Random Musings

Day shift life.  I have to say, it suits me well.  I have pretty much transitioned completely.  I'm happy to say I no longer need to take anything to help me sleep!  Which is a huge victory for me after struggles with insomnia for almost two years.  Since I've been off the sleeping meds, I've noticed my energy levels are much better during the day than they were before.  Yay!

As for an update compared to my last post, I'm doing better than I was then.  Not that I'm past it, but some days are simply better than others.  Taking a break from running was great for my mental health in some ways, but I think when your body is used to those endorphins, it's hard to not have that when they're gone.

Unfortunately this week my right achilles has decided to flare up for no good reason.  Well, maybe training for a marathon is a good reason, but it is extremely frustrating as I now feel I am at a standstill with my training.  I'm currently debating whether or not a long run is even in the books for me tomorrow, which absolutely kills me.  I'm five weeks out from my marathon, and at this point if I'm having to opt out of long runs I'm just not sure this is something that I should continue pursuing for now.  I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.  If the best decision for my body is to take a break--a real, prolonged break-- then I need to swallow my pride and do what is best for my long-term fitness.

There's part of me that feels if I can just push through the next couple weeks, which are the peak of my training, and make it to tapering, then I can worry about this issue after.  I pushed through my left achilles issue for a month during my half IM training, and although I didn't see many gains in my speed during that time, I still was able to finish my race strong.  Do I do that this time around?  I don't know.

This is probably sounding like the silliest problem one can have, but I'm torn because I have trained for 9 weeks since my triathlon, and so to just STOP is really hard.  I'm SO close and have worked so hard.  And so I don't know what I should do.

In other news, on Sunday night I went and watched the Ironman Coeur d'Alene finish line for a couple of hours.  Inspiring!  Seeing the emotion on athletes' faces as they approached the finish line was incredible.  I could relate to it on a small level from my half Ironman.  As I watched them finish, I felt inspired that maybe someday I will do a full Ironman myself.  I don't know when, but I know I want to do one now.  (I know... I know.  I said I would never do it.)

I'm thinking about 2017 and what I want to do as far as races go.  After doing Spartan a few weeks back with friends, I've been asked by them to do a Trifecta next year (do all 3 Spartan races in a calendar year).  And honestly, I don't know what I want to do.  I feel like there are too many options! Do I want to race triathlons?  Marathons?  Half marathons?  Spartan races?

Or do I want to just take 2017 to enjoy life with people.  Go on spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with friends.  Make last-minute travel plans.  Explore more of the PNW as I haven't gotten to do much of this year.  Go on hikes, go camping, backpacking.  Take care of myself.  Work on my relationship with food and my body image.  When I'm "in training" those things are less possible.  They take a back seat to a training regimen.

There's plenty of time to decide of course, but these are all things I am thinking about right now.  On top of that, I'm starting to see my time here in Spokane becoming more limited as I'm not sure what the next step in my life is going to be.

This recent study published in the New York Times caught my attention recently.  It reveals the slowed metabolisms of the contestants of Biggest Loser and how their bodies fight to go back to their previous weight.  I know that it has been known for a long time that our bodies have a "set point" which is extremely difficult to lower.

Then today, I saw this clip from the Today Show in which they interviewed Bob Harper.  It disgusted me... to be honest, it's almost triggering for me in my own disordered eating mindset I have lived in for so long.  Most of all at the end, this promotion of intermittent fasting.  Hey, wake up, starve yourself until lunch.  Sounds like a great idea.  His response to peoples' metabolism slowing down with weight loss?  "If you skip one meal, you could be offsetting that easily."  And his last comment, "Starchy carbs, sugar, is not a part of my diet, and it shouldn't be a part of yours."  Just... no.

I get it.  This has been what his entire career has been built on.  Weight loss through extreme diet and exercise.  He's not going to go on this show and say, "We did Biggest Loser all wrong!  I take it all back!"

I just cringe at the thought of the millions of people, overweight or not, who will watch this and instantly feel shame, guilt, and more over their own exercise and eating regimen.  Young people who might already be on the brink of eating disorders... people who are already in the throes of raging eating disorders... people who are already living a healthy, fit lifestyle, whose bodies may have settled comfortably into a weight that might not be considered lean and toned.  Bullshit like this can throw people into extremely unhealthy habits that start into a cycle of under-eating, restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.  I know, because I have been there and so have many others!  All the willpower in the world cannot prevent this cycle once it is in motion.

It's just scary to me that lifestyles like this are being promoted as healthy.  That we look up to people like Bob Harper.  I believe he means well.  He follows his own advice he doles out to people, which I suppose I have to give him some credit for, but that doesn't mean it's well-advised or healthy.  That doesn't mean this lifestyle fits in for the everyday person.  But the thing is-- he is nothing more than a celebrity with certifications in personal training.  He is not a dietitian, he does not have a degree, he is not a scientist.  Sadly, however, most Americans will continue to buy into this kind of bullshit sold by not only Bob Harper, but trainers and "fitness professionals" alike.

It really breaks my heart.

On a somewhat slow night at work last night, I took some time and read through some of my old blog posts on here.  I forgot how faithful I was blogging several times a week once upon a time.  My life was obviously much less busy in those days, but I got to thinking about how much I really miss blogging.  I don't keep a journal anymore, and I don't blog.  But I would really like to get back to updating this more regularly, and about more than just my work and training life.

I am such a different person today than I was when I started keeping up with this blog.  In the past two and a half years I have really grown into myself.  And because I haven't really kept up with writing down my thoughts throughout that time, so much of the process seems to be lost on me.  It's like, yes--travel nursing and moving across the country, seeing all kinds of new places, meeting all kinds of people, living independently-- it has changed me.  But when it comes to putting it into words for other people to understand?  I am at a loss.

I think about the beginning of my time as a travel nurse.  Driving across the country with my best friend, all of our stuff packed to the ceiling in my little Corolla.  That feeling of being both scared and excited at the same time, not knowing what was in store.  The loneliness that ensued for the next three months in California, the stress of the job assignment, the homesickness for familiarity.  The exploration of new cities week after week.  The boredom that came most days because we worked opposite schedules and the truth is, travel nursing is a lot less glamorous than it looks from the outside (as most things are).

Driving from California to Washington, the place I would eventually call home, though I didn't know it at the time.  I thought travel nursing was going to be an indefinite thing.  I thought maybe I'd take an assignment in Seattle, or start making my way back east by taking assignments in places like St. Louis or Cleveland.  

And in that time thinking I had met the man I would marry... putting a halt to my travels for him (at times I regret this decision, wondering where life would have taken me--although I don't dwell on it).  In that time experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows, feeling directionless, lonely, and hateful.

The saddest part of it all is I have become so disconnected from my life back home.  It isn't that I wanted to be disconnected, but that's what happens when one picks up and moves across the country. When your parents don't travel, and most of your friends save a few lose touch with you and you lose touch with them, everything you knew suddenly seems so far away.  And then you begin to question your entire belief system, something your entire life once revolved around.  Which has perhaps been the most alienating part of it all.

I'd like to get back to blogging regularly, regardless of whether or not anyone reads it.  I am resolving to sit down and write at least once or twice a week at the minimum.  So here goes nothing!

On Letting Go

Letting go is scary.

There is comfort in holding onto something, even after it is gone.  The past few months for me have felt like I still had my foot in the door, keeping it from closing completely.  Watching through the crack with a small glimmer of hope... but for what?  Shutting that door firmly and not looking back... there's finality and sadness in it.  But that is followed by peace.  Relief.  When you stop looking back, then you can finally look ahead.  See the amazing opportunities that are out there... the doors that are STILL open to you, or waiting for you to open them.

I don't want to spend my life looking back.  Living with what-ifs and could-haves and should-haves.  There is too much life to be lived for that.

And so I have let go.  Finally.

Life and Change

Time continues to fly, and here we are in November already.  The start of the Holidays is just around the corner.  I can't believe it!

I got a little sad today as I drove around town seeing the vibrant fall colors.  The wind is fierce today, and a lot of the leaves are being blown off the trees.  Soon they will all be bare.  Living in Spokane and having four seasons has been really amazing for me.  And I'm learning that, although I love winter, there is something very sad about seeing the leaves falling off of the trees.  Maybe it's symbolic of the change that I am always so resistant to.  Good change or bad change, I struggle with it.

Speaking of change, I recently started a new job!  It is a much less stressful place, and one that is very supportive of nurses and patient safety.  I am taking care of veterans at the VA.  I consider it an honor.  However, it was hard for me to leave my old job.  I had been living with constant stress and losing sleep during those last months there, so it was definitely change that was necessary and good.  I look forward to this new chapter.

Training continues on, and I'm loving it!  I ran ten miles this morning and maybe it was the rain, but I felt amazing!  Usually the longer distances are a real struggle, but my body felt strong and I felt motivated.  I enjoy that feeling when it comes, because it doesn't happen very often.  There are days that running three miles is a struggle (which always blows my mind).  I've been attending spinning classes once or twice a week at my gym.  Saturday mornings are my intense 2-hour ones.  I love it.  

I'm training for the 70.3 but mostly I think I am just training to be a badass.

Summer is in full force here in Spokane!  With highs of 106 today  (and highs of 100 for most of the rest of the week) I can honestly say that I have rarely experienced temperatures like this.  Not even in Florida.  Of course one must clarify that in Florida you deal with humidity which automatically means that even 85 degrees there feels worse than this.  But either way... this weather is absolutely brutal and today I will be staying inside as much as possible.  Yes, I have become one of those.  Thank goodness today happens to be a rest day in my training.

I forgot just how hard it is to exercise in the heat.  My friend Haley and I went for a run last night.  We decided to wait until after 8:00 in order to avoid the worst of the heat.  Yeah, it was still 99 when we started.  And for the first time in awhile, I hit a wall.  I'm talking slow... tired... and nauseated.  Amazingly I finished without walking but only because I was with someone else.  We both agreed it was a good idea we ran together!  Haley is training for a marathon and so I've done some of her long runs with her (she's still 15 weeks out so not too far up in the mileage).  I joked that maybe I should join her for the rest of her training... ha!  No, no marathons for this girl.  I think I might do the half marathon though.  We shall see.

Triathlon training is still going strong.  Only two more weeks to go!  I saw great progress this week with swimming.  I had been incredibly discouraged and felt like I wasn't going to be able to do the triathlon because of it.  I'm still pretty nervous about the swimming portion but not nearly as much as before.  I just need to make sure to get in a couple more good swims before the next two weeks is up.

Training has continued to be truly enjoyable.  I can't say it's always fun.  There are certainly days I just feel exhausted and unmotivated to do any of it.  But I am really loving the challenge and the sense of accomplishment when I finish a hard workout.  It's certainly been very therapeutic for me... taught me many things about my body, fueling it, and then taking care of it for recovery.

Anyway, besides that, I was able to make it out to Seattle this week to visit a friend who was there visiting some of his friends!  It was lots of fun and a very nice getaway.  Living out here, I do miss having old friends around, especially ones who somewhat understand what and where you come from. The Northwest and the South are two very different places, and often there are things about me that people out here just don't quite "get" as a result.

I'm right in the middle of 8 days off, enjoying my time.  I don't go back to work until Thursday, which I am most excited for!  Happy summer!

Life

Life has been incredibly busy of late.  Between traveling, working, moving, and triathlon training, I feel as though I haven't slowed down for weeks now.  I am definitely enjoying the pace of life, but also feel that I need a break... a reset.  But I don't know when or if that will actually be able to come about.

I had to say goodbye last week to my best friend, Bela, who moved to Wisconsin to be closer to her beau.  We have spent the past year and a half as travel nurses and roommates, essentially spending almost every day together in that time.  The bond that developed between us has become a sisterhood.  Saying goodbye was truly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Not only saying good bye to a friend and sister, but to a wonderful season of life.  And being on the brink of the next season, whatever that may be.

The good in life lately is that I continually find myself more free with each passing day.  Letting go of hurt, sadness, and pain is a continuous, every-day task.  But letting go I am, and with each passing day it gets easier.  While I am truly happy and content with where my life is at this time, there are certainly days that the weight of loneliness can be overwhelming.

And although I'm lonely, I'm taking a break.  A break from dating, a break from looking for Mr. Right. A break from constant self-scrutiny of "Am I pretty enough?  Am I thin enough?  Am I enough?" (for I never think I am)  It isn't as though I spend all of my time dating and looking for men.  But I have spent a considerable amount of time on it, worried constantly about what men might think of me... perusing dating profiles in hopes of seeing one who can catch my eye... only to see myself as inadequate and undeserving of another's love.  Dating a man in hopes of sparking something, only to be disappointed.  I'm just done with it for awhile.  I'm tired.  Finding a husband isn't the end-all be-all of my life.  But it is something that has been on my mind more and more lately.  Yet it only seems to end in constant disappointment.

But my life is my own.  And so I am taking the next few months to simply look after myself.  To take care of my body, feed it well, train it well.  To invest in friendships and hobbies.  To do things that make me happy.  To find rest and continued healing in nature.  And to simply accept myself for who I am... every bit of me.

Re-Discovery

"She lost him, but she found herself.  And somehow that was everything." -1989

And that's how I sum up the last few months of my life.

I hate to minimize the pain of the loss.  It was loss, it was hard, it was devastating in the beginning.  There were many long, sleepless nights.  Many tears were shed.  Hours spent wondering what went wrong, what could I have done differently.  Was something wrong with me?  I wondered that constantly.

And then I began to heal.  Once I began that process, life began to be in color again.  Yes, I still had sad days.  I didn't stop missing him overnight.  I didn't stop hurting overnight.  And I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't still hurt sometimes.  But life has been full.  I began to pour myself into the things I loved (i.e. running, hiking, yoga, friendships, focusing on myself, my health, nutrition, etc).  I decided to go after the things I was putting on hold for no reason.

I hadn't realized how for months I had been living my life waiting for a boy.  Waiting for him to be ready.  Waiting for him to be part of my life all the time instead of part of the time.  And I'm not that girl.  I've never been that girl.  My life is my own, yet I had allowed it to be taken over by... just waiting.  I had become a shadow of who I used to be.  I hate to admit that, even after the fact.  And I know why I was that way.  And for now, I choose to keep to myself the reasons.

While I love (I mean LOVE) the Northwest, this boy was very much a big reason (though not the only one) that I stopped travel nursing and settled down here.  But in this process of losing him, I have found a home here.  I love it.  I never want to leave.  I've re-discovered the adventurer within myself.  I've made wonderful friends, people who I know will be there for me.  For the first time in months, I've been truly happy.  Fulfilled.  Chasing my dreams.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've re-discovered myself, the woman I used to be... only a better version of it.

A Journey

So last night, this happened:

I've been working on the crow pose for a few weeks now.  Apart from my regular practice (and I've got the bruises around my knees to prove it!) every night before bed, I have worked on attempting this pose.  Last night something finally clicked and I was able to hold my balance here for about seven seconds.

It's the first arm balance pose I've been able to do.  And even though it might not seem like a big deal, to me it is!  In fact, check out this picture I took of myself almost two years ago to the day:

That's from April of 2013.  Just a month before I really had to examine my life, my health (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) and make some real changes.  This picture was in the ER back in Florida, after I spent a night in excruciating back pain before having to call EMS because I couldn't even walk out of my apartment with my mom's help to get to a doctor.  This moment was one of the wake-up calls it took for me to take it seriously.  And the girl in that picture probably would have laughed at the idea of practicing yoga.  And most certainly wouldn't have been able to imagine doing the crow pose.

The journey between those two pictures has been a long, hard one.  Little decisions in day-to-day life have gotten me where I am.  Not some huge, drastic over-night change.  It's been baby steps.  Failures.  Trying again.  Injuries.  Learning not to push myself too hard.  And learning kindness toward myself as a result.  And it makes me excited to see where I will be in this journey a year from now, or two years from now.  It's exciting when fitness no longer becomes about aesthetics... because that is NOT what fitness means.

I was given one body for this life.  That's how I look at it.  And I have two choices when it comes to my fitness.  I can be consumed with how flat my stomach is, how toned my thighs are, whether my face is thin enough, my arms lean enough, etc... or I can simply get out there and MOVE!  Enjoy a run with the wind blowing, sun shining... or even a run through the rain, which also happens to be one of my favorite things.  Celebrate the victories of a new PR or finally running the longest distance I have since high school. (seven miles!)  Take a nice long bike ride and enjoy the feeling of freedom it gives me.  Master a balance pose in yoga that I've been working on for weeks.  Recognize my limitations when it comes to where I'm at in my fitness to avoid injury.  Not beat myself up for enjoying dessert and drinks along with wonderful conversation with friends.  I think I know which life I want for myself.

Because that's the life that makes me happy.  That's the life that is free from self-hatred, constant feelings of failure, body-hate, food issues, and more.  It's the life where I feel beautiful and free and completely myself.  That's the journey I want to be on.

Life and Healing

Life has been good lately.

I feel very content with things just as they are.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way.  Content.  Settled.  Happy.

The last several months were months of insecurity, questioning, reasoning beyond the reasonable, chasing love that wasn't quite reciprocated, and just very discontent and unhappy as a result.

In all that mess I lost who I was.  I felt like a shell of the woman I had been.  Here I had moved all the way across the country, settled down in an unfamiliar place, and I felt as alone as I ever had in my life.  When I had wanted to feel so settled, I felt like I was in a place where I neither belonged nor was wanted.  I began to believe the lies in my head that said I was unloveable and worth no one's pursuit.  I did end up in a pretty bad place for awhile.  And I was perfectly content to stay there, to be left alone for a good long while.

I'm not going to say that those days don't come.  I have had moments, or an entire day of that kind of sadness here and there.  How do you heal from a broken heart if you don't deal with those feelings when they come?  No, they're a necessary part of healing I believe.  In fact, much of what I have found the hardest is letting go of who I was before my heart was broken.

But I have felt new life and energy these past few weeks.  Slowly, surely, I am coming back to myself. I am learning to be kind to myself on the days that are harder.  And those days are fewer and farther in between all the time.

There is just too much to be enjoyed in this world to let sadness overcome me.  I've found renewal in friendships, long runs, beautiful hikes, sunsets, conversation, practicing yoga, or even enjoying a rainy afternoon in.  I'm excited for what this next chapter brings!

Whole30: Day 26!

Well, Whole30 is quickly wrapping up!  The past 26 days have flown by.  I can't believe that in four days it will be done.  I'm happy to say I feel good.  I don't feel like a different person.  No huge, drastic changes in my body (which wasn't my goal anyway).  I feel leaner, more energetic, and running has gotten easier.  And those are all the results I really needed.  My system has been purged of a lot of crap, which is the best part.

Tonight is one last hurrah on Whole30 with my friend Julia.  We plan on making a paleo Greek meal and watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  I found a homemade falafel recipe I'm going to try out.  We'll see how that goes, since chickpeas is normally the main ingredient in falafels.

In other news, next week my sisters Allison and Hannah are coming to visit for eight days!  I absolutely cannot WAIT!  Nobody has visited me since moving out to Washington.  :(  I'm excited to show them around, and for them to see where I live.  Take them to some of my favorite restaurants.  Show them Portland and Seattle.  It's going to be a fun week and I can't wait.

I need some familiarity and warmth in life for a bit.  Been a rough couple of weeks.  I guess I'm doing ok, or as ok as you might expect at this point.  Been staying as busy as I can to keep my mind occupied, which helps.  For awhile the nights were the worst time for me... when my mind wouldn't settle down.  Thankfully that has improved for the most part.  I still often find myself thinking of all the what-ifs and could-have-beens, but in other ways I find that I've been able to find peace.  It's hard when the right thing is the last thing you really want.  But for now, this is what's right and I've found peace.

That's what's up in my life lately.  Feel pretty good about where I am and where things are going for the time being.  Every day I get up is a gift, no matter what the circumstances are!

Monday Night Introspection

Interesting the direction life takes you.

Upon unpacking things here, I found a journal I kept in 2011 in the desk I had in storage back in Florida.  I'm actually surprised by how sad I was during those days.  I mean, I remember being sad.  My grandparents, who had been a huge part of my life up until that point, had just died and I had a hard time dealing with it.  I think I was probably depressed--circumstantially so--but didn't realize it.  In one entry I even said I just hoped for life to once again be happy and full.

It's interesting, because that's something I've thought a lot about recently.  How happy and full life has been in this past year and a half.  I once felt like I wouldn't be happy again... and although I do remember feeling that way, it is only a memory now.  I've had to make a lot of changes in many areas of my life.  It took awhile to get there.  I've stretched myself and gone new places, done more (and more!) traveling, met so many new people.  I've stepped far out of my comfort zone many times... something I once never did.  I would definitely not say life has been easy the past year and a half, but it has been good.

Just some thoughts I have tonight.  I'm glad life has taken me where it has.  I've said it before, but this has been a season of life I have truly enjoyed.  I know life has yet to take many twists and turns--and certainly not all of them good--but I am content and thankful in this moment.

Insonnia, stress, and victories!

Been dealing with some really frustrating insomnia as of late.  I'm not sure why... there seems to be a heaviness weighing on me the past few days and it won't let up.  I think it's mostly related to the upcoming traveling (I'm going to St. Louis Wednesday, fly back four days later and then after that going to Hawaii for a week) and then immediately after that a huge cross-country move.  I feel like my mind is constantly going a hundred miles an hour, dwelling on everything that needs to be done in the next month instead of just taking things one day at a time.  I go to sleep at night exhausted, but I'm waking up between three and four almost every day, after tossing and turning all night.  Anyway... hopefully it will end soon.

On a more positive note... after being out for an entire month, I've been able to start running again!  Small amounts, but it's running and it feels good and my foot has felt pretty good so far!  I ran a mile on Friday, then a mile and a half yesterday.  I don't think I'll do more than two miles at a time for a couple weeks.  I don't want to overdo it, and find myself back to square one or with an even worse injury.  Even though I'm frustrated (I feel so out of shape, therefore I've gained a little weight, which makes me feel worse... but it's not the end of the world!!!) the worst thing I can do is push myself too hard.

And that's another thing I'm working on.  I tend to go all or nothing when it comes to exercise and "taking care" of my body.  And I'm working on being kind to myself.  I love my body... and although it's not in the exact shape I would like for it to be right now, I'm not loving it or taking care of it if I push myself beyond my limits and then injure my body.  Honestly, that's probably why it got injured in the first place.  Overuse injury most likely.  So if I love my body, I'll take care of it.  Which means I won't be running five miles for quite some time now, and that's ok.  I'm going to celebrate the small victories as they come.  And this week's victory is just being able to get back out there!

So all this insomnia has me doing a lot more thinking, so hopefully at least I'll pay a bit more attention to this blog.  Not that I expect people to be that interested in what I have to say here, but it is nice to just kind of get things off my chest.

Lately I've been really ungrateful.  Ungrateful for how incredibly privileged I am in this life.  In many parts of the world, I would enjoy very little freedom-- especially as a woman.  And the news coming out of Iraq recently, or the Gaza, or Ukraine... there is so much evil out there.  Yes, evil, call it what it is.  And I'm very sheltered from it.

I've been complaining because I have a foot injury and I won't be able to run for a couple weeks at least.  On the flip side, I complain because I have to exercise to stay at least somewhat thin... a problem that only exists in first world countries with plenty of food.  I get sick of the job I work 12 hours at a time at.  But I have a job.  And it pays me enough to not only pay my bills, but to afford smaller luxuries in life as well.  I have lived a life relatively free from illness and tragedy.  I don't fear for my life when I walk out my front door.

It isn't to minimize the few heartaches that I do have and never allow myself to be sad.  Or to never be angry.  But I should be more grateful for what I have.  I'm going to work on that.

Life as I see it

Well, I said I was going to keep this blog more faithfully.  And thanks to a foot injury that unfortunately kept me out of work tonight, resulting therefore in the inability to go anywhere at this time, I've got a little extra time on my hands tonight.

Yes, a foot injury.  Not exactly certain how serious at this point, but enough that it's difficult to walk.  But it is somewhat better than it was this time last night, so I'm hopeful that by tomorrow it might be even better.  No idea how it happened, though I suspect it's related to running.  Anyway, I'm not here to talk about my foot.

Actually, I'm not really here to talk about anything really.  I guess this is just one of those usual boring updates.

This week has been quite relaxing, honestly (minus said foot injury).  After working crazy overtime last week (which I'm so grateful now that I did!) I gave myself permission to just relax.  Didn't pressure myself to pick up extra this week.  I enjoyed each moment.  I did have some issues with my car registration.  For future reference to those of you out there... think very carefully about buying a car out of state, especially if that state is over three thousand miles from your home state!  That's all I have to say about that.  The issue is quite resolved at this point.  A couple of days ago, we drove out to Green Bluff to go berry picking.  Something I've never done before!  And I'm even more excited now, because come fall we can go apple picking, and pumpkin picking at the pumpkin patch!  Believe me, for Florida girls, this is a novelty!

I have to say, for the first time in my life... I'm happy and content with where I'm at.  Not that my life has been really hard in the past, but there's always been this very unsettled feeling deep down.  I've known pretty much since high school that Florida was not where I would live for the rest of my life.  And since nursing school, that itch to leave never went away.  Taking that leap back in October was the best thing I could have done.  Being in this part of the country somehow just feels right... and I love it!

That isn't to say that life is always just amazing.  But right now, I feel I can take a step back and simply appreciate where it's at.

reasons to love my body

I am always looking for reasons and reminders about why I love my body.

As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better.  "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself."  "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy."  As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time.  I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset.  Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds).  And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.

A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem.  Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines.  These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more?  Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them!  Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies!  You're too white, wear bronzer!  I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Exercise used to be a chore.  A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was.  Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are.  Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure.  (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)

There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself.  Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life.  I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did.    Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome.  Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.

I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year.  And why I should love my body.  Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time.  It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache.  And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now.  Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself.  A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.

I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world.  I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with.  But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.

some introspection on this tuesday night

I have had horrible writer's block lately.  Keep getting on here to write and while I feel like I have so much to say, I just can't get it out into words on the screen.  So here's trying again, hoping that something of substance materializes here tonight.

Spokane has been an awesome assignment.  AWESOME.  I am praying that we get asked to renew this contract, as I have just loved every aspect of it.  The actual assignment itself is a challenge, don't get me wrong.  The floor we work on is definitely a PCU and can be a huge challenge, though I still feel I've dealt with worse at my old job so I can't complain.

I can't believe we are half-way through this assignment.  Time has flown so fast, but it's like that when you're having fun I'm told.  We are living a ways outside of civilization (for me, anyway) so days off honestly aren't spent in an extremely exciting manner unless we take a trip into Spokane.  My focus has been hugely on my health and fitness, and I can honestly say I'm enjoying it (in the snow, rain, and ice, too)!  I've challenged myself in ways I haven't in years... and for once the focus is on rising to the challenge and pushing myself rather than just what size I am and whether I've gained weight or not. We love trips to Target and Trader Joe's.  We've decided Trader Joe's is a discovery of finding a new snack to enjoy each time we go.  So far, we've found a lot!  I love Trader Joe's!

We took a trip to Seattle last week, which was pretty awesome.  Honestly, Seattle just wasn't quite what I thought it would be.  I think the cold rain had a lot to do with my disappointment, so I'm hoping one day to give it another chance.  I think I could love Seattle (I mean, there are like 75 Starbucks in the downtown area alone... hello!) but that one weekend just wasn't quite enough.  I will say, however, that Cafe Nouveau had the absolute BEST croissant I've ever tasted... twice-baked almond!  We even went back on our way out of Seattle just for that.  I am still dreaming of that, still dreaming of it.

As for just this whole adventure of travel nursing... I'm SO glad that I decided to do this.  There has been something so incredibly liberating about just picking up and going across the country.  To the complete unknown, with nothing but a sense of adventure and a friend at my side.  Which is what makes it as awesome as it's been.

It isn't that I didn't know who I was before embarking on this... but I've learned SO much about myself and the world in the past four months.  Branching out and seeing that there are different cultures, different ways of life, different viewpoints, all of that... honestly nothing I believe or think has changed since leaving Florida.  But it has been re-affirmed again and again.  Let's be honest, I'm not quite the diligent, conservative girl who never questioned anything that I was just a few short years ago.  There's a lot about the south that I miss, don't get me wrong. (my family and friends, Chick Fil A, Publix, just to name a few...)

There's something about the Northwest.  I don't know what it is... I just feel that I've grown into myself out here.  I can't even express what I'm trying to say.  Just that this experience has been so amazing, and I am so incredibly grateful to God for giving it to me.  I think I might be able to better express these thoughts another time... I'll leave it at that for now.

2013

I can hardly believe that 2013 has come to an end.  What a year!  I've got NYE off for the first time EVER since becoming a nurse, but conveniently I'm stuck all the way out in California where I don't know many people outside of my roommate who is at work.  But it's kind of nice to just spend the evening thinking about the past year---how I've grown---and my aspirations for 2014.

So here's a recap of all the big things that happened to me this year.

In January, I got my little kitty Aberforth!  I was so excited to bring him home and introduce him to Albus.  The two didn't get along very well at first, but eventually became like brothers.  January tends to be a very boring month in which very little happens.

Skipping to March, I went on my very first cruise--- with the Disney Cruise Line!  I would definitely say that this was the BEST vacation I've ever been on.  I'd never really had that "resort" experience before, and from what I've heard since then, DCL is the top of the line cruise line.  Don't think I'll ever cruise with anyone else!  After the cruise, sadly I lost my kitty Albus after he swallowed over 20 hair ties.  It was a very sad experience, especially because I felt so responsible.

In April I suffered a back injury which put me in the ER.  I had a lot of realizations about my health during the time after, but didn't really know what to do or how to deal with them at the time.  The following month while visiting family in Illinois, I saw a picture of myself that somebody had taken, and hardly recognized it.  It was then that I knew I had to take my health seriously, realizing that I was now closer to 30 than I was to 20... and I knew that I didn't want the way I was to be as good as it was gonna get.  (That's a really tough realization, by the way)  Anyway, it was the best thing I could ever have done for myself.  My summer was very much devoted to taking care of myself and learning how to be healthy.

Of course, another week in July was spent at Camp Kulaqua as camp nurse with Allison!  This year was unique as a church had a big outbreak of lice.  But it helped that Holly T was a part of that church, meaning we got to hang out with her a lot!

My sister Hannah and I took a fun trip to Charleston, SC in August with one of her friends.  I came away, wondering how we could have lived so close to such a cool city and I'd never been there before. I still think it's a place I would love to live.

In September I went to Universal Studios for a fun weekend with Bela and her family.  We had just gotten our California licenses at that time, and were working on finding assignments out here.

And in October, I went on another Disney Cruise with Allison!  This was a very last minute plan, and we decided to do it because I was about to be doing travel nursing, and she was about to move to St. Louis.  One last hurrah, if you will.  It was a BLAST!  Less than a week after getting home, I left for the great state of California!  It was a road trip that took all of six days from October 30, ending November 4.  Four days total of driving.  If you've read my blog at all recently, there's not a whole lot else to tell about what's happened since.

Travel nursing has been the right decision, for sure.  I try to see it as an adventure, even if it isn't always the way that I expected it to be.  It's hard to believe we've been out here for two months already... soon it will be time to find another assignment!

2013 was a great one!  Here's to 2014--- hopefully another GREAT year!

Out of the Waiting Place

I remember about a year ago, I happened to pick up Dr. Seuss's book once again, Oh, the Places You'll Go!  I had read it many times before, but not since I was much younger.  And it had never really meant a whole lot to me before that.  But one particular section stood out to me during that time last year whenever I first began to think about travel nursing.  I posted it here.  I remember thinking about that Waiting Place.  Because that Waiting Place was where I was then, and had been for a long time.

Always waiting, for what I never knew.  For things to happen to me, I guess.  Maybe a husband, or a great new job offer, or just for things to "get better" (whatever that means, right?).  And never really doing the things that I wanted to do because I was always hoping for some "aha!" moment, or something to drastically change.  My life was very much the same for quite a long time, and I was frustrated.  I felt I was watching life happen to everyone else.

So here I am, over a year later and I've finally pursued what I really wanted to do.  And yes, it has been really stressful.  But I'd rather be where I am, even if this isn't something I do forever, than sitting and wondering about the things that could be.  I don't want to spend my life just waiting for things to happen to me, but rather making them happen.  Isn't that how you'd rather live?

I have been really stressed, but honestly if I weren't here, I'd just be sitting back home.  Always wondering about all the what-if's and could-have-been's.  Stress and all, this is what I wanted, and I'm so glad I did it.

On Feeling Low

Tonight I've been feeling really low.

I couldn't put my finger on why.  It's like a thousand different things that are bothering me and stressing me out.  I'm stressed about changes coming.  I'm worried about finances.  I'm afraid everything won't come together.  I'm nervous about an event coming up tomorrow.  I'm fat and disgusting.

Wait.... what?!

How did that creep in?  I'm sitting here worrying about all these legitimately stressful things, and suddenly I find myself running my hands over my stomach, wishing it were thinner. I suddenly felt angry that I ate frozen yogurt after supper, and two small pieces of banana bread just now for a late night snack.

It took me awhile to even figure out that I was taking the stress in my life and turning it into body hatred.  Using it to cut myself down for no good reason at all.  And doing it completely subconsciously without even realizing it.  How many times have I done this before and never figured it out?

I have yet to figure out if it's really my self-esteem that's at fault here tonight, or the stress of life.  But they seem to be working together really well to keep me feeling pretty lousy for now.  Thanks to a good talk with my friend, Lindsey, I do feel better.  But I would still love to take this negative self-talk and give it a roundhouse kick to the face.

On a better note, I kicked ass on the elliptical for an hour today!  (Bet you never thought you'd hear about an ass-kicking and elliptical machine in the same sentence... but that thing can actually give you a pretty hard workout if you use it the right way!)  Even though I don't feel awesome about myself today, I am in good shape and still working hard at it.  To me, that is a victory.