.

February: This month in my memory stands out as little more than one in which I was sad. I was letting go of friendships, learning that my grandmother's illness was one she could probably not overcome, and just one in which very little happened.

March: I flew up to St. Louis on the 1st of the month to visit my sister, Melissa, as well as to see my grandma. During this visit, she seemed to be improved and in better spirits, giving us hope. We moved her furniture into a cute assisted living facility, preparing her for a new and different life. It was toward the end of my time there that she took a turn for the worst, and before I knew it my parents, siblings, and all of my cousins were flying in for us to say our last goodbyes to Grandma. She passed away on March 11, 2011. I remember March as a very dark month for me and my family, for more reasons than one, but Grandma's death was one that was devastating.

April: Another uneventful month except for a trip up north once again for Grandma's memorial service. This month I began reconnecting with an old friend, Amanda, who was a great comfort through a very grievous time.

May: I went to a Josh Turner concert with my sister, Hannah. It was an awesome time! We also had a Memorial Day picnic with my church.

June: I bought my first car! One of the biggest events of my year. I still love it! I turned 24 on this month, as well, which I let pass with very little ceremony as I was depressed and didn't feel a birthday seemed all that important; I certainly didn't feel like I was important enough for anyone to celebrate. I worked crafts at VBS with my mom and Mrs. Kercher, taking off twelve days of work just for the heck of it. It was my first staycation ever, and I loved it.

July: I spent the 4th with my family as well as my Kercher family, which was fun. I took a trip into the archives of my past and was camp nurse at Southland student conferences at Camp Kulaqua. This was a blast, one of the highlights of my entire year. After that I took 15 days off to go up north and visit family for a huge family reunion. This was a wonderful, relaxing time.

August: One of the most uneventful months of the year. (it always is, isn't it?) I honestly can't remember one thing about August. I say, oh well.

September: Much of this month I spent helping Lauren with wedding stuff. On September 24, she and Brennan got married, and I got to stand second in line as a bridesmaid. Two nights before, I hosted her bachelorette party. Hosting is not my forte, but I think it was a hit and we all had fun. The wedding itself was a blast.

October: I took a fun trip to Washington, DC, with my mom, sister and brother, and Mrs. Kercher. What fun! The day after returning, I decided to move out of the town house and within 12 hours was out of there. It was probably one of the best decisions I made.

November: My friend, Lindsey, was in Tampa visiting so I drove down to hang out with her for a few days. This was a blast! We spent a day in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios, which renewed my love for Harry Potter once again. It was fun. Thanksgiving was spent at my parents' house with the Kerchers and Warrens. Of course an epic Black Friday followed.

December: I don't suppose there is anything to say about December that you haven't read in the past couple of weeks. My time with family was special. I will say that forgiveness has been something that has come out of this month for me.

Though this year has not ended on much of a happy note, and no loose ends are tied, I feel much more at peace today than I did a year ago. And this isn't even to say that 2011 was an entirely sucky year. It was a year of both joy and pain. It is often easy to only remember the pain, but just sitting down to recount the bigger events of the past year is special for me. There has been good in this year. The beauty of life is in both the joy and the heartache. It is the reality of our world--the brokenness of mankind. I leave behind 2011 feeling very let down by people in my life. But this reminds me of just who I need to turn to, One who will never let me down. I'm too quick to forget.

2012: What will I have to say about you a year from now? 2011 flew by at an alarming pace, and so much has happened. I begin 2012 with hope.

I am home from a wonderful trip up to see family. Immediately after work on Saturday, I went to the airport to fly to St. Louis. It was wonderful to walk into my aunt and uncle's house and be greeted by familiarity and the ones I love. Christmas Day was wonderful, complete with my cousin Matt and his wife, Susan with their little girl Theresa (it wasn't long before "Santa Claus" came for a visit!") My other aunt and uncle visited for the afternoon as well, along with my cousin Jonathan. Wonderful, wonderful to see him!! He is doing so well, defied the odds we didn't know if he would beat.

We spent a few nights in the country at my grandparents' house. About 58 people were present, with 25 missing. Very wonderful to be with all of them. Our last night we played the game "Would You Rather?" making my Grandma read off the cards. She is hilarious, and it was one of the best nights of laughter I've ever had.

More and more I see the importance of family-- imperfections and all. I have struggled recently with the changes we are experiencing, the issues of transitioning from child to adult family relationships, among other things. My heart has filled with peace and forgiveness this week, that my burden is lighter and my outlook so much brighter. I realized that it is what it is, it was what it was, and I can make choices to be something else... that I am not destined to a life of bitterness and anger. Nobody or nothing can make me bitter or angry without my allowing for it to be so. What a freeing thought!

Happy New Year! I wonder what 2012 will bring?

Christmas Week

It is almost here! Christmas Day is one week from today. I love Christmas. My name means Christmas child, and I've always thought it quite an appropriate name for myself.

I work tomorrow night, then on Tuesday night my family and I are going to see Michael W. Smith's Christmas concert. I'm so excited about this- what a way to kick off the Christmas week. Saturday after work I will fly up to be with my family for Christmas. I'm very excited.

Melissa visited until Tuesday of this past week. It was a lot of fun! We were all together for the first time since this summer.

Last night the police and fire department gave us a Christmas treat- a parade through our neighborhood with their trucks decked out in Christmas lights, complete with Santa Claus. It really felt like Christmas, with all of them shouting out holiday greetings to us.

Merry Christmas!

A pleasant morning...

I'm home from what was an amazingly easy, slow, pleasant night at work. That never happens. Not. Ever.

Melissa came home for a visit yesterday, and will be here until Tuesday. I'm off until Wednesday. Even though I just worked every other night for the past week (and let me tell you, that's a lot harder than it sounds!), it's ok because this will be a good week.

When I drove home from work yesterday morning, the weather was warm and muggy. When I drove to work last night, it had cooled down to the 50s. This morning, in the low 40s. I'm SO GLAD the weather is cool!

I'm so happy it is Christmastime. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. It doesn't mean things are perfect, because they are far from it. But for once, life feels like it has settled just a little bit.

After 11 months on night shift, I finally invested in one of these!!! It has settings specifically for relaxing, or sleeping, or renewing. I mainly got it for sleeping, but I'm sure I will be able to use it on those days where work has its grip on me in the form of stressing and tension headaches. Going along with what I wrote last week regarding well-being, this is one of the ways I am going to take care of myself-- actually getting a good night's (or day's) sleep and relaxing.

"The Friends"

Ok, the reason for this is not the cheesy slideshow in the video, but because I really love any and all Harry Potter scores (and this song in particular). It played in the Three Broomsticks at the wizarding world of Harry Potter while Allison, Lindsey, and I sat enjoying our lunches a couple weeks ago. And so now when I hear it, I think of those fun times.

Look, it's Hogwarts!

The Gryffindor and the Ravenclaw- always getting along.

Gryffindor, ever suspicious of the Slytherin.

Enjoying a lovely butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks.

Ravenclaw, Slytherin, and Gryffindor.
The Friends.

That day was an awesomely fun one at that. It seems my friends have often been scattered far, with only a couple of exceptions. And so those moments of laughter, comaraderie, and fun are often too far and few between for me.