Food

I love food.

If you know me, you know this about me.  I especially love sweet foods, and at times feel like a bottomless pit that could never get tired of candy and baked goods, if I let myself eat them all day every day.

And the fact that I love food--I have decided--is not a flaw about me.  I have long thought it was.  I tend to eat more than the average woman, and though I am also much taller than the average woman, I have always felt shame about this.  I should be more dainty in my eating habits, I should leave more food on my plate, etc.  That although I'm six feet tall, I should be eating for a 5'4'' frame.

I have discovered that I am recovering from disordered eating.  Not from an eating disorder, no.  But from a few good years of using food as a source of comfort, almost treating it like a friend.  Until this past May, it wasn't unusual for me to go out of my way for a Zaxby's milkshake, Chick Fil A breakfast, or order pizza in by myself (among other things-- these are just a few).  Every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  Breaking those habits was one of the hardest things I've done, and though I see nothing wrong with the occasional fast food, I was doing it too often.

When people talk about the term "comfort food," they usually mean something such as ice cream, or warm baked chocolate chip cookies with milk, or cornbread and bean stew.  Something to remind them of a simpler, happier time.  Something that brings them comfort.  For me, all food is comfort food.  Had a bad day?  Let's eat.  Had a good day?  Let's eat.  Had an ok day?  Let's eat again.  It doesn't matter the occasion, the emotion, or the people I'm with.  Food brings me comfort.  Of course, certain foods do this more than others, but I simply love eating.

So.  For the past four months, I have been re-wiring the way I think about food.  I still LOVE food.  That will never change.  But even just the little things.  Going to coffee with friends does not mean I need a scone with that coffee.  Going to the movies doesn't mean I should get popcorn and nachos with my diet coke.  Slowly it is becoming less of a conscious decision for me to not do these things.  And sometimes I still do them, and it's ok.  But I'm learning to enjoy things I love without always involving food with them.  That is a process.  One I'm still learning and may always be learning.

It is difficult at times, but also incredibly freeing.

Sorry for the scattered thoughts on the subject.  And thanks to my friend, Lindsey, for listening when I was sorting through some of these thoughts.

No More Negative Thinking

I once read an article that talked about how the majority of women think abusive thoughts about themselves daily.  Things such as, "I'm too fat," or "I'm so ugly," or even "I'm so stupid."  Few of us would allow another person to speak to us this way, yet we are so quick to allow our inner dialogue be incredibly hateful and toxic.  Some people allow this to pervade their thoughts so much, that they start saying it out loud in everyday conversation.  Forgetting that nobody really wants to hear another person's negativity toward themselves.

I think we are all a little guilty of this at times.  I know I am.  My daily inner dialogue toward myself isn't always very nice-- sometimes it's downright hateful.  There are days I'm way too hard on myself, and instead of being proud of how far I've come, I think of how far I haven't gone... how I've failed in this or that area.  I criticize my appearance, how I should be thinner, or wish I had a longer waist, how I wish I were funnier or more outgoing, or any other number of "flaws" I see about myself.

And how petty.  I hung out with a few friends last night, and we discussed how our lives are so easy compared to so many other people in the world.  And because of that, I think we look for so many other things to be unhappy about that really aren't that important.  I think it's what we jokingly refer to as "first world problems."  Not to diminish how difficult it is to be a woman dealing with body image in our society (I know as well as any of you, that is NOT easy).  But aren't there more important things to worry about?

Of course, I would love it if I had lost an additional 10 pounds by now.  But that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy and feel sorry for myself, paralyzed by my own self-loathing.  It doesn't mean I can't do something today to make someone else happy.  It doesn't mean my family and friends love me any less.  It doesn't make my life less happy, less fulfilled.  It doesn't diminish any of the blessings that I have, yet I allow it to.  I allow my own selfish, hateful thoughts toward myself to crowd out so many other wonderful things in life!  I'm determined to stop that today.  I'm going to work on that, and I hope you will too.

Because really, though life is hard and we do deal with a lot of difficulties along the way, I also believe that there is so much good out there that we don't tap into or we allow it to be tainted because we're so self-focused. (how many of you, upon remembering a wonderful vacation with family or friends, also remember how fat you felt during that time?)  I don't want to down-play what so many women, myself included, go through on a daily basis with photo-shopped images telling us what we should look like.  But I do want to stop allowing any of that negative thinking to play such a huge role in my life.  That's got to stop.

A Great Week Indeed!

I am coming off of a great week!

First of all, I finally, after four years of being a nurse, got my ACLS certification!  That stands for Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support.  I feel all nursey and ready to save a life now!  Just have to keep myself refreshed on the material so I'll remember it.

Second, I spent a few days in Orlando at Universal Studios with my wonderful friends Bela, Priti (and her husband Brad), and their mom Miss Gita.  Bela is my best friend from nursing school, one of the few I've kept in touch with.  She has become one of my very best friends for life, and we had such a great time hanging out in Orlando!  I was sad to come home, but there are always lots more good times to come!

We picked a great time of the year to go.  The crowds were minimal (for a theme park) and the weather was hot but not too hot with very little rain.  You can't win with Florida weather even in September, so you take what you can get.  I have to say, after this week I can finally say I love Universal Orlando.  I am a Disney girl through and through, so it was difficult for me to love Universal even though I've been three times before this.  I was always comparing it to Disney in the past, but I think it takes being with the right people to learn to love something like this.  I had a blast!

Here are some pictures from our time there.

 The first night, at the hotel getting ready to go to dinner.

 Me and Miss Gita, Bela and Priti's mom.  One of the most genuine, sweet ladies I have ever known!

 A pretty typical moment for us.

 Enjoying yummy nachos and queso.

 Miss Gita, Bela, and me.

 All aboard the Hogwarts Express!  The conductor declared us to be his wives, upon which Bela and I were excited to discover we are now sister wives!

 Flying brooms.  Or trying to.

 In front of Hagrid's Hut

 On a ride (similar to Teacups at Disney) with Miss Gita.  I got called out over the loudspeaker on this ride to put away my cell phone.  It was worth getting this picture!

 Hogsmeade.  Wish this was a real-life place!

 I feel like I could join the Ministry of Magic with this hat.

 Just goofing off

 I've always wanted to take a picture with these since the first time I went to Universal.  So we took one.

 Getting photo-bombed by a t-rex

 We went to the Animal Actors show.  It was pretty cute!

 Just before the Despicable Me ride.  It was one of my favorites!

 We got to meet Lucy Ricardo!  She was slightly drunk.

 We had tons o'fun at Universal Orlando!

Our last meal out before leaving at Pastamore at City Walk.

A Haircut

Two nights ago on an impulse, I did something crazy.

Well, crazy for me.  I went to Target and bought hair shears.  I had made the decision to cut my hair.  At this point, I figured I was probably going to screw the whole thing up and have to go in and get it fixed, but I didn't care.  I was sick and tired of split ends.

Turns out when you have curly hair, giving yourself a hair cut is actually pretty easy.  If I were going for a specific style that might not be the case, but getting rid of some split ends plus another inch or two isn't really too much to manage (I cut off a total of 3 inches of length).  I had watched a tutorial on YouTube for how to cut curly hair, and so I did it.  The whole time thinking to myself, "this is probably going to turn out to be the dumbest decision I've ever made."

The hair cut turned out pretty nicely, if I do say so myself.  Not saying it's perfect, but honestly it doesn't look much different from any other hair cut I've gotten at a salon.  The nice thing with curly hair is, you don't have to worry about every single curl being the exact same length.  From one wash to the next, curls bounce and curl pattern can change, so it never looks the same anyway.  The trick to cutting it well, however, is to cut it dry and cut one curl at a time.  You can imagine this took a long time.

Ok, shameless selfie time.  Hair from the back. 

This is from tonight, after a wash.  Still pretty good length, but the ends just look so much nicer!  I will trim my own hair from now on.  No more wasting money at salons for an inch or two cut off (how annoying is that?), and no more split ends from waiting way too long to get said hair cut.  Feeling pretty proud of myself right now.