I finished my last day on orientation today. On Sunday I will be a real live nurse. Not that I haven't been, but to me it's official this week. I am so excited about the awesome team I work with on the floor. Everyone is so good about reminding me that I'm never alone, and that I can always go to them for help. There is no one I feel as though I could not go to for help. They are all awesome. I am so nervous too, because I feel as though I'm quite incompetent. But I am going to do my best, and ask questions when I don't know. It's how you learn.

I'm exhausted after the last several days. My back was killing me all day yesterday! I thought I was beginning to get used to the physical aspect of it all. Yeah right, because I feel like I just ran a marathon.

2010 is almost here. It didn't occur to me until a few days ago that the end of the first decade of the 21st century is here. ??? When did that happen? I still have very vivid and distinct memories of making videos and saying "Welcome to the triple-o's!" with my cousins 10 years ago. 10 years ago?! Allison, you will likely appreciate this memory. I guess I don't really want to get all sentimental, but it just seems really hard to believe.

2009- the year I graduated and became a nurse. I will always remember that for sure. Whether or not I will regret that remains yet to be seen... no, I kid.

Happy New Year!

I have heard people talk about day-after-Christmas depression, but never really experienced it. However, today I have been experiencing it for the first time. Waking up after spending two nights at the Kerchers' (which was a blast, and I'll tell you all about it), getting in the car to find that the Christmas station has resumed its usual boring music broadcast, getting coffee at Starbucks in a red cup knowing that Christmas is over. I've never really felt this way on December 26. Usually I would be driving to my other grandparents' house, looking forward to party #2 complete with gift exchanges, chili contests, and eating fluff and drinking apple punch. But that's not now, and I need to accept this today for what it is.

I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas night at the Kerchers'. It was actually really exciting, because I have never had Christmas morning stockings before. We all got into our stockings first thing in the morning (and Mrs. Kercher goes all out with stockings), followed by a delicious Christmas breakfast made by Mrs. Kercher. After cleaning up the kitchen we sat around the tree for an hour opening presents. It was so much fun, and really just like being with family. The Warrens joined us for lunch, and we ended the day decorating gingerbread houses and watching Elf. It was a great day, and I couldn't have asked for more if I couldn't be with my family. The Kerchers have grown to be my second family over the years. Mrs. Kercher is my second mother, Mr. Kercher my second dad.

I watched Julie and Julia today, and it was very cute. I did some google research however and found that Julia Child actually was very unimpressed with the real Julie (and so am I after what I read about her)- and the movie itself even addresses this. While I'm on the subject, Julia Child was a very interesting person. She was not allowed into the Navy or the Women's Army Corps because she was too tall- 6'2''. So she joined the OSS- Office of Strategic Services as something like a spy. She didn't get married until she was 34, and did not even begin her career as a French cook until her 40s. Which goes to show that not everyone finds their niche (or their husband for that matter) early in life. She has a pretty neat story I think, not to mention I feel a little connection with her being a tall woman myself. The best part of the movie is when it shows her and her sister running to meet each other in Paris, and they are contrasted by all the short people around them. It made me laugh because sometimes I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb in crowds.

Loneliness has been somewhat the name of the game this week, though not entirely since I did have an awesome Christmas. Some things that have helped ease the loneliness: hanging out with Allison and Sarah, the Kerchers (of course!), watching the Office, Lord of the Rings soundtracks, and Ben and Jerry's: Steven Colbert's Americone Dream. I now have the next few days of work ahead of me, and the busyness of that will keep my mind off things as well.

And so, yes, today is a bit of a depressing day. It occurred to me the other day sitting in Starbucks as I was feeling very sorry for myself, that everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives. Did I think that being out of school, or having a job, or having more friends, or simply being a "grown up" didn't come with it all- happiness, sadness, joy, elation, depression, anger, sadness, community-ness (is that a word- or emotion? I just made it one), loneliness, and sometimes all of these emotions mixed up together? I seem to have had this false perception that perhaps something was wrong with me that I've been feeling this way lately-- and not just the last few weeks, but months as well. I have probably watched too much Disney and way too many chick flicks. I'm sure that even after Cinderella found Prince Charming, she still had PMS. Anyway, I digress. I think I'm just learning that life is very complicated, never the same, always varying, not always good, and very ordinary.

Anyways, I'm writing everything as I think of it and I need to stop.

I have had a fairly good two days of work so far this week. On my second of two days off, and have gotten some good rest. I went shopping yesterday with Hannah, and we had an adventure! It ended with us being towed home, but thankfully my dad was there to save the day and we did get a good three hours of shopping done. I have been craving the hustle and bustle of shopping malls lately (very odd because I usually hate the mall). Anyway, yesterday was a good (if crazy) day. I tried to go to bed at 9:00 but it wasn't to be done. Ended up being up until 12:30 instead.

The weather is so nice lately! It is such a crisp, cool feeling outside. I hope that it stays that way since I have to be here for Christmas. How depressing to have a hot Christmas. Florida is so stupid. What is not depressing is that I will be with the Kerchers for Christmas Eve and Day, and that is basically like being with family. I will be a guest, but they are so close that I will be able to relax and enjoy myself, not feeling like I'm imposing. I need to buy them all something, what should I get? Allison had the idea of buying international beer for Mr. Kercher, so I will do that, but I need to think of something for Mrs. Any ideas?

I have a whole day ahead of me! What should I do? Oh!!! I have a great idea to go to ICE! at Gaylord Palms sometime. I think that sounds so fun! It's only until January 3. So at some point over break I want to do that. And I keep calling Christmas a break, but I'm not in school anymore. I also still find myself thinking of the year in terms of "fall semester" and "spring semester." Gotta get out of that mindset now!

Well, off to conquer the day! What's to be conquered, I don't know. Perhaps just conquering boredom.

A few noteables for my list of life's goals:

See the Northern Lights (no joke! how cool would that be?)
Spend a summer traveling
Don't let stress control my life (working on that one now!)

I'm realizing how seldom I really live life. I go through each day, whether it's at work wishing that 7 pm would just get here, or spent at home just doing nothing. I don't know if doing something as fantastic as traveling in Europe really counts as living life, but as for truly enjoying life I think it definitely counts. Interestingly enough, I recently received a lecture from an old friend about how foolish it is to have these aspirations for life. ?? ...ok. I didn't realize that was wrong.

I talked with Allison tonight about life and stress. And how we have absolutely no outlet. I feel as though each day is so bleak and difficult. I don't really know if I'm struggling with depression, but I know that is definitely an emotion I have been feeling. Some days are great, but others are just awful. And it doesn't always have to be triggered by anything. *sigh* I feel as though I am always waiting for something amazing to happen, for life to suddenly be good. I don't really know what it is I'm waiting for, but my life feels like I'm just... in limbo. The Wood Between the Worlds, I believe, from Chronicles of Narnia. I feel as though I live my life waiting for a better time than this, and I don't even know what that is. I'm afraid I seem much happier than I am so much of the time.

Blowing off steam. Unfortunately this blog is one of the few outlets that I do have, and I'm sorry you even have to listen to this. Somehow it feels good to know somebody hears (or reads) it. Anyway, I need to be going because I'm off to work dark and early in the morning!

One year ago this is where I was at. On the days that I am feeling sorry for myself, I need to remember what God has already brought me through. Not that my experiences are the most difficult things that anyone has had to deal with, but just remembering His faithfulness in the past helps me trust for His faithfulness now and tomorrow. I have a hard time seeing beyond my circumstances right now, and understanding the big picture.

Tonight as I was driving to my brother's football game, I was thinking about it. If I were reading a book of my life a hundred years from now (haha what a comical thought, that would be an extremely boring book), I would probably have been wanting to yell "Just wait for it! You're going to get through it, you will not be a failure!" It's easy to look back and think that, and sometimes I wonder just how often God looks at us, maybe not so condescendingly, but just desiring for us to trust Him to get us through the circumstances. He knows the big picture, and I don't. Just looking back on the last six months, I can see how each and every thing fits in to the big picture of my life so far.

The Holidays are looking up for me. More and more I am looking forward to the new experiences of them, and hoping that they really will be wonderful. I think they will. Maybe it will be good to take a bit of a step back for Christmas instead of always being so caught up in my traditions, in having everything just right. We'll see!

Today I enjoyed the ultimate introvert's day. I slept in until 9 am after a three-in-a-row and took my time getting ready for church. Got Starbucks on the way over, and I actually only made it for Sunday school, the main reason being that I honestly didn't think I would be able to stay awake through a service. After coming home and eating lunch, I spent about three hours watching the Office (ahhh! I'm ashamed to say that I now like that show) in my room, followed by a trip to the movies all by myself to see New Moon (yes, again). It was a great day spent alone, and I am so refreshed after a stressful few days of work! I have never been to the movies alone, and actually found that it was a great experience. I always wait until someone asks me to go to the movies, and often don't really enjoy the experience because you aren't socializing anyway (plus, most people other than Allison can't stand any sort of comments during a movie). So now if there's a movie I want to see, well, I'll go see it!

Work is going well. I am beginning to see why there is such a high turn-over rate with floor nurses. It is not so much the labor aspect of it as it is the mental stress, the immense pressure on nurses. I don't know, it just really hit me this week one day after work that maybe I'm just not cut out for this. How am I ever going to be able to deal with this kind of stress indefinitely? It really scares me the kind of responsibility that I will have in a month on my own. School does not prepare you for that aspect of it at all.

So right now, life sucks and yet it's good at the same time. The free time I have is the best, work is generally good, but the weight of it is a lot. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with it. Others have done it before me, so I will learn to as well!

Holidays are coming fast!

Thanksgiving Week

I have spent an awesome week of no work, Thanksgiving, and Disney fun just relaxing and enjoying time with family. We spent Thanksgiving Day at the Warrens' with the Kerchers and everyone had a great time. The weather was cool for once, making it feel more like the Holidays were upon us. Early Friday morning Allison, Catherine, Hannah, and I trekked to the Town Center for some Black Friday shopping. I had forgotten how awful people can be, but it was still fun nonetheless. Friday evening we all had dinner at the Kerchers' as a second Thanksgiving celebration since Allison had to miss the first one. It felt like old times like always and was a lot of fun.

I took John to Disney World yesterday. It's something I promised him I would do over a year ago once I got my job, and I decided it was finally time to do it. It was a lot of fun. It's always neat to live the Disney experience through someone else who hasn't had it much. I have been many times by now and still love it just as much as the first time. We went to Magic Kingdom for the first 7 hours, then spent the rest of the day in Epcot. May I just say that Mission Space was probably the scariest ride of the day, even though it's not even scary. Do NOT go on this ride if you are claustrophobic in the slightest! I don't consider myself super claustrophobic, but I am a little, and I thought I would have a panic attack when I got in there. They even put that disclaimer up before you get on, and I kept thinking it wouldn't be that bad. Big mistake. Anyway, it was an awesome day. I can't wait until the next time I go back, which will hopefully be soon since I finally took the plunge and bought an annual pass! Happy day!

Now it's time to go home and face a three-in-a-row at work. That is so tough, and I hope I get through it ok. It probably doesn't really sound so bad, after all I had an entire week off because of it! But it's pretty tough for me. Maybe it won't seem so bad after having had a lot more time getting used to 12 hour days, which was the first hump to get over for me at the beginning. I feel as though the 12 hours doesn't seem as bad as it did two months ago (and have I really been working 2 months?!). So hopefully the next three days will go smoothly. Some days are really good, and then some days just suck for no reason. I feel like I can't get everything done, doctors are suddenly writing a thousand orders for all my patients, etc, etc.

Well, I'm sad to see the week end. I will post some pictures soon but for now, hope you all enjoy the rest of your week! Happy Holidays- they are here! :)