Random Musings

Day shift life.  I have to say, it suits me well.  I have pretty much transitioned completely.  I'm happy to say I no longer need to take anything to help me sleep!  Which is a huge victory for me after struggles with insomnia for almost two years.  Since I've been off the sleeping meds, I've noticed my energy levels are much better during the day than they were before.  Yay!

As for an update compared to my last post, I'm doing better than I was then.  Not that I'm past it, but some days are simply better than others.  Taking a break from running was great for my mental health in some ways, but I think when your body is used to those endorphins, it's hard to not have that when they're gone.

Unfortunately this week my right achilles has decided to flare up for no good reason.  Well, maybe training for a marathon is a good reason, but it is extremely frustrating as I now feel I am at a standstill with my training.  I'm currently debating whether or not a long run is even in the books for me tomorrow, which absolutely kills me.  I'm five weeks out from my marathon, and at this point if I'm having to opt out of long runs I'm just not sure this is something that I should continue pursuing for now.  I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.  If the best decision for my body is to take a break--a real, prolonged break-- then I need to swallow my pride and do what is best for my long-term fitness.

There's part of me that feels if I can just push through the next couple weeks, which are the peak of my training, and make it to tapering, then I can worry about this issue after.  I pushed through my left achilles issue for a month during my half IM training, and although I didn't see many gains in my speed during that time, I still was able to finish my race strong.  Do I do that this time around?  I don't know.

This is probably sounding like the silliest problem one can have, but I'm torn because I have trained for 9 weeks since my triathlon, and so to just STOP is really hard.  I'm SO close and have worked so hard.  And so I don't know what I should do.

In other news, on Sunday night I went and watched the Ironman Coeur d'Alene finish line for a couple of hours.  Inspiring!  Seeing the emotion on athletes' faces as they approached the finish line was incredible.  I could relate to it on a small level from my half Ironman.  As I watched them finish, I felt inspired that maybe someday I will do a full Ironman myself.  I don't know when, but I know I want to do one now.  (I know... I know.  I said I would never do it.)

I'm thinking about 2017 and what I want to do as far as races go.  After doing Spartan a few weeks back with friends, I've been asked by them to do a Trifecta next year (do all 3 Spartan races in a calendar year).  And honestly, I don't know what I want to do.  I feel like there are too many options! Do I want to race triathlons?  Marathons?  Half marathons?  Spartan races?

Or do I want to just take 2017 to enjoy life with people.  Go on spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with friends.  Make last-minute travel plans.  Explore more of the PNW as I haven't gotten to do much of this year.  Go on hikes, go camping, backpacking.  Take care of myself.  Work on my relationship with food and my body image.  When I'm "in training" those things are less possible.  They take a back seat to a training regimen.

There's plenty of time to decide of course, but these are all things I am thinking about right now.  On top of that, I'm starting to see my time here in Spokane becoming more limited as I'm not sure what the next step in my life is going to be.

Life has fallen into a very mundane routine since training has ended.  I have started my marathon training.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy but to be honest, it's turning out to be harder than I expected.  Training for a 70.3 certainly took up a lot more time and effort.  And towards the end included close to 30 miles of running in addition to biking and swimming.

So what gives that this plan seems so hard right now?  I ran fourteen miles today, pushing this week's mileage to 29, and I was definitely riding the struggle bus.  These long runs the past few weeks have been among my slowest-paced runs in a long time.  My mid-week shorter runs are the fastest pace I've been able to keep up in ages, however.  Either way I'm not getting discouraged about it, especially considering my long runs are on the hilliest route I know.  I'm trusting that I am building a lot of strength on those runs.

I'm definitely excited to continue training and pushing myself each week.  Although it's hard, my life does not feel consumed at all by this training.  It is still enjoyable, despite how hard it is.  I am unsure my body fully recovered from the 70.3 before jumping into training, which sort of has been a domino effect of feeling constantly fatigued.  Who knows.

I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to jump back into my old gym routine, but I'm not worried about it.  The prospect of losing muscle tone isn't something I want to be a concern or obsession of mine.  I know that I will eventually be able to fit that back into my life again, but adding that to my training right now will make me feel consumed.  So for now, I am happy with where I am at.

Life and Change

Time continues to fly, and here we are in November already.  The start of the Holidays is just around the corner.  I can't believe it!

I got a little sad today as I drove around town seeing the vibrant fall colors.  The wind is fierce today, and a lot of the leaves are being blown off the trees.  Soon they will all be bare.  Living in Spokane and having four seasons has been really amazing for me.  And I'm learning that, although I love winter, there is something very sad about seeing the leaves falling off of the trees.  Maybe it's symbolic of the change that I am always so resistant to.  Good change or bad change, I struggle with it.

Speaking of change, I recently started a new job!  It is a much less stressful place, and one that is very supportive of nurses and patient safety.  I am taking care of veterans at the VA.  I consider it an honor.  However, it was hard for me to leave my old job.  I had been living with constant stress and losing sleep during those last months there, so it was definitely change that was necessary and good.  I look forward to this new chapter.

Training continues on, and I'm loving it!  I ran ten miles this morning and maybe it was the rain, but I felt amazing!  Usually the longer distances are a real struggle, but my body felt strong and I felt motivated.  I enjoy that feeling when it comes, because it doesn't happen very often.  There are days that running three miles is a struggle (which always blows my mind).  I've been attending spinning classes once or twice a week at my gym.  Saturday mornings are my intense 2-hour ones.  I love it.  

I'm training for the 70.3 but mostly I think I am just training to be a badass.

Woke up feeling under the weather today.  Sore throat, cough.  Just the beginning of what could be some sort of virus.  So I decided I will just lay low today.  Drink tons of water, take zicam and emergen-c, and drink immune-boosting tea.  I'm determined that this will not progress.  Otherwise I feel just fine, but I decided no working out today.  Which sucks for me, but this is also part of taking care of my body.  Recovery and rest, am I right?  I'm not much good if I get sick.

I was talking with my sister over the weekend about my upcoming Iron Man 70.3.  She asked me, "What's your motivation and goals in doing this?"

Many things of course come to mind.  But the first thing I thought of was the sense of purpose and fulfillment I get out of training for something that is physically demanding.  Proving to myself each day that I'm stronger than I think.  Fighting through the hard days where I feel weaker than I am.  Being better than I was the day before.  Getting stronger.  I don't know, there is just something that has been so amazing about the past three months for me in lifting and training for the half marathon.  I have gotten a taste of what that life is like, and I want more.

I spent years thinking I couldn't do big things.  I always had a desire deep down to do things like this, but I wasn't "that girl."  I was the one who ate junk food and abhorred exercise of any kind.  That was me and it was the box I felt like I was stuck in.  I still feel like I'm that same person, and it comes out in the things I say about myself.  My friend called me out on it the other day.  In conversation, when running and lifting come up, I constantly tell people that I'm really not that fit, or strong, or athletic.  And Haley said, "You've got to stop saying those things because you are really fit!"

It was something I needed to hear, because I still have the bad habit of tearing myself down.  Of down-playing the things I have accomplished.  It is good to acknowledge that.

I'm chomping at the bit today because I feel like a day of rest will set me back, but that is a toxic mindset I must rid myself of.  Rest is an essential part of training.  Especially on days when you are sick.  Pushing through that will do no good in the long run.

Half Marathon and New Goals

Well, I finished my very first half marathon on Sunday!

Official time: 2:05:37.  My goal was 2:10, and I beat it.  Crossing that finish line was exhilerating.  One of the best experiences I've ever had.

And I'm not stopping there.  I am signed up for the Iron Man 70.3 (that is a Half Iron Man) next summer.  And there's no off-season for that one.  Pre-training already started.  I have more strength to build before then, more endurance to work toward.  I can't get complacent for the winter.  Each day is going to be one step closer to the 70.3 and I am excited.

It's going to be hard, I know that.  I already spent two hours of my morning in a kick-ass spinning class followed by weights.  It was hard.  And that's only the beginning.

But I'm so excited!  Learning my limits and then pushing past them has been amazing!  I want to keep getting better and I can't wait to see how the next nine months goes!

A Bit of Discouragement

Disouraging, discouraging week on the fitness front around here.  Wow, let me just say that while hard work pays off in many ways, slacking in other areas has its consequences.

My motivation was in the drain this morning as a result, but I forced myself to go work out and go for a run afterward.  I felt pretty good while I was lifting, but my run just had me pretty much defeated... even though it was a short one.  I finished, but not strong.  Yikes.  Here's hoping this is only a temporary setback because let me tell you... it does not feel good.  Most of all I know that this is the time when it is easiest to give up because it feels like it's not working.  But the thing is, I have still seen AMAZING results, made incredible strides, and am still making gains.  Yay!

I'm working on some new strategies for holding myself accountable.  And by accountable, yes I mean accountable on what I am eating on a daily basis.  I honestly thought I was doing so well, but after really thinking about the past few weeks and being honest with myself, I started to remember multiple instances of indulging just a little too much.  Stressful nights at work when I gave in to emotional eating.  Getting an extra sweet here and there... adding up to multiple times in a short time.  Over all, YES I have been eating healthy.  But there have been too many of those "in-between" times that I thought were just the exception, only to realize they were becoming the norm.

I've identified the times when I know it is hardest.  Evenings at home, being out with friends, and extra stressful OR extra slow nights at work.  So I'm working on what I need to do in order to not overeat, emotionally eat, or eat out of boredom.  I think just identifying those triggers for me is absolutely key.  Putting a plan into action is the next key!

But I'm doing great otherwise!  New change is coming... change I am oh-so-excited about!  More later!

Another Day

I definitely have had a most encouraging day today... something I definitely needed.  I'm still sad, of course, and still very emotionally drained.

I forgot to post about my latest results with the gym!  I weighed in last week and as I suspected, I actually put on some weight.  But my body fat percentage has dropped over two points (which would explain my cycle being off) and I've put on six pounds of muscle while losing two pounds of fat.  I could hardly believe that.  At this point, I'm thinking-- screw skinny!  I want to be stronger!

Now I'm taking it all with a grain of salt, because not every month will look like that.  I already feel the numbers game creeping up on me, but the numbers on the scale no longer mean nearly as much to me and that in and of itself is a huge freedom.  I've discovered that even if I perhaps "slip up" and am not as healthy in my eating habits, that I don't beat myself up about it.  In a lot of my research, eating a lot is very important when you are trying to build muscle.  So I feel that even if it means not losing unwanted weight, it most certainly will help with gaining the good kind.  Those numbers are much easier to deal with if you ask me.

Eventually I do want to work toward losing fat, but I've decided right now gaining muscle is my priority.  In fact it is the best way to increase your metabolism so that losing fat is possible.  I'm in it for the long haul.  Not looking for overnight results.  My trainer put together a meal plan for me that I was so tempted to throw back in her face.  Full of foods I don't care to eat, along with fake sweeteners, processed carbs, and almost all low-fat or fat-free items.  Sadly I am probably going to end up BS-ing that part.  I don't want to seem like I'm fighting against her, because she really is an awesome trainer.  But I have done plenty of my own research in nutrition, not to mention I consult with my sister who happens to be studying as a dietitian and is in her internship now.

Anyway.  As far as how I'm doing, well I'm ok.  Like I said, I'm definitely sad... I have peace, but I am sad and I am pretty lonely as well.  I've pretty much been pouring my time into staying busy as much as possible with running, working out, friends, reading.  I have picked up reading the Harry Potter books again, which is always a good world to get lost in when you are sad.  I know that there will be brighter days ahead, so I will keep on keeping on over here.

Valley Girl Triathlon 2015: In the Books!

 Well, I did it!  I successfully completed my very first triathlon sprint!  1/3 mile swim, 12-mile bike ride, and 3 mile run.  I can hardly believe it still, even after the last two months of hard work I put in for it.  And I had the time of my life.  Crossing that finish line was the best feeling in the world.

I did no elite time, of course.  In fact, my bike time was what kept me from making a really good time, which I'm still just a *little* upset about.  The breakdown was 12:07 swim, 1:00:31 bike, and 28:25 run.  My first transition time was 6:42 and second was 3:05.  All for a total of 1:50:50.

But now I know what I need to work on.  I loved it.  Every minute of it, it was so exhilerating!  I'm finding myself ready to take on another.  Already looking to do an olympic triathlon next year, and I may possibly be doing another sprint here in a few weeks.

This week I'm mostly resting, with maybe some swimming since it will be less stressful on my body than running or biking.  I have been pushing it pretty hard, because I've been doing much longer runs within my triathlon training as I am hoping to do a half or full marathon in October (most likely just the half).  The last few days just before the triathlon I did begin to experience a very slight pain in my foot. I monitored if VERY closely, in fact I was texting my friends telling them that I might have to back out of the race.  I learned a lesson last year, a very hard one.  However on race day my foot felt better, although still a slight ache.  I went ahead with the race, knowing I would give myself a rest when it was done.

And I'm following through on that.  I honestly do not believe it is more than a pulled muscle or something very minor like that, but I am too scared to injure it further by pushing it.  Which is why I will most likely be only doing a half marathon, as the training will be much less intense.  I am certainly ready for a new challenge, but not to push myself beyond my limits.  I love being active too much to do that to myself and I want to take care of my body.

So today, I am just enjoying the satisfaction of finishing the race.  Working toward a goal and achieving it.  Not perfectly, but to the best of my ability and that's all I can really ask for.  I will enjoy my rest this week.

Summer is in full force here in Spokane!  With highs of 106 today  (and highs of 100 for most of the rest of the week) I can honestly say that I have rarely experienced temperatures like this.  Not even in Florida.  Of course one must clarify that in Florida you deal with humidity which automatically means that even 85 degrees there feels worse than this.  But either way... this weather is absolutely brutal and today I will be staying inside as much as possible.  Yes, I have become one of those.  Thank goodness today happens to be a rest day in my training.

I forgot just how hard it is to exercise in the heat.  My friend Haley and I went for a run last night.  We decided to wait until after 8:00 in order to avoid the worst of the heat.  Yeah, it was still 99 when we started.  And for the first time in awhile, I hit a wall.  I'm talking slow... tired... and nauseated.  Amazingly I finished without walking but only because I was with someone else.  We both agreed it was a good idea we ran together!  Haley is training for a marathon and so I've done some of her long runs with her (she's still 15 weeks out so not too far up in the mileage).  I joked that maybe I should join her for the rest of her training... ha!  No, no marathons for this girl.  I think I might do the half marathon though.  We shall see.

Triathlon training is still going strong.  Only two more weeks to go!  I saw great progress this week with swimming.  I had been incredibly discouraged and felt like I wasn't going to be able to do the triathlon because of it.  I'm still pretty nervous about the swimming portion but not nearly as much as before.  I just need to make sure to get in a couple more good swims before the next two weeks is up.

Training has continued to be truly enjoyable.  I can't say it's always fun.  There are certainly days I just feel exhausted and unmotivated to do any of it.  But I am really loving the challenge and the sense of accomplishment when I finish a hard workout.  It's certainly been very therapeutic for me... taught me many things about my body, fueling it, and then taking care of it for recovery.

Anyway, besides that, I was able to make it out to Seattle this week to visit a friend who was there visiting some of his friends!  It was lots of fun and a very nice getaway.  Living out here, I do miss having old friends around, especially ones who somewhat understand what and where you come from. The Northwest and the South are two very different places, and often there are things about me that people out here just don't quite "get" as a result.

I'm right in the middle of 8 days off, enjoying my time.  I don't go back to work until Thursday, which I am most excited for!  Happy summer!

Triathlon Training

It seems the trend in my life lately has been giving myself a break.

A break from dating, a break from striving... and now a break from working to attain a certain body image ideal. Yes, that's something that always seems to be lurking in the back of my mind.  If I'm not trying to attain it, I'm feeling just a little bit guilty because I'm not trying to attain it.

For right now, my focus is 100% on training for my triathlon.  Although perhaps to most seasoned tri-athletes a sprint is a piece of cake, in all reality the training for it is pretty intense-- even for someone who just came off of Bloomsday training.  It takes dedication and time and commitment.  The training itself is time-consuming, not to mention the work it takes to eat enough and eat the right foods to sustain my body during work-outs.  And it's most certainly a lot of trial and error.

Last night was my first time doing two consecutive events in a row.  I biked 12 miles, then immediately ran 3.1 miles.  Honestly, the run was easier than the biking, which surprised me.  Probably because my body is already conditioned for running.  These quads and hamstrings are still learning how to cycle uphill... which is a real bitch let me tell you!  I felt awesome after finishing up that work-out, but a few hours later I definitely could tell I'm going to need some work with my nutrition and hydration surrounding those prolonged periods of activity.  Like I said, it's a lot of trial and error but I'm really enjoying it.

I'm amazed at how strong my body is.  I never thought I would be capable of even training for a triathlon.  My younger sister did one a couple years ago while I was just beginning to get into shape.  I remember being jealous of her for being able to do something so amazing.  And thinking I would probably never get to that point in my journey.  At that time, I felt like I had to get my body into a certain shape (i.e. lean, which in my mind meant skinny at the time) before even thinking about something like that.  And to a point, I have had to get to the place I'm at to be able to train like this.  A year ago (although I was thinner) my eating was so erratic in its fluctuations between unhealthy binging and ultra-healthy control, that my body would never have tolerated such sustained levels of activity.  I probably would have run my metabolism into the ground trying something like this.

I don't want to get too ahead of myself as I still have a month to go before I can even say I've completed a triathlon.  But most of the journey is the training, so I can at least speak from this experience.  And I can tell you, training is fun!  How did no one ever tell me just how much fun it could be?  Or did they and I just never believed them?  Anyway... for now I'm simply thankful to have a body strong enough to go through this.  I never want to take being active for granted.  Not everyone gets this privilege.

Bloomsday 2015

Bloomsday: Success!

The course itself was a bit more of a challenge than I had expected.  My fast goal was to get 1:10, but realistically I thought 1:15 would be my actual time.  However, once the race started, the combination of trying to get around the slower crowds in the first mile (since I had no prior Bloomsday time, I was placed in the group behind where I probably otherwise should have started) and the dreaded Doomsday Hill (which turned out to be much harder than I was anticipating) made me think that I'd be lucky if I broke 1:20.  So despite the multiple hills and again, losing my stride here and there thanks to inconsiderate runners, I found a pace and just stuck with it.

I didn't time myself so I wasn't really sure of my official time until last night, which was 1:14:39.  I broke my 1:15 goal!  I feel that if I do more hill training, I could probably hit 1:10 next year.  But we'll think about that when the time is closer.  For now I'm just basking in the satisfaction of finishing the race strong.  And maybe looking at when my next race can be.  :)

Training for Bloomsday really was fun.  I mean, not the most exciting thing, of course.  But there really is something to be said for setting goals and meeting them each week.  For me every week of training was a huge accomplishment.  But to finish the race was an even bigger accomplishment.  I can see why people do these races over and over again.

I was exhausted... completely exhausted after that race.  Even today, I just feel like I got hit by a truck.  It amazes me because I've run almost that entire distance three different times in the past few weeks.  I wonder if part of it is the adrenaline of a race, and then the crash.  I'm just laying low today.  I've been cooking a bit since I'm starting a Whole10 to kind of clean up my eating.  Otherwise, just relaxing.  Maybe even a nap.

A Journey

So last night, this happened:

I've been working on the crow pose for a few weeks now.  Apart from my regular practice (and I've got the bruises around my knees to prove it!) every night before bed, I have worked on attempting this pose.  Last night something finally clicked and I was able to hold my balance here for about seven seconds.

It's the first arm balance pose I've been able to do.  And even though it might not seem like a big deal, to me it is!  In fact, check out this picture I took of myself almost two years ago to the day:

That's from April of 2013.  Just a month before I really had to examine my life, my health (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) and make some real changes.  This picture was in the ER back in Florida, after I spent a night in excruciating back pain before having to call EMS because I couldn't even walk out of my apartment with my mom's help to get to a doctor.  This moment was one of the wake-up calls it took for me to take it seriously.  And the girl in that picture probably would have laughed at the idea of practicing yoga.  And most certainly wouldn't have been able to imagine doing the crow pose.

The journey between those two pictures has been a long, hard one.  Little decisions in day-to-day life have gotten me where I am.  Not some huge, drastic over-night change.  It's been baby steps.  Failures.  Trying again.  Injuries.  Learning not to push myself too hard.  And learning kindness toward myself as a result.  And it makes me excited to see where I will be in this journey a year from now, or two years from now.  It's exciting when fitness no longer becomes about aesthetics... because that is NOT what fitness means.

I was given one body for this life.  That's how I look at it.  And I have two choices when it comes to my fitness.  I can be consumed with how flat my stomach is, how toned my thighs are, whether my face is thin enough, my arms lean enough, etc... or I can simply get out there and MOVE!  Enjoy a run with the wind blowing, sun shining... or even a run through the rain, which also happens to be one of my favorite things.  Celebrate the victories of a new PR or finally running the longest distance I have since high school. (seven miles!)  Take a nice long bike ride and enjoy the feeling of freedom it gives me.  Master a balance pose in yoga that I've been working on for weeks.  Recognize my limitations when it comes to where I'm at in my fitness to avoid injury.  Not beat myself up for enjoying dessert and drinks along with wonderful conversation with friends.  I think I know which life I want for myself.

Because that's the life that makes me happy.  That's the life that is free from self-hatred, constant feelings of failure, body-hate, food issues, and more.  It's the life where I feel beautiful and free and completely myself.  That's the journey I want to be on.

Insonnia, stress, and victories!

Been dealing with some really frustrating insomnia as of late.  I'm not sure why... there seems to be a heaviness weighing on me the past few days and it won't let up.  I think it's mostly related to the upcoming traveling (I'm going to St. Louis Wednesday, fly back four days later and then after that going to Hawaii for a week) and then immediately after that a huge cross-country move.  I feel like my mind is constantly going a hundred miles an hour, dwelling on everything that needs to be done in the next month instead of just taking things one day at a time.  I go to sleep at night exhausted, but I'm waking up between three and four almost every day, after tossing and turning all night.  Anyway... hopefully it will end soon.

On a more positive note... after being out for an entire month, I've been able to start running again!  Small amounts, but it's running and it feels good and my foot has felt pretty good so far!  I ran a mile on Friday, then a mile and a half yesterday.  I don't think I'll do more than two miles at a time for a couple weeks.  I don't want to overdo it, and find myself back to square one or with an even worse injury.  Even though I'm frustrated (I feel so out of shape, therefore I've gained a little weight, which makes me feel worse... but it's not the end of the world!!!) the worst thing I can do is push myself too hard.

And that's another thing I'm working on.  I tend to go all or nothing when it comes to exercise and "taking care" of my body.  And I'm working on being kind to myself.  I love my body... and although it's not in the exact shape I would like for it to be right now, I'm not loving it or taking care of it if I push myself beyond my limits and then injure my body.  Honestly, that's probably why it got injured in the first place.  Overuse injury most likely.  So if I love my body, I'll take care of it.  Which means I won't be running five miles for quite some time now, and that's ok.  I'm going to celebrate the small victories as they come.  And this week's victory is just being able to get back out there!

So all this insomnia has me doing a lot more thinking, so hopefully at least I'll pay a bit more attention to this blog.  Not that I expect people to be that interested in what I have to say here, but it is nice to just kind of get things off my chest.

it's a journey

Since starting travel nursing, running has become a new hobby of mine.  That's definitely not a something I ever thought I would say, but here I am saying it.  I feel as though I've had a breakthrough with fitness.  Seeing it as a way to challenge and push myself, achieve goals, break my own personal records.  And learning that it isn't about pushing my body to achieve a specific size and shape.

Yesterday I went running-- five miles (more than I've run in years)-- in the snow, ice, and rain.  Call me crazy, but I actually do enjoy running in conditions other than hot and humid (take that, Florida!).  I indulged in a little self-promotion that I rarely allow myself to do on facebook, and bragged on myself just a bit.  I then included the statement that I felt badass because less than a year ago I was overweight and sedentary.  And while I got plenty of likes for that status (because well, duh, that's why we post!) one comment stood out to me more than all of those likes.  Essentially the gyst of this comment was that I was never overweight to begin with.

Of course, then I felt a bit silly.  

I know I was never obese.  I realize I don't know what it's like to be 30, 50, or 100+ pounds overweight.  I've never claimed to.  But I was a sedentary, over-eating and yes, overweight girl.  I was unhealthy, even though I might not have admitted it at the time.  I could barely walk a mile without being short of breath.  I would bend over to tie my shoes and breathing became difficult.  I felt stuck, I felt trapped.  I felt like I would try to make extreme changes only to make even bigger failures and then feel even worse about myself.  When I reached my breaking point last May when even my biggest clothes were way too small and I barely recognized who I saw in pictures, I knew something had to change.  So I began a journey, one that I'm still on, and one that I'm still learning to navigate and probably always will.

I remember thinking to myself, "I'm 25 years old.  Is this the prime of my life?  Is this as good as it will get for me?"  And I resolved that the latter part of my twenties would be better.  That I would take care of myself.  Every day is different.  There are days I don't have a hard time with it at all.  And days where I still wish I could just eat a whole pizza, ice cream and cake, and just not care.  And sometimes I allow myself those (smaller) indulgences, and it's ok.  But every day is part of my journey toward being a better, healthier person.