It's 5:39am and I've been awake 2 hours...

1. I woke up at 3:39, and have been awake since. This is a frequent occurrence. I've learned to deal with it and find something to occupy myself. Like making cool lists on my blog.

2. My friend Lauren introduced me to Stumbleupon last night, and I'm already hooked. Who doesn't want to spend hours scrolling through blogs, recipes, pictures, vintage style, etc? Ok, I realize I'm late to the scene and even though I feel like this makes me cool, it doesn't. (don't even mention the fact that pinterest is what's up nowadays... no one's invited me yet)

3. My newlywed friends were cool enough to let me hang with them last night (and hold their new baby kittens). They've been married 5 days. Brennan was even cool enough to watch Eclipse with us. Coolest friend's husband ever? Possibly.

4. A big terrorist boss in Yemen was killed, and I'm pretty sure I'm the first person to know about it cause I've been watching the news for over an hour already. Maybe I should make a facebook status about it to show how cool and up with everything I am. It reminds me of the night we held a watchful vigil around my grandmother the night she died, and the earthquakes in Japan occurred and provided a distraction for us in the early hours of the morning.

5. Crying is good for the soul. I know it, because I did it for 2 hours the other night for no good reason really. But really, it was a lot of reasons. And having a big sister to text and encourage me during that time really helps.

6. I'm ready for cool weather. Or at least for the disgusting humidity to be done with. But then it's Florida. I can dream, can't I?

7. What is up with "awkward" being all cool and in? I'm the most awkward person I know and I've owned it my whole life. Suddenly all these little teenie boppers on facebook try to pretend they're awkward and cool.

8. I'm thinking about going back to take piano lessons again.

9. I'm ready for Christmas. Christmas movies, music, decorations, everything. Heck, I'm ready for Christmas in January. I love it!!! Except I don't know what I'll do this year, since I'm probably going to be alone for it. Feeling sorry for myself however, isn't gonna be in the mix.

10. Yesterday, I was told by a Jew that I look like a Jew. I have been told I look Jewish, Greek, and--get ready, you'll laugh--Hispanic. ??? Green eyes, fair skin... really? My sister Melissa always tells me I have a mixed look about me, which I guess is cool because I don't look like a cookie cutter girl.

11. I think making lists of random things is cool and fun. You should do it too.

I'm back in Bible Study Fellowship this year, absolutely loving it. We are studying the acts of the apostles, which goes through the Book of Acts and the epistles written to the early church. I suppose I already mentioned that I completed about half of this study in my senior year of high school, at a time when I was in such need of it. It seems that God knew I needed this one again.

One of the ways in which I'm already convicted is my conduct within the workplace. Now, it isn't as if I walk through those doors and I'm swearing like a sailor, yelling at people, and treating my patients like crap. I'm pretty sure that most of my co-workers would tell you I'm a nice enough person. But the ways in which I conduct myself, I don't feel it is in any way being the image of Christ. Obviously I will never be perfect at this, as nobody will. Each day I go, telling myself I'm going to have a good attitude, and immediately that is down the tubes as my assignment is heavy, my patients are crabby and demanding, and I can't meet all six of their needs in any way possible.

It isn't good enough to "have a good attitude" and people will see Christ in me. Last night our leader asked the question, is the Holy Spirit silent and wounded within me? In what ways am I quenching His dominance in my life, and there are many I know. Do I conduct myself in a way that is pleasing to God, not for His approval and earning the salvation He has already given me freely, but for His glory? When I say a curse word because I'm angry (not only is that wrong, but it's totally unprofessional even if it's only around my co-workers) what is that telling people? Who or what am I controlled by?

I suppose one of the frustrations I've begun to have within my church, which shuns legalism (and well it should), is the "freedom" that many people, myself included, believes this gives us ("we're better and more free than those Baptists down the street who pretend they don't drink"). Swear all you want. Drink all you want. Mess up and don't worry, because God's going to forgive you. On and on it goes. We don't even worry about the actual consequences of allowing these things to come in and take hold of us, because God is always going to forgive us. We look no different than the world. I believe we walk a fine line between shunning legalism and being openly accepting of blatant sin within our own lives. There becomes little focus on glorifying Christ and sanctification.

Now, I don't believe drinking, in moderation, is wrong (I enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita on occasion). I don't judge Christians who swear. Those are just examples of things I see really prevalent, at times to excess, within Christian circles I am in, and yes I do occasionally fall into them myself.

I am thankful that my salvation doesn't rest on my or anyone else's ability to obey. If this comes across as sounding a little judgmental, I'm sorry, because it isn't meant to be that way at all. In the end, I'm glad that I serve a God who is forgiving and loving.

It was a beautiful weekend.

What a fun, wonderful, tiring weekend.

I hated to see it end, as we have spent a year anticipating and preparing for it, yet I'm also glad to see it end because now Brennan and Lauren can start their lives together.

The ceremony was beautiful. Pastor Rod did wonderfully. He spoke of Lauren being the answer to thousands of prayers prayed by Brennan and his parents (and friends, as well), and Brennan being the answer to thousands of prayers as well. Hearing that, I think back on the many times Lauren and I spoke of boys and marriage in high school and college. Both of us thinking we would probably never get married, but still hopeful. A little over a year ago, when I remember Lauren first telling me about Brennan after they met at a mutual friend's house, who would have thought we would be here now? It wasn't really a chance meeting, as God planned it, but at the time it really seemed that way, and look where it led.

After a long night of sleep last night, (only had two hours Friday night, thanks a lot, night shift) I'm sitting here with the blues, but still so happy for them. I always get post-wedding blues. Please don't think it's feeling sorry for myself, it is just the anticipation of the event and just like that it is over. I run through each moment again and again in my mind, thankful for God's faithfulness in my friend's journey so far. It isn't to say that if circumstances were different, God would be unfaithful, but to see how He has led Lauren to this moment is really neat.

As I said before, I don't feel sorry for myself. But that same familiar longing creeps in now and again, and obviously a little more than usual after a wedding. I'm trusting in God's faithfulness and goodness. Whether He gives what I (selfishly) want or has something different in mind, He gives abundantly. So I must keep my focus on Him, becoming the woman He would have me be, (in all my awkwardness) whether it is with a man or not.

Thankfully I'm not due back at work until Tuesday night. In the meantime, I will rest. I'm so tired. Tired, but satisfied.

Sara, Lauren, and I at Chili's. Tradition!

Two sisters- Catherine and Lauren

Lauren getting ready to open her presents

Stephanie acted as hostess and made the drinks- appreciated that!

Wedding weekend is here! Wednesday night Sara, Lauren, and I met up at Chili's to kick it off. It is tradition for us, laughing and having fun over a few margaritas el presidente.

Last night I hosted Lauren's bachelorette party. We started out at Buca di Beppo for AWESOME Italian food, then went back to my house for the lingerie shower and drinks. It really was a lot of fun, and I think everyone else had a good time.

I'm so excited and ready to celebrate the next two days!

Two years have gone by since graduation, and finally Bela, Tatyana, and I hung out last night! It was so much fun and much-needed. These girls were my best friends from day one of nursing school. Now Tatyana is married and has a little girl, which was a fun new dynamic for us. It was awesome to hang out, talk about life, as well as our lives as nurses. From studying together to commiserating with each other over our crazy nursing lives! After Tatyana had to go home a little early, Bela (my fellow night-shifter) and I talked at Starbucks until about 11:15, which was so great. I miss those girls so much, and we are going to be better about getting together more often.

I'm off tonight, and back to work for a three in a row tomorrow before all the wedding weekend fun! It's going to be busy. Wednesday night Chili's with Lauren and Sara, Thursday night bachelorette party, Friday mani/pedi and rehearsal, and finally Saturday the wedding! I still can't believe it's already here. When they got engaged last October, the wedding was so far away.

Tonight I went back to Bible Study Fellowship, the first class of the year. I went some last year and the year before, but have not been truly committed for a very long time. Probably since half-way through college.

This year we are studying Acts and some of the epistles. I'm so excited. Sitting in my discussion group, our leader asked who had completed this particular study before, and before I realized it I was raising my hand. I did it before, and I had completely forgotten.

I went to BSF my senior year of high school after Christmas, and this was the study we worked on. I was transformed through it, how had I forgotten? For nearly the first time in my life, my faith was real to me... I lived my faith like I never had before. I craved those quiet moments in the Word, combing through verse after verse to learn everything I could. Who was God? What had He done for me, and how could I know Him better? Those were the questions that plagued me, yet pushed me deeper into my faith in a time when I was questioning all I believed.

Tonight, out of the blue, it was as if God was saying, "Natalie, see what I have done for you. It is good. You have forgotten." It feels like a milestone in this journey of mine, one of looking back and knowing that yes, it was good. It is good. I did forget, how did I forget? My vision has been so clouded with my selfishness, greed, self pity, and self-loathing, that I couldn't see.

I do not write this out of pretentiousness, but in truth. I am so looking forward to this special study, and re-discovering the journey I am on in the faith. A journey that I started a long time ago, though I've wandered off more than once. God began a good work in me all those years ago, and I know that He will be faithful to complete it.

Day begins like any other, which I know is the case for most other Americans.

I wake up, have devotionals with my family, practice my piano, and get ready to feed my baby brother his breakfast of baby food. While I'm feeding him, the phone rings, and the next thing I know my mom is running out of her room and turning on the TV shouting, "There's been a horrible accident!" I stand up and go look at the TV, and see two smokestacks. "Those aren't smokestacks, those are sky scrapers," my mom says. "Thousands of people work there, and two planes crashed into them."

In my 14 year old mind, I think this must be an accident. There's no way anybody is going to just fly planes into sky scrapers. Next thing I know, images of the Pentagon with smoke and fire pouring out of it are cast onto the screen. My mom says to me, "It feels like the end of the world, what is going on?" I agree, but have no words for what is going on. President Bush is speaking, and suddenly I realize that we are, indeed, under attack. Then we hear of a plane crashing near Pittsburgh.

I start to wonder how many more planes are hijacked and where are they going? I watch as one tower collapses, and then the other. As the day goes on, nothing else happens. Air space is shut down. We go to a prayer service that night. I remember an eerie quiet over the world, almost the way it feels on Christmas Day when nothing is open, and you can hear the silence.

That day, though I was only 14, I realized how much I love America. How proud I truly am to be a citizen of this great country. I grieved for people I had never even met, for the families who lost their loved ones to this cruel tragedy. I felt anger and hatred toward those hijackers who stole something so precious from so many. Though not all of us experienced personal loss in losing a loved one, we all experienced loss that day of some kind. It was unfair, unjust, and I hated it. 2,977 people never knew a post-9/11 world. That world is almost all that I can remember.

Do you remember?

In looking at the picture below, I realized I look quite domestic with a cook book on the shelf. But that's where it stays, on the shelf. I never, ever cook. It's sad. I just don't enjoy cooking, I'd rather bake but then everything you bake is way unhealthy. So I don't do any of it.

Albus is sooo sweet, has been so much fun (if a bit of a pill at times). Things he likes: perching on my shoulder, chasing around the laser pointer, having his ears scratched, and snuggling. Things he hates: when I shower, when I make him sleep in the bathroom because he won't stop attacking my feet at night (don't worry, he has a litter box and plenty of food and water in there and room to play), and when I have to do my hair or put on make up (because he can't be right in my face at all times).

This week at work: I experienced my first full-blown CODE and patient death, though it wasn't actually my patient. It was a nightmare of a code, the worst I could have imagined (it happened on the floor), but I was glad I got to help in any way I could. When it was over I felt like I was going to vomit from the adrenaline rush, it was so bad, and I had a headache half the night (all I can say is, I believe God gives us supernatural strength in times like that). It was an emotionless thing, however, which surprised me. There's a wall between you and your patients most of the time, and I intend to keep that wall there. Otherwise I couldn't cope with work.

The count-down to Lauren's wedding has begun, and I'm getting things ready for the bachelorette party. No, no craziness like drunken binges or strippers kind of bachelorette party, it will be very tame and wholesome with lots of fun involved! I can't wait, and I'm so excited and happy for Lauren and Brennan. When they got engaged almost a year ago, the wedding seemed so far away, and yet here we are now.

Life has found a new rhythm, and I'm happy with it. God is showing Himself to me as my source of comfort and provision, and though I'm not always happy, I can trust Him and His goodness. It's enough, especially when nothing else is.