Bitter

Tears. For myself and for the world, I cry. What have we done? What has sin brought us to? So much brokenness, physical and spiritual. Daily I see the spiritual erosion manifest physically in the bodies of my patients, and on days like this I cry for them. Do not tell me this is the way the world works, that it is the cycle of life. Look at what we have done. My heart breaks. We were not made for this deterioration. We fight it with every ounce of our being, because this is not what we were created for.

God, help us.

Another fun few days were spent in Orlando. I drove down Monday afternoon, and after getting lost downtown, Allison and I spent the afternoon and evening in Disney. We hit up Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Magic Kingdom this time. It was a great Disney day, and I can't wait to go back! Good times were spent with friends over the time I was in Orlando. I wasn't ready to come back, but somebody's gotta do it. I work the next two days, but do get the weekend off and will be able to go to the church picnic on Saturday.

I'm hoping for a good couple of days working, and a good weekend!

*Dear College Grads,

Congrats, you made it! Go out, experience the world.

Get ready, because it's not what you expect. Be prepared for some major disappointment and disillusionment. Odds are, you aren't going to find your dream job. Post-college life is great though, because you don't have to study.

You also lose an easy social life. It's not hard to be social when you go to class every day and see people, or meet them for lunch conveniently on campus, etc. When school is over, daily life is very much the same from one to the next. It's difficult to break up that routine. And if you're like me, it's very tiring to make any effort whatsoever to be social, so you will probably opt out for a night in on the weekend.

You might feel a little like you lost some of your identity. You've spent the last 17+ years of your life as a student. Life consisted very much of a class schedule, tests, papers, projects, presentations, etc. That's gone. You can't say you are a student anymore, and whatever you become will take a while before you really come into that role.

Get ready for fewer breaks. There is no longer "Christmas vacation," spring break, or summer vacation. Unless you're a teacher, forget all of that.

You might find yourself a little depressed and anxious because life isn't what you thought it'd be. It really isn't as carefree and wonderful as those first few days after graduation may have felt. But hang in there. If you're like me, single and young, you still have a lot of life ahead of you, God-willing (ok, maybe I should edit that.... if you are married you also still have a lot of life ahead of you, but you know what I mean!). There are still a lot of possibilities, even if you really can't "be whatever you want to be."

My best advice is to pursue jobs relentlessly, and don't be above taking a job you might not be thrilled about. It will build your character, just like Mom always said, and though it's going to be tough at times, it will make you a better person.

All my love,
Natalie

*Graduation time is one of my favorite times of the year. However, now well past my college graduation I am remembering how completely disillusioned I really was when it was all said and done. Just read through some of my blog posts from last August/September. Reading facebook statuses of grads who are so excited brings back all the awesome feelings of being done, but also reminds me of the weeks following the big event.

Life really has gotten better. Although I really struggled for awhile, and sometimes still do, I'm glad to have gotten where I am. Graduation season always reminds me that there is a beginning and end to everything, that there are seasons in life. If I am in a difficult place, it is TEMPORARY. Whether we will see the end of certain difficulties in this life, or not until eternity, our struggles are not forever.

Remember when you studied in high school or college, and felt as though it would go on forever? Or that 20+ page paper you worked endless hours on? But they ended. Last fall, when I was depressed, sad, disappointed... not to say that moments like those don't still come along, but they ended as well. Life did not stay forever such a horrible thing. And I know that life has yet to bring me disappointments and difficulties. They will end, whether in this life or not.

There's nothing like a nice evening alone, pretending that reality maybe doesn't exist for a little bit...

I think a good movie (Avatar, again), pizza for supper, and ice cream for dessert just might make an evening like that. Although right now I'm weary and tired from life, from stress, from the daily struggles and anxiety, it is good to rest my mind and my heart. Of course, I must wake up again in the morning and face reality, but tonight I rest.

I will enjoy the quiet before the chaos tomorrow. First goal of the day is to eat a good breakfast, because Sunday I went the entire day without a break and therefore nothing to eat until 9:00 that night. I'm hoping to not have a day like that tomorrow. Really, really hoping.

“Apprehension, uncertainty, waiting, expectation, fear of surprise, do a patient more harm than any exertion.” -Florence Nightingale

Today I was talking to my mom, and she said to me: "Natalie, I hope you thank God every day for your job. I do."

I completely was blindsided by a statement like that, because quite honestly, I don't. Am I thankful for a pay check? Yeah. But it is hard for me to feel thankful for this job. But she's right. Even though right now I am anxious and not wanting to go into work at all in the morning, I do need to thank God for this job. I need to be thankful even when I have to go to bed early on a Friday night, because it means I have a pay check. I need to be thankful even when I feel as though I want to cry at work. I need to be thankful on the days that are lighter and less stressful.

Right now I'll be honest and say that I don't want to be a nurse today. Sometimes I wish I had a job that was less stressful. One that I woke up in the morning and felt privileged and excited to go to. One that I loved. Still, I should be thankful.

I know that even though it doesn't feel like it, I do somehow make a difference. I want to hope so. I think I have forgotten why I became a nurse. I don't remember. I'm tired. Somewhere along the way I think I lost the reason. I remember I was excited at graduation.

This week while I took a patient's blood pressure, he held my hand. He just seemed content to hold it tight for that minute that I listened for his blood pressure, and I held his. Maybe I don't feel like I make a difference, but maybe he felt comfort and peace for a moment. I don't know. Moments like that don't come often. Because down the hall in another patient's room it was a different story.

You probably realize by now I work in the morning, and have no desire whatsoever to go in. I think I carry the stress of work too close to my heart, and it has been affecting me very negatively. I want to love my job. And I think I could, if I could get beyond this difficulty. I want to love being a nurse. I know that deep down I do, but it is hard lately.

Well, if I wanted summer to come fast, I got it. Highs in the 90s, and good old humidity just like always. Even a few thunderstorms interspersed, which I LOVE! At least evenings are still cool enough to tolerate, although that won't last long. Believe me, I will be ready for fall and winter before you know it.

Speaking of fall, Allison and I have a plan in the works for a trip to DC and the general area in October. I am sooo excited, and can't WAIT. How many months until October? Still five months away, bummer. In the meantime, I do get a trip to my grandparents' in July for their 60th. I have asked off a whole 10 days at work (still don't know if I got it or not) and I am hoping to get to see most of the family while I'm up there. It's been since Christmas '08 that I've been up there, and since I know I won't be able to go up this Christmas either, I'm making it a point to go this summer.

The last two days of work have been amazingly good. I mean, GOOD! Not just ok, or "not terrible," but good. I know that it's probably not going to be like that again for a long time, but I was so grateful and relieved to have a couple like that. Maybe it'll be a trend, but I highly doubt it. The worst thing you can do is walk in thinking it's going to be a good day, because those are usually among the worst. In the meantime, today I am going to rest up. I have stayed up too late and slept in way too late, which always throws me off.

Saw another good movie this week: The Young Victoria. I loved it! It was very romantic, but not over the top cheesy. Just a really sweet story. You should watch it.

Here's to hoping (but not expecting) another good couple of days at work.