Update

Well, it has been a bit since I wrote.  Life has been pretty busy.  I've gone to Florida, Illinois, and Yellowstone.  Days off in between have been packed with appointments or friends.  Work has been mostly good.

That isn't to say that life is always great.

There are things I'm struggling with.  Progress seems to be one step forward, two (or three or four or five, etc) steps back.  I am hopeful that one day I'll be able to look back and see how much progress I've made.  In all honesty, my eating recovery seems to be moving ever so slowly.  Each week is an attempt at small changes.  Trying to give up restrictive thinking.

In general, I have more energy and life these days.  I seem to have leveled out as far as that goes, and honestly not quite where I'd like to be but am working on a lot of self care and prioritizing my alone time, reading, meditation, getting eight hours of sleep, etc.

As far as my body image goes, that is up and down.  Mostly down, honestly.  I am constantly consumed with worry about what is going to happen to my body, about what is already happening to it, what people will think about me, etc.  I've decided to take a break from exercising as intentionally.  Instead, if a run fits my schedule, I'll do it.  But I am not going to lose sleep to do it, or miss out on experiences to do it, or isolate myself from friends to do it.  I've been hiking more, which is a far more enjoyable and peaceful way to get movement in.  Not to mention it's incredibly therapeutic!

But I need to learn how to eat apart from exercising away the calories.  That's hard and scary.

So while the last few weeks have been a bit of a "bump in the road," and I have felt like I lost all progress, I'm not letting that stop me from moving on as I would in the past.  Each day is always a step closer to full recovery.  And that is exciting!

One Day at a Time

I happened upon this post about loving my body in my blog archives from 2012.

At what point did I go off the rails?

I don't know if there's a specific time I "got" an eating disorder.  I know that the descent began in 2013 when I dieted and restricted my way to losing weight in a short period.  I know that for a couple of years after that I struggled severely with disordered eating off and on.

I know that it was the fall of 2016 that I finally admitted to myself and to my sister that I had an eating disorder, and had been struggling with it for close to two years.

And I guess it doesn't really matter at what point I went from disordered eating to a full-blown disorder.  But the fact is that I can pinpoint the beginning of the spiral to one specific thing: dieting.  Restricting.  Losing weight rapidly.

That's not to say every person who diets will develop an eating disorder.  But odds are if you have an ED, it probably started with a diet.

I still struggle with the idea of never dieting again.

No more Weight Watchers.  No more Whole30.  No more counting calories.  No more restricting carbs or major food groups.

Letting go of the control.  Facing the fear that I might gain weight and not be able to turn to dieting to quickly lose it.  Each day that I don't step on the scale to monitor the fluctuations.... fearing what is happening to my body even right now in this moment.

And facing head-on all the crap behind WHY this is going on in the first place.

Needless to say, it's extremely overwhelming if I think of it all at once.  So I take it one.day.at.a.time.

Thoughts, Thoughts, and More Thoughts

Well, I can't seem to figure out a good way to keep this blog going.  I guess we will just go back to the tried-and- true, write when I have time and inspiration to post.  And that's ok!

I shared recently some of my struggles over the fall and winter with eating disorders, anxiety, and depression.  The weight gain that came with it, that seemed to perpetuate the cycle even more.  Binge, gain weight, feel depressed about gained weight.  Anxiety attack, then another binge, and so on and so forth.  It.Was.Miserable.  It was happening probably 2-4 times per week by the time November rolled around.  It was really hard.

I'm in a much better place now, although yes there are still days it can be a struggle.  Because I look at how others live their lives, seemingly unaffected by the choices they make from one meal to the next, and I feel like that is a struggle I may never get over.

I know I have never been obese.  Overweight, yes.  But obese, no.  I realize I don't understand what it's like to be a fat person in our society.  But I know what it's like to feel trapped in your body, trapped in your mind, and unable to break free of the cycle of hating your body-- and both hating and loving food because of what it does to and for you.  This thing that I literally rely on for survival is also my greatest enemy.  Drug addictions may be worse in other ways, but food addiction?  You can never get away from your addiction, not really.  You can't "not eat."  Before you say food addiction is not real, tread carefully.  Because there are people who literally think about food night and day, and constantly have to fight the urge to eat and eat and eat.  Looking at me you wouldn't think I've been there, but what you see on the surface isn't always what it looks like.

So while I try and love my body as it is, to appreciate what it is able to do, deep down I still hold tight to the ideal "perfect body" that I want to attain.  I do still feel that I won't be truly happy until I have that.  The thing is, I know that isn't true, but it is still somehow the way I feel.  And I've realized recently how much this has hindered me in life.  At times I think, would I be married if I hadn't ever had this struggle?  I always seem to go for guys who value fitness above all else.  Perhaps because I myself am shallow in that way, but then I put those same expectations on myself as well to be perfect.  So instead of finding someone who really, truly thinks I am perfect as I am... well, I find the ones who seem to value perfect bodies above all.  *sigh*

Catch my drift?  I'm kind of a mess to be honest.  I'm 29 years old and still trying to figure it all out.  Maybe there's a reason for it, I don't know.  The thing is, I don't want my 30s to be defined by this.  I feel that my 20s has been plagued by constant hatred of myself and who I am, what I look like.  And while I'm entering my 30s much more confident than I was 10 years ago (thank goodness!) I still feel as though... I don't know.  I feel like I should be much farther along in that area.  While my friends are all mostly married, and raising their children and going about their happy suburban lives, I feel stuck in this phase of my life like I am never going to get out of it.  And when I think I'm close, I just fall back into the same cycle again and again.

This has been probably the most disorganized post ever, but somehow it feels good to write this down and put it out there.  Maybe someone else knows how I feel right now.  Or maybe you're just reading this thinking, "Get a grip, Natalie, there are more important things to worry about!"  Well, you are not walking in my shoes, and I'm not walking in yours.  This is my journey and I'm just doing the best I can right now.

I've gained weight.

It's a fact and... It's ok.  A couple of months ago the thought made me cry.  Every bad thing I thought about myself came rushing to the surface because of the simple fact that I have put on a few pounds.

To me, the weight gain screamed to the world what a failure I was.  How out of shape I was, despite actually being in great shape-- just perhaps not aesthetically so.  How could I hate myself so much after talking so much about learning to love my body in all its flaws?

And all of that was true, of course.  But in a way, it is a little easier to love your body when your weight is a good 20 pounds below where you once were.  It's much harder when your body is slowly creeping its way back to where it once was.  Especially when that comes as a result of depression and loneliness.  Not necessarily unhappiness... because really... I can't say I'm completely unhappy in my life, even though I'm struggling with depression.  Does that make any sense??

Sometimes it is almost the thought of how others perceive me now that I'm here that has kept me down.  Before I went to Florida a few weeks ago, I felt absolutely mortified to think of my friends and family seeing me like this.  I actually attempted several times to lose weight before my trip, which only backfired on me.  How could I show my face, after finishing a 70.3 triathlon and running all summer to train for a marathon, and be heavier than I was the last time they had seen me?  Honestly, I felt embarrassed.

I don't feel embarrassed anymore.  I don't feel ashamed of it.  Can I say I love it?  Hell no.  But yesterday I did something in the arena of "self care:" I bought myself some nice, cute, and yes-- expensive (to me) clothes that fit.  I bought jewelry and new sunglasses.  No more hiding in t-shirts and workout clothes, because that's what I've been doing.  I'm tired of it.  I once had a wardrobe full of beautiful, flattering outfits.  When I lost weight I gave it all away.  As I've slowly rebuilt my wardrobe, I never really thought about the fact that staying at that weight might be a struggle, and one that wasn't really worth it.  And so I'm not going to be hiding myself in outfits that I don't even like, while I work hard to fit back into outfits that might fit me for a month or two.

If I'm able to once again fit into those clothes, so be it.  But the truth is, I'm exhausted.  I am close to complete burn-out with my training and I don't want to get there.  I want to keep loving fitness.  I want to enjoy food once again without guilt and without worrying about what it will do to my waistline.  I want to go for a run and not care about how slow or fast I was or how many miles I got in that day.  I want to just be.

This recent study published in the New York Times caught my attention recently.  It reveals the slowed metabolisms of the contestants of Biggest Loser and how their bodies fight to go back to their previous weight.  I know that it has been known for a long time that our bodies have a "set point" which is extremely difficult to lower.

Then today, I saw this clip from the Today Show in which they interviewed Bob Harper.  It disgusted me... to be honest, it's almost triggering for me in my own disordered eating mindset I have lived in for so long.  Most of all at the end, this promotion of intermittent fasting.  Hey, wake up, starve yourself until lunch.  Sounds like a great idea.  His response to peoples' metabolism slowing down with weight loss?  "If you skip one meal, you could be offsetting that easily."  And his last comment, "Starchy carbs, sugar, is not a part of my diet, and it shouldn't be a part of yours."  Just... no.

I get it.  This has been what his entire career has been built on.  Weight loss through extreme diet and exercise.  He's not going to go on this show and say, "We did Biggest Loser all wrong!  I take it all back!"

I just cringe at the thought of the millions of people, overweight or not, who will watch this and instantly feel shame, guilt, and more over their own exercise and eating regimen.  Young people who might already be on the brink of eating disorders... people who are already in the throes of raging eating disorders... people who are already living a healthy, fit lifestyle, whose bodies may have settled comfortably into a weight that might not be considered lean and toned.  Bullshit like this can throw people into extremely unhealthy habits that start into a cycle of under-eating, restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.  I know, because I have been there and so have many others!  All the willpower in the world cannot prevent this cycle once it is in motion.

It's just scary to me that lifestyles like this are being promoted as healthy.  That we look up to people like Bob Harper.  I believe he means well.  He follows his own advice he doles out to people, which I suppose I have to give him some credit for, but that doesn't mean it's well-advised or healthy.  That doesn't mean this lifestyle fits in for the everyday person.  But the thing is-- he is nothing more than a celebrity with certifications in personal training.  He is not a dietitian, he does not have a degree, he is not a scientist.  Sadly, however, most Americans will continue to buy into this kind of bullshit sold by not only Bob Harper, but trainers and "fitness professionals" alike.

It really breaks my heart.

Reality Check

I talk a lot about my health and fitness here.  I have chronicled a lot of it on this blog throughout the past couple of years.  What started out as a wake-up call (after many previous "wake-up calls," honestly) turned into a passion of mine.  I never thought I would become someone who enjoyed running, trained for triathlons, and eats healthy (most of the time).  I used to make fun of those people, in fact.

I existed on a diet of processed carbs, refined sugars, and very little of anything else.  I didn't exercise.  Ever.  When I started getting serious about my health, just a couple of miles walking would have me incredibly winded, sore, and exhausted.

The past 2+ years have been quite a journey.  Every so often I feel the need to check in with myself in the process.  It's easy to get caught up in a super-healthy phase only to be followed by what I perceive as failure (even though it's not).  On the other hand it is also easy to get caught up in some pretty unhealthy habits that I sometimes allow myself to fall into.

One of the biggest realizations I've come into the past few weeks is about my body.  I've found myself wishing my strength and fitness showed more in what my body looks like.  In other words, I wish that simply by looking at me, people could see my level of fitness.  The hours of time I have put into training, cooking, and eating healthy.  And I hate that I think that way, I hate that I care at all what others think.  And this doesn't consume my thoughts all of the time, but it does enter them more than I would like.

I had a really strange experience recently, though.  I had gone to another floor at work to look for some extra supplies.  I was waiting for the elevators and happened to look through the windows next to me into another room.  I saw a person standing in there, and for a moment it startled me a bit because it was the middle of the night and I didn't expect to see anyone there.  I realized after a couple of seconds I was merely seeing my reflection.  But the odd part of the experience was that for the first time, I saw myself the way others see me.  I hadn't seen a big girl in that window.  In fact, what I saw was far from that.

This was a huge reality check for me, to see myself through "someone else's" eyes... even if they were my own eyes.  When I thought I was seeing someone else, I saw what looked like a tall, slender person.  How strange to see yourself that way.

And it was a reminder that I need to be kind to myself.  My body has gone through a lot of change in the last couple of years, yes.  But it also has been recovering from years of bad eating, sedentary habits, as well as negative self image.  And undoing all of that is going to take time... maybe more than two years.  Maybe another two or three or four, who knows.  But I love my body and I am determined to continue to take care of it... sometimes that means taking it one day at a time.  Simply not being hard on myself for unhealthy choices.  Realizing that I'm beautiful in every form that my body will take on in this life.

Today, I joined the gym.

I knew one of my goals was to work with a trainer for awhile.  So naturally after I joined, the guy asks me to follow him, and before I know it I'm standing in front of a scale.  I could already feel the blood draining from my face, but I stepped on anyway.  I know that if you work with a trainer, they simply have to have numbers.  So my weight was probably a bit more than I prefer, but I am wearing jeans (I usually have weighed myself naked in the past) and I have gained muscle this summer.  Then he hands me a little handheld device, and we check my body fat percentage.  Surprisingly, my body fat percentage was lower than I was expecting.

So here we go and sit down, and suddenly he's calculating all these numbers, telling me how many pounds of fat I have on my body, how many pounds of fat I should lose, how many pounds of muscle I should gain, etc.... as I sat there, I couldn't believe I found myself fighting back tears.  I actually stopped him at one point and let him know, listen I've struggled with an eating disorder so numbers aren't always the best thing for me to reduce myself down to.  But naturally being a guy, he didn't really understand that.  In the end, I requested a female trainer.  I meet with her this coming Monday morning, so I am certainly ready to let her know my body image and food issues up front.

And I don't even know if she'll care, but I'd like to think a woman will at least take a more compassionate approach to training if she knows some of those things beforehand.  The thing is, I am in a really great place right now with my body image, food, etc.  I have, in the past ten months, had only two small binges.  I have eaten the most balanced diet I ever have in my life.  I have gotten in the best shape I've ever been in.

So why get a trainer at all?  Honestly, I feel ready to take on a new challenge of some sort.  To up my game, and get in even better shape.  I know I am not going to have the discipline to do strength and HIIT-style training on my own.  I'm just not.

But in this process, I am committed to not reducing myself down to a number.  Not a number on a scale.  Not a percentage.  Not a BMI.  Not a calorie-deficit or -surplus.

Because I am so much more than those things.

I remember in May, I lamented to my sister that here I was as fit as I've ever been, yet I still carry a "spare tire."  She looked at me and said, "Well, you're not a horrible, mean-spirited person, and that's a lot worse than just having a spare tire.  What's a little fat around your belly?"  And it's true.  I will be kind to myself in this process.  I will check in constantly with loved ones and friends, so that I do not get sucked into any disordered mindset.  I will remember that who I am is my compassion, my love for others, my spirit, my fierceness and dedication, and so much more.

I'm excited to start a new and scary (yes, SCARY!) chapter in my fitness journey.

Valley Girl Triathlon 2015: In the Books!

 Well, I did it!  I successfully completed my very first triathlon sprint!  1/3 mile swim, 12-mile bike ride, and 3 mile run.  I can hardly believe it still, even after the last two months of hard work I put in for it.  And I had the time of my life.  Crossing that finish line was the best feeling in the world.

I did no elite time, of course.  In fact, my bike time was what kept me from making a really good time, which I'm still just a *little* upset about.  The breakdown was 12:07 swim, 1:00:31 bike, and 28:25 run.  My first transition time was 6:42 and second was 3:05.  All for a total of 1:50:50.

But now I know what I need to work on.  I loved it.  Every minute of it, it was so exhilerating!  I'm finding myself ready to take on another.  Already looking to do an olympic triathlon next year, and I may possibly be doing another sprint here in a few weeks.

This week I'm mostly resting, with maybe some swimming since it will be less stressful on my body than running or biking.  I have been pushing it pretty hard, because I've been doing much longer runs within my triathlon training as I am hoping to do a half or full marathon in October (most likely just the half).  The last few days just before the triathlon I did begin to experience a very slight pain in my foot. I monitored if VERY closely, in fact I was texting my friends telling them that I might have to back out of the race.  I learned a lesson last year, a very hard one.  However on race day my foot felt better, although still a slight ache.  I went ahead with the race, knowing I would give myself a rest when it was done.

And I'm following through on that.  I honestly do not believe it is more than a pulled muscle or something very minor like that, but I am too scared to injure it further by pushing it.  Which is why I will most likely be only doing a half marathon, as the training will be much less intense.  I am certainly ready for a new challenge, but not to push myself beyond my limits.  I love being active too much to do that to myself and I want to take care of my body.

So today, I am just enjoying the satisfaction of finishing the race.  Working toward a goal and achieving it.  Not perfectly, but to the best of my ability and that's all I can really ask for.  I will enjoy my rest this week.

New Body Resolutions

I've come up with a new resolution for myself: no more body analyzing.

I have realized the past several months that this has become a subconscious habit of mine.  I find myself constantly analyzing how my body looks nearly every time I look in the mirror.  Whether it's washing my hands, doing my hair or make-up, getting out of the shower, or even just walking by a mirror in public-- I'm always analyzing what my body looks like.

Why?  I don't know.  I don't actually hate my body anymore (I have days... yes, still have those days).  But when I have finally gotten my health on track and worked hard fueling my body the correct way... I have this fear that I'll "mess up" and end up right back where I was two years ago.  My warped way of thinking has me feeling as though this can happen overnight.

IT CAN'T.

I think coming off of a week of eating out, eating more desserts, I'm also finding myself in this mindset more.  Like this feeling of, "I totally screwed up!!!  I'm ruined!!"  And the thing is, I didn't spend the week overeating all of those foods.  It's laughable, I know.  But I think it's probably a pretty common feeling for most women.  It's just hard for me to admit.  

So this is something new I am going to be working on.

One Year

It's hard to believe what a difference a year can make.

Last May I got a hard slap in the face from reality about my health.  I was the heaviest I'd ever been, the unhealthiest I'd ever been, and my self esteem had reached an all-time low.  I felt miserable, though I hadn't admitted it for a long time.  I spent most of my spare time sleeping or watching TV-- just very sedentary.  Not sure you would call it depressed because I wasn't sad, but I suppose it was a form of depression in and of itself in that I didn't have motivation for anything.  At all.

I saw a picture of myself from my trip to Illinois that May.  I remember thinking, "Who is that girl, cause it's not me and that's not what I look like!"  As soon as I got home I got started on transforming the way I ate, the way I thought about food, and I started exercising.  It was slow start... just walking two miles was a challenge (especially in the heat).  It was discouraging and it sucked for a long time.  It didn't happen overnight, and sometimes I cried.  I didn't feel good about the changes I was making for a couple of months.  But this was a lifestyle change, and I was determined it would become my way of life.

Fast forward to a year later.  I feel like a different person.  I feel healthy in mind, body, and spirit... and that isn't something I've ever been able to say before.

A year ago I could barely walk two miles without being really short of breath.  Today I can run five miles without stopping... not that it's always easy or doesn't have its obstacles... I've worked to build endurance, fought through fatigue, shin splints, and complete discouragement.  Some days I'm completely unmotivated.  A year ago my diet consisted of a lot of processed or fried food and very few fruits and vegetables.  Today I eat a healthy, balanced diet but still enjoy my treats.  Food is still something I love, but not something that can control me.  Again... there are still bad days.  I still want to turn to it emotionally at times and I continue to work on that.  Let's just say I'll always be a work in progress, but today I love the person that I am!  And I'm working to become better every day!

some days aren't as good as others.

Body positivity is something I work very hard to keep my focus on, especially when it comes to my blog.  I don't like to project negative thinking here.

But I also don't like to suppress feelings that are very real, even if only in that moment.

I have bad days too.  Still.  Like I've said before, this is a journey with ups and downs.  Today has felt like climbing uphill for some reason when it comes to accepting myself.  Not just in my body image, but in my abilities, my personality, among other things.  The negative voice in my head has been the loudest today--and I've allowed it to be, I'll admit.

What are some things I do on these days to take care of myself?

I took a nice walk this morning.  (Shin splints acting up, so running is on hold for a few days)

I read a good book.  Thanks to the recommendation of my friend, Jacob, I bought Tina Fey's Bossypants and haven't been able to put it down!  I may have almost finished the entire thing today.

I take a nice long, hot bath.

I listen to my favorite music.  Right now, it is Josh Groban.  Who am I kidding, Josh Groban is always a favorite!

And I allow myself to have my moments of negativity and insecurity... but I dig deep and figure out where these feelings are really emerging from.  It is usually a very real problem that I take and project onto my body image in order to ignore the real issue. (WHY do we do this?!)  Then I must deal with the real issue.  Suddenly, I find that I don't think myself so very disgusting after all!

And sometimes, you just have to chalk it up to a bad day and call it quits for the night.

A spontaneous picture taken by my brother.

I had just had a super fun day with friends.

I look happy, and I like it.

reasons to love my body

I am always looking for reasons and reminders about why I love my body.

As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better.  "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself."  "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy."  As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time.  I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset.  Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds).  And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.

A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem.  Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines.  These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more?  Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them!  Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies!  You're too white, wear bronzer!  I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Exercise used to be a chore.  A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was.  Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are.  Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure.  (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)

There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself.  Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life.  I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did.    Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome.  Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.

I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year.  And why I should love my body.  Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time.  It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache.  And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now.  Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself.  A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.

I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world.  I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with.  But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.

it's a journey

Since starting travel nursing, running has become a new hobby of mine.  That's definitely not a something I ever thought I would say, but here I am saying it.  I feel as though I've had a breakthrough with fitness.  Seeing it as a way to challenge and push myself, achieve goals, break my own personal records.  And learning that it isn't about pushing my body to achieve a specific size and shape.

Yesterday I went running-- five miles (more than I've run in years)-- in the snow, ice, and rain.  Call me crazy, but I actually do enjoy running in conditions other than hot and humid (take that, Florida!).  I indulged in a little self-promotion that I rarely allow myself to do on facebook, and bragged on myself just a bit.  I then included the statement that I felt badass because less than a year ago I was overweight and sedentary.  And while I got plenty of likes for that status (because well, duh, that's why we post!) one comment stood out to me more than all of those likes.  Essentially the gyst of this comment was that I was never overweight to begin with.

Of course, then I felt a bit silly.  

I know I was never obese.  I realize I don't know what it's like to be 30, 50, or 100+ pounds overweight.  I've never claimed to.  But I was a sedentary, over-eating and yes, overweight girl.  I was unhealthy, even though I might not have admitted it at the time.  I could barely walk a mile without being short of breath.  I would bend over to tie my shoes and breathing became difficult.  I felt stuck, I felt trapped.  I felt like I would try to make extreme changes only to make even bigger failures and then feel even worse about myself.  When I reached my breaking point last May when even my biggest clothes were way too small and I barely recognized who I saw in pictures, I knew something had to change.  So I began a journey, one that I'm still on, and one that I'm still learning to navigate and probably always will.

I remember thinking to myself, "I'm 25 years old.  Is this the prime of my life?  Is this as good as it will get for me?"  And I resolved that the latter part of my twenties would be better.  That I would take care of myself.  Every day is different.  There are days I don't have a hard time with it at all.  And days where I still wish I could just eat a whole pizza, ice cream and cake, and just not care.  And sometimes I allow myself those (smaller) indulgences, and it's ok.  But every day is part of my journey toward being a better, healthier person.

On Feeling Low

Tonight I've been feeling really low.

I couldn't put my finger on why.  It's like a thousand different things that are bothering me and stressing me out.  I'm stressed about changes coming.  I'm worried about finances.  I'm afraid everything won't come together.  I'm nervous about an event coming up tomorrow.  I'm fat and disgusting.

Wait.... what?!

How did that creep in?  I'm sitting here worrying about all these legitimately stressful things, and suddenly I find myself running my hands over my stomach, wishing it were thinner. I suddenly felt angry that I ate frozen yogurt after supper, and two small pieces of banana bread just now for a late night snack.

It took me awhile to even figure out that I was taking the stress in my life and turning it into body hatred.  Using it to cut myself down for no good reason at all.  And doing it completely subconsciously without even realizing it.  How many times have I done this before and never figured it out?

I have yet to figure out if it's really my self-esteem that's at fault here tonight, or the stress of life.  But they seem to be working together really well to keep me feeling pretty lousy for now.  Thanks to a good talk with my friend, Lindsey, I do feel better.  But I would still love to take this negative self-talk and give it a roundhouse kick to the face.

On a better note, I kicked ass on the elliptical for an hour today!  (Bet you never thought you'd hear about an ass-kicking and elliptical machine in the same sentence... but that thing can actually give you a pretty hard workout if you use it the right way!)  Even though I don't feel awesome about myself today, I am in good shape and still working hard at it.  To me, that is a victory.

Food

I love food.

If you know me, you know this about me.  I especially love sweet foods, and at times feel like a bottomless pit that could never get tired of candy and baked goods, if I let myself eat them all day every day.

And the fact that I love food--I have decided--is not a flaw about me.  I have long thought it was.  I tend to eat more than the average woman, and though I am also much taller than the average woman, I have always felt shame about this.  I should be more dainty in my eating habits, I should leave more food on my plate, etc.  That although I'm six feet tall, I should be eating for a 5'4'' frame.

I have discovered that I am recovering from disordered eating.  Not from an eating disorder, no.  But from a few good years of using food as a source of comfort, almost treating it like a friend.  Until this past May, it wasn't unusual for me to go out of my way for a Zaxby's milkshake, Chick Fil A breakfast, or order pizza in by myself (among other things-- these are just a few).  Every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  Breaking those habits was one of the hardest things I've done, and though I see nothing wrong with the occasional fast food, I was doing it too often.

When people talk about the term "comfort food," they usually mean something such as ice cream, or warm baked chocolate chip cookies with milk, or cornbread and bean stew.  Something to remind them of a simpler, happier time.  Something that brings them comfort.  For me, all food is comfort food.  Had a bad day?  Let's eat.  Had a good day?  Let's eat.  Had an ok day?  Let's eat again.  It doesn't matter the occasion, the emotion, or the people I'm with.  Food brings me comfort.  Of course, certain foods do this more than others, but I simply love eating.

So.  For the past four months, I have been re-wiring the way I think about food.  I still LOVE food.  That will never change.  But even just the little things.  Going to coffee with friends does not mean I need a scone with that coffee.  Going to the movies doesn't mean I should get popcorn and nachos with my diet coke.  Slowly it is becoming less of a conscious decision for me to not do these things.  And sometimes I still do them, and it's ok.  But I'm learning to enjoy things I love without always involving food with them.  That is a process.  One I'm still learning and may always be learning.

It is difficult at times, but also incredibly freeing.

Sorry for the scattered thoughts on the subject.  And thanks to my friend, Lindsey, for listening when I was sorting through some of these thoughts.

No More Negative Thinking

I once read an article that talked about how the majority of women think abusive thoughts about themselves daily.  Things such as, "I'm too fat," or "I'm so ugly," or even "I'm so stupid."  Few of us would allow another person to speak to us this way, yet we are so quick to allow our inner dialogue be incredibly hateful and toxic.  Some people allow this to pervade their thoughts so much, that they start saying it out loud in everyday conversation.  Forgetting that nobody really wants to hear another person's negativity toward themselves.

I think we are all a little guilty of this at times.  I know I am.  My daily inner dialogue toward myself isn't always very nice-- sometimes it's downright hateful.  There are days I'm way too hard on myself, and instead of being proud of how far I've come, I think of how far I haven't gone... how I've failed in this or that area.  I criticize my appearance, how I should be thinner, or wish I had a longer waist, how I wish I were funnier or more outgoing, or any other number of "flaws" I see about myself.

And how petty.  I hung out with a few friends last night, and we discussed how our lives are so easy compared to so many other people in the world.  And because of that, I think we look for so many other things to be unhappy about that really aren't that important.  I think it's what we jokingly refer to as "first world problems."  Not to diminish how difficult it is to be a woman dealing with body image in our society (I know as well as any of you, that is NOT easy).  But aren't there more important things to worry about?

Of course, I would love it if I had lost an additional 10 pounds by now.  But that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy and feel sorry for myself, paralyzed by my own self-loathing.  It doesn't mean I can't do something today to make someone else happy.  It doesn't mean my family and friends love me any less.  It doesn't make my life less happy, less fulfilled.  It doesn't diminish any of the blessings that I have, yet I allow it to.  I allow my own selfish, hateful thoughts toward myself to crowd out so many other wonderful things in life!  I'm determined to stop that today.  I'm going to work on that, and I hope you will too.

Because really, though life is hard and we do deal with a lot of difficulties along the way, I also believe that there is so much good out there that we don't tap into or we allow it to be tainted because we're so self-focused. (how many of you, upon remembering a wonderful vacation with family or friends, also remember how fat you felt during that time?)  I don't want to down-play what so many women, myself included, go through on a daily basis with photo-shopped images telling us what we should look like.  But I do want to stop allowing any of that negative thinking to play such a huge role in my life.  That's got to stop.

This Body

A lot of things have had me thinking about the concept of body image in the past week.

Mine in particular, and how it has changed over the years.

Growing up, I was skinny.  I loved to eat (especially sweets) and therefore always carried a little "sugar belly," yet I always remained stick thin otherwise.  Because I'm so tall, I had a lot of growing to do before I ever filled out.  So I was very skinny all throughout high school.  I did begin to fill out somewhat in my sophomore year, though it was nothing to brag about.  In fact, it was more disturbing to me.

Before this time, I never once in all my life thought about food and how it might make me fat, or compared my body to other girls.  Not once had any of this entered my mind.  I don't know what changed, but I remember looking in the mirror one day and realizing something.  I didn't look like a model.  My thighs weren't stick thin like they used to be.  I was now a whopping size four, pushing a six.  My stomach was chubby.  Had something changed, or was I only just now noticing these "horrible flaws?"

I put myself on a diet.  At age 15, five foot eleven inches and 145 pounds, I put myself on a diet.  I even went through a short period of about a month where I was teetering around borderline anorexic behavior.  I remember going to sleep at night, my stomach practically eating away at itself because I was so hungry.  Somehow (and thankfully), this kind of living became tiresome to me so I quit-- at least the extremeness of it.  I went to my grandparents' for Christmas and for the first time in a few months, let myself enjoy food.  I knew then that food was something I wasn't ever going to give up for anything.

Over the next year, I continued to count calories.  I wanted to make sure I stayed within my daily calorie quota so I wouldn't get fat (never MIND that I was never fat in the first place?!).  During my junior year I put myself on a sugar fast from October until Thanksgiving.  I did it again from March until May.  I trained for the River Run so I could stay thin and maybe even lose weight.  Then that summer in 2004, I went on the South Beach Diet.  I lasted several months on that, but had an epiphany one day that I was 17 years old, thin, and didn't need to be on a diet.  Ever.

So I gave all of it up.  The dieting, the calorie counting, but not the exercising.  I gave that up once I was half-way through college due to time constraints and lack of willpower.  I stayed thin all through high school and most of college, mostly because I had a good metabolism.  Was I stick-thin?  Nope.  But I was thin.  My eating habits weren't healthy, but I was happy because at least I ate what I wanted and didn't feel guilty about it.  If you've never tried it before, I can tell you it is immensely liberating.

Though I've never clinically suffered an eating disorder, I do believe throughout the years I have at times suffered from what they call disordered eating.  I've gone on Weight Watchers twice since college.  Both times I'm convinced did more harm than good.  All of the other time in between I've been afraid to start any sort of lifestyle change, because I didn't want to fall into the same controlled, guilt-ridden mindset that always came with diets in the past.

I've written a lot of posts over the past few years concerning body image.  All of which were written during a time where I was not eating healthy, nor was I exercising.  And I don't regret that time at all.  I have wondered if I'm hypocritical for my efforts over this summer to become healthy and active, and lose weight.  Did this mean I had to take back everything I said?  That I had to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong?

No.

Because I wasn't wrong.  I believe all of it-- the horrible diets, the weight losses and gains--was just part of the journey for me.  There wasn't a person who could have talked me into or out of any of those behaviors.  And when they did, I suffered my greatest failures.  You see, during the past few years, I learned to love myself.  When I wasn't focusing on my weight, or calories, I had more energy to devote to other things.  You're right, I was unhealthy.  But I truly learned to love myself, that I had more to contribute to the world than a flat stomach and thigh gap.  And I came to the realization eventually that it was time to treat this body that I love in a way that it really deserved.

That's what the past few months have been about.  I've experienced peoples' approval and disapproval in the past few weeks of my weight loss, as well as my healthy eating habits.  Sometimes the approval is appreciated, other times it comes across in an "it's-about-time" kind of manner.  But I do feel like I've finally come to a point where approval or disapproval-- I don't really give a damn what people think.

It's been 11 years since the first time I thought my body wasn't good enough.  I've spent a lot of that time hating my body, then learning to love it.  Now I'm learning to treat my body like I love it.

It's mine for life.

Transforming Myself for the Better

All right, I'm back and after only a day!

Since I've started my journey toward being healthy, I've had a lot of people ask me just how I've done it.  I think maybe they expect to hear I've gone on some cleanse or extreme diet.  That there's some magic food or pill I've found that helped me drop the weight.

Honestly, the answer is simple and hard at the same time.  I've exercised a 5-6 days a week, and eaten intuitively.  I've done it the long, hard way.  In other words, instead of a crash diet that would have had me dropping this weight in half the time, I've worked very hard and ate healthily to get to where I am.  Because I've crash dieted in the past and failed, I knew that was something I didn't want to do.  I wanted this to be a true lifestyle change.  Not the ones you hear about on TV where "lifestyle change" barely even fits into your actual lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted to still be able to go out with friends and have a drink or a big meal and not beat myself up about it.  In other words, I have my cake and eat it too-- but I get up the next day and pick back up my healthy eating habits.  I don't allow it to be a daily occurrence like it once was.

For me this was not just about wanting to "look hot."  Sure, I want to look my best.  But my weight was giving me a myriad of health problems.  My lack of activity was beginning to rear its ugly head in the form of health problems no 26-year-old should be dealing with.  If this was as good as it was going to get, then I was going to be really depressed about life.  No, I want to feel young and healthy and energetic.  And I didn't.

I decided to go ahead and upload some photos.  I have some "before" ones, but honestly I still can't bring myself to let anyone see them.  I still feel like that girl... my self esteem hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me yet.  I'll get there.

This was taken in late June.  When I was first seeing results from my efforts.  I rewarded myself by getting a new workout outfit at Gap and of course, taking a selfie in the dressing room mirror. 

Swimming with my sister.  This is just from a few days ago.  I felt so good! 

See?  I do eat sweets sometimes!  This was from Kilwin's-- I can't remember what it was called but it had milk chocolate, pecans, and caramel.  I also had fro-yo right after.  Delish. 

From dinner on that same night- a mojito.  Again, I like to indulge sometimes! 

And from today.  My wardrobe has basically gone down to nothing so I had to go to Target for some affordable clothes.  Sad that I now have a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear, but I'm excited about starting to build a new one! 

And I decided to fancy it up on Instagram with a filter and border.  Makes my life look so whimsical, doesn't it!  Less classy though when you realize it's a selfie in the Target dressing room.  And I bought both of the above outfits.

I don't usually let a month go by without posting anything here.  I haven't really had a whole lot to say. I've been busy with working and living life.  Doing a lot of thinking, taking care of myself.

I feel like I'm in the best place I've been in a long time-- maybe ever.  I feel better than I've ever felt.  I've made strides I didn't think I could make.

I've kept up with my walking all summer.  This week I changed it to running, and amazed myself by running a mile straight-- two different days.  It doesn't sound like much but for me, it is.  I know that the extra weight I was carrying was holding me back from being able to do that.  Something that I thought would be impossible a few months ago I have been able to do, and it wasn't even that hard.  I'm already starting to think about possible 5k runs.  This would never have been the case three months ago!

And another new activity I've added this week: swimming.  I love it!  My sister Hannah is training for a light triathlon and asked me if I would want to swim with her to help keep her motivated.  Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it, plus it's great exercise!  I've been needing something new for awhile now.  Variation keeps me from getting bored, and makes me love being active!

So I'm celebrating small victories this week.  I think the small victories really are the biggest ones.  They have come when I've least expected them, and resulted from a lot of hard work.

Health Tips

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional at this and realize that different methods work for different people.  This is just from my own experiences with my health, and I thought that it might help someone else as well.  Because none of us are perfect and I'm gonna be real with you about my health and my choices (because sometimes, you just gotta enjoy a really good cheeseburger!).

So, as I've been changing up my diet and lifestyle I've definitely been finding ways to do it and ways to not do it.

Of course in the past, I've talked about how controlling I've been before with my diet once I start focusing on that.  So controlling I reach the point of being malnourished and starving, and end up completely falling off the wagon with one binge.  So, what's been different this time around?  I thought I'd put together a list of the things I've found helpful that work for me.

First of all, not thinking of this as a diet.  In fact, there are no foods that are off limits for me.  Sometimes I even have a lot of the food most would consider "bad" (I don't like to think of any food as bad-- if it tastes good and I enjoy it, just because it isn't the healthiest doesn't mean it's bad).  Once I start thinking like that, the days that I don't eat those foods become easier.  Saying no becomes easier, because I know that in a few days at dinner with friends or at a family function, I will get to enjoy something I really want.

Walking has become a great form of exercise for me.  I started out walking because I wanted to start running.  I knew I was nowhere near enough in shape for running, so I would walk first and build up.  As time went by, however, I realized how much I truly enjoy my walks.  And how much I completely hate running.  So why make myself miserable by trying to cave to the pressure of being a runner (I've always felt like running is the hippest, most acceptable form of exercise, and all other exercise is inferior).  Ok, so walking longer distances takes longer than running them.  But I've found that it really makes me slow down and have time to myself that is totally uninterrupted.

Ok, so as a former fast food junkie and junk food lover, how have I found healthy foods that taste good?  Well, I simply eat the things I like that are healthy.  Keeping a dozen boiled eggs in the fridge, bananas and natural peanut butter, apples, as well as other healthy snacks on hand is helpful.  I find that cutting portions significantly doesn't work for me.  I'll always go back for more, and end up eating more than if I would just take what I want at the time.

And another thing?  I don't worry about fat content in food.  I'm not saying I just eat tons of high fat foods, but I think one of the biggest failures in the past for me was trying to cut fat out almost completely.  Talk about never feeling satisfied.

I think the number one thing I have done that has helped me the most is cutting out almost all processed, white carbs and sugar from my diet.  Believe me when I say I was eating a lot of that crap every day.  Lots of times every day.  Once I cut those from my diet, one of the first things I noticed was that I wasn't bloated anymore.  I didn't realize how much that stuff was wreaking havoc on my system.  Sometimes I still have some, but again-- not every day.

So those are my helpful tips when going healthy.  At least it's what works for me.  Different things work for different people.  I know some people can't allow themselves access to any of their favorite foods at all.  Some people have to have a little cheat food every day.  It's different for everyone, but I thought I'd just share the things I've learned and adapted to my own lifestyle in the past several weeks.

I have lost about 16 pounds so far, but honestly the best thing I've gotten out of this is how good I am feeling.  Of course, I've dealt with people making rude comments.  But the energy that I now have is the best thing I could ask for.  And that isn't to say I don't have bad days.  I had one last week, as you know if you follow my blog.  But overall I feel like my health and well-being has done a 180 and that feels good.