I've definitely experienced one of those "one step forward, two steps back" kind of weeks.  Today I am weary and tired emotionally and mentally.  But mostly emotionally.  I've been faced once again with feelings this week that I thought I was over.  And it's painful, it really is painful.  In fact I have had trouble with motivation lately for much outside of the things I "have" to do.

However, I carry on and I know I will move past this.  I am allowing myself to feel what I feel, while still knowing there will be happier times once again.  (Does that sound melodramatic?  I don't mean for it to... yet I'm just trying to be authentic)  Today I am thankful for friends, thankful for hard conversations, thankful for good food and good exercise and beautiful weather.  Those are the things that are getting me through right now.

I really wonder... do broken hearts ever heal?  I mean really heal... what does it take to be able to finally move beyond the pain?  Perhaps this week has been more of a "hiccup" in the journey, I don't know.  I know I have healed a lot, don't get me wrong.  Me today, compared to me four months ago is still a person who is much more whole than she was then.

It's more... I don't know how to put it into words.  Like there will always be something "off" about me until I can really truly get over him.  I fear I won't be able to give myself to someone else because part of me will always feel like it belongs to him.  I hate that... even writing that out makes me cringe, because I want to just say I am my own person and I belong only to myself.  And I do... but I just don't feel like I do right now.

I'm reminded of what C.S. Lewis said about love.... "Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one... But in that casket- safe, dark motionless, airless- it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

I would rather feel so very deeply, than to not feel at all.  I know that.  But goodness, it hurts.