I finished my last day on orientation today. On Sunday I will be a real live nurse. Not that I haven't been, but to me it's official this week. I am so excited about the awesome team I work with on the floor. Everyone is so good about reminding me that I'm never alone, and that I can always go to them for help. There is no one I feel as though I could not go to for help. They are all awesome. I am so nervous too, because I feel as though I'm quite incompetent. But I am going to do my best, and ask questions when I don't know. It's how you learn.

I'm exhausted after the last several days. My back was killing me all day yesterday! I thought I was beginning to get used to the physical aspect of it all. Yeah right, because I feel like I just ran a marathon.

2010 is almost here. It didn't occur to me until a few days ago that the end of the first decade of the 21st century is here. ??? When did that happen? I still have very vivid and distinct memories of making videos and saying "Welcome to the triple-o's!" with my cousins 10 years ago. 10 years ago?! Allison, you will likely appreciate this memory. I guess I don't really want to get all sentimental, but it just seems really hard to believe.

2009- the year I graduated and became a nurse. I will always remember that for sure. Whether or not I will regret that remains yet to be seen... no, I kid.

Happy New Year!

I have heard people talk about day-after-Christmas depression, but never really experienced it. However, today I have been experiencing it for the first time. Waking up after spending two nights at the Kerchers' (which was a blast, and I'll tell you all about it), getting in the car to find that the Christmas station has resumed its usual boring music broadcast, getting coffee at Starbucks in a red cup knowing that Christmas is over. I've never really felt this way on December 26. Usually I would be driving to my other grandparents' house, looking forward to party #2 complete with gift exchanges, chili contests, and eating fluff and drinking apple punch. But that's not now, and I need to accept this today for what it is.

I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas night at the Kerchers'. It was actually really exciting, because I have never had Christmas morning stockings before. We all got into our stockings first thing in the morning (and Mrs. Kercher goes all out with stockings), followed by a delicious Christmas breakfast made by Mrs. Kercher. After cleaning up the kitchen we sat around the tree for an hour opening presents. It was so much fun, and really just like being with family. The Warrens joined us for lunch, and we ended the day decorating gingerbread houses and watching Elf. It was a great day, and I couldn't have asked for more if I couldn't be with my family. The Kerchers have grown to be my second family over the years. Mrs. Kercher is my second mother, Mr. Kercher my second dad.

I watched Julie and Julia today, and it was very cute. I did some google research however and found that Julia Child actually was very unimpressed with the real Julie (and so am I after what I read about her)- and the movie itself even addresses this. While I'm on the subject, Julia Child was a very interesting person. She was not allowed into the Navy or the Women's Army Corps because she was too tall- 6'2''. So she joined the OSS- Office of Strategic Services as something like a spy. She didn't get married until she was 34, and did not even begin her career as a French cook until her 40s. Which goes to show that not everyone finds their niche (or their husband for that matter) early in life. She has a pretty neat story I think, not to mention I feel a little connection with her being a tall woman myself. The best part of the movie is when it shows her and her sister running to meet each other in Paris, and they are contrasted by all the short people around them. It made me laugh because sometimes I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb in crowds.

Loneliness has been somewhat the name of the game this week, though not entirely since I did have an awesome Christmas. Some things that have helped ease the loneliness: hanging out with Allison and Sarah, the Kerchers (of course!), watching the Office, Lord of the Rings soundtracks, and Ben and Jerry's: Steven Colbert's Americone Dream. I now have the next few days of work ahead of me, and the busyness of that will keep my mind off things as well.

And so, yes, today is a bit of a depressing day. It occurred to me the other day sitting in Starbucks as I was feeling very sorry for myself, that everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives. Did I think that being out of school, or having a job, or having more friends, or simply being a "grown up" didn't come with it all- happiness, sadness, joy, elation, depression, anger, sadness, community-ness (is that a word- or emotion? I just made it one), loneliness, and sometimes all of these emotions mixed up together? I seem to have had this false perception that perhaps something was wrong with me that I've been feeling this way lately-- and not just the last few weeks, but months as well. I have probably watched too much Disney and way too many chick flicks. I'm sure that even after Cinderella found Prince Charming, she still had PMS. Anyway, I digress. I think I'm just learning that life is very complicated, never the same, always varying, not always good, and very ordinary.

Anyways, I'm writing everything as I think of it and I need to stop.

I have had a fairly good two days of work so far this week. On my second of two days off, and have gotten some good rest. I went shopping yesterday with Hannah, and we had an adventure! It ended with us being towed home, but thankfully my dad was there to save the day and we did get a good three hours of shopping done. I have been craving the hustle and bustle of shopping malls lately (very odd because I usually hate the mall). Anyway, yesterday was a good (if crazy) day. I tried to go to bed at 9:00 but it wasn't to be done. Ended up being up until 12:30 instead.

The weather is so nice lately! It is such a crisp, cool feeling outside. I hope that it stays that way since I have to be here for Christmas. How depressing to have a hot Christmas. Florida is so stupid. What is not depressing is that I will be with the Kerchers for Christmas Eve and Day, and that is basically like being with family. I will be a guest, but they are so close that I will be able to relax and enjoy myself, not feeling like I'm imposing. I need to buy them all something, what should I get? Allison had the idea of buying international beer for Mr. Kercher, so I will do that, but I need to think of something for Mrs. Any ideas?

I have a whole day ahead of me! What should I do? Oh!!! I have a great idea to go to ICE! at Gaylord Palms sometime. I think that sounds so fun! It's only until January 3. So at some point over break I want to do that. And I keep calling Christmas a break, but I'm not in school anymore. I also still find myself thinking of the year in terms of "fall semester" and "spring semester." Gotta get out of that mindset now!

Well, off to conquer the day! What's to be conquered, I don't know. Perhaps just conquering boredom.

A few noteables for my list of life's goals:

See the Northern Lights (no joke! how cool would that be?)
Spend a summer traveling
Don't let stress control my life (working on that one now!)

I'm realizing how seldom I really live life. I go through each day, whether it's at work wishing that 7 pm would just get here, or spent at home just doing nothing. I don't know if doing something as fantastic as traveling in Europe really counts as living life, but as for truly enjoying life I think it definitely counts. Interestingly enough, I recently received a lecture from an old friend about how foolish it is to have these aspirations for life. ?? ...ok. I didn't realize that was wrong.

I talked with Allison tonight about life and stress. And how we have absolutely no outlet. I feel as though each day is so bleak and difficult. I don't really know if I'm struggling with depression, but I know that is definitely an emotion I have been feeling. Some days are great, but others are just awful. And it doesn't always have to be triggered by anything. *sigh* I feel as though I am always waiting for something amazing to happen, for life to suddenly be good. I don't really know what it is I'm waiting for, but my life feels like I'm just... in limbo. The Wood Between the Worlds, I believe, from Chronicles of Narnia. I feel as though I live my life waiting for a better time than this, and I don't even know what that is. I'm afraid I seem much happier than I am so much of the time.

Blowing off steam. Unfortunately this blog is one of the few outlets that I do have, and I'm sorry you even have to listen to this. Somehow it feels good to know somebody hears (or reads) it. Anyway, I need to be going because I'm off to work dark and early in the morning!

One year ago this is where I was at. On the days that I am feeling sorry for myself, I need to remember what God has already brought me through. Not that my experiences are the most difficult things that anyone has had to deal with, but just remembering His faithfulness in the past helps me trust for His faithfulness now and tomorrow. I have a hard time seeing beyond my circumstances right now, and understanding the big picture.

Tonight as I was driving to my brother's football game, I was thinking about it. If I were reading a book of my life a hundred years from now (haha what a comical thought, that would be an extremely boring book), I would probably have been wanting to yell "Just wait for it! You're going to get through it, you will not be a failure!" It's easy to look back and think that, and sometimes I wonder just how often God looks at us, maybe not so condescendingly, but just desiring for us to trust Him to get us through the circumstances. He knows the big picture, and I don't. Just looking back on the last six months, I can see how each and every thing fits in to the big picture of my life so far.

The Holidays are looking up for me. More and more I am looking forward to the new experiences of them, and hoping that they really will be wonderful. I think they will. Maybe it will be good to take a bit of a step back for Christmas instead of always being so caught up in my traditions, in having everything just right. We'll see!

Today I enjoyed the ultimate introvert's day. I slept in until 9 am after a three-in-a-row and took my time getting ready for church. Got Starbucks on the way over, and I actually only made it for Sunday school, the main reason being that I honestly didn't think I would be able to stay awake through a service. After coming home and eating lunch, I spent about three hours watching the Office (ahhh! I'm ashamed to say that I now like that show) in my room, followed by a trip to the movies all by myself to see New Moon (yes, again). It was a great day spent alone, and I am so refreshed after a stressful few days of work! I have never been to the movies alone, and actually found that it was a great experience. I always wait until someone asks me to go to the movies, and often don't really enjoy the experience because you aren't socializing anyway (plus, most people other than Allison can't stand any sort of comments during a movie). So now if there's a movie I want to see, well, I'll go see it!

Work is going well. I am beginning to see why there is such a high turn-over rate with floor nurses. It is not so much the labor aspect of it as it is the mental stress, the immense pressure on nurses. I don't know, it just really hit me this week one day after work that maybe I'm just not cut out for this. How am I ever going to be able to deal with this kind of stress indefinitely? It really scares me the kind of responsibility that I will have in a month on my own. School does not prepare you for that aspect of it at all.

So right now, life sucks and yet it's good at the same time. The free time I have is the best, work is generally good, but the weight of it is a lot. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with it. Others have done it before me, so I will learn to as well!

Holidays are coming fast!

Thanksgiving Week

I have spent an awesome week of no work, Thanksgiving, and Disney fun just relaxing and enjoying time with family. We spent Thanksgiving Day at the Warrens' with the Kerchers and everyone had a great time. The weather was cool for once, making it feel more like the Holidays were upon us. Early Friday morning Allison, Catherine, Hannah, and I trekked to the Town Center for some Black Friday shopping. I had forgotten how awful people can be, but it was still fun nonetheless. Friday evening we all had dinner at the Kerchers' as a second Thanksgiving celebration since Allison had to miss the first one. It felt like old times like always and was a lot of fun.

I took John to Disney World yesterday. It's something I promised him I would do over a year ago once I got my job, and I decided it was finally time to do it. It was a lot of fun. It's always neat to live the Disney experience through someone else who hasn't had it much. I have been many times by now and still love it just as much as the first time. We went to Magic Kingdom for the first 7 hours, then spent the rest of the day in Epcot. May I just say that Mission Space was probably the scariest ride of the day, even though it's not even scary. Do NOT go on this ride if you are claustrophobic in the slightest! I don't consider myself super claustrophobic, but I am a little, and I thought I would have a panic attack when I got in there. They even put that disclaimer up before you get on, and I kept thinking it wouldn't be that bad. Big mistake. Anyway, it was an awesome day. I can't wait until the next time I go back, which will hopefully be soon since I finally took the plunge and bought an annual pass! Happy day!

Now it's time to go home and face a three-in-a-row at work. That is so tough, and I hope I get through it ok. It probably doesn't really sound so bad, after all I had an entire week off because of it! But it's pretty tough for me. Maybe it won't seem so bad after having had a lot more time getting used to 12 hour days, which was the first hump to get over for me at the beginning. I feel as though the 12 hours doesn't seem as bad as it did two months ago (and have I really been working 2 months?!). So hopefully the next three days will go smoothly. Some days are really good, and then some days just suck for no reason. I feel like I can't get everything done, doctors are suddenly writing a thousand orders for all my patients, etc, etc.

Well, I'm sad to see the week end. I will post some pictures soon but for now, hope you all enjoy the rest of your week! Happy Holidays- they are here! :)

Happy Thanksgiving

Family. Friends. Job. Home. Sisters. Brother. Car. Great Christmas movies. Holidays. Freedom. Great food. Health.

Just a few things I am thankful for. I was thinking today how funny it is to get on facebook this time of year and everyone is getting so sentimental about what they are thankful for. Believe me, I'm always one of these sentimental people. But I should be thankful for these things all the time. It shouldn't take a holiday to make me be thankful. I suppose it's great we have that yearly reminder, but today and tomorrow and the rest of the year I should realize the blessings that I have. I may think I don't have much, but I do.

Thanksgiving today with the Kerchers and Warrens. I hope it is a great day! It looks like it will be, with lots of food to go around. Great people and great food make for an all around great day.

And thus begins the Holiday Season. Six weeks of parties, eating too much, being with people, and a lot of stress. Maybe this year I won't let it overwhelm me. Tomorrow I will go shopping dark and early. I have been perusing the ads to find which stores I want to stake out early.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I think having kids must be one of the best things ever. It's super stressful, I'm sure, but in so many ways you get to re-live your childhood. Thinking today how thankful I am to have had such a wonderful childhood. Something a lot of kids don't get. In some ways I fault this awesome childhood for my many disappointments in life, but in many ways I'd give anything to go back to the naive innocence of those days. A time when I trusted everyone. I always thought the best of people. Life was so full of excitement in the little things. I remember when having pizza made the best day ever.

The Holidays always make me think back on many wonderful Thanksgivings and Christmases past. I probably spend too much of my time trying to re-create those good times. It's hard for me to accept life as it is. I want the ideal. I want the Hollywood movie with Bing Crosby singing a Christmas song in the background to make everything better. I want all my problems solved in 30 minutes, just like it happens on TV. At the end of the day I want all the loose ends tied together to make everything complete, everything happy. And sometimes it happens that way. But I still have to get up the next day and face the same struggles, the same insecurities, fight the same battles.

I suppose I'm feeling more depressed than usual at the prospect of this potentially lonely Holiday Season. I know Thanksgiving will be awesome, spent with the Kerchers and the Warrens just like always. There's no threat of change there, but having no family gatherings to look forward to at Christmas is just really hard for me. I have never missed a Christmas with my family before. Knowing that the traditions of evening dinners at Grandma's, Christmas Eve/Day celebrations, and post-Christmas festivities will go on without me is tough to accept. And knowing that it might be like this from now on is even worse to accept. I don't know when I'll ever be allowed to have much holiday time off.

My apologies for this giant pity party. I am just blowing off steam, and I'm sure it won't all be as bad as I think. Who knows, maybe I can find a new tradition to start for myself and Allison? And I suppose that's something I can be thankful for, that Allison and I will get to spend some of the time together, even if it's very little. Maybe I'll have friends over and cook a huge meal. Or have a dessert-making day with friends. There is so much I could do instead of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not going to let it get me down when the time actually comes.

On the last day of a 3-day weekend. It has been awesome! After the 29th I will have a 4-day weekend. Hip hip hooray! I worked out yesterday and lifted weights for the first time in months... and ohh my goodness am I sore! I'm so out of shape! I used to lift so much more, and I was pretty disappointed to see how little I was able to lift. Well, you have to start somewhere. Unfortunately it's tough when you are in the midst a bunch of guys admiring their own pecs in the mirror... please. I think that most guys who weight-lift must be really insecure. Next time you go to the gym please take note of the height of most of them... they tend to be 5'6'' and below, with a few exceptions. I find myself laughing silently throughout most of my work-out watching them strut from one end of the gym to the other.

Well, I should be going. Since it's Thanksgiving week coming up, I'm going to close with something I'm thankful for. And today that would be having a job. Things have worked out so wonderfully with it. I'm thankful.

That time of year is on its way-- and I'm EXCITED! I'm already listening to Christmas music, looking forward to Thanksgiving, and thinking up ways to spend my Christmas holiday. I just love, LOVE this time of year. This year will be different for me, but I will try to enjoy it somehow. I was also thinking that maybe in January or February I will go up north- and I'll be more likely to see snow that time than if I were to go at Christmastime. Right now I don't really feel sorry for myself not being able to join the family for Christmas, but I do think that when it gets closer I will.

Work is really going well. I'm learning a lot, although there are still days I leave absolutely hating it. But I can at least go in and have a fresh start. I work tomorrow and then get a three day break. I think what is frustrating me is that I have been working all of these weekends, and feel as though it is interfering with a lot. I work the 4th and 5th, both the nights of the church Christmas dinner. Speaking of church, I haven't even been in more than three weeks. I wonder if there are churches in the area that have a Saturday or Sunday night service (that aren't Southern Baptist).

I've been struggling with being very lonely lately. Just lonely in general. It's difficult for me to reach out to people when I'm the one who is needy. I'd rather just curl up in bed and watch a sappy movie all alone than ask someone to listen to me. Lately I just feel as though I have no outlet. I feel as though I bottle up the stress, the frustrations, and everything else. I know this is sooo cheesy, but I always think of that song by Michael W. Smith, "Place in This World," and I feel like that is so much of what I'm feeling. (sorry, I know that's uber corny!) I mean, I just graduated college, I have reached a point in my life that I've worked toward for years! I'd think I would be so happy right now, but I'm not always feeling that way. Just struggling with the many disillusionments life has handed me in the past year. I know it's selfish because I'm so blessed. But at the same time, I don't want to have my feelings minimized. Because they are there, and they can really hurt sometimes.

Oh well, moving on. Life really is good, I'm just a big fat whiner.

I'm telling you, I have got to find a hobby on my days off. I'm definitely enjoying the free time, but I pretty much have nothing to do. Unfortunately I live in pretty much the most boring city in the U.S. so . . . not much to choose from.

I work for the next two days. I am actually looking forward to work (for the most part) and it gets a little bit better each week. It's still extremely stressful. There are still days I don't understand why I chose this. I thought I'd be on Easy Street after school-- HA! It seems I have much to learn. I suppose one of the perks is that I'm not spending my down time studying. I actually have down time.

Weight Watchers is going . . . ok. I have good days and bad days. I am sticking to it, but today is just one of those days where I want to choose to not care. I suppose it's also what you might call one of my fat days, which makes it even worse. I wonder why our minds do that-- one day we feel great, and the next we hit the lowest of lows.

Got my holiday schedule. It is pretty good. I don't work Christmas day (but I do work 2 days after it) or New Years Eve/New Years. That is a bonus! I will be able to party it up for New Years this year! For the first time ever, really. I also will have some good chunks of time off, but not at the right times for me to be able to travel up north. I have a 4 day chunk, 3 day chunk, and then another 2 days. Not bad if you ask me. Still somewhat of a bummer that I can't go up north with the family, but I will figure out a way to make it fun.

I took the plunge last week and signed up for Weight Watchers online. I ignored it for the first couple of days until Tuesday following a 10 Oreo binge the day before. It's true, I struggle with binge eating and I have felt like I have little or no control over it most of the time. Eating healthy takes a more than a conscious effort for me. It is a psychological game, and I hate it. Damn you, Hollywood. And yet I know it's my fault. The thing is, I'm not fat. I never have been, although you won't find the word "skinny" in a description of me either. People give me incredulous and sometimes disgusted looks when I mention wanting to lose weight or be healthier. When I turned 16, something clicked in my mind and I realized I didn't look like the magazine. I decided I wanted to, and it took me down a road that I have hated and regretted ever since. No, I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder but I struggle with eating just like all other women (and yes, I do believe that almost every woman has had an eating disorder at some point in her life, whether or not she'll admit it).

I turn to food for comfort. I turn to it when I'm sad. I turn to it when I'm depressed. I turn to it when I want to celebrate. I turn to it when I'm stressed. It sucks. I feel disgusted with myself when downing a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Yet it doesn't stop me.

So anyways, I'm hoping that this can be a turning point for me. I have made a decision to be healthy. I am finding Weight Watchers to actually be ok. It's not limiting. Yeah, I can't eat a bag of Doritos, but I really can eat whatever I want within limits. My hope is that I can get into healthy habits so I'm not stuck in this rut. I have found great recipes that are healthy and taste good too. Well, I'll let you know how it goes.

Work has been going pretty well. Thursday was a pretty bad day. Not awful, but definitely not one of my best. I find that I am expecting too much of myself and am angry when I fall short. I'm so thankful to have a great preceptor though who is so encouraging. I am enjoying my job. There are days I wonder why I'm doing it, but really I can't complain. I've now been on the floor about a month. Meaning I have two months left of orientation. Yikes!

Tired, tired. A good kind of tired, but still tired. Fortunately I have the next two days off, so I will be resting as much as I can. I'm hoping tomorrow I won't feel so tired.

I need to find myself a hobby for my days off. Any ideas? I honestly don't really have anything that I do on my days off other than resting, and while I definitely need that I think that finding something to help energize me would be good. I feel as though my life right now is work, and I don't want it to be that way.

I thought I would have more to say but I'm too tired to think anymore. So good night.

I'm sure it's fall somewhere, but not in Florida. It is as hot and humid as ever here on October 29th-- and has been for over a week. I have never really experienced much fall short of a few backpacking trips to northern Georgia a few times in high school. Never watched the leaves fall, or had too much of the cool crisp air. I know that people up north will tell me this is so much better, but I just wish we got four seasons here. I want to live somewhere and experience that, even if it's only for a couple of years. Florida's great for vacation, but not really living. Oh well.

I found out this week that I will be off Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I'm so relieved! My family will be here, so that was the holiday I really wanted off. Christmas I have accepted that I will very likely be working (in fact I wouldn't mind much since my family won't be here). I wish I could get the entire weekend off, but I will only have to work Saturday. Unfortunately I do work every single weekend this month-- and only one Sunday off. I will make sure that changes after this, because I don't mind every other Sunday. It seems a little unfair to put someone on every weekend, but then who am I to judge that? I'm the newbie anyway, they can do what they want. Yesterday someone even told me that it's not a big deal for me to work the weekends since I don't have a boyfriend. I wasn't offended, but actually thought it was funny because they just automatically assume my life is void of anything fun or exciting without a man. I actually am really enjoying my life right now, thank you very much. :)

I have today and tomorrow off, hurrah! For the next few weeks my schedule will off 2, on 2, which I don't think is too bad. See ya!

Well, not much to update on in my life, but I thought I'd write a quick post. I've had a good couple of weeks, with the exception of certain days at work... specifically my 3 in a row this past weekend that was (and I don't exaggerate) horrible. Thankfully it was followed by 2 days off, 2 days on, and now 4 days off! I slept like a rock last night, especially after being at work until 8:30. Yeah, you can say a crazy day- started out great until about 4 o'clock everything started piling up and there wasn't enough time to get it done.

I really am enjoying work. Sometimes when I tell people about it I think I must be giving an awful picture of it. Really, it's not bad. It's beyond stressful some days, but the rewards are pretty great. I don't mean monetary, but just knowing that you have made someone's day or their experience a little bit better. I had an older patient yesterday who I could hardly understand, and it seemed nobody really listened to him- but I asked him all about his past life to find out he used to ride motorcycles, sports cars, play jazz and ragtime piano, and guitar- rock'n'roll being his favorite kind of music. I could tell he loved remembering, and I wonder how many people take just a few minutes to listen. I hope I can keep that mindset. I also hope that I don't get to a point where I would rather give a patient Ativan before letting them talk through their fears and anxieties. Of course, most patients would rather have the Ativan, but still. I'm somewhat disillusioned by the lack of compassion I see at times among some medical professionals. These patients are people, and no matter how drug-seeking they may seem, or annoying and mean that they are, they are people and they are hurting inside and out.

Ok, off my soap box. Maybe I'm just not jaded yet. I hope that doesn't happen. I am already finding myself to be so over-stressed when I get home that I am snapping at people, and just feel angry for no reason. I feel as though I have no outlet for the stress.

I'm thinking of going to the pumpkin patch today. I'm ready for some fall! We ate dinner at the Kerchers' a couple of nights ago, and it was as fall-y as it gets. Loved it!

And I'm dressing up Star Wars with Tricia and Alex next week... any ideas? Tricia wants me to be Princess Leia, which I think I could pull off maybe, but that's not really much fun. Oh well, maybe I'll bust out my old elf cape and be a Jedi. We'll see. Anyway, I need to go now because I said at the beginning that this would be short and it most definitely has not been. Good bye!

Today in the midst of stress, craziness, yelling doctors, and busyness, a random patient said to me, "Smile, it could be worse!" And though I detest the occasional jibe at my lack of smiley-ness, it actually improved my outlook and was something I needed to hear for that moment. Work was crazy today, yet still a good day. A good day because I learned so much more about the whole process of being a nurse than I ever have before. Yesterday I was feeling as discouraged as ever about work. I have a terrible tendancy to get down on myself for no reason, to become anxious for nothing, and worry myself over things I don't need to worry about. Today I'm exhausted, but I do feel pretty good. Accomplished?

Odd experience- a student was there today. She helped me and my preceptor with patients, and I felt badly because she wasn't getting to do much since I'm still new and need to learn the ropes by doing as much as possible. So I decided to let her give some meds. When I asked her teacher if it was ok, she said to me, "Sure, as long as you quiz her on them and make sure she knows them!" And that was WEIRD, because I think the reality of not being a student anymore, the reality that I'm a nurse, really hit at that moment. Wasn't I just being quizzed over meds? I remember feeling so stupid barely a year ago because I couldn't remember certain things. Of course, there is still so much I do not know. I have learned a hundred new things every day. Sometimes I have to re-learn some too...

Needless to say, the job is going well, even if it is really stressful. The other nurses are great, always willing to lend a hand when I need it. My preceptor has been charge nurse a few times, and so I have had different nurses be preceptors for me. It has been awesome to see how everybody has their own way of doing things, and picking up on the methods that work for me. Now, off to sleep!

I think the exhaustion from my three days of work has only just been hitting me yesterday and today. All of the excitement on Saturday with Hannah and Damon's wedding sort of masked it, and after all the fun I had I'm so tired (and the wedding was a BLAST! I'm so happy for them!). I go back tomorrow, but thankfully will have two more days off before another lovely three in a row. This is going to take some major getting used to. I never really even got around to my BSF lesson this week, so already I'm missing out tonight. On top of that being tired is keeping me home.

Weary, exhausted, tired, worn out, and the list could go on. Maybe it's horrible that I'm sitting out BSF. I was even talking to my mom about the legalism that exists in Christian circles when it comes to missing church or Bible study or Sunday school, etc, for such reasons. We begin to measure our holiness or where we stand with Christ by keeping a tally of how many times you don't miss church. I'm not sure this exists so much in my church as I have seen in others, but it's still there. What ever happened to us being human? I'm so tired I want to cry, and physically what I need to do is just rest! Maybe this is just me trying to ease a guilty conscience.

So, I did have a good weekend. Melissa and Allison were home, and Hannah and Damon's wedding was fun. I did not catch the bouquet, and for once did not even really try. The camera even caught my look of enthusiasm (note sarcasm) when the DJ announced for the single ladies to come out on the dance floor. I made a face and when I looked up, there the video camera was, pointed right at me. Awesome. I wonder if Hannah will see it, she would probably laugh! :) Ask Allison about her experience!

I'm still adjusting to this new schedule, and I think I will be for a few months yet. If you think about it and can pray for me, I'd be grateful. I am realizing this is an indefinite period of my life. I won't be graduating from this in four years. Just realizing that holidays will no longer be the same, my weekends will not always fall the same time as other peoples', things like that. I guess this is what they call being an adult?

Out of the blue thoughts

Sometimes I wish I could sit down and have a talk with teenagers-- particularly girls. Facebook gives you quite a bit of insight into these young girls' thoughts, actions, and entire mindset. I find it unsettling. And yet in so many ways I was so much like these girls when I was younger. Maybe not to quite the extent of some of them with alcohol or boys, but I have little doubt that had I been presented with these issues more I might easily have fallen into it. It just saddens me to see so many of them striving to be something they aren't.

I wish that when I was sixteen I could have realized that so many of my problems were truly trivial. I wish I had known that being skinny was not the most important thing. I would have saved myself so much agony had I not let that become such a focus. In the end it has hurt me more in the long run than if I would have accepted myself for the way I was. I wish I had learned who my true friends were early on, to save myself the heartache of losing them. And although I never dated in high school, I do wish I had not spent so much time striving to be noticed. Honestly, most of these are issues I still struggle with to some degree. I can see that they took root when I was in high school, and uprooting them has been one of the most difficult and seemingly impossible tasks ever.

I think that for women particularly it is so difficult to live in today's world. I'm not trying to downplay the struggles that men have. I'll be the first to say I don't know what men go through on a day-to-day basis. But in our society, women must be everything. We must be smart, we must be beautiful, we must be independent and successful, we must be size 4, we must have 36 DD cup size, we must have a man at our side, we must be Super Mom, we must... we must... we must..... just check out commercials on TV or ads in magazines!! And on top of all of these expectations, we long to simply be noticed, loved, and accepted. It's no wonder so many struggle with insecurities, anorexia/bulimia, depression, drug addictions, and the list could go on.

Looking back on my sixteen-year-old self (or even my eighteen or twenty-year-old self) I see a very different person than who I am now. It's not that I find my personality changed, or that I've become someone I'm not. In some ways I find good, positive changes in that I have grown up and, I believe, matured a lot. But I find myself to have hardened over the years. Walls have been built. My bright expectations for life were not met in the ways I had dreamed (and yet there is so much time for that-- why can't I understand that?!). I suppose this is something that every woman comes to realize in her life. In the end I think that most of us struggle with all of these issues, and they never really go away. In fact, I think it is a very normal part of life and part of growing up, but I wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish I could go back and tell myself all of these things-- to not worry about my looks, my size, about my social status, or about boys, etc... because these things eat away at you, never letting up.

The awesome thing is that God is not done growing me yet. This is not the finished product, and am I ever grateful for that! "...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Someday we will no longer struggle. Our expectations for eternity will be met beyond what we could ever imagine. I suppose this doesn't always connect from my head to my heart, because I continue to struggle. But I just wish I could get beyond the insecurities, the past hurts, and my shortcomings to truly understand where I stand in Christ. But, I think, it won't be until the day of Christ Jesus that all of this is really gone.

I enjoyed my first weekend as a working woman. After five days of orientation I was exhausted, and definitely had a good weekend. Even though I have to study up on EKG stuff, I think I am really going to enjoy my days off. There aren't going to be huge deadlines, papers, projects, presentations, etc, hanging over my head. A little studying isn't so bad.

My med dose calc test went well. I think I stressed too much over it, but they did pull some crazy stuff out of a hat for that test.

My first day on the floor is Wednesday. I'm trying not to let myself get too nervous about it. I will only be given 2 or so patients, and even then I'm supposed to only shadow my nurse this week. I have the same preceptor that I had this summer, and even though I was up to taking a full load of patients as a student, I'm going to request to start off like any other new RN. In a sense I don't just want to start where we left off, because then I was a student. Now I have a license, and I'm taking that very seriously. Not to mention it has been over two months since I have had any patient contact, and you can forget very quickly.

I think I'm going to go back to BSF tonight. It has been a long time. I was only able to be really committed last fall, and even then it was hit and miss with getting the lessons done. Because I will be in GN/New RN classes Monday mornings for 10 weeks I won't be working on the floor on Mondays. I really need to get back into a routine with having a quiet time daily. I have let the craziness of life take over, and that's got to stop.

So far, so good. Orientation is going well. And yet again, I have another test to study for on Thursday! I'm a little disappointed to find out that it isn't just medication dosage calculations, but also a lot of other information that I have to memorize. I'm not happy about that. I got really overwhelmed at the beginning when they began talking to us about clarifying orders, giving wrong dosages, etc... they told us a story about someone who once gave Digoxin 2.5 mg (a normal dose is more along the lines of about 0.25 mg), and stories like that scare the living crap out of me. I'm human, I'm fallible (very much so, in fact) and it is scary because anybody is capable of making mistakes.

I bought myself some new scrubs yesterday (lame to be excited about, I know). Just two navy blue sets and a white top to rotate, because those are the only colors we get to wear. I'm actually glad, because I am not really into all the bright colors. PCTs are assigned a different colors, housekeeping another, etc, and that way I suppose we are all distinguishable from each other. Hopefully I will soon be able to invest in some nicer scrubs since I had to buy the cheapest ones I could find.

I got my work schedule for the next month as well. I work 2 or 3 Sundays, which I'm ok with I guess. I know it's what I have to do, so I have to accept it. You know what I figure? Jesus healed people on the Sabbath. I'm not sure He would smile upon me refusing 100% of the time to work a Sunday, and that makes me feel so much better about it. I always think of when the Pharisees tried to trap Him when He healed the blind man on the Sabbath. I should probably download some pod cast sermons to listen to on the way to work in the morning. That would definitely put me in the right mindset for the day, rather than just treating it like any other day while I am there.

Anyway, I'm actually getting really excited about my job. I was all nerves yesterday and this morning thinking about it, but as the day went on I realized that I'm not in this alone. I will be with a preceptor for 12 weeks, so I won't be doing anything without her making sure it is being done right, and she will slowly allow me more responsibility and more autonomy in my job until I'm ready to take it on without her being there all the time. And even after I am no longer with my preceptor, there will always be people there to ask for help. I will need to suck it up and not worry about being a nuisance, because I'm there to advocate for my patients, not worry about what others will think of me. I'm there to do my job.

And I'm sure that about a week and a half from now, I will probably be stressed out of my mind after working 3 in a row. We'll see!

Ever have one of those days where you just feel emotional about everything, and for no reason? That is me today. Just a "blah" day. I think part of it is nerves about tomorrow. Realizing a lot is about to change. I resist change, even good change! I wonder if I will ever be able to accept it without a fight. My responsibilities are about to increase, I won't see my family as much, and even the thought of holidays being different sucks. I'm so excited about my new job, yet this morning I found myself almost wishing I were back in school. Maybe it all wasn't so bad as I thought it was.

I think I tend to be over nostalgic about life. I attach too many wonderful memories to everything. I hear a song and I am taken back to a different time. I have two bins full of mostly junk in my room that I can't bear to get rid of because of the memories attached. A drop cloth with doodlings all over it made by Lauren and I one year the week before VBS. A piece of cloth from my baby blanket. A little bag I used to keep my small stash of money in as a child. Yesterday I found two tote bags, one from being a Voyager, the other from being a Pathfinder. Probably most of the girls from those classes threw those bags away a long time ago, but I still have mine. I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I'm like this, always holding onto memories, to better days, to hopes that maybe life will just be that wonderful and simple again. It's as though I'm afraid that if I were to throw away those material items, I would be throwing away the memory. I would forget, and I don't want to forget.

Whoa, I think I should probably stop writing. Can you tell I'm having one of those days? New job tomorrow, and I'm EXCITED, even if I am scared.

As boring as these lazy days have become, I am a little sad to see them coming to an end this week. I have spent many of my days sleeping in, enjoying coffee with Fox and Friends, and later afternoon sitcoms on TBS. I definitely would not choose to have so many lazy days (talk about BORING), but I'm glad that they came my way for a little bit so I would have to enjoy them. I will probably never again have that much time to myself. Kind of sad, but exciting that my life is about to change a lot.

This week will be all orientation. I don't know when they're going to throw me to the wolves (aka put me on the floor) yet, but I'm kinda hoping it won't for 2 weeks or so. I know for sure this week I will only be sitting in classes. They will be stuffing my brain with things I already learned but forgot. And I have to take another med dose calc test. Hurrah! Man, even when I'm not in school I have to take tests. What a life. I'm actually kind of starting to panic about getting into nursing. Like, this is really actually happening! I'm not just in school working towards becoming a nurse... I'm there. No instructor to go to when I have questions. Thankfully, I will be with a preceptor for 12 weeks. Thank goodness for GN programs.

I saw Mormons on their bikes today while I was driving home from Starbucks. And I wondered to myself, why are Mormons always cute? I have seen maybe 2 who weren't good-looking. Do they do that on purpose to get people to convert? Is it some sort of prerequisite for going on a missionary journey? Hotness required? I have always wondered.

Not much other news here. Hopefully everything will go well this week.

I have to say, post-NCLEX life is a beautiful thing. I'm so glad it is over. I know work will be stressful. Even with all the excitement of a new job, I have to remind myself that at times, it will suck. Being a nurse is hard, grueling work. And being a new nurse is even worse from what I have heard. I'm often told the first year is hell. Well, we shall see. But like I said, I'm trying not to let myself be too overcome with excitement about this new job and then be let down. Which definitely happened when I graduated, and is why I was so depressed for awhile. It wasn't what I thought it would be.

Life is good. I am learning to appreciate and enjoy the good things in life. I have become exceedingly aware of the heartaches, hurts, and tragedies of life. In some ways it seems horrible, awful that I can even say I'm enjoying life when people around me are hurting. As I excitedly shared the news of passing NCLEX with people I love, I felt the unfairness of it all. My face couldn't help but break into a smile all morning after I found out. It seems as if the world should come to a screeching halt when people hurt. It can't, and it sucks. People are hurting, but I have to move on in life. And I suppose that is part of life, but it's not a part that I like. It's this helplessness-- of being unable to do anything to fix peoples' pain.

Well, this week is my last week before my job. I hope it's a good one, and I look forward to being a working woman soon.

Registered Nurse

Well, praise God, I found out this morning that I passed NCLEX! I still can't believe it. I never thought I could really pass it. And not in 75 questions! I can only give credit to God, because in some ways I am not sure if all the studying really helped. The questions definitely did, but honestly I can see now why they kept telling us to just do questions. But God wanted me to pass.

I officially have a job as well, which I will be starting at the end of the month. It will be on a medical/surgical unit, which is very nerve-racking for me but exciting nonetheless. I will learn so much, and I am so excited about that. A lot of responsibility, but I think I will be better off because of it as a nurse.

And I can speak of myself as a nurse in the present tense! I am officially a licensed nurse! Whoa, though, there's still a lot I don't know.

I'm so glad I took it on Tuesday. When I originally signed up for a date, the 22nd was as early as I could get it. Thankfully another earlier date opened up, or else I would still be a nervous wreck, studying like there's no tomorrow. I can now relax a bit before my new job.

Well, who knows what's going on today. Yesterday was consumed with worry, and I didn't do much besides lay in front of the TV. I slept fitfully last night, and had one dream about failing NCLEX, and another about passing with a B-. Even though you don't get grades on it. I couldn't sleep as well as normally. Well, today I can relax and be happy.

NCLEX

Well, I took NCLEX today. I don't really know what to tell you. I got the 75 questions which can mean one of two things: 1) I did really well, or 2) I was doing so badly the computer had to cut off at 75 questions. I really don't know how I did. On one hand I felt like I was doing ok, but then some of the questions really threw me. Who knows? I am so frustrated that I can't know right now. The waiting is horrible. I don't want to get my hopes up, and I'm trying not to think about it but it is all I can think about. Honestly, right now I just feel like I failed.

I realized this morning that the past two years I have been working to prepare for this day. All of nursing school was really meant to prepare me for this test. Yes, it taught me a lot of skills, and a lot about the real world of nursing, but teachers' concern when they test us is to teach us how to take the NCLEX. It seemed almost anticlimactic sitting there at the computer. Not that taking a test is ever anything exciting.

I've got to stop worrying.

On a brighter note, I am feeling much better. I must have had some sort of infection, because the antibiotics seem to be doing the trick. I'm still coughing up the last of it, but it is nothing compared to how I felt last week. I was miserable! Thank goodness I'm feeling better. When I'm sick (and trust me, it is very, very rare) it feels as if I can't remember feeling well. I can't stand it.

Well, I'm going to try to stay occupied today. I don't know what I'm going to do, but somehow I'm going to get my mind off this test!

Zowie, I am done studying for NCLEX. I just pray that I pass. I take it on Tuesday (they recommend no studying the day before). I don't know how I feel. I feel as though I could spend hours more tonight cramming information into my brain, as well as tomorrow, but I know what I know and I don't know what I don't know. I pray I have done enough. I pray that I pass. I feel all right about it, really, but still extremely nervous. I am afraid of being a failure to all those around me. I'll be back to let you know how I did... I won't know if I pass until a couple of days after.

My ATT finally came yesterday! I'm beyond excited. Originally I was only able to schedule a date on 9/22, now however, I have scheduled it for 9/15!! I'm so ready to get this done! I'm extremely nervous about not passing, but I know I can do it. I ask for prayers this Tuesday, as this is going to be an extremely nerve-racking and grueling exam.

It looks like I might have a job as well. I had an interview this past Wednesday, and when they called me back it was to tell me that they couldn't hire me because of my not having received my ATT. Thankfully when I returned their call on Thursday morning, my ATT had arrived via e-mail just 30 minutes before. It was left that I will be called with the next step. She talked to me as if I pretty much have the job, but I'm still not 100% sure yet. I don't want to get too hopeful. I hope she calls on Monday. If I do get the job, I will start the 28th.

I was sort of on hiatus from studying for a few days. It was a combination of being sick of it as well as I have been pretty sick and not been able to do much more than lay around. But today I have been back at it, finishing two 50 question tests, and tomorrow I will complete a 265 question test. Ugh, I'm definitely not looking forward to that one. And I'm definitely hoping I don't get a test that long on Tuesday! That would be miserable!

Today is the 8-year anniversary of Tuesday, September 11, 2001. I woke up and turned on the news, and they played footage from the attacks. I didn't realize how emotionally taxing that was going to be. I had honestly forgotten just how awful that day was. This was chilling, eery, and disturbing, yet reminded me just how terrible that attack was. We often talk about 9/11 while distancing ourselves from it, and forget these were real people. Families were torn apart, mothers and fathers were taken from their children, brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, lost. We are quickly forgetting what went down that day. At least I know I am. Remembering the Monday night before, worried about homework, and starting the next day to the horrors of what happened. It felt like the world was turned upside down. Today has been like re-living it all over again in some ways. Try to remember today.

Is today Blogger's birthday? There is a little birthday cake on the main page.

I found out today that my ATT will not only be not coming this week, but that my application to the Board of Nursing has not even been processed yet. I'm pretty frustrated, but I suppose I have done all I can at this point and now just need to wait. I just don't think I can study anymore... it is getting really difficult. I was initially really upset, but I know I can still take the test, I'm still eligible to sit, and I will still be a nurse. Gotta look on the bright side.

Read this article this week, and found myself fuming by the end. According to this article, I would be a racist, disrespectful, unpatriotic jerk. Yet I am the exact opposite of all those things. I am all for respecting the President. When Obama was elected I told myself I would not become like the Bush-haters (and when Obama supporters call for respect for the President-- perhaps they mean the same respect offered President Bush? Oh, wait...). And although I am beyond frustrated and very angry about what he is doing, I think that I have still been able to respect him. As a President and as a person. I vehemently disagree with him. However, I rarely offer up any opinions when people discuss the current goings-on in Washington. I don't really see any point to it. And a question: when did disagreeing with someone equal racism? I could accuse plenty of my friends being racist towards me if that were the case. It simply isn't. Come on, let's lighten up a little. I'm not going to say that I'm all for the displays of protest exhibited at these Town Halls. I think it could probably be done better. But I don't know, calling people dangerous? Because they disagree with the President? People are genuinely upset about all that is going on.

Anyways... I am pretty bored these days. Being out of a job, out of school... it's no life. There is something entirely satisfying about work and seeing results. Working hard and reaping the benefits. Man, I am so ready for that. I know it will be so stressful, but I am excited about a new challenge. Excited to learn. It's so scary, yet so exciting!

I know we are not supposed to know why. But today I'm finding it really difficult to fathom why God allows terrible things to happen. Brokenness, sadness, and hurting. I wish there was something I could do.

I don't know why I complain about my life. I am a selfish, bitching brat so much of the time, and over nothing truly important. I take so much for granted.

I had what has probably been my only social interaction in a month last night. Went to Tricia and Alex's to see their new house, hang out, and eat dinner with them. Tricia's family also came over, and it was fun seeing all of them. They are a fun bunch to be around. Alex gave me a ride in his new Honda S2000 with the top down. It was fun! He went up to 85 in about 5 seconds, and I thought I was going to die. I decided that I could never have a car like that as my primary car, but maybe some day if I have money (haha!) I will have something like that for a weekend car. How fun would that be? Driving my sweet Camry every day to work... then cruising to the beach in my sassy little convertible. It does wonders for my hair too! It was super frizzy the rest of the evening last night.

Studying... well it's going. I am trying to get through Kaplan questions and really think about them. I was starting to get to a point where I just wanted to get through the tests and get it over with, but I can't let myself do that or I won't really benefit from it. So far everyone that I know of has passed NCLEX. Let's hope I can add myself to that list in a couple weeks or so (hopefully sooner).

Well, there isn't much else going on in life so I'll leave it at that.

Applying for jobs=GIANT HEADACHE!

Hopefully I will have something soon. A possible opportunity has arisen, but I will share more information later as I don't know very much right now. Lots to do tomorrow with getting letters of recommendation, transcripts, picking up my diploma, etc.

Studying is going ok. I feel like I'm not preparing like I should, like I'm doing something wrong, and I have such a headache after all of this applying today that I can't think enough to study. I thought life would be a lot simpler after graduation, but oh my was I wrong. I think it's so much more complicated.

I still have not gotten my ATT, hopefully I will soon. I am rarin to go!!

Growing up isn't easy. Leaving behind the rose-tinted glasses of your childhood to clearly see the reality of life is hard. I still struggle with it and I'm 22.

I've been through a lot in the last year. Not really in the sense that things have "happened" to me. I have grown farther way from God than ever in my life, and of my own doing. I've grown tired of church, tired of the routine. I have found the Bible boring, and it was no longer alive to me. My life has just felt... dry. Tiring. Wearisome. Recently hearing of people leaving the faith can shake you to the core. Yet I had to ask myself, how far away from that position am I? I have grown bored of the Christian life, tired of being good, and extremely lukewarm in my faith. How long can a person sit on the fence?

But today, I opened my Bible. I opened my Bible to read it for the first time in nearly 10 months. It felt good. Maybe I didn't receive any revelations. I didn't read anything I hadn't read before, yet I know it is truth. God speaks through Scripture. I know this to be truth, although at times I don't see it. I can wander all that I want. I can fight it all that I want. Nothing, nothing I do or say can change the truth about Who God is. I can't change what Christ did for me. I've wandered, yet He still died for me, still He calls me His own. I'm Thomas. I have spent much of my life in doubt. Yet He forgave me yesterday, and He forgives me today.

It's not an easy truth to grasp. It isn't as simple as "Jesus Loves Me," yet it is. Today I found myself thinking, if I don't choose to turn to Christ again now, I may never. I can't keep saying "tomorrow."

Goals

Found a list of goals I made in high school, maybe freshman year of college. Interesting to note them. Here are some I have so far accomplished:

-Graduate from college- RN (technically not RN yet, but I got the BSN part down)
-Run the River Run
-Make more friends (wow, was I so lame I had to put that on my life's goal list? haha- I have made a lot more friends!)

At times in my life I believe I have reached this:

-Find ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction in Christ (working on getting back there again)
-Radiate Christ (again, working on getting back there)

And some I have yet to accomplish:

-Get married (wouldn't you know that was on my list?!) :)
-Run Thanksgiving Half Marathon (maybe I can do that this year)
-Go to Argentina
-Go on a "cool trip" (as of right now a cool trip would be England, Italy, New York City, the like)

Hm. Maybe I need to make more goals. It's kinda neat to be able to check things off of your list of "life's goals."

Happy

I was talking with a friend the other night about life. About how life is really not a walk in the park. I have recently grown frustrated when I look around me and wonder if maybe there's something I just don't get. People smiling all the time, laughing, being bubbly and extroverted. Perhaps it's personality-driven, or am I simply more inclined to keep it real? Maybe for some people this laughter and happiness is some sort of defense mechanism to use in order to hide their true feelings. How can people really be that happy all of the time?

Folks, life sucks. I'm gonna say it. Why have we gotten to such a point that we must always project this facade that we are always happy? Always put together? Always have the right answers? Always trust? Always hope? Always love? I could go on. Now I'm not saying that you dump all of your sorrows on that poor un-suspecting Publix cashier when she asks you how you are doing. But sometimes when I run into people at church and have a conversation, I act happy on the outside while inside I feel just the opposite: discouraged, hurting, depressed, listless.

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 42:5

"My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling ahve beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.' " -Psalm 55:4-8

"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God." -Psalm 69:1-3

"But I cry to You for help, O LORD; in teh morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me? From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death; I have suffered your terrors and am in despair. Your wrath has swept over me; Your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me. You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." -Psalm 88:13-18

Check out those Psalms, and check out more in the Book. Those are the words of a man who was honest. We could learn something from him. There have been times in my life where I could probably have written similar entries in my own journals.

So I'm not happy all the time. I said it. Life is hard. But God is good.

Solitaire's the Only Game In Town...

I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy with studying. I didn't get any done yesterday and not any yet today either. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't seem to make myself sit down and concentrate on it. I need social interaction. I have become such a hermit, probably even more than in school! So far two people that I know of have taken the NCLEX, and one of them has passed for sure. I hope most people take it later like me, cause it makes me nervous when it seems like people are taking it earlier than me. Most of the people from the class in May only just took theirs at the end of July... so now they're taking all of the jobs we'd be getting. Bah humbug.

I have recently started watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show on hulu (thanks to Jacob Lusk!). Not a bad show. I remember seeing commericals for it on Nick at Nite when I was little, and always liked when she threw her hat in the air on the street. Other than that I thought it looked boring, which to a 4-year-old I suppose it would be. To me she was Laura Petrie. However, I find that it is a show that is very relevant to my life, and I especially like the character of Rhoda who I probably relate to more than Mary. Anyway, I've enjoyed watching episodes here and there in the last week. And I love Mary's fashion sense. I wish I could have her wardrobe (although mine would be about eight sizes bigger...).

Watched Bride and Prejudice the other night. Melissa has been bugging me to watch it for a few weeks now, so I finally decided to rent it. If you are a fan of any and every form of Pride and Prejudice told in every way possible, I'd recommend it. This one was different than I expected, but good, and it made me laugh.

Well, maybe I'll get some studying tonight. Who knows?

I detest Florida with all its humidity and heat.

How can people want to live here? It is miserable! I drove fifteen minutes to Wal-Mart today with a broken AC and almost died, even with the windows open. I cannot wait to get away from this weather. The beach is great, but who can afford to drive 30 miles that often? Not to mention I can't stay in the sun for all that long anyway. I know that the north has its cons as well, but oh what I wouldn't give to have four seasons a year. It's probably almost as hot anywhere else in North America these days, but the difference with FL is that we'll see these temperatures for a few more months, whereas if you are living somewhere else it might start cooling down within a month or so.

Now that that verbal rampage is over, hi. Hannah has bought all of her books for classes next week. Facebook statuses are lamenting the end of summer days. The weather is at its hottest (as mentioned briefly in the above paragraph), and the beginning of school excitement is in the air. Might I just say how stoked I am that I am not going back to class in a week?! I think the depressing spell may have finally come to somewhat of an end with the realization that I don't have to answer to intimidating teachers in class, write a 25+ page paper, or take a test ever again unless I want to (ok, ok, with the exception of NCLEX. I realized that was a completely false statement after I wrote it-- let's just say don't have to take a test again for a class).

Still getting ready for NCLEX. I'm trying to do 100 or so questions per day. Not too bad. I still need to review some content as well, but I seem to be procrastinating nicely on that. I'm definitely enjoying these slower days, although I'm getting cabin fever half the time being stuck at home all day. I did some grocery shopping for my mom at Wal-Mart, which goes to show you how desperate I am to get out of the house. My social life has come to an abrupt halt, which is kind of sad but somewhat enjoyable at the same time. I've been able to watch movies-- Pride and Prejudice (a favorite- and I'm thinking of pulling out the A&E version tonight which is even better!), Troy (never saw that one before and didn't expect to like it so much- definitely liking the Orlando Bloom/Brad Pitt/Eric Bana combo), Lord of the Rings (love it), The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (always near and dear), Hairspray (Good morning, Baltimore!), and a good number of others as well. Probably a huge waste of time, but I'm enjoying it nonetheless. What other time in my life will I have this much time on my hands? Probably never again.

Since school is now over I am making efforts to get back into exercising again. I am probably in the worst shape of my life. It's pretty hard to get back into it, but I'm hoping by the next month or so I can be running again. The other night I was explaining a ginormous blister I once had to Hannah (who just got 2 blisters from a 5-mile run), and said, "Yeah, I got mine on a 7-mile run" as if it were nothing. Then went "Holy cow, how did I run 7 miles?!" I can't even run one right now! Oh, to be in high school, young and energetic again. Before you laugh I will tell you that at 22 I have a lot less energy than I used to. I'm already having issues with my back, so don't tell me I'm not aging! ;)

Enough rambling, I have wasted enough of your time.

What in the world, I thought life would be so good after graduation! Now it is all a boring, depressing, job-searching, Kaplan-studying mess. I can't believe it's like this. Being a college graduate is not quite what it's cracked up to be. I feel so disenchanted with it all.

I miss my friends. Late night studying at the library with them, distracting each other and barely being able to hold our laughter in when we were supposed to be quiet. Walking down four flights of stairs to rejuvenate with coffee at Starbucks. Rolling down the hill on the green at 12 o'clock at night just for the heck of it, and almost breaking my hand. Meals at Panera or Chick Fil A between classes. Time spent together just talking. So, so many memories, and I miss it so much. I never thought I would miss all this. It all seemed so stressful at the time. Why didn't I appreciate it while I had it? Why didn't I stop and take the time to enjoy it? I'm definitely glad I have graduated college, but I will always miss the memories. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. I feel sad, listless, and stressed. I thought I would feel a burden lifted, yet I feel as though a heavier one has been placed on my shoulders in the form of searching for a job. It just isn't what I expected.

Smile... or not?

Today someone came up to me and asked me why I always look so sad. Seriously, a constant annoyance of mine. I'm not sure if I should sit there and paste a cheesy grin on my face for the world. News flash, my face does not curve into a natural smile all the time! I've learned to accept it, but I'm not sure why people must point this out. And secondly, why would it be other peoples' business if I were upset about something?

Ok, since I have a lot more time on my hands I have recently gotten back into the Lord of the Rings movies. And being the nerd I am I also have been watching the special extended edition features (yeah baby!). They make me smile and take me back about six years. I realized that last night, that it has been more than six years since our LOTR obsession. And, I might add, since I had my first celebrity obsession-- Orlando Bloom. Lauren and I actually wrote letters to him (I'm not sure I've ever shared this with anyone else...)! We found some random address online claiming to be the fan mail address of Orlando Bloom and we believed it. We never heard back. Maybe someday he will finally realize his undying love for me.

I am dreading the 180 question test I have to take once again at Kaplan tomorrow. But I have been doing better on the practice tests at home, so I'm encouraged. I don't think I will do questions tonight so that hopefully I can be a little sharper for tomorrow. Now I'm glad I took Kaplan right away. Initally I was really bummed about jumping from graduation to Kaplan for two weeks. Now I can devote the rest of my time before NCLEX to studying and practice questions. Yeah!

Oh happy day!