Life and Healing

Life has been good lately.

I feel very content with things just as they are.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way.  Content.  Settled.  Happy.

The last several months were months of insecurity, questioning, reasoning beyond the reasonable, chasing love that wasn't quite reciprocated, and just very discontent and unhappy as a result.

In all that mess I lost who I was.  I felt like a shell of the woman I had been.  Here I had moved all the way across the country, settled down in an unfamiliar place, and I felt as alone as I ever had in my life.  When I had wanted to feel so settled, I felt like I was in a place where I neither belonged nor was wanted.  I began to believe the lies in my head that said I was unloveable and worth no one's pursuit.  I did end up in a pretty bad place for awhile.  And I was perfectly content to stay there, to be left alone for a good long while.

I'm not going to say that those days don't come.  I have had moments, or an entire day of that kind of sadness here and there.  How do you heal from a broken heart if you don't deal with those feelings when they come?  No, they're a necessary part of healing I believe.  In fact, much of what I have found the hardest is letting go of who I was before my heart was broken.

But I have felt new life and energy these past few weeks.  Slowly, surely, I am coming back to myself. I am learning to be kind to myself on the days that are harder.  And those days are fewer and farther in between all the time.

There is just too much to be enjoyed in this world to let sadness overcome me.  I've found renewal in friendships, long runs, beautiful hikes, sunsets, conversation, practicing yoga, or even enjoying a rainy afternoon in.  I'm excited for what this next chapter brings!

Food Pictures... Yum!

All through my Whole30 I meant to post photos of the delicious foods I was making and eating, but never got around to it.  So here are some lovely pictures of what I've been eating so far on my Whole10!  Keep in mind I'm not one much for editing photos.

West African Chicken Stew

This one is DELICIOUS, and includes sunflower seed butter.  Honestly, I am barely able to eat much of it at a time which really surprised me because I absolutely love how it tastes.  It's just incredibly rich.  Luckily it's pretty dense with chicken so you don't have to eat much to get your animal protein in.

Stuffed Acorn Squash

My favorite!!!  The stuffing includes lean ground beef (pasture-raised, grass-fed) and cauliflower rice. 

This is just the spinach, artichokes, and onions sauteeing for the spinach-artichoke turkey burgers. 

Olive Oil Mayonnaise

I don't ever see a reason to buy mayonnaise at the store again! 

Spinach-Artichoke Turkey Burgers

They taste better than they look, I promise!!! 

Garlic-Dijon Roasted Brussels Sprouts

My absolute FAVORITE vegetable dish so far. 

Breakfast Egg Bake

Bela made this one.  It has ground pork with sausage seasoning, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, coconut milk, and of course eggs.  It's been great to have all made up and just heat it up quickly after a long night at work. 

Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai

I was actually surprised I liked this one so much.  I like spaghetti squash, but I don't love it.  But I definitely loved this dish and will make it regularly from here on out! 

And just some veggies I roasted up a few days ago.  Nothing like roasted veggies. 

And here is the turkey burger, bun excluded.  On it is the mayo, avocado mashed with lemon juice, unsweetened brown mustard and ketchup, and onions. 

In case you're tired of looking at food photos, I decided to post some from my hike on High Drive a few days ago.  Beautiful views!  And lots of uphill so it was a great workout!  I love where I live! 

^^^Spring is here!!^^^

Being a Nurse

There are times I am very weary of being a nurse.  Not tired of it, not hating it... just incredibly weary.  Stretched too thin.  Moments come when you feel so inadequate.  Like you are making no difference in the lives of your patients.  And not in a self-centered way of making yourself feel good about the difference you're making.  But I mean truly going home at the end of the night and knowing: my patients are better off because I took care of them.

And today, I just don't feel that way.  I feel like I failed my patient.  I had one of the hardest, most horrible events with a patient last night.  And I can't go into details because of HIPPA, but I will just say I walked away from the situation feeling like utter shit.  Feeling unsettled.... uneasy.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.  It shook me up so much I actually had to call out of work for a personal day.  I don't do that.  But I did it tonight.

Usually I can go home and resolve the issue in my mind.  Leave it at work where it belongs.  I couldn't this time.  I spent the remainder of my night carrying it like a burden.  I carried it home with me today, and just couldn't shake it.  I still can't.

This job is hard.  No.  It's worse than hard.  It's IMPOSSIBLE.  It's not just going to work and being stressed all the time because patients and doctors and family treat you like shit.  I have LIVES in my hands, and while I am well aware of that every single day I walk through those doors, there are days that that reality slams into you.  I carry a license, one that I spent four years of college earning, almost six years since then protecting it every day on the job while trying to give the best possible care to my patients... and in the blink of an eye it could be gone.

The thing is, I love being a nurse.  Being a nurse is quite possibly one of the most defining things about me.  But today, I am just so incredibly discouraged and weary.

My Sisters' Visit

The visit from my sisters was so much fun!  I definitely was sad to see them go, as we really had a great time touring, laughing, talking, eating, hiking, running, etc.  It was really nice to have family in town for a bit.

 The first night we went out for froyo after picking Hannah up from the airport!

 After breakfast at Chap's, right before our drive to Portland.

 Good old Multnomah Falls.  Always a favorite of mine on the drive to Portland!

Breakfast at Mother's Bistro! 

 We love the show Portlandia!  This is the store used for the sketch Women and Women First.

Of course a visit to Voodoo Donuts is required. 

Arm exercises before breakfast. 

 Hannah and Allison's first time experiencing the disgusting gum wall.

 The pig at Pike Place.

 Lovely view of the Seattle skyline from Bainbridge Ferry.

 Bainbridge... such a lovely, quaint, quiet little town.

Our first day back after our tiring weekend, we relaxed with some coffee at Rocket Bakery!

 Me and Hannah, preparing supper.  And enjoying wine.

 Hanging out in Coeur d'Alene.

 The beautiful view of the valley from Steven's Creek Trail.

 Hannah, enjoying the view.

I love the Northwest!

New Body Resolutions

I've come up with a new resolution for myself: no more body analyzing.

I have realized the past several months that this has become a subconscious habit of mine.  I find myself constantly analyzing how my body looks nearly every time I look in the mirror.  Whether it's washing my hands, doing my hair or make-up, getting out of the shower, or even just walking by a mirror in public-- I'm always analyzing what my body looks like.

Why?  I don't know.  I don't actually hate my body anymore (I have days... yes, still have those days).  But when I have finally gotten my health on track and worked hard fueling my body the correct way... I have this fear that I'll "mess up" and end up right back where I was two years ago.  My warped way of thinking has me feeling as though this can happen overnight.

IT CAN'T.

I think coming off of a week of eating out, eating more desserts, I'm also finding myself in this mindset more.  Like this feeling of, "I totally screwed up!!!  I'm ruined!!"  And the thing is, I didn't spend the week overeating all of those foods.  It's laughable, I know.  But I think it's probably a pretty common feeling for most women.  It's just hard for me to admit.  

So this is something new I am going to be working on.

Whole10

I'm currently finishing up day 2 of my Whole10.

Going into it just a tad bit discouraged as I was not as good with my diet as I had planned while my sisters were here.  I'm not upset about it or anything, but I definitely haven't been feeling too great the past several days.  However after yesterday and today, I'm feeling fairly decent and hoping that continues.

Not to mention, shin splints have flared up with a vengeance.  I feel incredibly frustrated and out of control when that happens.  Because I am in great shape and my endurance level is high, but I have to give my body the chance to heal.  I know that it is primarily because of my diet and lack of hydration that caused the return (there had been no sudden increase in my mileage and they were completely gone prior to their sudden return).  But I also know I have to allow my body to rest and heal or else they'll keep coming back.  Once they've started, it is usually a snowball effect.  Mine manifest in horrendous muscle cramps down the front of my outer shins.  Not something you can just run through.  :(  Wondering if I might have compartment syndrome, but not really sure?

Anyway, I'm not here to be super discouraging in my attitude.

I spent the day cooking up different meals for the week.  This week's dinner menu includes spaghetti squash pad thai, west African stew, stuffed acorn sqaush, spinach artichoke turkey burgers, plus lots and lots of vegetables!  I still have a few more main dishes to make for the week, but am off until Wednesday so I will probably just go out and get things to make for dinner tomorrow and Tuesday and save the refrigerated food for work.

Anyway.  Like I said, feeling a bit discouraged about things but am hoping for them to look up soon.  The last time I went through a bout of shin splints I spiraled into a very bad place with my eating and body image and weight gain.  I am in a much better place than I was then, but I still have to be careful that I do not end up there again.

Here's to a GREAT Whole10!

Whole30: Day 30!!!!

As my Whole30 ends, I decided to compile a list of all the non-scale victories of the past thirty days.  Because it's so easy to make focus on weight and body fat and all that.  And that just wasn't what I wanted my focus to be going into this.

1. Cooking-- I have learned how to cook!  Yeah, yeah I've cooked before.  But never this kind of food. I never knew I was actually a good cook.  And I learned recipes and skills and tips that I know I'll keep using fora long time to come.  And I have a huge desire now to learn how to cook all sorts of foods.

2. Energy-- Whole30 has taught me how to choose foods that keep me energized instead of dragging.  No sugar cravings (not that I've never wanted something while on this) and therefore no crashes.  I don't find myself dragging halfway through my shift at work like I did in the past.  No bloating either.  Somehow that makes a person feel slow and tired too.

3. Running-- I've seen major improvements in my running in the past thirty days.  I was barely pushing 10:00-10:20 pace miles for the past couple of months.  And shin splints were starting to act up again.  But my times have improved to 9:40-10:00 and shin splints are almost nonexistent!  Not to mention, I've been able to run 5 and 6 miles!  It's been a long time since I've been able to run anything of that distance!

4. Taste-- I feel like I am able to finally taste food the way it's supposed to taste.  When you cut out the processed, refined stuff, you sort of forget what all of that fake food tastes like.  And suddenly real food (that might normally not have tasted all that great before) tastes really good!  And the food I've eaten has been full-fat-- olive oil, coconut oil, beef, pork, chicken, fish, nuts, coconut milk (along with lots of veggies of course).  It goes to show that low-fat diets just don't work.  Of course, I'm not advocating for eating as much as you possibly want of those foods.  All within what is a healthy serving size for a person's body type and activity level.

5. Relationship to food-- my relationship with food has improved vastly.  I have learned how to eat when I'm actually hungry rather than eating because I'm bored, craving something, or because it's time to eat.  And I've also learned what true satisfaction feels like after a meal.  When you're not going through day-to-day life constantly under-nourished, it's amazing how good eating actually feels.  And it feels good to not feel guilty about eating.

So as of midnight tonight (I say that since I'll be at work) Whole30 will officially be over.  As for what comes next for me...

My sisters will be coming into town this week.  And because of that, I don't think I'll be able to keep up with this kind of eating since we will be doing a bit of traveling around and eating out.  My plan after they leave is to actually do a Whole10 to make sure I dial my diet back in and can continue with it a bit more diligently.  But I don't plan on being 100% paleo.  Like I said before, I never want to be really limited in my diet everywhere I go.  I think about that weekend in Seattle and how frustrating that was. I don't want that to be my life.

I consider this past thirty days as all a part of my journey towards a healthier me.  So I know there will still be ups and downs.  Frustrations and discouragement.  And I don't want my entire focus every day to be on what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, what I weigh, etc.  I will do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be-- in mind, body, and spirit.