Today, I joined the gym.

I knew one of my goals was to work with a trainer for awhile.  So naturally after I joined, the guy asks me to follow him, and before I know it I'm standing in front of a scale.  I could already feel the blood draining from my face, but I stepped on anyway.  I know that if you work with a trainer, they simply have to have numbers.  So my weight was probably a bit more than I prefer, but I am wearing jeans (I usually have weighed myself naked in the past) and I have gained muscle this summer.  Then he hands me a little handheld device, and we check my body fat percentage.  Surprisingly, my body fat percentage was lower than I was expecting.

So here we go and sit down, and suddenly he's calculating all these numbers, telling me how many pounds of fat I have on my body, how many pounds of fat I should lose, how many pounds of muscle I should gain, etc.... as I sat there, I couldn't believe I found myself fighting back tears.  I actually stopped him at one point and let him know, listen I've struggled with an eating disorder so numbers aren't always the best thing for me to reduce myself down to.  But naturally being a guy, he didn't really understand that.  In the end, I requested a female trainer.  I meet with her this coming Monday morning, so I am certainly ready to let her know my body image and food issues up front.

And I don't even know if she'll care, but I'd like to think a woman will at least take a more compassionate approach to training if she knows some of those things beforehand.  The thing is, I am in a really great place right now with my body image, food, etc.  I have, in the past ten months, had only two small binges.  I have eaten the most balanced diet I ever have in my life.  I have gotten in the best shape I've ever been in.

So why get a trainer at all?  Honestly, I feel ready to take on a new challenge of some sort.  To up my game, and get in even better shape.  I know I am not going to have the discipline to do strength and HIIT-style training on my own.  I'm just not.

But in this process, I am committed to not reducing myself down to a number.  Not a number on a scale.  Not a percentage.  Not a BMI.  Not a calorie-deficit or -surplus.

Because I am so much more than those things.

I remember in May, I lamented to my sister that here I was as fit as I've ever been, yet I still carry a "spare tire."  She looked at me and said, "Well, you're not a horrible, mean-spirited person, and that's a lot worse than just having a spare tire.  What's a little fat around your belly?"  And it's true.  I will be kind to myself in this process.  I will check in constantly with loved ones and friends, so that I do not get sucked into any disordered mindset.  I will remember that who I am is my compassion, my love for others, my spirit, my fierceness and dedication, and so much more.

I'm excited to start a new and scary (yes, SCARY!) chapter in my fitness journey.

Valley Girl Triathlon 2015: In the Books!

 Well, I did it!  I successfully completed my very first triathlon sprint!  1/3 mile swim, 12-mile bike ride, and 3 mile run.  I can hardly believe it still, even after the last two months of hard work I put in for it.  And I had the time of my life.  Crossing that finish line was the best feeling in the world.

I did no elite time, of course.  In fact, my bike time was what kept me from making a really good time, which I'm still just a *little* upset about.  The breakdown was 12:07 swim, 1:00:31 bike, and 28:25 run.  My first transition time was 6:42 and second was 3:05.  All for a total of 1:50:50.

But now I know what I need to work on.  I loved it.  Every minute of it, it was so exhilerating!  I'm finding myself ready to take on another.  Already looking to do an olympic triathlon next year, and I may possibly be doing another sprint here in a few weeks.

This week I'm mostly resting, with maybe some swimming since it will be less stressful on my body than running or biking.  I have been pushing it pretty hard, because I've been doing much longer runs within my triathlon training as I am hoping to do a half or full marathon in October (most likely just the half).  The last few days just before the triathlon I did begin to experience a very slight pain in my foot. I monitored if VERY closely, in fact I was texting my friends telling them that I might have to back out of the race.  I learned a lesson last year, a very hard one.  However on race day my foot felt better, although still a slight ache.  I went ahead with the race, knowing I would give myself a rest when it was done.

And I'm following through on that.  I honestly do not believe it is more than a pulled muscle or something very minor like that, but I am too scared to injure it further by pushing it.  Which is why I will most likely be only doing a half marathon, as the training will be much less intense.  I am certainly ready for a new challenge, but not to push myself beyond my limits.  I love being active too much to do that to myself and I want to take care of my body.

So today, I am just enjoying the satisfaction of finishing the race.  Working toward a goal and achieving it.  Not perfectly, but to the best of my ability and that's all I can really ask for.  I will enjoy my rest this week.

I've definitely experienced one of those "one step forward, two steps back" kind of weeks.  Today I am weary and tired emotionally and mentally.  But mostly emotionally.  I've been faced once again with feelings this week that I thought I was over.  And it's painful, it really is painful.  In fact I have had trouble with motivation lately for much outside of the things I "have" to do.

However, I carry on and I know I will move past this.  I am allowing myself to feel what I feel, while still knowing there will be happier times once again.  (Does that sound melodramatic?  I don't mean for it to... yet I'm just trying to be authentic)  Today I am thankful for friends, thankful for hard conversations, thankful for good food and good exercise and beautiful weather.  Those are the things that are getting me through right now.

I really wonder... do broken hearts ever heal?  I mean really heal... what does it take to be able to finally move beyond the pain?  Perhaps this week has been more of a "hiccup" in the journey, I don't know.  I know I have healed a lot, don't get me wrong.  Me today, compared to me four months ago is still a person who is much more whole than she was then.

It's more... I don't know how to put it into words.  Like there will always be something "off" about me until I can really truly get over him.  I fear I won't be able to give myself to someone else because part of me will always feel like it belongs to him.  I hate that... even writing that out makes me cringe, because I want to just say I am my own person and I belong only to myself.  And I do... but I just don't feel like I do right now.

I'm reminded of what C.S. Lewis said about love.... "Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one... But in that casket- safe, dark motionless, airless- it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

I would rather feel so very deeply, than to not feel at all.  I know that.  But goodness, it hurts.