I have been waiting for the light at the end of this long, long tunnel. Some days I just wonder if this is my lot in life. Apathy, boredom, and just a lack of interest in anything at all. I feel numb. I know how good I have it. I know I am fortunate and "have so much going for me."
But none of that means anything when you continue to be stuck in a fog. It's a constant feeling of nothing matters.
I didn't realize how much I have been isolating myself more and more over the last few months. I literally had a weird epiphany only yesterday about it, finally admitting to myself that yes. I am still depressed. I talked things over with my therapist and I'm supposed to be pursuing changing up medications and getting into a new doctor for that, but all of that feels like it doesn't matter because it takes too much energy.
How I even got the motivation to sit here and type this I'm still not sure, because I've been putting off posting for quite some time now.
There's nothing I am sad about. I just feel nothing.
Except super irritated at myself for still being in this fog. And super fatigued all the time too, can't forget that one.
There's really only two people I even want to be around these days, and that's my dog Wilbur and my boyfriend Sam. Who has stuck with me despite my struggles. Wilbur seems to know what I need when I'm at my lowest (which is more often than not lately). Even if I spend most of my time at home, at least he is always here with me, and he still gives me purpose and hope. Something I can hold onto.
I just want to know WHY I can't snap out of this! It seems like it should be so easy. Like maybe if I start doing more fun things, or being around people more, or going more places, but those things just pull me into a deeper fatigue that I can't shake. In many ways I feel like life is happening all around me and I can't be a part of it, and then in the next moment I think to myself, "What does it matter anyway." And I go back to binge-watching Friends.
