Whole30

I am always striving to be as healthy as I can be.  Sometimes I fail at it, and I try not to beat myself up about it.  I think that we should go easy on ourselves, be forgiving of ourselves, and simply learn from those experiences.  As I said yesterday, this past year was a huge learning experience for me.  A very hard one at that.

I am here to say that starting next week, I will be doing Whole30.  I want to iterate that I am not doing Whole30 as a means to diet.  Not at all.  I honestly want to clean up my eating, find out how certain foods affect me negatively, and still eat my favorite foods, except within moderation.  Yes, for 30 days I will be very limited in what I can eat, but those 30 days are about learning how your body feels off of those foods (grains, legumes, sugar, alcohol, dairy).  And then learning how your body reacts as you re-introduce them.  From there I will decide how much and how often I will want those foods in my diet.

Like I said, it's not about a diet.  I am very much eager to be the very best version of myself that I can be.  I want to be stronger.  I want to feel healthy and alive every day.  I want to be the best I can be mentally, emotionally, physically, and the food we eat has such a strong effect on that.  I also have had psoriasis since I was 9 years old, and am quite curious as to how certain foods I eat may or may not worsen the condition.  Yeah, I realize that I will probably become leaner throughout the process, and that's definitely a positive.  But that's not my main focus.  I will not be restricting calories or portion sizes.  I plan on eating when  I am hungry and eating until I'm not hungry anymore.

And through this process, I will be compassionate toward myself.  There will be trial and error, I am sure.  Yes, the 30 days is pretty restrictive in that you can't cheat because you have to get yourself off of those particular foods.  So I am pretty dead set on following the plan.

I just wanted to write it down that this is what I am doing, so I can be held accountable to actually starting it.  I will be doing it with one of my good friends at work, so the accountability with her will be good as well.  We've already talked about taking turns bringing in lunch for work so that we each don't have to pack a lunch every day.  I'm very excited, even if I'm dreading this a bit as well.  I frequent my favorite bakeries at least once or twice a week if not more... and I certainly do love my sweets.  And eventually I may reincorporate those things but much less frequently.

Anyway, meal planning is in the works right now... wish me luck!

It's so hard to believe that in just a few days, I will have been in Spokane for a year.  So much good has come out of living here.  I have experienced personal growth and maturity, made so many new friends.  I have become a lover of the outdoors... once upon a time, I didn't really like being outside.  But I think I just lived in the wrong place all these years!

One of my very favorite things about the Northwest is the focus on activity and outdoors.  It's fairly easy to find yourself being active without trying too hard.  Part of that is because there isn't as much to do out here like there is back home.  But I have loved becoming a much more active, healthier person as a result!  I love it!

In this past year, I have also battled a struggle with an eating disorder.  I think I've mentioned it before, but I found myself, starting last spring, binging.  And doing it quite often.  As I became less active due to some injuries, the episodes began to increase.  It was really hard.  I felt out of control, I gained back a lot of what I had worked so hard to lose, and I just felt ugly and disgusting.  It's sad because one of the only things I think about when I remember my trip to Hawaii in September, is how incredibly fat and ugly I felt.  And I'm ashamed to admit that, because I work so hard to keep thoughts like that out of my mind.  Food became a vice for me, though it wasn't something I really enjoyed anymore.  Often times when I ate, it didn't really feel like a choice... it felt like the food was controlling me.

I have now gone about three months without a binge.  I don't consider myself having kicked whatever this is (I don't know if you can really call it a full-fledged eating disorder in my case... but maybe it is).  But I have found myself in a much better place with regards to food.  Yeah, sometimes I still eat too much on occasion.  But believe me when I say, there is a huge difference between a binge and overeating.

It feels good to put it out there that this is a struggle for me.  I felt like I had to hide it for a long time, even though I am very close to so many who have had the same struggles.  It made me feel like such a failure to have fallen prey to this, when I've tried so hard not to.

Life has had an odd, very off rhythm lately.  Ever feel like you're just stuck in this vicious cycle?  It's kinda where I'm at.

I've been caught the past several weeks in a lot of long stretches of work, with long (seemingly endless) stretches of days off in between.  A cycle of extreme, chaotic stress followed by exhausted, lethargic, endless days.  Not that I'm complaining to have many days off, but unless I have someone visiting or am going somewhere, it just isn't worth it to have all that time off.  It's like I'm going, going, going... then crash and burn for several days.

It's been rough.  Coupled with the short daylight hours (and probably the recent holiday season away from family), it's triggered a lot of anxiety, feelings of uselessness, depression, low appetite, and extreme insomnia.  Life itself isn't bad, but I myself have not been doing too well.  I'm not trying to present this as a way to complain or make people feel sorry for me, nor am I crying out for help.  I still have a good head on my shoulders and am definitely learning how to deal with this in various ways.  It isn't completely debilitating.  But it certainly is exhausting and a very real struggle.  Perhaps more on it another time.

However there have been many positives as well.  I have made some pretty great friends along the way, and begun attending a church out here that I think I am going to love.  My shy and somewhat awkward personality upon first meeting, coupled with my anxiety makes meeting new people tough.  But I'm putting myself out there, meeting people, and doing my best to keep busy.  I am planning some days coming up to learn how to ski here soon, (totally ready to embrace this winter weather!) and still doing my best to get out and run despite the weather.  A back injury has kept me laying low this week, but I am hopeful to be up and running soon.

So, there are some adjustments to be made... some days are good, and some days are bad.  But I'm finding that I'm loving Spokane and feel very content here right now.  Ready and excited for more adventures, and to see what's next!