Re-Discovery

"She lost him, but she found herself.  And somehow that was everything." -1989

And that's how I sum up the last few months of my life.

I hate to minimize the pain of the loss.  It was loss, it was hard, it was devastating in the beginning.  There were many long, sleepless nights.  Many tears were shed.  Hours spent wondering what went wrong, what could I have done differently.  Was something wrong with me?  I wondered that constantly.

And then I began to heal.  Once I began that process, life began to be in color again.  Yes, I still had sad days.  I didn't stop missing him overnight.  I didn't stop hurting overnight.  And I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't still hurt sometimes.  But life has been full.  I began to pour myself into the things I loved (i.e. running, hiking, yoga, friendships, focusing on myself, my health, nutrition, etc).  I decided to go after the things I was putting on hold for no reason.

I hadn't realized how for months I had been living my life waiting for a boy.  Waiting for him to be ready.  Waiting for him to be part of my life all the time instead of part of the time.  And I'm not that girl.  I've never been that girl.  My life is my own, yet I had allowed it to be taken over by... just waiting.  I had become a shadow of who I used to be.  I hate to admit that, even after the fact.  And I know why I was that way.  And for now, I choose to keep to myself the reasons.

While I love (I mean LOVE) the Northwest, this boy was very much a big reason (though not the only one) that I stopped travel nursing and settled down here.  But in this process of losing him, I have found a home here.  I love it.  I never want to leave.  I've re-discovered the adventurer within myself.  I've made wonderful friends, people who I know will be there for me.  For the first time in months, I've been truly happy.  Fulfilled.  Chasing my dreams.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've re-discovered myself, the woman I used to be... only a better version of it.

A Journey

So last night, this happened:

I've been working on the crow pose for a few weeks now.  Apart from my regular practice (and I've got the bruises around my knees to prove it!) every night before bed, I have worked on attempting this pose.  Last night something finally clicked and I was able to hold my balance here for about seven seconds.

It's the first arm balance pose I've been able to do.  And even though it might not seem like a big deal, to me it is!  In fact, check out this picture I took of myself almost two years ago to the day:

That's from April of 2013.  Just a month before I really had to examine my life, my health (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) and make some real changes.  This picture was in the ER back in Florida, after I spent a night in excruciating back pain before having to call EMS because I couldn't even walk out of my apartment with my mom's help to get to a doctor.  This moment was one of the wake-up calls it took for me to take it seriously.  And the girl in that picture probably would have laughed at the idea of practicing yoga.  And most certainly wouldn't have been able to imagine doing the crow pose.

The journey between those two pictures has been a long, hard one.  Little decisions in day-to-day life have gotten me where I am.  Not some huge, drastic over-night change.  It's been baby steps.  Failures.  Trying again.  Injuries.  Learning not to push myself too hard.  And learning kindness toward myself as a result.  And it makes me excited to see where I will be in this journey a year from now, or two years from now.  It's exciting when fitness no longer becomes about aesthetics... because that is NOT what fitness means.

I was given one body for this life.  That's how I look at it.  And I have two choices when it comes to my fitness.  I can be consumed with how flat my stomach is, how toned my thighs are, whether my face is thin enough, my arms lean enough, etc... or I can simply get out there and MOVE!  Enjoy a run with the wind blowing, sun shining... or even a run through the rain, which also happens to be one of my favorite things.  Celebrate the victories of a new PR or finally running the longest distance I have since high school. (seven miles!)  Take a nice long bike ride and enjoy the feeling of freedom it gives me.  Master a balance pose in yoga that I've been working on for weeks.  Recognize my limitations when it comes to where I'm at in my fitness to avoid injury.  Not beat myself up for enjoying dessert and drinks along with wonderful conversation with friends.  I think I know which life I want for myself.

Because that's the life that makes me happy.  That's the life that is free from self-hatred, constant feelings of failure, body-hate, food issues, and more.  It's the life where I feel beautiful and free and completely myself.  That's the journey I want to be on.

Experience

Soon my best friend, Bela, is moving to Wisconsin.  We decided to take one last trip over to Seattle this weekend.  We've made several trips like that before.  And on those trips, as usual, great conversation happens.

They say friends are like your therapist who drinks with you.  This weekend was certainly a form of therapy.  Amazing when you can talk through shit and let go of burdens.  Or even just have a friend willing to help you carry those burdens.

The past several weeks have been incredibly healing.  This weekend certainly pushed me much farther along in that healing process.  Hurts that I was able to finally voice... releasing heartache and anger and mistrust... Knowing that while I may never know the "why" surrounding the past year of my life, I have finally reached a place where I can move on... in fact I have moved on.  And I have reached a place of incredible strength and growth.

"Experience, the most brutal of teachers.  But you learn, my God do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Pretty much sums everything up for me.  Although I know life certainly has many more curveballs to throw at me, today I am in the best place I've been in a long time.  I feel settled, content.  Happy.  Excited for a future that for the first time in a long time, seems bright.

The rhythm and pace of life lately has been nice.  Work, of course, is stressful, but my days off are rejuvenating and relaxing.  I've picked up the pace with my running, getting ready for Bloomsday.  It's my time for myself.  I love it.  Pushing myself to be better, to go farther, to run faster.  I never realized just how satisfying the challenge can be.  

Yoga has become a new hobby of mine as well.  I love yoga because it's a practice.  It isn't about being the best and the strongest.  It's about listening to your body and learning through practice.  It's amazing just how much change I have seen in my body thanks to yoga.  And I'm not talking about how my body looks-- because that's not what yoga is about.  I can't believe how much my flexibility has improved since my practice is more consistent.  My balance has improved.  And I can feel my strength improving with each passing day.  My back handles the heavy lifting at work.  

I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm treating my body the way it's supposed to be treated.  Feeding it for performance.  Pushing it for endurance and strength, not to attain a perfect body.  And allowing treats without guilt.

I'd like to hope that maybe I'm finally turning a corner here.

Worth It

I took care of a lovely lady this week at work.  One of the kindest, sweetest women I've met.  And not only was she kind, but her family was as well.  This was a family that was built on love.  As I was asking her more about herself it came up that she had been married to her husband for 58 years.  Now I watched her and her husband interact, and their love for each other was truly evident.  The care and attention he gave his sick wife was love itself.  Not something you see very often, even with many couples who have been married for decades.  I told her later that evening how wonderful it was to see two people who still loved each other after all those years.  Her eyes just lit up and the biggest smile came over her face, and she told me, "I love him more today than I ever have!"  It almost brought tears to my eyes right there while I was starting an IV on her.

That is the kind of love I am looking for.  I would rather live the rest of my life alone than settle for anything less.  It's worth waiting for.  Being single forever simply isn't the worst thing in the world-- being with the wrong person is.  Chasing someone who won't love you back is.  Being lonely in a relationship is.  And I don't know if I'll ever find the right guy.  It isn't to say I won't date or make efforts, because God knows I am doing that.  I've tasted the bitterness of a broken relationship.  I know what it feels like to not be "quite" good enough for someone.  I've pushed away the red flags, the feelings that something isn't right, and worked harder to make it work only to watch it fall to pieces.  And if there's one thing I've learned, it is to be with someone who loves me exactly as I am, and makes me be the best person that I can be.  And for me to do the same for him.

And the thing is, I have more hope today for this than I ever have in all my years of being single.  I don't feel my heart being hardened towards love, but rather softened.  More patient for the waiting.  I have no regrets because I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason.  It has a lesson, as hard and painful as that lesson has been.